What we say to girls matters. “Our daughters script their stories, at least partially, on how we write them,” says speaker and author Dr. Jody Carrington, Ph.D. “Showing them how we want them to show up in the world while using words that empower them–like “leaders” who are kind and clear, confident, reflective, and responsible—is what they need from us, now more than ever.” While we need to know the phrases that empower the next generation of women, it’s also good to learn what not to say to your daughter.
1. Boys will be boys.
This old-fashioned response to a girl expressing her dislike of a boy’s behavior is toxic. Girls should be taught from a young age that boys shouldn’t get away with unacceptable actions due to their gender. Parents can show their daughters that they take these issues seriously by listening with empathy and taking steps to change the situation.
2. You got lucky.
A Center for Creative Leadership study found that “nearly ½ of all women interviewed attributed their success to ‘luck’ compared to only ⅓ of men.” If we want girls to grow into women who own their achievements, we need to celebrate the work they put into achieving their goals. Did your girl ace her last test? Tell her you’re proud of the way she studied for it. Did she learn a new song on the piano? Celebrate her commitment to regular practice. The more we connect girls’ achievements to their efforts, the easier it will be for them to avoid impostor syndrome as adults.
3. Stop being so bossy.
Telling a girl she’s ‘bossy’ feeds into the stereotype that only boys get to be assertive and girls should be quiet and retiring. Instead, celebrate that she feels confident enough in her opinions to instruct others. Say something like, “You’re so good at making plans for games! Remember that your game should be fun for everybody. Let your friend make some decisions too.” This helps her hone those emerging leadership skills.
4. You would be a lot prettier if you smiled more.
This phrase implies that your daughter’s feelings are less important than looking attractive to everyone else. If you’re worried that your daughter’s overall outlook on life is negative, find ways to discuss the issue without connecting it to her appearance or likeability. “Knowing that they are loved as they help with building self-belief and confidence, especially when others around them are being unkind,” says Dr. Angela Low, a researcher at Child Health BC.
Discuss the long-term consequences of focusing on the negative in every situation. Negative people miss out on the good things in the world because they fail to notice them. Consider starting a gratitude journal with your daughter. Or have her tell you two positive things about a situation every time she says something negative. You’ll not only help her notice the good details in life but also help her regulate the stories she tells herself.
If your daughter shares details about her day-to-day life with you, consider yourself lucky. “Resilience researchers study kids that thrive despite difficult circumstances. These kids have one thing in common–a trusted adult who they believe loves them unconditionally,” Dr. Low says.
“Knowing that an adult has their back no matter what means that they have somewhere to go to seek advice and counsel, when life gets a little overwhelming, or when they make mistakes (as we all do).” Show you’re there for her, even if you’ve heard enough about YouTube and TikTok to last a lifetime. Listen to her now so she will open up to you when it’s crucial, later. If you absolutely can’t listen right away, try saying this: “You’re important to me, and I want to focus on what you have to say. Can you wait for me to finish this task so I can listen to you?”
In this era of competitive parenting, you might find yourself looking at another child who is a better dancer, student, athlete, etc. But telling your child they don’t do XYZ as well as another kid is harmful. It leads kids to feel “less than” which leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, and other issues. Remember, there’s always going to be someone who does something better than all of us, and it’s better to point out their strengths or guide them to the things that interest them, not what might just look good in a social media feed.
7. You should go on a diet.
Want to know how to talk to your daughter about her weight? Don’t. Instead, teach her how her body works and what types of food and exercise make her body healthy, strong, and well-nourished. Make sure she knows that the bodies she sees in magazines and social media have been digitally edited to achieve that look. Talk about society’s pressures on women to look a certain way, even though bodies come in all shapes and sizes.
Compliment her for the things her body can do. And make sure you talk about how proud you are of the things YOUR body can do. If she sees you loving your real-world body, it will be easier for her to develop a healthy relationship with food.
8. That’s not for girls.
It’s the 21st century, y’all. Women are achieving amazing things in sports, business, and the sciences. Encourage your daughter to pursue her dreams regardless of whether her aspirations are in traditionally male-dominated areas or not. Worried that she may run across people who treat her unkindly because they don’t think girls should apply? You can help her navigate any future challenging circumstances now. Connect her to training, sponsors, and networks that can support her goals. This will build her self-confidence and resilience as she pursues her ambitions.
