It can be easy to tell ourselves all sorts of things about our kids: we were once in their shoes, we’ve been there before, and we know how it feels—all of this is true. It’s also true we didn’t grow up in a tech-driven world, so while we as parents might worry about our kids falling victim to schoolyard taunts and teasing, because of the vast amount of time our children spend connected with digital devices nowadays, our attention needs to shift from in-person bullying to cyberbullying.
What is cyberbullying? Simply defined, cyberbullying is any kind of bullying behavior that’s perpetrated or experienced via digital and Internet-connected devices—smartphones, computers, or tablets. From harassing text messages to manipulation and extortion, kids and teens today are increasingly at risk of being bullied online and because parents and teachers may not overhear or see various types of cyberbullying when it happens, it can be difficult to detect and address.
“For lots of parents who were kids in the 1980s, we think bullying is whatever happened at school translated to online. The reality of cyberbullying is much more complex and the spectrum of abuse more broad than schoolyard bullying,” said Yaron Litwin, Digital Safety Expert & Chief Marketing Officer at Canopy, a leading AI solution to combat harmful online content for kids and teens.
According to a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 46% of teens ages 13 to 17 reported they have experienced some form of online bullying or harassment. The problem is especially acute for girls, who reported marginally higher incidents of online abuse and harassment compared to boys.
And, with children’s increasingly easy access to digital technologies, cyberbullying is taking an enormous toll on their mental, emotional, and physical health, according to Stop Bullying.Gov, an anti-bullying resource from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. While all U.S. states have laws requiring schools to respond to bullying, the laws in many states are still playing catch up to address the prevalence of cyberbullying. For parents, understanding the different forms of cyberbullying that kids and teens can experience is an important first step to help protect them from online harassment and abuse.
Here are 10 types of cyberbullying kids and teens may experience:
Spamming: As the name suggests, cyberbullying via spam is designed to inundate an intended target with unwanted text messages, e-mails, pictures, or videos—delivered through SMS, e-mail, or app inboxes like Snapchat or Instagram. By overwhelming bullying victims’ inboxes, cyberbullies make their abuse difficult to ignore.
Trolling: Some cyberbullies operate by posting intentionally provocative or offensive comments, images, or videos to elicit reactions from others. An online troll baits others into confrontation or conflict, which prompts the troll’s bullying behavior.
Catfishing: Creating fake social media profiles or accounts allows a catfishing cyberbully to pretend to be someone else. This tactic can be used to lure a bullying victim into a conversation or used to spread rumors or post negative content about someone.
Harassment: This can include sending threatening or intimidating messages, posting hurtful or untruthful comments on social media or online forums, and repeatedly sending unwanted messages or requests as a way to harass or abuse someone.
Exclusion: In the same way that kids and teens can be excluded in real life, exclusion in digital spaces can include being left out of group chats, conversations, or events.
Stalking: This involves repeatedly sending messages, following someone online, or gathering information about them with the intention of making them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Outing: Kids and teens may share personal and secret information with friends, but when private information is weaponized by sharing it online without consent and with the intention to embarrass or humiliate, it becomes cyberbullying.
Doxxing: Similar to outing, doxxing involves posting personal information, such as someone’s home address or phone number, without consent and for the expressed purpose of causing or encouraging harm or abuse.
Swatting: Swatting is an extreme form of harassment when a bully makes a false report of a serious crime, such as a hostage or active shooter situation, to send a SWAT team or other law enforcement officers to a targeted location. Swatting is a dangerous and illegal prank that has resulted in injury and even death.
Extortion: Digital extortion is a form of cybercrime where a perpetrator threatens to release sensitive or embarrassing information about the victim unless a ransom is paid. This information can include personal photos or videos, financial information, or even passwords. Digital extortion is a growing problem, especially among kids and teens. This is because young people are more likely to share personal information online and may not be as aware of the risks involved.
Technology continues to evolve rapidly, and cyberbullies have taken advantage, using apps like Snapchat’s disappearing messages to harass without evidence. As applications and tools powered by artificial intelligence make online impersonation easier, here are a few tips that parents can employ to help protect their kids from different types of cyberbullying:
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Stay engaged: While it’s easy to become overly protective, it’s important to maintain the right balance between giving kids and teens the privacy they deserve and knowing everything about their online activities. Look out for changes in behavior and be proactive about knowing what’s happening with your child’s friend group.
