It can be easy to tell ourselves all sorts of things about our kids: we were once in their shoes, we’ve been there before, and we know how it feels—all of this is true. It’s also true we didn’t grow up in a tech-driven world, so while we as parents might worry about our kids falling victim to schoolyard taunts and teasing, because of the vast amount of time our children spend connected with digital devices nowadays, our attention needs to shift from in-person bullying to cyberbullying.

What is cyberbullying? Simply defined, cyberbullying is any kind of bullying behavior that’s perpetrated or experienced via digital and Internet-connected devices—smartphones, computers, or tablets. From harassing text messages to manipulation and extortion, kids and teens today are increasingly at risk of being bullied online and because parents and teachers may not overhear or see various types of cyberbullying when it happens, it can be difficult to detect and address.

“For lots of parents who were kids in the 1980s, we think bullying is whatever happened at school translated to online. The reality of cyberbullying is much more complex and the spectrum of abuse more broad than schoolyard bullying,” said Yaron Litwin, Digital Safety Expert & Chief Marketing Officer at Canopy, a leading AI solution to combat harmful online content for kids and teens.

According to a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, 46% of teens ages 13 to 17 reported they have experienced some form of online bullying or harassment. The problem is especially acute for girls, who reported marginally higher incidents of online abuse and harassment compared to boys.

And, with children’s increasingly easy access to digital technologies, cyberbullying is taking an enormous toll on their mental, emotional, and physical health, according to Stop Bullying.Gov, an anti-bullying resource from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. While all U.S. states have laws requiring schools to respond to bullying, the laws in many states are still playing catch up to address the prevalence of cyberbullying. For parents, understanding the different forms of cyberbullying that kids and teens can experience is an important first step to help protect them from online harassment and abuse.

Related: What to Do When Your Kid Wants a Social Media Account

Here are 10 types of cyberbullying kids and teens may experience:

Spamming: As the name suggests, cyberbullying via spam is designed to inundate an intended target with unwanted text messages, e-mails, pictures, or videos—delivered through SMS, e-mail, or app inboxes like Snapchat or Instagram. By overwhelming bullying victims’ inboxes, cyberbullies make their abuse difficult to ignore.

Trolling: Some cyberbullies operate by posting intentionally provocative or offensive comments, images, or videos to elicit reactions from others. An online troll baits others into confrontation or conflict, which prompts the troll’s bullying behavior.

Catfishing: Creating fake social media profiles or accounts allows a catfishing cyberbully to pretend to be someone else. This tactic can be used to lure a bullying victim into a conversation or used to spread rumors or post negative content about someone.

Harassment: This can include sending threatening or intimidating messages, posting hurtful or untruthful comments on social media or online forums, and repeatedly sending unwanted messages or requests as a way to harass or abuse someone.

Exclusion: In the same way that kids and teens can be excluded in real life, exclusion in digital spaces can include being left out of group chats, conversations, or events.

Stalking: This involves repeatedly sending messages, following someone online, or gathering information about them with the intention of making them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

Outing: Kids and teens may share personal and secret information with friends, but when private information is weaponized by sharing it online without consent and with the intention to embarrass or humiliate, it becomes cyberbullying.

Doxxing: Similar to outing, doxxing involves posting personal information, such as someone’s home address or phone number, without consent and for the expressed purpose of causing or encouraging harm or abuse.

Swatting: Swatting is an extreme form of harassment when a bully makes a false report of a serious crime, such as a hostage or active shooter situation, to send a SWAT team or other law enforcement officers to a targeted location. Swatting is a dangerous and illegal prank that has resulted in injury and even death.

Extortion: Digital extortion is a form of cybercrime where a perpetrator threatens to release sensitive or embarrassing information about the victim unless a ransom is paid. This information can include personal photos or videos, financial information, or even passwords. Digital extortion is a growing problem, especially among kids and teens. This is because young people are more likely to share personal information online and may not be as aware of the risks involved.

Technology continues to evolve rapidly, and cyberbullies have taken advantage, using apps like Snapchat’s disappearing messages to harass without evidence. As applications and tools powered by artificial intelligence make online impersonation easier, here are a few tips that parents can employ to help protect their kids from different types of cyberbullying:

dad talking with his son about types of cyberbullying
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Stay engaged: While it’s easy to become overly protective, it’s important to maintain the right balance between giving kids and teens the privacy they deserve and knowing everything about their online activities. Look out for changes in behavior and be proactive about knowing what’s happening with your child’s friend group.

Ask questions: Although it may be uncomfortable for both parent and child, it’s important to ask questions about what’s going on in your kid’s digital life. What kinds of interactions are they having online? What apps, services, and websites are they frequently using?

Use technology: Oftentimes, kids’ facility with technology exceeds that of their parents. It’s important for parents not to relinquish total control of access to digital devices to their children. There are monitoring apps and services that can help protect kids and families from unwanted harassment and abuse online. 

According to Canopy’s Litwin, “Combating cyberbullying requires a mix of AI and PI—artificial intelligence and parental intelligence.”

Related: Having the Tough Talk about Cyberbullying with Your Kids

We all remember what it felt like to be a sleepy teenager—the alarm always seemed to go off too early, and it could take hours to shake off the sleepiness that lingered through the first few class periods of the day.

Though some parents might be quick to write their teens off as lazy, this sleepiness isn’t their fault. It actually can often stem from early school start times for many who struggle. While adults might be well-suited for earlier wake-up calls, teenagers’ circadian rhythms—the light-mediated internal cues that help regulate sleep—are wired in a way that leaves teenagers sleepy in the morning and more awake at night. This is perfectly normal; our circadian rhythm changes throughout our lives, and unfortunately, school schedules just aren’t planned around ensuring our teens get the sleep they need.

In fact, teenagers’ body clocks are best synced to bedtimes around 11 p.m. or midnight, with a wakeup time around nine hours later. With some schools starting classes as early as 7:30 in the morning, and students needing time to get ready and get to school, it’s no wonder teens are so sleepy.

From a sleep perspective, teenagers would benefit most from school start times that begin no earlier than 8:30 a.m. This shift would mitigate the dreadful side effects of sleep deprivation teenagers face and overall improve teenagers’ mental and physical health.

States that have tested later school start times have seen promising results. A 2020 JAMA study followed five school districts in Minnesota from 2016 to 2019. In 2016, all five schools followed a baseline start time of 7:30 a.m., but between 2017 and 2019, two schools pushed their start times back by 55 minutes or a full hour, while three continued operating with early start times. At the end of the study, the researchers found that the kids who started school later got an average of 43 more minutes of sleep per night than their early-bird counterparts.

Further evidence suggests it can lead to improved academic outcomes. Plus, another 2020 study found an association between later school start times and a decrease in teen driving accidents.

The concept might be catching on nationwide. Beginning in July 2022, California became the first to mandate that middle and high schools can start no earlier than 8 or 8:30 a.m., respectively, and New Jersey, Alaska, New York, and Tennessee have all considered following suit.

Related: Tips for Starting (& Keeping) a Successful Bedtime Routine

The idea is also gaining support among teachers, who see first-hand the repercussions lack of sleep can have on teens. “About half of my middle school kids can barely stay awake the first two periods of the day,” teacher Melissa Rowe told Sleepopolis in a June interview. “As for high school, I literally have students who fall asleep on the floor in my classroom.”

Of course, every middle and high school across the country isn’t going to be able to make this shift overnight. Luckily, there are some ways parents can help their teenagers get the best night’s sleep they can. If you think your teenager is sleep deprived, try these tips to get them back on track:

  • Encourage proper sleep hygiene as often as possible.
  • Set a regular bedtime and rise time, including on weekends to maintain a schedule.
  • Dim both room and electronic lighting to reduce exposure to bright lights before bed.
  • Encourage sleepiness.
  • Consider eliminating technology use after a certain time before bed, and remove it from the bedroom.

It’s important to remember that teenagers should never be forced to choose between sleep and something else. Teens often find themselves in the position of choosing between sleep, sports, and homework, and doing all three can seem impossible. Keep an open dialogue and help them balance the workload coming their way without sacrificing sleep. Think about where overscheduling is an issue and where you can cut back to allow enough time for sleep.

Sleep is vital to a teenager’s health and happiness. Early start times are a real obstacle to adequate rest for teenagers and their differently wired circadian rhythms, but there are roadblocks that parents, health care providers, school administrators, and educators could overcome if we all worked together. And for the sake of our teens’ health, it’s imperative that we give it a try.

Dr. Shelby Harris is the Director of Sleep Health at Sleepopolis. As a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in behavioral sleep medicine, she treats a wide variety of sleep disorders, including insomnia, nightmares, and narcolepsy, with a focus on non-pharmacological interventions. She is board-certified in behavioral sleep medicine by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and the author of The Women’s Guide to Overcoming Insomnia: Get a Good Night’s Sleep Without Relying on Medication.

My friends and I often discuss how parenting circles have warned us about how difficult it is to raise teenagers. However, nobody prepared us for the pre-game stage: raising tweens

As a mom of one teen, two tweens, and a first grader, I can attest that there is no easy parenting stage. Each age group of kids brings their own set of challenges. Arguably, we are the least prepared for raising tweens, who, according to The Cleveland Clinic, are also known as pre-adolescents between the ages of eight and twelve. They note these years are a “distinct developmental period not only physically, but also psychologically.” Tween behaviors often shock parents and caregivers because they’ve been told that the toddler and teen years should be the most behaviorally challenging.

Dr. Candice Jones, a board-certified pediatrician practicing in Florida, mom of two, author of High Five Discipline: Positive Parenting for Happy, Healthy, Well-Behaved Kids, and host of the podcast KIDing Around with Dr. Candice, is here to help us understand our tweens and their behaviors. Which acts are typical, and which should raise concern?

Changes in eating habits.

We all know our kids go through growth spurts, times when it seems they cannot possibly inhale enough food. Other times, they seem to live on light snacks. Though a tween’s eating habits are expected to ebb and flow, any drastic and long-standing changes should cause parents to pause. A child who seems to be counting calories, who refuses to eat dinner with the family, or who seems to be sneaking food and binging isn’t healthy. According to Dr. Jones, obsessing over food, avoiding food, or consuming far more or less than usual can be signs of depression, an eating disorder, or another physical health problem.

Drastic interest changes.

Your child couldn’t get enough baseball but suddenly wants to quit their team, pack up all their baseball memorabilia, and stop wearing their baseball graphic tees. What gives?

While it is normal for a child to change interests throughout their tween years, and they may desire to switch “hobbies, activities, or friends,” when a child has no interest at all, caregivers should be concerned. There could be an underlying issue, and you need to do some digging. Dr. Jones says perhaps your child has joined “the wrong crowd” and wants to drop their interest due to “peer pressure to feel cool, popular, or respected.” This could also be a sign that the child is depressed, or there’s a “why” behind them quitting their beloved activity, such as bullying. Parents need to approach their tween with curiosity, and if there is an issue, rope in a professional.    

Obsessing over someone.

“First crushes often happen during the tween period,” Dr. Jones says. However, if your tween is “excessively talking about, following, and communicating with just one person,” parents should see this as an opportunity to discuss what healthy relationships are and aren’t, while also trying to model healthy relationships and boundaries. This is also a good time to talk about self-worth and explain that talking to strangers or communicating with older kids (or adults) online in a flirtatious and secretive way is never okay. Keep close tabs on your child’s phone (if they have one), which can be a gateway to these conversations.

Complaints of pain.

The occasional headache, sinus pressure, or fever is normal for anyone. However, Dr. Jones shares that a child who complains of physical pains, like a constant stomach ache, could suffer from a mental health disorder. The problem could be physical, such as food intolerance, but stomach pain can also be a symptom of “anxiety or bullying.” According to Dr. Jones, you should take physical pain concerns to the pediatrician for evaluation and guidance.

Related: 11 Things Tweens Think They’re Ready to Do, But Aren’t

Acting secretive or sneaking their cell phone.

a girl sneaking her smartphone at night, a troubling tween behavior
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Dr. Jones says that if a tween is doing this, caregivers should ask themselves if the child is responsible enough for a phone. If you decide they are, establish and enforce age and ability-appropriate rules surrounding cell phone usage, including times the phone can be used and which apps and games are allowed. If rules are being violated, Dr. Jones points out that while the child could be “seeking privacy and independence,” this could also be a red flag for hiding content. The key is communication with your child and enforcing consequences, such as losing access to the phone for a period when rules are violated.

Sudden and drastic sleep changes.

Yes, tweens and teens will have changes in their sleep patterns, especially during puberty when their bodies and brains are changing and growing. Dr. Jones notes that some of her patient’s cause of sleep changes is due to less adult supervision—parents might lighten up and allow the use of devices close to bedtime or allow the child to have screens in their bedrooms. “This is a recipe for deferring much-needed sleep,” she says.

And while a sleep-deprived kid may be “disinterested or even irritable” day to day, this isn’t the only reason a tween’s sleep may change. Dr. Jones says “physical and mental health problems,” and “recent trauma” can cause sleep disruption or deferral. She says parents need to “always investigate,” and then seek professional guidance, such as their child’s pediatrician.

Telling lies.

Fact: everyone lies at some point. However, Dr. Jones says tweens are becoming better at lying. Trying out a lie here or there isn’t a red flag, but “excessive lying is problematic because it can damage relationships, trust, and reputation.” Dr. Jones suggests that if parents notice their tween is lying more than ever, they need to “investigate their reasons and meet their needs.” They also may need to look inward because Dr. Jones notes that kids whose parents use forms of physical discipline are setting their children to tell untruths to avoid being harshly punished. She suggests a positive parenting approach where parents hold misbehavior accountable but also “reduce the need for lying as a survival tactic.”

Sudden grade changes.

If your student has a B average in school and starts failing multiple classes, there could be a few causes. Dr. Jones says one possibility is an undiagnosed learning disability “that unmasks as schoolwork becomes more challenging or the load is heavier.” Additionally, tweens face more social pressures during their middle school years, which can distract them from focusing on academics. Another possibility is a traumatic life event like the death of a loved one. The key, Dr. Jones says, is to communicate with your child and seek extra help if needed.

Mood swings.

Tweens inching toward their teen years will inevitably face “mood changes, testing of limits, and struggles for independence.” Dr. Jones assures us that these are typical. However, it’s how we help our children deal with the myriad of pressures and changes that can make or break the tween. Caregivers need to help their tween manage behaviors “in a peaceful and guiding way.” If parents notice that the tween’s mood shifts are drastic to the point of causing harm to themselves or others, or if “they impact functioning in daily life,” the caregiver needs to take the child to the pediatrician. If the tween has shifted into a new way of existing, such as never wanting to leave their bedroom, not even for basics like food, this is a red flag.

It’s helpful for caregivers of tweens to do research on parenting during the tween years, as well as typical tween development and behaviors. When a tween behaves in a way that’s out of the ordinary for their age group, Dr. Jones wants parents to pay attention and get help, if needed. These smaller behaviors can be “the first signals something is going wrong,” and we should take the “earliest opportunity to help them.”

Related: The Most Important Things to Say to Your Tween (That Aren’t ‘I Love You’)

If there’s one moment that sums up my adolescence, it would be my eighth-grade graduation dance. While every other girl my age was able to shop for a dress at just about any store, I was particularly shapely with a large bust. I had to literally squeeze myself into the options.

In a well-intentioned attempt to help me feel more comfortable, my mom took me to David’s Bridal and picked up a dress that she swore looked just like that one Kate Hudson wore in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Yeah. OK, Mom.

Needless to say, it looked nothing like that. I felt totally uncomfortable and ashamed, said nothing, and spent the entire evening avoiding my classmates. At one point, I hid in the bathroom and cried. To add insult to injury, I was eventually found, which embarrassed me even more.

Did I hyperventilate to the point of dizziness? Of course. Did it feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest? You betcha. Looking back now, I wonder how things could have played out differently if I’d just told my mom how uncomfortable I really was—in the dress and in my own skin.

I was an anxious kid, and during that time, everyone around me wrote off those feelings and anxiety attacks as being “overly sensitive.” And so I took what they said to heart. I hardly mentioned the intrusive thoughts that crossed my mind—What if people think I look fat? What if they’re talking about me and making fun? How can I just blend into the background and go unnoticed?—and tried to silence them by ignoring them. I waited impatiently and nervously for things to get better. Spoiler alert: They didn’t.

In fact, it wasn’t until five years ago that I finally turned things around. I was so desperate to feel well that I had no choice but to speak up for myself. I told my primary care doctor that I felt my shortness of breath had more to do with being anxious than with my physical health and asked to be screened for anxiety. A few medications later, I found the right fit and was able to breathe easy again (literally).

But it shouldn’t have taken so long. In theory, advocating for yourself shouldn’t be that hard, right? To say, “Hey, I need help with this problem, and the solutions you’re giving me (in my case, downplaying my worries) aren’t doing any good.” But like many worthwhile things, it’s easier said than done.

In the years since then, becoming vocal about mental health care and encouraging conversations around mental illness has been a huge part of my life. Not only because I want to be happier and healthier, but because I have two small daughters who also have anxious personalities. And I’ll be damned if they’re also told to minimize those feelings and stop being so sensitive.

So my kids and I talk about mental health. all. the. time. Openly and honestly. Here’s what that looks like:

  1. We talk about their worries, no matter how big or small. Like how my 10-year-old will survive next year now that her best friend has moved away and how my 7-year-old can calm herself down when she’s really upset. For your kids, it could be something as small as worrying that they got one answer wrong instead of none or worrying about who they’ll play with at recess the next day. Whatever it is, they should never feel that their problem isn’t “big” enough to bring up to you.
  2. We validate their feelings and talk about what has been said or done to make them feel that way. Most importantly, I make clear that it is OK for them to feel whatever it is in its entirety.
  3. I work to create a truly safe space. As it happens, we still talk routinely about their fear and anxiety over what happened at Uvalde happening at their school, too. Having these conversations won’t eliminate their worries and anxiety altogether, but holding safe spaces that are judgment-free is the first step toward encouraging kids to express how they’re feeling—no matter how hard or uncomfortable those discussions may be.
  4. I encourage them to tune into their bodies. Advocating for their mental health isn’t about pushing back against every piece of advice they’re given, but it is about self-awareness and knowing when something doesn’t feel right.For example, are they feeling wheezy and dizzy because they’re under the weather, or is it because something spiked their anxiety and this is how their body reacts? Being self-aware in this way can also help them recognize when they should be reaching out to a trusted adult for extra help.
  5. We remain open to outside assistance if needed. Affordable and sometimes-free resources like therapy and counseling are well-worth exploring, though sadly not everyone has access to these options.Depending on how thin resources are stretched in your school district or community, this obstacle is a difficult one to overcome. But for instances that require more professional help, reaching out to your pediatrician or your child’s school counselor is a good place to start.

Hopefully, one or more of these practices resonates with you. But to every parent who isn’t sure how to help their kids prioritize and speak up about their mental health, I would say, don’t underestimate the power of not minimizing your kid’s feelings. Let them feel all the things—the hard, the uncomfortable, and all the great moments yet to come.

RELATED LINKS
Physicians’ Task Force Says It’s Time to Screen All Kids for Anxiety
20+ Calming Phrases That Will Help an Anxious Child
70% of Parents Support Mental Health Days for Students, Poll Shows

In this tech-driven world, it’s no surprise that American kids see more screen than green. As parents, we intuitively recognize the benefits of outdoor time (after all, most of us grew up in the ‘70s and ‘80s), but it might take a little more to convince our kids. So, the next time your child wants to power up the video games, it’s important to remember the benefits of sending your kids outdoors—besides you getting a little quiet time. Follow along as we help make the case for playing outside this summer and beyond!

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1. Movement outside makes everything better, especially creativity. According to experts, free play improves everything from creativity to academic success. In his book, Vitamin N:  The Essential Guide to a Nature-Rich Life, author Richard Louv references the Theory of Loose Parts which suggests that the more things kids can manipulate, see, touch or feel, the more creative they become. Send your kids outside, and provide them with age-appropriate materials such as buckets, ice, pinecones and rope to enhance their imagination and open-ended play.

2. A healthy dose of sun exposure increases Vitamin D and improves mood. Most adults and kids struggle with low levels of Vitamin D, which can cause moodiness, among other ailments. Getting your kids outdoors and into direct sunlight will do wonders for their mental and physical health. Organize a field day with the neighborhood kids and set up these games to play outside.  

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3. Kids who engage in outside free play are more successful in math and reading. School might be out, but that doesn’t mean the routine must end. Advise your children to spend a set amount of time outdoors after lunch, just like recess at school. Leave them to their own devices, and watch (from afar) as they embark on a backyard adventure. The more they roam and play freely the better their test scores will be when school starts again in the fall.  

4. Encouraging kids to get super dirty makes them super healthy. Kids who have the freedom to get downright dirty have a better chance of developing stronger immune systems. According to the National Wildlife Federation,When we let our kids play in the dirt, we're not only allowing them to explore the wonders around them, we are also exposing them to healthy bacteria, parasites and viruses that will inevitably create a much stronger immune system.” Organize a scavenger hunt on the go for your kids and brace yourself for this—skip the bath that night.

Vitolda Klein via Unsplash

5. Kids who play outside after a downpour develop a greater appreciation for all life. Most children won’t need any coaxing to vacate the house after a rainstorm. But you can further incentivize them by suggesting a walk through your neighborhood or a local park to study worms.  Children will get a kick out of playing superhero and saving the worms who were flooded out of their holes. And if wiggly worms aren’t your kid's thing, try one of these sidewalk science experiments. Be sure to keep your eye on the sky, and you might be lucky enough to spot a rainbow!

6. Kids who encounter more greenery have better focus. Getting any kid's attention in the digital era is a chore.  But it’s especially hard for parents of kids with ADHD. Several studies published by researchers at the University of Illinois discovered that “... children with ADHD who play in outdoor green spaces like a park have milder symptoms than those who play indoors or in an urban setting.” Bring along some water games to the urban jungle and your kids won’t want to leave.  

little girl outdoors
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7.  Children gain confidence and climb the social ladder. 
Summer is the perfect opportunity to reacquaint little ones with fresh air and rekindle their first love, the playground. According to Maria Magher, “Children who are allowed to explore through play can learn new skills and overcome challenges, which can promote self-confidence, resiliency and self-advocacy, all of which can help children learn how to develop healthy relationships and to become leaders.” If you're traveling this summer, find out if one of these amazing playgrounds from around the world is located at your destination. 

 

RELATED STORIES
Kids Should Spend at Least Three Hours Outside Every Day, According to Experts
18 Ways to Give Your Kids a 1980s Summer
Why Outdoor Play Matters

As a mom of four school-aged children and wife to an adventurous serial entrepreneur, trying to get work done while completing my graduate degree means there is never a dull moment.

To best manage my ever-changing and often chaotic schedule, I have read dozens of self-help books and amassed a treasure trove of tips and tools on how to live better and tap into my potential. I adopted high-performance habits, witnessed the life-changing magic of tidying up, embraced my imperfections, joined the 5 a.m. club, tapped into the power of now, and stopped apologizing. To say I “put in the work” would be an understatement.

