Whelp we’ve made it to Christmas. It’s the time of year where one’s heart should grow three sizes and goodwill should be sprinkled like the curse words you use while trying to find the last-minute gift that your child decided was the gift of the year that you did not buy.

This is also the time of year where grief hits me hard. We recently sat down with our eager three-year-old and asked her what she hopes Santa will bring her. It was a complete fail as her belief in St. Nick is so pure this year her response was: “He knows what I want.” I want to be like, he really doesn’t so if you can help us so we don’t have the repeat of last year—where she asked numerous times who got her this? And then her famous, “Well I don’t like it.”

She keeps us on our toes so we have a backup fund labeled “Vivi” if she decides to give us a list.

But then there is my sweet seven-year-old boy Whit. He doesn’t communicate in the conventional way. I always think of the song from Bandaid “Does he know it’s Christmas time at all?!”

This year, for the first time ever, he marveled at the tree. We’ve tried to set up pictures in hopes of getting some kind of idea of what he wants for Christmas. I’m usually not an organized Christmas shopper. My husband and I have been known to run to Target on Christmas Eve for a last-minute Christmas gift or ten.

I think Whit’s not caring has given me this, “What’s the point attitude.” As I load a virtual cart with things, I think, “Will this be the year?! Will this be the time he acknowledges a gift and plays with it properly?!” Usually, it’s a no and there is always a twinge of disappointment. We have a closet full of gifts we thought would work but have backfired horribly.

Why do we keep them you may be asking? Because as a mom I have this mindset that there is always next year. There’s always next year to try Santa again. There’s always next year to get a Christmas list from Whit. There’s always next year. Then my mind wanders to what if there isn’t ever a year where he cares? What if all the Christmas buying, and therapy to help Whit process any celebration is all done in vain because I’m the mom who can’t let go and accept our reality? I get that way when people ask us for a Christmas list for Whit. He’s possibly into LEGOs, he seems to like to watch us attempt to put them together.

This is the first year that our 3-year-old is 100% sold on Christmas and I’m living up every moment of it but at the same time hoping and praying that maybe this will be the year that Whitman will open a gift, be excited, acknowledge us and play with it. I know that’s a huge hope—I’d take any of that sequence in a heartbeat. We are building our three-year-old a Target and Starbucks for our playroom. While ordering all the supplies and in my excitement, my husband stopped me and said: “I don’t want to ruin this for you but what about Whit?!” I tried to convince him that Whit has been showing interest in pretend play with his sister so fingers crossed. I added a few extra gifts for Whit to keep it even in hopes that maybe this will the year.

So here’s to the mom’s and dad’s who are feeling this too. May this be the year our kids surprise us in the best way, especially in a time where we are told to be happy but we grieve the loss of childhood traditions. May we find new holiday traditions that work for us. It’s not about the presents, I know, but sometimes it feels like it is. It’s about the love we have for each other and a reminder of how far we come in the last year even in the midst of a global pandemic. May this be the year of letting go, seeing the good, and having a little bit of hope.

This post originally appeared on The Althaus Life
Photo: The Althaus Life

 

Lindsey is a mom, wife, and blogger at The Althaus Life. She lives in Ohio with her husband and 2 children. Lindsey is grateful all things and to be able to chronicle her beautifully broken laugh til you cry cry until you laugh life.

Three’s not a crowd for Alexa and Carlos PenaVega! The former Spy Kids star and Big Time Rush bandmate welcomed their third child, daughter Rio into the world, more than a month early.

“Little Rio could not wait to come out and play with her brothers! Momma is feeling good and baby girl is kicking some serious booty in the NICU. Praying we can all be home together very soon! What a wave of emotions,” the PenaVegas both shared on Instagram.

Carlos PenaVega added, “I lift up my wifey @vegaslexa on this Mother’s Day. YOU ARE A CHAMP! I could never do what you do,” he added. “The best momma to our 2 boys and now little girl. Thank you for being a solid rock for this family❤️.”

Baby Rio joins brothers Ocean King, 4, and Kingston James, 1 ½. Alexis PenaVega revealed last month on Instagram that her daughter’s due date was in June. Sending good thoughts to the expanded PenaVega family!

—Sarah Shebek

Featured image courtesy of Kathy Hutchins / Shutterstock.com

 

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Photo: Cody Speaks

I think back to how we got here and how great Cody is doing and it’s hard to remember the really hard times. The passage of time lessens that pain and for that I am grateful. I do remember for so long I just got up day after day putting one foot in front of the other just doing but not really understanding where we were going or if it truly will get better. Just in survival mode really.

