On a Tuesday after school, I stood alone on the sideline of my daughter’s middle school soccer game, unable to concentrate on anything but all the tasks I had to squeeze in when we got home.
My mind raced with thoughts of dinner, homework, laundry, feeding the dogs, emptying the car, cleaning up after dinner, choosing an outfit for both of my girls, choosing a work one for me, showers, reading books, paying attention to a story about a squirrel at recess, signing permission slips, and studying spelling words. It was all I could do to keep myself from speeding home to get a head start.
During the week, I was up at 4:30. After I took a walk, packed lunches, made breakfast for my girls, and filled my thermos with coffee, I dashed to beat the school bell at the high school where I taught. I was a pro at time efficiency, yet I couldn’t find a way to add minutes to the day.
At the time, my daughters were 10 and 12. Their quick cute Saturday morning soccer games had been replaced by a sports schedule that consumed our week. If it wasn’t soccer, it was lacrosse or swimming. Out of motherly obligation, I dragged myself to each one as though I had no choice.
By then, I’d learned that sideline chit-chat made me feel worse. I compared myself to moms who joked with one another and didn’t compulsively check their phones for the time.
I often wanted to ask them: Do you really like going to these things? How do you cope when you get home? Does your anxiety skyrocket and send you into a tailspin? But I didn’t ask anything because my husband’s love of watching our girls play let me know some parents actually enjoyed it. So, I pushed through game by game, each time a little more resentful.
Most of the time when we got home afterward, I acted awfully. I snapped at my kids and raced around the house as if someone was chasing me. Annie’s mac and cheese and mini carrots became the go-to dinner (“Yes, again,” I told my younger daughter.) I got angry when my dogs took over 30 seconds to poop and cursed my husband for going back to work to “finish up.” I let my girls watch TV while they ate, so I didn’t have to sit with them. I needed the time to get everything done before bed.
Nothing about it felt good—not me, not the way I was mothering, or the unrealistic burden of squeezing a list of “musts” into a tiny window of time.
The night I made my younger daughter cry because she asked for help with her homework, I knew something had to give. No longer could I buy into the false notion that a “good” mom showed up for every game. Showing up at every game was making me anything but. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to pull it off.
In my head, I rehearsed how I’d explain to my daughters that I wasn’t going to go to every game anymore. I didn’t want them to mistake my absence for apathy. In the end, I opted for the truth.
One night before bedtime, I sat on their bedroom floor and said, “I’m not going to all your games anymore. I’ll be in a better mood if I have some time to get stuff done before you get home. OK?”
They both looked at me and smiled. More than that, they looked relieved. I told them to pick two games a season that they wanted me to watch. I’d look forward to going to them and, other times, be happy listening to the recap over dinner that was something different than Annie’s mac and cheese.
At first, putting my needs before theirs didn’t feel right. If anything says “bad” mom, it’s skipping the line of everyone else’s needs. But I was tired of being a martyr and not convinced they needed me at every game. What they needed was a mom who met them at the door and was happy to see them. When I made the decision, a 10-ton boulder lifted off my shoulders. If anyone was judging me, I felt too good to care.
This year my younger daughter is a senior in high school. With confidence, I can tell you I don’t regret the games I missed. Nostalgia doesn’t take over and leave me wishing for lost time on soccer sidelines. I may not remember a specific load of laundry or meal I made while they played, but I do remember rewriting an unwritten obligation of motherhood that allowed me to show up as the best version of myself in all the other moments off the sports field.
You might think “mean girls,” shifting friendships, and popularity contests are a rite of passage reserved for teenagers—but the truth is, this brand of schoolyard drama starts in elementary school.
And it’s not just girls. In fact, according to a study by the University of Illinois, kids of both genders are aware of popularity issues as early as third grade. And while this survey of 12,000 elementary and middle school kids found that 41 to 48 percent of girls reported experiencing relational aggression (teasing, social exclusion, and rumor-spreading), another study actually found that it is boys who use this sort of aggression more.
So get ready, because there will likely be a day when your otherwise confident child will come home from school and tell you something that’ll make your heart sink. And while you may want to swoop in and come to the rescue (or stomp right up to the mean kid himself), experts say parents should navigate this territory carefully.
“The child is looking to us not just to solve the problem, but to know how to feel about the problem,” said Abigail Wald, a parent coach whose nontraditional coaching program, Mother Flipping Awesome, has helped more than 10,000 families, “And if we are thinking, ‘This is the worst thing to ever happen,’ that sets off alarm bells for the child and makes a mountain out of a molehill very quickly.”
And remember: the drama your kids face now can help build the resilience they’ll need later.
“One thing we can do is change our perception of these things and realize that yes they are annoying for us—and sometimes they can feel downright heartbreaking—but essentially these things are really good,” Wald said. “These are good training wheels dramas for everything that our children are going to have to deal with throughout their lives.”
Here are some scenarios to consider:
When a classmate (or friend) is mean
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Before you jump to conclusions, try to help your child see the other side: maybe the “mean kid” felt hurt by something your child said to her. Maybe the child is dealing with something difficult in her own life. Or maybe you just need to teach your child to rise above the conflict. So listen—and ask questions.
“This is a beautiful opportunity for us to help our child learn values and coping skills,” Wald said. “Discuss with the child what choices the other person is making and what that child might be needing, or consider that their friend might be hurt and taking it out in these ways.”
You can also try to role-play future interactions to outfit your child for future encounters. Ask your child to play their part, while you play the part of the friend and play out different scenarios to see what options your child may have to handle the problem.
The advantage to this sort of approach, Wald said, is that even tight-lipped kids may end up showing you a lot more about what’s going on than if you had just asked them, “What happened?”
“We can also discuss whether that is somebody they really want in their life or not,” she added.
If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying, that’s one of those times when you should definitely get involved—by more than just empathizing. (Here’s how to recognize the emotional and physical signs that your kid is being bullied, according to the National Center Against Bullying.)
Immediately reach out to the school—first your child’s teacher, then the principal—to make them aware of the situation. Most schools have strict anti-bullying policies and should attend to any suspicions immediately and respond to complaints quickly.
“If you sense that your child is having feelings of self-harm or that there is actual bullying going on—physical or emotional—that is truly unsafe, that is a time to step in to engage other adults and figure out what the options are,” Wald said.
When a good friend moves to a different “group”
While your heart might break along with your child’s, you want to resist the urge to “fix it,” just be there with your child’s feelings.
According to Sacramento psychologist Dawn Huebner, parents often rush to make things all better, but this doesn’t help kids—and can even make things worse.
