What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is understanding and recognizing your emotions, and how they impact you and those around you. It also involves perspective taking, comprehending empathy, and having a real understanding of others’ emotions too. It is about building self-awareness and learning emotional self-regulation as well as gaining the social skills to connect and understand others.

How Is Emotional Intelligence (EQ) Different from Intelligence Quotient (IQ)?

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is intelligence specifically relating to emotions, how an individual can classify, evaluate, regulate and communicate emotions—people skills. Intelligence Quotient (IQ) refers to processing, applying, filtering, and retaining information, logical reasoning, and abstract and spatial thinking—book smart. It is a different skill set, both of which can be inherent and learned.

The Benefits of Emotional Intelligence for Your Child:

  • Enhances emotional regulation

  • Encourages positive conflict resolution skills

  • Helps your child absorb critical feedback and use it constructively to grow

  • Guides your child to be a team player and work cooperatively with success

  • Activates listening skills

Strengthen Your Child’s Emotional Intelligence through These 5 Actions:

1. Label your child’s emotions, give feelings a name. Acknowledging emotions by using simple language, “I see you are feeling (insert emotion),” provides validation and gives your child the affirmation that you are listening and understanding them at the moment.

2. Do simple breathing exercises to promote emotional self-regulation.

3. Be an active listener, especially if your child is harboring views that are different from yours. Ask questions to gain an understanding of why they may think a certain way and refrain from judgment.

4. Write it down or draw a picture. Sometimes when your child is experiencing a big emotion, the feeling gets trapped and swirls around their head and builds up to grow into something bigger than it may be in reality. Verbalising, writing, or drawing is a release valve.

5. Give your child a task with a goal (finishing a puzzle, getting dressed alone, putting on their shoes, etc.) this gives a sense of ownership over self-motivation. Encourage your child to follow through despite the outcome.

Research shows high levels of emotional intelligence are directly linked to academic achievement, better relationships, greater success for adulthood, and improved mental health. The most exciting thing about Emotional Intelligence is that it can be taught and learned. Nurturing your child’s Emotional Intelligence will give them a strong foundation in which to flourish.

RELATED:
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The One Thing We Miss When We Applaud Our Kid’s Success
How to Help Kids Handle Their Emotions

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Hi! I am an author, founder and educator. I have a Bachelor of Media Communications, Bachelor of Elementary Education Degrees as well as an Early Childhood Montessori Certification and in the process of completing a Master of Education. I live between New York and Byron Bay. I'm the mama of Grace, Theodore and Little Dude! 

Photo: Shutterstock

We’ve had a year of shifting academics and social interaction to a virtual platform due to the Coronavirus pandemic. Gardening is an easy, screen-free activity that can provide your child with numerous benefits.  

Designing and digging a garden can be the perfect outdoor parent-child bonding activity. Not only is it fun and rewarding for kids, but studies have shown interacting with plants has benefits ranging from reducing stress to promoting healthy eating habits.  Another reason to grab your garden gloves? Working with your child to plan, organize, and plant can help develop their executive functioning skills. And that could improve your child’s ability to complete academic and daily life tasks. How exactly can you boost your child’s developmental skills through gardening? Let’s dig in!

Step 1: Plan the Plot 
Start by letting your child choose what plants to grow. A few ideas: 

  • Pizza Garden. Include veggies you can use to top your family’s next homemade pizza, like mushrooms, spinach, and broccoli. 
  • Salsa Garden. Are chips & salsa a favorite snack in your household? Cilantro, tomatoes, and onions it is! 
  • Rainbow Garden. Think cucumbers, bell peppers, strawberries, and other colorful fruits and veggies. 
  • Salad Garden. Plant lettuce and any favorites to make the perfect side salad at your next dinner! 

Browse through a gardening magazine or website to order the seeds. Ask open-ended questions about what plants your child thinks you should choose and why. That can help develop cognitive skills like organization and reasoning. 

Do some research with your child on the items you plan to include in your garden. Challenge your child to put their planning skills to work by gathering information on the stages of growth they can expect to see from their plants and what tools or materials they’ll need.

