Conflict in marriage can start in many ways, but unhappy compromises can be the most damaging. The ones that occur when one person needs something, and they don’t get it. What’s interesting is that, in marriage, I have found that many spouses avoid asking for what they need and then they are left unmet and unfulfilled.
A lot of us are scared of pressing our partners for something we need if we think they will fail to grant it, or worse, will make us feel bad for needing it in the first place. Sometimes we fear this because what we need means they have to do something different; they have to give something for us to get something. So, we take our need and pack it up in a neat little box and tuck it somewhere deep inside. It stays hidden, but without fail, it creates resentment. And it hurts. Even if we ignore it for a while, it pokes and scrapes at us from time to time. We hoped it would go away, dissolve into nothing so it would stop scratching at the door of our hearts, begging for attention we can’t give. But it doesn’t. We deal with the discomfort out of fear that setting it free and diving into it like a swimming pool on a hot summer day will drive an even larger wedge into our relationship.
My husband quotes something I said during our second year of marriage over a disagreement I don’t remember now. But he brings it up as a truth that sank deep inside him that day. “I will not be a passenger in my own life.” It probably had to do with which blinds to order for the kitchen or what color car to buy. I can be dramatic like that. But the truth in the statement displays how easily we can begin to feel like we have to take a backseat to our partner’s wants and needs.
When we fail to make our needs a priority, we become a servant to theirs. Sometimes our needs align, but most of the time, they fall on opposite ends of the spectrum, and we are in a continual state of give-and-take. The tricky thing, though, is that give-and-take can often turn into a tug-of-war, and then no one gets what they need.
For example, when our two oldest kids were two and four years old, I was a stay-at-home mom, who also worked part-time, and I was drowning. Growing up, vacations at my friends’ cabin were some of my favorite memories. Those hot summer days by the lake and nights at the campfire sunk into my bones. I wanted that again. I needed a break with my family to rejuvenate and catch my breath. I brought up renting a cabin and getting away for a week to my husband several times, thinking the more I talked about it, the more he would understand how important it was to me. My repetitive comments became a nagging annoyance to him, making him wonder why I couldn’t respect the fact he didn’t want to do it. I became so frustrated that I made a decision; I would not be a passenger in my own life. Being respectful of a budget, I booked three days at a cabin and told him that I hoped he would join us. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be mad, but this was very important to me.
Of course, I hoped my husband would come, but I was prepared to go alone. In the end, we all drove out to a little resort in Brainerd. We fished and swam and played. The kids ran in the rain, and we bought souvenirs in a quaint little town. We nibbled fresh-fried donuts every morning at the general store across the street. We had the best time. When we got home, my husband said, “So I think next year we can stay somewhere a little nicer. I’ll start looking around.” I smiled at the lovely surprise. For the next few years we spent summers renting cabins, and just recently was able to purchase our own. My husband proved as giddy as a schoolchild the day we closed, a joy sparked by a trip he never wanted to take. I wonder how our life would be different if I had never made my need known and insisted on meeting it, and if he had never come along for the ride.
That was the first of many times we have had to weigh our own needs alongside the other persons. It doesn’t always work out perfectly. I have put myself aside to be there for him, as often as he has done the same for me. We do our best.
In marriage, just like in life, we can’t always get what we want. And just because we want something doesn’t mean it’s what we need. But when we need something, it is essential to make sure our needs are met. If our needs are not actualized or even acknowledged, it creates a lot of other conflicts that eventually will erode the relationship. The important thing is to uncover your needs and see how they can be met, separately or together.
Krissy Dieruf
Tinybeans Voices ContributorKrissy Dieruf is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She lives in Minnesota with her husband and three children, loves to sing and dance around the house and has a soft spot for rebels and crazy hair.