“You do not want to continue to try to set up playdates if it’s clear to you that the friendship isn’t working anymore,” said Huebner, who has written several books, including Outsmarting Worry: An Older Kid’s Guide to Managing Anxiety. “Parents are quick to try to make things OK for them by solving problems or by making it seem like this thing that’s happening isn’t that bad, but when your friend doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, that’s sad. It’s normal to feel sad.”
Consequently, a parent’s first job in this situation is to empathize. Huebner urged parents to think about the sort of support they’d want. For instance, grown-ups don’t like other people solving their problems; most of the time, neither do children.
“The most helpful thing is when another person says, ‘Oh that’s hard. I’m sorry that happened,'” she said. “It’s the same for children.”
When your child isn’t picked for a team/invited to a party
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It’s hard for anyone to feel left out—and there’s nothing a parent can really do to make this feeling go away (at least not right away). But instead of trying to distract your child, experts say parents should simply sit with their children and let them feel all their feelings. Empathize, but don’t solve. This helps build coping skills for the future.
“You don’t want to distract the child to compensate; that’s a mistake,” Huebner said. “You want to start with, ‘That’s hard.’ Because sometimes we don’t have the answers. You can say, ‘I don’t know why your friend didn’t invite you. It’s hard to be left out. You’re just kind of commiserating.”
When your child doesn’t want your advice
The hardest part about watching our kids unravel over a seemingly small drama is resisting the urge to tell them what to do. After all, we may know a quick fix. Why can’t we just give them the directions?
Because, most likely, your kids don’t want your input unless they’ve actually asked you for it. So tread lightly.
“You want to hear them and be compassionate about it, but that’s different than agreeing with them,” Huebner said. “Then you can say something like, ‘Do you want to hear my ideas?’ Or, ‘Do you want some help sorting this out?'”
Keeping up with middle school slang can be a tad overwhelming—just when you think you’ve got it down, your kid comes home, spouting off new words that seem like utter nonsense. You’re unsure if it’s an insult or a compliment, and if you attempt to ask them to explain, you’ll be laughed out of the room and still have no idea what they’re talking about. We looked to our resident Gen Alpha and Gen Z slang expert, Mr. Lindsay, for intel on the latest phrases middle school kids are using. Some have a positive connotation, and some are most definitely “Ohio,” so keep reading and get informed.
Replying to @laurencella What a great opportunity we have as educators and parent to use one of the words our kids are using and leverage it to teach valuable life skills! Every one would benefit from people young and old who are #standingonbusiness and doing exactly what they say they are going to do! Now that you know what it means, how can you leverage this word to connect with your students and teach them valuable life skills? #teachersoftiktok#teacherfyp#teacher#teach#genalpha#middleschoolslang#genz#slang
This phrase is big with Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids. But unlike other slang words, you can benefit from understanding what it means and trying it out on your kids. According to Mr. Lindsay, it describes doing exactly what you said you would do. “You’re not minding anyone’s business but your own. And you have really clear boundaries and expectations for yourself and others. And if you’re not standing on business, it means you’re all talk. You’re wishy-washy,” he says.
He continues by saying this behavior is what he hopes to see in his classroom and that it’s an opportunity to help kids build the skill set they’ll need later in life. We couldn’t agree more.
I guess I’m just a typical #millenial put here in my LuLuLemon! 😂 Here is a new one. The middle schoolers are using now: “Thats so _________ coded” Have you heard this one yet? What words are they putting in front of coded for you? tteachersoftiktoktteacherfypsslangggenzmmillenialcodedmmiddleschoolmmiddleschoolersm#middleschoolteacher
While this Gen Z slang word isn’t brand-brand new, according to Mr. Lindsay, it’s becoming a more commonplace term for middle schoolers. “My outfit is millennial coded to some of these kids, [which] just means that it’s very typical of a millennial to wear an outfit like this. So they’re using all kinds of things with the word ‘coded’ after to say something insulting in a sly, underhanded, sarcastic way, like, that’s so typical of that group.”
So, parents, if your kid says something like “That’s so soccer mom coded” or “That’s so millennial coded,” it’s an insult, and you have every right to call them on it.
This Gen Z slang word is a way of telling someone they’re so cool. This person has all the rizz. Mr. Lindsay spoke with some of his students to get an accurate definition of the term, and according to them, Sigma is somewhat of a replacement for the term Alpha. So, instead of being the Alpha, you’re now the Sigma. “You’re the baddie, the Alpha, the Sigma, you’re him. You’re all that and a bag of Doritos.” So, if someone tells you that you’re not a Sigma, it means you’re not him, you’re not a baddie, you’re not cool. The kids went on to clarify that while usually used jokingly, it’s also a serious compliment.
This one has been around for a while but only recently made its way into TikTok, live streams, and YouTube. It stems from the song “I Got Motion,” which came out at the beginning of 2023, but in early March 2024, live streamers Jinxi and Sketch took it to a whole new level. In a recent podcast episode, Jinxi asked Sketch how long he’s had motion, and Sketch replied: “Since birth.” Someone merged the clip with the song, and it has gone viral.
What does it mean? According to our Gen Z slang expert, Mr. Lindsay, it’s a versatile and fluid word used for various reasons, and different groups of kids might define it differently. The general idea, however, is that if you’ve got motion, you can make things happen and be productive. Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids use it to describe someone who can make money, has major rizz (can flirt), or is an admirable human. Regardless of the context, the assumption is if someone has motion, they’re a good person and doing good things.
This one is a head-scratcher. We know Ohio as the state of Ohio. But this term came from a meme created around 2021 or 2022. During that time, a lot of wild and weird things were happening in Ohio, and the meme represented the idea that crazy, wacky, or cringy stuff happens “only in Ohio.” Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids pulled the word from the meme and redefined it. Now, calling someone “Ohio” or saying “only in Ohio” refers to something being off the wall or just plain cringe.
Skibidi Ohio Rizz
This one is just… whew. We know Skibidi gained traction with the popular YouTube Skibidi Toilet videos, and the word means “something bad.” We know Ohio = cringe or weird. And we know rizz is charisma. Put them all together, and what do you get? Someone whose attempt or ability to flirt or be charming is terrible.
Crocs with socks. Oversized t-shirts over teeny tiny shorts. Stanleys and Lululemon. There’s no doubt that Gen Z and Gen Alpha styles can be a bit of a head-scratcher. To make things even more confusing, known fashion trends from back in the day are now something else altogether. Take Izod polos and boat shoes: Better not call them “preppy” unless you enjoy having your tween or tween roll their eyes at you. In hopes of properly explaining Gen Alpha style for parents everywhere, we chatted with a Gen Z teen and got some explanations from mom and interior designer Kristina Kairis.
