The other night was “wine night” for a few moms in my neighborhood. We do this every couple of months when we get together for our “PTO meeting” where we stay out too late, pour one too many, and hit the alarm clock more than we should the next morning. The most recent one was last week. I desperately needed a glass of wine and some girl talk, but having a five-week old baby meant that I also desperately need sleep.

Wine or sleep? Wine or sleep? (The struggle is real!)

Then the voice of a good friend came through with some words of wisdom, a piece of mom advice that I always refer back to when I’m stuck in a situation where I really want to do something, but question whether I can fit it all in.

Let me tell you this is one of the best pieces of parenting advice that I ever received. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s a no-brainer. But for some reason, it’s something that I always had a hard time implementing until recently. Ready for it?!

Say no to things that you may really want to do if it will make your life easier.

Sounds easy, right? Who doesn’t want to make their life easier? I mean we’re told in the workforce to say no all the time. It’ll help advance your career path. It’ll lighten your load. Heck, we say no to our kids all the time! Recently I have even seen books on why it is healthy to say no. But for my type A personality I always feel like I can figure out a way to make it all happen all the while stressing myself in the process—its just my personality. For better or worse I am a people pleaser which makes exercising this “rule” pretty hard at times. It’s hard to turn down things that you or someone in your family really want to do (like go drink some wine down the street).

Truth be told, putting it into action has literally saved me time and sanity. Let me give you some examples…

That birthday party for your kid’s classmate that starts at 7:30 pm when your kid goes to bed at 8 pm. Say no. When you’re invited to somebody’s house for a weekend get-together and you already have two other things to do right before then, say no. When school asks for you to help with volunteering for the next event but you’re not sure you can pick up your other kids and make it there in time, say no. When you get invited to Adele’s concert but you’re not feeling well and coming off a work trip, say no. When you want to catch some zzz’s even though you want some gal time, go for the sleep!

I found that there is always another time for these events, invitations, volunteering, etc. There will always be more birthday parties, get togethers, school fundraisers, and even concerts to attend. Your sanity, health, and time are more important! So do as we teach our kids when it comes to drugs—JUST SAY NO! You’ll thank me for it.

Erin is a working mom of two exploring ways to embrace change and find new hobbies in her search for life outside of Corporate America. She lives in Bucks County Pennsylvania with her husband, two kids, and Boston Terrier. She also loves ice cream and chocolate. A lot.

 

Please stop judging me for leaving the office at exactly 5 p.m.; my kids are waiting to be picked up from the sitter.

I know I’m missing this meeting, but my kid’s preschool graduation is more important.

I know I was late today, but I can’t drop the baby off at daycare until 7:45 a.m.

I know that I seem distracted because I am distracted. I have a sick toddler and I am waiting to find out when I can get him into the pediatrician.

I don’t want to look exhausted when I show up at the office, but I have been awake since 4:30 a.m. with an inconsolable kid.

I know that my eyes look glazed over, but I spent the last twelve hours trying to soothe a baby to sleep.

I didn’t mean for my email to seem snippy, but I have a five-year-old that cried this morning because he didn’t want to go to school, and I am worried about him.

Yes, I just banged my head against my desk. I received a text message that my kid has pink eye and I have to leave to get him even though this report is almost due.

I know my eyes are very swollen right now. I spent last night crying because I am exhausted, never get to be alone and haven’t taken a hot shower in five years.

Sorry that I was short with you, but I spent the last hour arguing with a toddler over the necessity of wearing pants to the babysitter.

I know I am supposed to leave my personal life at the door when I come to the office, but when you are a mom to two small kids, that is hard to do.

So thank you to everyone that has given me grace over the last five years.

I could probably stand to give myself a little.

Being a full-time working mom with young kids is not easy.

Thank you to every boss that has let me leave for doctor’s appointments, unexpected sicknesses, preschool graduations, and school lunches.

Thank you to all the people that turned their heads when I was pregnant and had to run out of a meeting to go puke.

Thank you to everyone that has let me know they also had a hard time juggling their work/life/kid balance.

Thank you to the people that ignored my swollen eyes, exhausted face and the spit-up on my blouse.

Thank you to all the other moms that slay it each and every day and motivate me to keep going.

Thank you to the people that encourage me to keep going even though I can feel defeated at times.

Thank you to all the co-workers that have picked up slack for me because I had to make a quick exit to solve a kid emergency.

