We promise that these pirate jokes won’t make you want to walk the plank
Talk Like a Pirate Day is September 19 and we’ve got all the best pirate jokes for kids to get your day off to a hilarious start. These kid-friendly jokes are full of puns and will have you laughing all day! Be sure to check out our collection of the best jokes for kids, summer jokes, corny jokes, and even knock-knock jokes.
1. How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buck an ear.
2. Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting pirate.
Interrupting pir—yarrrrrr!
3. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrrrrrr
No, it be the C! (Sea).
—A hilarious 6-year-old reader.
4. What is a pirate’s favorite body part? The booty!
—C.J., age 9
5. How do you save a dying pirate?
CPArrrrrrrrr
6. What’s a pirate’s favorite fish?
The Swordfish.
7. What’s a pirate’s worst enemy?
Termites.
8. What do you call a pirate who likes to skip school?
Captain Hooky.
9. Why does it take so long for pirates to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C.
10. Where do pirates buy their hooks?
The second hand store.
11. What did the pirate say when he left his wooden leg in the freezer?
Shiver me timbers!
12. What do you call a pirate with two legs and two eyes?
A newbie.
Clear your schedule and pack all the things, because your kids may never want to leave these amazingly fun playgrounds built with kids in mind
Portland parents know our sunny days are limited, and we don’t want to miss out on any of those rays. So pack a picnic basket, because these destination playgrounds were made for play. Not only will your kids love climbing, swinging and sliding till they’ve had their fill, these parks have other perks that keep kids playing all day long. We’re talking some of the best splash pads in Portland, skate parks, hiking trails, and more.
The Best Playgrounds in Portland for Kids of All Ages & Abilities
1. Westmoreland Park Nature Playground
Nature nerds of all ages will fall in love with this destination playground in the city that makes the concrete jungle fade into the background. It’s a spot where kids can climb boulders and logs in a safe and structured way. But it’s also got slides and an oversized sand play area that rivals even the best backyard mud kitchen. Plan for kids to come home dirty, or pack an extra pair of clothes along for this trip. There are also some trails the kids can explore and a nearby pond, so you might spots a few ducks, with ducklings trailing sweetly behind, in the summertime.
After realizing that their daughter, Harper, couldn’t access most playgrounds from her wheelchair, the Goldberg family created the non-profit Harper’s Playground in 2010. Since then, the organization that’s committed to building amazing playgrounds where kids of all abilities can play has introduced Portland families to five inclusive playgrounds. Harper’s Playground at Arbor Lodge Park was the first. This destination playground features the three components that are the core of the organization’s mission: it’s physically, socially and emotionally inviting. That’s why you’ll find elements of nature interspersed between the playground elements that include swings, slides, teeter-totters and more. Don’t forget the sensory features like the water and sand stations and the beloved oversize xylophone that make this a favorite for everyone, but especially toddlers.
Tucked deep inside the Crestwood neighborhood of Southwest Portland you’ll find Dickinson Park. This park hosts a modern playground made by Landscape Structures, lots of wide open spaces for kids to freely run and play and a hill for tucking and rolling. While it doesn’t have bathrooms (come prepared), it does offer a futuristic modern play environment. If you have tiny climbers in your household this is a perfect park destination. They have suspended rings, a 10-foot net wall to scale, rope ladders and bars to hang from. Definitely a destination playground that’ll keep the kids busy all afternoon.
If you want to enjoy the outdoors in the middle of the city, head over to Pier Park. It’s enormous! They have everything from a skate park to a Frisbee golf course, picnic areas, a splash pad, a playground and an attached dog park. Pier Park doesn’t attract huge crowds and is tucked away in far North Portland. Plus, the accessible bathrooms and easy street parking make this an easy place to plan your next preschool meet-up or playdate. There’s a ramp going into the play area so all kids can play (read: stroller-friendly), sensory play elements, rope climbing structures, swings, spinning toys and a slide for kids to enjoy.
Tucked away just south of the Rose Gardens you’ll find one of Portland’s largest playgrounds. The Washington Park Playground hosts all of your kids’ favorites. There are swings for tots and bigger kids, a sandbox and slides galore. The park has lots of space, too, so if you have high energy kids who love to run this is a great spot. You might want to be prepared to stay on your feet during this visit to make sure you can keep kids properly supervised. On those super steamy days there are some shady areas for kids to take a break from the sun. This spot is great for kids ages 2-5 and comes equipped with public restrooms. Don’t forget to hit your favorite Portland spots like the Oregon Zoo and Hoyt Arboretum to truly make a day of it when you visit.
Located about 30 minutes outside of Portland near Willsonville’s library, you’ll find Portland’s oldest and largest park, Memorial Park. In the Spring of 2015 the park went through some big renovations and now has several new play structures and a 24-foot-long embankment slide. On the property you’ll also discover a splash shelter, historic barn and an interactive water feature. Kids might also enjoy the play volcano, climbing wall or eagle’s nest made from netting. If you go during the summer months, make sure to bring towels, bathing suit and maybe even a change of clothes because the cascading water feature can be extremely enticing, especially on a hot summer day. Since the renovation a large percentage of the new structure is now inclusive so kids of all abilities can play.
The Chelsea Anderson Playstation at Marshall Park is part of a 14-acre community park that serves the downtown and central Vancouver area. Within this expansive park you’ll find ball fields, open lawn areas, a picnic shelter available for reservations during the summer months, a playground and public restrooms. The amazing playstation is where you’ll find all your kid favorites including slides, a log roll, a big arch climber, a balance beam, a spiral staircase, a fire truck structure, a nature area and so much more. The small tot and bigger kid play areas are at opposite ends of the park, so if you have both be prepared to be moving around a lot. This park is most certainly worth a trip across the river.