This Gen Z and Gen Alpha style revolves around ultra-feminine things like pearls, bows, pink, pastels, and soft, lacy, girly-girl clothes. Kairis explains it as “Marie Antoinette in modern times,” and our Gen Z teen confirms this is on point. The teen expert said coquette is also used to describe a current mood, as in “I’m feeling very coquette today.”
Preppy
This Gen Z and Gen Alpha style is probably the most confusing to understand—at least for Gen X and Millenials. What we consider “preppy” a.k.a. polo shirts, khaki shorts, deck shoes, over-the-shoulder sweaters, and plaid, is NOT preppy for Gen Z and Gen Alpha kiddos. For them, preppy means bold and bright colors, Lululemon, Stanley cups, smiley faces, and for some reason, our teen expert says neon Nirvana hoodies are also preppy (our former grunge selves are SO perplexed).
Kairis mentions that the preppy look feels like upgraded VSCO girls, and the Gen Z teen agrees. There is also a good and bad way to use the word “preppy;” it all depends on how you say it, as Kairis mentions in her TikTok.
Aesthetic-Aesthetic (a.k.a. Vanilla Girl)
We all know that the term “aesthetic” is a favorite for Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids. But what you might not know is that it’s also a style. This style is all about the beige, the neutrals, the cozy, the soft, and the mellow—hence, Vanilla Girl.
Cottage Core
According to our Gen Z teenager, cottage core is a style that looks like you want to live off the grid, raise chickens, and make bread from scratch. So, all those homesteading IG accounts you follow? They’re living the cottage core life. Kairis explains it as the English countryside, going on a picnic, living a simplified life in an oversimplified way. Kairis also included long fancy nails in her cottage core style board, but our teen expert said acrylic nails are in no way part of the cottage core aesthetic.
E-Girl
This Gen Z and Gen Alpha style features a lot of black, overdone makeup, and mesh, so your brain might automatically think Emo, but E-Girl is a shortened version of “electronic girl,” and it is a blend of emo, goth, and Japanese and Korean street style. According to Wikipedia, the style gained popularity with the worldwide release of TikTok, a stark contrast to the filtered world of Instagram, which was the preferred platform of preppy girls.
E-girls wear baggy thrift-store finds, crop tops, platform shoes, plaid miniskirts, pigtails, and anime-inspired makeup. Our teen expert said that most e-girls are known to be streamers (they use Twitch) and wear headphones. Kairis says that the E-girl style is like “coquette meets goth” and that it almost feels like a “gothy, toned-down Harajuku girl,” which is pretty accurate.
Kawaii
The Kawaii aesthetic, which is also a Japanese street style look, is similar to coquette in that there are lots of pastel colors and lace. The clothes are almost doll-like in design and include fluffy skirts, scalloped shirts, patterned overalls, and anything that feels “cute.” There are also a lot of animal logos, Hello Kitty, jewelry, and keychains.
Soft Girl
This Gen Alpha micro-trend is a blend of coquette and Kawaii, with a bit of edge for good measure. Think eyelet fabric, pastels, gingham, and floral prints paired with platform shoes, bucket hats, and colorful hair clips. Cardigans and cropped jackets are also a big part of this look.
Kairis posted another video to get more details on what kids today call what we consider to be preppy style.
Our resident Gen Z expert said she hadn’t heard the term “Old Money” and figures it’s a Gen Alpha phrase. This aesthetic is what millennials and Gen X would consider “preppy” fashion. It’s definitely in line with the silent luxury fashion trend that gained popularity thanks to Succession. Think simple lines, neutral colors, loafers, sweaters worn over the shoulders, leather tote bags, blazers, etc. There aren’t too many kids wearing this style, however.
If you’re wondering why you aren’t hearing too much about the style of Gen Z and Gen Alpha boys, it’s because while there are some e-boys and preppy guys out there, a majority of tween and teen boys tend to dress as if they’ve just rolled out of bed. They almost always wear Crocs with socks, t-shirts, and athletic shorts, something that hasn’t changed much since we were young—minus the Crocs, of course.
If you want more help decoding today’s fashion trends and micro-styles your tween or teen might be coveting, Kairis created a free Gen Alpha style guide you can download here.
It’s hard to believe that little one, who used to fit snugly in the crook of your arm, is finally ready for kindergarten… or are they? Maybe you should wait another year? After all, what is the right kindergarten age? Especially since the practice of “redshirting” kids—giving them an extra year before starting kindergarten (making them one of the oldest as opposed to the youngest)—has risen in popularity. But like most trends in the parenting world, it leaves parents wondering if it is a good idea. That’s why we looked at the studies and asked experts to weigh in on what is the right age to start kindergarten. Here’s what we found.
Getting Kids Started in Kindergarten
The preschool years are over and it’s time to start kindergarten. But where do parents start? Where we do with all things—online and by asking other parents. Now is the time to check out your local school’s website or find and join parent Facebook pages or other social media accounts associated with the school. Other suggestions include talking to parents with older kids and asking your preschool teacher about local schools and expectations. There are lots of resources out there for parents with inquiring minds.
Kindergarten First-Year Enrollment
Although kindergarten enrollment varies from state to state, parents can expect to encounter some similar requirements no matter where they live. Here are a few universals:
In most states, kids must turn five years old by a certain date, usually September 1.
Many schools require kids to have certain vaccinations before starting school; check with your district about specific requirements.
Most will ask for proof of residence. A utility bill or other piece of mail works fine.
You may be asked to provide a copy of your child’s birth certificate to enroll.
What Do Kids Learn in Kindergarten?
Although the curriculum varies from district to district across the country, parents can count their kindergartners learning the alphabet, sight words, phonics, and basic sentence structure as part of Language Arts. Math covers basics like number recognition, counting, addition and subtraction, measurement, and basic geometry. Additionally, hands-on activities and play-based learning help kids learn about real-world concepts like weather, plants, and animals. But many would say the most important things kids learn in kindergarten support their social-emotional growth (or soft skills) like building relationships, solving conflicts, and developing empathy and self-awareness.
What is the difference between Transitional Kindergarten (TK) and Transitional to Elementary School (TES)?
Transitional Kindergarten (TK) is a two-year public school program designed for kids who turn 5 between September 2 and December 2 of the school year. It provides an additional year of instruction, focused on developing social-emotional skills, language and literacy, math, and physical development, to support kids who may not be ready for kindergarten.
