Ahh, new motherhood. You go from dreaming of the day your baby will arrive to holding that tiny, wriggling bundle in your arms and thinking, “What the heck do I do now?” Hang tight! We’re here to help. We asked experienced moms to tell us one thing they wish they’d known when they first became parents, and they really delivered—from wisdom on sleep to life-changing self-care tips, and getting perspective on those intense early days. But the one thing they all agreed on is the most important of all: that you’re doing an amazing job.

Adjusting to Mom Life

“In the beginning, I wish I knew how to roll with it, not get frustrated, and that I would need lots of patience…. I was used to being in control and having some order to my life. My kids came into the picture and all of that was thrown out the window! Now they’ve broken me in and I roll with everything, but I remember that part being really hard for me.” — Kathy

“If I had a dime for every time I did something that I said I would never do when I was a know-it-all childless woman, I’d be rich.” — Jessie

“Do NOT let all the do’s & don’ts of parenting discourage you. As long as you keep your baby safe, healthy, and nurtured… you are doing a beautiful job. DON’T compare yourself to other moms! It’s not healthy!” — Ruthie

“I wish I had spent my time reading about postpartum rather than pregnancy books. During pregnancy, you have a doctor guiding you. But postpartum, you pretty much are on your own, and getting a counselor does not mean you are a bad parent.” — Reyna

“The most profound thing I heard and will never forget… Your baby was attached to you for 9 months. For the first 6 months of their life, they don’t actually realize they are still not a part of you! Love on that baby like they are still attached to you.” — Tara

“You will be a crazy emotional wreck (and a total a-hole at times) for the first ~6 months, but that’s okay because you just created another human being in your body.” — Sanaz

Getting Through Those Tough Moments

“I wish I had known that sometimes babies cry for no reason. They are not broken, and you didn’t do anything wrong. It will eventually get better; just breathe and try to comfort your new human!” — Melissa

“Take each stage as a stage. If things are really hard, just breathe. Your baby will hit a new milestone in a few weeks and things will change. The first year is like a book with all these mini-chapters, and you’ll be on to the next one before you realize it.” — Erin

“He isn’t GIVING you a hard time; he’s HAVING a hard time. (The wisest words I ever received from my mother-in-law.) It has helped me every single day of motherhood to keep their needs and moods in perspective.” — Elizabeth

“There are no mistakes, you learn as you go, and trust that you and your baby will figure it out and grow together. I thought I was so prepared with the books, asking mommy friends and relatives, and at the end of it, I just threw that all out and took those deep breaths and went with it.” — Sheilah

Related: 21 Everyday Victories New Parents Should Celebrate

Breastfeeding: So Much Harder Than It Seems

“It’s okay to breastfeed and be comfortable enough to do so in public. Took until my third child to be able to do so and have no shame or embarrassment.” — Brittany

“Breastfeeding hurts in the beginning, and that’s normal. Imagine washing your calloused hands 30 minutes straight every 2 hours—they’d crack and bleed too! Your nipples are nowhere near as calloused as your hands, so be patient with yourself and baby because it’s a learning process.” — Jeni

“Don’t be discouraged or beat yourself up if your milk supply doesn’t come in like you want or expected. Or if your baby simply isn’t interested. Just keep trying and don’t give up… if that’s what you choose. And if it’s just not working for you and/or baby, then allow yourself to bottle-feed without the guilt!” — Jamie

Related: Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Your Baby

Sleep: That Thing You Used to Do Whenever You Wanted

“Not all babies are wired to sleep through the night. I don’t sleep through the night, and neither does my kid. Professionals actually consider sleeping through the night to be 5 hours, not 8 or 12.” — Erin

“You will hear, ‘Sleep when the baby does,’ but for some of us, that is impossible. Ask for help and have a trusted hero [to] give you a few hours of sleep!” — Lauren

“You never know what you’re going to get. Try and rest as much as possible but don’t stress if you can’t. There is always the chance you get a sleep-through-the-night-early baby.” — Sarah

Related: Baby Sleep Guide: Expert Advice & What to Expect the First Year

Getting Used to That Postpartum Body

“Your body will change. Some of those changes are permanent, some are fleeting, some of them hurt, some will take you months to notice. Embracing the changes—good and bad—is the best way to get through them. (I named my hemorrhoids…it felt better than crying every day… just saying.) And at the end of it all, you will be stronger than you ever knew possible. — Paige

“The hair loss! Not once during or after my pregnancy did anyone talk about the possible postpartum hair loss. I thought I was losing all of my hair.” — Madison

“I wish I had known that I would pee a little every time I sneezed for the rest of my life.” — Katie

