Every relationship has its ups and downs, especially the longer two people are together. Disagreements and even some arguments are natural. You might even feel the need to take some major space at moments. I know I’ve personally been guilty of rolling my eyes at a partner when things were prickly between us. But when is an eye roll, a scoff, or even a temporary cold shoulder a sign of something greater? According to psychologist John Gottman, all of those might be indicative of what he calls The Four Horsemen of Relationships—a theory that suggests that the appearance of certain behaviors can spell certain doom for some couples.

The Four Horsemen of Relationships consist of Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

Criticism refers mainly to criticizing your partner directly versus just making a complaint about something they did (or failed to do), such as failing to load the dishwasher one night. Think: criticizing the way they do certain chores, criticizing their looks, their job, their interests, etc.

“These unkind words can leave the criticized partner feeling less than, rejected, flawed, or not good enough. If left unchecked, criticism can worsen your relationship and make room for the other Horsemen to follow quite easily,” says Monique Dunn, an LCSW-S and licensed therapist and owner of Destination Therapy.

Contempt shows up in our treatment of our partners, which might include using sarcasm, berating and ridiculing them, and being otherwise disrespectful. It’s like criticism x 100. The eye-rolling I mentioned above could technically fall into this category, depending on the situation. Mostly, the contemptuous partner is looking to hurt the receiver (but sometimes both partners will do this back and forth).

“Contempt can push your relationship to the point of no return because it usually indicates a build-up of negativity and resentment, clouding any chance of positivity seeping back into your view of the relationship,” says Paige Bond, LMFT and founder of Couples Counseling of Central Florida.

The third is Defensiveness—being unable to take responsibility for one’s actions and/or accept fair critiques. In a state of defensiveness, one will look for excuses rather than simply apologize for a behavior or action, and may even turn it around to blame the other partner.

“Where there is a lot of criticism, there is often a lot of defensiveness in return, and this cycle can be incredibly negative,” Dunn says.

The final Horseman is Stonewalling. Often the result of too much contempt in a relationship, this is when a partner decides to “check out” of the relationship, often failing to interact with or even respond to their partner. They might act busier than they actually are, turn away from their partner during conversation or even when they enter the room, or simply stay distracted at all times so as not to have to engage. According to Gottman, this can be one of the most challenging habits to break.

picture of a couple dealing with the four horsemen of relationships
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Can a relationship survive the appearance of one (or all) of the Horsemen?

Experts agree that even when one or more of the Horsemen are present, it’s still entirely possible to “save” or at least work on and improve the relationship.

Jackie Golob, a licensed professional clinical counselor and sex therapist at Shameless Therapy, views the Four Horsemen as learned behaviors that can be unlearned. “It just takes time, willingness, energy, and effort. One tip is to slow down and think about what you are saying and how you are saying it. Think through if it is truly helpful or harmful to that person or situation,” she says.

She also suggests practicing healthy communication while self-soothing one’s own emotions and staying mindful. “I wouldn’t say deflect the Four Horsemen—that’s avoidance. We need to increase our awareness to recognize and understand when (they) are happening.”

Something to keep in mind: While a relationship can survive the Four Horsemen of Relationships, Bond says if only one partner is willing to do the work, it’d be pretty difficult to salvage. “All partners need to decide if they’re willing to make these changes in their communication patterns for a better relationship.”

What are more ways to work against the Four Horsemen?

Criticism

“If your automatic reaction to a situation is to be harsh or blame your partner, try waiting to have the conversation when you’re in a better headspace. This will allow you to calm down your nervous system and calmly approach the situation so you can use ‘I’ statements,” Bond says.

She also suggests that instead of quickly jumping to “You’re always late; I can never count on you,” you can just as easily try “I feel frustrated when you don’t come home from work on time because it’s hard to watch the kids and get dinner ready at the same time. How can we work together as a team to make this happen?”

Dunn recommends avoiding using absolutes like “you always” or “you never.”Instead, try to address the issue and share how you’re feeling without blaming your partner.

Contempt

“Try focusing on what you’re feeling and using ‘I’ statements, leaning into fondness of your partner more often when communicating your preferences and needs rather than presenting it as unkind criticism,” Dunn says.