Transitional to Elementary School (TES) is a program offered by preschools or childcare centers to prepare children for kindergarten. It typically focuses on language and literacy, math, social-emotional development, and basic self-help skills so kids can successfully transition to the academic and social expectations of kindergarten.
Your kid will (probably) be more willing to sit still if given an extra year.
Whether or not your five-year-old will sit still during circle time or stay on task at writing centers (or at home) may depend on their age, since younger children generally have a harder time doing both. Studies have shown that kids are often misdiagnosed with behavior problems in kindergarten when in fact, the behaviors are just a matter of being younger than classmates. And, according to this Stanford University study, children who wait a year to enroll have significantly lower levels of inattention and hyperactivity—with results continuing even at age 11.
Your kid may be misdiagnosed with ADHD if they start too early.
All those wiggles in the classroom may have some unintended consequences for kids regarding the right age to start kindergarten. A 2018 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that kids who turned five the month before starting kindergarten were more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than those who started the month that they turned six. "Our findings suggest the possibility that large numbers of kids are being overdiagnosed and overtreated for ADHD because they happen to be relatively immature compared to their older classmates in the early years of elementary school," said study author Timothy Layton, an assistant professor of health care policy at Harvard Medical School, in this article for Education Week.
An older child will probably have an easier time saying goodbye to you.
Younger kids—especially those who haven’t attended a preschool program—may have a tougher time saying goodbye in the morning (and we all know how hard it is to leave a tearful tot at drop-off). Giving your child more time to become independent may help her let go when it’s time for the school day to start. with the in-home model of learning most schools will use this year, it may be challenging to start a drop-off situation mid-year should children resume in-class learning.
Their fine motor skills will be more developed.
Older kids usually have an easier time with fine motor activities (holding a pencil and using scissors, for instance). Doing these things can help build confidence and make a kid more excited about their accomplishments at school.
They have more time to be kids; you have more time with them.
Waiting to start formal schooling gives kids more time to be kids, to enjoy a more leisurely day, and to play freely (which, studies have suggested may be more valuable than academics for young children). Delaying kindergarten also gives you one more year with your child. If you're lucky enough to be home with your kiddo, you'll be glad you got that time.
An older child may be taller than their classmates; that matters (especially in middle school).
You may not be thinking about the teen years yet, but let’s not forget: A child who is the oldest kid in kindergarten will also be the oldest in her middle school grade—and that’s no small thing, especially when puberty hits.
They may be bored (and consequently misbehave).
This study has suggested that kids who delayed kindergarten were twice as likely to drop out of high school. Researchers think this is because they reach adult age sooner, which is when kids are legally allowed to quit school on their own (most state laws require kids to stay in school until at least age 17).
That extra year may be expensive.
If you’re a working parent, delaying kindergarten means another year of paying for childcare or preschool. And, with the average cost of preschool as high as more than $10,000 per year in some states (according to this study from the Economic Policy Institute), it’s an expensive wait.
They may not find peers on their level (initially).
A year can make a big difference when you’re only still in your first decade of life. This means a calm, more introverted six-year-old may have trouble finding like-minded peers in a kindergarten class full of rowdy five-year-olds.
It may not matter in the long run.
Despite conflicting research and strong opinions on both sides, it is still unclear whether “redshirting” makes any difference in the long run. Some studies even suggest that, whether your child starts school a year early or a year late, it all levels out by the middle school years.
With all that information, you’re probably still wondering: What is the right age to start kindergarten? The answer: Both. It depends on the kid.
“Kids should be with developmental age peers as much as possible since kindergarten builds not just academics but social skills, too,” said Deanna Lapen, a Los Angeles-based school psychologist and former kindergarten teacher. “With that being said, every child is an individual. Parents should think about why they would consider redshirting.”
Lapen said parents should talk with their child’s preschool teacher (if applicable) as well as look at the kindergarten curriculum for whatever school their child might attend. Then ask: “Is the upcoming kindergarten class a place where the child will thrive socially and academically?”
If so, don’t delay. And, as always—trust your instincts.
Every school year, parents reach out to their children’s teachers to inquire about any number of things. Sometimes it’s over a concern over their child’s academic performance or a conflict between students. Other times, these questions for teachers can be a bit more invasive, like when a school parent demands to know why certain things are being taught, like in the recent instance of a small faction of parents getting upset over Michaelangelo’s statue of David being shown in the classroom. But for every one of these situations, there are a slew of other questions that teachers would love to hear from the parents of their students. We asked several current and former teachers what questions they would love to hear from parents, and here’s what they said.
“What are my students’ strengths in your classroom?”
Jessica Matoian, an 8th-grade social science teacher at Sequoia Middle School in the Fresno Unified School District, says she would love to hear this question from parents, along with questions about how they can help develop those strengths outside of the classroom. “I believe in a growth mindset in my classroom. If I can work with parents and guardians on developing their students’ strengths, instead of highlighting their weaknesses, I find students are willing to take ownership of their strengths and build on them on their own,” says Matoian.
“Is my child happy? What lights them up?”
Brooklyn-based Christina Soriano, who taught elementary school art, social and emotional wellness, and Kindergarten summer school from 2006 through 2022, says she never heard any parent ask this, but wishes she had. “These questions are important because they are child-centered and strengths-based. It’s sometimes second nature, or sometimes cultural, that we go straight to how to make a child ‘better’ in a subject. Of course, that is a main point of schooling and learning, but it’s equally important to know what makes a child excited and joyful during the school day,” she says.
“How can I help my child succeed in your classroom?”
Victoria Taylor, a teacher with 20 years of experience and founder of BestCaseParenting, says she appreciates when parents take an interest in their children’s work. “Simply asking about ongoing projects and assignments can be extremely helpful to students and teachers alike. I understand it’s a lot for busy parents to stay on top of everything, but small gestures such as sending in student supplies or helping their child stay organized can make a huge difference,” says Taylor.
The same goes for Christina Collura, a full-time kindergarten teacher, autism advocate, and mother of two. “I am a firm believer every child has strengths (and weaknesses), and building and teaching children based on those strengths are vital to forming and building on a successful learning path,” says Collura.
“What supplies or materials do you need restocked/refilled for the classroom?
Amanda Dexter, who has been teaching middle and high school for eight years in Missouri’s St. Joseph School District says she would like parents to inquire about supplies long after the school year has begun. “At the beginning of the year, classroom supplies are usually fully stocked, but come a few months later and we’ve run out of glue sticks, construction paper, whiteboard markers, Kleenex, disinfecting wipes, pencils, etc. You’d be amazed at how quickly a class can burn through what seems like ample supplies in the beginning,” says Dexter. “Usually it is up to the teacher to restock supplies out of their own pockets.”