In the midst of the pandemic ups and downs, I was grateful for the survival tips and life hacks that helped keep me stay sane while navigating uncharted territory. I shared many useful tools and life hacks on my blog and adapted them to help my clients move closer to their intended goals.

What happened next came somewhat unexpectedly. I went from “self-help junkie” to “self-help skeptic.” I discovered that what worked for me often didn’t work for others. In fact, tips that worked for some clients were sometimes detrimental to others and accomplished the opposite of their desired outcome.

I realized how important it was for me to understand the narrative beneath a particular individual’s desire for change before digging into which tools and lifestyle hacks are best suited for them. This was the most sustainable way to pave a path toward alignment between their core values and building the life they truly wanted.

Instead of looking for answers, we started digging for better questions. The tools are great, but are they great for you? Why do you want this change now? For example, facing fears can be a good thing, but does the notion of facing your fears apply in all situations?

Here’s another example: The often quoted “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” has resulted in people saying no because it simply doesn’t “feel” good to say yes. Perhaps there are certified people-pleasers out there who can benefit from this approach, but if we adopt this view without deeper questioning, we run the risk of becoming narcissists, looking out for our own interests at the expense of others.

Un-Selfing Help

I have no doubt that the many self-help books I read have had a profound impact on my life and helped change it for the better. I feel a deep sense of gratitude to Brene, Eckhart, Dale, and all the self-help gurus who have made it their life’s mission to help us tap into our potential.

Despite having experienced tremendous growth from the self-help tools I adopted (I still wake up at 5 a.m. and get loads of stuff done before the kids take over) and from my graduate studies in psychology, my endless curiosity about the human condition helped me identify missing components of the puzzle that I previously wasn’t aware of.

The Spiritual Approach

In his best-selling and widely acclaimed book Morality: Restoring the Common Good in Divided Times, Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks shares a profound truth that completely altered the way I understood self-help and self-care.

While the willpower and desire for change come from us, for most of us it is the quality of our relationships that give us meaning and fulfillment, and it is in our ability to love and care for another that we can go beyond our “self.”

Sacks proposes we shift from “I” to “We” and become concerned with the welfare of others as though it were our own. Sacks argues that “the only people that will save us from ourselves is ‘We’ the People.”

While this concept isn’t new, we have seen a lot of new research on the link between taking responsibility and doing for others and improved physical health, mental health, increased happiness levels, and so forth. In a survey of people in 136 countries, people who had donated money to charity were happier than those who had not, and today we see the direct health benefits of helping others and volunteering.

The interdependent nature of our society is perhaps more evident today than ever, and in a post-COVID world, we will have a rare opportunity to re-examine the role of self-help and self-care and recognize the inescapable link between the “self” and the “other,” which will hopefully lead us to a place of greater connection, fulfillment and increased joy.

I have always loved looking to research for guidance on best practices for more wholesome living, and so I continue to share tips with my clients and on my blog. My hope is that you might do the same and adopt what works for you while remaining curious and having in mind that there is no one size fits all formula for success.

As a recovering perfectionist, I can tell you that when success is measured on someone else’s barometer or defined by external forces (e.g., standards of others, validation, results) as opposed to internal ones (the inherent value of what we are doing or want to do), not only do we become more likely to “cheat” the system (like using that oh-so-tempting Instagram filter that makes us look flawless), but we also begin to cheat our systems—the one inside ourselves that is left feeling continuously depleted, as though we are never enough.

Finally, time is a precious, unrenewable resource, so use it wisely. How are you spending your time? Take note of what you can change to move closer toward your intended goals and not someone else’s. I couldn’t think of a better quote that beautifully encapsulates this principle than this verse from Hillel the Elder: “If I am not for myself, who will be for me. If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now, then when?

Originally published November 2020.

Eda Schottenstein is a mental health awareness advocate, founder of The Multi-Role Woman, children’s book author and mother of four. She is passionate about helping women who “struggle with the juggle,” guiding them to bridge the gap between where they are and where they aspire to be.

If you have more than two kids, this study may not come as a huge surprise, but researchers in the U.S. and France found that having three or more children resulted in lower cognitive function later in life.

The study, published this week in the journal Demography, collected data from adults ages 65 and up across 20 European countries and Israel, all having a minimum of two biological children. The results showed lower cognitive abilities in both men and women. This is the first study of its kind to show causal effects of high fertility on cognitive outputs later in life.

“Understanding the factors that contribute to optimal late-life cognition is essential for ensuring successful aging at the individual and societal levels — particularly in Europe, where family sizes have shrunk and populations are aging rapidly,” said Vegard Skirbekk, PhD, professor of population and Family health at Columbia Mailman School.