Ask questions: Although it may be uncomfortable for both parent and child, it’s important to ask questions about what’s going on in your kid’s digital life. What kinds of interactions are they having online? What apps, services, and websites are they frequently using?
Use technology: Oftentimes, kids’ facility with technology exceeds that of their parents. It’s important for parents not to relinquish total control of access to digital devices to their children. There are monitoring apps and services that can help protect kids and families from unwanted harassment and abuse online.
According to Canopy’s Litwin, “Combating cyberbullying requires a mix of AI and PI—artificial intelligence and parental intelligence.”
Already, one-third of kids ages seven to nine—and half of all 10- to 12-year-olds—are using sites like TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat
We live in a world where our baby’s first steps are just as likely to be posted online as they are to be saved in the baby book, so is it any wonder our kids are clamoring to get on social media? According to this study from the University of Michigan, one-third of kids ages seven to nine and half of all 10- to 12-year-olds are already using sites like TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat. And with all the news about how social media may damage kids’ self-esteem, potentially attract sexual predators, and encourage online bullying—exactly how worried should parents be?
“Parents are generally concerned about kids’ safety when it comes to online predators,” says Patrick Quinn, a former teacher and the official parenting expert for Brainly.com, an online homework help site run by teachers and kids. “But the bigger danger is the matter of kids not being able to realize that everything on the internet isn’t exactly true. Everybody wants to put their best foot forward online.”
Consequently, self-esteem can take a hit. According to a 2019 Johns Hopkins study, teens who spent more than three hours a day on social media were likely to see negative mental health impacts. That said, Quinn believes there are plenty of redeeming qualities of social media platforms. Finding connections and community support, for instance, can be important, especially for teens and tweens who feel isolated or different.
So what’s a parent to do? According to experts, best practices include installing good parental controls, setting clear rules, and teaching kids what good “digital hygiene” means. “We recommend sitting down with your child and talking through any new apps they’d like to download,” says Titania Jordan, Chief Parenting Officer for the BARK parental control app and the author of Parenting in a Tech World. “Discuss the pros and cons of each, keeping in mind that ‘because everyone else has it’ isn’t the best of arguments. But be sure to listen to what they have to say. Their research and passion may surprise you.” Now then: What’s a Snap? How do you Twitch? Who can DM your kids? From Facebook and Instagram to Twitch and Discord, here are the pros and cons of social media for kids.
Ask your child to sign a social media contract (we love this one from iMom) that lays out the general rules for what kids can and can’t do on social media—and what will happen if they break these rules. If you’re not sure your child can police themselves, parental control apps can help by setting bedtimes, setting screen limits, and blocking apps or sites you don’t want your child to use.
“When you make your expectations clear, your child will have a better understanding of what they can do and when,” Jordan says. Also, when your child signs up with a social site, make sure they add you as a “friend” so that you can see and monitor what they are posting. Kids should also give parents their login information so they can check up on what they’re doing online.
Some things to talk about before letting your kids loose on any social media platform:
Knowing the difference between “real-life” friends and online “friends”
Understanding that pictures posted on social media don’t tell the whole story (and that, despite how it looks, nobody has a perfect life)
The dangers of misinformation
Understanding that strangers who contact them online may not be who they say they are
The importance of never disclosing personal information online
Make sure to make space for “digital downtime” to keep life balanced
Understanding that anything you put online may be seen and shared by others
How parental control and privacy settings within individual apps can keep them safe
What is it? An image-sharing site that allows users to view and post pictures and videos.
What do kids do on Instagram? Share their photos and view their friends' feeds, as well as keep tabs on celebrity feeds and follow users (often strangers) with similar interests. Users can also communicate via direct messages (DMs).
What parents should know: Instagram has been under attack for allegedly causing low self-esteem, especially in young girls. To combat this, parents should have a serious conversation with their kids about how what they see on Instagram isn't actually "real life." Show them how filters can make people look different/better/thinner—and how everyone has flaws to hide (this enlightening short video from Ditch The Label explains the "Insta-Lie" perfectly). There is also a "disappearing message" feature that lets kids send timed photo or video messages that users can only view once before they disappear (though screenshots can still be taken), so many kids use this feature to hide things they may not want their parents (or others) to see.