She uses the following example: Instead of saying, “It amazes me how all of a sudden, when the in-laws are visiting, you manage to cook a decent meal. If only they were around more, so I could eat like this more often,” opt for something like, “I enjoyed the meal you made last time the in-laws were in town and I appreciate the way you cooked that chicken dish. I would love it if you could make it again sometime—it was delicious.”

Bond recommends a similar approach to building a culture of appreciation.

“You might be doing this by being affectionate, complimenting your partner, or even thanking them for something they recently did. It can go a long way to say, ‘Thanks so much for giving the kids bath time while I cleaned up the kitchen. We make a really good team,’” she says.

Defensiveness

Dunn recognizes that defensiveness creeps in often as a way to protect hurt feelings and bruised egos. “Instead of turning the tables and casting blame onto your partner, you can own what happened and try to meet your partner where they are by seeking to understand their viewpoint,” she says.

Bond agrees, saying defensive partners need to avoid taking things personally. “The best way to get out of the cycle even faster is to apologize swiftly and do it like you mean it. Instead of ‘I’m only late because traffic was bad,’ try ‘I’m so sorry I’m late. I know how tough it can be to juggle all these tasks at home by yourself.’”

Stonewalling

“Completely shutting down during a discussion with your partner can be a defensive response when you are overwhelmed or what we as therapists call experiencing ‘emotional flooding.’ That feeling of flooding can be so overwhelming that it’s hard to recognize when it’s happening,” Dunn says.

She says building self-awareness of the pattern is key so that one can then create space to find equilibrium before the conversation continues. “Often with couples, I suggest that the partner who tends to stonewall ask for a break, but instead of leaving and shutting the partner out, there is an agreed-upon time frame for the break (e.g., 20 minutes to self-regulate), and the promise to return to the conversation after having this time to cool down.”

She also recommends working with a therapist to build those healthy coping skills to self-regulate in those moments when you want to break away and shut down.

Limitations & Critiques of the Four Horsemen Theory

“The Four Horsemen theory is a really great and simple concept for handling conflict. However, this concept may neglect diverse relationship dynamics, such as having neurodivergence present,” Bond says. She points to the way people on the autism spectrum or those who have other conditions present might communicate and perceive things differently than neurotypical people.

“For example, someone with autism may have difficulty interpreting social cues, which could lead to behaviors that mimic contempt or defensiveness when in reality, it’s not intentionally negative. Nonetheless, the Four Horsemen concept can be adjusted and applied as needed to fit your unique relationship,” she adds.

Golob agrees that while the theory scratches the surface, there isn’t a lot of inclusivity for neurodivergent folks. She also says it’s not as inclusive of LGBTQIA+ relationships either.

“It’s mainly cis heterosexual relationships, which is okay, and there are limitations to research because of that. What I often find with (neurodivergent) folks in therapy is that they need more concrete, tangible examples of what this looks like. [Also] there are more than four things to work on in a relationship,” Golob says.

A licensed clinical psychologist on TikTok explains what “eggshell parenting” is and why you should strive to avoid it

All kids deserve a home where they feel safe, loved, and secure—where they know that no matter what happens, they’ll always have a safe harbor to return to. But sadly, that’s not what all kids have. One clinical psychologist is shining a light on a common “parenting style” that’s pretty much the exact opposite of this: she calls it “eggshell parenting.”

Dr. Kim Sage went viral on TikTok for describing this parenting style, which she says makes kids feel as though they’re “walking on eggshells” because their parents’ moods are unstable and unpredictable.

@drkimsage

Eggshell parenting and emotionally unpredictable, unsafe parenting often creates a lifetime of hypervigilance in us —and a deep belief that there’s no such thing as real safety in relationships.💔#eggshellparent #toxicparent #walkingoneggshells #emotionallyimmatureparents #narcissisticparent #drkimsage

♬ original sound – Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist

Eggshell parenting is “a way of putting your child in a position where they have to always be hyper-vigilant to what may or may not happen next,” she explained. “Even if you’re loving and safe and wonderful, if it follows that you can be unsafe at the core, you are not safe.”