Related: The Weirdest Permanent Body Changes after Pregnancy

The Importance of Self-Care

“It is okay to let baby cry for a couple minutes. It’s okay to shower and leave them in the crib even if they are crying (if they are crying, they are ALIVE!). And it’s okay to go out and leave baby home with dad. (All learned the hard way.)” — Bella

“Postpartum anxiety is real! Get help and don’t be ashamed. Sometimes, you can’t help how you think and feel. You’re not alone.” — Marisol

“Don’t underestimate the power of support. If you don’t have that built-in (family, friends), hire someone whose main focus is to support you.” — Jacquie

“Remember: Under 2 years, playdates aren’t for them, they’re for you.” — Liz

“YOUR health is still most important. Take care of your needs too.” — Morgan

“Have a good friend who you can call and cry about your actual life, but who you can call too and talk about how amazing your baby’s development is, and how proud you are.” — Tania

“Learn to program your coffeemaker. Such a great self-care thing to do at the end of the day to have something nice in the morning!” — Rachel

Related: A Tribute to All the Moms Who Do Less

a group of first time moms pushing strollers in the park in a city with coats on
iStock

Leave The House During Those Early Days (Yes, Really!)

“Go out to dinners with your significant other/spouse and baby while they’re not mobile and sleep a lot. It feels daunting to go out in public with a newborn, but that’s when they’re the easiest! And you and your partner can keep the connection going!” — Haruko

“They’re easier when they don’t move. Like, a ton easier. You won’t realize how easy they were until they’re 2 and 3 and you’re pregnant again realizing you feel going to Disneyland seems so doable with a baby that doesn’t move. Life with a newborn seems so simple in retrospect.” — Jeni

What to Buy & What Not to Buy

“Get a simple high chair with no little nooks and crannies — like the IKEA high chair. It is so hard to clean the fancy five-position chairs.” — Sasha

“Don’t buy pajamas with buttons. They are a nightmare! Zippers will make life easier, especially for those diaper changes in the middle of the night.” — Carolyn

“Put Tucks or witch hazel pads in the fridge or freezer. All of your angry parts will thank you.” — Lesley

How Fast It Goes…

“Now that mine is 25 and my grandbaby is 4, the one thing I miss most is the sweet innocence when they are so small. That you are their entire world. Enjoy the cuddles, the softness of their voices, even their tears. It goes so quickly, and before you know it, they’re independent and more interested in everything BUT you.” — Lisa

“I wish I knew that it would be over in the blink of an eye. The first three years are so intense and hard on your marriage and on you mentally…. It feels boring and like you chose the wrong thing, but you aren’t supposed to admit that. So you smile and talk about how it is the best thing that ever happened to you. And it is. But some days you want to choose something else. And then it’s over. Then they eat their food and sleep through the night. They go to the potty and to school. Then those precious baby snuggles turn into a mommy who needs one more snuggle but the baby is too busy. The kids want to go on playdates and sleepovers. They want to spend Saturdays having sleepovers with friends and you are left shuttling them around and missing the days when you could coo at your sweet little baby. Don’t fast-forward. Don’t skip the moments. Don’t tune out and wonder where you’re meant to be or if there is something bigger out there for you. There’s not. This is it and it’s really, really short.” — Trish

Hilarious Halloween parenting memes and all that candy are only two things we love about October

Your kids have chosen their Halloween costumes (and then changed their minds 1,000 times), the candy has been bought and then restocked and then restocked again, and you’ve lined up all the best Halloween movies on Netflix. Now that you’re ready for the big night, it’s time to grab a mini-Snickers, relax, and laugh at these hilarious Halloween memes about parenting we’re sure you can relate to.

No judgment from us.

Must. Practice. Restraint.

One must always cover one’s tracks

Who’s in charge here??

When it comes to holiday decorations, reason goes out the window

I haven’t had my coffee. Don’t mess with me

 

It’s all about what’s available right now

Related: 41 Hilarious Parenting Memes to Get You Through the Day

This is an emergency!

Funny Halloween meme

And they wonder why we don't want to buy a costume in July

Funny Halloween meme
courtesy Sarcastic Mommy

Hey, no taxation without representation!

funny halloween meme
Someecards

And that's why we unfriended them

Someecards

It's just...not...fair!

funny halloween memes

We always tell our kids, "Practice makes perfect" 

funny halloween memes

No, you cannot substitute Bit-O-Honey

funny halloween memes

Wait, does anyone really have a perfect jack-o'-lantern pic?

Funny Halloween meme
Freshly Picked

If this is you, I don't think we can hang out anymore...

Finally, we're on trend!

Someecards

Related: Hilarious Potty Training Memes to Keep You Going when the Going Gets Rough

Guess you didn't get the last text, Fred...

Any red or white will work. Or beer. Just sayin'

Someecards

At least we're being honest with ourselves

Kids! They say the darnedest things!

Someecards

The good news is, Christmas candy!

How we all got here, pretty much

Someecards

And this is how you win parenting, folks

Because reward charts work so well

Someecards

Don't even get us started on Christmas

Just modeling good behavior for our kids

Well, that's just despicable!

It's called "Sugar-Induced Memory Loss," it's a thing!

 

 

 

Simple things like “let’s count to 20 together” really work

While occasional anxiety and nervousness are perfectly normal feelings for many kids—especially in reaction to new or unfamiliar situations—some may experience persistent or extreme forms of fear or sadness. One in four children will experience anxiety disorders in their lifetime, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Additionally, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has reported that anxiety and depression among kids ages three to 17 have increased over time. How can parents help? We can get them to express their worries by using phrases that’ll help calm an anxious child in various situations.

What to Say When They Have School Anxiety

school can be scary for an anxious child.
Jerry Wang via Unsplash

School-related anxiety is so common in children that it often masquerades as other ailments. Whether your child suddenly complains of a headache or an upset stomach just before going to school or starts to act out at the mention of homework, there’s a good chance they're likely experiencing school anxiety. Here’s what you can say to help:

“Remind me what your favorite subjects or activities at school are.”
By redirecting your child’s attention to things that they care about at school—like favorite subjects and school activities—they can focus on the positives instead of worrying about the bad stuff.

“Let’s take a few deep breaths together.”
Modeling calming behaviors will show your child that there are better ways to regulate their emotions than acting out.

“What are you most looking forward to learning at school?”
Similar to asking about the things they enjoy at school, encouraging your child to anticipate all of the good things in their upcoming day can help to build new habits and associate new feelings about school.

“Have you gone through your checklist for the day?”
It’s useful to develop a checklist to help your child gain a greater sense of control over her daily schedule and activities.

“How can I help you feel better?”
By offering your support, your child will know that you recognize their school anxiety is real and that you are there to help.

What to Say When They Have Crowd Anxiety

Toa Heftiba via Unsplash

Fear of the unknown can trigger anxiety in people of all ages, but for children especially, the experience of being in large unfamiliar crowds can be overwhelming. Whether it’s at an airport or a sports stadium, being little among a group of strangers can induce anxiety. Here are a few things to tell your crowd-nervous kid:

“I’m right here with you. You are safe.”
Reassuring your anxious child that they are safe with you will go a long way to allay their fears, whether they are real or imagined. 

“Let’s count to 20 together.”
Offer up different coping skills to your child, such as taking a moment to calm down.

“Many things are going on, but focus only on what’s in front of you.”
An overwhelmed child may experience sensory overload, so encouraging them to focus on something small may help to block out external distractions.

“I know this can feel scary.”
Validating your nervous child’s concerns will let them know you care and are listening to them.

“Everything is OK, this moment will pass.”
Remind your child that their feelings are real, but the scary moment is temporary and eventually will pass.

What to Say When They Have New Experiences Anxiety

This anxious child is expressing himself.
Luz Fuertes via Unsplash

Trying something new for the first time often requires a leap of faith, which either can be thrillingly fun or can stir butterflies in the pit of your stomach. An anxious child may be prone to over-thinking how a new experience will play out. Here are some statements to help your kid get through something new:

“Tell me what you think will happen next.”
Anxiety about new experiences is often correlated with feeling a loss of control. Encouraging your anxious child to think about what will happen next may help them imagine a situation in which they have greater control.

“Tell me what you’re looking forward to seeing.”
Emphasizing the positive possibilities of a new experience can help your child discover something fun to look forward to.

“The scary part will pass.”
Remind your frightened child that the scary parts of new experiences are temporary and will eventually pass. 

“What can we explore together?”
Tell your child that you are in this together.

“You are brave—you got this.”
Offer words of encouragement to help your anxious child recognize the strength they already possess.

What to Say When They Have Performance Anxiety

Talking to an anxious child about sports.
NeONBRAND via Unsplash

Whether it’s stage fright or the onset of nerves during sporting activities, kids can sometimes feel overwhelmed when they need to perform. Parents can help guide their children through this kind of anxiety with a few simple words of encouragement:

“It’s OK to be nervous.”
Remind your child that nerves are natural stress responses, and it’s OK to rechannel feelings of nervousness into something that they can control.