How to safeguard kids: Common Sense Media rates Instagram as best for ages 15 and up because of its easy access to mature content, as well as access to strangers. When you do decide to let your kids use the site, make sure they add you as a friend (create your own Instagram account if you don't already have one) so you can see what they are posting. You can also make your child's account private, so only their friends can see their posts. To do this, go to Settings, then Privacy, and toggle on the Private mode (You can't lock this setting, so know that your kids can always change it back.).
What is it? The hottest social media site for teens and tweens, TikTok has racked up more than 3 billion downloads, with youngsters everywhere clamoring to show off their antics or watch short, punchy video clips. The app is supposed to be for kids 13 and up, but younger users can easily skirt this rule by lying about their birthdays when they sign up. Also: Like YouTube, kids don't need an account to view videos, but they do need one to post them.
What do kids do on TikTok? Watch endless video loops of dance routines, makeup tutorials, homemade music videos, cooking demos, physical stunts, and more. Videos can be up to 10 minutes long, though most are only a few seconds. Creative or enterprising kids can make their TikTok videos by uploading videos from their devices or by recording, editing, and adding effects (as well as music and filters) directly in the app—making it a great place for self-expression.
What parents should know: Profanity and sexually suggestive content are commonplace, even with parental controls enabled, according to ProtectYoungEyes.com. The app also has direct messaging features, meaning that kids can easily contact and be contacted by strangers. That said, users ages 13-15 automatically have the following features set: -No direct messages -Automatic private accounts -Comments can be made from only “Friends” or “No One.” -No videos can be remixed or downloaded.
How to safeguard your kids: TikTok has parental control settings, as well as “Digital Wellbeing."Go to the settings tab in the app on your child’s device and click on “Family Pairing” to set restrictions and screen time allowances. If you are giving your child your phone to use, go to the app, click settings, click on “Digital Wellbeing” to set time limits, and set to “Restricted” mode.
What is it? A camera tool and social messaging app that lets users send "snaps" (messages) to each other, mainly in the form of pictures. Pictures and messages are (supposedly) automatically deleted after they are viewed—but this doesn't stop the receiver from taking a screenshot, so kids should know it's still possible their messages will be shared or reposted.
What do kids do on Snapchat? Younger kids will be all about the camera filters and augmented reality elements that allow them to take fun pics of themselves with glamorous makeup, bunny ears, or a big cat sprawled on top of their heads. Older kids will likely use Snapchat as a messaging tool—sending Snaps to friends and posting photos to their “story," which disappears after 24 hours.
What parents should know: Kids may be exposed to inappropriate content on the Story feed, where they swipe through everything from up-close pimple popping videos to dance tutorials. Also, it may be hard to lull kids away from the app since users are rewarded for "Snapstreaks"—when two users send Snaps to each other at least once within 24 hours for more than three consecutive days. These reward badges are removed when the streak misses a day, so kids are incentivized to keep the conversation going.
How to safeguard kids: Parents can go into the app to prohibit location sharing (go into settings, go to “See My Location,” and set it to “Ghost Mode.”). Parents can also specify who can view or contact their kids. Parents should explain to kids never to send pictures they wouldn’t want their whole school to see (because it doesn't really "disappear"). Also, parents need to explain that kids should never post pictures of friends without similar consent.
What is it? An online discussion/chat forum, originally designed as a way for gamers to chat while playing a video game. While the site is still mostly geared toward gaming, it has evolved into a forum to explore any subject-specific interests and group audio chats with friends.
What do kids do on Discord? Talk to other users about topics of interest (mainly gaming, anime, or music). Discord offers voice chatting, video chatting, and text messaging (it's Skype mixed with Reddit), and users can either join or create public or private groups (called “servers“) about whatever specific topic they want to talk about.
What parents should know: Being a user-generated site, kids may be exposed to inappropriate content including swearing and graphic language and images (though there are groups with rules against these things).
How to safeguard kids: While there are no parental controls, Discord does have some safety/privacy settings to control who can direct message or add your kids as friends. Its "Safe Direct Messaging" feature is supposed to delete any direct messages with explicit content (although, according to Common Sense Media, this isn't foolproof). To be safe, instruct kids to only accept invitations from and participate in private servers with people they already know.
What is it? An online discussion board where users can post questions, start conversations, and share pictures and videos of things that interest them (its slogan is "Dive into anything"). While the site is designed for adults, it's easy for kids to explore, even without signing up (though they need to be signed up to post questions).