Step 2: Map It Out
Now it’s time for you and your gardening buddy to map out the location of the plants in your garden!  Help your child draw a picture of where each plant should go or use an online tool like this one

Asking cause and effect questions can help your child use critical thinking skills. Do certain plants need to get more or less sun? Will some veggies need more room to grow than others? How will that affect where you choose to plant your seeds? Help your child see the different options available when thinking about how to plan their garden. As they start to see that they can go about completing a task in multiple different ways, their cognitive flexibility skills can strengthen. That can help them tackle all kinds of to-dos in their daily life. 

Step 3: Dig In!
Time to let your green thumb shine and plant the seeds. This part helps your child develop their ability to execute a plan. Before you get started, talk about what steps you’ll need to follow: weed, dig, plant, add soil, water. Through this, their sequencing skills can soar! Focusing on following each step can develop your child’s inhibitory control. They’ll need to control their behavior, attention, and thoughts to each task at hand in order to get their garden growing. And even more good news! Outdoor activities like gardening have been proven by the American Journal of Public Health to improve children’s attention skills. 

Step 4: Let Your Garden Grow
Your child can’t bite into a juicy watermelon from their garden just yet! Give them some responsibilities for caring for their garden, like these:

  • Watering
  • Weeding
  • Watching for the plants to reach each stage of growth

Maintaining the garden through these tasks can help work your child’s memory skills each day. Getting up and working on the garden can also encourage their ability to initiate tasks. Finally, let your child enjoy the fruits (and veggies) of their labor. Watching their plants grow, picking, and eating from their garden can boost self-confidence and provide positive reinforcement for all of that hard work. 

If you have concerns about your child’s ability to complete aspects of tasks such as organization, maintaining attention, planning, or reasoning, consider consulting an expert. TherapyWorks is a company that provides speech therapy services with licensed professionals that can evaluate your child and, if needed, provide ongoing therapy services.

I'm a mom entrepreneur and Co-Founder of TherapyWorks, a pediatric therapy company that provides services via telehealth. I recognized the need to make high-quality pediatric therapy more convenient after one of my own children needed therapy and launched TherapyWorks with my Co-Founder, an experienced speech language-pathologist, with that in mind. 

Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.

1. Give Yourself Time

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.

2. Don’t Go It Alone

While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.

3. Become a United Front

A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.

4. Avoid Trash Talk

During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.

5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers

Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.

Today Is Not Your Forever

If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.

This post originally appeared on Momish.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

If your kids love Mira, Royal Detective then we have great news for you. Inspired by the hit show, a new short-form series Dance with Mira and Friends is coming to Disney Junior. The new show features Mira and her mongoose friends, Mikku and Chikku alongside real-life kids demonstrating simple dance moves from the series so your little ones can follow along at home. 

Check out this exclusive first look at Dance with Mira and Friends.

Dance with Mira and Friends premieres Mon. Aug. 24 at 8:55 a.m. ET/PT on Disney Channel and will also be available on Disney Junior, DisneyNOW and Disney Junior YouTube.

Acclaimed Bollywood choreographer Nakul Dev Mahajan is the dance consultant and choreographer on Mira, Royal Detective and worked on the new short-form series, breaking the dances down into simple movements.

Dance with Mira and Friends
 Inspired by the cultures and customs of India, “Mira, Royal Detective” is set in the fictional land of Jalpur and follows the smart, brave and resourceful Mira, a commoner who is appointed to the role of royal detective by the Queen. 

Created for kids age 2-7 and their families, each episode features two 11-minute stories which showcase Mira utilizing critical thinking and deductive reasoning to help solve cases for her family, friends and extended community.

The series features an all-star cast of prominent South Asian actors including: Freida Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire) as Queen Shanti; Jameela Jamil (The Good Place) as Mira’s Auntie Pushpa; Kal Penn (Sunnyside) and Utkarsh Ambudkar (Brittany Runs a Marathon) as mongooses Mikku and Chikku, respectively; Hannah Simone (New Girl) as Pinky, a young girl in Jalpur; and Aasif Mandvi (Evil) as Mira’s father, Sahil. Newcomer Leela Ladnier stars as the voice of Mira.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: Disney Junior

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Photo: Alexander Fernandez

Once you hear the full-throated laugh of your child, see them startle in surprise, or hear them squeal “again, again” when you finish a book passage, you’ll be hooked; you’ll know you’ve done it right, and you’ll have created a memory, a feeling, that will last a lifetime. 