If you are looking for a land of adventure, we found the perfect spot. Go pack up the kids and head to Pirate Park. Formerly known as Bethany Meadows Parks this destination park is nestled in the Bethany neighborhood of Beaverton. You may have already guessed that this park has a special pirate theme. On top of a steep hill there’s an island lookout where your adventures can slide down and find themselves in a larger ship play structure. There are multiple slides, walkway bridges, swing sets, a sand-pit, and turf that resembles the ocean. Imaginations will go wild! While there’s not a public restroom there is a portable potty available. Keep in mind that this park has a reputation for being hard to find which is perfectly fitting with the pirate theme. Treat the whole experience like a grand adventure. You can’t park right outside the park so make sure you come prepared with everything you’ll need. You can access it by walking down the trail that meets NW Kaiser Road just past NW Wismer Street. Click the link below to take you a map of the area!
N.W. Energia Street, between N.W. Brandberry Dr. & N.W. Graf St.
Beaverton, OR Online:thprd.org
Learn where to find discount LEGOLAND tickets and how to skip the lines for free
If you have a LEGO lover in your house, you need to plan your next family vacation in sunny Florida at LEGOLAND. You’ll enter a world filled with tradeable Minifigures, thrilling rides, and the best LEGO shopping in the world. So whether you want to find the best ticket price or the perfect LEGOLAND ride for a toddler, we’ve rounded up the top tips to plan the perfect family trip to LEGOLAND, Florida.
How to save money on your LEGOLAND Florida vacation.
Chip Litherland for LEGOLAND Florida Resort
Find Discount Tickets Start by choosing a time of year when LEGOLAND offers discount vacation packages. It's the perfect way to save on almost every part of your theme park getaway. And you can try your local big box store (Costco or Sam's Club) for the best prices if you just need tickets.
Brave Hurricane and Back-to-School Season LEGOLAND offers the best discounts in September. Yes, it is hurricane season, but the park also provides excellent inclement weather policies. If you choose to brave hurricane season after everyone is back in school, make sure you buy travel insurance in case of bad weather. September discounts include vacation packages with resort deals and meals.
Pro Tip:If you plan to combine your visit to LEGOLAND with other theme parks, such as Disney World or Universal, January is the best time for discount prices, cooler weather, and fewer crowds.
Pack a lunch (and snacks) Thankfully, LEGOLAND offers a generous food policy. But the rules are pretty specific. You are allowed soft-sided insulated bags no larger than 8.4' wide x 6" high x 6" deep. So lunch for your crew can stay within your budget. The Publix across the street has affordable food options for the whole family.
Top tips for making the most out of your LEGOLAND Florida visit
CHIP LITHERLAND for LEGOLAND Florida
Get the App Before you even pack for your trip, download the LEGOLAND app. It has an interactive map to aid in exploring the park, a height guide for rides, directions, and even a car finder to help track where you've parked. Most importantly, the app lets you track ride wait times in real-time so you can skip the lines for free. You won't need to pay for FastTrack tickets if you follow the ride wait times on the app. You can get in line when the wait is short. The app is a must-have if you are willing to stay flexible with your schedule.
Shopping Made Easy You don't need to worry about buying the 3000-piece LEGO set while in the park. Since you'll be able to browse the most extensive collection of LEGO products in the world, the park makes it easy to shop all day. You can purchase from any of the shops throughout LEGOLAND, and they will have your goodies waiting for you when you are ready to leave.
Timesaver Hack: Start at the Back Any seasoned theme park goer knows the lines by the entrance are often much longer just after the park opens. After you arrive and stop at the Height Check for an armband, walk straight to the back of the park to skip the early lines. Use the app to check wait times, too.
Pro Tip:If your kids missed the height mark this visit, you could stop at the Heigh Check Center for an armband. It makes ride choices so much easier.
Plan your day at LEGOLAND around the best rides.
Chip Litherland for LEGOLAND Florida Resort
Best rides for toddlers Start your day with the Grand Carousel, and when you plan how much time to spend on this ride, triple it. Your little one will ask to ride this double-decker carousel with moving LEGO horses and sensory-friendly sleighs at least five times. Then, take the DUPLO® train ride around the city, where LEGO characters are fishing and enjoying family time. These LEGOLAND rides are perfect for toddlers.
Best rides for big kids Experience a dark castle, a massive dragon, and indoor and outdoor roller coaster fun when you ride The Dragon. And no LEGOLAND trip would be complete without a ride on The Great LEGO Race. The high-speed rollercoaster features a 50-foot drop and a lot of fun for the thrillseeker in your crew. Remember to check out the view of the lake at the very top of the ride.
Pro Tip:LEGOLAND offers Parent Swapping when one child in your group doesn't meet the height requirement of a ride. Each parent gets a chance to ride; just ask.
Sensory-friendly options Don't forget the no-cost "Hero Pass" that allows you to skip lines or wait in quiet rooms equipped with noise-canceling headphones. In addition, the park stocks weighted blankets, squishy toys, and tables where kids can build with LEGO bricks. Finally, ask for one of the illustrated, step-by-step walkthroughs of rides and shows with loud noises, periods of darkness, bright lights, or other overwhelming or potentially frightening aspects.
Find the best hotels near LEGOLAND
LEGOLAND Florida
Where to stay You'll want to choose one of three LEGOLAND hotels or you'll have to drive a bit further each day to stay at an Orlando-based budget hotel option. Unlike Disney World or Universal, the local hotel and rental options are limited. However, the LEGOLAND hotel room rates and vacation packages are reasonable, especially during a discount period. The nearby major hotel chains might be the best option if you have hotel points.
Did you know? LEGOLAND Florida offers all-inclusive vacation packages. In other words, you don't have to plan anything other than how you get there. The packages include everything from meals and accommodations to nightly scavenger hunts with LEGO souvenirs and photo memory packages.
Plan Ahead: Trade Minifigures at LEGOLAND
LEGO
You can bring minifigs from home or build your own at the stop just inside the entrance of the park. Model Citizens (park staff) throughout LEGOLAND wear lanyards with tradable Minifigures. It's almost like a scavenger hunt that only ends when you stop trading.