The result is kids who constantly feel insecure, cautious, and afraid of making the wrong move—like they’re walking on eggshells so they don’t set off their parents.

In her video, Sage gives this example: “The parent’s mood is like being on a roller coaster. You never know what to expect, but there’s always going to be significant high highs and low lows. Basically, emotionally, you never know what to expect, but you have to prepare for the part where it’s not safe.”

@drkimsage

Eggshell parents& trauma💔#trauma #hypervigilance #eggshellparent #empath #drkimsage

♬ Claire de Lune – Ave Maria

Sage has gone on to make tons of other videos about eggshell parenting—both for people who are parents now and for people who may have grown up with these types of parents. She explains how to identify eggshell parenting (hint: if you’re reading this and wondering if you’re an eggshell parent, your self-awareness is already high enough that you’re probably not), and gives people tips on how to break the eggshell cycle.

If you were raised by eggshell parents, she says, it will likely take some active work to make sure those patterns don’t emerge as you raise your own kids. The first steps to take: work on regulating your own emotions so they aren’t changing on a dime. Then, take responsibility for your own actions and apologize to your kids if a sudden emotional switch or outburst left them reeling.

They’ll have more time at home, but will they be bored when they get into the classroom?

It’s hard to believe that little one, who used to fit snugly in the crook of your arm, is finally ready for kindergarten…or are they? Maybe you should wait another year? After all, what is the right kindergarten age? Especially since the practice of “redshirting” kids—giving them an extra year before starting kindergarten (making them one of the oldest as opposed to the youngest)—has risen in popularity. But like most trends in the parenting world, it leaves parents wondering if it really is a good idea. That’s why we looked at the studies and asked experts to weigh in on what is the right age to start kindergarten. Here’s what we found.

Getting Kids Started in Kindergarten

The preschool years are over and it’s time to start kindergarten. But where do parents start? Where we do with all things—online and by asking other parents. Now is the time to check out your local school’s website or find and join parent Facebook pages or other social media accounts associated with the school. Other suggestions include talking to parents with older kids, and asking your preschool teacher about local schools and expectations. There are lots of resources out there for parents with inquiring minds.

Kindergarten First Year Enrollment

Although kindergarten enrollment varies from state to state, parents can expect to encounter some similar requirements no matter where they live. Here are a few universals:

  • In most states, kids must turn five years old by a certain date, usually September 1.
  • Many schools require kids to have certain vaccinations before starting school; check with your district about specific requirements.
  • Most will ask for proof of residence. A utility bill or other piece of mail works fine.
  • You may be asked to provide a copy of your child’s birth certificate to enroll.

What Do Kids Learn in Kindergarten?

Although the curriculum varies from district to district across the country, parents can count their kindergartners learning the alphabet, sight words, phonics, and basic sentence structure as part of Language Arts. Math covers basics like number recognition, counting, addition and subtraction, measurement, and basic geometry. Additionally, hands-on activities and play-based learning help kids learn about real-world concepts like weather, plants, and animals. But many would say the most important things kids learn in kindergarten support their social-emotional growth (or soft skills) like building relationships, solving conflicts, and developing empathy and self-awareness.

What is the difference between Transitional Kindergarten (TK) and Transitional to Elementary School (TES)?

Transitional Kindergarten (TK) is a two-year public school program designed for kids who turn 5 between September 2 and December 2 of the school year. It provides an additional year of instruction, focused on developing social-emotional skills, language and literacy, math, and physical development, to support kids who may not be ready for kindergarten just yet.

Transitional to Elementary School (TES) is a program offered by preschools or childcare centers to prepare children for kindergarten. It typically focuses on language and literacy, math, social-emotional development, and basic self-help skills so kids can successfully transition to the academic and social expectations of kindergarten.

Related: How to Help Your Child Transition to Kindergarten Like a Pro

Pros of Delaying Kindergarten

three kids who are kindergarten age draw at a table with markers in the classroom
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Your kid will (probably) be more willing to sit still if given an extra year.