I know that I am not the only working mom in the world, but I am a working mom and I totally understand what you are going through.

I understand that you feel like you need to overcompensate because you get to work just on time and leave the minute the clock strikes five.

I understand when you eat your lunch at your desk because you have to leave early to get a kid from the sitter to the doctor then back to the sitter and then get yourself back to the office in time for your 2 p.m. meeting.

I understand that sometimes you show up to work looking like you were attacked by a flock of geese because the kids couldn’t find their shoes, you gave someone the wrong color bowl and then forgot to take Sleepy Bear to the babysitter.

I understand that you are tired. Exhausted probably.

But I also understand that you are capable and worthy of so much more than you realize sometimes.

You don’t have to choose between two worlds that you love. You can have them both. You can have a family and a career. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

Yes, the worlds might collide sometimes and make life much more complicated, but it’s worth it.

So don’t stop. Don’t give up. You’ve got this.

And P.S. Not everyone is going to understand. And that’s okay.

Until next time,

Jamie

This post originally appeared on Hashtag MomFail.
Featured image: iStock 

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

“Alexa, remind me to…” You’re probably already using the robotic assistant’s reminder feature to stay on top of the daily grind. Now there’s a new life hack courtesy of Amazon: you can assign reminders to other members of your household!

All you have to do is make sure your family members have Alexa profiles set up. Once that’s done, ask Alexa to remind Timmy to take out the trash or Sarah to schedule a school meeting. The reminder will pop up as a push notification on a phone at an exact time you specify.

You can also create recurring reminders to assign to others, like “Remind Connor to feed the dog twice a day.” Finally, you can specify relationships in the Alexa App, like nicknames or family titles, so it’s even easier to personalize reminders. Any member of your house can use reminder assignments, so don’t be surprised if you see push notifications pop up on your phone, too!

For more Alexa goodness, check out another recent update that lets you add Shaq or Melissa McCarthy to your device. And if your kids are on the younger side, Amazon recently released a new feature that allows Alexa to read with them!

—Sarah Shebek

All images courtesy of Amazon

 

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The last few months have been filled with long-awaited hugs, in-person hangouts and, for some, meeting in real life for the first time! Once you get to meet a tiny new addition in person, you want to hold and cuddle them as close as you can—which is why we teamed up with Nuna to capture families’ heartwarming moments of meeting loved ones after far too long. Thanks to Nuna’s CUDL Baby Carrier, parents, family and friends can keep baby close and comfy! Learn more about the Nuna CUDL.

Understatement of the year: Parenting while struggling with your own mental health is challenging. The truth is, as much as we don’t like to hear it, the ways we manage our own anxiety and stress—positive or negative—can impact our kids. But, before you can help your child, you have to learn to manage your own stress and anxiety in healthy ways.

All of us react poorly at times when we’re overwhelmed or frustrated. We raise our voices at our child when we shouldn’t or we let little things bother us that normally would not. It’s not until our child does the same thing two weeks later that we remember…those small, observant humans are always watching.

Kids observe us as parents because they are seeking information on how to interpret ambiguous situations. So, if you, the parent, seem worried, afraid, or anxious on a frequent or consistent basis, your child may conclude that certain scenarios are dangerous or triggering.

Having anxiety does not make you a bad parent. I cannot iterate this enough. 

Having anxiety as a parent just means that it’s especially important for you to learn stress management techniques and model this for your child. In fact, “A big part of treatment for children with anxiety is actually teaching parents stress tolerance. It’s a simultaneous process—it’s both directing the parent’s anxiety, and then how they also support and scaffold the child’s development of stress tolerance.”—Dr. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist.

As you learn and actively practice managing your own anxiety, you are paving a path for your child who is observing your behavior. From you, they are learning how to address situations of uncertainty or doubt. No pressure, right?

Here are some Child Mind Institute-approved ways we can positively model anxiety management for our kids.

First, explain your anxiety when your child sees it.

Let’s say, you lose your temper on bring-your-kid-to-work day because you’re running late for a meeting and traffic is terrible. Later in the day, when things calm down, it’s a good idea to address that moment with your child.

Do you remember when dad was angry in the car this morning? Well, I was feeling anxious because I was running late for a meeting and the way I managed my anxiety was by yelling at all of the other drivers on the road. But, there are other ways to manage anxiety. I will brainstorm some better ways that I can handle this situation next time so that I don’t let traffic ruin my morning or yours.