What do kids do on Reddit? Share stories with others who have similar interests or questions, ranging from talks about their favorite video games and TV shows to personal questions about sexuality, friendships, and physical health. Once they register, users can vote, post, or subscribe to “subreddits” that focus on specific topics.
What parents should know: There are no parental controls on Reddit, so kids asking particularly iffy questions may see or be exposed to inappropriate content. Also, given the nature of Reddit as an open discussion forum, kids may go down a rabbit hole of extreme opinions that may reflect racist, sexist, hate-filled, or ignorant points of view on a variety of heated topics. Parents should talk with kids about how to spot misinformation and extremism as well as how to differentiate between fact and hearsay. That said, if kids are looking for a community of people who understand particular issues, Reddit can help kids feel a little less alone in their plight.
How to safeguard kids: Reddit is meant for adults, so it's recommended to use filters to block the app until your child is at least 13 (given the adult nature of some posts). If you'd like to let your kids explore the site, parental control apps such as Bark can send you alerts if your child is exposed to or posting anything concerning (including drugs, sex, violent or suicidal ideation).
What is it? With 2.74 billion users (and counting), Facebook—now part of Meta—is the most popular social media site out there, offering an easy way to share and view photos, videos, opinions, and thoughts. While the app is meant for users 13 and up, according to the BBC, it's estimated that more than 20 million of its users are younger than this. Also, even if they don't have an account of their own, anyone can view posts on Facebook (you only need an account to post or contact other users).
Note: Facebook is so adamant about its 13+ age limit that there is a page on its site devoted to reporting and deleting accounts believed to be for children (useful if you've banned the app from your house and find that your child set up an account anyway).
What do kids do on Facebook? Share and view photos and videos of themselves and others, keep up with their favorite celebrities, watch videos of interest, and message each other.
What parents should know: Kids can easily be exposed to inappropriate content—as well as be contacted by strangers. Also, like Instagram, users can easily become obsessed with "keeping up" their image and trying to maintain the illusion of a "perfect life." Parents should keep in mind that if their kids are on Facebook, they can easily see all the things you've ever posted (something to think about if you've ever posted exasperated posts about your parenting journey or baby pics that would mortify your kids today).
How to safeguard kids: If you allow your child to have a Facebook account (preferably at 13), make sure it's set up as a private account to limit who can see their posts, photos and profile. To do this, go to the Privacy section of the Settings menu and pull the drop-down options to "Friends," "Only me," or "Close friends" (which requires you to enter specific names).
What is it? An app for kids that lets users talk via text and video chat. While Facebook itself maintains the 13 and up standard, Messenger Kids skirts this rule because parents set up and manage the account on behalf of their children. Bark calls this setup—where kids use the app, but parents manage every aspect of it — "like training wheels for a child’s first social media experience." This lets parents see who their child chats with, how much time they're spending on the app, and every image they send/receive. Note: This is the only app on the list that was designed for kids under 13.
What do kids do on Facebook Messenger Kids? Talk and video chat with friends.
What parents should know: Parents must have a Facebook account to set up Messenger for their children. And while kids won’t have a public profile, parents can allow their name and profile photo to be visible to others (or not). Another important thing to note is that kids can't send links or YouTube videos through the app, which keeps them safe from iffy content.
How to safeguard kids: If you're worried about excessive use or unwanted friends, you set in-app time limits, approve or deny new friend requests, and remotely log your child out.
What is it? A live-streaming site, primarily for gamers. Any kid who's obsessed with video games will likely be obsessed with watching other kids play video games—which is exactly what they do on Twitch.
What do kids do on Twitch? Watch live streams, most of which are devoted to gaming. If they're logged in, they can talk directly to the streamer and ask questions about the game (which may or not be answered, depending on how many people are watching the stream). For a fee, kids can also broadcast themselves playing.
What parents should know: While the app doesn't technically allow threatening language or sexually explicit content, kids will still likely be exposed to plenty of profanity in the chats, which stream live beside the video. Kids don't have to sign up to watch live streams, but they do to chat. Users can also send "Whispers" (direct messages) to other registered users, though this can be restricted in the app's settings.
How to safeguard kids: Twitch doesn't offer parental controls, but logged-in users can set chat filters to limit discrimination, sexually explicit language, and profanity (though, according to Common Sense Media, these filters aren't foolproof.).
I wish the r-word would just disappear. Poof! Be gone. Permanently erased forever.