I know you’re tired. You’ve been working all day. You’ve come home (or have been working in the home) have started (or continued with) the chores, made food, dealt with the bills, the PTA, the in-laws, the friends, the frenemies, politics (lower-case p), Politics (uppercase P), married life, single life, traffic, the boss, the employees, and every other thing that an adult has to deal with on a day-to-day basis. If you have more than one child, I’d set the multiplication factor exponentially at 12 per additional child. Life is hard. Dead stop. Yes, you can say it, think it, feel it. Life is hard. And now, this little human (they are little humans even when they behave like little monsters) wants to hear a bedtime story. I’m here to tell you: Yes. Do it. And, you should encourage them to want to hear a story.

But, how? How do you effectively read with a child?  Well, for starters the days of reading to, are over.

1. Be Present. If you think that I’m going to start with some New Age fangled stuff, you’re right. (Although at this point isn’t it really Old Age?) If you are rushing through the reading, looking at your watch, dreading every second of it, and thinking of what you’re going to be doing next, you should not be reading with your child. Stop. Don’t do it. Grab the iPad, the laptop, whatever and go to YouTube and find a story of somebody entertaining reading a book and let your child view that. You can go have a drink (your beverage of choice) and relax. You are in no condition to be reading a storybook. You are not invested. It is not that you are necessarily a bad caregiver. I’m not judging. I don’t know you. You are just not in the right frame of mind to complete the task at hand.

To read a storybook and actually connect with the book and the child, you need to be fully invested in the child and the story. There is no fooling a child. The second your mind starts to wander, the child will wander with you. Reading a storybook is work. And, it should be. The benefits that you read about in those articles I linked? You didn’t think those fell out of the sky, did you? Reading a storybook takes concentration, anticipation, joy, rhythm, and enthusiasm. You cannot do it if your mind is wandering all over the place. You have to fully commit.

If you want to establish a routine of regular reading with your child, you have to do just that: establish a regular routine. It has to be when you both set aside a place and time to be in your own little world–undisturbed from the world around you. You have to start by making the time available in your schedule, to be present. This is not something you can half-ass.

2. Do the Voices. If you are reading along and wondering if you need to do the voices of the various characters, the answer is a resounding, yes! And, by the way, the narrator has a voice. Kids love when each character has a different voice. It keeps up their attention, it sparks their interest, it engages their minds. I want you to stop for a moment and think of the story of The Three Little Pigs. Those of you that know the story, know the line: “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll bloooooow, your house down!” OK, how many of you just heard that in the voice of the Big Bad Wolf? What about “Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin”? Did you hear that in the voice of a tiny, squealing little pig? Chances are you did.

Now I’m not going to kid you. Doing voices is hard work. And, I know that some of you are put off by this. But I have news for you: your child doesn’t care whether or not you are any good at doing the voices. They only care about your enthusiasm and that you try. So, here are some tricks of the trade. If voices are not your strong suit, do dynamic reading. Vary your rhythm. Speed things up. Slow them down. Take, dramatic, pauses. Stop. Continue. Talk Louder! Talk softer. The punctuation on the page is your friend. Use it as a guidepost. [By the way, even if your voices are good, you should be reading dynamically anyway.]

3. Your Reading Must Be Interactive. Anticipatory/interactive reading is key to not only building a life-long love of reading but to building the critical thinking and reasoning skills we all need to survive in the world.

As you read the story, ensure that your child explores the pictures on the page. Ask questions like: “What do we see in these pictures?” “What do you think this means?” “How is this character feeling?” “Is she happy? Sad?” “Have we seen this before?” “Is there something missing?” You can even ask your child to predict what might happen depending on what the pictures are showing. Every now and then, take pauses in the story and ask your child to review for you what has happened so far. This, is your check for understanding. With younger children, you may have to do a bit of leading. Once you’ve done a recap, ask your child to predict what’s going to happen next and why they think that’s going to happen. As your child gets older, the predictions will get better.

The key to interactive reading is to remember that you are not just a reader, you are actively acting as a parent, teacher, caregiver, instructor, and mentor. You are developing vocabulary, bridging synapses, strengthening concepts–in short, you are building a human building. All, under the guise of reading a storybook. 

ALEXANDER FERNÁNDEZ
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Father, children's book critic, writer, judge, director, actor and amature photographer—together with his husband of 25 years—raising an energetic four-year old! "Parent is not just a noun, it's a verb.  If you're ever in doubt as to what to do, substitute the word caregiver.  It will steer you in the right direction."  