“Tell yourself, ‘I can do this!’ ”
Foster your child’s belief that they can do whatever they set their mind to doing.

Make a battle cry for yourself: “I am invincible!”
Creating a battle cry can help to shore up your child’s confidence and encourage them to tap into their inner strengths.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Encouraging your nervous child to imagine worst-case scenarios may seem counter-intuitive, but allowing them to think through all of the various situations that could occur may help them gain a better understanding of how they would respond in each case.

“Just do your best. I’m already proud of you.”
Assure your anxious child that you support their efforts, regardless of the outcome.

Family Anxiety

A large family reunion, which can be scary for an anxious child.
Tyler Nix via Unsplash

Visiting relatives can be difficult for some kids, especially if it’s been a while since their last visit. Children like structure and routine, and when day-to-day routines are broken by visiting relatives, kids who are prone to anxiety may panic. Here’s what to say to them:

“Tell me about how you’re feeling.”
Listen to what your nervous child has to say. Acknowledge their feelings and work with them to learn coping skills that will help them feel better.

“I get anxious sometimes, too.”
Demonstrate that you are empathetic to your child’s feelings by talking about the things that make you anxious.

“What do you need from me?”
Your child may need something as simple as a few words of support or a hug, but asking them what they need at the moment can help assure them that you are responsive to their needs.

“Let’s take a moment for ourselves.”
Don’t be afraid to give your child and yourself a time out from whatever hecticness is occurring with family visits.

“I can’t wait until …”
Talk to your anxious child about what you’re looking forward to, whether it’s spending time with grandma and grandpa or going on a family vacation.

People born in June fall under both the Gemini or Cancer zodiac sign

If your kiddo was born in the sixth month of the year, you already know that people born in June are outgoing, charming, and creative. And even though they can be more than a handful sometimes, June babies tend to grow up to be healthy, cheerfully optimistic people. Discover more characteristics and fun facts about June babies, including exactly which precious gem is June’s birthstone.

people born in June
Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

1. June people are healthier and more optimistic.
According to a study published in Heliyon, summer-born babies are more likely to grow up to be healthy adults. Researchers theorize that greater exposure to sunlight and higher vitamin D exposure leads to better overall well-being.

2. Summer people are expressive and quick-witted, but can also have a dark side.
Characteristics shared by many Geminis are sociability, excellent communication skills, and an always-ready-for-fun attitude. But like all Geminis who can possess two different personalities in one, June-born people can turn from fun-loving to super-serious and thoughtful without notice.

3. Most people born in June are Geminis, the social butterfly sign in the zodiac.
These quick-witted passionate people are comfortable talking to anyone about anything.

4. Imagination rules for June-born Geminis.
Thanks to their co-ruling planets, Venus and Uranus,  June-born Geminis rarely are at a loss for ideas. Their imaginations rule them and can always be counted on to devise clever solutions to even the most complex problems.

Mieke Campbell on Unsplash

4. Summer-born babies are happy ...
Science has found that the season of one’s birth can have a lifelong impact on moods, and babies born in the summer months—from June through August—are shown to be the least susceptible to sadness brought on by seasonal affective disorders.

5. June's birthstone is a pearl, which represents innocence and purity.

6. June babies are giving and forgiving.
Most people born in June fall under the sign of Gemini, which means they frequently see both sides of an argument. As a result, June-born people are forgiving and generous. Their Gemini-ness, however, means that they also can be indecisive.

8. There are plenty of celebrities with June birthdays.
People born in the sixth month of the year share their birth month with celebrities like Natalie Portman, Morgan Freeman, Meryl Streep, Kendrick Lamar, Anderson Cooper, Liam Neeson, Michael Cera, and more.

Related: Why Kids Born in May Often Have Wanderlust (& Other Interesting Facts)

 

When the unthinkable happens and you lose a pregnancy and your unborn child, the grief is indescribable. Somehow the experience allows a simultaneous heaviness and emptiness to coexist within your being. While pregnancy loss is heartbreaking, there are added layers of complexity that make the loss so much more devastating and thereby harder to share.

So often, women tie their identity and self-worth with their ability to conceive and carry a child to term especially when infertility plays a role in the journey. Women who experience pregnancy loss grapple with failure as an inherent part of the process. When I lost my twins during the second trimester, I felt as if my body failed me and I failed my babies and my husband. A woman who is dealing with a pregnancy loss is not only grieving the loss of the child she never had the pleasure of knowing and the loss of her expectations and dreams but also dealing with their tortured sense of self-worth.