Second, talk openly about your anxiety.

This is important because it lets your kids know they have permission to feel stress but also that stress is manageable. You may not want your child to be the eye witness of your every anxious moment, but you also don’t have to hide your emotions.

It’s actually healthy for kids to observe how their parents cope with stress every now and then. When we keep our children from seeing us anxious, stressed, angry or sad 100% of the time, we inadvertently send the message that they do not have permission to feel those emotions and that, when they inevitably feel these emotions, there is no appropriate way to manage them.

Third, make a plan.

Be prepared to manage situations that trigger stress. If you know you have a day full of stressful meetings coming up, plan to step aside and take a few deep breaths in between each meeting. If you know your mother-in-law is staying at your place, plan your reaction when she asks why the house isn’t cleaner.

Fourth, know when to disengage.

If you know that a situation causes you a great deal of stress, figure out how to remove yourself from the situation. For example, if you have separation anxiety from dropping your kids off at soccer practice, try swapping carpool schedules with a parent. If they drop off, you’ll pick up. Of course you eventually want to be able to take your child to practice but, if you are still working through this, it’s okay to carpool. You want to avoid letting your tone or facial expressions lead your kids to believe there is something dangerous about being dropped off at practice.

Take some time for yourself to engage in a stress-relieving activity when you feel a bout of anxiety coming on in the presence of your child (even if it’s just taking a few deep breaths). This is way easier said than done, but can save you hardships in the long run.

And finally, find a support system. Like, actually do it.

Even if you’re a single parent, you really do not have to do it alone. Identify people in your life (text them right now or, if it’s late, tomorrow morning) who will help out when you feel overwhelmed or follow up with encouraging words when you need them. This could be your spouse, a therapist, another PTA parent, an in-person or virtual support group, etc.

You can also find support through social media, blogs, or other online forums. Lots of parents are passionate about mental health and parenting and they write about it publicly.

I leave you with this: You aren’t expected to manage your stress right every time. The cool thing about having a kid is that they force us to grow into the type of people we want to be because we, whether we choose to or not, lead by example. If you’re thinking that stress management is something you need to fix about yourself, reframe that. This is an opportunity to grow personally and to grow with your child.

To learn more about explaining anxiety to your kids, check out maro by BeforeWeBegin.

 

Works cited: Brigit Katz is a staff writer at Tina Brown Media’s Women in the World. Her writing has appeared on NYtimes.com, N. (2020, April 07). How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids.

Kenzie Butera Davis
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

maro helps parents navigate tough growing-up conversations with their kids: mental health, puberty, empathy & diversity.


The last year has been full of changes for everyone—especially for those of us who welcomed a new family member! Now that we’re getting more social and less distant, it’s time for baby to get off of FaceTime and meet family and friends IRL. To celebrate, we’re teaming up with Nuna to share the aww-worthy memories being made. Join in the fun by submitting a video or photo of your loved ones meeting for the first time or reuniting after far too long!

  1. You muted your microphone on a Zoom call but forgot to turn your camera off to yell at a child to get back on their kindergarten Google Meet. Your entire team is now terrified of making you mad.
  2. You made an unexpected appearance in said kindergarten Google Meet that you thought was muted but wasn’t. Now your child’s entire kindergarten class is also terrified of you.
  3. You pull on a sweater over your dirty t-shirt ten seconds before a meeting and pop in with a big smile and a bigger cup of coffee.
  4. People constantly tell you that you look tired. Mostly because you are tired. So tired. But you just smile and nod because responding would make more people scared of you.
  5. You have attended a meeting, paid attention, changed a diaper, unloaded the dishwasher, and fed the dog in the last three minutes.
  6. You have been hit in the head with a Nerf dart or some sort of ball during a video meeting.
  7. You don’t wear real pants anymore. Ever.
  8. You are stretched so thin that you think you might not be able to do this any longer.
  9. When you get the rare chance to go to the office, you cherish it. You can be alone and sit in silence and drink coffee and think without hearing crying or barking or the tv or a microwave or screaming YouTubers.
  10. You have had a meeting or important call while crouching in a closet or in the bathroom because it’s the only place your kids can’t find you.

This post originally appeared on HashtagMomFail.