So, you’re ready to start your baby on solid foods. At 6 months old, your little one meets the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommended age to begin their foodie journey. You’ve talked to your pediatrician and decided to tempt your baby’s developing taste buds with some yummy single-ingredient bites like bananas, apples, or (my son’s absolute favorite) sweet potatoes. Now comes the big question: How are you feeling?
It’s normal to be a little (or a lot) nervous when your baby reaches a new milestone, and starting solids is no different. There’s the timing, whether you try baby-led weaning or purées, potential allergies, and the mess of it all. But on the plus, it’s a fun new activity to do with your baby and produces the cutest faces ever. (The way they pucker when they taste lemon? Chef’s kiss.) Plus, there’s nothing to fear because we’re here to help you understand the finer points of feeding. We asked the experts to reveal the most common mistakes parents and caregivers make when starting solids so you can support your baby (and yourself!) during this new and exciting stage. Here’s what they had to say.
1. Not managing expectations
Lots of parents have a preconceived idea of what this new world of solids is going to be like, coloured by loved ones, movies and TV shows, and our own imaginations. You’ll be thrilled when your infant takes to bananas and wants them all the time… until you realize that after each meal you’ll be picking clumps of the sticky fruit off the wall (and out of your hair). So managing your expectations is key off the bat.
“We tend to think that eating is an inherent skill that we’re all born knowing how to do, but that’s actually not true,” says Jenny Friedman MS, RD, Pediatric Dietitian and author of the book Stories of Extreme Picky Eating. Eating is a learned skill and it’s complicated, not to mention the fact that young babies have a natural tongue thrust reflex that pushes food out of their mouths, so Friedman says knowing that your little one will take time to learn and need to explore is helpful. In this case, playing with your food can be a good thing, and Friedman says being open and supportive through this process is a good way to start solid foods.
2. Being unprepared
When you’re starting solids you’ll also want to gear up on some practical knowledge. “Make sure you’re updated on safety and first aid courses,” says Melanie Potock, MA, CCC-SLP, a speech-language pathologist who specializes in pediatric feeding and author of the book Responsive Feeding. This way you’ll feel more confident going in.
You’ll also want to read up on the different schools of thought on how to approach solid foods. You pretty much have three options, explains Potock: parent or caregiver spoon-feeding with purées, baby-led-weaning where babies practice their motor skills by feeding themselves, or a hybrid approach. Understanding each method allows you to pivot if your chosen technique doesn’t match your infant’s preference. “In my experience, most parents do a hybrid approach to feeding,” says Potock.
3. Starting too early or too late
Are you trying to figure out when your babe is ready to start solids? There are guidelines for that. Both Potock and Freidman cite the AAP’s suggestion to begin solids at around 6 months old, and the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) offers benchmarks like your baby being able to support themselves while sitting up in a high chair, and trying to grab for small objects. Freidman says ideally your infant should also show some interest in food such as paying attention to the snack you’re eating and even grabbing for it. When all of these signs align, talk to your pediatrician about the feeding process and create a plan that works for you and your little one.
If your baby shows no interest in the sweetness of their sweet potatoes at first, it doesn’t mean your timing is off. Friedman explains that lots of infants need more than one exposure to a certain food to become comfortable with it. Potock adds that you can help them become more accustomed to different oral sensations by regularly changing up their teethers to safe options in different sizes and textures.
It’s also important to be aware that during your feeds it’s normal for your baby to gag here and there, and is in no way an indication that they aren’t ready for solids. Friedman says gagging is fine because it’s actually a sign that your infant is able to clear food out of their throat. Gagging is a normal reflex that’s loud and can possibly turn your baby’s skin red, whereas choking is quiet and can possibly make baby’s skin turn bluish, according to the NHS. Should you have any concerns here, talk to your healthcare provider.