As I sit here thinking how far we’ve all come and how we’re all still together loving each other and still learning from one another I am grateful. I used to pray every night the same prayer to simply make everything better—to simply make my son better. I was bartering with God that I would give absolutely anything to help my son money, health, my life—anything! I would scream this over and over.

Instead, I was given insight, patience, wisdom and perception of better understanding. I now know that’s what I should have been praying for all along.

I am grateful for so many things.

I am grateful I haven’t lost my mind.

I am grateful I learned how to connect with my son.

I am grateful I now know this different life can be amazing and I’m in no way saying it’s easy but whose life is easy anyway?

I guarantee every single person has that “something”—their own struggle. I count my blessings every night when I’m struggling with anything whether it’s a thought or circumstance—still I count them. If I went back in time and could have looked into my future I don’t think I would have believed how far I would come or how far Cody would come. I was sure I wouldn’t make it but I have. We all have.

Our family has been through so much in this journey and if you’re living this you completely understand. Learning how to navigate the world when things are different and learning what to be grateful for. Cody is now able to tolerate shopping and even window shopping. I remember when he was little the screaming—the tantrums—the floppy drops—the running and just how exhausting it was and how every single time we went out it was the same as the time before, never seeming to get any better.

I’m telling you it can change and it has changed. But I am also telling you it has not been by accident this has happened or by some miracle. It has simply been for the sheer fact that we have worked so very hard to achieve these things. Think of it this way: If you were never taught how to act or practiced better behavior or given the tools when you needed them where would you be? We all need tools and coping strategies and to be taught how to navigate the world and simply to be great examples. Study and learn and be that great example and figure out how best to relate to others that perceive the world differently. Try to see from a different view and maybe just maybe you’ll have a better understanding. Most of all love all no matter what differences and be grateful we can learn from one another.

 

feature image via iStock

I am a parent to a son who is diagnosed with nonverbal severe autism with ID. I share our journey on facebook Cody Speaks. Cody has come farther than we were ever told. We were told to institutionalize him he would never learn. He learns every day and speaks.

I see you doing it all.

I see you down on the floor helping your child get through a meltdown.

I see you exhausted in the night, as you wake up hourly to settle your child but then get up with them at 4 a.m. to start your day.

I see you longing for the diaper-free days as you continue to change your 7-year-old.

I see you feeding your child whatever they will willingly eat and be worried sick about their growth.

I see you at the pharmacy buying the stool softeners and probiotics because you’re desperate for your child to get relief.

I see you checking the emails late at night and trying to construct a response to the teacher about your child’s behaviors from the day.

I see you on the phone advocating and fighting for the supports and services that your child needs.

I see you covering the scratches on your arm because people will judge your child instead of offering to understand.

I see you worrying about your other children. I see you feeling guilty as you try to meet all the needs of every member of your family.

I see you desperate for a word, a sound….anything that will keep perpetuating hope.

I see you skipping meals because you’re so busy with appointments, cleaning and daily care that you forget to eat.

I see you trying to keep up with the dishes and laundry, homework and suppers.

I see you tired deep in your soul but still pushing forward, still showing up every single day.

I see you sitting through the therapies and appointments always doing what needs to be done for your child.

I see you praying hard for peace, comfort, progress and sleep.

I see you constantly completing paperwork for insurance wondering if it will ever end.

I see you dealing with family and friends who just don’t understand.

I see you crying silently in the shower because you’re stretched so thin trying to do it all.

I see you as the beautiful Mama that you are.

I see you showing up every day for your family.

I see your worries and fears for the future.

But most importantly:

I see your strength.

I see your dedication.

I see that you’re amazing.

I see that you’re doing a great job.

No one else can fill your shoes.

I see how much you love and how loved you are.

I see the difference that you’re making for your family.

You are everything.

You are enough.

I will always see you.

This post originally appeared on Stalen’s Way Blog.
Feature image via iStock.

I am a proud wife, ASD Mom, Step-Mom. At 21 months, my son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He is 5 years old and non-verbal. I have become a full-time stay-at-home mom. I am 1000% focused on raising autism awareness and helping my son live a full and fun life. 

Spring is in the air, and that means it’s time to introduce my favorite toddler gardening activities! Gardening is great for kids ages 2-5 because it builds skills, gets them away from screens, and connects them with the big, wide world. Especially now, when there are fewer opportunities to get out and involved in the community, gardening can be another link in their social chain.

While it might sound exhausting to some moms, gardening with toddlers can be a lot of fun if you manage your expectations. Let’s be clear: there will be no Better Homes & Gardens cover images from your backyard. Your toddler will need to learn what they can and can’t do in the garden, and will probably make some mistakes along the way. But you’ll have something better than a pristine backyard: an occupied toddler!