When kiddo is sick you’ll do anything to make them feel better. But do so-called “folk remedies” actually work?

A few years ago, San Diego mom Debbie Vigan posted her unusual cold cure on Facebook, namely, putting sliced potatoes in her son’s socks as he slept. After a night sleeping with potato socks, her son had stopped coughing and his runny nose dried up. While Vigan mentioned she “saw an article” touting the cough and cold home remedy, she didn’t include her source—but the idea isn’t entirely out of left field.

According to Healthline, putting onions in your socks is an old folk remedy for kicking the common cold or flu to the curb. While it might smell awful, the reasoning behind this trick comes from several different sources. In the 14th century, people believed onions could ward off the Black Plague.

But why stick onions or potatoes in your socks? According to Chinese reflexology—an ancient form of complementary medicine—the feet are covered in “access points” that connect to all other areas of your body, via your qi, or life force energy. Basically, treat the feet to treat the whole body.

Photo: Rawpixel

Western medicine and science have shown that sulphuric compounds in onions have the ability to kill bacteria and viruses—but only when ingested, and in very limited studies. There isn’t data to back those results you apply those same onion compounds externally to your skin, as myth-busting website Snopes notes. When it comes down to it, there’s no solid scientific evidence that onions on your feet can cure a cold. Then again, there’s also no evidence that they don’t, either.

Ditto all of the above for potatoes.

Please note, we don’t advocate using this remedy in place of consulting a medical professional when your child is ill.

—Erica Loop, Keiko Zoll

 

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Due to social distancing guidelines you can’t bring your kids to participate in an escape room. That doesn’t mean they can’t experience one virtually. The Escape Game Field Trips are free, online games designed to take students on engaging and educational journeys through famous museums and historic landmarks, and even back to major moments in time.

Escape Room

Much like their actual escape rooms, players progress through games by uncovering clues and solving puzzles. To be successful, players must exercise their critical thinking and deductive reasoning skills. The first TEG Field Trip takes place in the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History.

After watching a quick video explaining the mission, you’ll navigate a virtual tour and answer questions on your dashboard to progress through the game.Piece together clues and solve puzzles to complete your mission in time.

Also, while their locations are temporarily closed, they are running a massive sale on their gift cards. Order now and get a digital code emailed to your directly. Single-game gift cards are currently 30% off.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

Featured photo: WangMing’Photo via Pexels

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What happens when you are considering divorce (whether in your head or out loud) and February rolls around? If it is still all internal thoughts, you may still go to the card store and spend an extra half hour finding a card that does not overpromise love forever or make claims of soulmates. You may not want to be obvious in your questioning of the marriage, but also not insincere about making promises in a signed Hallmark document that you are not looking to keep.

If you are feeling bad and do not want your change of heart to be obvious, do be careful what you write in that card. I have had clients who save Valentine’s Day cards and use them as evidence against their ex during divorce! It can be that much more hurtful if you write about undying love on February 14th and then a week later you are serving divorce papers. And if you the word “divorce” has been bandied around the dinner table, then it feels even worse to send a “I will die by your side” card and you may just opt for a Shoebox funny card that makes fun of his lack of ability to fix the dishwasher.  What about if your spouse takes it upon themself to use the day for a grand romantic gesture as a way to bring you back into the marriage? Who knows—it could work! If the reasoning you may be planning your exit is due to a lack of communication and effort on your spouse’s part, Valentine’s Day could give them the excuse to address what is lacking in the marriage.

If your spouse does not take the opportunity that Feb 14th gives (Hallmark or not—it is a great day to show love), then it may be your final straw. And of course, if you learn that their Valentine’s Day love is misdirected…well…that could be your answer as well. When in the first stage of divorce—the deciding stage—Valentine’s Day can be the day that makes you or breaks you.

Valentine’s Day during Divorce

Now let’s assume that you already know what the inside of your divorce attorney’s office looks like when Valentine’s Day rolls around. Under most circumstances, you nor your soon-to-be-ex acknowledge the holiday to each other.

If you are in the sad stage of the divorce process, you may have a sentimental exchange with your ex, reminding them of happier Valentine’s Days of the past, which depending on where your spouse is in the emotional rollercoaster of divorce will be responded to with a sad emoji face or ignored altogether.