4. Throwing in the dish towel too quickly
Rumor has it that all babies fuss when starting solid foods and that picky eaters abound. This is why it’s easy to believe that your baby’s pained expression means they don’t relish eating peas—or does it? “Most babies will make faces and gag occasionally at the new sensory experience of eating solid foods,” Potock says.
However, if you’re finding it hard to move past a particular bout of foodie fussiness, this may have more to do with an underlying issue like a missed nap or teething. In this case, Potock says to respect your child’s behavior and simply give them a break or try again another time. “In my experience, most babies do like most foods.” So, she encourages you not to draw any conclusions too soon about what your little likes and doesn’t like at this stage.
It’s so important and valuable to introduce your infant to a variety of flavors, textures, and colors when trying out solids. “If your child doesn’t seem to like something right away or if they struggle to eat something, try again,” Friedman says. For example, an apple can be shredded, soft-boiled in halves, or served as applesauce.
5. Putting too much pressure on yourself
Having a shared dinner time can boost your child’s self-esteem, develop healthy eating habits, and improve communication skills, according to the Family Dinner Project.org. But while sharing a meal has proven benefits and might sound easy enough, experts acknowledge that it’s just not always realistic. “I’d love it if babies could be part of family meal times,” Potock says, “but in our busy world that’s not always possible.”
Freidman echoes this sentiment, saying, “My number one recommendation is that families do what works for them.” She points out that eating together can help babies learn social skills and how to eat, engage, and share food, but that eating together is not a requirement given changing schedules, family commitments, and more. The good news is that even if only your babe is eating, you’re still spending time engaging with them and this is important, too.
6. Not reading the cues
“Baby has their own internal cues to help them know when they’re full and when they’re hungry,” explains Potock. Being mindful of these signs is a solid way to help your tot enjoy the whole process. “We know for sure that paying attention to baby’s cues and creating positive energies around the experience will help baby look forward to the feeding experience.” While picking up on responsive feeding cues like an eager expression, leaning forward with anticipation, or attempting to self-feed can let you know your little one is ready to go, there are also cues to tell you they’re done the meal—such as head turning, arching their body forward, or no longer opening their mouth—and it’s important to listen.
Reading your baby’s cues can go a long way in creating a healthy relationship with food, and Freidman emphasizes the importance of not forcing food when they’re giving you cues that they’re done. “Try to establish a responsive, respectful relationship while you’re feeding your kid,” she says.
The Fun in Food
When it comes to starting solids with your kiddo, there’s definitely a learning curve, but there’s plenty of fun to be had too. Freidman says one of her biggest pieces of advice is remembering to give your babe room to explore—and that a little mess isn’t the end of the world. “When you’re constantly wiping your child’s mouth and catching their food, you’re minimizing their experience of exploration,” Freidman explains. “So wait until the end of the meal and then clean up.”
And of course, all that mess lends itself to one last piece of advice from Potock: “Get the camera ready because it’s pretty cute!”
If you’ve ever asked your kids “How was your day?” and received what sounds like a grunt or the ever-popular “OK,” you’re not alone. Instead of letting family chats fall to the wayside, consider using conversation starters for kids during your next family dinner. Sure, gathering everyone for a meal might seem impossible, but it’s more important than ever; studies have shown that families that eat together often have healthier diets, increased communication, and overall emotional stability.
And, engaging your kids in conversation has other huge benefits. It helps them learn important social skills, boosts vocabulary, raises self-esteem (especially when you listen to their responses), and could lead to them opening up about things that might be bothering them. So, if you’ve come this far, congrats! The next step? Figuring out what to talk about at the table. That’s where our fun conversation starters for kids come in handy.
How to Use Conversation Starters
Time your questions.
If your kid is hungry, tired, or both, it might not be the best time to engage in elaborate table talk. Use conversation starters with kids when you aren’t rushing to get to practice, there isn’t homework to be finished, and everyone is in a good mood.
Listen to their answers.
So, their curiosity is piqued, and they’re thinking hard about what to say. You need to be present in the moment and listen. Kids’ self-esteem gets a boost when they know their parents are listening.
Don’t forget to ask open-ended questions.
Consider using conversation starters for kids that require more than yes or no answers. If kids (or anyone) have a chance to elaborate on their answers, that can open the door to more interesting conversations.