The r-word is a euphemism for “retard” or “retarded.” It is a derogatory and insulting term used to describe or insult individuals with intellectual disabilities. I’m so tired of hearing it and reading it on social media used to insult a person, place, or thing through comparison to a person with an intellectual disability. There is no correct way to use the r-word. None. It needs to go!
If you haven’t already, please kick the r-word to the curb, once and for all. I’m so tired of reading the expression “that’s so retarded.” People need to stop using it as a descriptor. It’s not a joke. The r-word has such a negative stigma attached to it.
In a world of social media and a pandemic, more and more people are going online including those with intellectual disabilities. They have a right to be in the online space free from disrespect and online bullying. I have seen friends use this word. It’s like a stab to my heart. They know the struggles that I have with my child, how hard he works, and the obstacles he faces and seeing them just throw that word around, out into the world- like nothing. It is beyond disheartening.
It is really one of the worst things that they can say. I wish that people thought before they spoke. I wish they realized how hurtful and demeaning the “r-word” is. I wish they could live in our world for a day so they could realize the love, kindness, strength, fight, heart, friendship, and perseverance of those living with intellectual disabilities. They are missing out.
This is more than a word, it’s about respect and attitudes. It’s about people looking down on others and judging them because of perceived capabilities. Never make an assumption about what another person can and cannot do. My son is an amazing little boy. He loves life and other people. He likes muffins, telling jokes, YouTube, and Buzz Lightyear. He loves hugs, stickers, swimming, and being included.
He is love, kindness, acceptance, purity, positivity, strength, and courage. He is smart. He is capable. He has encountered more obstacles, jumped more hurdles, and climbed bigger mountains in his mere five years than some people encounter in a lifetime. He is more than any assumption, barrier, limit, or diagnosis. He is and will always be more than the ignorance, negativity, hate, opinions, and preconceived notions of others. He will always be more than the r-word.
I am a proud wife, ASD Mom, Step-Mom. At 21 months, my son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He is 5 years old and non-verbal. I have become a full-time stay-at-home mom. I am 1000% focused on raising autism awareness and helping my son live a full and fun life.
October is Bullying Prevention Month, and it is an important time to talk about how bullying can affect kids and teens, and what you can do as a parent to empower them to take action and help deal with the issues they themselves or their friends may be going through.
In a nationwide survey of U.S. parents and teens commissioned by a global online entertainment platform Roblox, 22 % of parents shared that their children have personally experienced some form of online bullying, and nearly 1 in 5 teens confirmed they’ve experienced online bullying within the previous 12 months. With stay-at-home requirements this year and most kids spending more time online, some of this behavior will likely have moved into the digital spaces kids and teens hang out in.
We spoke with kids and teens in the Roblox community and also got recommendations from experts at global organizations like The Diana Award and Project Rockit that are focused on raising resilient digital citizens and training young people to stand up instead of standing by. Here are their top 10 tips to share with your kid or teen to help them manage a hard situation they might be experiencing with online bullying:
1. Talk to someone about it. Alex Holmes, deputy CEO at The Diana Award, an organization providing resources and support for people who are experiencing bullying, recommends: “Let someone—anyone—know how you are feeling, sense check the situation by asking someone ‘this just happened, what do you think’? Often instead of worrying on your own you might get a different perspective or take on the situation which may lead to you feeling much better and lead to you feeling supported and valued.”
2. If you find it really hard to speak to someone, try writing a message. Holmes advises to consider sending a text or an email, or reaching out to an anonymous helpline or service. Some schools and colleges have anti-bullying ambassadors or peer support projects, and you might even find it helpful to get involved yourself.
3. Find your allies. A co-founder of Project Rockit, Australia’s youth-driven movement against (cyber)bullying, Lucy Thomas notes that while it sounds obvious, sometimes we need to ask people to stand up for us: “This doesn’t mean picking a fight with the person who is giving you a hard time. Instead, they could try interrupting nasty comments with a distraction, or posting positive content to show they have your back. If your opponent knows you have people on your side, they are less likely to continue hassling you.” By the way, some good news: in our survey of nearly 600 teens, almost everyone (96%) said they’re likely to help a friend they see being bullied online!
4. Don’t let others take over your problem. While it’s important to seek help, another recommendation from The Diana Award is not to let others overtake your issue. Instead you can say: “I’d like you to listen, and perhaps we can solve this together.’” Then come up with a strategy together that feels good to you.
5. Look after yourself. Bullying can take its toll on emotional wellbeing, so make sure you surround yourself with people you like and do things that make you happy. Also, look after the physical side; you need to eat well and sleep.
6. Remember that you are strong. “When someone treats you in the wrong way, it affects our emotions, feelings and mood,” explains Holmes adding that it’s natural to feel upset or vulnerable, but that doesn’t make you weak. “We should try and remember the strength each and every one has inside of us. The talent and skills you possess, the great friend you are to others and the potential you have to make the world a better place. What’s happening to you isn’t ok but it doesn’t define you, and things will get better.”
7. Use self-moderation tools like block and reporton Roblox (or similar tools on other platforms) as recommended by our community saying: “These are powerful tools that give you back control. Make sure you know how to use them on all the apps and websites you use.” Parents can also report bad actors or inappropriate content together with their kids which helps them understand what to do and shows solidarity.
8. Resist the urge to retaliate. Project Rockit experts stress that there is no sense in repaying hate with hate: “Retaliating only keeps the cycle going. Besides, we’ve got to keep in mind that those who hate from behind a screen are not truly anonymous. Neither are you!” You definitely don’t want to provide your attackers with ammunition that could be used against you later. If you stay strong in treating others online as you would offline, you’ll find it much easier to remain connected to who you really are, even in the face of (cyber)bullying.
9. Help a friend or others targeted by online hate. So what if you see someone being bullied? Thomas notes that one of the most awful parts of (cyber)bullying is feeling totally humiliated in front of a huge public audience—this is a super isolating experience. That’s why she recommends, “Even if you aren’t confident enough to stand up for someone in the moment or it doesn’t feel safe, you can still send them a private message or chat with them face-to-face to let them know you don’t agree with the way they’re being treated. It seems small but can honestly change a person’s life.” Be cautious if you plan to challenge the person directly; you don’t want to escalate the problem but it’s ok to say you don’t like what they’re doing.
10. Make your world a better place. The team at The Diana Award shared some words of empowerment saying: “If you’ve experienced bullying, what you went through wasn’t great, but hopefully you resolved it and became stronger and more resilient as a consequence. Now use that experience as a learning or teaching moment, empower others who find themselves in a similar situation, guide them and stand up quietly or loudly when you next see the same sort of behavior.”
As Director of Digital Civility at Roblox, Laura Higgins leads the company's groundbreaking initiative focused on providing the community with the skills needed to create positive online experiences, in partnership with the world’s leading safety and industry organizations. Higgins has over 20 years of experience building proven safeguarding, online safety and civility programs.
Getting out the door in the morning is hard enough—but it’s even harder if you’ve got a school-aged child who wants to be anywhere but the classroom. So what’s a parent to do? Whether your little student is struggling in the classroom or having trouble with bullying during recess, there are things you can do to help make the school day better. We had a few experts weigh in on the subject, keep reading to see what they had to say.
Unless you've got that unicorn-of-a-child who actually tells you everything about her school day, getting kids to give you the lowdown on their weekday world usually takes prodding. So, instead of asking, "How was your day?" try asking more specific questions:
- Who (and what) did you play with at recess?
- Who did you sit next to at lunch?
- Who do you like the most in the classroom?
- What do you like best about your teacher? What are some of your teacher's rules?
- Who was your best friend today? Who would you like to become friends with (and why)?
- What was the hardest thing about today? The easiest?
- Did you raise your hand and answer any questions? Why or why not?
Then ask the counter-questions: Who don't you play with? Who don't you like? What don't you like about the teacher? Was there anything you didn't understand?
Start to notice any patterns. Does your child seem to have a best friend? A lot of friends? No friends? Does your child seem comfortable speaking in class? Is she understanding the work? What is she liking (and not liking) about her school day? Once you understand a little more about what's happening during the school day, you can start to tackle any issues head-on.
Some kids who consistently struggle in school have what doctors call a "learning difference" (as opposed to a learning disability), according to this Spoke article. These kids are actually very smart, yet struggle to learn core subjects like reading, spelling and math simply because they learn in a different way—or at a different pace—than their peers.
"Unfortunately, their lack of success with learning makes them feel bad about themselves and can affect their desire to learn," write Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Dr. Elaine Fogel Schneider. "When children face daily tasks or situations in which they consistently fail, they will feel defeated, frustrated, sad and anxious. Constant academic struggles and lack of success are huge robbers of confidence and joy in bright children with learning differences."
The best thing a parent can do is to validate the child's learning process—and work with it.
"Frequently they hear: “You need to try harder;” or “You need to listen better;” or “You have a bad attitude,” the doctors wrote. "Comments like these from parents and teachers only make them feel worse. They also act as confidence and joy robbers."
For more tips on how to help kids who are learning different, see the Spoke article here.
Not every parent can find time to volunteer weekly in the classroom or take on the role of Class Mom. But do what you can to get involved—whether it's joining the PTA, volunteering for special events or simply being there to help with homework or studying. And, most importantly, develop a relationship with your child's teacher.
"You want to meet the teacher. You want to have them know who you are," says Janet Lehman, a Florida social worker, who is the co-creator of The Total Transformation program, an e-workshop that helps parents take control of their children's behavior. "Even if you’re not having any trouble at all, you want the teacher to know that school is important to you."
Talk to the Teacher in Charge of Lunch and Recess Your child's primary teacher isn't necessarily the same person who's overseeing lunch and recess (when the veritable jungle of social hierarchies will be established for your kids). Find out which teacher oversees these important social times and set up a time to chat. Then, ask them about how your child is doing. Does she sit with the same kids during lunch? Does she seem happy and involved during recess? If the teacher isn't sure, then ask them to keep an eye out and to report back with you.
Sometimes, kids have trouble at school because they're having trouble seeing the whiteboard or hearing the teacher's directions. It's best to rule out any medical reasons your child might be struggling in the classroom. Your pediatrician can also guide you in the right direction if she thinks your child should be assessed for learning disabilities including ADHD or dyslexia. Just make sure you're honest with your doctor about your concerns so she knows what to look for when she examines your child.
Keep in mind, if any sort of learning disability is suspected, your child has a legal right to school-provided services and/or special accommodations. (Read this article from Understood.org to better understand how Individualized Education Plans (IEPs) and 504 Special Education Plans can help your child.)
Don't expect your child to breeze through homework if the only place she has to study is the kitchen table (while you cook dinner and your other kids watch Wild Kratts.) Set up an inviting study space for your kids and they'll have an easier time settling into their work. Need some ideas? Check out our favorites here.
But Be There to Help Out While it's easy to send your child to her room with the instructions of "Come out when her homework is finished," helping your kids with their homework—or at least being in the same room while they're working—shows your child that you care about her success at school. It also helps you see where your child might be struggling and where you might need to help even more. "I know, it's exhausting. You have no time for yourself," Lehman said. "But that's part of the sacrifice we go through as parents." See more tips on how to make homework fun here.
Does your kid rush from school to baseball to piano lessons to swimming ... all before heading home for dinner, homework and family time? Then, Lehman says, it may be time to ease up on the recreational activities.
"Activities are terrific," she said. "But if there are academic problems, you don't want them falling so far behind or being so physically exhausted that they can’t focus on homework."
How do you know when it's too much? It's simple: If sleep, relationships, or schoolwork is suffering, your child may be overscheduled. "If you feel like, academically, your kids are having difficulties, then as a parent you have to be able to say, 'OK, we're not going to be doing swimming this year,'" Lehman said.
Make a Time Management Chart
Corrinne and Briana Van Dorpe
Organizational skills don't come naturally for most kids, even when it comes to the little things they have to do at home (dinner, homework, teeth-brushing, etc.) So teach your kids how to make a time management chart by visually mapping out every minute of your after-school schedule. This way, it's easier for them to set aside time for homework—and get it done! Some kids love a checklist, so try leaving boxes for them to X out when each task is completed.
"Hang it on the back of their door, in their bedroom, in the kitchen," Lehman said. "It teaches them to have some patience. They have a schedule. They’re going to need to learn that, say, between 5 and 6 that is for free time and they need to do their homework first."
So what if your kid is doing great in school but seems to have trouble making (or keeping) friends? Well, then, it's time to pull out the class directory and start setting up some play dates. Many kids are more comfortable in these sorts of one-on-one situations, Lehman said, and building friendships outside of school can carry those connections (and subsequent confidence!) into the classroom.
If your child is having trouble with her social skills, make sure he knows that this is a normal battle even grown-ups face. "Socializing is hard for everybody, not just children," Lehman said. "Adults have a hard time socializing with each other, too." If, however, socializing is causing severe anxiety for your child, it may be helpful to take your child to a counselor or social skills group to find ways to ease that anxiety.