LEGOLAND Florida Resort One LEGOLAND Way Winter Haven, FL Online:legoland.com
Eating out with the kids doesn’t have to be a drag. There are some amazing themed restaurants around Los Angeles and they’re as big a feast for the eyes as they are for the tummies (you won’t need an iPad here!). We’ve searched high and low for the best of the best from pirate themed dinner adventures to magic-filled brunches—it’s like a chose your own adventure, only you get to eat too. Check ‘em out below and don’t blame us if dining out becomes your family’s new favorite way to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: The Proud Bird Food Bazaar
If your kid is into planes, then look no further than the Proud Bird. Check out the fiberglass replicas of famous planes and the playground, then head inside to the self-serve food court featuring six kitchens dishing out around-the world fare. Try Asian inspired fried rice, a pulled pork sandwich, or a hot from the oven pizza. Sit inside, or enjoy the open air patio. Either one will give you great views of the replica planes and other aviation memorabilia. Don't forget to grab an Aviation Cocktail (or other adult-friendly drink) from The Mile High Bar and Lounge.
Insider Tip: If you’re not feeling a sit down meal, you can swing by the In-and-Out on Sepulveda. While it’s not airplane themed, you can eat car side and still see the planes flying overhead.
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: American Girl Cafe
Get ready to step into the land of dolls—American Girl dolls that is. Everyone that has or wants one of these dolls is going to want a chance to eat at this oh-so-cute cafe. Browse outfits and accessories downstairs, then head upstairs for brunch, lunch, tea, or dinner. But the tea is the true star. Eat dainty tea sandwiches and sip tea from real cups and saucers—pinkies up! Your doll is graciously invited as well. There will be a place set just for her with a high chair and mini place settings.
Insider Tip: Make reservations. While walk-ins are welcomed, this place can get packed with birthday parties and other special events. And for now, the cafe is only open Fri.-Sun.
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: Medieval Times
Melissa Heckscher
Hear ye, hear ye: There's a reason Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament has been around for over three decades. It's got everything kids love: Animals (horses!), competition (jousting!), and simple food (that you eat with your hands, no less!). New for this year, the king who has ruled over the tournament since the show's inception has been replaced by... A queen! In our opinion, this just makes the show better since it will woo young girls who may have been turned off by the otherwise completely-male cast.
Does your little one like horses? Swords? Screaming as loud as she can for the sake of fun? Perfect. The rollicking, two-hour "tournament" showcases knights on horseback competing in a variety of Medieval competitions, all of which will have your dining section proudly cheering on its assigned team. The sparsely intertwined dialogue is a little hard to understand at times—but who cares! There are knights on horseback! With weapons! That, and you'll be slightly distracted by the four-course meal served on metal plates, without utensils while you spectate. The food is better than you might expect, though when all is said and done, most rave reviews will still be for the knights.
Note: The tournament culminates in a final knight-against-knight battle that'll have your kids riveted. This means, of course, that there are tons of choreographed battle scenes involving swords, flails, and axes, so if you don't like the idea of your kids watching actors get knocked to the ground by props, you may want to give the show a pass. In our opinion, the final scenes were the most fun (and this writer's 6 and 8-year-old boys we unfazed by the battles).
Expect to be inundated with opportunities to open your wallet, because opportunity awaits from the get-go, whether they be photo ops and souvenir cups or light-up swords and dragon claw necklaces. There's even a Knights Templar suit of armor for $3,800 and a full armory of metal swords that cost upwards of $125, so, yeah: Everything is for sale. Our advice: Be ready to channel your inner "No" voice unless you're up for a full-on, spoil-the-kids "knight out." That said, the $5 Medieval Times flag is worth getting since your kids will be excitedly waving it nearly the entire show. And, as for whether you need the "VIP seating package," remember every spot in the 1,100-seat arena offers a fantastic view of the show.
If you're planning a trip to Medieval Times for dinner, why not make it a day trip and check out these other fun things to do in Buena Park!
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: Pirate's Dinner Adventure
In case you haven't noticed, Orange County has a thing for themed restaurants (and Buena Park itself has a surprisingly ton of fun things to do with kids). But located practically RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Medieval Times (because if you like one, you're bound to like the other, right?), is Pirate's Dinner Adventure. This restaurant sets out to entertain little seafarers with a swashbuckling dinner show that kids will love, especially if they're fans of Captain Hook, Jack Sparrow, or the Neverland Pirates. Your kids will be sold the moment they walk into the main arena and see the stage, a massive pirate ship set that makes the whole place feel small in comparison. Of course, the journey (and spending opportunities) begin way before the theater doors open. Get there 90 minutes early to enjoy a selection of free appetizers which include fried zucchini, fried corn cakes, and other fried stuff that kids will love and you'll love for the sake of it being free. Then, about 30 minutes before showtime, there's the Pirate's "Pre-Show," which gets everyone warmed up to the story (someone is kidnapped!) and ends with a pirate-led walk into the theater.
The show itself is a mixture of choreographed sword battles, short songs, silly pirate banter (including at least two cues for the audience to raise their mugs and "Drink! Drink!"), and circus-style performances including two aerial silk acts and a trampoline bit that'll make kids wish they could go up on stage and jump around. There's also a whole lot of fighting, though we found it harmless enough, and even kids will be able to see that the stage fights are, well, staged (many of the "hits" were noticeably a few inches off). The story is a bit hard to follow: The princess has been kidnapped! But wait, she's in love with a pirate! And oh, there's the Loch Ness Monster! It's, honestly, a bit all over the place, but your kids will be riveted just the same.
Like Medieval Times, everyone gets a pirate to root for, which gives kids a vested interest in paying attention (and makes the whole thing a lot more fun). So wear your team bandana proudly, Mom and Dad!. If your kids are lucky, they may even get a chance to go on stage; about 30 kids in total are called up at various parts throughout the show. Bring a zoom lens: Your little pirates might be taken backstage, dressed in adorable costumes, then brought back on stage far from where you're sitting. And you'll want pictures. Trust us.