47 Conversation Starters for Kids
1. Can you guess the ingredients in the meal tonight?
2. What do you like better: waking up in the morning or going to bed at night?
3. Would you rather be a giant rodent or a tiny elephant?
4. What would you do if you had a million dollars?
5. If you had to eat a worm, how would you cook it?
6. What is a weird habit that you have?
7. If you had this week to do over again, what would you do differently?
8. Would you rather go without television or junk food for the rest of your life?
9. If a genie granted you three wishes, what would they be?
10. If money were no object, where would you like to go on vacation?
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11. Where is the most interesting place you have ever been to?
12. Would you rather swim with stingrays or explore the jungle?
13. If you could make any vegetable against the law, which would it be?
14. Would you rather not hear or not see?
15. Would you rather wrestle a lion or fight a shark?
16. If you were sent to live on a space station for three months and were only allowed to bring three personal items, what would they be?
17. If you had your human body but the head of an animal, what animal would you pick?
18. What is one favorite thing you do by yourself?
19. If you could read one person’s mind, whose would it be?
20. What two things do you consider yourself to be very good at?
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21. Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?
22. What is your favorite smell? What memory does it remind you of?
23. What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?
24. If you could be one character from a book for a day, who would it be and why?
25. What's the last thing that made you laugh?
26. Tell me about something that made you happy today.
27. What does a perfect day look like to you?
28. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?
29. If you could be in the movie of your choice, what movie would you choose and what character would you play?
30. Would you rather wear your pants backward or shoes on the wrong feet?
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31. What did you do to help someone else today?
32. What makes our family special?
33. What three words would you use to describe yourself?
34. What is your favorite song?
35. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or know how to speak every language?
36. If you could be a sound, what would it be?
37. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you pick?
38. Who is your favorite movie character?
39. If you had to make dinner tomorrow night, what would you make?
40. If you were a parent, what rules would you have? Are they different from ours?
41. What is your earliest memory?
42. If you could only have three toys, which three would they be?
43. If you could pick your name, what would it be?
It’s hard to believe that we’ve already entered the spring season (how is time flying by so quickly?). Before we know it, summer will be here—bringing with it that long three-month lull where kids crave constant entertainment at home.
If you’re looking for an experience that’ll keep your children active and engaged all summer long, the LA Clipper’s youth basketball program (known as Clippers Camps) offers an unforgettable experience across Southern California for boys and girls from six to 14 years old.
With sessions available in South Bay, Westside, Orange County, the Valley, and Los Angeles, this official Jr. NBA basketball camp helps players develop key skills that will benefit them for a lifetime. From teamwork and leadership to confidence and resilience, Clippers Camps provides a well-rounded learning environment for athletic and personal growth.
Keep reading to explore the top 10 skills your child can gain from attending this summer basketball camp, and discover why it’s never too early to start planning for a summer full of growth and development!
10 Life Skills Kids Can Gain from Basketball Camp
1. Discipline
Basketball camp provides the perfect environment for kids to develop discipline. The structured nature of the camp teaches big kids and little ones alike the importance of being punctual and on time, following instructions, and giving their best effort in every aspect of the game. These valuable qualities not only benefit them on the court but also in school and with their future dreams.
2. Friendship and community
Whether your kiddo is shy or a social butterfly, camps provide a supportive environment where every child can make new friends and feel a sense of belonging. Whether campers sign up with friends or siblings, or attend solo, they quickly find themselves surrounded by a welcoming and inclusive group.
At Clippers Camps, these tight-knit bonds also extend far beyond summertime. Players are always encouraged to return for multi-day camps during the fall, winter, or spring to improve their skills and reconnect with former campmates.
3. Perseverance
Basketball camp is more than just dribbling and shooting hoops; it’s a training ground for everyday challenges. At Clippers Camps, kids spend each day diving into the fundamental skills of basketball—ball-handling, passing, shooting, footwork, and defense—that help push them beyond their comfort zones. Through added competitions and supportive coaching, campers also have the chance to further cultivate a mindset of resilience, while honing their skills on the court.