Here are 7 concrete ways to get your toddler gardening that will keep them busy for at least fifteen minutes.

1. Planting
If you’re sowing plants with big seeds, call up the toddler troops. Pea, bean, squash, and sunflower seeds are the perfect sizes for little hands with limited coordination.

Start by grabbing a muffin tin and pressing it into the ground. This makes perfectly spaced indentations as a guide for your child. Have them poke one hole in each indentation (or one hole per pot if you’re gardening with containers). This will be about half the length of their pointer finger. Then they can practice putting one seed in each hole and covering it. In a few days, they’ll be rewarded with adorable green sprouts.

2. Watering
You know your kids best, so you can judge what exactly they can handle. Some toddlers might be able to use a partially filled adult-sized watering can. Others might be better suited to a toy watering can, or holding the hose with you. You can also make homemade watering cans using a milk jug with holes poked in the side. Finally, you might have a very young toddler whose best bet is a measuring cup filled and emptied over and over on some very sturdy plants.

3. Bug checks
One of the best ways to keep your garden pest-free is regularly picking bugs off your plants by hand. This is the perfect job for toddlers in the garden, especially those who love creepy-crawlies. I know my toddler just loves this job. (Well actually, she might just enjoy eating beetles.)

Teach your little one to identify good bugs like spiders, ladybugs, praying mantises. Then, learn what common bad bugs look like, including tomato hornworms, Japanese beetles, squash bugs. When you go out, bring a bucket of warm, soapy water around your garden. Every time they find one, have them drop it in the bucket.

4. Weeding
Of all the toddler gardening activities, this is the most dubious. After all, you don’t want your prized, heirloom tomato seedlings yanked up by an eager three-year-old!

I suggest only letting toddlers join your weeding team in July or later. Your veggies should be quite large by then, and the weeds are (hopefully) much smaller. Most older toddlers can follow a simple rule of “only pull the little ones.”

The other challenge with letting toddlers help weed is that they’re unlikely to have great technique. Instead of digging in and pulling weeds out by the roots, they’re likely to only yank aboveground leaves. If you’re making weeding a regular part of your daily schedule (or even just once or twice a week) this will be fine. Pulling weeds often is what prevents them from taking over.

5. Loading wheelbarrows 
Sometimes, you just want to do all the weeding yourself. That’s okay, because kids can still get involved by loading up wheelbarrows. Have them follow behind you, gleefully chucking little handfuls of weeds into the wheelbarrow.

Warning: some handfuls will probably end up on you, the toddler, or other passing siblings.

6. Harvesting
Is there anything more rewarding than picking your fruits and vegetables after weeks of hard work? Get your little guys used to that joy and excitement by letting them help with the fun stuff, not just the work.

Obviously, some plants are less-suited to toddler harvesting than others. Plants that could be damaged by rough pulling are probably not a good bet for independent gathering. Toddlers should also be supervised to make sure they only pick ripe fruits.

7. Fall clean up
When the summer has passed and all that’s left of your garden is dried vines and stalks, it’s time to put your beds to bed. Toddlers are easily amused by the idea that gardens go “nighty night” for the winter and need to be tucked in, so let them help.

Have them wear those cute little gardening gloves (or snow mittens, if that’s easier) and yank up all non-perennial plants. I recommend using gloves because some common plants like squashes, cucumbers, and pumpkins, have very prickly vines.

Once everything’s out of the ground, have them help put compost on the beds. Fall is a great time to add nutrients to your garden because weeds won’t immediately grow and deplete them. Plus, the cold weather gives your compost time to fully break down and mix into the soil.

Have your little tike help you shovel 2-3 inches of fresh compost onto your beds. This job is ideal for toddlers because it requires no accuracy, serious muscles, or dexterity. If your kid can chuck their dinner off the table, they’ll do just fine with compost.

As a bonus, they get messy! (Ok, maybe that’s not a selling point…)

This post originally appeared on Homegrown Hillary.

Hillary is a former high school teacher who went rogue and became a freelance writer. She's also a certified doula and yes, she'd love to hear your birth story. When not offering support and advice to families, she tends to her garden, two tiny humans, husband, and cat.

   

It’s only been a short period of time that I’ve stood beside Kanen in this autism journey—6 months ago to be exact is when I heard the official words that changed my world. I don’t know what it is about those words that find a way into a mother’s soul and crushes her spirt but they do. I think mainly because we know this world is not designed for different. It’s simply not made for our child.

During the grieving process you might find your self slipping into the darkness that surrounds any diagnosis. Praying for a light at the end of the tunnel. Before autism changed my world, I was motivated. I was selfish. I was everything you would expect a young 25 year old girl to be. And overnight I knew I had to grow up far beyond the years of my peers.

It was almost instantly that I stopped relating to girls’ night out or “Sunday Funday’s.” While my friends were out living their best lives, my life suddenly felt like I was parachuted into the middle of a dark jungle, expected to walk down a path I’ve never seen before. With no directions, no map, no flashlight, and definitely no tour guide.

Along the voyage I learned I wasn’t alone. I found other mom’s in the dark. And they did something remarkable. Life changing even. They took a seat right beside me. Maybe they sat for only a moment, maybe it’s was for a few days, or a week, or a month. “I will sit in the dark with you, for as long as you need. Whenever you need” they said.

I’ve learned life will throw you curveballs you were never prepared to bat up for. And when they hit they’ll leave bruises that might take a lifetime to heal. It’s okay to cry, be angry, mad, sad, frustrated, and confused. To feel like you’re lost in the dark. Feel all the feels, you’re human too, remember that. But just know you’re never alone. I’ll always be here to take a seat with you. For as long as you need or whenever you need.

Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.

Photo: Samira Soto

To the mom going through a diagnosis during a global pandemic, I know right now your world feels like you’re walking a new planet. It feels scary, isolating, and so lonely. 

It feels like you’re drowning in the depths of the biggest oceans, gasping for air each time you come up to the surface, only to be pulled right back down by its powerful current. Screaming for help each time you reach to the surface, only to see there is no life raft in sight. There is no help coming, there is no one to rescue you. The extensive waitlists, the endless amount of phone calls with no responses for weeks on end, and don’t get me started with the amount of hours on Zoom.  

I promise you are not alone. You see, my son Kanen is almost 3 years old. He has the biggest brown eyes that light up like the Aurora Borealis anytime a truck, plane, or bus passes by. He has a smile that shines as bright as a full moon on a dark and cold winter night. He also was diagnosed with severe, non-verbal autism in September of 2020. Going through the diagnosis process at any point in life is not for the weak hearted, but especially not during a global pandemic. While others are fighting for toilet paper off the shelves, and others are angry that their travel plans have come to halt, our worries become much bigger, and yet feel so little to the rest of the world. One day, we went from mom’s chasing our children on the playground, to the next day becoming camerawoman for what feels like a reality TV show. But instead shooting MTV’s next biggest show of rowdy 20 year olds living in one house, we’re chasing children around our homes using our computers and phones, praying that the person on the other side can get an appropriate evaluation. Hoping that they’ll catch a glimpse of all the hard we witness everyday. The hard that lead us to this point in our life, seeking a diagnosis.  

One might assume after a diagnosis that your days of being camerawomen would be over, but in all honesty they might have just began. Thearpy that was once in person is now all via Zoom. For most of us, we don’t have the option of in person or Telehealth. We are given what we are given, and are expected to not throw a fit.  At first you are going to ask yourself more than you want to admit if you’re capable of this. If you are capable of not only being your child’s mother, but their teacher, their therapist, their advocate, and most importantly their camerawoman.

I want to let you know you are capable, you are the only one who is. You will learn through this journey that you are your child’s person, you are their safe space. When their world feels too overwhelming and chaotic, only you mama will know how to center them. And you might learn along the way they are all that for you to, and even more. You will become a jack of all trades, master of none, but better than one.

I never imagined a time in my life where I would be seeking a diagnosis for my only son during a pandemic, but I’m thankful I did. I’m thankful I didn’t give up when I felt like the rest of the world was. When the rest of the world was giving up on the services he most needed, I didn’t. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but now a year into this, I promise it does get better because you mama will become stronger through the process. You will find a strength in you no others before or after us will ever experience, because we have faced a global pandemic while fighting for a diagnosis for our child and all the services they need after. Wear that badge of honor with pride! I want to remind you that you are never alone I see you, I hear you, and I’ll always be here to throw a life raft whenever you need it.  

With love,  

A fellow Mom

Samira is a 25 year old single mom to a 2 year old son Kanen Arley. Her son Kanen was diagnosed with severe non-verbal autism in September of 2020, which inspired her to start sharing their journey through My Charming Arley on Facebook and Samirasstella on Instagram.

Photo: Miranda Smith

It’s nearly the new year. As the house sleeps quietly, I have taken time to sit and reflect. This year has been a lot. I won’t lie, we have had more than our fair share—as everyone else has, but there has been beauty. Sometimes, when barely treading water or praying to be able to come up for air, we forget. We forget there is beauty.