“Are there any educational activities or resources you recommend?”
“Parents who ask this question are actively seeking ways to enrich their child’s learning experiences. As a teacher, I can suggest educational apps, websites, books, or hands-on activities that align with the curriculum and support their child’s interests and learning style,” says Donna Paul, a Montessori teacher turned blogger at That’s So Montessori.
“How can I help my child develop independence and life skills?”
This might not be a typical question asked by parents, but Paul, who has over 10 years of in-class Montessori elementary teaching experience, says those who do inquire about this recognize the importance of preparing their children for future success. “I can provide suggestions on age-appropriate tasks, organization strategies, and opportunities for problem-solving that empower children to become self-reliant and confident individuals,” she says.
While supporting a child’s education in the classroom is essential, Paul feels that parents should also look into how they can extend this into their homes. “By asking this question, parents show their commitment to their child’s education and seek guidance on how to extend learning beyond the classroom. As a teacher, I can provide valuable insights, resources, and strategies for creating a supportive learning environment at home,” she adds.
“What can I do to support my child’s social and emotional well-being?”
Nowadays, more parents and teachers are learning about the importance of social-emotional learning on top of academics. “Parents who ask this question demonstrate their understanding of the vital role social and emotional development plays in a child’s overall success. By seeking advice, parents can gain insights into how to foster healthy relationships, resilience, and emotional intelligence in their child’s everyday life,” says Paul.
“Does my child behave at school (and) are they respectful?”
Julie Navitka, a former middle school teacher (from 2008 through 2022) at Robert Andrews School in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, suggests parents ask this question to gain better insight into their child’s behavior. Why? While teachers will generally inform parents when their students are crossing the line with their behavior, it’s a good idea to check in with teachers to see if there are inklings of problematic behavior that can be addressed early on.
“Does my child get their work finished (and on time?)”
Navitka, who briefly taught high school and has since started blogging at Successfully Sustainable, also recommended this question. Questions for teachers like this can not only help prevent any academic slides but also potentially detect a larger issue if the student is having a lot of difficulty staying focused and completing tasks, such as a learning disability or a cognitive disorder like ADHD.
“Does my child distract others from their learning?”
While parents should always ask questions related to helping their own students, it doesn’t hurt to inquire about how they are ensuring the success of the entire classroom. “Teaching can be extremely stressful, and even though it’s not the only (or biggest) factor, dealing with unsupportive parents plays a role in this stress,” says Navitka. Being proactive in addressing issues like these can make difficult conversations about behavior issues smoother.
“How can I help contribute to the classroom?”
While donating supplies is always helpful, Birney Elementary School teacher Robert Garcia wishes parents would ask how they can help contribute to the classroom in other ways. “It could be volunteering, donating special incentives, or just making a guest appearance,” says the 6th-grade teacher who has taught in Fresno Unified School District for 29 years.
“What skills is my child struggling with that may not be covered in class?”
Eddie Maza, an 11th and 12th-grade English teacher at The Idea School, a private school in New Jersey, says it can often be difficult for teachers to address individual students’ needs at the beginning of the school year. “As a high school English teacher, I encountered students who required assistance with fundamental grammar issues. While I would have liked to provide them with additional support, the nature of teaching a large class made it challenging to offer supplementary content. By asking the teacher about specific areas that need improvement and how to develop those skills, you can create a plan to help your child catch up with the class,” says Maza.
“How can I support my child’s work without completing it for them?
According to Maza, “Parents naturally want to assist their children with school work, but it’s important to ensure that working through challenging assignments, collaborating with peers, and communicating with teachers remains part of the learning experience. Involvement from parents is valuable, but asking this question helps ensure that your efforts to support your child’s education do not deprive them of the essential learning experience.” Alternatively, he says parents can ask, “What are the objectives of this assignment?”
Your child says, “I’m hungry,” and you grab them a snack. They say “I’m bored,” and you find a way to entertain them. But when should the butler treatment end? When is it time to teach your child how to be self-sufficient and let them do things for themselves?
Believe it or not—now is as good a time as any! Your two-year-old can help you do the laundry; your 6-year-old can brush her teeth; and your 10-year-old can hang out alone at home while you walk the dog. And, no matter how desperately they cry, “Watch me!” young kids don’t always need you right there next to them (being just nearby is just fine).
“What you’re really trying to do is get the child to learn how to make decisions and take control over the things they can have control over,” said Dr. Michael Ungar, director of the Resilience Research Center and the author of We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. “What you really want is a child who can make a contribution to their family, who can navigate their community, who can problem solve.”
We created an age-by-age guide that ranges from letting your toddler help with household chores to giving your tween tech time to help you figure out the right time to give your kids that much-needed independence. Here’s what the experts say.
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 0 to 2
Don’t worry: You won’t need to start nudging your one-year-old out of the nest. According to Los Angeles child psychiatrist Patrick Kelly, it’s the opposite: the stronger the attachment between parents and their babies, the more comfortable those kids will be doing things independently as they grow. That said, there are a few “big kid” things your tiny tot can start learning at this age:
Feeding and Dressing Themselves – According to Los Angeles pediatrician Amin Davari, simple things like allowing older infants to feed themselves age-appropriate foods and letting young children dress themselves give kids “minor struggles and successes” that help them learn how to be self-sufficient and build skills and confidence.
Swim Lessons – The AAP recently changed its guidelines to say that kids should start swimming lessons at age one. Although swim lessons will never make a child “drown proof,” lessons between the ages of one to four years have been shown to reduce drowning risk, according to the AAP.
Sign Language – Just because your baby can’t talk doesn’t mean she’s not trying to tell you something. Advocates say teaching babies and toddlers basic signs (things like “eat,” “more” and “milk”) can increase confidence in both the kids and their caregivers, helping little ones who can’t yet speak get their needs met. Taking a class can mean a fun social outing for Mom or Dad—though you can also learn from home.
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 2 to 4
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At this age, kids are ready—and willing!—to take on some responsibility around the house. You’ll know the time is right when you see them start pretending to do grown-up things, like playing “family” or play-driving the car when they’re in the push car. Take advantage of this need now by giving them:
Simple Household Chores – Give them a broom or a dustpan, and let them help you sweep the kitchen floor. You’d be surprised how willingly kids this age will want to help you clean. If you’re lucky, the habit will continue into their later years. Other simple household chores suitable for two-to three-year-olds, according to The Montessori Notebook are:
Help pack their backpack
Brushing/feeding the dog (just let it go when they make a mess!)