4. Goal setting
If your child struggles with sticking to goals at home and in school, Clippers Camps can help. Camps are challenged to set specific, achievable goals and develop a plan to reach them, like improving their shooting accuracy or mastering a new move. This teaches players the importance of making a short- or long-term plan and sticking with it through the end.
5. Teamwork
Remember the old adage, “There’s no I in team”? With basketball camp, kids discover the importance of working together with teammates, communicating effectively, and understanding their role within a team dynamic. To further empathize the importance of working towards a common goal, Clipper Camps encourages and values parent and family input. This ensures coaches maintain fairness across teams as well as provide individual attention for each camper.
6. Responsibility
While kids gravitate towards Clipper Camps’ high-energy regimen, Jr. Clippers coaches make sure that every day also coupled with a sense of responsibility. From taking care of their giveaway jersey and keeping track of their equipment to being on time for drills and games, campers learn that their actions have consequences and that being responsible is to key to being a successful athlete and teammate.
7. Communication
Summer camps are all about helping kids flourish in all areas of life, including the ability to interact and collaborate with peers and adults alike. Whether they’re playing a game or completing a drill, campers practice a variety of communication skills with their teammates and coaches, like verbal cues, hand signals, and even non-verbal methods while on the court.
8. Leadership and problem solving
At Clippers Camps, children are mentored to take on leadership roles and develop their problem-solving skills. They learn to think on their feet and lead by example by leading a warmup, organizing a play, or motivating their teammates.
9. Confidence
Childhood is a crucial time for the development of confidence and self-esteem, and any organized sport or camp can help kids of all ages and stages believe in themselves. At basketball camp, coaches give constant encouragement and positive reinforcement, helping campers discover their abilities and realize their potential.
10. Remembering to have fun
Sure, skill-building is essential in any sports camp, but the importance of having fun ranks high above the rest. Kids learn that enjoying the game and having a great time is just as significant as improving how well they perform in a match.
Ready for your child to learn, grow, and have fun this summer with Clippers Camp? Secure your athlete’s spot today for the 2024 summer program across Southern California—including South Bay, Westside, Orange County, the Valley, and Los Angeles—for an experience that’ll shape their future!
A parent’s endless love for their baby can feel like a one-way street. Despite doing everything you can to keep this little blob happy, sometimes your babe just won’t stop screaming in your face, and that’s when you might start to wonder if they even like you. They do, of course—and they even show it! But unlike smiling or crawling, your infant declaring their love isn’t a neatly charted milestone, and the early signs your baby loves you can be so subtle that you may just be missing them. Here are a few ways your little bean is actually letting you know just how much they adore you.
1. They gaze at you.
Newborns don’t see particularly well—they’re highly sensitive to bright light, and for their first two months, their eyes often do not work together very well, according to the American Academy of Ophthalmology. But as the weeks go by, they’ll gain the ability to focus on objects that are close, and along with bright colors and large shapes, they’re fascinated by faces, particularly those of their caregivers. “Infants are drawn to faces, and when they’re being fed in particular, they’ll stare up at you and it’s a loving experience,” says Dr. Joanne Cummings, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Toronto. Get up close and let them take in all the features of your face, as they build up the connection between you and all the good things in life that you bring them.
Despite being surrounded by fluid, infants can hear sounds when inside the womb, and they fall in love with the comforting consistency of their mother’s heartbeat and voice. Once they’re on the outside, your voice continues to represent comfort and security during a time of chaos and change. That’s why you might notice that your little one turns their head toward you when you speak, even when being held by another caregiver they love.
3. They love your cuddles.
When your baby is tired, upset, or overstimulated, do they calm right down if you scoop them up and hold them close? Or, even better, nuzzle their head into your neck a little? That’s love, baby! Your little one is saying they want and need your comfort. “In the newborn stage, babies are generally more comforted when they’re held by an attachment figure like mom or dad,” says Cummings. “As they get better control of their bodies, that’s when you can see them snuggle into you or caress you during feeding.” Of course, not all babies are cuddlers, and if yours rejects the snuggles it most certainly doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that there’s anything wrong with them. Physical touch might not be their love language—or at least not at this stage in their life—and that’s OK.
