Here’s an idea. Make it easy on yourselves and skip the usual flowers, cards, chocolates and lunch this Mother’s Day. Instead, pick the perfect present from the list of ideas below. From a real bathroom break to not cleaning a single thing all day, we’ve got what moms really want for Mother’s Day. Scroll down for the goods (and a laugh or two).

1. Private bathroom breaks all day long.

RW Studios via Unsplash

No one is allowed in the potty when mom is going. Even if she’s in there for a long, long time. No cheating by yelling through the door to ask what she’s doing in there. That’s just bad manners, and your mother taught you better than that. Anyway, it’s Mother’s Day, so she doesn’t have to answer.

2. A full day of clothing compliance.

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Mom picks the outfit, the children wear it. No questions asked. No temper tantrums. No complaints about itchy sweaters, tight sleeves, uncomfortable waistbands, hating jeans/dresses/socks/boots/fill-in-the-blank. The kids just wear the clothes with a smile. Ahhh…a gal can dream, right?!

3. Every child grooms him or herself all day.

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Imagine a 24-hour period of time where mommy doesn’t have to help blow noses, wipe one tush, or brush one head of hair. It could happen!

4. A one-day pass from cleaning the house (Yes, that includes the kitchen.).

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She will not be making beds, picking up clothes off of the floor, and no, honey, she doesn’t think it would be a great idea to have your whole family over for a Mother’s Day brunch unless you’re planning to cook and clean up the whole thing by yourself. OK? Love ya!!

5. 24-hour remote control.

JESSSHOOTS.com via Unsplash

Say so long to Paw Patrol and Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood. Mama’s playing couch commando today, and she’s headed over to BRAVO to see her friends the Real Housewives. Back-to-back hours of catty bickering between grown women. Sounds marvelous!

6. An entire afternoon of silence.

All Go via Unsplash

There will be no arguing, fighting, bickering, nagging or whining for one whole afternoon (we'd settle for one hour...or even five minutes!). The only noise will be the sound of mom sipping her wine while watching Netflix on the device of her choice, turning pages of an actual book, or taking a long, uninterrupted nap.

7. To hear two simple words.

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Thank. You. That's it. Letting mom know she's appreciated goes a long, long way. Psst! A hug makes it feel even more special.

 

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Photo: Ali Flynn

I wonder if this mama knew how much these little girls loved her.

I wonder if she realized how much comfort they felt nuzzling into her arms and feeling her heartbeat.

I wonder if she ever knew how much they loved their daily dance parties.

I wonder if she knew, how each time she entered the room, they filled up with joy and peace washed over them.

Looking back now, there is so much I didn’t know.

There is so much I missed out on, thinking I wasn’t a good enough mama.

There is so much I second-guessed about my decisions and how I was parenting.

But one thing I did know, the love I had for them was magical.

I loved these girls fiercely.

I loved them with an intensity that even scared me sometimes.

I loved them with my full heart-piercing my soul.

And you know what, my friends, the love for these girls is still just as intense.

They may be teenagers now but some things will forever remain the same.

The bond and the love between a mother and a child rise above all else.

So as I lay in bed, attempting to fall asleep, I recall my daughter’s sweet words reassuring me of all I have done right in this world. A simple moment, a simple phrase, locked in my brain and one she probably wouldn’t think twice about.

A simple remark, “They don’t talk for hours like us, Mom.”

And with that one sentence, all of my worries and anxieties began to fall away and room was made for glorious dreams to swirl around in my head, rather than the nagging thoughts of all I need to improve upon.

So mamas, if we just listen to what our kiddos are saying each day, we are bound to find the little reassurances that our presence means the world to our children.

It may be simple.

It may be one sentence.

But let it fill you up and value their words, for their words are truth.

 

 

Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom  and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.

Ah, Unwanted Advice

Photo: Catherine Myman Kaplan

Ah unwanted but good intentioned advice, the bane of every parents’ existence. From the family member who lets you know that in her day children were much better behaved than they are now to the random parent at the park who launches into the evils of prepackaged food when he notices you hand your child a snack, everyone seems to know how to parent your child better. 