Whether or not your five-year-old will sit still during circle time or stay on task at writing centers (or at home) may actually depend on her age, since younger children generally have a harder time doing both. Studies have shown that kids are often misdiagnosed with behavior problems in kindergarten when in fact, the behaviors are just a matter of being younger than classmates. And, according to this Stanford University study, children who wait a year to enroll have significantly lower levels of inattention and hyperactivity—with results continuing even at age 11.

Your kid may be misdiagnosed with ADHD if they start too early.

All those wiggles in the classroom may have some unintended consequences for kids when it comes to the right age to start kindergarten. A 2018 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that kids who turned five the month before starting kindergarten were more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD than those who started the month that they turned six. "Our findings suggest the possibility that large numbers of kids are being overdiagnosed and overtreated for ADHD because they happen to be relatively immature compared to their older classmates in the early years of elementary school," said study author Timothy Layton, an assistant professor of health care policy at Harvard Medical School, in this article for Education Week

An older child will probably have an easier time saying goodbye to you.

Younger kids—especially those who haven’t already attended a preschool program—may have a tougher time saying goodbye in the morning (and we all know how hard it is to leave a tearful tot at drop-off). Giving your child more time to become independent may help her let go when it’s time for the school day to start. with the in-home model of learning most schools will use this year, it may be challenging to start a drop-off situation mid-year should children resume in-class learning. 

Their fine motor skills will be more developed.

Older kids usually have an easier time with fine motor activities (holding a pencil and using scissors, for instance). Being able to do these things can help build confidence and make a kid more excited about their accomplishments at school.

They have more time to be kids; you have more time with them.

Waiting to start formal schooling gives kids more time to be kids, to enjoy a more leisurely day, and to play freely (which, studies have suggested may be more valuable than academics for young children). Delaying kindergarten also gives you one more year with your child. If you're lucky enough to be home with your kiddo, you'll be glad you got that time.

Related: What Redshirting My Son Taught Me about Time

Cons of Delaying Kindergarten

a kindergarten age boy plays with friends building with colorful blocks
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An older child may be taller than their classmates; that matters (especially in middle school). 

You may not be thinking about the teen years yet, but let’s not forget: A child who is the oldest kid in kindergarten will also be the oldest in her middle school grade—and that's no small thing, especially when puberty hits. 

They may be bored (and consequently misbehave).

This study has suggested that kids who delayed kindergarten were twice as likely to drop out of high school. Researchers think this is because they reach adult age sooner, which is when kids are legally allowed to quit school on their own (most state laws require kids to stay in school until at least age 17).

That extra year may be expensive.

If you’re a working parent, delaying kindergarten means another year of paying for childcare or preschool. And, with the average cost of preschool as high as more than $10,000 per year in some states (according to this study from the Economic Policy Institute), it's an expensive wait. 

They may not find peers on their level (initially).

A year can make a big difference when you're only still in your first decade of life. This means that a calm, more introverted six-year-old may have trouble finding like-minded peers in a kindergarten class full of rowdy five-year-olds.

It may not matter in the long run.

Despite conflicting research and strong opinions on both sides, it is still unclear whether "redshirting" makes any difference at all in the long run. Some studies even suggest that, whether your child starts school a year early or a year late, it all levels out by the middle school years.

Related: 16 First Day of School Picture Ideas to Start the Year Off Right

So... Now What?

With all that information,  you're probably still wondering: What is the right age to start kindergarten? The answer: Both. It really depends on the kid.

"Kids should be with developmental age peers as much as possible since kindergarten builds not just academics but social skills, too," said Deanna Lapen, a Los Angeles-based school psychologist and former kindergarten teacher. "With that being said, every child is an individual. Parents should think about why they would consider redshirting."

Lapen said parents should talk with their child's preschool teacher (if applicable) as well as look at the kindergarten curriculum for whatever school your child might attend. Then ask: "Is the upcoming kindergarten class a place where the child will thrive socially and academically?"

If so, don't delay. And, as always—trust your instincts.

“Live by the Golden Rule… but also know there’s more to it”

What exactly does it take to raise a compassionate, empathetic, and open-minded boy? According to experts, the key is open, honest, and frequent communication—starting when boys are young. We came up with 10 easy yet important messages for raising a son with compassion.