Helping make the bed (at four, kids should be able to at least pull up a duvet by themselves)
Placing clothing in the laundry and pushing the buttons you point to
Solo Playtime – As long as you’ve created a safe space to play, at this age most kids are generally past the swallowing-small-objects phase and can happily play by themselves for 30 to 45 minutes at a time. If your child is reluctant to play alone, just agree to be nearby, but set up toys with which they can play solo.
“Reading” Time – Your child doesn’t need to know how to read to get lost in a world of books. Give kids a stack of picture books and let them have at it. If they want to hear stories read out loud—but you still want them to be on their own—we love the Yoto player, a simple speaker designed for kids ages three and up that allows kids to insert small cards to read popular stories aloud.
Pick What they Wear – Something as simple as choosing their clothes can make a child feel incredibly independent, says Dr. Ungar. “Three-year-olds can’t negotiate their bedtimes, but they can decide to wear green pajamas or blue pajamas. The trick seems to be to find these ways that the child can make a genuine contribution.”
Use a Balance Bike – Kids may not be ready for a two-wheeler at age two… but a balance bike is an easy go-to! “Once a child can confidently walk around the house, they can start walking with a balance bike between their legs,” says Schwinn spokesperson Ryan Berkicht. “This could be as soon as 18 months old for some kids.”
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 4 to 6
Gross motor skills are advancing quickly at this age, too, so your kids should be ready for fun things like climbing on a play structure (without you constantly spotting), and using the “big kid swing” all by themselves. And while these may seem like ordinary childhood milestones, all of these accomplishments help them learn how to be self-sufficient and instill huge amounts of confidence. So cheer your kids on as they:
Brush Their Teeth: While most dentists advise that you keep assisting with their pearly whites until age 7, your kids should know how to brush their teeth all on their teeth by age 5 or 6—with you nearby to make sure there’s actual brushing going on (as opposed to just holding the electric toothbrush in their mouths while the motor revs). A good compromise is to let your kids do the morning brush and you can brush their teeth in the evening.
Use a Microwave with Supervision – Not only does using the microwave buttons help reinforce number recognition, but it also makes kids feel like real big kids. Teach your kids what can and can’t go in the microwave, and let them push the buttons and press “start” all on their own.
Ride a Two-Wheeler – Sure, some kids are ready for a two-wheeler at three years old—and some five-year-olds want nothing to do with a bike—but experts say age 5 or 6 is a good target age for getting a kid on her first two-wheeler. If they’ve been riding a balance bike or a bike with training wheels, they should be able to transition easily.
Have Drop-Off Play Dates – According to the AAP, kids around ages 5 and 6 are developmentally ready to be dropped off for play dates. Got a child who’s nervous about it? It might help to have the playdates at your house, where you can step away—but not out.
Day Camp – Since this is the age when kids start preschool or kindergarten, they’re also usually ready for day camp at this age, too. If your kids don’t seem uber-enthusiastic about camp, try to keep the camp schedule similar to their school schedule (if your child attends a half-day school, for instance, start with a half-day camp).
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 6 to 8
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By this age, kids have started kindergarten and are usually happy to do anything that makes them feel grown-up and competent. So watch them closely for opportunities to teach them how to be self-sufficient—while also keeping them safe (for instance, let them ride a bike up and down your street, but make them wear a helmet). Here are some things kids are ready to do by this age:
Use a peeler to peel raw potatoes, ginger, mangoes, and other washed fruits and vegetables
Break eggs into a bowl (and remember to wash hands afterward)
Scoop out avocados after being sliced in half by an adult
Snap green beans
Shuck corn and rinse before cooking
Rinse and cut parsley or green onions with clean, blunt kitchen scissors
Take a Bath By Themselves – According to this article in the National Library of Medicine, most children can take a bath by themselves (i.e., without you sitting by the tub) by age 6. We recommend parents still stay within earshot and keep baths short enough that kids don’t get tired or rowdy in the bathtub by themselves.
Tie Their Shoes (with you supervising) – By age 6 or 7, most kids have the fine motor skills to attempt this surprisingly complex set of movements, according to Carolina Therapy Connection. You’ll know your child is ready to tie their shoes when they’re able to easily cut paper with scissors, string beads, or button and unbutton buttons.
Use a Computer to Browse the Internet – Experts recommend supervising children’s internet use at this age: If you’re not able to be there watching, you can use a filtering device like the Circle, which lets you dictate what apps and websites kids can and can’t visit online (as well as setting up bedtimes and screen time limits); or try a web filtering program like Microsoft Edge Kids Mode, which keeps your kids from seeing anything inappropriate online and lets you customize their web experience (it also prevents them from exiting the kid-safe browser to explore other apps on the computer).
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 8 to 10
Older kids are ready for adventure! Now’s the time to loosen the reins and let them chart their course a little bit. By this age, your child might be ready to:
Have a Sleepover – Around this age, they may be ready—as long as they can sleep through the night, no problem. That said, before you send your kids to another person’s home for the night, they must understand body boundaries and inappropriate touching. “I do think it’s a great time to start teaching kids about appropriate touches and that we’re the boss of our bodies and we’re the boss of our private parts,” writes child abuse prevention expert Pattie Fitzgerald. She also urged parents to talk to the host parents so they’ll know exactly who will be supervising and whether there will be older kids (such as teenage-aged siblings) or extended family in the home. The answer to these questions may well alter your decision to say “yes,” as parents should have a strong baseline of trust with the hosts.
Note: Some experts believe children (and their parents!) aren’t ready for sleepovers until the age of 10 and up.
Go to Overnight Camp – As long as your child can shower, doesn’t wet the bed, and has shown no problems spending the night at friends’ or relatives’ homes, they’re probably ready for sleepaway camp. While many overnight camps offer programs for kids as young as six or seven, the American Camp Association gives age nine as the target age for kids to start the summer camp journey. Some camps offer one-week “starter” programs for reluctant or nervous campers.
Walk to School by Themselves(Under Certain Conditions) – The AAP says elementary school-aged kids can walk to school by themselves, provided the walk is short, the neighborhood is safe, and there are school crossing guards stationed at any intersections. If there are non-guarded streets or you live in a city, waiting until age 12 is better.
Things Kids Can Do: Ages 10 and Up
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Tweens are all about breaking free and taking risks. Your job is to let them experiment with autonomy while still making sure they’ve got set limits to keep them safe. By age 10, kids can:
Be Left At Home for a Short Time – The laws vary on this, with some states like Oregon and Tennessee giving home-alone privileges to 10-year-olds and states like Colorado and Delaware saying 12 is a better age to start this. This Washington Post article gives state-by-state guidelines on the regulations, but it’s a good idea to check with your state’s Family or Child Services Department to be sure.