It is challenging enough to navigate the ups and downs of parenting without feeling like you’re not only doing your child some irreparable harm by letting them start school without taking a first day photo next to a customized chalkboard or nagging them to just brush their teeth for the love of everything holy without somehow disappointing the well-meaning stranger on the airplane. 

Sometimes it takes every bit of will-power not to offer a snarky response or to growl that you are doing the very best you can. And in the end, that is all any of can do. The very best we can. No matter what the lady at the grocery store thinks.

Catherine Myman Kaplan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Catherine lives with her husband, two daughters, and rescue dog. She can usually be found reading, compulsively volunteering at her daughters' schools, or glaring at an ever growing mountain of laundry. 

Photo: istock

Starting right now, I vow to love myself for all that I am, and for all that I am not. We pay a lot of lip service about embracing our flaws. “I love you warts and all,” is a consistent mantra. But somehow, societal pressures make us think that we’re not good enough to exist in the world. We all know that models’ pictures and gorgeous people’s Instagram photos don’t represent the average person. Still, those pictures make so many of us feel bad about ourselves. Why can’t we lose weight? Why can’t we properly apply makeup? Why can’t we look super cute in an adorable outfit? 

It’s not just about looks anymore. Pinterest makes everything look easy. Spectacularly organized homes and sparkling clean countertops have turned into emotional triggers. What’s actually in that “important paper pile” gathering dust on my countertop? Why haven’t I thrown out the bananas with the fruit flies congregating around them? Oh yeah, because I intended to use said bananas for my Pinterest-worthy banana bread that I’ll never make.

Seeing little girls with bows in their hair while my child’s curly locks are a tangled mess have compelled me to pull out the detangling spray and curl cream. DIY ventures look so easy but often prove to be exhausting and difficult for the amateur. When do we say, “I’ve had enough?” When do we realize that internet pictures are fun to look at, but we can’t beat ourselves up for being unable to replicate them? For me, that realization is right now. And I am okay with that.

The truth is, I’m constantly exhausted. As a single mom of three children who battles several autoimmune diseases, I’ve finally accepted my limitations. I can’t do it all. Actually, I can’t do most of it. Some days, I have to pat myself on the back because everyone is alive and in the house. My love and presence is everything to my children and I’ve learned that’s all they really need. Exhausted and wearing the same t-shirt and black leggings for the third consecutive day doesn’t affect my kids. When I make a frozen pizza for dinner instead of the stirfry I promised to whip up, at least my children are fed. When I pick my kids up from an activity wearing a hat to cover my greasy hair, at least they have a caring parent to pick them up. I know I’ve set the bar pretty low, but at least I can meet my goals. 

We can’t be everything to everyone. I’m never going to be a fabulous DIY mom and my house isn’t ever going to be decluttered. I’m always going to be a mom who shows up for my kids and who my kids can count on. There’s always going to be those who are judgy or who are downright haters. We have to be okay with that in order to live our best lives. Often, our inner voice is our harshest critic. Those nagging thoughts drag us down on an hourly basis. Do we really deserve to be miserable because we haven’t yet achieved a certain income, weight, relationship status or job? Can we accept some things as okay for right now and others as okay for always? 

Starting right now, I vow to be my own best friend instead of my own worst enemy. I’m going to embrace my authenticity—all of my quirks, flaws, and limitations are all part of who I am. Mommy is a person who is amazing just as she is. Authenticity is beautiful.

This post originally appeared on Fairygodboss.com.

I’m an author, attorney, adjunct professor, and college application coach. I’m an autoimmune warrior and a mother of three. I enjoy using both sides of my brain and have recreated myself many times to  work around my growing kids’ schedules. I share stories from all facets of my life. 

After weeks at home, the days are starting to blur together. Abundant family time is beautiful and challenging. Can you relate?

I’m moving more slowly. No need to rush, no hurry. Life has become relatively simple. I’ve been doing plenty of rolling around on the floor with my 6-month-old. We listen to the birds, gaze at the trees, watch for butterflies. My mind wanders.