1. It’s more than OK to show and share your emotions.
Boys traditionally haven’t been encouraged to express themselves emotionally. Instead, they are applauded for their prowess in physical pursuits like sports. Despite social progress that has definitively proven otherwise, “boys don’t cry” and “man up” remain common-if-outdated sentiments among even the most well-meaning parents. “Boys can have battles and want to jump off of things and light things on fire, and still be emotionally complex and need to be held when they are upset,” says Rosalind Wiseman, a parenting educator and author of Masterminds and Wingmen. Let your boy cry, hug him and tell him that you support him, always.

2. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
According to Dr. Mary L. Gavin, what kids worry about is often related to the age and stage they’re in. For boys, particularly tween-aged and teenaged ones, anxiety about their changing bodies and changing social dynamics can easily and quickly spiral out of control. Encourage your boy to focus on what’s genuinely important—like having a solid foundation of knowing what’s right and what’s wrong—and to let go of the trivial stuff.

3. Live by the Golden Rule… but also know there’s more to it.
Beyond teaching the Golden Rule, which is to treat others as you’d want to be treated, impress upon your boy that while respect is a two-way street, tolerance, and acceptance are just as important. According to Dana Williams, parenting columnist at Teaching Tolerance, the Golden Rule alone is insufficient. “There are times when we as parents must explain things that are painful and unfair—racism, sexism, stereotypes, hate. Times when we must comfort our children, times I have had to help my eight-year-old son learn that what some would do unto him isn’t always kind or fair.” Teach boys that mutual respect is just a start toward open-hearted acceptance.

4. Learn to walk in others’ shoes.
An essential life skill that parents should teach children is empathy. “It sounds a lot like ‘sympathy,’ but empathy is quite different,” says business and life coach Justine Campbell of Mindquest Group. “Empathy is about feeling with other people. It’s the ability to understand and experience another’s feelings, and to respond in ways that help, not hinder.” Research shows that while the ability to understand others’ perspectives begins rising steadily in girls starting from age 13, it doesn’t really begin for boys until age 15. Empathy is like a muscle that needs to be flexed over time to gain power.

5. Know that kindness is one of your greatest strengths.
Speaking of muscles: perhaps the greatest muscle everyone needs to use more is kindness. Encouraging boys to practice kindness will help to habituate them to know how to give and receive kindness, which will reap benefits in current and future relationships. Science has proven that kindness and generosity are the two driving forces that lead to successful, long-term relationships. Remind your boy that the more he uses his kindness muscle, the stronger it’ll get.

Related: 20 Empowering Things to Say to Your Daughter Every Day

a little boy who's parents are raising a son with compassion for others
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6. Celebrate those who are different from you.
If empathy and tolerance are foundational skills required for nurturing a boy to become a nurturing, caring man, teaching him to celebrate differences in others will empower him to recognize and love the differences in himself. Scholastic has a useful lesson plan and reading list for learning about differences that can help foster a greater understanding for both young and old people alike.

7. Share what you have generously and willingly.
Generosity is an infectious condition. According to Nancy Eisenberg, a researcher who specializes in children’s social development, children become more generous by having the experience of giving to others—and learning how good that feels. But there’s a catch: Eisenberg cautions that the giving experience needs to be voluntary. “If we force children to share, they walk away resentful, not feeling generous. Not surprisingly, they’re less likely to share after that.”

8. Recognize and embrace your own strengths and ideas—don’t always go with the flow.
Few people would argue that callous behavior is somehow innate. If anything, bad attitudes and jerkiness tend to be learned over time—and either tamped down or reinforced by our social circles. Studies have shown that rudeness can be as contagious as the common cold; thus, it’s important to teach boys that they have control and ownership of their behavior and ideas, even if the crowd does and believes something different.

9. Know when to say “I’m sorry.”
For many people, especially men, the two hardest words to say are “I’m sorry.” Girls and women often are conditioned to apologize, whether or not an apology is warranted. Teaching boys the power of saying “I’m sorry” will instill self-awareness and humility, and give them a head start in understanding that taking personal responsibility is a quality that will serve them well into their adulthood.

