ML Interest Tag: pain

SNL’s ‘I Got a Robe’ Sketch Will Forever Be a Mom Holiday Anthem

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Kristen Wiig’s 2020 sketch will live on forever

Don’t forget about mom this holiday season. Saturday Night Live host Kristen Wiig highlighted what Christmas morning really looks like for some moms, in a sketch that went almost instantly viral when it aired in 2020 because it was so on point. In the sketch, Wiig gets woken up early by her kids, played by Kyle Mooney and Chloe Fineman. 

Her kids and husband begin revealing all of their gifts, and mom, well… she doesn’t have much.

Mooney sings about receiving a Nerf gun, Hulk hands, a drum set, and a telescope. Fineman gets a hat, a phone, and a copy of Catcher in the Rye. Wiig’s husband, played by Beck Bennett, gets a signed baseball bat, a laptop, and a tie. And mom gets a… robe.

The song continues with the family listing off more and more presents, including the piano from Big. Wiig thanks her family (rather unconvincingly) for the robe, which she suddenly notices was also on sale. 

While making breakfast, Wiig emerges from the kitchen with a dishrag over her hand letting her family know she burned herself. “It hurt pretty bad, but I didn’t even scream/because I keep the pain inside of me,” she raps.

When it looks like there might just be some extra presents for her after all, the kids and dad announce, “It’s presents for the dog!” The dog opens all of his gifts, which include a bone, treats, and, why yes, even his own robe. 

Once they’ve finished tearing through the stacks, the family squeezes onto the couch for a holiday selfie, in which Wiig looks like a wreck because she’s been up all night making Christmas magical for her family. 

As the sketch ends, an exhausted Wiig is sitting alone on the couch holding a glass of red wine. “Your mom does everything for your family,” says a voice-over. “This year get her more than one present. Moms like stuff, too.”

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I Gave Everything I Had to My Kids—and It Was Too Much

By Tabitha Yates

“You can be an amazing mom, a great partner, a supportive sibling, a kind daughter, a competent coworker, a good friend, and an amazing individual”

I have spent my whole life setting myself on fire to keep everyone around me warm—sacrificing my time, emotional energy, and, quite often, my well-being and sanity for other people. It certainly wasn’t ingrained in me to do this just in motherhood. Oh no, it started far before children, when I was a kid myself. I learned to wipe my own tears, stuff down my feelings and do what was right for everyone… everyone but me.

Due to this self-sacrificing nature that my childhood demanded, I developed a trigger about taking time for myself away from my children. I was so determined not to make them put their needs aside like I had to do, that I didn’t take care of myself at all. Like seriously at all. I hated the term “self-care.” I couldn’t relate to moms who went out without their kids, literally ever. I had two pedicures in seven years, and my daughter was with me both times. I was so afraid of not being there for everyone and not taking care of my kids in the way they deserved that I held myself to an impossible standard—never allowing myself a break.

I was quite willing to happily sacrifice my last ounce of sanity and self to parenthood. Sure, I was burned out, but they were worth it, and I felt that was what I needed to do to be the best mother possible. I am sure I did a fabulous job taking care of my family, my kids, and my friends. But my skill set in no way involved how to take care of myself and my mental health. Not only did I not know how to set healthy boundaries, but also how not to feel bad about setting them.

What does this slow burn look like for me through the rest of adulthood? I spend all my time fixing people’s problems, absorbing the pain and anxiety of others, giving out advice, and competing for the title of “Most Dependable Human Being, Friend, Daughter, Wife, and Mother.” It means I put my needs on the back burner, thinking I’ll get back around to some form of self-care at some point. And guess what? It never happens. I have given up my health, my peace, my joy, my comfort, and even my safety to keep everyone around me happy.

Then finally, this past year, after a lifetime of pouring out all I had and everything I was, and after almost 10 years of mothering in the same way, I broke down. Not just an “I need a break” kind of meltdown but a complete and total realization that I had to change how I looked at everything to sustain being a good parent and person.

I realized having healthy boundaries doesn’t make me a bad person. I am now learning to listen to my gut when it tells me that I’ve had enough of something and that I need to take a break or step back. Continuing to be a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend can only happen if I give myself permission to help when I can and to stop when I can’t. It means I recognize that I can assist in others’ journeys without feeling like I have to do the work for them. I can care without carrying everyone else’s burdens.

I have always viewed sacrifice as the mother of all virtues, and listen, as a mom, I think most of the time it is a virtue. My kids are my No. 1 priority and I will never put myself before them, but I learned a very important thing about self-care in the last year. Taking care of yourself isn’t just saying “me first,” it’s also saying, “Hey! My health and my well-being matter as much as yours, and being the best mom that I can be requires some breaks and resets sometimes.”

You can be an amazing mom, a great partner, a supportive sibling, a kind daughter, a competent coworker, a good friend, and an amazing individual. You can give to others without it always being to your detriment. You can meet others’ needs without completely abandoning your own.

Taking care of yourself also means you want nothing more than to help your children chase their dreams while running right alongside them, chasing yours as well.

 

The Redeemed Mama is a writer who had had articles published by The Today Show, Love What Matters, The Mighty, Faithit, For Every Mom, The Creative Child Magazine and more. She has 3 beautiful kids and resides in Southern Arizona and loves writing about parenting, life and growth!

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If I’m Being Honest, Sometimes I Want to Give Up on This Marriage

By Whitney Fleming

Sometimes I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo.

Sometimes I want to give up on the stability, the memories, the relationship built over 22 years. Sometimes I want to leave the man who gets frustrated too easily or often doesn’t see the world the way I do or still leaves the toilet seat up upon occasion. Sometimes I crave a simpler life, one without conflict or obligation or concessions.

Because sometimes marriage is just hard, too hard to see through to the end.

The smiling woman in the photo is not the same person at 44 as she was when she met this man at 22. She is hardened and jaded and often feels broken. She shows more compassion to those in pain because she also suffers, yet sometimes she forgets to dispense empathy to those closest to her. She puts others’ needs before hers because that is simply what mothers do—although sometimes she resents it. She loves hard and full and fierce, but sometimes she wonders if that is enough.

Sometimes I want to give up on this marriage—and I’m not sure what stops me.

Certainly, it is the three young faces that stare back at me over the family dinner table. It may be the fear of living a life without a partner. Perhaps it is the complication of separating two intertwined lives or the thought that the grass is always greener on the other side.

It would not be uncommon or unusual. Many friends entering mid-life echo my sentiments, struggling to keep their marriages afloat, some with more success than others. I’ve watched couples disintegrate before my eyes because of tragedy or betrayal, and other unions slowly rip at the seams because two people grew apart or sought different lives.

So, sometimes, when I want to give up, I look—I mean really look—at the pictures of us. I see the multitude of lines that adorn our faces, the result of so much joy and laughter shared between two souls. Each smile reminds me that we overcame the pain of miscarriages and infertility and deaths and illnesses only because of the strength of the other. The sight of us touching reminds me of the thousands of embraces we’ve shared over two decades and how when he reaches back to grab my hand in a crowd, it still takes my breath away.

And I look into his eyes, and I see that he is still the most decent man I have ever known.

Sometimes marriage is hard, harder than maybe it should be. Giving up may be logical, easier, or sometimes even the right thing to do.

Sometimes I want to give up on this man, but not today.

Because although I’m in the season of marriage that is difficult and exhausting and hard, in these pictures and in this life, there is always a new reason to fall in love with him all over again if I look hard enough.

So, in those times when I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo, I am reminded that for our marriage “joy cometh in the morning,” as it always does.

As I hope it always will.

Whitney is a freelance writer, social media manager and blogger at Playdates on Fridays, where she discusses family, relationships and w(h)ine. She is an expert in carpool logistics, coffee and making to-go dinners for her family to eat in the minivan. She resides in the suburbs of Chicago with her three tween daughters, husband and her dog that acts more like a cat, Jax.

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The Benefits of Pre & Postnatal Massage

By Gudrun Snyder, D.Ac., MSAc, LAc,

Massage therapy involves the manipulation of muscles and other soft tissues of the body to relieve pain and heal injuries. Both pre-natal and postpartum massage help to relieve muscle soreness, manage stress and anxiety, and improve sleep quality. At Moon Rabbit, we encourage both moms-to-be and new moms to schedule pre- and postnatal massages; not only do they feel great, but they are also good for you and your baby’s health. Here are a few benefits to both pre and postnatal massage therapy.

The Benefits of Pre-Natal Massage

1. Relieves nerve and muscle pain. Many women experience joint pain during pregnancy. Prenatal massage therapy focuses on inflamed nerves by helping release tension in nearby muscles. This also improves blood circulation, reducing the swelling of the joints during pregnancy by stimulating soft tissue and decreasing fluid build-up around the joints. Additionally, improved blood flow helps the body’s lymphatic system (part of the circulatory and immune systems) work more efficiently by assisting in the removal of toxins and tissue waste. Along with joint pain, prenatal massage therapy can help reduce neck and back pain including sciatica, edema (swelling of the feet), and leg cramping.

2. Provides stress and anxiety relief. Studies have shown that prenatal massage helps to increase serotonin and dopamine—two of our happy, feel-good hormones—while decreasing stress hormones like cortisol and norepinephrine. Prenatal massage improves overall relaxation and health, including decreased depression and anxiety. A study including women who received bi-weekly massages for only five weeks, results showed reduced levels of cortisol and norepinephrine, as well as increased levels of dopamine and serotonin. Especially during a woman’s second and third trimester of pregnancy when women are typically most uncomfortable and in need of relief, prenatal massage can act as an effective tool to ensuring mental and physical comfort.

3. Improves labor outcomes and newborn health. The positive changes in hormone levels also lead to fewer complications during birth and less instances of birth complications, such as low birth weight. This strongly suggests that there are maternal and newborn health benefits when prenatal massage is included into regular prenatal care. In a study focusing on labor pain, women who were treated with prenatal massage therapy experienced significantly lower pain levels and their labors were on average three hours shorter with less need for medication. Additional evidence shows that massage can decrease carpal tunnel syndrome during pregnancy.

The Benefits of Postnatal / Postpartum Massage:

1. Improves lactation. One of the causes of the disruption of breastfeeding is the decrease in milk production. Postpartum massage has been shown to increase levels of prolactin, the main hormone involved in lactation. Relaxation in the chest muscles opens the shoulders, improving lactation; postpartum massage not only relieves breast pain, but also decreases sodium levels and improves newborn suckling. Studies determining the effectiveness of postnatal massage have shown that postpartum mothers experienced a significant positive effect on the production of prolactin, easing the sometimes emotionally and physically taxing process of breastfeeding.

2. Improves recovery time of uterus. “After pains” consist of the uterine contractions experienced after the delivery of the placenta. These contractions serve to restore the uterus to its pre-pregnant state and can be uncomfortable—hence, the name. Fundal massage is a uterine massage technique used by medical professionals to help the uterus go back to its usual size. Additionally, abdominal massage has been found to benefit mothers by encouraging uterine involution, the process of the uterus returning to its pre-pregnant state, and the expelling of lochia (postpartum bleeding).

3. Decreases stress and improves sleep. It’s common to feel exhausted after giving birth and especially as mothers take care of their newborns. Postnatal massage can ease fatigue, encourage relaxation, and improve quality of sleep. Research indicates that postnatal massage helped sleep quality among women who suffered from postpartum insomnia. Sixty postpartum women reporting poor sleep quality were randomly assigned to an intervention group (undergoing massage therapy) or a control group (no massage therapy). Those assigned to the intervention group reported significantly better sleep quality.

Both prenatal and postpartum massage benefit the mental and physical well-being of new mothers and their newborns. Keep these benefits in mind when scheduling pre and postnatal massage appointments can help ensure a more comfortable, manageable pregnancy and postpartum journey.

Gudrun Snyder, D.Ac., MSAc, LAc,
Tinybeans Voices Contributor
Gudrun Snyder is the founder of Moon Rabbit Acupuncture, a holistic health practice in Chicago. Snyder instills a “whole body” approach to health and wellness that focuses on the body as an interconnected whole, developing custom treatments rather than limiting treatment to one small ache or pain.
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The Stress of Parenting Turned Me into a Perfectionist—and It Almost Killed Me

By Amy Jorgensen

It happened just today. I woke up fine. It was a beautiful day and I was ready to conquer it!

Breakfast. Check. Water flowers. Check. Get out deck furniture. Check. Laundry washed. Check. Check. Check. Make lunch. Check. Shower and get ready. Check. Read a self-help book. Check. And then the paralysis snuck in.

Somewhere between being exhausted and overwhelmed with all I “should” be doing was me—pinned between the two emotions so suddenly I couldn’t move. I was angry. Frustrated. And as time passed, the shame settled in.

The kids were watching a movie on a beautiful summer day. Bad Mom.

I have a million things that need to be organized and cleaned. Lazy.

I could be reading or writing or learning something. Weak. Apply something you’ve learned! I kept shouting in my head. But I wasn’t sure what I had learned. Have I learned anything to help me deal with this? What is this? Anxiety? The depression? Did I let the bad thoughts in? I was supposed to control those. Should I call someone? How could I bother anyone? Who would I call? Everyone is working. Everyone is busy. And I’m not. I’m lying here—pinned.

I’m doing nothing. Lazy. Weak. Bad. And here I am. Beginning. All. Over. Again. I was reminded of how fragile I am. It was OK to be fragile a couple of months ago when I finally started seeing a therapist after episodes that included suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I was fighting for my life then; I was fighting for my family. I had to be gentle with myself. Forgiving.

It was OK that I didn’t cook dinner, that I did nothing but breathe all day long. It was OK to take a nap and let the kids watch too much TV. It was OK that we ate Hot Pockets too often and spent money we didn’t have on fast food. It was OK that the house was a constant mess. It was OK.

But somehow since then, as I slowly started to clean more, slowly began to make meals instead of heating them up, slowly started to do a little more than just breathe, I fell back into being a perfectionist. I began expecting more of myself. I began thinking I was OK because I was doing more.

But Brene Brown emphasizes that perfectionism isn’t the same thing as striving for excellence. “Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame,” she says. “Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”

I can’t even express how well this describes me! I don’t want to be weak, lazy or bad, not to mention all the other unkind shaming thoughts that race through my mind. So I use the little strength I have left to lift that giant shield up to cover the fragile me. The shield of having a perfectly clean house. The shield of making breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one day. The shield of having the laundry done and put away. The shield of devouring self-help books that give an illusion of healing. The shield of being organized. On and on. The shield is heavy. No wonder I become exhausted so quickly.

No wonder I am pinned down and frustrated with my own weakness and fragility.

I can’t hold it up for long anymore. And trying to has made me weaker and weaker. You see, I have been on this journey of growth for over a year now. I started writing almost every day and I read books by the best on becoming whole, better, happier. I became more organized with Marie Kondo and started a bullet journal to track and remember everything. I set goals and accomplished them. I spent time serving, being with family and with friends.

My journey and the understanding I gained are documented through these beautiful books and methods and habits, but I was missing something vital. I had unknowingly used all the wonderful things I had learned and added them to my shield. And oh, how it grew.

My shield was big, shiny, and clean. Witty and nice. It was helpful and willing. It showed up for everything, said yes, agreed, allowed. Performed. Damn. It was like Captain Freaking America’s shield. And oh how well I carried that shield. But under it was me. Just me. Amy. And Amy, although master at yielding fancy shields, was deeply tired. She was small.

The shield did its job well. She wasn’t seen; she wasn’t heard. People admired that shield. They enjoyed it. They loved it. So she believed she needed it, that they wouldn’t love and admire her without it. She had put so much work into creating it, but one day she was so exhausted that it came down. And frightened, fragile Amy couldn’t lift it back up.

There was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. And the shame and the pain swarmed. And there I was, beginning, again. And today, as I set that pretty shield back down on the ground, I am beginning, again. It is time for me—not my shield—to grow.

*If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, get help right away by calling your mental health specialist or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor.

Originally published June 2020. This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

RELATED LINKS
I Know Why You’re Exhausted
I Gave Everything I Had to My Kids—and It Was Too Much
Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.

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Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

By Sarah Fumero

You might call it the “D” word—divorce. Many children are blessed to be overwhelmingly loved by two caring adults who are able to cohesively co-parent. Then there are some children, like my own, who are not only left in turmoil but are also left with an absentee parent.

The father of my first two children could be summed up as a slow-motion train wreck. There is too much to go into great detail about, but his biggest flaw is choosing to be the equivalent of a distant cousin as opposed to a father: going weeks and even months without contact, missing birthday phone calls and falling about two years behind on child support payments.

Seeing the heartache on my children’s faces prompted me to become the Queen Mother of Overcompensation. I now had to step into their father’s shoes. I had to make up for all that he was screwing up.

At first, it was harmless: trying to make sure I fulfilled every wish on the birthday and Christmas list. I mean, how couldn’t I? How could I make his lack of financial or emotional help be the fault of a child?

Next came the emotional compensation, choosing to ignore problematic behaviors simply because of the pain the kids were feeling due to the loss of a family unit. I can remember the day my then-third grader leveled a classroom following an angry encounter with his teacher. I remember being terribly embarrassed and expressing that to every faculty member in view, but moments later, taking him for ice cream to talk it out.

I was afraid of being the “bad parent.” That if my children saw me put my foot down, they would hate me. I feared they would want and long for the one who wouldn’t even take the time to pick up the phone to return a call. I had to be all they needed wrapped in one. Believe it or not, I needed their love during this difficult time as much as they needed mine. I was afraid to parent my own children.

As I continued this path of destruction, I slowly began to realize that my pattern of enabling them was like putting scotch tape on a leaky pipe; sooner or later, that tape slides off, and the real problem bursts through. The gifts and the ice cream didn’t stop the anger and only calmed the raging storms. The phone calls from school didn’t stop. The ADD/ADHD diagnosis came next, which led to bigger, more underlying issues being discovered. My children were in pain, and no toy could fix that. More needed to be done!

I had to recognize my own toxic behavior in being my children’s enabler. The naysayers were right—they needed love, yes—but they also need guidance and a strong mother who stood firm in her decisions and who wouldn’t waffle at their whimpering. They needed a mother who was confident enough to know that she could never fully fill the void of their absent father.

I also had to acknowledge that I, too, was in pain. Divorce is never easy for children, but for the parties who vowed to spend the rest of their lives together, it was devastating. I cried myself to sleep some nights, afraid to face the world as something I never wanted to be. I was now a single mother and, most of all, alone. Loneliness eats away at you, and I longed to fill the void.

As these thoughts came rushing over me, I realized what I was doing to myself. Trying to overcompensate for someone who couldn’t care less was like ordering a Big Mac with a Diet Coke—it made no sense. I was an emotional wreck and I was passing that disease to my own children. I had to make a choice. I had to decide if I wanted to continue to fill the emotional loss with worthless items or if I wanted to help my children heal.

I wanted them to heal, so I had to hold myself and them accountable for our poor choices.

Part of that process meant allowing my children to talk it out with someone other than myself. The school counselors were amazing in this transition; my boys opened up and let them into their safe zone. They were given strategies to deal with anger and to calm themselves. They began talking more about missing their father and how it made them feel that he rarely fulfilled his role. While these were steps in the right direction, the healing process takes time. We continue to take it step by step and remember that we are in it together.

I know that we are not all lucky enough to have the perfect co-parenting scenario, though that’s what we all want for our children. In the event that we don’t get that happy ending, understanding that we are in charge of guarding our children’s emotional healing—and proceeding carefully and responsibly—is key.

Originally published January 2019.

RELATED LINKS
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

I am just regular mom of three wonderful boys and a married to the love of my life! I hope to reach people through writing and expressing my true experiences. My goal is to help a parent realize that no matter the struggle, they are not alone in the journey! 

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Saved by a Dog Named Stormy

by Kurstin Christie

Like so many children, my son’s interest in dogs started when he was young. The excitement he felt when he saw a dog resulted in squeals of delight and eventually evolved into begging, pleading and being the number one present on his wish list. As animal lovers ourselves, my husband, Eric, and I started seriously weighing the pros and cons of getting a dog. Eric was all for it, but juggling a career, family and everyday responsibilities already had my head spinning. Adding a dog into the mix seemed like it would push our family into further chaos. 

On September 7, my husband died unexpectedly. Nothing could have prepared me for the heartbreak, fear and grief that followed. My loss wasn’t the worst of it. The most gut-wrenching pain comes from seeing my son experiencing the same feelings. In a day, our world was turned upside down, and there was nothing I could do about it. 

Suddenly, our once vibrant home was too quiet. The void left by my husband’s absence was immeasurable and undeniable. My son buried himself in his iPad and me in my phone. He played Roblox, while I mindlessly scrolled through Instagram. 

One day, four months later, my son said, “You know, dad promised me a dog when I turned 9.” Gulp. This was a pivotal moment. What do I do with that information? I was just learning how to navigate life as a newly single parent. That alone was overwhelming. And to adopt a dog in the mix? I was at a fork in the road, and I didn’t know what to do. My son had been so closed off since he lost his father. I closed my eyes, took a breath and told my son we were adopting a dog. 

He beamed with excitement as we drove to pick up our new pet while I tried to manage the self-doubt and panic running through my head. It all happened so fast. We pulled up to the house, I signed the paperwork, put the dog in the carrier and was back on the 405-freeway heading home. In less than 30 minutes, Stormy joined our family. 

I was so focused on the added responsibility of owning a dog that I never considered the precious moments Stormy would bring. I didn’t realize how much she would help us emotionally. My son and I traded screen time for playing on the floor. We attended training classes together. We were so proud when Stormy learned her name. We laughed to tears when she stole chicken off the kitchen table. We feel so much love for her when she shows us she misses us by pulling our clothes downstairs to a certain spot.  

I’ve watched my son become more confident because of Stormy. He’s more comfortable talking to people who want to pet her and has learned it’s important to think about someone other than yourself. For me, her snuggles calm me, and her daily walks get me outside, no matter how low I’m feeling. What can I say? I’m happy I threw caution to the wind and listened to my son. We needed Stormy. I’m a convert: and 100% certain that dogs are worth it.   

Stormy celebrated her 2nd birthday this month. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share with our readers? We’d love to hear it! Sign up to contribute your story on our Voices Network.

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6 Things I Wish I Had Known about Breastfeeding before Giving Birth

By Monica Greco

Editor’s Note: Here at Tinybeans, we respect and celebrate every mom’s feeding journey. Bottle? Boob? It doesn’t matter—we believe fed is best. Our Voices Contributor Network is inclusive and open to all parenting journeys—yours, too!