Part of me feels guilty. An inner voice admonishes, “Stop being lazy, you should be making progress, get back to doing (fill in the blank).”

“Shhh!” I respond to that nagging voice. “Be quiet, I’m daydreaming!”

I’ve learned from experience that this slowing down is valuable, it’s prime time for letting the dreams flow. This is where the magic happens. We have been gifted a mindfulness pause. We have an opportunity to go slower and explore our wild ideas; to visualize a new future. This unusual time may allow us to reconnect with our imaginations, individually and as families. Daydreamers aren’t limited by geographic restrictions, we can go anywhere!

“Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere,” said Einstein.

Our family business began as a daydream over a decade ago. Just prior to rolling up our sleeves and building our jungle lodge, we embarked on a two-month kayaking adventure on Baja’s Sea of Cortez. My father, brother, and I spent 8-to-10 hours a day paddling on a journey of nearly 1000 miles of wilderness. Though our arms moved rhythmically and our bodies were confined to the kayaks, our minds were free to roam.

We had an abundance of family time. As we paddled hundreds of miles of pristine coastline, I unleashed my daydreams, opened to vast possibilities. I lost myself in the peaceful dance of the water currents and ripples. With each mile of coastline, our eco-lodge dream morphed. “Questions and answers shot through my head like arrows. Some hit the target, others missed by a mile. Bull’s-eyes were collected and safeguarded in my mind.” My brother became my devil’s advocate; poking holes in my wild ideas, ultimately making our shared vision stronger.

With this abundance of time at home, why not open our minds and teach our kids the power of daydreams? So many children are told to get their heads out the clouds. Now is an ideal time to rewire that thinking.

Why is it that daydreamers have gotten a bad rap, while visionaries are celebrated? Visionaries like Yvon Chouinard (Patagonia founder) or Steve Jobs (Apple co-founder) were daydreamers long before they took action. Einstein was a classic daydreamer, yet consider all that he achieved! Daydreaming is an essential prerequisite to action.

Let’s take this opportunity to pause, surrender to our daydreams, and see where they take us—as parents and as children. May the family daydreams flow! Be realistic (we are all beholden to the laws of gravity), but don’t hold back.

As we unleash our daydreams, may we have the strength and courage to embrace inevitable change, transition, and whatever comes next. We will boldly reach for the next trapeze bar of life.

“Sometimes, I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments, I’m hurdling across space between the trapeze bars. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on unseen rocks in the bottomless basin between the bars. But I do it anyway. I must. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn to fly.” Danaan Parry

 

Known as “The Jungle Mama”, Tamara Jacobi is the author of Wildpreneurs:A Guide for Turning Passion into Business (HarperCollins Leadership, Feb. 2020) and founder of the Tailwind Jungle Lodge on the Mexican Pacific. Tamara is loving the adventure of motherhood! Her son Zephyr was born on Oct, 2019. 

Conflict in marriage can start in many ways, but unhappy compromises can be the most damaging. The ones that occur when one person needs something, and they don’t get it. What’s interesting is that, in marriage, I have found that many spouses avoid asking for what they need and then they are left unmet and unfulfilled.

A lot of us are scared of pressing our partners for something we need if we think they will fail to grant it, or worse, will make us feel bad for needing it in the first place. Sometimes we fear this because what we need means they have to do something different; they have to give something for us to get something. So, we take our need and pack it up in a neat little box and tuck it somewhere deep inside. It stays hidden, but without fail, it creates resentment. And it hurts. Even if we ignore it for a while, it pokes and scrapes at us from time to time. We hoped it would go away, dissolve into nothing so it would stop scratching at the door of our hearts, begging for attention we can’t give. But it doesn’t. We deal with the discomfort out of fear that setting it free and diving into it like a swimming pool on a hot summer day will drive an even larger wedge into our relationship.

My husband quotes something I said during our second year of marriage over a disagreement I don’t remember now. But he brings it up as a truth that sank deep inside him that day. “I will not be a passenger in my own life.” It probably had to do with which blinds to order for the kitchen or what color car to buy. I can be dramatic like that. But the truth in the statement displays how easily we can begin to feel like we have to take a backseat to our partner’s wants and needs.