There were several reason cited in the study that links to possible causes. One that that families with three or more kids causes considerable financial burdens by reducing family income. Second, the more children a woman has, the less likely she is to work full-time or maximize her earning potential. Finally, as anyone with kids knows, having children can be stressful, which can negatively impact cognitive functioning. Add to that a general lack of sleep, anxiety, and less time for ourselves, and it can be easy to see why parents of multiples are at risk.

“The negative effect of having three or more children on cognitive functioning is not negligible, it is equivalent to 6.2 years of aging,” said Eric Bonsang, one of the researchers in the study. “Given the magnitude of the effect, future studies on late-life cognition should also examine fertility as a prognosticator alongside more commonly researched predictors, such as education, occupational experiences, physical exercise, and mental and physical health,” added Skirbekk.

Of course, kids bring a great amount of joy as well. But if you’ve ever heard yourself saying, “I feel like I’ve aged ten years,” every time one of your kids celebrates another birthday, you can thank science for validating those feelings.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned during the pandemic, is that our children have navigated some tough stuff. Aside from the prolonged physical separation from family, friends, school and activities, we are just now learning of the many mental and emotional effects the last few years have dealt us.

The CDC recently released a new report on the rise of pediatric emergency department visits associated with mental health and the findings are a little shocking. To start, adolescent females 12 to 17 had more weekly visits for 2020, 2021 and Jan. 2022 for a variety of mental health conditions (MHC’s) compared with 2019. The MHC’s included issues like tics, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorders, trauma and stressor-related and each year had one common condition: eating disorders.

So what all does that mean? Like many of us suspected, the added stress during the pandemic is a likely cause, with its many factors like emotional distress, changes in food availability and a lack of consistent daily routines.

photo: CDC

Allison Chase, PhD, an eating disorder specialist and clinical psychologist with Eating Recovery Center, shares  with Healthline that “Eating disorders can develop anytime. When you add COVID stress and uncertainty to the mix, the combination can be disastrous.”

In addition to the copious amounts of social distancing, teens consumed far more social media than usual. Erin Parks, PhD, a clinical psychologist and the chief clinical officer at the virtual eating disorder treatment provider Equip, states that “Research recently emerged showing how social media can exacerbate poor body image, promote diet culture, and trigger eating disorders.”

It should also be noted that while there was an increase in visits specifically related to both eating and tic disorders, both of these conditions can co-occur with anxiety, depression, and OCD. So the discussion turns to: how can we support our teens during this seemingly never-ending pandemic?

The CDC report shares that early identification, prevention, and intervention is key to helping the mental health of our adolescents. That can include:

 

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For parents, raising confident kids means teaching them how to meet life’s many challenges and to succeed. According to experts, throughout their formative years, kids will look to their families, friends and peers to help develop their sense of self, but as they master skills, they become more secure in their abilities. And, with positive reinforcement, kids’ self-confidence and self-esteem will grow exponentially, which leads them to try new things, do their best and feel proud of their achievements. Keep reading to learn why it’s so important to raise kids with confidence. 

It Helps Them Be Successful

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Possessing self-confidence can help a child take on challenges and risks that may exceed their current abilities. By successfully pushing boundaries, a child’s confidence can create a virtuous circle where each win leads to the next win. Researchers at Stony Brook University wanted to see if there was truth in the adage “success breeds success,” and their study validated that early successes bestowed on individuals produced significant increases in subsequent rates of success.

Confidence has been shown to help children in education as well: Behavioral psychologist Stanley Coopersmith said, “In the critical childhood years, positive feelings of self-esteem have been shown to increase children’s confidence and success at school.”

It Super-Charges Their Creativity

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As parents, we know that children are innately creative and there are few things as precious as a child’s vivid imagination. But the wellspring of a kiddo’s creativity can diminish over time if she is discouraged from nurturing her creative confidence. A survey conducted by IBM found that creativity was the single most sought-after trait in leaders today. Children who are self-possessed and confident are more likely to retain their super-charged creativity.

According to Tom Kelley, co-author of Creative Confidence and partner at IDEO, a global design and innovation firm, “Creativity, far from requiring rare gifts and skills, depends on what you believe you can do with the talents and skills you already have.” Confidence is an oft-ignored but essential part of creativity. It’s the confidence that allows people to super-charge their creativity.

It Nurtures Their Mental and Physical Resilience

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Studies have shown that self-confidence isn’t just a feeling or emotional state of mind, but can have a direct impact on mental and physical health. A child with a strong foundation of confidence is better at coping with stress and more resilient against illnesses.