I always pictured my babies to be breastfed. I used to see breastfeeding as this natural and spontaneous thing that both my wife and I were going to experience (my wife carried our first child, I carried the second). I never even considered the scenario where our children would be bottle-fed. Yet, life had different plans: our first daughter ended up being bottle-fed, and I really struggled during the first few weeks of breastfeeding with our second daughter.

What my wife and I experienced with breastfeeding really taught me a lot. I’d love to share with you a list of 6 things I wish I had known about breastfeeding when my wife was still pregnant, before either of us had babies. Had I known these things, I think we could have better prepared mentally for what was coming and avoided so much stress and pain.

1. Breastfeeding does not come naturally. Not always, at least! All those stories of women happily and seamlessly breastfeeding soon after birth are not the norm. The first time I breastfed my daughter I was being stitched up due to a tear during vaginal delivery and the latch hurt like hell. It did not come naturally and it took me several days, a session with a lactation consultant and several midwives showing me how to do it, before I could finally say I got how to hold my baby while breastfeeding.

2. There are multiple positions that you can use to breastfeed your baby. Holding your baby in your arms across your belly, supported by a feeding pillow, is not the only position to breastfeed you baby in! That is the classic “cradle hold” position we are used to seeing in pictures of breastfeeding moms, but it’s not the only one. I was shocked to find out how many different breastfeeding positions there are.

My wife had big breasts and a c-section, so she was shown the “rugby ball hold” When it was my turn, I was struggling with very sore nipples and a midwife must have shown me at least 3 other different positions to try and relieve the pain. Then my lactation consultant showed me the “reclined feeding” position, which totally worked for me and saved my poor nipples. There’s no one right way to breastfeed your baby, you just need to find the one that works for you.

3. It’s important to know of a lactation consultant before you give birth. When my wife gave birth to our first daughter, we didn’t know the importance of seeing a lactation consultant to help us with breastfeeding. It took us several days of struggles, with my wife experiencing extremely engorged breasts before we finally got in touch with one. What we learned from the first appointment with her was priceless. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough and we ended up bottle feeding our baby. But it sure came back in handy with our second child a couple of years later.

When I gave birth to our second daughter and I started experiencing sore nipples we didn’t hesitate one bit and went to see her straight away. I really wish we had known about the benefits of seeing a lactation consultant from the start. Who knows, maybe our journey with our first daughter could have been different.

4. Skipping or delaying feeding is never a good idea. My second daughter was a few weeks old and we were out at a Christmas parade. She started showing signs of hunger, but the wind was blowing and it was so cold: I didn’t feel like feeding her in the open air. So, I decided to walk all the way to the car and feed her there: she was screaming at the tops of her lungs, poor thing. The walking soon turned into running.

By the time I got to the car and fed her, one of my breasts was so huge and hard! That’s when I learnt that skipping or delaying feeding can cause plugged milk ducts, which can subsequently lead to mastitis. I was lucky enough to avoid mastitis, but it took me quite a few days of massaging a very sore breast to get the plugged duct to drain completely.

5. It can take up to five days for your milk to come. I had no idea it could take that long so, when I was at day four postpartum, and all I could see was colostrum, I started panicking. I was so afraid I wasn’t going to produce enough milk and I spend so much time trying to hand express under the shower. Milk eventually came on day five. I really wish I had known better and relaxed a bit more during those first few days after birth.

6. It’s not the end of the world if you can’t breastfeed. When my wife and I came to the realization that she could not breastfeed it was devastating. We really wanted our baby to be breastfed. We didn’t really prepare for any other option. But what we soon realised was that bottle-feeding her was not going to be that tragic. On the contrary, we ended up loving the fact that I could also be more involved with feeding and we could share the night load.

Looking back, it was silly of us to react the way we did. It is definitely not the end of the world if you can’t breastfeed. Whether it’s because of some medical reason, or because it’s just too hard and is not working for you, it’s okay to stop. You can still have a perfectly healthy and happy baby!