When we fail to make our needs a priority, we become a servant to theirs. Sometimes our needs align, but most of the time, they fall on opposite ends of the spectrum, and we are in a continual state of give-and-take. The tricky thing, though, is that give-and-take can often turn into a tug-of-war, and then no one gets what they need.

For example, when our two oldest kids were two and four years old, I was a stay-at-home mom, who also worked part-time, and I was drowning. Growing up, vacations at my friends’ cabin were some of my favorite memories. Those hot summer days by the lake and nights at the campfire sunk into my bones. I wanted that again. I needed a break with my family to rejuvenate and catch my breath. I brought up renting a cabin and getting away for a week to my husband several times, thinking the more I talked about it, the more he would understand how important it was to me. My repetitive comments became a nagging annoyance to him, making him wonder why I couldn’t respect the fact he didn’t want to do it. I became so frustrated that I made a decision; I would not be a passenger in my own life. Being respectful of a budget, I booked three days at a cabin and told him that I hoped he would join us. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be mad, but this was very important to me.

Of course, I hoped my husband would come, but I was prepared to go alone. In the end, we all drove out to a little resort in Brainerd. We fished and swam and played. The kids ran in the rain, and we bought souvenirs in a quaint little town. We nibbled fresh-fried donuts every morning at the general store across the street. We had the best time. When we got home, my husband said, “So I think next year we can stay somewhere a little nicer. I’ll start looking around.” I smiled at the lovely surprise. For the next few years we spent summers renting cabins, and just recently was able to purchase our own. My husband proved as giddy as a schoolchild the day we closed, a joy sparked by a trip he never wanted to take. I wonder how our life would be different if I had never made my need known and insisted on meeting it, and if he had never come along for the ride.

That was the first of many times we have had to weigh our own needs alongside the other persons. It doesn’t always work out perfectly. I have put myself aside to be there for him, as often as he has done the same for me. We do our best.

In marriage, just like in life, we can’t always get what we want. And just because we want something doesn’t mean it’s what we need. But when we need something, it is essential to make sure our needs are met. If our needs are not actualized or even acknowledged, it creates a lot of other conflicts that eventually will erode the relationship. The important thing is to uncover your needs and see how they can be met, separately or together.

Krissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair. 

There are numerous behavior systems and methods of parenting out there—just take a peek at Pinterest under “Parenting.” While these long-term systems and techniques generally provide some manner of relief in the long-run, sometimes you just need an in-the-trenches, how-the-heck-do-I-handle-this-right-now solution. Here are five tried-and-true methods for stopping that behavior in its tracks.

1. The Whisper. Tired of yelling, especially when nobody is listening?

How it works: Instead of yelling your next instruction or correction, try whispering it. You’ll have to get in their space and on their level to make this one work—which is part of the reason why it works so well. That momentary connection is sometimes all it takes.

Remind them that if they want to say something back, they’re in a whisper-only zone. Before you know it, those grumps will change right into giggles.

2. The Secret Code. The no-nag, embarrassment-proof method to calm.

How it works: When everyone is in a good mood, have a discussion about a secret word that you can say when a behavior needs to be changed. This way, instead of nagging, all you have to do is say the secret code word when behavior is starting to go astray.

This works especially well for kids who don’t do well with being called out in front of peers (#everyone), anxious kiddos, and for behaviors that aren’t necessarily on purpose (maybe you notice someone has hurt feelings, but nobody else has noticed). It also teaches kids self-reflection, as they are the ones who have to identify the behavior that needs stopping.

3. The Show Them Where You Need Them. This works best for visual learners.

How it works: Kids are in loud, hyped-up scenarios all.the.time. Telling a kid they are being loud doesn’t necessarily mean anything to them. Try showing them with your hands. Raising your hands above your head, say “you are up here,” then lower your hands to shoulder, chest or hip level and say “and I need you down here.” This is a visual reminder of exactly how loud they are being, and how much quieter you need them.