 

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I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

PAW Patrol, we’re on a roll! Fans of the popular Nick Jr. TV show are in for a treat—a movie based on the series is coming soon. And we’ve got your first look at what to expect with a new trailer, including a new original song from Adam Levine!

PAW PATROL: THE MOVIE opens in theaters on August 20 and is rated G for general audiences. With summer winding down around the release date, consider it one more treat for the kids before they head back to school.

Adventure City is in big trouble when the pups’ biggest rival, Humdinger, becomes the mayor. Ryder and his fellow rescue dogs leap into action to save the day. After meeting a new ally, a dachshund named Liberty, the PAW Patrol fights to save the citizens of the city! Of course, there’s plenty of exciting new gadgets and gear involved to keep your kids enthralled.

Delores in PAW Patrol Movie
Delores (voiced by Kim Kardashian West)

The movie features members from the original series’ cast and a number of celebrity voices, including Kim Kardashian West, Dax Shepard, Iain Armitage, Tyler Perry and Jimmy Kimmel.

L-R: Liberty (voiced by Marsai Martin), Ruben (voiced by Dax Shepard), and Butch (voiced by Randall Park)

Your little PAW Patrol fans are undoubtedly excited for this one! Save the date and plan your return trip to your local theater on August 20.

––Sarah Shebek

All images courtesy of Spin Master

 

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Photo: Storyblocks

In many ways, blended families are just like any “traditional” family. There are conflicts, chaos, understanding and a whole lot of love to go along with it. While there are many different definitions of a blended family, a blended family is any family in which there are people who aren’t traditionally or biologically related to each other. Whether that means an extended tree of relatives involved in your nuclear family, step-moms and step-dads, half-siblings—you name it! But no matter how your family is blended, the most important part of the phrase isn’t the blending—it’s the family.

Whether your blended family is newer or you’re simply looking for techniques to help your already existing family thrive, there are so many ways to improve your family’s function. Really, helping a blended family thrive has a lot in common with what you’d do to help any family thrive. While, of course, every family is unique, blended families are a part of that idea. There are so many ways you can ensure that you’re doing the best for your family and that they’re all participating in seeing your family thrive. Here are a few ways you can make that happen.

1. Be Patient
If your blended family is a more recent introduction to everyone’s lives, patience can be a virtue for everyone. A shift in your family can be a lot to adjust to, no matter how old you are, especially if you don’t have much of a say in the matter. Be patient with everyone who is spending some time and energy adjusting, and be patient with yourself, too.

2. Set Boundaries
Different families have different standards for boundaries, and when you enter a new family situation, it’s important to re-establish boundaries and communicate what makes everyone feel the most comfortable. Especially when it comes to kids living with new people while they begin to understand their autonomy, they should know that they have the right and responsibility to set the boundaries they need.

3. Work on Communication
Working on open communication is crucial in any family, but especially in a blended family, where people have different backgrounds, experiences, ideas and boundaries. You don’t always know how the different members of your family are used to talking about things, so it can be highly beneficial to talk about your feelings as a group and make sure everyone is comfortable and taken care of.

4. Have Family Meetings
One of the best venues for communication is the family meeting. Especially if you have a larger family, a meeting could be a great way to get everyone together in one place so everybody can be involved in communication and decision-making. Family meetings are some of the best places to talk about everything from big to small.

5. Give Space When Necessary
Families are close, but that doesn’t mean you always need to be on top of each other all the time. Whether you’re dealing with kids’ feelings, yours or your partners, space can sometimes be the answer to a lot of the anxieties and overwhelming situations that can come with a new family. Of course, families stick together through thick and thin, but people need space to process things, too.

6. Practice Autonomy
From bodily autonomy to setting boundaries, this one can be especially important for kids in a new environment. Even if you know everyone around you is safe and well-intentioned, it’s important to make sure your kids know they always have a say in what happens to them and that they can set the boundaries they need to feel comfortable.

7. Be Realistic
One great thing to keep in mind about blending a family is that not everyone will get along swimmingly all the time right away. Some siblings will fight like siblings, there might be disputes here and there and there might be some awkwardness. Blending doesn’t always mean that things are peachy. Families have rough patches, and it’s important to be realistic and not expect perfection.

8. Start New Traditions Together
One of the best ways to get families to connect is through traditions. This is a place where you can really have fun with things. You can take your traditions in any direction you want—from family game nights to camping trips, to special holiday activities. Traditions are a way for everyone to have fun together, and what could be more special than that?