—Monica Greco, conqueringmotherhood.com

Feature photo: Brytny.com on Unsplash

Monica is the proud mom of two beautiful girls and author of the blog Conquering Motherhood. Here she shares tips, suggestions and recommendations on how to have the best pregnancy and birth experience, as well as how to survive the first year of motherhood.

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Demystifying Endometriosis

By Dr. Alan Lindemann

Endometriosis is an often painful disease that is estimated to affect more than 6.5 million women throughout the United States. It causes tissue similar to that which normally lines the uterus—the endometrium—to grow outside of the uterus, with symptoms that may include excessive menstrual cramps, abnormal or heavy menstrual flow, and painful intercourse.

Endometriosis usually affects the ovaries, the tissue lining the pelvis, and the fallopian tubes. The endometrium outside of the uterus thickens, breaks down, and bleeds—as it would in the uterus—during menstrual cycles. Endometriosis can result in cysts, scars, and adhesions that cause pelvic tissues and organs to stick together. Endometriosis causes pain and problems; however, endometriosis growths are not cancerous.

It is estimated that 11% of women ages 15-44 in the United States have endometriosis. Especially common among women in their 30s and 40s, it can make getting pregnant difficult, potentially causing infertility.

Though you can’t prevent endometriosis, there are some things you can do to reduce your chances of getting it. These include ensuring that any hormonal birth control you are taking has low doses of estrogen, avoiding excessive consumption of alcohol and caffeine, and exercising regularly.

As an obstetrician, I’ve delivered more than 6,000 babies, some to women who had endometriosis. Endometriosis is a somewhat mysterious disease that, if left untreated, can prevent women from getting pregnant. Being informed about endometriosis is key in detecting and treating this disease that is debilitating for many.

Q: How does endometriosis get triggered in the body?

A: Over the years there have been various explanations. The generally accepted answer is that endometriosis is spread by retrograde menstrual flow. This means that at least some of the menstrual flow goes backward, up the fallopian tubes and out into the tissue surrounding the ovaries, instead of down and out the uterus. Why this would happen is unknown; however, it is widely believed that a predisposition for endometriosis is hereditary. So, if your mother or your grandmother had it, you may get it, too,

Q: What happens if endometriosis is left untreated?

A: Endometriosis can cause pelvic structures to adhere to each other. There are different courses endometriosis could take if left untreated. Infertility and pain are among the first symptoms. The disease can eventually cause ureters (the tubes bringing urine from the kidneys to the bladder) to close, possibly ending in kidney failure. This is why it’s important to diagnose and treat endometriosis as soon as you can.

Q: What are the early symptoms of endometriosis?

A: Pain would most often be an early symptom, but there is not always a correlation between abdominal pain and the degree of endometriosis. Some women with the most severe endometriosis have no symptoms, while others with minimal endometriosis have debilitating pain. Other symptoms include painful intercourse, infertility, bleeding between periods, gastrointestinal issues, and lower back pain.

Q: Can you have a healthy pregnancy and birth with this condition?

A: Pregnancy can occur with endometriosis. Sometimes surgery and anti-hormone medications such as Lupron can help with pregnancy. The issue of whether endometriosis interferes with pregnancy hasn’t been resolved. Some say up to 80% of pregnancies in people with endometriosis result in miscarriage (loss of pregnancy before 20 weeks). Other studies indicate miscarriage is more frequent with early endometriosis. Still others have concluded there isn’t an increased rate at all. The definitive study has yet to be done.

It’s important not to suffer in silence if you are experiencing the symptoms of endometriosis. Your doctor can help you find treatment, and potentially reverse infertility. If you are having excessive menstrual cramps, painful intercourse, or bleeding between periods, be sure to seek medical advice as soon as possible. Many women who have experienced this disease continue to live happy healthy lives. You are not alone.

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

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