If Your Child Is Being Bullied Most schools take the issue of bullying very seriously, so the first inkling you have that your child may be getting bullied—even if you think it may just be a little playful teasing—bring the issue up with child's teacher. If the issues persist, take them to the principal. And remember that bullying doesn't always happen in the schoolyard. Online bullying can be equally traumatizing.
Read this article to learn some important warning signs that your child may be being bullied—and how you can help.
Of course, a child who is having trouble in school often struggles at home, too. This means, for instance, homework sessions may come to explosive ends, with heated emotions or frustrated declarations of "I give up!" or "I can't do it!" And while a parent's first instinct might be to reassure kids or push to them to get back on track, it's just as important to validate their frustrations and just let them vent.
"Parents are tired at the end of the day, sometimes they don’t feel like dealing with problems the kids are having and they kind of blame the kid, and say, ' Why can’t you do this?' But it’s really important to be as patient as you can." says Lehman.
No matter the time of the school year, kids face pressure to do well in their studies along with the stress that comes with finding themselves and their place in social groups. These are the same stresses we parents faced growing up, but today there is a notable change.
The advent of mobile technology and social media has opened a world that we older generations never had to contend with when we were growing up. While it has created new ways for kids to stay in touch with their friends, it has also opened pathways for the cruelty of bullying.
Online bullying is an incessant problem. More than 43 percent of teens report being bullied online, research shows, with 70 percent of students saying they witness frequent bullying online.
Bullying includes threats, rumors, physical or verbal attacks and excluding somebody from a group on purpose. Cyberbullying includes any kind of bullying that takes place over digital devices through texts, social media, online forums—anyplace where people share content. It includes sending, posting or sharing negative, harmful, false or mean content about someone, including personal or private information that causes embarrassment or humiliation.
Why is online bullying so prevalent? One reason is that online bullies are less likely to see the results of their bullying. One study showed only 16 percent felt guilty after bullying online while 40 percent felt nothing at all. When asked why they do it, some kids say it made them feel funny, popular or powerful.
More than 80 percent of young people say bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person. Cyberbullies are more likely to have poor relationships with their parents, so they may not have much supervision over what they are doing online.
Kids with access to technology can be subjected to online bullying 24-7, making them feel there is no escape and leaving them feeling isolated and desperate. Cyberbullying has been linked to self-harm and suicide among young people. Kids subjected to bullying and other trauma are also more likely to carry emotional scars in the form of what I call trapped emotions. These are unresolved negative emotions that become “trapped” within the physical body, causing physical and emotional stress for years to come.
Unfortunately, many kids don’t ask for help because they are afraid of being seen as weak or a tattletale or fear backlash from the bully or rejection by friends. Teens are more than twice as likely to tell their peers about bullying than they are to tell parents or other adults, one study found.
Here are 12 warning signs parents can—and should—watch for in their kids.
Emotional upset, anxiety and depression.
Frequent headaches and stomach aches.
Faking illness.
Unexplainable injuries.
Changes in eating habits.
Poor sleep / frequent nightmares.
A drop in school performance.
Not wanting to go to school.
Sudden loss of friends.
Avoidance of social situations.
Low self-esteem.
Self-destructive behaviors including self-harm, running away or talking about suicide.
There are many things we can do to help children suffering from bullying. If you see your child struggling with any of these issues, talk with him or her about what’s going on. Talking with your children is the key to both preventing bullying and to healing the emotional trauma it can cause.
Here are some other steps you can take to help your child.
Help your child to know that he or she is valued and that it is safe to communicate with you.
Take action with the school and/or the bully’s parents to ensure the child’s safety.
Urge kids to help others who are being bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
Help children find and release trapped emotions. This is important both for victims and for the kids doing the bullying.
Parents of bullied kids often feel helpless, angry and frustrated. Try to keep your emotions under control so your child feels safe. And don’t neglect yourself—identifying and releasing your own trapped emotions will help you to be a better parent and fully support your child.
Veteran holistic physician and author of The Emotion Code, Dr. Bradley Nelson is an expert in the emerging fields of Bioenergetic Medicine and Energy Psychology. He has certified thousands of practitioners worldwide in helping people overcome unresolved anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness and other negative emotions and the physical symptoms associated them.