For many months after my loss, I lacked any desire to return back to the real world and preferred the comfort of my bed in my darkened room, which matched the dark emptiness I felt inside. It can feel impossible to fathom the idea of one day climbing out of this black hole of sadness. Take comfort in knowing that this “someday” will eventually make its way to you when you are ready. Below are some nuggets of wisdom from my own experience with loss and how I have coached my fertility mindfulness clients dealing with their own struggles through pregnancy loss.

1. Give Yourself Permission. Allow yourself space and time to heal. There is no set timeframe in which you need to move on. Do what you need to do for yourself during your time of grief and detach from the pressure to “get better” based on other people’s timelines and expectations. You do not owe anyone an explanation for your grief and recovery process.

2. Seek Support. There are days when we are okay with the isolation and then there are days when we need a helping hand to save us from the sadness.  During those moments, reach out to your support group in whatever form that may be for you—your partner, therapy, online groups/communities, friends, and family. Support groups, whether in person or online, are a great way to remind you that you are not alone and someone out there understands what you are going through. If you are going through secondary infertility, a hug from your child can be powerful enough to break down the walls you have built around yourself and envelop you in love.

3. Honor & Acknowledge Your Pregnancy and Baby. You don’t have to get through it quicker just because you were “only pregnant for X number of weeks” or because you “already have X number of children.” If it helps you through your process of grief, find a way to honor your pregnancy and baby. Perhaps share your story to raise awareness and help end the stigma of pregnancy and infant loss.

4. Manage Triggers & Set Boundaries. It’s okay to say no to anyone and anything that could trigger you. Your mental and emotional well-being is fragile so give yourself permission to set boundaries on things like social media, gatherings, certain friends, and family. If you need help doing this, enlist your partner in this important task. If you are going through secondary infertility and lose your pregnancy, people can sometimes say insensitive comments about the fact that you already have a child. Remember that just because you have a child, your loss is no less significant and should not be diminished. In these instances, set boundaries for what people can say to you and ask your partner to help ensure this need is met. No one has the right to justify how you should feel or what you should do.

5. Get Distracted. Consider going away whether it’s for a quick drive or a long weekend. Other people find it helpful to take up a hobby that requires focus and allows for personal growth. Take little steps in your grief process as you start to do other things. These distractions can help stop the cycle of negativity and despair in which you are trapped. Returning back to your role whether in work or in family life can give you a purpose outside of your fertility and feeling defined only by your quest to have a child.

6. Take Back Control. If you need some form of control to help ease the overwhelming nature of your situation, one way to take back some semblance of control is to come up with a plan. Work with your medical team to evaluate what happened, and to discuss options and next steps. Knowing that you have a defined road map can help to ease a bit of the stress and anxiety that is a part of your loss. Another way to feel like you are in control of your situation is to use breathing techniques to help you move your state of mind and body from a state of stress to a state of calm. For example, do a 16-second breath count —4 seconds each—inhale, hold, exhale, hold. Repeat as necessary.

If you are in the process of grief right now, please remember that this loss is not your fault. You are worthy and capable and so very brave. As you grieve your loss in silence, take all the time you need to heal your mental and emotional well-being. All of your feelings are valid and worthy of being fully expressed. One day, when the time is right for you, hope will make its way back to you. Until then, know that you are not alone.  I see you and I am so sorry for your loss.

My passion is helping others overcome adversity to find joy via meditation training and my podcast “Responding to Life.” I draw upon my unique fertility journey of pregnancy loss, IVF, international adoption and surrogacy, ultimately becoming a mother of five, to show others the power of perseverance, calm and courage.

You might call it the “D” word—divorce. Many children are blessed to be overwhelmingly loved by two caring adults who are able to cohesively co-parent. Then there are some children, like my own, who are not only left in turmoil but are also left with an absentee parent.

The father of my first two children could be summed up as a slow-motion train wreck. There is too much to go into great detail about, but his biggest flaw is choosing to be the equivalent of a distant cousin as opposed to a father: going weeks and even months without contact, missing birthday phone calls and falling about two years behind on child support payments.

Seeing the heartache on my children’s faces prompted me to become the Queen Mother of Overcompensation. I now had to step into their father’s shoes. I had to make up for all that he was screwing up.

At first, it was harmless: trying to make sure I fulfilled every wish on the birthday and Christmas list. I mean, how couldn’t I? How could I make his lack of financial or emotional help be the fault of a child?

Next came the emotional compensation, choosing to ignore problematic behaviors simply because of the pain the kids were feeling due to the loss of a family unit. I can remember the day my then-third grader leveled a classroom following an angry encounter with his teacher. I remember being terribly embarrassed and expressing that to every faculty member in view, but moments later, taking him for ice cream to talk it out.