10. Be yourself.
Whether you’re raising a son who is a star athlete who likes to wear black nail polish or a math whiz who likes to watch Broadway musicals, letting your kid know that he is perfect exactly the way he is will empower him to love himself, no matter what external cultural and social forces and messages may be put upon him. Reinforcing the truth that there isn’t a single way to “be a man” will help to create a new generation of boys who’ll change the world for the better.

Related: 9 ‘Harmless’ Phrases That Hurt Kids More Than You Think

With therapy, my daughter became empowered. She walked into school each and every day with her head held as high as the trees.

“Can you find me a therapist, Mom?” my daughter asked while calming down after an emotional episode.

She’s eight.

“Of course, honey,” I said.“I need help with my emotions,” she said. “And I don’t even know who I am.”

Shocked by her self-awareness, I tried putting my eyes back into my head. To me, my eight-year-old was wiser than most adults I know. She wanted to help herself evolve, and overall, just learn how to be better. And while our culture has grown in regards to accepting therapy, it can still feel stigmatized—especially for kids.

I mean, adults getting therapy? Sure. That’s widely accepted now for the most part. But kids? They only go to therapy after trauma, right? I feared that’s how society still viewed it. I felt that some people wouldn’t quite understand and that my parenting would be judged.

But when I told some of my closest friends, their responses felt like a gift. I’ll never forget their gentleness: “Wow, we could all learn a thing or two from your daughter” and “I think your daughter just inspired me to go to therapy.”

So, we got started. Initially, I sat with my daughter to make her more comfortable; yes, I was learning right along with her. After the first few sessions, I noticed my daughter begin to take control of her emotions instead of her emotions taking control of her.

You see, she was having a pretty rough year at school. Between a cruel teacher who ended up quitting in the middle of the school year and some girls who had been bullying her, her usual bright spirits were dimming. After a while, things grew too heavy for her, and her emotions began to spiral—daily.

But with therapy, she became empowered. She walked into school each and every day with her head held as high as the trees. Sure, her days weren’t perfect. But my daughter learned how to navigate those uneasy moments. Instead of coming home with those big emotions, she could put out the smoke within her before it turned into a forest fire.

Related: 5 Ways to Help Your Kid Become Their Own Mental Health Advocate

As her parent, I was able to stay regulated, too. Before therapy, it was difficult for me to sit with her during one of those intense episodes. There were times I’d simply feel so stressed that I was unable to calm her that I’d either raise my voice or use a sterner tone than she deserved. But therapy has taught us both that while big emotions can be tough to get a handle on, they’ll pass if we let them. They’re not something that will stay inside our bodies forever. We can simply acknowledge them and then give them permission to move along. Together, my daughter and I have been able to accomplish this.

I’m happy to report that her joy is back. She is bright when she bounds into the car after school. She’s able to tackle both the small and big problems of her days. And she now knows that she can manage her uncomfortable feelings.

I get why someone may feel shame sending their child to therapy without their having a traumatic experience to work through. Unfortunately, society has set us up to believe that we should be able to handle ourselves and that we should be in control of our children. But those days of martyrdom need to be over.

Therapy not only helps our children, but it shows that it’s OK to ask for help. Asking for help in any situation or phase in life demonstrates a real vulnerability and compassion for oneself. And isn’t that what should aspire to teach our kids? To love themselves?

At the end of the day, therapy has empowered our family to be vulnerable with one another. Because we now know, it will only make us stronger. So, let’s say it out loud: my little kid goes to therapy—and it’s awesome.

This mom wants to know if she’s a jerk for letting her 7-year-old use the self-checkout on a busy day at the grocery store, and the internet is not holding back

We all know what it’s like to be out and about with a kid growing into their independence and wanting to do everything by themselves. But over on Reddit’s “Am I the A**hole” forum, a mom is hearing from the whole internet after she gave in to her 7-year-old’s request to handle the self-checkout solo at the grocery store—on a Sunday, while the store was packed and there was a line of people waiting for the machines.