Full disclosure: I stole this one from our foster care case manager/trainer. Thanks, Aaron!

4. The Interrogation. So many needs, so little time.

How it works: Remember that last time you were hangry in a work meeting, and every idea seemed awful, or every comment seemed critical? That happens to kids on the regular. The next time they are acting up, try asking a series of rapid-fire questions.

“Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired? Do you need something?”

Usually they get annoyed and say no to everything…until they stop themselves and say “yes! I AM hungry.” Talk about that poor behavior over a snack, once everyone is feeling a little less monstrous.

5. The Countdown. This isn’t your Grandma’s counting to three.

How it works: Start at twenty and count down toward zero. If they get to zero, they get a consequence.

Counting is a cue that an unwanted behavior needs to stop. But it puts kids in control in a small, simple way. They decide when to stop. It’s a tiny risk-reward scenario (i.e. Can I stop before mom gets to zero? What if I don’t?) that happens each and every time you count. Even more importantly, it gives the counter something to focus on other than the behavior. Remember that technique of counting to ten when you’re mad? It’s built-in!

Note: if hours have passed since the last countdown, go ahead and start back at twenty. But if it is a series of events in rapid succession, pick up right where you left off, whether 13, 9 or 2. They have less than twenty seconds, but it signals to them that the behavior is continuing, and they aren’t doing a good job addressing it.

Eileen Manes is a writer for kids, a five-going-on-fifteen-year-old wrangler, a reader, a Lego aficionado and a fuzzy puppy lover. If she's not reading, writing or revising, you'll find her procrastinating by redesigning her blog (or living room), hiking or Zumba-ing. But definitely not doing laundry. 

Photo: Fit Learning

As the new school year rapidly approaches, we scour the internet for the latest Back-to-School Tips hoping to ensure our children not only survive this next year but actually thrive. There are many tips floating around cyberspace, but as a learning scientist, here are a few that I have to offer. And yes! There is an entire field devoted to the scientific understanding of human learning! It does actually exist! Although not well known and certainly not recognized by the educational establishment, we are out there and have a lot to offer in terms of designing learning environments to promote long-term academic and personal success with every kind of student.

1. Grades do not necessarily reflect mastery of skills and content. As parents, we dream of our children being straight “A” students. However, an “A” is actually not a reliable measure of learning. Grades and other measures traditionally used in education do not stem from the science of learning. As such, these do not reflect empirically validated measures that actually predict important characteristics of mastery such as neurological permanence (i.e., memory), increased attention span, and the ability to use previously mastered skills for the effortless and successful learning of more complex things.

For the next school year, rather than exclusively focusing on your child’s grades, try focusing on the manner in which your child studies. Our science indicates that repeated rehearsal (or practice!) of small amounts of information over time produces permanent learning….not grades. Help your child create flashcards and study small bits of material each night rather than cramming the night before a test. Not only will your child be more likely to get that “A”, but they will also permanently learn the material.

2. Science has discovered that time is a critical variable in how learning should be measured. Accuracy alone is not enough to produce permanent learning outcomes. Our science has discovered that fluency—a measure that combines accuracy and speed—is the most reliable measure of learning and predicts permanent learning outcomes. In other words, it is when skills are fluent that they are remembered, resistant to distractions and fatigue, and usable for learning new things.

For the next school year, invest in a timer. As your child is rehearsing small bits of material each night, they should time themselves or be timed by someone else during that practice where the number of correct and incorrect answers per minute can be measured. Using a timer not only establishes a clear beginning and end to each practice opportunity, but it also allows you and your child to set “Personal Best Goals” each time practice occurs.

For example, if your child was able to correctly recall 7 definitions per minute during the previous practice timing, they should try to achieve a “Personal Best” (or PB) by beating that score and achieving 8 or more correct definitions per minute during the next practice timing. This way, practice becomes something that is measurable, goals can be established and achieved, and above all else, practice becomes fun! Setting up goal-oriented, fast-paced practice sessions increases focus, trains perseverance, and ensures that your child permanently learns the material while also having a bit of fun in the process.