I was afraid of being the “bad parent.” That if my children saw me put my foot down, they would hate me. I feared they would want and long for the one who wouldn’t even take the time to pick up the phone to return a call. I had to be all they needed wrapped in one. Believe it or not, I needed their love during this difficult time as much as they needed mine. I was afraid to parent my own children.

As I continued this path of destruction, I slowly began to realize that my pattern of enabling them was like putting scotch tape on a leaky pipe; sooner or later, that tape slides off, and the real problem bursts through. The gifts and the ice cream didn’t stop the anger and only calmed the raging storms. The phone calls from school didn’t stop. The ADD/ADHD diagnosis came next, which led to bigger, more underlying issues being discovered. My children were in pain, and no toy could fix that. More needed to be done!

I had to recognize my own toxic behavior in being my children’s enabler. The naysayers were right—they needed love, yes—but they also need guidance and a strong mother who stood firm in her decisions and who wouldn’t waffle at their whimpering. They needed a mother who was confident enough to know that she could never fully fill the void of their absent father.

I also had to acknowledge that I, too, was in pain. Divorce is never easy for children, but for the parties who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, it was devastating. I cried myself to sleep some nights, afraid to face the world as something I never wanted to be. I was now a single mother and, most of all, alone. Loneliness eats away at you, and I longed to fill the void.

As these thoughts came rushing over me, I realized what I was doing to myself. Trying to overcompensate for someone who couldn’t care less was like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke—it made no sense. I was an emotional wreck and I was passing that disease to my own children. I had to make a choice. I had to decide if I wanted to continue to fill the emotional loss with worthless items or if I wanted to help my children heal.

I wanted them to heal, so I had to hold myself and them accountable for our poor choices.

Part of that process meant allowing my children to talk it out with someone other than myself. The school counselors were amazing in this transition; my boys opened up and let them into their safe zone. They were given strategies to deal with anger and to calm themselves. They began talking more about missing their father and how it made them feel that he rarely fulfilled his role. While these were steps in the right direction, the healing process takes time. We continue to take it step by step and remember that we are in it together.

I know that we are not all lucky enough to have the perfect co-parenting scenario, though that’s what we all want for our children. In the event that we don’t get that happy ending, understanding that we are in charge of guarding our children’s emotional healing—and proceeding carefully and responsibly—is key.

Originally published January 2019.

RELATED LINKS
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey! 

Kids are dirty little beings. It’s a fact. I’m pretty sure that my 5-year-old is some sort of magical dirt magnet—as soon as he is dressed in the morning, his shirt is instantly covered with some mysterious stain or goo. I worry that his teachers think that we do not wash his clothes since he often arrives at school with a uniform shirt smudged in slime. Apart from changing his clothes in the minivan upon arrival at school, I’m at a loss for how to avoid this situation.

So—I’ve decided to embrace it. My kids are dirty. Even my 8-year-old girl is dirty. With summer coming, the dirt factor is only going to increase.

Secretly, I love it.

It means that they are getting down, getting dirty and really PLAYING. Like kids should do! Like we used to do before WiFi and OnDemand.

We were recently at a family festival where there was a bin of dirt with worms in it for kids to dig in and explore. My three little dirt-mongers LOVED it. They could not get enough of it. They soon passed up the mini rakes and shovels to dig with their bare hand to find all the slimy friends buried below.

I was saddened to see so many parents trying to steer their kids away from the bin of worms. “Ewwww!” and “gross!” were often uttered. By the adults. Did they not know the magic that the worm contains? The joy that crosses a child’s face when their worm slithers and squirms across their hand? That’s really when kids learn. They learn how the worm moves by squeezing and contracting its muscles. These are things we can’t truly see by reading a book or watching a video on YouTube. You have to feel it with your hands.

I wanted to tell the parents to embrace the worms. To allow their little ones to get a little dirty and just see what happens. The opportunity to be eyeball level with an amazing creature like a worm is very limited. Our kids are learning from us so how about we put aside our notions of what is dirty and “gross” and just let our kids explore for themselves.

This is especially true for our girls. They are held to a higher, cleaner standard. But why? Why must they sit with their ankles crossed while the boys get to have all the fun exploring? Playing in the outdoors is great for both body and mind—it develops creativity and physical skills like balance and coordination, and gives us a glimpse of the world beyond just us. It shows us how small we are on this big planet. Aren’t these good lessons for our girls to learn too?