4. They smile at you.
There’s maybe nothing sweeter in the world than your baby’s first smiles. They usually show up around the six-week mark, give or take, but around four months is when babies will smile to engage you and show their love. “Often in the first weeks, they smile when they’re dreaming, or some say it’s because of gas, but after six weeks, when they’re looking at you directly and smile, you’ll know it’s a social smile,” says Cummings.
How you respond to those smiles is important. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, responding quickly and enthusiastically lets babies know they’re important to you and can trust you. It also shows you’re interested in and value them, which contributes to their developing self-esteem.
It may seem strange that a tiny baby—who barely knows night from day and literally doesn’t realize their hands belong to them—could recognize and be comforted by a specific odor, but science proves it. In one study, crying newborns were presented with an article of clothing that smelled like their mom and they stopped crying, while a clean piece of clothing didn’t do a thing. In another study, babies showed a distinct preference for a cotton swab with their mother’s breast milk on it. Your baby loves your scent because they love you!
6. They’re sad when you leave.
Although it can break your heart when your baby reaches and cries for you as you’re leaving, it’s also pretty strong evidence of their love and attachment. “This occurs over the first 18 months of life that they become distressed when you leave,” says Cummings. Just don’t be surprised if they freak out when you return, too, like when you pick your baby up from daycare and they cry hysterically. They definitely aren’t upset that you’re back. Rather, Cummings says they’re more likely just overwhelmed by their big emotions—and those most definitely include their love for you.
What is it with kids not putting on their shoes? You ask nicely. You remind them kindly. But there they are playing on their devices in their socks, and you turn into Momzilla. All parents try their best, but no one gets it right all of the time. We asked two licensed therapists and a Montessori educator to weigh in on common discipline mistakes parents make and techniques to break out of them.
1. Inconsistency
According to Nilou Esmaeilpour, MSc, RCC at lotustherapy.ca, “One of the most common mistakes is not being consistent with discipline. This can confuse children and make them unsure about what to expect.” Children–whether toddlers or tweens–thrive on consistency. You wouldn’t think so by how often they argue with you. But nothing is more aggravating than getting away with something one day and getting punished for it the next.
Psychologists call this sort of inconsistent discipline intermittent reinforcement, and yes, every parent in the history of the world has accidentally reinforced the wrong thing. The great news is that you can walk back this habit. Esmaeilpour advises parents to set clear boundaries and rules. “Make sure all caregivers are on the same page regarding what behaviors are acceptable and the consequences of misbehavior.”
This can be hard if you can’t reach an agreement with your relatives or spouse on the behaviors that deserve consequences. If this is your situation, focus on being consistent in your zone. Once your littles know you’re serious, they won’t test those boundaries as much as they do now.
2. Relying Solely on Punishments
“Many parents react to bad behavior instead of proactively teaching good behavior,” says Esmaeilpour. This is an easy discipline mistake because no one wants to raise children who expect an award every time they do what they’re supposed to. But think back to when you had a boss or teacher who only criticized your mistakes. Did that motivate you to do your best work? Or did you feel like giving up because there was no way to please them?
While you do need to correct your crew, spend more time teaching the values and actions you want to see. Your tween is a student in the school of life, so coach them accordingly. And then “focus on positive reinforcement and rewards for good behavior, rather than only punishments for undesirable actions,” adds Esmaeilpour.
Multiplestudies have shown that positive reinforcement works better and faster than punishment. Teachers call this ‘catching someone doing good;’ it’s a powerful way to motivate kids to do the right thing. Make a goal to praise your little ones for six good things they do each day, and reward yourself every time you hit it. When that gets easy, raise the quota.
3. Being Overly Authoritative
No parent in their right mind negotiates with a toddler running toward the street. Or debates the merits of pureed vegetables with a six-month-old. So there are moments when we need kids to do what they’re told, but as Esmaeilpour points out, “demanding blind obedience can stifle a child’s sense of autonomy and independence.” Ultimately, we want our minis to grow into independent, resourceful people who will do the right thing even when it’s hard. Those aren’t skills you learn in a household run like a boot camp.