As for the food, which (like Medieval Times) is included in the ticket price: It's good for what it is. Just keep in mind you're here to be wowed by the pirates; not the potatoes. Your meal starts with a choice of soup or salad; entrees include roasted chicken with shrimp and vegetable skewers, mashed potatoes and mixed veggies. Kids meals include chicken nuggets with mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and fruit. Cake is the dessert (and our kids literally licked their plates). Vegetarian, vegan, and gluten-free meals are available.
Note: We think the show is appropriate for kids over 5, though sensitive kids or those who don't like loud noises may get scared at the cannon blasts and the appearance of a sea monster toward the end of the show.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie—not only is it amore, it's probably because you're at Micele's, one of Hollywood's oldest Italian joints. These guys serve up pipping hot pizzas, fresh made pastas, and gigantic melt in your mouth meatballs all on old school red and white checkered table clothes.
If you happen to order a bottle of chianti for the table, you'll get to sign it and have it hung up with the rest of them. Just look up to see the hundreds of bottles hanging along the ceiling. But the highlight has to be the entertainment. Be sure to get a seat near the piano player who not only takes requests but sings too. And don't be surprised if your waitress walks over to get in on the musical action.
Insider Tip: The servings are huge, so think about sharing and don't forget to save room for dessert like fresh baked cannoli and spumoni ice cream. Parking is free with validation, a big plus on a crowded night in Hollywood.
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: The Magic Castle
The Magic Castle c/o Vicki Greenleaf
Little magicians will love everything about this place, from their first steps inside (through a secret door behind the bookcase) to the roster of magical performances they can see during their visit (there's a show every 45 minutes!). The first trick? Getting in. Sadly, you have to be a member or be invited by a member, to be admitted into the castle. But, this is LA, where everyone knows someone who knows someone! And up-and-coming magicians are usually more than happy to fill the seats to their shows. So ask around and we bet you have a friend who has a magician's number in their phone. You can also make a weekend of it: Guests of the next-door Magic Castle Hotel get an automatic pass to the Castle.
Dinner at the Castle is offered nightly, but for the sake of your kids' bedtime, we recommend going for the Sunday brunch, which offers a slew of kid-friendly faves including chicken tenders, grilled cheese, waffles and French fries. Of course, no magic is needed to get the kids to finish dessert, a sugary buffet that includes a self-serve ice cream station and trays of sweets. Once you've eaten, you can head down for the show and/or explore the nooks and crannies of the place. Don't miss out on the ghostly piano player, which takes requests.
Note: Your meal includes a ticket to the main stage show, which is the biggest and most extravagant of the shows, but hang around for more; there are two other stages where smaller close-up magic acts take place. If your kids are lucky, they'll be chosen as magician's assistants (sitting in the first few rows helps). And FYI: The dress code is strictly enforced. If your attire is not up to snuff, you'll be asked to change.
Best Themed Restaurants in LA for Kids: Button Mash
Old school video games are at the center of entertainment at Button Mash. Think: PacMan, Street Fighter, Donkey Kong, Moon Walker, a dozen or so pinball machines. And yes, the adults might be just as excited as the kids to get their hands on these machines. Got shorty kids that can't reach the controls? There are step stools available for the vertically challenged.
The set up is easy—play the games via a provided card to swipe each game and the cost is put on your bill. No need for tokens or a bags of quarters. Don't forget to eat though! The asian fusion menu has must-haves like crispy tofu balls, spam fried rice, and dan dan noodles. And definitely save room for dessert because the five spice apple fritters and brick toast are not to be missed.
Insider Tip: Button Mash is all ages until 9 p.m., so go early to get your game on.
Grab a sword and shout, “huzzah!” because Bristol Renaissance Faire is back. The full-on homage to Elizabethan England—complete with costumed characters, period music, jousting tournaments, acrobatic and comedy acts, rides, games and food—is an outdoor village set back from the highway near the Illinois/Wisconsin border. It’s open every weekend beginning July 9 through September 5. To make the most of your visit, these are your must-dos.
Knights spar (and tell jokes) on horseback in the dirt arena at the Faire's north end. The jousting tournaments only happen a few times a day and fill up fast. Like, get-there-a-half-hour-early fast. So, check the schedule when you arrive and plan accordingly. If you don't care about grabbing a coveted bleacher seat, you can probably score a spot on the grass a few minutes before the show.
Go ahead — let loose. People not only dress the part of Elizabethan-era royalty, pirates and peasants, but they speak it, too. It's hard to decipher who among you wearing a velvet cloak and talking with an English accent actually works there. And it really doesn't matter, because the whole experience is like walking through a play. If you don't come in costume, you can buy one there. There are shops selling everything from bodices to leather boots to clay devil's horns.
They're almost as big as a child's head and no silverware is required (or given). If this isn't photo opp gold, we don't know what is. Oh, and they don't taste half bad, either. Actually, they're excellent.
Infants and toddlers are welcome. . . and they'll feel right at peaceful home in Nobles Glade.
The most serene area of the Faire is this grassy sweep at the far north end. Spread out a blanket and enjoy a bit of tranquility. The Glade borders a picturesque pond and is where the Queen and her court are known to hang when not holding sway over the jousting tournaments.
Your kid's one and only chance to be officially named a Lord or a Lady. Queen Elizabeth herself shows up in Kids' Kingdom for the celebrated Knighting Ceremony, at which she personally dubs all attending children lords and ladies.
Have your kids sit upon one of the thrones at the entrance of the Kids' Kingdom for the ultimate photo-opp experience. Choose from the Pirate Throne will all its shiny plunder, the Fairy Throne, the nasty-wasty Dragon Throne, the Jester Throne for your little joker or the Queen Elizabeth throne for your princess in waiting.
The Faire is set up like a real village — town pubs, merchants and all. In the midst of it, due east of the Ship Swings ride, is the unmarked Fairie Glen. This is where sprites in beautiful costumes and makeup flit through the grass. They don't talk, but engage with kids in truly mesmerizing ways through expression and movement. Get your camera out.
Pirates hang out at Blackfriars Tavern — and they're super-friendly.
This pit stop in the middle of the grounds is manned by a chatty pirate who knows how to work a crowd (i.e.: G-rated jokes when kids are around and bawdy humor when they're not). The stand sells soda, lemonade, water and beer by the bottle or on draft. If you leave any of the workers a tip, they ring a bell and make a scene.
The Sturdy Beggars Mud Show has been a highlight of this fair for many years. If you're looking for raucous (albeit kid-friendly) fun, it's a must-see. Three men do joke-y antics before a crowd and along the way, mud gets slung. You can imagine how it ends, with the actors practically dive-bombing into a mud pit. For more funny stuff, check out MooNie the Magnifi'Cent on the Globe Stage. He's a juggling, clowning fool, and you really must grab a seat near the front to catch all the fun.
Most cars make a beeline for the main lot, where parking close to the entrance is $5. But if you don't mind walking, there is a free parking lot just north of the main lot. Shhh... your secret.
Your kids get to throw tomatoes at someone's face — without getting in trouble
At the far end of the Faire, next to the jousting arena, pull your pitching arm back and fire away. Your job (for a small fee) is to throw tomatoes at a guy peering out from a wooden shed. He'll give you plenty of reasons to take aim, starting with tossing insults your way. Don't worry, parents, they take it easy on kids with fun, innocent humor. No wonder they call this attraction Vegetable Justice!
Okay, nuff said, but we'll give you the scoop. This is an area of the fair designed just for kids. They will explore pirate ships, adventure among the hobbit houses, meet fairy tale characters, hear stories, have pretend picnics, see stage shows galore and play games. Kids will go wild over The Painted Lady, who lets kids add paint to her canvas dress while she weaves stories. What's not to love about all that?
Bristol Renaissance Faire
Located off I-94 at the Illinois/Wisconsin border
Open Sat., Sun. & Labor Day, Jul. 9-Sept. 5
Hours: 10 a.m.-7 p.m. daily
Admission: $30/adults; $15/ages 5-12; free for ages 4 & under
Online: renfaire.com
Ready to head back to the theater? There are lots of live kids shows in NYC ready to entertain with family-friendly fare. Broadway favorites like Wicked and The Lion King are going strong, puppet shows are playing, and new takes on kid classics are taking to the stage. Plus: The Story Pirates, Dogman and so many bubbles. (A gazillion, in fact.) For more spring fun, check out our Must-Do in NYC for the season, the new free and fun events around town and where to head out on a spring day trip when it’s time for an adventure. (And if you’re headed to a show, don’t forget to check the theater’s vaccine and mask requirements, as policies vary.)
92Y
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
For a new take on a children’s classic, check out this show at 92Y. The setup: It’s the first day at Camp Yomi and Goldilocks finds herself in quite a porridge with three of the nicest tap-dancing bears you could ever hope to meet. It’s part of the Theater for Young Audiences series, which features modern shows for families with kids ages 2-11. Masks must be worn by all 2 ages and older and proof of vaccination is required.
Tickets: $20
May 1 & May 8, 11:30 a.m. & 1 p.m.
Buttenweiser Hall
92Y
1395 Lexington Ave.
Upper East Side
212-415-5500
Online: 92y.org
New York City Opera
The Barber of Seville
New York City Opera presents a family-friendly version of The Barber of Seville. Gioachino Rossini’s sparkling music animates the hijinks of Figaro, opera’s most famous barber. The performance is 75 minutes, sung in Italian, and is appropriate for all ages. New York City Opera’s Opera for Kids! program is a popular series of hour-long, family-friendly adaptations of classic operas narrated by General Director Michael Capasso. These performances, followed by a Q&A with the cast, have given thousands of elementary and preschool-aged children their first taste of live opera.
Sun., May 8, 10 a.m. & 2 p.m.
Theater at St. Jean’s
150 E. 76th St.
Upper East Side NYC
Online: nycopera.com
iStock
New Victory Theater Online & In-Person
One of the premier producers of children’s theater in New York City, the New Victory Theater is currently offering Stono from Step Afrika! on demand for $15 through May 22. A story of resistance, resilience and reclamation, Stono fills the screen with music and dance to honor the artistry and activism borne out of the body as a percussive instrument. From traditions of the ring shout to contemporary stepping, Step Afrika! reveals the hidden histories and resounding rhythms that transformed America.
From June 4-26 the theater will present Leonardo! A Wonderful Show About a Terrible Monster, featuring a story by children’s author Mo Willems. Leonardo tries so hard to be scary. But… he just isn’t. When he searches far and wide for a friend to frighten, he discovers Sam, who is scared of anything and everything! With puppets, projections and live music, this performance will surprise you with its cinema-sized story about fright, feelings and friendship. It’s recommended for kids ages 4-7. Tickets are $25.
New Victory Theater
209 W. 42nd St.
Times Square
646-223-3010
Online: newvictory.org
CityParks Puppetmobile
CityParks PuppetMobile’s Little Red’s Hood
The CityParks PuppetMobile is the oldest continually operating company of its kind in the country and you can enjoy its shows for free. From May to October, you can catch an updated version of Little Red Riding Hood, “Little Red’s Hood.” (She’s a city dweller who is obsessed with her smartphone.) Performances are held in parks in every borough, in English, Spanish and Mandarin.
The Omnium Circus is part of the Forward Festival of the Arts, the Queens Theatre’s national festival highlighting the artistry of Deaf/Disabled performers. Its diverse cast from all over the globe is multitalented, multi-racial and multi-abled. The show “I’Mpossible,” tells the story of a young boy who dreams of joining the circus. Join Johny as he enters a world of beautiful aerial artistry, flying hula hoops, the daring art of free-standing ladder, Cyr wheel, contortion, and more. Along the way, he encounters the antics of the King Charles Unicycle basketball troupe and the hilarious comedy of Rob and Miss Jane.
Tickets: $25 – $35
Sat., May 14, 2 & 8 p.m.
14 United Nations Ave S.
The Claire Shulman Theater at Queens Theatre
718-760-0064
Online: queenstheatre.org
Neil Dent
Full Radius Dance
Full Radius Dance, a professional physically integrated modern dance company based in Atlanta, GA, is also performing as part of the Queens Theatre’s Forward Festival of the Arts. During Alice, Peter, and Dorothy, the company examines the fantasy novels Alice in Wonderland, Peter and Wendy, and The Wizard of Oz through a disability-centric lens, asking, “How does disability inform the authors’ work? What rhetoric in the novels minimalizes and/or normalizes the visual or invisible mark of disability?” In Undercurrents, dancers flow on and off the stage in currents of movement, pulling the dance in unexpected directions. Partnerships are created and washed away, subtle shifts create dramatic effects, and hidden feelings and impulses run below the surface.
Tickets: $25
Sun., May 15, 3 p.m.
14 United Nations Ave S.
The Claire Shulman Theater at Queens Theatre
718-760-0064
Online: queenstheatre.org
The Story Pirates: Cats Sit On You
Love The Story Pirates? (Who doesn’t?) Now’s your chance to see The Story Pirates live on stage, featuring Lee and Peter from the popular Story Pirates Podcast. If you’ve never seen them live, you’ll be amazed (and very entertained) as the Pirates bring ideas suggested by kids in the audience to life on the spot with inspired improvisation. Plus: fun and silly songs. This performance is a benefit for Story Pirates Changemakers, The Story Pirates’ non-profit arm that is committed to making Story Pirates programs accessible to under-resourced kids and families. It’s a win-win all around.
Tickets: General admission/$35; VIP tickets/$100 (VIP Tickets include seating in priority section and a post-show meet and greet on stage with the cast.)
Sun., May 15, 5 p.m.
The Manhattan Center’s Grand Ballroom
311 West 34th St.
Midtown West
Online: one.bidpal.net
Feld Entertainment
Sesame Street Live! Let’s Party!
If you missed the Sesame Street gang at MSG this spring, take heart. Those who need to see Elmo and crew can head to the UBS Area in Belmont Park, NY. This is an all-new, interactive show that unfolds on one of the world’s most famous streets at the funniest, furriest party in the neighborhood. Learn new songs and sing along to familiar favorites with Oscar and Cookie Monster; build a snowman with Elmo; flap your wings with Big Bird; marvel at Abby’s magic; be amazed when Super Grover flies, and move to the rhythm with Rosita. You can see it a few times throughout the day, with doors opening at 9:30 a.m. for the earliest!
May 14 & 15, multiple showtimes
Tickets: $25 and up
UBS Arena
2150 Hempstead Tpke.
Belmont Park, NY Online: ticketmaster.com
Dog Man: The Musical
Dog Man: The Musical, based on the popular book series by Dav Pilkey (who also created the beloved character Captain Underpants) is a new production that follows the chronicles of Dog Man, who with the head of a dog and the body of a policeman, loves to fight crime and chew on the furniture. But while trying his best to be a good boy, he must save the city from Flippy the cyborg fish and his army of Beasty Buildings. It’s an epic musical adventure with lots of laughs and lots of heart. Recommended for ages 6-10.
Tickets: $15; $55/four tickets
Sun., May 29, 1 & 3 p.m.
Queens Theatre
14 United Nations Ave. South
Flushing Meadows-Corona Park
718-760-0064
Online: queenstheatre.org
A Midsummer Night’s Dream
The George Balanchine ballet that opened the New York City Ballet’s first season in 1964 returns to close the 2022 season. Shakespeare’s tale of love and romance, forest fairies, intrigue and mischief is set to Felix Mendelssohn’s score. The final performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream on Sunday, May 29 at 3 p.m. will also be the farewell performance for Principal Dancer Amar Ramasar, who joined he ballet in 2001.
Tickets: $38-$205
May 21-29
David H. Koch Theater
Lincoln Center
Upper West Side
1-877-
Online: nycballet.com
The Gazillion Bubble Show
The Gazillion Bubble Show is back at New World Stages. The hour-long bubble spectacle features bubble magic, bubble sculptures, lasers, lighting effects and more. You may even find yourself in a giant bubble (if you’re lucky).
Tickets: $59-$100
New World Stages
Stage 2
340 W. 50th St.
Midtown
212-239-6200
Online: gazillionbubbleshow.com
Wicked
Wicked has been rocking it at the Gershwin Theatre since 2003, and you can still drop into Oz today. The musical tells the tale of what happened before Dorothy Gale arrived, when Glinda the “good” witch and Elphaba (AKA the green-skinned Wicked Witch of the West) were first rivals, and then friends. You get big show-stopping numbers, incredible costumes and sets, and a story about how relationships, romantic and otherwise, are often complicated. (Plus, for fans of the original movie, some cool “origin stories.”) The show is recommended for ages eight and up, and no one under five is admitted. It runs two hours and 45 minutes with a 15-minute intermission. (Added bonus: the Gershwin Theatre is filled with Broadway memorabilia and photos of the many, many stage legends who have performed there over the decades.)
Tickets: $89 and up
Ongoing
222 W. 51st St.
Times Square
212-586-6510
Online: wickedthemusical.com
Matthew Murphy
The Lion King
Based on the 1994 Disney movie, The Lion King is another longtime Broadway favorite. (It opened in 1997 and more than 100 million people have seen the show.) There’s a reason: between Julie Taymor’s incredible vision, transforming performers into the animals of Africa’s grassy plains and Elton John’s stirring music, it’s a one-of-a-kind spectacle. Insider tip: for maximum “wow” factor, grab an aisle seat to get close-up views of performers entering the theater in all their glory. The Lion King is recommended for kids ages six and up; no children under two are admitted and all audience members must have a ticket. It runs two hours and 30 minutes.
Tickets: $109 and up
Minskoff Theatre
200 W. 45th St.
866-870-2717
Online: lionking.com
Your little skippers will be ready for a high-seas adventure after learning a few fun words and phrases and their nautical origins. And if you like these, check out our pirate dictionary. You never know, one of these terms just might bale you out of the doldrums in just a couple of shakes. Read on!
Adrift: Evolved from the word ‘drift’ or float, it became a way of describing a ship moved by wind and tides. It is now used to describe anything that is lost, as in, “Her matching sock were adrift among the piles of laundry.”
Bale/bale out: To remove water from a vessel, this phrase now means to help someone out of a sticky situation. (Note: alternate, Old nautical English spelling of bail).
Becalm: To cut off the wind from the sails of a ship. Can be used interchangeably with sooth, as in, “The mother was able to becalm her child temporarily with the promise of a cookie.”
Booby: A fearless little sea bird that is known for being easy to catch. The term booby or boob is sometimes used to describe someone who may not be that bright.
Bumboat: A privately owned boat that sells goods or merchandise. Fun to say.
Caboose: Sure, you know it as the little red car at the end of a train but a ship has a caboose too! It’s the kitchen or galley on a small ship.
Cats paws: A term to describe small waves produced by light, variable winds on otherwise calm waters.
Chew (chewing) the fat: Salt pork or fatty, jerky-like meat was common food on sailing vessels as it lasted a long time without rotting. Sailors would complain about the food while gnawing away at the fat, thus the term became synonymous with gabbing, casual conversation or gossip.
Cranky: A crank was an unstable ship or vessel, now a term to describe a toddler who hasn’t napped.
Cringle: Not to be confused with Kris Kringle or the delicious pastry, kringle, this nautical term describes a rope loop at the corner of a sail for fixing the sail to the spar (see definition of spar below).
Dinghy: A dinghy can be a small boat carried or towed by a larger ship, often inflatable and used as a life raft; a type of racing yacht; or a rowboat.
Dog watch: A short watch period (for sailors on deck) from 4–6 p.m. or 6–8 p.m. it can also refer to any night shift, most often the last shift. As in, “Tonight Dad was on dogwatch for the little one’s feeding so mom could get some much-needed sleep.”
Doldrums: An area in the equatorial region of the Atlantic Ocean with calms, sudden storms and unpredictable but light winds. Because of the variable weather ships would get stuck in the doldrums. Now we use it as a term to describe being stuck or stagnant. As in, “Our nightly dinner routine is in the doldrums.”
Dolphin: A man-made structure in the sea or river used as a marker.
Earings: Nope, not (earrings) the kind with bling. These are the small lines that secure the upper corners of the largest sail to the yardarms. (See below for yardarms definition).
Fore and aft: From stem to stern or lengthwise of a ship. “Please vacuum your room fore and aft and not just the entryway.”
Ghost: To sail slowly.
Gob-stoppers: Grapeshot put in the mouth of a young, gabby sailor. Now used to describe the hard, chipped-tooth-inducing candy.
Grapeshot: Small cannonballs; basically smallish balls of lead fired from a canon used to damage rigging or aimed directly at sailors on an enemy ship (cannon balls would be used to cause more structural damage and sink the ship).
Hog: A rough flat scrubbing brush for cleaning the ship’s bottom underwater. No comment.
Horse: To move or adjust a sail by hand, using brute force rather than running rigging.
Hulk: An old ship that has become obsolete. (not all that incredible).
Jack, also jack tar: A sailor. Also sometimes a flag on a ship.
Jury rig: The act of rigging temporary mast or sails, also the actual mast or sail that has been temporarily rigged. This is now used interchangeably with makeshift.
Mind your P’s & Q’s: When sailors would go to a port town and visit the local tavern, the barkeepers would give them credit. A “P” would indicate pint and a “Q” was a quart. So when payday came and it time to pay their tab, they’d be minding their Ps and Qs. It is now considered a term for good manners.
Ship Shape: A term now used to say something is clean, tidy and ready to go, in the 1800s, ships were inspected to make sure they were okay to port. If a vessel was in “ship shape” it was free of disease or other unsavories. “Timmy’s room was in ship shape before the play date.”
Show your true colors: A warship would have many colored flags on board to try and deceive enemy ships. The true color would only be revealed when it was too late. Now it’s a term used to describe someone who has shown their true nature.
Spar: Not to be confused with the verb which means to fight, a spar is a pole, usually of wood or metal, used to support the ship’s sail. Sometimes called a pelican striker.
Spin a yarn: This phrase means to tell a story or a tale and is comes from the stories sailors would tell to pass the time while doing monotonous tasks such as making spun-yarn.
Starboard and Port: Starboard is the ship’s right and port its left. Fun fact: the term “posh” originated from port out, starboard home, said to be the way to get the best view, and so where the elite class was seated or bunked.
Two shakes or a couple of shakes: Used to describe a short period of time, as in, “Give me two shakes and I’ll have your PB&J ready.” Sailors would measure short periods of time by the shaking of the sails.
Whole nine yards: Old ships had three masts, each of which had three-yard sails, so the whole nine yards meant all sails were up. Now it means all of something.
Yardarms: Either end of a yard of a square sail.
What’s your favorite nautical term or phrase? Share it with us in the comments below.
If you’re looking for a fun way to get the kids outside for their daily dose of sunshine and exercise, how about a treasure hunt? Create an adventure deep into the wilds (of your backyard or even indoors) following a map that just might lead to something grand where X marks the spot. From how to set the stage to how to create a map, we’ve got everything you need to know. Gather up the little mateys; it’s time for a pirate treasure hunt!
Set the Scene
Meghan Rose
The first thing you need to do is set the scene. If you’re a born storyteller, you can make up a wild tale to spin at bedtime. Something about how you’ve been waiting for them to finally be old enough to hear the tale of how you came to be the owner of a secret pirate map that you suspect might lead to a treasure. Then let your imagination lead you! Perhaps you were exploring an old pirate ship and found this old map tucked away in a hidden nook on the ship.
If your kiddos are young, you can go crazy with a tale of having been taken captive and held hostage by a brand of brigands and narrowly escaped with your life, and you happened to tuck this map in your boots as you got away. Or, if you’re no Meryl Streep, the story can be simple and just as effective. Perhaps you bring out an old book that looks dusty and musty—as if it might hold a few secrets, and let them discover the map for themselves.