Take this summer to embrace the dirt, or better yet, revel in it! See what fun can come when you let the kids get a little dirty. Go on a hike. Spend the night camping in your backyard. Splash in a stream. See what bugs are buried under your garden stones.

You may be surprised by what fun you have!

Kate is a a Bay Area native with three kids. She loves the outdoors, Bloody Marys and reality TV. Her life goal is to see more of the world! 

You want to tell your daughter what she needs to hear. Here are our favorite inspiring words to use

When it comes to helping your daughter become a strong woman, it’s important to offer compliments and inspiring words in a way that boosts self-esteem and confidence. Words are powerful, and when they come from a grown-up they can make a huge difference. From appreciating her creative side to how far and fast her strong legs will carry her, here are 20 ways to praise your daughter today (and every day). And here are 10 times your daughter shouldn’t have to say “I’m sorry.

a picture of a girl who just heard inspiring words, like quotes for a daughter, from her parent
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1. Thanks for giving me a hug, I needed that. As kids grow older, they're less likely to want to snuggle up with mom or dad. When they do show affection, let them know it's as important to you as it's always been. 

2. I trust you. It's important kids know you trust them—it's the foundation for good communication once they hit the tween years

3. You are a good friend. Teaching kids about the power of healthy relationships is the key to raising strong adults.  

4. I love how hard you worked on this project, and how you stuck with it even when you got frustrated. Focus on how they overcame the challenge and what they accomplished.

5. You make the world a better place just by being in it. And if anyone thinks otherwise, it's their loss!

a happy girl who heard inspiring words
iStock

6. Don't let mean kids tell you what to think of yourself. Your self-esteem belongs to only you.

7. I'm so happy you're in my life. After all, wouldn't you want to hear that from someone you love?

8. Isn't it great that your strong legs can help you run super fast? Praising the things a little girl can do with her body instead of noticing how it looks will help her appreciate, and strive for, a healthy lifestyle.

9. I love the color combo you've got going on today, it's very creative! Nice things to say to your daughter don't have to focus on just looks. Compliment your daughter on her outfit when you focus on her creativity, rather than how pretty she looks.

10. You are a kind person. Compliments for girls that focus on kindness, courage, and honesty will go far in building self-esteem.

Related: 5 Things Never Ever to Say to Your Daughter

Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
Eye for Ebony via Unsplash

11. I am proud of you. Because kids need to hear this from their parents. Every. Day.

12. I’m impressed with how you solved/built/created that. Can you show me a thing or two?! Praise your daughter for her critical thinking and problem-solving prowess.

13. I think you are a great leader. One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to show her that being a leader isn’t just “being bossy.”

14. Just be yourself. It’s enough. Girls are constantly being told they aren’t enough, and it's time to break the cycle and instill confidence.

15. Your ideas are important, and I want to hear them. Kids in general, but especially girls, need to know their ideas are awesome and worth sharing.

Brittney Fort

16. Your inner beauty and kindness shine through your personality. Outer beauty is a bonus.

17. Your bright smile shows me how happy you are. Your daughter is smiling for a reason, and when you notice, it'll make her even happier. 

18. You're strong, you're smart, and you can change the world. Because she can!

19. I'm here for you. She needs to know that she can come to you for anything and that you'll be ready to listen.  

20. I'm sorry. No one is perfect, and sometimes we lose our cool. An apology shows that we can admit when we're wrong, which is an important life skill. 

Related: Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things

 

 

 

“Please don’t jump on the couch.”

“I told you not to jump on the couch.”

“STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!”

We set limits, and our children test them.

Conventional parenting advice says that it’s a children’s job to test our limits and that they’ll do this to find out how we’ll react. They want to find holes in our patience or our logic, and to check that we’re going to hold our limit. They are trying to establish a hierarchy of power in the relationship, and gain control of the situation.

And they are. If we view our relationship with our child as a zero-sum game, one person’s win has to be balanced by another person’s loss.  And if we aren’t the winner, then the alternative—that our child might have the upper hand—is too difficult to even imagine.

And if our goal is to make sure your children don’t get the upper hand, then we’ll always be in this struggle to make sure we’re on top.

We Feel Like We Need Control

At the root of these struggles is what feels like a need for control. And I say “feels like,” because any illusion that we have control over anything in our lives is exactly that: an illusion.

We feel like we control our schedules, our children’s activities, our finances. But if we think about it, actually very little of those things are under our control.  (Don’t think about it too long—it can be scary!)

Society tells us that it’s our job to be in control—we learned this from our parents (as well as school), and now we’re teaching it to our children by setting limits on their behavior.

