neural-pathways Archives

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We all want our kids to be successful—to be a leap ahead. Not ahead of every other kid, necessarily, but to their full potential.

So, how do we do it? And how do we achieve it (even more importantly) without making them stressed-out and overwhelmed in the process?

First, get a grip on your parenting goals and philosophy.

Is my goal to have my daughters be doctors like me? Why? Because that sounds successful? Not a good enough reason. Is my number one focus for them to be accepted into some highly-acclaimed academic institution? For what purpose? I have to check in with myself about my own motivations.

Instead, I try to make it my goal to raise daughters who 1) are well-adjusted, self-sufficient, confident adults; 2) who love what they do-no matter what that is; and 3) who understand that they have to work hard to achieve their dreams. That is the REAL measure of success.

Allow time for imaginative play to foster a love of learning.

Just because I’m not gunning for Ivy-League admittance for my kids (not that it would be bad if they ended up there, it just isn’t my focus), it doesn’t mean I don’t look for educational opportunities every day. In fact, I do a lot of that.

But my main goal with the activities is that my kids totally nerd out on whatever it is that THEY think is really cool, even if it’s not in my interest area. I also make sure that they have plenty of free time to play without structure.

For example, my almost-four-year-old is on a Julia Child kick these days. We stumbled upon some old In Julia’s Kitchen With Master Chefs episodes and she was hooked after one show. I noticed that, soon after she started watching, she asked me to pull out ingredients from the cupboard and began making little concoctions with them.

At first, I asked if she was interested in an Easy Bake Oven, or some other way to actually cook food but she looked at me, appalled, when I suggested it. “Mommy, these are experiments, NOT meals.”

No problem, kiddo.

She then proceeded to narrate her addition of the baking soda to the vinegar (“Ooh, look how it bubbles! It’s making a frothy foam”) and every single other ingredient she added in. She sounded like she was a cooking show host but, apparently, she imagined she was the star of a fancy chemistry presentation.

The counters were a mess. We probably wasted $20 in flour and salt, but she was so content as her little imagination soared. The next time we were at the library, she wanted to know if there were books about other types of mixtures—paints, dirt and water, other types of foods. It was a little magical.

Provide age-appropriate learning opportunities that allow kids to build competence and confidence—but don’t overdo it.

I care about keeping my priorities straight but I also care about stimulating my daughters’ little neural pathways. In the process of fostering a love of learning, I have to make sure to simplify so we don’t get too overwhelmed.

Why? I’ve seen the effect of over-scheduling kids over and over in my office. The kids are so frantic and so are their parents.

Instead, I recommend focusing on one or two weekly non-school activities per kid per season (3 max!).

Mix it up while they are young, if possible, unless they find something THEY love that they want to stick with. If you can, find one active activity and one more “academic” or community option (think music class, art class).

For older kids, let THEM choose from a handful of options, versus demanding that they are involved in a specific activity you really care about. If the coach/teacher is a bad fit, that’s one thing but, if at all possible, try to stick with whichever activity you choose through the season, then switch it up if it’s not working out so you can help foster a little perseverance and commitment.

Model resilience and a growth mindset.

Allow your kids to see you fail and to rebound from your failures. Use family dinner times to talk about the best parts of your day but also about the challenges you faced and the ways you overcame them.

Have your kids, when they are old enough, share their “Rose and Thorn of the Day” as well. Work on letting them figure things out on their own, waiting to jump in with help until they ask you for it and, even then, assisting mostly by helping them to problem-solve the situation for themselves.

“Well, let’s see, how could you get your book back without yelling if your sister takes it?”

“I could give her another toy and ask if I could trade her.”

“I love that idea! Nice problem-solving.”

In your own work, look for ways you can adjust your attitude to consider yourself a “learner.” When you don’t do as well as you want to do, use it as an opportunity to grow as opposed to looking at each mini failure as a sign of ineptitude.

Approach your kids’ failures in the same way. “I can’t do that” is usually met with a “yet” in my house. “Did you try your best? Ok, then you did a great job!”

Aim for goodness of fit.

When you get involved in activities or make choices on which schools/educational programs are best, look first at how it fits with the personality of your child. Does your child need a warm, supportive environment to thrive, even if it’s not seemingly as rigorous as another option?