“I am a big believer in learning by doing,” the mom wrote. “I like to give my son as interactive a role in things as possible, and if he wants to do something himself, I always at least let him try unless it’s unsafe. When we got to the self-checkout, he confidently told me he could do it by himself, so I let him.”

AITA for letting my son operate the self checkout?
by u/LearnAsPractice in AmItheAsshole

She continued, “There are about ten self-checkouts and one line for all the machines, so people don’t line up behind individual machines. He was a lot slower than I would have been, but he managed to do it all with my supervision, even the produce. As we started to wheel away, a woman walked up and slammed her grocery basket on the counter. She said ‘thanks for doing that as slow as possible, asshole.'”

The mom thought that the rude woman was the a**hole in this situation, but she turned to the internet for a final verdict. And, well, the internet didn’t love her self-checkout shenanigans, either.

“You should have let your son help with a few items, not all of them, or taken him at a less busy time so you’re not inconveniencing others,” one commenter wrote. “Learning by doing is great, but there’s always a time and place for things.”

Another Redditor weighed in, “My kid loves doing the self-checkout, but I only have him help with scanning if it’s busy (he’s fastest at that) and I do the bagging and paying. OP was being rude as hell.”

Even a grocery store employee offered their perspective: “The store isn’t a preschool. The world doesn’t revolve around you or your kid.”

But most of the commenters also agreed with the mom in this story: The woman was also an a**hole, especially for getting so worked up she swore in front of a 7-year-old kid.

“She had no business commenting. That’s what self check out means — we all do it at our own speed,” one commenter wrote.

Another common thread in the responses was that the mom missed an opportunity to teach her kid a more important lesson than scanning produce—self-awareness and courtesy.

“At a certain point, the ability to use a self-checkout is just common sense,” one person wrote. “Decency, empathy, compassion, social etiquette, etc (& the reactions you’ll get when you don’t use ’em) actually DO have to be taught.”

In the end, the internet delivered its verdict: Everyone sucks here. The commenting woman needed to calm down, but the mom should have chosen a less busy time to teach her child how to work the self-checkout.

Kids who respect different worldviews and love all kinds of different people are just two good things that come from being socially aware

Raising children who feel good about who they are, love all different kinds of people, and respect different worldviews is still not mainstream. The good news is that parenting is our greatest social activism because we can influence our children to be more socially aware and compassionate. We can expose them to different environments, cultures, and people, give them opportunities to learn in collaborative settings, and help them find opportunities to serve others. These things will help our children develop the soft skills that they need to be more successful in life and ultimately transform the culture of our society. Here are five specific reasons why being socially aware matters.

Kids who are socially aware will develop and display greater emotional intelligence

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A child who is trained to be socially aware can empathize with the perspectives of others, listen empathically and display vulnerability. These are the skills that comprise emotional intelligence. According to Salovey and Mayer (1990), emotional intelligence is a “set of skills that contribute to the accurate appraisal and expression of emotion in oneself and others, the effective regulation of emotion, and the use of feelings to motivate, plan, and achieve in one’s life.” Research suggests that emotional intelligence may be a greater predictor of success than IQ, so these skills are important to the growth and development of your children. Children who can imagine what others are going through will be better able to perceive, use, understand and manage emotions, which will ultimately serve them in learning and achieving their goals.

Kids who are socially aware will be better prepared to be leaders

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Being socially aware means that you understand how to react to different social scenarios, and you can adapt your interactions to achieve the best results in any situation.  A child who develops the sophistication to read people and situations will be able to gain friends, influence people, and motivate and inspire others. According to renowned executive coach, Maren Perry, it is great to have a strong understanding of your skills, values, and emotions and to be able to focus and manage your emotions, “However, outstanding leaders balance this self-focused drive with a healthy amount of empathy and organizational awareness to leverage others to accomplish more than they can alone.”