Create a Map
Meghan Rose
Next, you’ll need to produce a map! It’s pretty easy to make one that looks fairly authentic. You can either draw one (with specific clues about where you’ll be hunting) or print one out that you find online. Then to age it, follow these steps:
Tear the edges off in a ragged shape.
Crumple the paper up and smooth it out.
Steep a couple of black tea bags in a cup of hot water. Pour this over the map in a baking dish and let it sit for about 15 minutes, or until the color you like is reached. Pour off the tea.
You can let it dry naturally, or add a layer of “age” to it by drying it out in a low (200 degree) oven. Watch to make sure it doesn’t burn.
Where does this treasure hunt take place? The short answer is anywhere! It can be your backyard, or a park, the woods or even at home. You can tailor or draw your map to fit the location, but unless your kids are older and more sophisticated, it won’t really be necessary. Kids are so much better at suspending belief and playing pretend than we are, they’re usually willing to play along. Some imaginative kids will even start embellishing the story for you (Or digging out a compass and spyglass to help hunt.)!
Don’t Forget the Treasure
Meghan Rose
Of course, you’ve got to have a treasure! Again, this can be as elaborate or as simple as you like. The Oriental Trading Company, a drug store, discount store or craft stores are all great places to get treasure and pirate goodies. Mix in a bag of “gold” (aka pennies) and some “gems” (rhinestones from a fabric store), and you’re good to go!
Don’t forget something to hide the treasure in. It could be a treasure chest if you happen to have one lying around, but a wooden box, cloth bag or old tin works just as well. Rub it up with dirt, hide it in a backpack (or bury it in the backyard), and away you go! If you're doing this outdoors, don't forget your shovels for digging.
The Hunt Is On
Meghan Rose
You can guide the adventure, or let little mateys lead the way … they’ll follow even a made-up map and find their own markers (if the map shows two trees, kids will spot two trees, or a big rock, etc). If you happen to drop a "doubloon" or "gem" for kids to find and realize they're on the right path, their excitement level will only increase. As soon as excitement wanes or tired feet set in, it’s time to scout ahead and dig a shallow hole and hide the treasure. Mark the spot with an ‘X’ and shout to the kids that the treasure must be near.
When it comes to pantry organization, there are few hard and fast rules to follow, like group like items together, clean out expired products regularly and place the most often used items within reach. But if you want to really level up your pantry storage and make it the most efficient space ever, you’ve got to try these storage hacks. It may just become your favorite area in the house!
Experts unanimously agree—if there is one pantry storage hack you must do to make your life better (and not just for aesthetics), it's to take everything you can out of the box, put it into clear jars or containers, and label them. The choice of container is up to you, whether you prefer glass canisters for a more farm-style look or a more modern, minimalistic take, but the real reason to do institute this change? As gross as it sounds, this is the best way to avoid bug infestations—you can easily see if there's a problem in your flour, sugar, oats or pancake mix without contaminating your whole pantry.
Pro Tip: Look for wide-mouth jars so the goods are easy to get and ones with lids that have a seal.
One of our favorite pantry organization hacks of all time is adding a lazy Susan (or two or three) to pantry shelves. Not only does this little spinner save space, but bottles also won't get lost in the back corner, and the handy handles make carrying it in and out of the pantry easy peasy.
Organizing pantry storage starts with pulling everything out, throwing out expired products, donating any non-perishables you know you aren't going to use and wiping down the shelves. But before you put everything back (in an organized manner, of course), why not add a cheerful wallpaper to the walls? What is typically a dark, uninviting space is now fun, bright and welcoming.
While this wallpaper is out of stock, we love these peel and stick options from Etsy.
Sometimes, not even a bright colorful wallpaper can help a dark space. If that's the case, you can easily install lighting (no electrician required!) with motion-sensor, battery-operated LED lights that will brighten all those shadowy corners in less than ten minutes.
File this under "Brilliant." These wire magazine holders have been reimagined as produce containers! The wire frame allows sufficient airflow to keep veggies from rotting, and the depth of the magazine racks was designed to fit on shelves.
For larger items that are hard to contain (we're looking at you, bags and bags of Pirate Booty), or items you don't need access to all that often (food processor parts), add a couple of baskets with handles to the shelves. These beauties also stack, so if your shelf height allows it, you can add a few on top of each other—just add labels, so you know what's inside without having to pull each of them down to sort through them.
Got a thing for spice? We do too, which is why this clever spice rack is by far one of the best pantry organization hacks we've seen yet. Take advantage of the inside of your cabinet by installing narrow shelves and magnetic plates to keep all your flavors handy yet out of the way. Pro Tip: Make sure to install the racks so they don't run into the shelves on the inside cabinet.
Cans may stack easily, but there's nothing worse than trying to get to the bottom can by having to move all the other cans first. This 36-can organizer eliminates that problem and keeps the cans rolling from back to front as you use them. Group like items together, and you'll never get caught without black beans, corn or peas again.
Another great use of unused cabinet door space? Acrylic storage bins that can hold awkward-shaped items you need to access regularly like aluminum foil and sandwich baggies.
Another addition to the celebrity June baby crew! Ewan McGregor and his partner Mary Elizabeth Winstead welcomed a baby boy, as confirmed by two of his daughters. It’s the couple’s first child together, joining four children from McGregor’s previous marriage.
Both Clara and Esther posted sweet shots holding their new baby brother on Instagram. “Welcome to the world little brother ❤️ congratulations to my Dad & Mary – this is the greatest gift,” Clara wrote. Esther humorously added “Met my little brother looking like a pirate. I recommend! Welcome to the family little Laurie.”
McGregor and Winstead starred in the 2020 film Birds of Prey together and both have established long, successful acting careers. In keeping with many pandemic babies, neither divulged publicly that they were expecting a child. Both were previously married and McGregor has four daughters with production designer Eve Mavrakis.
Congratulations to the happy couple! We can’t wait to see more cute photos of their new addition.