It might just serve you better in the long run. Does your kid need more structure and accountability? An educational program that fits that model may work better. The temperament of your child will often determine their needs and their ability to work well within the system where they go to learn every day,

A leap ahead—that’s my focus for my kids and I bet it is for you, too. A leap to wherever they want to go. To whatever they want to be. To an understanding that success in life and work is not about fulfilling expectations, it’s about finding the things that ultimately bring them joy and fulfillment.

Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP

Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Photo: Mike Fox on Unsplash

Since the world will never be completely free of bullies, the rest of us need to arm ourselves and our children with tools to mentally combat the abuse of bullying as much as possible.

One way to combat bullying is being mentally prepared ahead of time through intentional learning. Intentional learning is the persistent, continual process to acquire, understand, and use a variety of strategies to improve one’s ability to attain and apply knowledge.

Below are 5 cognitive tools to share with your child. Education is empowerment. Understanding a bully gives your child the emotional edge.

1. Understand the 3 types of bullying:

Verbal bullying: For example, name-calling, taunting, inappropriate comments, threatening to cause harm, etc.
Social bullying/Relational bullying: This focuses on hurting someone’s reputation and relationships. It could be spreading rumors, telling others to specifically leave a person out of group activities, embarrassing someone in public/social media on purpose. It’s more common for women to use this type of bullying
Physical bullying: Things like hitting, kicking, spanking, pulling hair, pinching skin, tripping someone on purpose, making obscene hand gestures, inappropriate touch etc. More than not, men are the ones who use this form of bullying.

Help them understand what constitutes bullying so they can identify it when it happens to them or a peer. Also, it’s important to know what bullying is so that your child doesn’t inadvertently do it; such as tickling someone even when they say stop (parents are notoriously bad at this…if your child tells you to stop please respect that so they learn “no means no”), snapping a girls bra strap, or even hugging someone who has told them before they don’t like being hugged. The intent may come from a kind and loving place, but if the other person doesn’t want it it can still be considered bullying.

2. Fake it til you make it.

A mantra used by many from Hollywood celebrities to therapists in offices. There is a two-fold meaning. First, science has shown that acting differently can change how we feel about ourselves and even change our neural pathways (eg. Individuals with depression are sometimes suggested to act as if they aren’t depressed. Get up, go for a walk, make a healthy breakfast, etc. Many patients have found a decrease in depressive symptomatology when they do this.) Consequently, acting like a bully doesn’t scare you actually makes them seem to feel less scary and rewires your neural pathways toward courage instead of fear. Secondly, bullies feed off the fear of their victims and the responsive drama. Once they stop getting a dramatic response from their victim they often move on to someone.

3. Courage comes before confidence.

Just like many others in the world, I too have been bullied. It isn’t easy facing people who treat us badly. That being said, some of the most empowering moments in my life came when I faced a person who was bullying me and I stood up for myself. Over time, I began standing up for others whose voice wasn’t as powerful as mine. With each encounter with a bully, I felt my confidence grow. Remember rule #2. Sometimes we have to fake our first acts of courage. Don’t doubt that confidence will follow. Even if you get punched in the face (like me) stand tall and walk away knowing it takes greater strength to do so than to fight. Share a story with your child(ren) about when you were courageous in the face of fear.

4. This isn’t about you.

Remember, a bully’s actions do not reflect the worth of their victim. Whenever someone verbally attacks me I never take their words to heart because I’ve learned over time that their behaviors toward me reflect their own internal battle. It isn’t about me, it’s about them. I know it’s hard to not feel personally attacked…just reflect on a time when you lashed out at someone else in a moment of anger. The other person may have not even done anything to you (eg. unintentionally cuts you off in traffic) and yet you find yourself losing your mind on a stranger one car ahead of you. That driver didn’t deserve the anger you unleashed (they probably didn’t even hear it, which is good) yet you still released your own issues onto them. When someone is bullying your child, reminding your child that this abuse “isn’t about you” helps protect their developing ego/sense of self. Again, offer examples that are age appropriate for your child(ren).

5. Teach them who has their back.

Give your child(ren) phone numbers and names of people they can call as resources if they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation or need to talk to someone. Knowing there are people in the world, aside from a parent, watching out for them gives your child a sense of community and belonging resulting in feelings of security and empowerment.

Bullies have been around forever so until there’s a time when there are fewer bullies, help protect your children by arming them with education. Knowledge is their power.

Dr Bethany Cook

Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor.

ML Interest Tag: neural-pathways

5 Thoughtful Ways to Empower Your Kids to Achieve Success

By Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP