While they won’t help with the inevitable eye roll, these tips can help you connect and build mutual trust

If you’ve got kids approaching the tween years, you’re probably a little nervous (ok, let’s be honest—totally freaked out) about what’s going to happen when that inevitable sprout of independence blooms. Will you still know what’s going on at school, after school, or with friends? And, most importantly: How will you stay connected and close? The answer? Mutual trust. We asked experts to tell us some of the best ways to build trust with kids before they become teenagers.

Here’s what they said about building trust with tweens

1. Talk to them!

According to Mindy McKnight, author of VIRAL PARENTING: A Guide to Setting Boundaries, Building Trust, and Raising Responsible Kids in an Online World, the most important thing parents can do to build trust with their kids is to talk to them. Like, REALLY talk. The mom of six says, “Do your best to have open and honest conversations as often as you can. Yes, talk about the easy stuff like friends, school, interests, and memories, but don’t be afraid to delve into the more difficult stuff as well. Like bullying, sexuality, puberty, and hormones. Parents should be the first (and most reliable) source of information when it comes to establishing the foundation for their newly-forming ideals and opinions.”

Of course, finding time to talk can be tough. Try getting a few words in at bedtime or on car drives, when your kids are less likely to be distracted by screens, homework, or siblings.

2. Listen carefully to their perspectives—and validate what they are saying to you.

“When I was 12, we visited my uncle, who worked as a fertility endocrinologist in California. He was discussing abortion with another adult in the room, and I vividly remember him turning to me and asking what my opinion was on the subject. At age 12, I’m not sure I even really knew enough to have an opinion, but I remember exactly how I felt when he believed I might have something important to say. I felt so important. Ask your tweens their thoughts on important subjects, and you might just be surprised by what they have to say. Conversations like these also help them to become more informed and to share their opinions in a mature and respectful way,” says McKnight.

3. Be specific when setting boundaries—and stick to them.

Consistency and reliability are important building blocks of trust. If you’re going to set rules, make sure you’re specific, and stick to the rules and the consequences you’ve laid out if they aren’t followed. “We love contracts in our family. They help us ensure we have discussed all the different rules, potential outcomes, and subsequent consequences in teen-sensitive areas like the usage of smartphones, laptops, social media, cars, etc. Be careful not to establish consequences that you won’t actually enforce. Your war will be lost before you even begin,” McKnight says.

4. Take interest in your tween’s interests.

“If you notice that they have a specific interest in something, like video games or fashion, be sure to make that an interest for you too,” Mcknight says. “Learn about it, and talk about it. Even if the activity isn’t something you particularly love. Taking part in it will help open up many opportunities to spend quality time with your child, and communication with them will become much easier. Try it, and you’ll be surprised at how well this works.”

Related: 5 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Tween

dad talking with his tween daughter
iStock

5. Answer their questions without judgment.

When a child or tween asks you questions about something—whether it’s something they saw on TV or something they heard in school—answer them without judgment. According to New York psychologist Sanam Hafeez, “Most parents just go into panic mode asking where they heard what they heard and then judging and getting negative. When kids feel as if they can communicate openly with parents without it turning into drama—or worse, accusations and arguing—they’ll be more trusting of their parents and will value their guidance and advice.”

6. Honor their personal space.

By age 8 or 9, privacy starts to become important to kids. Consequently, that’s when parents need to start respecting their personal space—for instance, always knocking on their door (or the bathroom door) instead of just barging in. “Respect and trust are intertwined. When a tween is concerned that their parents might move their things in their room, or think nothing about coming into the bathroom while they are showering, or randomly redecorate something in their room without first checking with them, it can fracture the trust,” Hafeez says. 

Note: If you have a house policy where all doors must be open a few inches, Hafeez said you can stick to that rule but still knock and peek in before swinging the door open. 

7. Lead by example.

If your eyes are constantly on your phone, and then you scold your kids for being glued to their iPads, they won’t be as willing to take you at your word. Be ready to “walk the walk” when you set rules for the family. Hafeez says, “Declaring you are going to revamp the way the family eats and then actually involve the tween in meal-planning… that could be a fun way to show that you stick to what you say you are going to do. This inspires trust and respect.”

8. Show your tween that you respect them.

Trust hinges on respect—and this respect should be mutual. So show your tweens that you respect them—even when they misbehave or disappoint you. When your child sneaks his iPad (again) on a school night, for instance, sit him down and admit that you’re disappointed. Ask him why he finds it hard to follow a particular rule and listen to his feelings about it. Whatever you do, don’t make rash statements like, “Why can’t you ever follow the rules?” or “We just can’t trust you.” Those statements just make kids feel like their parents don’t respect (or believe in) them. Parenting expert and former high school teacher Kara Carerro noted on her blog, “When a child grows up respected, they are more apt to confide in and trust their parents.”

9. Show your kids unconditional love.

Sure, you know that you love your kids unconditionally—but do they know? In this article, outreach specialist Tyler Jacobson says it’s important to show your kids that your love never diminishes or disappears. “The fact that you love them and want to rebuild your trust could go a long way to setting the tone for healing. Even when kids are little, it can be hard to forgive quickly, offer support for every little thing, and accept them for who they are NOW. But these are all ways to show unconditional love,” he says.

Related: 11 Things Tweens Think They’re Ready to Do, But Aren’t

Showing yourself some self-love can go a long way in strengthening your mental and emotional health and peace of mind. Here are six ways to practice self-love daily:

1. Realize That Self-Care Is Not Selfish
Say it with me: self-care is not selfish. It is you taking care of your basic needs and rights as a human being. It is about doing the little things that bring you joy and promote peace within you. None of us can pour from an empty cup.

2. Forgive Yourself for past Mistakes
Sometimes we carry the weight of our past decisions and actions into our present. While thinking about the past is important to give us clarity and perspective, it’s important not to beat ourselves up. Today is always a chance to do better and to learn from mistakes, not to dwell in regret. Be kind to yourself.

3. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Any Emotion 
Every day we will feel many different emotions. It’s ok to not feel ok, as they say. Allow your negative emotions to pass over and through you without guilt and the need to be “happy” all the time. Realize that feeling any and all of your emotions is a normal part of being human.

4. Limit News & Social Media
While it’s certainly important to know what’s happening in the world, there is such a thing as too much information. We are inundated daily by news reports and everyone else’s opinion about all of it. Try to limit your intake to a reasonable amount per day and maybe even consider taking one day per week to detox completely from media.

5. Declutter Your Space 
Sometimes we let clutter take over without even realizing it. Many times physical clutter can represent mental clutter. When we take the time to declutter our space, it contributes to mental decluttering and a more relaxed atmosphere.

6. Get Out in Nature
Humans are not meant to be cooped up all day. Do yourself a favor and get outside for fresh air even if it means just standing on your front porch. Fresh air, sunshine, and greenery go a long way in perking up your mood!

 

 

This post originally appeared on The Haute Mommy Handbook.

Jen Kathrina-Anne is a blogger, freelance writer, and graphic designer. When she’s not writing or designing, she enjoys spending time outdoors in the California Bay Area where she resides with her husband and two fearless daughters. Find her at www.hautemommyhandbook.com.

 

Ready for it? Milk Bar just announced a new line of ice cream pints and they’re headed to a grocery store near you!

Four flavors from the iconic bakery drop soon: Birthday Cake, Cereal Milk, Cornflake Chocolate Chip Marshmallow and Milk Bar Pie. It’s the first time that Milk Bar will offer ice cream beyond their signature bakeries.

The birthday cake ice cream is flavored with the sweet treat, plus birthday crumbs and frosting(!). The Cereal Milk is a tribute to the original flavor craze with a cornflake crunch. Cornflake chocolate chip marshmallow riffs on the best-selling cookie with cornflake crunch, marshmallow swirls and chocolate chunks. And Milk Bar Pie brings the bakery’s signature pie into ice cream form: vanilla ice cream swirled with gooey butter cake.

“I have dreamed about bringing Milk Bar to the freezer section (the holy grail of the supermarket in my opinion) for nearly a decade. I knew coming in now, we’d need to do more than bend pieces of our finished treats into an ice cream pint. So we toiled and tinkered, taking our favorite flavor profiles and imagining them through ice cream bases, swirls, gobs, fudges, frostings, crumbs and crunches to create our proudest on-shelf creation yet,” said Christina Tosi, Chef and Founder of Milk Bar.

You’ll be able to grab a pint or four starting Jun. 1 at Whole Foods Markets, then at additional retailers and online later in the summer. Last year the brand entered the grocery space with soft-baked cookies, followed by truffle crumb cakes. Each pint will be $5.99 and maybe/probably the best part of your entire week.

— Sarah Shebek

Images courtesy of Milk Bar

 

RELATED STORIES:

Famous Milk Bar Cookies Are Coming to Target

The Sweetest Holiday Treats That You Can Have Delivered

Whole Foods Market Announces Top 10 Food Trends for 2021

You don’t have to look very far (or for very long) before you see something on your news feed that amounts to mom-shaming. Yet, the more I read about mom-shaming posts going viral, the more I get a mix of emotions.

While I’m thankful there are people in the world who are reading between the lines and who urge others to stop judging parents, another part of me feels guilt and frustration because although I hate being mom-shamed, I do (shamefully and oftentimes unknowingly) partake in it myself. The more I read about mom-shaming, the more I remember that shamers are out there, “doin’ their thang.” And honestly, the less likely I am to share with other parents my stories, for fear of being perceived as THAT parent—a.k.a., the one who lacks proper judgment.

Mom shaming is not my problem, but a lack of esteem and community are. 

All parents will have preferences and many people with different preferences will take issue with any opinion on parenting that’s different from their opinion. My point isn’t to say mom-shaming is a good thing—but it exists and I’m not sure how effective “shaming the shamers” really is. How much can we combat mom shamers by telling them, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it at all?”

I’d like to think this works, but if someone is mom-shaming me either through their words, their glares or they’re pretending I’m not there, I’m certainly not going to rebut by saying, “please play nice.” Because how effective is it to mom shame…the mom shamers? “Listen here mom or regular person, you should be ashamed for shaming another mom.”

What should we do to combat mom-shaming, other than trying to shut shamers up? In more and more of the positive self-help books I dig into, it’s clear that one of the secrets to being great is learning to tune out the noise, to empower ourselves—to accept criticism when it leads to self-improvement and to leave behind the comments that are degrading. In Jen Sincero’s book, You Are a Badass, she proclaims that:

“Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team for lack of skill. Steven Spielberg, a high school dropout, was rejected from film school three times. Thomas Edison, who was dubbed too stupid to learn anything by a teacher, tried more than nine thousand experiments before successfully creating the light bulb.”

We as parents would benefit a great deal by building our own confidence in a world of nay-sayers. We would do the world a disservice by listening to bad-talkers. The world needs our diversity, our amplified voices, and opinions and we need to repel negative comments directed at our parenting st‌yles in order to keep doing what we believe is best for our children.

We moms empower mom shamers by listening to them, prioritizing them, and by internalizing their negativity. So, while building our own sense of self can help us achieve a greater sense of clarity and esteem in our own parenting choices, how do we help build up other parents too, instead of shame them (back to basics here: two wrongs don’t make a right)?

Here are some ideas to build a community of confident parents who embrace their differences: invite other parents/kids for a tea and play-date. Be a community. Compliment and look for the good in them and help them shake off negative comments and articulate feedback in a way that is geared towards their betterment, not their destruction. Seems pretty simple, yet it takes perseverance and dedication.

To recap: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is a theme presented by many successful life coaches and urges people to stop letting others’ negative, harmful opinions influence us or prevent us from achieving greatness. As a parent, a parent-professional and a leader: we parents are leaders. Moms and dads need to embrace this, too. Taking the wisdom of author Brené Brown, a vulnerability and shame researcher: if you want to combat the negative effects of mom-shaming in others as well, allow others to be vulnerable with you and help them see their inner hero.

Hi, I'm Deanna. Mom and step-parent and I'm dedicated to positively contributing to the parenting community! 

When we first received Dominic’s diagnosis of Autism at age 2 1/2, my first thought was him as an adult sorting paperclips into boxes.

I thought he would never talk.

I knew nothing at all about autism. 

I did grow up with a neighbor named Tommy who had intellectual disabilities and he would visit our home frequently. This was the 1970s when those with disabilities were separated in school and many parents were told to institutionalize their children. Looking back, Tommy’s parents went against that way of thinking. They let him walk around the neighborhood unsupervised. I never asked Tommy if he had autism, we just accepted him the way he was.

Speaking of acceptance, it took me about two weeks to come to terms with Dominic’s diagnosis of autism. In my own opinion, I think that is very important to do because you really can’t move forward until you have done that. After the diagnosis of autism, Dominic subsequently received diagnoses of ADHD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and Complex Partial Epilepsy. In a lot of ways, when Dominic received that diagnosis of autism, I was actually relieved.  I found it much more stressful before we got the diagnosis. We knew something wasn’t right but didn’t know what it was.

Dominic turned 16 at the end of July and in a little over a year and a half and he will be an adult. Now that I have been on this autism “journey” with Dominic for almost 14 years, I can say with complete transparency that he has surpassed many of the expectations that I had for him!! Dominic’s speech is delayed and most likely always will be. When Dominic was able to say two or three-word sentences, I felt like jumping up and down!! This past Friday, Dominic’s sister,  Lauren asked him what he wanted for Christmas. He responded back with, “Legos and puzzles.” This was the very first time that he ever told us that!! Woohoo!!!! Given that he is almost 16 1/2 we have been waiting a long time to hear that!!!!

When you have a child/adult with learning differences and speech delays, when they are able to tell you spontaneously, unscripted, and unprompted what they want, you want to shout it from the rooftops! I belong to several Facebook groups that have to do with autism. Earlier this week, I saw a post about a 4-year old boy that saw one of his favorite Disney characters and spoke for the first time. Another parent saw that post and said, “thanks for giving me hope!’

Since I was so excited that Dominic had told us when he wanted for Christmas, I posted it on their Facebook page. Another mom wrote back to my post saying that she would give anything to hear what Dominic said to us and that her son is 16 as well. I wrote back to that mom and told her I was sending her a “virtual” hug and to never give up hope!!!!

This post originally appeared on bountifulplate.

I am a stepmom to one and a mom to two. I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 24 years. Grew up in Maryland and have lived in Michigan since 2001 when my husband got a job here. My 16-year old son has multiple disabilities.

I read a story a long time ago. A woman received a call from her child’s school’s PTA, telling her that they needed two dozen cupcakes (or something similar) from her for their upcoming fundraiser.

The mother thought for a moment. “How much do you expect to earn through this event?” she asked.

“Three hundred dollars,” came the reply.

“And how many people do you expect will contribute baked goods?”

“About 15.”

The mother promptly sent the PTA a check for $20 and did no baking.

The PTA members seemed quite upset by this. But here was a mother who had learned to say “no,” while still supporting the PTA’s goal in a tangible way–just without adding a baking chore to her job, or indeed whatever else she had to do.

Saying “no” is important. Lately, we’ve been hearing that permitting children to say “no” to an unwelcome hug or kiss, even from a close relative, is an early lesson in bodily autonomy and setting limits. Similarly, children should be able to say “stop” when being tickled and have their boundaries respected. 

Perhaps because many grown women didn’t have a chance to learn how to say “no”–and have it heard and accepted–they still don’t know how to set those boundaries.

It’s especially hard to do when children are involved.

I read another story about a woman eating a bowl of strawberries. Her child had already eaten his bowl of strawberries but wanted his mother to give him her last berry. She ate it herself instead.

I remember this caused a furor among those who read the article. Most of the people who wrote to the magazine where it was published were of the opinion that the mother should have surrendered the last strawberry to her child. Mothers were supposed to sacrifice for their children, they said. The mother who ate the last berry in her bowl was being selfish.

A few replied, however, that the mother was right–and within her rights to eat the strawberry herself. Her child had already eaten his share of the berries. By insisting on being given the last berry, he was, they said, learning greed and that all his wants should be gratified, to say nothing about disrespecting his mother, who, in eating the last berry, was saying “no” to him.

Nothing was resolved, of course, but everyone, it seemed, had an opinion.

Parents have to say “no” to their children sometimes, especially in cases involving danger. They also have to teach their children to say “no”–again especially in cases involving danger. And they would do well to teach their children to accept a “no” from someone else.

But when an adult says “no” to another adult, as in the first example, the response is often incredulity. How dare a mother refuse to participate in a school bake sale! The fact that she contributed in her own, deliberately fair, way seemed an affront.

But saying “no” to requests for time, money, energy, and effort is natural and understandable. It’s very difficult, though, especially for women, and especially without adding some excuse–doctor’s appointment, visiting relative, or whatever. Some feel guilty even when the excuse is valid and true.

Because that’s what’s really happening here. Parents feel guilty when they decide to deny their children–or their children’s schools–anything.

And feeling guilty is a hard habit to break.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

As a new mom, the first 12 months of baby’s life are a time of intense closeness. You’re connecting to another human being on a level you never knew possible. But you’re not just getting to know baby better. During those first 8,765.82 hours of your little one’s life, you will also see yourself, your partner and even the world in a whole new light. Read on for a few of the relatable discoveries every mom makes during baby’s first year. 

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

photo: Mikael Stenberg via Unsplash

1. You are capable of more than you ever thought possible.
Nothing tests the limits of your body and mind more than bringing a new baby into the world and experiencing his or her first year of life. Physically, you have been stretched to the max, as you’ve slept in one-hour increments and conquered the challenge of doing daily life with a 15-pound human on your hip. Mentally, at times your mind has felt like it’s spinning out of control as the “what ifs” swirl (What if I’m doing this all wrong? What if I’m not a good mom?).Then, at other times, it kicks those worries to the curb, reminding you of just how strong and amazing you are—mind, body and soul. 

2. Everyone is a baby expert.
If baby’s first year was an Oprah show, it would feel something like this: You get an opinion! And you get an opinion! Everyone gets an opinion! Seasoned moms and those without kids come out of the woodwork to give unsolicited advice to new moms. After baby’s first year, you know to take it for what it’s worth—a (hopefully!) well-intentioned suggestion, not law.

3. Moms need nap times, too.
We all know that nap time is essential for a happy, healthy baby. But moms know that it’s no less important for baby’s #1 caretaker. (Now, if only we could sleep like a…well, you know.)

photo: Christy Lynn Photography

4. Nothing lasts forever.
Some days you feel superhuman, able to carry a 20-pound car seat and 617 bags of groceries, but other days, your humanity—and all the emotions that come with it—hit harder than usual. If one moment you feel capable of conquering the world and the next minute all you can think of is crawling between the sheets, that makes you normal, not crazy. The fact that nothing lasts forever is a bittersweet reality of mom life, like not being able to use the bathroom alone for at least the next five or six years.

5. Baby poop isn’t that gross.
For that matter, neither is baby pee, spit-up or any other fluid that manages to make its way out of your baby’s orifices. How do we know? In baby’s first year of life, you do things that would have made pre-baby you cringe—things like putting your baby’s pacifier in your mouth to clean it after it hits the ground or wiping away snot or picking up chewed-and-spit-out food with your bare hand.

6. Change is a constant.
Life with a little one keeps you on your toes. As soon as you hit a groove with baby’s sleep routine, boom! A growth spurt or new tooth arrives. Or, as soon as you find out which foods your baby will eat (not just throw), those taste buds seem to change overnight. It’s all part of the growing process, for you and baby. 

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

photo: Christy Lynn Photography 

7. You need a village.
During pregnancy and pre-baby life, having a support system was nice. But during baby’s first year of life, it’s essential. For some, it means having friends and family to take charge of baby while you run errands. For others, it simply means connecting with a network of like-minded moms over social media while baby naps.

8. Every baby is different.
Your child will hit milestones at different times, prefer different toys, and have different sleeping and eating schedules than any other baby you know. And that’s okay. After all, you can’t help that your baby is better.

9. Your heart is infinitely expandable.
A baby’s heart doubles in size in the first year of life. A new mother’s heart feels that same stretch a hundred times over. During baby’s first 12 months, a mama’s heart is overwhelmed with fear and joy, worry and love. The emotions are real and raw. They have made you cry tears of desperation to get your baby to sleep, only to make you want to instantly wake him as soon as he drifts off. And, this is only the beginning.

10. Those cheesy parenting saying are true (mostly).
That quote about the days being short but the years long? Yep. True. That saying about having a baby meaning your heart forever walks around outside your body. True, too. Oh, but that one about “sleeping like a baby”? You can toss that one out with yesterday’s diapers.

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

—Suzanna Palmer

 

RELATED STORIES:

Your Must-Have Baby Gear

Hang in There: 25 Things New Moms Need to Hear

Advice to New Moms from Moms Who’ve Been There

13 Instagram Accounts for New Moms & Moms-to-Be to Follow Now

Girls know how to create stories on Instagram. They are experts at Snap streaks. They can run circles around us when it comes to using social media platforms to share photos and their highlight reel as well as self-promote. Yet, they do not always know the power and potential of their own voices.

When it comes to speaking up for what they want and need or advocating for social injustices, they hold back. There’s a global trend for growing girls: a loss of voice.

How can their competency shift from bolstered confidence on a screen to vanishing self-confidence when it comes to their own voices? Fear. The fear of being misunderstood, criticized or condemned or, worse yet, rejected or ostracized.

As girls will tell you, when they must choose between fitting in with the group’s consensus and standing out with an opinion their own, they’ll choose conformity over individuality every single time. Researcher Carol Gilligan calls this “psychological dissociation” whereby girls silence their voices or their knowledge of feelings, desires and opinions in order to stay connected in relationships.

Looking at the maturation and developmental process can give us insight as to why this happens. Around age 10, an interesting trend emerges, as the result of both biology and sociology. Being hard-wired to connect, girls seek out social bonds to feel safe and secure, to relieve stress and to gain social support. In the process, a sense of belonging becomes more vital for survival than honoring their own thoughts, feelings and opinions. Whether she’s connecting online or in-person, she can feel self-conscious or “weird” for having different beliefs and ideas. She’ll doubt her voice, hold back and say what others want her to say.

In my newest book Raising Girls’ Voices, I interviewed girls ranging in ages from eight to 23 years old. I gained insight into how they view themselves, what makes them feel strong and powerful and their opinions on school, friendship and social media. I learned they not only had a voice but they had a lot to say. They talked about their struggle of wanting to say what they truly thought yet feeling worried they’d risk judgment and exclusion.

Given her strong need to fit in and the fact she wants to talk, how do we teach girls they not only have a voice that matters, but the necessity of using her voice? Here are four ways to guide her as she realizes the potential and power of her voice:

Teach girls to listen to their inner voices.

In a busy, noisy, distracting world with so many competing interests, it can feel almost impossible to ask a growing girl to slow down let alone listen to her inner voice. Yet, we can teach her to take time for herself: to be still and quiet and yes, put down her device so she can attune to her voice.

Not the critical voice telling her what she should have said or done, telling herself she’s not good enough, reprimanding herself for a mistake or error in judgment, but the voice that urges her to keep going, to dare to dream and that shows her the way. A few minutes each day is all it takes.

Remind girls to trust their inner voices.

Most girls I know are filled with self-doubt and uncertainty. What’s it going to take to shift them away from asking us what we think of their decision to trusting herself enough to know what’s right for her? Trust takes time and experience. Girls need to know they have intuition and instincts, a sense or a feeling.

The best way to trust her inner knowing is to ask her questions without answering them for her. For instance, as her questions such as how she feels about the decision, what she thinks of how she was treated by her friend, or even, “When you first met the new girl, what was your impression of her?” These questions encourage self-reflection and redirect her away from approval seeking to self-trust. Over time they just know; they know because they’ve done this before.

Encourage girls to share their voices.

When girls share, they almost always feel relieved and normal. One thing I know about girls is this: they have stories—interesting stories—to tell and they long to offer their experiences. So often, they hold back, they give is the minimized version. “I had a good day.” They need so much encouragement to tell us more.

We can start with assuring her that what she has to say matters. Further, we can ensure she knows we will listen without interrupting or critiquing. Also, girls need to share their ideas and insights with other girls they trust. From my experience, sharing breaks down their natural tendency to compete and compare and builds up their depth of connection.

By being vulnerable, girls learn courage and empathy; they come to understand each other better and feel normal. It’s the “me too” experience in the most positive sense of the word and the embodiment of “we are more similar than we are different.”

Empower girls to use their voices.

Not every girl has this privilege. In fact, many are silenced—shut down, dismissed, disregarded. So, girls who can use their voices, should. This means standing up for themselves when they are mistreated and disrespected. At the same time, it means standing up for others who don’t yet have the confidence or the ability to self-advocate. The challenge is insecurity.

We need to give girls the power to stand strong in their beliefs and voice their opinions if they feel it’s right to do so, regardless of what others think. We can best empower her by first asking about her opinion and giving her time to get her words out and second, by listening. When we truly hear her and validate her thoughts, she comes to understanding her words matter and she grows more comfortable in expressing herself without over-explaining or apologizing.

Prompts to try can include: “I believe…,” “I think…,” “I agree because…” or “I disagree and here’s why…” This power is what then enables girls to think beyond their homes to create positive change and to begin to make the world a better place to live

In Enough As She is, Rachel Simmons writes this, “As little girls, they might be feisty and spirited, forceful and stubborn, but as the unwritten rules of young womanhood sink in, this once fierce voice becomes muted or even silent” (xv). Let’s challenge these “unwritten rules.” How? By guiding girls to listening to, trusting, share and use their voices. Girls need both the confidence to know their authentic voice matters and the inner strength and courage to raise their voices.

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

Sometimes my father sends me newspaper articles that align with my work as the coach of preteen girls. One morning his message seemed more urgent than usual. It began, “I listened to a radio show yesterday and found out that 90 percent of young girls have ‘little or no self esteem.’ I found that staggering!” 

I understood why he was so concerned—90 percent does seem “staggering”—but I wasn’t shocked. Most girls I know fluctuate between feeling “alright” about themselves to feeling absolutely terribly. Very few girls exude confidence or have a strongly rooted sense of self-esteem. They depend more on outward indicators of accomplishment, achievement and accolades than on inward practices of self-love, confidence and self-acceptance. Why are girls evaluating themselves so harshly?

The world has changed. If you step back, you’ll see we are surrounded by constant comparisons and competition and girls often fall prey to society’s tough standards. Look at the influx of reality shows, such as The Voice or American Idol, which operate on the basis of multiple rounds of harsh judgment. There are no marks for effort or the willingness to try. How can girls watch these types of shows and not feel the pressure to perform and fit in, or worse yet, decide not to bother trying at all?

The same holds true at school: it’s a ranking system based not on effort and attitude but results. Think of it from her persepective: Is school grading her skill development and her process or merely her ability to perform well on tests? Can she be proud of her efforts even if she doesn’t get straight As?

Then, there is girls’ obsession with, even addiction to, social media. It’s how girls are spending their time—up to 8 hours a day—it’s how they are gauging their self-worth, and it’s nothing but a numbers game. How many likes and followers do I have? How many comments do I get for my posts? Which pictures get the most likes or hearts? Girls learn very quickly that popularity on social media is not about the quality of her character, but rather the quantity of her posts.

If you are as concerned as I am about girls’ plummeting self-esteem let’s look at how to bolster more compassionate and realistic attitudes through healthy practices.

Look within.

Instead of falling prey to the comparison game, encourage her to honor her own uniqueness. Explain to her that looking at others and feeling “not good enough” is normal, but can be easily avoided by shifting her focus to her unique qualities and abilities. Create a list of ideas that could follow the prompt, “I am good enough because…” or the positive power statements that begin, “I am…” “I can…” and “I will…”

I often ask my clients to create a list called “10 Loveable Qualities About Me.” These written reminders can guide her to accentuate the positive and remember who she is. Self-esteem begins with herself.

Measure self-esteem in new ways.

Since we know girls are measuring their worth via attention on social media, why not find new metrics? First, ask her to be self-reflective. Instead of waiting for the approval (or rejection of others), ask her this simple question: “How do YOU feel you did on your math test or at soccer practice today?” “What do YOU think about your posts on Instagram?” Encourage her to take back her power by considering her opinion first and caring much less (if at all) about the opinion of others.

Second, try helping her shift her focus from what she looks like to the qualities of the person she wants to be. Yes, it’s important that she takes care of her body as a way to feel good. It’s also important that she feels good in ways that have more to do with true, inner beauty and less to do with physical, outer beauty. Have conversations about the values she feels she has and the values she wants to exude. Write out these values on a poster board and start gathering “evidence” or examples that supports when she demonstrates these values. If she feels she is kind, then under the word “kind” list examples like when she saves a seat on the bus for her friend or gives away her recess snack to someone who forgot hers. This activity can quickly become her new measure of her self-esteem.

Diversify.

I know girls believe that they are honing a valuable skill when they are creating stories on Instagram or learning how to use different filters. We have to teach them that as useful as these technical skills are, there are so many more skills that she should be learning and developing. Ask her to consider a skill related to fitness, music, nature and time outside or volunteering. This way, not only are we helping her get off her screen to live in real time, but we are also encouraging her to be well-rounded and to give back to her community.

Try a little self-compassion.

The kindness we show to ourselves, especially in moments of suffering, is the key to self-compassion. We are all going to have good days and bad days—that is the human experience. Instead of emphasizing achievement and outcome, which can be discouraging, we can guide girls to champion themselves for their efforts and all the ways they feel they are growing, regardless of outcomes.

For example, she might have a difficult conversation with her friend about how that friend made her feel left out. If the friend replies with, “I don’t care,” she can feel devastated. It’s in this moment that we can point out that even though she didn’t get the response she was hoping for, the real takeaway is that she had the courage to face difficulty head on. With self-compassion, she can say “I am proud of myself for expressing my true feelings.” It’s about progress, not perfection. It’s about noticing and celebrating the steps along the way, with all the kindness she can give herself.

Girls admitting that they have “little to no self-esteem” is heart-breaking. Let’s work together on lowering that 90 percent! Even with a clearer understanding of themselves and increased levels of self-esteem, I know that words can still hurt and images will still influence, but I believe that with practice and with our support, girls can stand tall and stay rooted in their own confidence and self-worth.

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

Photo: Pixabay

If we think we know a thing or two about life and love going into parenting, we realize the moment our child first rests in our arms just how shallow our roots of understanding. Which makes sense because the greatest path to knowing self is by coming to know who we are as a part of someone else.

And as a mom, fusing ourselves to the heartbeat of our kiddos is indescribable. While we learn a whole lot of good about the true meaning of love, our children also have an uncanny ability to point out massive flaws in our character. Thank God. Really, God, thank you.

Our kin become a perpetual mirror for us to gaze upon as they reflect back what we like about our self along with what needs some finishing touches. Since I’ve somehow managed to log 23 years of parenting three kids in like 20 seconds of real time, the length of journey allows me to ponder all the lessons learned. And let me tell you, the instruction is kinda sorta picking up steam as I steward young adults in their 20s. Fair warning.

So here are 36 beautiful lessons—based in part from Robert Fulghum’s poem, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten—we can glean from our precious ones, split into Act 1(birth to 12) and Act 2 (13+) of child rearing. Act 1: All the Insight Needed to Become Selfless Your Young Kids Will Teach You

  1. Cherish everything.
  2. Fight fair.
  3. Don’t compare yourself to others.
  4. Put everything into perspective.
  5. Worry about your own mess.
  6. Don’t expect others to see things the way you do.
  7. Say I love you. Always.
  8. Count to ten before anything.
  9. Pray.
  10. Trials and struggles enlighten you.
  11. Live a grateful life.
  12. Trust more, think less.
  13. And love and hug and listen and laugh.
  14. Speak, but also be.
  15. Make some time for you every day.
  16. When you feel like you’re alone on an island, know a million other parents share the same shore.
  17. Communicate, then succeed and fail together.
  18. Become a child once again.

Act 2: All the Insight Needed for Authentic Freedom Your Teens Will Teach You

  1. Let go of almost everything.
  2. Give up the fight.
  3. Don’t take things personally.
  4. Change your perspective.
  5. Stop worrying.
  6. Try to see things as others do.
  7. Love. Everything. Always.
  8. Count your blessings daily.
  9. Pray. Pray. Pray.
  10. Let yourself unfold.
  11. Live simply and simply live.
  12. Be more open-minded.
  13. And observe and breathe and be and become.
  14. Project less.
  15. Love yourself each day.
  16. When you feel like you’ve done nothing right, pause and turn to God for His opinion.
  17. Communicate by listening first, speaking if necessary, extending Grace always.
  18. Embrace the dichotomy of life.

Witnessing the chaos, magnificence, unpredictability, grand metamorphoses of all things ‘growing up’ reminds us how much we need to unlearn as adults to become like little children once again.

The joys of motherhood speak for themselves, but it’s in the messy pile where we find our authentic self.

The gift of motherhood full of collateral beauty we never signed up for and receive anyway: freedom to unfold and become the best version of ourselves right alongside our kids.

What a blessing.

A self-described “sappy soul whisperer/sarcasm aficionado,” Shelby is a wife of 27 years & mom of three millennials. She co-authored How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don't need to say, "I'm fine.") Her stories are in print at Guideposts, online at sites like Her View From Home and Parenting Teens & Tweens, and at shelbyspear.com. Get 3 FREE chapters of Shelby's book