If you are in the angry stage of the divorce process, there may be bitter and sarcastic text exchanges with your friends about sending black roses or chocolates filled with toothpaste (cures his gross halitosis). There are thoughts of sending edible thongs and leopard skin handcuffs (with or without the keys) to his conservative new girlfriend or her new boyfriend claiming that is what she is into. Obviously, these should be just fun fantasies and not acted upon (I am not looking to give anyone any good ideas).

It is perfectly normal to acknowledge that while Valentine’s Day was meaningless to you in the past, during a divorce, it can be an emotional day. Just be sure to keep yourself in check as your divorce is not over and you do not want your impetuous antics on Valentine’s day to affect the resolution of your case.

Valentine’s Day after Divorce

So, divorce papers are signed off by the judge and you now can file taxes separately.  Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, Valentine’s Day may still not be just like any other day. You may have accepted the divorce, but you still may feel the old feelings of anger and sadness creep up on February 14th. The hope is that as you have more and more years of distance between you and the divorce, those feelings will lessen and the day goes back to just being a Tuesday.

However, the real hope is that you have possibly found someone else who will once again be making the dinner reservations a month in advance looking to impress. Or that you will be at Hallmark reading cards and having a hard time deciding which one because they are all so perfect for your new love. I have seen it happen.

Jacqueline Newman is a divorce lawyer and matrimonial law expert. As managing partner of a top-tier 5th Avenue Manhattan law firm focused exclusively on divorce, her practice runs the gamut from prenups for high net worth people contemplating marriage to high conflict matrimonial litigation in dissolutions. 

As a parent it is easy to stress over all of the little things. Are they eating enough? Are they growing enough? Am I spending enough time with them? Is work consuming too much of my time? Are they happy?! Questions like these plague parents in most parts of the world. However, some of the biggest questions that we ask ourselves revolve around sleeping. With any amount of lack of sleep, it makes it difficult to function on a day to day basis and be productive at work.

So how do you achieve the ultimate goal of more sleep? My answer? Co-sleeping.

For the optimal co-sleeping situation, here are a few of my tips:

1. Don’t fight it if it works. Research shows a benefit of co-sleeping is infants virtually never startle during sleep and rarely cry during the night, compared to solo sleepers who startle repeatedly throughout the night and spend four times the number of minutes crying  Startling and crying releases adrenaline, which increases heart rate and blood pressure, interferes with restful sleep and leads to long-term sleep anxiety.

2. Do what works for you and for your family. The judgment of others doesn’t matter. If co-sleeping with your baby is the best solution for you, then that is all that should be considered in the decision. As long as everyone is safe and comfortable, nothing should stop you as parents from getting as much sleep as is humanly possible.

3. It doesn’t last forever, so enjoy it while you can. One day the child will finally move on to their bed whether they do it on their own or with your help. In the meantime, it’s a time that can be seen as precious. During sleep, you can sneak those extra cuddles that one day you will miss. According to the Dr. Sears’ article on the Benefits of Co-sleeping, “Co-sleeping babies grow up with a higher self-esteem, less anxiety, become independent sooner, are better behaved in school, and are more comfortable with affection. They also have less psychiatric problems.”

4. If the baby is breastfed it is done much easier as neither the mother nor the baby has to be moved. They can just turn towards each other. This arrangement also assists the mother with maintaining her milk supply which is so vital for the baby.

The Long-Term Effects of Co-Sleeping with Children

Co-sleeping, whether widely accepted or not, can be the best arrangement for certain families. It is most definitely not something that should be overlooked just because of the stigma that’s behind it. Give it a go. This may be the solution that you’ve been looking for, or maybe you simply want to sneak more cuddles in through the night. Whatever the reasoning for the arrangement may be, if done right, it is definitely beneficial.

As a working mother of 3, I have found that I treasure the nights and know they won’t last forever. Our youngest (3.5 years old) is still in our bed every night. My biggest regret; not having enjoyed as much time with the older two!

Karolina has a unique perspective on life as she is a working mom of three, married to a busy fire captain. Juggling it all and showing her daughters it is important to maintain your identity even after you have children. To Karolina, that means pursuing her career goals and continually learning/growing in business.  

Photo: Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash

Last year I wrote an article, Start with Who, that challenged the concepts presented in the best selling book of author, thinker, and famous Ted Talker, Simon Sinek. I wish I could say that the world took notice, Sinek reached out to me to concede that his mounds of research were incorrect, and that I’ve since gone on to become a famous author, thinker, and Ted Talker. Sadly, that was not the outcome. I have published a book. But nobody is paying me to think, or talk on stage. Yet. 

But that’s okay. 

I won’t rehash the entire argument, you can check out the article if you are interested in some more depth. Essentially, Sinek argues that a powerful why is the fuel that drives us, personally and professionally. John Gordon, another famous author, leader, and speaker, says, 

“We don’t get burned out because of what you do, we get burned out because we forget why we do it.” 

My argument was not and is not that why is bad, unimportant, or undeserving of our consideration. The focus, rather, is our who is a more powerful and important indicator of our success, ability to lead, and personal and professional happiness. Our who should be the foundational consideration for us to build upon, rather than our why. 

There has been a lot of discussion about how “kids these days” need to know why more than previous generations. Coaches, teachers, and employers, some in frustration and some with a statement of fact, have noted the difference in today’s players, students, and employees, and those of past generations. Some sort of explanation of why is expected and in extreme cases, demanded. They want to know why. To be fair, I want to know why too, so I don’t know if this is really a generational issue or an “older people trying to place labels on younger people because they are different” issue. It doesn’t really matter I suppose. Many people want to know why. 

Children, especially, want to know why. You can get yourself in a predicament quickly in trying to explain why to children. Recently, my wife fell down the slippery slope of why, which led to her telling our children that babies come out when the doctors cut open the mother’s stomach and then just take them out. Then they wanted to know why they did that, and asked if it left a scar, and asked her to show them her scar. I don’t really know if that visual is much better than a gentle explanation of the truth, but that’s where we are right now as a family, and it feels like it might be too late to right the ship. 

Why is relevant, and important, for sure, particularly when it comes to our conversations with our children. But let’s examine how why and who can work together to help us build strong, independent, and caring children. 

Great Explanations

Martin Hoffman, a developmental psychologist, found that “from ages two to ten, children are urged by their parents to change their behavior once every six to nine minutes. This translates roughly into 50 discipline encounters a day or over 15,000 a year.” 

In his book, Originals, Adam Grant referenced a study conducted by Pearl Oliner that examined a group of non-Jews during the Holocaust. The study compared two groups of non-Jews from the same area. One group risked their lives to help their Jewish neighbors and one group did not. There were many commonalities between the two groups, including geographic location, personal beliefs and values, and education. The primary difference, as found by the research, was how they were disciplined by their parents growing up. 

The group that elected to help had, as children, received their discipline from their parents, for both bad and good behavior, with an explanation attached. As quoted from Grant’s book: 

“It is in their reliance on reasoning, explanations, suggestions of ways to remedy the harm done, persuasion, and advice that the parents of rescuers differed most…Reasoning communicates a message of respect…It implies that had children but known better, or understood more, they would not have acted in an inappropriate way. It is a mark of esteem for the listener; an indication of faith in his or her ability to comprehend, develop, and improve.”

Man, this struck a chord with me when I read it because this is what I want to communicate with my children. Admittedly, I am often tired, frustrated, or lazy to the point of offering something that amounts to because I said so or offering no explanation other than to just stop. Other studies have found that children who are raised with fewer rules, and instead, receive discipline and instruction centered around lessons based on values and morals, grow to be more creative than those who are raised in homes with strict and/or specific rules. Regardless of how you feel about order or rules, there is one thing that is evident:

One of the best things we can do with our children is to offer quality explanations, that help them to understand why they are in trouble, why they can’t, why they must stop, or why you are proud of their actions or decisions. 

One of the most significant long-term benefits of this for our children (and for us as parents), is that it helps our children develop a moral compass of their own. Children have the opportunity to take ownership over their own values, and then create their own compass (with parental guidance), they are able to make challenging decisions based on what guides them internally, rather than all of the external noise generated by the weight of outside expectations.

It’s not the rules that are important, it’s the why. 

Great Expectations

I think it is a fair assumption if you are reading this, and you have children, you want them to grow into something special. Great expectations are probably not entirely accurate, regarding how I feel about my children, though it may be for you. I think “great hope” would probably best describe how I think about the future of my kids. I have great hope that they will grow into something special, learn to lead and love well, and make a great impact on the world around them. This is where who comes in. This, I believe, is the most important thing we can give to and do for our children, to help them create an honest and powerful understanding of who they are and what they are capable of. 