3. Timers are also invaluable for homework time, which can be a very stressful, unpleasant part of the day. More often than not, it reflects “a gray” period of the day, where your child works a little, stares into space a little, daydreams a little, and periodically checks their phone a little. Parents often find themselves continuously nagging their children to get the homework done. Homework then takes a long time to complete.

For the next school year, separate the “gray” into “black” and “white” by using a homework timer. Set the timer for 15-to-20 minutes and tell your child that until the timer goes off, it is 100% homework time where they must continuously work. At the end of the time period, they should be encouraged to take a short break to check their phone, stretch, get a drink or snack, and stretch their legs. If you catch your child staring into space or checking their phone during the time period, restart the timer. Being strong and structured with homework time will help your child learn effective, efficient, independent study habits and will remove the need for incessant nagging.

The tips I have offered above can be profoundly effective. But know that no number of tips or suggestions can make a difference if your child simply hasn’t mastered the skills required to do their assignments. Students move to the next grade level based on age, not on the mastery of skills. Unfortunately, many students are pushed through a curriculum before they should be, and the result can be tragic. If your child is struggling to complete assignments, or if your teacher suggests that your child be evaluated for a learning disability, check their component skills first.

More often than not, learning issues are the result of a lack of basic skill mastery. If your child is struggling with reading, use the timer to see how many words your child can read per minute. If your child is reading less than 80 words per minute at the end of 1st grade, they need some fluency building in reading. If your child is struggling with math, use the timer and see how many math facts they can complete in a minute. If your child performs less than 40 math facts per minute, they need fluency building in basic math skills.

Before going down the road of evaluations and senseless labels, find a way of getting your child repeated, reinforced practice of basic skills so they can achieve fluency– automatic, effortless performance that ensures long-term memory, increased attention span, and the ability to learn more complex things.  It is this kind of mastery that produces long-term academic and personal success.

Kimberly Berens, Ph.D. is the Founder of Fit Learning and Regional Director of Fit Learning Tri-State. For 20 years, Dr. Berens and her team have been developing and refining a powerful system of instruction based on the learning, behavioral and cognitive sciences. This system consistently produces over one year’s growth in 40 hours of instruction.

The idea of not being married to your soon-to-be-ex may seem really appealing right now. No more nagging, escaping the never-ending criticism, and finally being able to live on your own terms again. You can now parent the way you want to parent without being criticized for the fact that your daughter’s pigtails are not exactly parallel. This all sounds wonderful and so freeing. Right?  

You might think that only a few things, in reality, would change. There might already be no family time—and lately, the two of you have been sleeping in separate rooms anyway. While there may be moments in your current married life that are less than blissful, the reality is you have a partner, even if you feel as if that partnership is not as wonderful or equal as it used to be. Therefore, before you make an appointment with a divorce lawyer, I urge you to step through the sliding glass doors and truly envision what your life is going to look like when you are on your own but still responsible for all you created while you were married.  

An Alternate Universe
Now you are standing on the outside, and you are looking in. Every time you are with your children now, you are on your own, or you are still dependent on someone helping you out? But now you are not only funding your own (and maybe your ex’s) lifestyle; you are also paying for a nanny or a babysitter. Your life is extra complicated, and are literally tasked with dealing with all the drama while still trying to get your presentation ready for work. The idyllic single life this is not. You will be the sole runner in a race that feels like an ultra-marathon most days.   

What Is Harder, Marriage or Divorce?
This is truly the loaded question. Trusting your instincts is necessary. If there are any feelings or reasons why you might decide that divorce is not the best option, then you need to listen. This is your gut telling you what to do. As you start to figure out which way to go at this fork in the road, I want you to think about factors that are bigger than you alone.

• How are your children going to deal with this major life change?  • How will you manage without the support of the person who has been there with you—through good times, as well as bad?  • What are your true feelings about being single? • Is your divorce going to change your career trajectory or your ability to make (and keep) money? What do your finances look like, and how will this potentially change if you are supporting two households? • What lifestyle changes could occur? • Do you anticipate a big fight with your spouse over assets and property? • And seriously, how is your mental and physical health (because they will be impacted as well)?  You absolutely must answer these questions honestly and examine your feelings regarding your truthful responses to such queries before you go home and tell your spouse, “I want a divorce.”  