But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if we could not be in an antagonistic relationship with our children and also not have them constantly test us?

Most parents assume that the solution to children not listening (or deliberately ignoring) limits is, you guessed it, more limits. And stronger enforcement of limits. That when our children listen to us, we might be able to back off a little. Maybe.

The Solution Is Fewer Limits

Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive. If our children aren’t listening to us now, how could setting fewer limits possibly be the answer?

Because setting limits sets the tone of our relationship. And if our relationship is based on power, antagonism, and control, then our children will always try to get the upper hand. How could they not? They are learning from us that someone needs to have it, and the person who doesn’t have it gets walked all over, so they’d better at least give it a shot.

But if we set fewer limits, we set an entirely different tone.

A collaborative tone. A communicative tone. A tone that says: “Our relationship is the most important thing to me.”

So how do we set fewer limits without letting our kids walk all over us?

The key is to set limits that are grounded in your values. When you do this, your child hears in your voice that you’re serious. (You’ve noticed this before, right? When you say something that you believe in, and your child doesn’t protest?)

So you set limits on issues that are important to you—and the rest of them—you let go.

It’s not easy.

It’s a huge mindset shift, so I run a free workshop to help parents do it.

The strangest part about it all is that it doesn’t require us to get our children to do anything. We aren’t trying to change their behavior. We aren’t trying to control them, or win a battle over them. We’re finding a new way to be in a relationship with them that’s so much more peaceful and joyful and just plain fun!

And also, it’s easier than the other way. Because everyone could use some more easy in their life right now.

 

Feature photo: Pixel-Shot via Shutterstock

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

The sibling bond is a special one. I have three brothers and as I have gotten older I realize one of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me was my siblings.

There is something reassuring about having someone who really knows where you came from and stands shoulder to shoulder facing the world with you when all roads pointed home.

When my husband and I began discussing children—how many to have, how far to space them, etc., I knew I wanted more than one and not that far apart. I wanted to give my children a guaranteed someone to walk this world with them once I am gone. We decided on three kids, all three years apart.

Want to hear God laugh? Make a plan.

We ended up with four kids—with our youngest coming 18 months after his older brother. He’s the greatest surprise of my life and God knew we needed him.

So, we ended up with two girls and two boys. The girls are older than the boys. The boys have autism and the girls do not.

My oldest daughter, Emma, is 10 although she is much wiser than her age suggests.

She loves them and she understands what autism is. She gets how it affects the boys and how it affects our family dynamics.

Sometimes I worry that because of her age and maturity she’s too perceptive and carries some of my worries with her. She’s seen my tears and heard tough conversations between her father and me about resources and funding.

Emma would do just about anything for her brothers, except maybe sharing video game screen time.

Lily Ruth is our second born and our rainbow baby—both literally and figuratively.

Lily came after a loss. She was an answer to a prayer. She’s also a walking and talking rainbow. No, seriously. She loves to dress in bright happy colors and she spreads that joy—well most of the time, just not when it’s time to get up for school.

Lily is two years younger than Emma. She doesn’t quite grasp what autism is. She’s obviously familiar with the word and she’s well aware that her brothers are different, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she truly gets it at this point in her life.

Lily is quite honestly her brothers’ best friend. She loves them fiercely and is their biggest protector. She meets them at their level and they welcome her there.

She’s a much better big sister than I was at her age to my younger brothers.

I hope that my children will remain close as they travel this life.

I know as my children grow their bond will grow and change. They may not always be as close as they are now and that would be okay. I just hope wherever life takes them they know the roads that lead them back together.

I won’t always be here to look after my babies. Time on this Earth isn’t guaranteed. This is our temporary home. That’s just a reality for all of us.

But for a special needs parent, it is an exceptionally scary reality.

It is a reality that puts me into a cold sweat at 3 a.m. when I lay awake thinking of it. Who will be there for my boys when I can’t? Who will fight for them? Advocate for them? Cheer them on?

Spoiler alert: My girls will. Their sisters will.

All siblings are special and their bonds should be celebrated. But, the bond of a special needs sibling is like no other. It is simple and patient and kind.

That’s why God (and my husband and I) gave our children siblings. They will always have someone to stand shoulder to shoulder with and face this world.

This post originally appeared on How Many Monkeys Are Jumping On the Bed?.

Marisa McLeod lives in Waterville, Ohio, with her husband and four kids. She's a Golden Girls, Disney, and organizational junkie. She can usually be found sipping coffee (or wine), watching reality television, or Pinterest-dreaming her next adventure. You can follow along with her on her blog How Many Monkeys Jumping on the Bed, Facebook, or on Instagram.