When the pandemic began and we had our “two week break” from school, I was up for anything but after a broken collar bone, numerous tries to climb out a window and a child shaving her head, I realized I needed help. More help.

Our daughter has been diagnosed with autism since she was just two years old. It’s been a journey. From not having an insurance plan that covered therapy to a fight to obtain it, and then realizing the insurance I had didn’t mean we would have the therapy right for us.

For years, since we had the therapies covered, we have tried to find a company that would work, for our daughter most importantly and for our family. We had found great therapists but for one reason or another, they never worked out.

Enter COVID.

Enter my need for help.

Enter Miranda.

Yes, Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy is controversial but for us, its right and the greatest gift we have been given this year is this young woman, trained in social work, who is with us, daily.

In July when we first onboarded with the company, I was concerned. The first therapist left without returning—if she could have run while screaming she would have. We know, our daughter is a lot. She’s not anything like any BCBA or ABA Therapist has ever seen but she’s ours and she’s incredible.

Finally, the company found what they felt was a perfect fit. Enter, Miranda. They were right. She is perfect. Since July, almost every day, Miranda makes the hour-long commute to love our daughter.

Yes, there is work. Yes, there are challenges. Yes, she pushes her but in four short months, we have seen so much growth. We have not all fallen for Miranda but we have seen Miranda give us the greatest gift we could ever receive, glimpses of the daughter we once knew, the one we once had. One that interacts, one that laughs, one that plays and one that is beginning to understand more and more each day.

We could all focus on what wasn’t in 2020. We could focus on the loss, the pain, the suffering. It’s been here. For all of us. However, I won’t. I will choose to see the gift of 2020.

Dear Miss Miranda, you have made our world the best it could have been this year. We truly are grateful to you.

This post originally appeared on www.messyblessymomma.com.

I'm a mom of many who is living her best life navigating a busy world full of ups and downs. Managing five kids and one with additional needs I enjoy learning through living and sharing what I know. I can't wait to share our Messy World with you.

Leslie Odom Jr. and Nicolette Robinson

Congratulations are in order. Leslie Odom Jr. and his wife Nicolette Robinson recently announced they are expecting their second child. Odom Jr. shared the good news on Instagram with a photo of the couple and their daughter Lucille. 

Odom captioned the shot, “Lots of reasons to celebrate over here. Lots of reasons for hope too. Baby boy and mama are doing swell. Praying for him and all the little ones on the way! The new class!!🙏🏾🤟🏾 …We’ll make it right for you.”

Robinson also posted a photo on her account with the caption,“Sweet baby boy, we cannot wait to meet you❣️ More reasons to love, to live, to connect, to pave the way for you and other little ones arriving in this world…We love you. Arriving March 2021 💙”

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Cubankite via Shutterstock

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Mere days ago, celebrity couple, John Legend and Chrissy Teigen announced the miscarriage of their son, Jack. Their openness about their loss has invited others to begin a conversation about this all too common matter more publicly. One in five early pregnancies ends in miscarriage and approximately 15% of American women age 18-44 go through a period of infertility during which they may have one or more miscarriages. Additionally, October is national pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

What to say (and do) to/for someone after experiencing a miscarriage: 

• I am so sorry

• I love you (or I care for you)

• I am not sure what to say, but I am here for you

• I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I am here to listen

• I am praying for you (or what specifically can I pray for you?)

• I am sending you a huge hug

• Can I bring you dinner tonight?

• Send them flowers, mail them a card, or send them a “thinking of you today” text

• It is so good to see you. How are you?

•When and if you are ready to talk, I would love to bring you coffee or a bottle of wine

• Send them a free, hand-knitted pocket prayer square/remembrance gift from Baby Blessings Ministry (complimentary; go to www.yourangelwings.net for more information)

What NOT to say: 

• Everything happens for a reason

• At least you already have a child (Or be grateful for what you have)

• Just relax and quit worrying

• You can always try again

• You must be so upset

• It wasn’t meant to be (or it’s not the right time)

• At least you weren’t further along

• I don’t know how much more of this roller coaster I can take

• Have you been tested for…a, b, c?

• Maybe you should consider adoption

• God doesn’t give us more than we can handle

After a few months have passed, you could consider saying these things to your loved one or friend who experienced a miscarriage:

  • Have HOPE
  • Don’t give up
  • I am praying for you

I am a sixth-generation southerner, wife, author, lead singer of a rock band, entrepreneur, and mother of three. After the birth of my first son, I struggled with secondary infertility over a six-year period. I then opted for surrogacy, leading to the birth of my miracle twins. My infertility journey inspired me to write my memoir, "Angel Wings."