In any case, before you leave your kids home alone—even for a short time—it’s important that they know what to do in case of emergency and what your expectations are should unexpected things happen (like someone knocking on the door or a friend stopping by unannounced). The Department of Health and Human Services recommends that parents ask themselves these questions before leaving kids alone:
Is your child physically and mentally able to care for him or herself?
Does your child obey rules and make good decisions?
How does your child respond to unfamiliar or stressful situations?
Does your child feel comfortable or fearful about being home alone?
If you’re leaving for more than an hour, it’s best to wait to take your children. And experts say it’s not a good idea to let kids this age babysit younger children while no parents are home.
For more advice and tips, see this handout from the DHH.
Ride a Bike to School – It’s hard to find any specific laws about kids riding bikes to school, but the American Academy of Pediatrics says that by late elementary school, most kids can safely do this, provided the route is short and the roads safe. Before your child starts riding to school, make sure you practice the route with them (several times!) and go over what to do if unexpected things arise, such as a fall or a flat tire. If it makes you feel better, have your child wear a GPS watch or other tracking device to alert you when she gets to school safely.
Of course, you should always make sure your kids wear a good-fitting helmet and try to enlist a friend to ride along, to ensure both kids get there safely.
This is it. The bridge to the young adult years. Kids in this final stretch to the teens are longing to break free, so the trick is to let them feel independent and learn how to be self-sufficient while encouraging them to make responsible choices. Here are some things they’re ready to do now:
Have Their Own Cell Phone – While many argue that cell phones should wait until high school, middle schoolers can have a phone, provided it is monitored and filtered by the parents. Before you give your child a phone, have them sign a technology agreement that lays out the rules—for instance, no cell phones should be allowed in your child’s room overnight, and your child should know that you will read and monitor her messages. To keep your kids off inappropriate or dangerous apps and sites, use apps and programs like Screentime (for iPhones), Circle, or Securly.
Babysit Younger Children – There are no real legal restrictions for babysitting (except in states that have laws on when kids can be left alone), but the Red Cross doesn’t allow kids to take its babysitting course until age 11. By 12, kids should be able to babysit with a grown-up present in the house (or for short times when a grown-up leaves the house); by 14, they can usually babysit younger children on their own. When it comes to an older sibling watching the younger kids in the house, parents need to ask themselves whether their oldest is mature enough and responsible enough to handle the task. If there are any doubts, skip it.
Be Dropped Off in a Public Place with Friends – As long as your child agrees to stay with the group and you’ve talked about uncomfortable situations (if a stranger talks to them or if other kids are experimenting with drugs or alcohol), most experts agree that by middle school—or around age 13—kids can be dropped off at public place (like a movie theater or mall) for a few hours as long as they are in a group and you are leaving them in a safe location. This depends, of course, on your child’s level of maturity, your city’s crime rate, and whether you trust them to make good decisions.
Note: Check with your state laws before letting your teen go to certain places solo: Some states, such as Minnesota and Delaware, do not permit children under 16 to be in certain malls without adult supervision, according to this article.
Kids these days—if they aren’t calling you “bruh” or working on an aesthetic, they’re doing TikTok dances or using other Gen Z and Gen Alpha terms that mystify parents and adults. That brings us to a puzzling expression that’s all the rage right now: mewing. Not meowing—mewing. If you haven’t heard the term, it’s yet another in a long list of middle-school slang words that make no sense (to us anyway). Our favorite teacher in the trenches, Mr. Lindsay, recently took to TikTok to enlighten us old folks on what “mewing” means.
Turns out, it’s an exercise that allegedly helps you define your jawline or get rid of a double chin—simply, you put your tongue to the roof of your mouth and swallow. And, surprise, the American Association of Orthodontists debunked the trend, explaining that mewing doesn’t do much to change your jawline or chin, after all. Regardless, Gen Z and Gen Alpha kids have taken hold of the action and made it their own.
Now, they’re all ‘mewing’ at home and in the classroom. But… what’s the real reason they’re doing it? As Lindsay explains, “When you’re mewing, you can’t talk because you have your tongue on the roof of your mouth, and you’re swallowing. The trending part is when somebody comes up and asks you a question, particularly if it’s a teacher or a parent, and you don’t want to answer the question, you hit them with ‘mewing.’”
Kids will put a finger to their lips like they’re shushing someone, then run their finger along their jawline, which, according to Lindsay, is a sign the kid doesn’t want to answer your question. “I’m mewing; I’m working on my jawline. I’m doing my jawline exercises.” Lovely. This might also be followed by a good amount of laughter, as students (especially boys) take pleasure in confusing any and all clueless adults.
So how do you combat this annoying gesture? If you have kids mewing at you, give them a taste of their own medicine, and either try it out on them the next time they ask you a question or, as Lindsay suggests, say something along the lines of, “You can mew on your own time. Answer my question.”
Anyone who’s ever interacted with a middle schooler knows that those are just the weird years. Middle schoolers are riding a fine line between still being young enough to enjoy toys and snuggling up with their parents once in a while, and at the same time, establishing some independence, taking an interest in dating, and putting a ton of stock in being “cool.” Gabe Dannenbring, a middle school teacher on TikTok, is sharing videos of the hilariously random things he sees his students do to prove to their peers how “cool” they are, and as ridiculous as they are, they’re sure to bring a smile to your face.
“It’s not cool just to throw a piece of paper away normally,” Gabe explains. “You gotta do this instead.”
He then demonstrates zigging and zagging across the classroom like an NBA player on the basketball court before dramatically dunking the paper into the trash can. Naturally.
Next? “If you ever get new shoes, it is so uncool to crease your shoes,” he says. He then demonstrates how middle schoolers walk (waddle) with perfectly straight legs to avoid bending their feet and creasing their new shoes. It’s also uncool to wear a coat to school, so he recommends throwing your coat straight into the garbage. And when a middle schooler enters the classroom, it’s very uncool to just walk through the door. Instead, he says, the “cool” ones jump and tap the top of the door frame on their way in.
Finally, he says, “You should never greet your teacher with a, ‘Hi, good morning, or how are you doing?’ You should greet with this instead: ‘Yo, what’s up teach? Dab me up, bro. Yeah, dab me up, bro. Yeah, what’s up teach? What’s up?'”
We know you want what’s best for your budding scholar, but when it comes to your relationship with your child’s teacher, there’s a fine line between a healthy parent-teacher partnership and an overly demanding one. So how do you best keep the communication channels open without offending anyone? We asked teachers to tell us about the common passive-aggressive, condescending, or straight-up rude comments they’ve gotten from parents.