Related: 10 Ways Parents Can Fight for Social Justice Every Day

Kids who are socially aware will have greater self-awareness and self-acceptance

Jonathan Borba via Unsplash

According to the book Emotional Intelligence 2.0, while self-awareness “involves looking inward to learn about yourself and understand yourself, social awareness is looking outward to learn about and appreciate others.” This is a reciprocal process of learning that involves understanding yourself and understanding others to greater and greater depths. A child will learn to appreciate their personality and individuality as they learn to authentically respect the experiences and perspectives of others. They will develop the ability to see themselves more clearly and evaluate themselves through introspection. Essentially, as a child learns to step outside of their own experience, they will learn how to be critically self-reflective as well.

Kids who are socially aware are more likely to practice gratitude

volunteering at a food bank is a great way to teach kids how to be grateful
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According to the Character Lab, gratitude is "appreciation of the benefits we receive from others and the desire to reciprocate." To be grateful, you need to be aware of the benefits you receive from others and understand how to reciprocate appropriately. Gratitude is a social and emotional learning skill that is built from in-person interactions, meaningful discussion, and reflection. 

Gratitude is associated with many positive outcomes including more satisfying social relationships and decreased distress and mental illness. There are four components to gratitude, as identified by UNC-Chapel Hill’s Raising Grateful Children Project:

  • Noticing: Did someone do something nice for you? Did someone give you something or take you somewhere fun?
  • Thinking: What are all the reasons you’re thankful for this? Why do you think someone did something nice for you? Does this mean something to you? 
  • Feeling: When you think about these special things or people, how do you feel?
  • Doing: What can you actively do to express your gratitude for this person, place, or thing? 

Social awareness supports a grateful attitude in children because they learn to be humble and appreciative as they consider the perspectives of others.

Related: 10 Words & Phrases You Might Not Know Are Racist

Kids who are socially aware can persevere and find greater purpose in life

October birthday
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Finally, research has also shown that individuals with greater social awareness and higher emotional intelligence perform better on cognitive tasks and are better able to overcome frustration when faced with challenges performing these tasks. Perseverance comes from a growth mindset. A child who approaches learning with humility and open-mindedness is going to be more resilient in their processes. This combination of compassion and resilience will support children in finding and achieving greater purpose in their lives through strong relationships, flexibility of thought, and persistence toward their goals.

As parents, moving through the day at a mile-a-minute can easily become our norm. We often mislabel multitasking as a badge of honor when in reality it can be quite detrimental to our memory, and our ability to fully be in the moment with our loved ones. Introduce after-school activities, homework, birthday parties, media-time and our kids wind up on the same loop of go-go-go that we do.

Looking for an easy moment of pause? We’ve got you.

Something as simple as a daily reading routine with your kids can slow your pace and allow for your family to become present. Cracking a book, connecting over a story, delighting in the imagery on the page and in your imagination…these are the moments, it seems, we work so hard to capture. And these are the moments debut author-illustrator June Tate provides for parents, caretakers, teachers and the children in their lives with her book “What’s Sweeter.”

While tackling the everyday grind can model resilience, we love the opportunity that “What’s Sweeter” provides in modeling self-awareness, self-confidence and emotionality.

Peppered with delightful stencil drawings, this book is just as beneficial for our kids as it is for us.

Pass this book to the sweetest around you.

The Story

is there anything sweeter / than cracking open a stiff new book to take a big whiff / and finding a list of all sweet moments that are tiny and powerful and everyday.

We follow a diverse cast of charmingly sketched characters as they reflect in wonder at everyday delights. Whether it’s landing a new skateboard trick or picking a big bowl of oranges by yourself, this book naturally inspires kids to recognize and relish the little moments in their daily lives.

Learning how to take these moments of pause and reflection is a lifelong practice your kids can begin to replicate outside of story-hour, and carry with them throughout their lives.

What Others Are Saying About What’s Sweeter:

'A soothing bedtime read. A quiet book that will help readers experience and reflect on the rich sensations of life.' — Kirkus Reviews

'Those who read it will find themselves enthralled. An endearing book for caregivers to share with children.' — School Library Journal

'Tate’s whimsical musing ends with a twist that brings this beguiling, even sweet, interlude close to the reader.' — Publishers Weekly

Perfect for a holiday gift, or any occasion, this book highlights the charm and joy in every day’s seemingly simple occurrences. Order your copy today.