Some Tough Questions to Ponder
Here are some questions you should also think about as you look to make an educated and rational decision regarding divorce: • Have you tried to speak with your spouse about your feelings? Have you had an honest heart-to-heart about the issues you are facing as a couple? If so, what was the outcome? • Have you tried marriage counseling? • Have the two of you tried to identify and isolate the problems inside your relationship? • Do you have the ability to openly communicate with each other without nagging, arguing, or even talking over the other one? • Are you willing to compromise?   Think about these lines of thought: • Are you going to miss your kids if you do not see them every day? • Do you feel confident that during your parenting time you could be the sole parent caring for your children’s daily needs? This affects not only your life but your children’s lives as well, so answer honestly. • How are your kids going to handle being shuttled between two households with different parenting schedules and styles? • What lifestyle changes are you willing to make?   

Keep in mind paying for two households is much more expensive than one. Getting divorced is costly. If your situation is financially challenged right now, expect to tighten your belt even more. To summarize, weighing all possible options is imperative when considering divorce. And you must do this before you decide to pull the trigger and tell your spouse.

Jacqueline Newman is a divorce lawyer and matrimonial law expert. As managing partner of a top-tier 5th Avenue Manhattan law firm focused exclusively on divorce, her practice runs the gamut from prenups for high net worth people contemplating marriage to high conflict matrimonial litigation in dissolutions. 

Saying sorry is something I’ve made a conscious effort to do more of with my kids because it helps repair the connection with them when something has happened to break it, like me nagging or getting cross at them for something they’ve done. It also role models values that are important to me, humility, self-awareness, taking responsibility and kindness.

So when my kids say sorry, I feel good. I feel they are growing, that I’m being a good dad. But recently my kids told my wife that they don’t see the point in apologizing to me, because I don’t listen. This was hard for me to hear, so I asked them about it.

“As soon as I’ve said sorry, you always bring up what I did wrong.”

I thought for a few moments and realized they were right. I do. I realized I normally say something like “Thank you for saying sorry. You understand why it’s not okay to…” I realized I did this because I want to use that moment as an opportunity for them to learn. But I wasn’t timing it right.

Saying sorry is hard.

It’s hard for grown-ups to say, and we’ve probably said it thousands of times. So for a child, it’s even harder. When someone says sorry, the very act of doing it brings a sense of relief. Saying sorry properly is something you can only really do when you’ve worked through the guilt, frustration and often shame. Being and saying sorry in itself takes work.

When I take them back to the moments they are apologizing for, in pursuit oof learning, it squashes that relief and takes them back to the place of guilt, frustration with themselves and, probably, shame. The very place they had worked through to get to sorry.

Instead of helping them learn, I was doing the opposite.

My reaction is the result of not really thinking from their perspective, all it does is take them backwards, not forwards. My thinking is too short term. I wasn’t recognizing the need to separate sorry out from learning how to avoid the situation that led to sorry in the first place. They are two things, that need to be addressed separately, not bundled into one.

Yes, I want them to learn from their mistakes, but that can only happen when they are ready. Doing the hard work of getting through guilt, frustration and shame needs to be recognized. Only once that’s done, and they have some distance from the event itself, can they learn from it.

Helping them learn from their mistake is something that can happen later, in a conversation when the emotions from that moment have gone, when they aren’t raw anymore. Then they can look at it with a clearer head.

Now, well, mostly now, I just say “Thank you for saying sorry.” Then start the conversation about the mistake later. So I wasn’t as good a dad as I thought at the time, but now I’m a bit better than I was.

This post originally appeared on BeingDads.

David Willans is a dad to two boys (7 and 9). In 2014 he caught himself being an angry dad, so he set out to work out and master what it means to be a great dad. His blog, BeingDads, documents what he's learning and shares stories from other dads.