Helping Your Blended Family Thrive
Helping your blended family thrive is a lot like you’d help any family thrive—with a whole lot of love, effort and communication. And while it might not always be easy, it’ll always be worthwhile when you see everyone connecting and building new relationships together. Whether you place emphasis on family meetings, new traditions or setting boundaries, there are so many ways you can build your family up, together.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

Are you walking into a new world of special needs parenting for the first time? Are you a few years in and finding things hard to manage right now? Or are you the parent who has walked this path and is now looking ahead at what services are there for your child’s future? Here are some gems of advice that I have received from others who have walked this path alongside me and before me—plus some of my own.

1. Advocacy can come in many forms.
If you are the loud and proud mama or papa bear walking into an IEP meeting or evaluation asking all the questions and expecting answers, that is the perfect way to do it. If you are the parent who is searching the internet looking for all the studies and best practices to be prepared to walk into each meeting with statistics and sites behind you, that is wonderful. If you are a quiet parent finding their voice behind the forms, appointments, and recommendations who reach out to others for support, it is just right to bring those voices with you.

What I have learned along the way from others is you can have a combination of these advocacy approaches at different times when different emotions are flowing. No matter how you lift yourself up and fight the good fight, that is what is right for today.

2. Talking about all the feelings that come with parenting is ok.
As parents, we often feel that speaking about the dark and hard is shameful. Others aren’t feeling the way you are because you haven’t had someone open up to you about it yet. We sit in feelings of guilt, sorrow, sadness, feelings of failure, and overwhelming tasks. These feelings do not overshadow the joy, love, happiness, and bliss that comes with parenting, so it is ok to talk about them.

Not only is parenting a challenge on some days, but special needs parenting comes with so many additional challenges. I never wanted to feel lost in the what-ifs, hows, or whys but it is natural to feel that way at certain points. The commercial idea of parenting found in parenting magazines can feel defeating and unrealistic. Please share your story with others because there for sure is a parent sitting behind a closed door waiting to hear that they are not alone.

3. Take in the wins, celebrate each accomplishment, and honor the hard work.
As special needs parents, we sit with therapists, teachers, and even family members as they highlight the perceived deficiencies in our children. We watch each minute of practice and hard work to hold a fork, brush teeth, recognize words, speak a sentence, communicate needs, and so much more. Our family circles in the celebration with each accomplishment to fight off the mountain of forms, saying that our children might be able to accomplish these things. We shout with joy because these are the true heartfelt moments of parenting magnified by time waited and hours practiced.

Not only do we honor the hard work, but we absorb it as our own accomplishment alongside our children, because what parent doesn’t feel pride when celebrating their child’s accomplishments. Autism has given us the ability to slow things down, to watch the accomplishments that others take for granted, and circle our children in celebration.

4. Have a “tap out” word or phrase.
When you are feeling at your brink, when the noise is too much, when the systems are too much, and when you can imagine your feelings pouring out of your body onto the floor in front of you, have a tap-out word. Ask for help sometimes; it’s ok to say today has been too much, I need to go to bed early, I need to take a walk, or I need to eat a mountain of cake alone in the dark in my pajamas (this may be directly from my own experience).

Special needs parents are human, we all have our moments where we need to just tap out. If you have a person who can do that for you in your life, don’t let the feelings of guilt come along with it. By taking a break, you are honoring not only yourself but your family, too. The fresh perspective you will come back to parenting with after a break might be just what you need to shift the energy around you.

5. Watch, learn, and grow.
From the one and only Busta Rhymes, “If you don’t know, now you know.” Every day we are learning from our experiences. What is behind us shapes where we are headed. Learn as much as you can from your children. Take them in as much as possible. Even if they are in a dumping stage and everything from a bowl or plate lands on the floor, rub it into the carpet with them sometimes. I knew nothing about autism before our children’s diagnoses. I didn’t know the correct terminology, what was offensive to others, or what therapy would work best for them. I am still learning all the ins and outs of this world, and I am grateful for all the information out there. I am growing as a person and I hope to take in as many perspectives as possible.

Tabitha Cabrera, lives in Arizona with her husband, and two beautiful children. She works as an Attorney and enjoys spending her time in a public service role. The family loves nature and ventures outdoors as much possible. Come check out her little nature babies