The researchers from the Holocaust study found that not only did the parents of the responders offer an explanation surrounding their correction and discipline, but they also tied it into how it affected others. These children were encouraged to think about the impact that their decisions and actions had on those around them. Because of the two, the children were guided down a path of both understanding the consequences of their own actions and empathy in knowing how those actions might also impact others. Eventually, we can build up to a scenario that allows our children to see their decisions through a lens of great perspective, that combines both the why and the who lessons they have learned, and allows them to ask the powerful question, 

What should a person like me do in a situation like this? 

I think this is brilliant in both form and function. The question is not, “What should I do?” This can be difficult to answer, and there may very well be no right answer. But, “What should a person like me (someone who has developed their moral compass, who has been taught that actions have consequences, and who understands that our behavior can and does impact those around us) do in a situation like this?” takes away much of that stress. It essentially allows our children, when they are mature enough to do so, to say, “I know that I am (smart, caring, considerate, respectful, kind, intelligent, courageous, loving, patient,…), so what would someone like that, like me, do in a situation like this?”

This is my great hope, that my children will develop into the type of people who are willing and able to ask this question and answer it with courage and conviction. And then, use their answers and the values behind them to take action. 

But how do we get there? 

I wish I could give you a step by step plan. You know, 

How to Change Your Child in 3 Easy Steps…or…How to 10X Your Parenting

But I think those are a sham, and I don’t do sham. I may get some things wrong, but I don’t mess around with sham. 

Here’s something to consider.

1. Make an effort to explain the why to your children from a young age. 

Try to get away from the tired, frustrated, or lazy responses that often plague us as parents. Take a few extra moments to attach a why to your “Stop”, “Quiet”, or “No”. 

“John, you can’t run out in the road without looking. There are many cars that go up and down this street, and it is difficult for them to see you because you are so small. I don’t want you to get hurt, so you need to stay out of the road.” 

The next time you have an opportunity to correct, or discipline, see if you can attach an explanation, where appropriate. 

2. Work on building in an understanding of how your child’s actions might affect those around them. Bit by bit, our children need to learn that their life is not a movie in which they are the main character and everyone around them is part of the supporting cast. 

“When you run up and down the stairs with your friends during your brother’s nap time, you might wake him up. He needs to get his full nap so he gets plenty of rest and is in a good mood when he wakes up. When you are loud, it makes it hard for him to get the rest that he needs.” 

3. Allow them to begin to develop a set of values and a moral compass that they can claim as their own, as they grow and mature. More rules may feel safer for you, but once they are outside of our direct care, we need our children to be able to make decisions on their own, outside of strict adherence to a set of rules. At some point, the rules will be gone, and they will need to make decisions based on who they are, what they believe, and what they want their life to become. Give them some space to continue to figure that out, while they continue to develop both knowledge and empathy. 

4) Speak truth and hope into the lives of your children. I really love this one, and I don’t know that this should really be number four, as much as it should permeate all of our conversations with our kids. This helps lead our children into understanding who they are, and also, in helping them have some type of framework for the question, “What should a person like me do in a situation like this?”

In another study, conducted by psychologist Joan Grusec, behavior praise was compared with character praise. So some children were told things like, “It was nice of you to share your chips with your friend” while other children received the praise that highlighted their character, or WHO they were (or who they were becoming). “You must be the kind of person who cares about the needs of others. I can see that you are a very kind and giving person.” 

The children who received character praise began to live into that specific praise. Of the children who were praised for being helpful 45 percent were more helpful two weeks later. Just 10 percent of the children who were praised for their helpful behavior, were shown to be helpful two weeks later. 

So rather than treating our praise as if it was one, isolated act, “That was a kind thing to do”, we can focus on speaking to our children as if they were a kind child. Maybe they aren’t, just yet, all the way there. But in that moment, they were. And we have great hope that they will be in the future. 

Truth. And hope. 

We need to begin to have great explanations. Certainly, our children can’t always get a why, in every situation, but I think we can do a better job of giving them a few more, to help them understand things, and to begin to develop their own sense of reasoning in this world, both for themselves and for the people around them. One day our children will be off on their own, making their own decisions, based on their own moral compass, carrying their own great expectations into the wide, wide, world.

And we’ll be glad we took the time to offer these great explanations. 

I’m pulling for you. 

 

This post originally appeared on www.bryanhendley.com.