Here are some things to avoid saying during a parent-teacher chat so you don’t (even inadvertently) offend your most important academic ally:
1. “I need… [insert thing here]” – Michael W., third-grade teacher, Los Angeles, CA
“I need an independent study.” “I need my child to do his homework.” “I need my kid to focus better in class.” We know you need things. But so does your teacher! Stop telling your teacher what you need and think more about the teacher’s (and the class’s) needs.
Instead: Say: “Do you have any time to discuss independent study/homework demands/etc.?”
2. “My child never had this problem/did this thing/struggled in the past.”
-Michael W., third-grade teacher, Los Angeles, CA
The past is the past! When you complain your child has never struggled in the past, what your teacher hears is you think it’s somehow their fault.
Instead: Focus on the present and discuss your child’s current needs without comparing them to years past (unless you have pre-existing strategies to offer your teacher that might help).
3. “But he was fine in preschool.” or “He never did that in preschool.”
-Marni N., kindergarten teacher, Los Angeles, CA
Kindergarten isn’t preschool. There are new rules, changing routines, and a schedule that allows for a little less play and a little more learning—so don’t be surprised if your kid flounders a bit! Telling your kindergarten teacher that your child “didn’t do that in preschool” comes across as a passive-aggressive way of saying it’s the teacher’s fault.
4. (When discussing seeking help with extra support staff such as psychologists, behavioral specialists, OT/PT): “So what expertise do they have that you don’t?”
– Zak R., kindergarten teacher, Philadelphia, PA.
This sort of comment is best unsaid. You know what expertise a psychologist, occupational or speech therapist has—so asking your teacher to list those credentials is just “incredibly insulting.”
5. “Where did you go to college?”
-Pete S., eighth-grade teacher, Los Angeles, CA
It’s natural to wonder about your kids’ teacher, but asking this question (especially in a public setting) makes your teacher feel like you’re questioning their intelligence.
Instead: Read up on your teacher’s qualifications at the back-to-school night (teachers usually give a handout with background information), or do your own research. No matter what, rest assured that your teacher knows what they’re doing.
6. Asking your teacher for the opinions of other teachers
-Michael W., third-grade teacher, Los Angeles
A close-knit staff doesn’t want to get into the nitty-gritty with parents. “We are all colleagues, and yes, most of us know each other’s strengths and weaknesses, but that doesn’t mean we want to share that.”
7. “I know you’re very busy, but…”
Michael W., third-grade teacher, Los Angeles
If you know they’re very busy, don’t ask unless it’s important.
8. “My child isn’t being challenged in math, reading, etc.
Michael W., third-grade teacher, Los Angeles
Many teachers have classes of 20 to 30 kids of varying abilities—while they try their best, they can’t always tend to the needs of particular children (especially in elementary schools where they teach ALL subjects).
Instead: Add extra at home or via extra-curricular activities/tutoring. “It’s not that we don’t care, we’re just really crunched for time. To prepare and implement 4-6 different levels is not reasonable.”
9. “I just don’t understand why my child is struggling in your class.”
-Anne V., second-grade teacher, Los Angeles, CA
This only makes teachers feel like you think they’re the reason your child is struggling.
Instead: Ask, “What do you think my child needs?” Then work with your teacher to help your child thrive.
10. “Do you have kids?”
-Madison S., fourth-grade teacher, Georgetown, SC
“In a normal conversation, I wouldn’t mind being asked if I have kids,” says Madison, “but if I’m trying to talk discipline with a parent and they ask that, then I’m offended as if they think I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Instead: Just don’t.
11. “I’m not telling you how to do your job, but…”
-Amanda J., fifth-grade teacher, Georgetown, SC
But you just did.
Instead: Let your teacher do her job, and only offer to help if you think she needs it.
12. “Teaching is a noble profession.”
-Steve, fourth-grade teacher, Nassau County, New York.
“You’re saying the job sucks, and you make no money, and you get no respect from people,” he said.
Instead: Just say thanks.
13. ” I could never do what you do!”
-Melanie, high school teacher, Nassau County, NY
“That’s not really what they mean. They mean they’d never want to.”
Instead: Just say thanks.
14. “What did you want to do before you became a teacher?”
—Dan, high school teacher, Nassau County, NY
This suggests that being a teacher is a backup or that you think they should do something else.
Instead: Just don’t.
15.“My child said you didn’t teach the topics covered on the test.”
-Joe, high school teacher, Nassau County, NY
Give your teacher some credit and assume that everything on any test was taught at some point.
Instead: Ask the teacher how your child can better prepare for the next test.
16. “By the time my son gets all his work done for his important core classes, he’s too tired to do the work for yours. I’m sure you understand.”
-Kathryn, high school teacher, Nassau County, NY
You just called that teacher’s class “unimportant.”
Instead: Work with your child on figuring out how to get all the work done.
17. Talking about your child’s “giftedness” in front of other parents.
-Pete S., eighth-grade teacher, Los Angeles
If parents have questions about supporting their “gifted” child, they need to talk about it privately. “’My child is doing calculus in middle school; how will you make this class challenging for him/her/them?’ is an annoying and isolating question for other families in a group setting, and it also communicates to the teacher that parents don’t think the teacher is up to the challenge of teaching that student,” says Pete.
Instead: Address your concerns in an e-mail.
18. Going to the principal (or social media) before talking to the teacher about an issue.
-Amanda J., fifth-grade teacher, Georgetown, SC
“There are plenty of times when simply letting me know about something is all it takes to handle it. Similarly, if/when parents post complaints on social media without communicating directly with the teacher,” says Amanda.
Here are general phrases to avoid during a parent-teacher chat that can come off as critical, accusatory, or condescending:
“I’m not sure if you’re aware, but...” This is a backward way of saying that you think your teacher is slacking—or of making you feel better about being the whistleblower. Instead, be direct and express your concerns about the issue straight up. (I.e., My child said so-and-so bullied him in class. Can you help me get to the bottom of this?”)
“I’m sure you’re just having a bad day, but…” This automatically makes someone feel like you’re about to insult them because it’s usually followed by a negative comment.
“I’m not trying to be difficult, but…” This opening may put the teacher on guard (or make her think you are being difficult.). Just say what you want to say directly.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” – Despite your warning, whatever you’re going to say will likely be taken the wrong way (or you wouldn’t preface it as such). So say it differently.
Here are examples of more direct and assertive phrases:
“I’m wondering if you could tell me how my child is doing.”
“I’d love to know how to support my child at home.”
“I’d like to schedule a meeting to discuss my child’s progress.”