Numerous studies have demonstrated the protective nature of confidence and self-esteem, especially when it comes to the impact of stress and physical disease. In a study published in the National Library of Medicine, patients with a greater feeling of mastery and high self-esteem, in combination with having close relationships, were shown to be less prone to mental or physical illness. The study reported, “Positive self-esteem is associated with mental well-being, adjustment, happiness, success, and satisfaction.”

It Fosters Empathy

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Children’s confidence and self-esteem grow when they see what they do matters to others. Letting kids help around the house or do service projects at school can help them build their confidence as well as foster empathy for others. Encouraging kids to feel secure in themselves can help them see the world beyond themselves and understand that they are part of a larger community.

Parents can nurture a child’s confidence by modeling positive behavior and being thoughtful about praise, experts say. Rather than overpraising when it’s unwarranted, which can come across as hollow and insincere, help kids set goals, then recognize and praise their effort instead of the end results.

It Helps Them Find Happiness

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Last but certainly not least, according to this study, confidence inspires contentment, happiness, and pride in any kid. By encouraging play and being attentive during playtime, parents demonstrate to their kids the importance of having fun and understanding what brings joy to themselves. Showing love, embracing imperfections, and helping your kiddo find his passions can help build his confidence and self-esteem in myriad ways that will benefit him for a lifetime to come.

—Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

 

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Almost every kiddo wants to cuddle a cute puppy or purring kitten, but being an animal lover is more than simply caring for a family pet. Teaching little ones to appreciate and love animals is beneficial for social and emotional growth, and experts agree that when kids are animal lovers, they have increased compassion and empathy and a stronger sense of responsibility. Here are five reasons you should teach your kids to appreciate their furry friends.

Being an Animal Lover Builds Empathy

Kids who are compassionate toward animals tend to be more sensitive and caring. Patty Born Selly, Executive Director of the National Center for STEM Elementary Education at St. Catherine University in St. Paul, Minnesota, believes children who are caring toward animals develop stronger empathy with people. She also notes that "As children have experiences with animals, they learn about differences and similarities and needs (such as for food, shelter, water and space)," which can also lead to more positive classroom relationships and peer interactions.

Being an Animal Lover Increases Self-Confidence

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According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, kids that are raised to love animals will see an increase in their self-esteem. When kiddos develop positive feelings about animals, such as their pets, they become more self-confident. In addition, "Positive relationships with pets can aid in the development of trusting relationships with others. A good relationship with a pet can also help in developing non-verbal communication, compassion, and empathy." 

Being an Animal Lover Fosters Leadership in Kids

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Whether it’s a dog or a rabbit, when kids are asked to take care of their animals, they become a significant part of that animal’s life. According to Sara McCarty, Editor of Run Wild My Child, these tasks help kids take responsibility and ownership. "Aside from building great memories, having a pet in the house or growing up around animals serves some pretty incredible purposes when it comes to the emotional development and even physical health of kids," said McCarty. For example, Fido relies on your little one to give him water or play fetch. All those care-taking skills that require a child to provide for someone else help to make strong leaders.

Being an Animal Lover Helps Kids Become Nurturers

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Nurturing and caring for others is a skill that’s learned and needs to be practiced. Kids love to be helpers, so taking care of animals is a great way to nurture that instinct and practice the art of caring. According to Dr. Marty Becker, a veterinarian with VetStreet, as kids become more intuitive and nurturing toward animals, they become more compassionate and generous. "As a veterinarian and lifelong animal lover, I think one of the most important things you can do for your children or grandchildren (or, really, any child you know!) is to nurture a love of animals," said Becker. He believes and has seen in his many years working with kids and pets, that as kids grow older, they want to help animals, and as they do, they practice compassion and generosity. Eventually, kids will start using those emotions and characteristics toward caring for younger siblings, other kids and peers. "If you doubt me about how much children want to help, start asking kids what they want to be when they grow up. A veterinarian is a very, very common answer!"

Being an Animal Lover Helps Kids Stay Healthy

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Not only do kids who love animals develop social and emotional skills, but they also tend to be healthier. According to David Meyer, founder of Adopt-a-Pet, playing with dogs lowers blood pressure, keeps kids active and helps promote fitness by getting little ones outside in nature. Additionally, Dr. Ruth MacPete, a veterinarian with Pet Health Network, mentions a study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison that found kids who regularly interact with pets have less risk of developing common allergies and asthma. "Infants that grow up with pets are less likely to develop asthma and allergies," said MacPete. "[The study] evaluated blood samples from infants after birth and then on their first birthday to look for changes in their immune system or evidence of allergic reactions. The research supported previous studies that have shown that allergies, eczema and asthma occur less frequently in children with pets." She also notes that animals have been proven to help with stress, anxiety, depression, autism, ADD and other psychological issues.

—Leah R. Singer

 

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