Esmaeilpour advocates that parents “Explain the reasons behind rules and involve older children in rule-setting.” You may want to start with a house rule your tween has trouble with. Tell them that while you are the parent and will set the rules, you want to hear their side of the story. Then, ask follow-up questions. Could you modify the house rule based on their feedback? Sometimes the answer isn’t “no,” it’s “not yet.” If that is the case for the house rule you’re discussing, you’ll need to map out when it might change.
Discussion takes longer than issuing demands, but stick with it. Children who know why they’re avoiding certain behaviors are more obedient when you aren’t watching. Tweens who help shape the rules of the house move from “My parents don’t let me do that” to “I don’t do that.” At that point, they will make better choices as they move through the world.
4. Not Following Through with Consequences
Montessori educator and PATH International certified therapeutic riding instructor Samantha Facciolo says, “One common mistake I see parents making about discipline is not following through with appropriate consequences. Take an unruly child in a community pool: The parent might warn the child, ‘If you don’t stop screaming/splashing people, we’re going home.’ Too often, the parent might reissue the demand several times without following through. In this case, the child is being taught that it’s okay to not respect the limits set and, consequently, is not learning self-regulation. Empty threats send the message that the parent doesn’t need to be trusted and doesn’t need to be listened to.”
Facciolo outlines three ways to stop making this discipline mistake. First, outline clear expectations for how the child should behave and offer age-appropriate explanations for your expectations. “Explain these before the child is distracted by the excitement and stimuli of the outing. Parents can also outline what consequence–not punishment–will result if the appropriate behaviors are not exhibited.”
If your child does misbehave, Facciolo suggests that you “find a quiet, calm moment to remind the child of the expected behavior. The child can correct the undesired behavior and continue enjoying the outing, or the parent will enact a logical and related consequence.”
And lastly, follow through on the outlined consequence if needed.
Set yourself up for success, and pick a set of consequences in advance and make sure you are willing to follow through on them. That way, you won’t paint yourself into a corner.
5. Not Allowing Natural Consequences
To be clear, we’re not talking about letting a child get burned by the stove or fall from a second-story window. “If it’s safe to do so, let your child experience the results of their choices (like forgetting a jacket on a chilly day). They’ll likely remember the feeling and choose differently next time,” says Esmaeilpour.
Letting kids experience natural consequences can be hard to do. The key is to start small; if your minis forget to pack a towel before going to the pool, let them put on their clothes while soaking wet. Then work your way up. If they don’t complete their homework, then they fail the assignment. The key is to choose natural consequences that your child finds uncomfortable. Some kids don’t care if they’re wet or receive a bad grade on an assignment. You know them best, so pick your battles.
6. Setting Unrealistic Expectations
You could set a piece of cake on the coffee table, tell your two-year-old not to eat it, and walk away, but if you’ve been parenting for more than five minutes, you wouldn’t expect it to be there when you return. Toddlers lack the impulse control to follow through with that type of expectation. Tweens, on the other hand, are mature enough to leave the cake alone. Every age has its breaking point. If we expect too much of our adults-in-training, it will harm our relationship with our kids and teach them that they can’t do anything right.
According to Esmaeilpour, the best way to set realistic expectations is to know what children are capable of at every age and stage. Many science-backed articles, videos, and webinars cover everything from age-appropriate chores to when you can expect better impulse control. Pick your preferred medium and set aside time to learn.
7. Using Negative Labels
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We need to correct kids when they do something wrong. But as Esmaeilpour points out, “calling a child ‘naughty’ or ‘bad’ can negatively impact their self-esteem and self-worth.” It can also backfire. You might be trying to shame your kid into doing the right thing, but they may embrace the label instead. Raise your hand if you’ve seen a preschooler shout, with great gusto, “I’m naughty!”
Distinguish between the action and the child. “That was a bad choice” focuses on the problem. “You’re bad” is calling the child a lost cause. Pick a phrase now–before you’re irritated–so you know what you will say when your kid does something wrong.
8. Invalidating Emotions
We’ve all been there. All you want to do is run into the grocery store for that one thing, and your mini starts screaming because you won’t buy the giant squishmallow. You know you should react patiently, but instead, you snap, “You’re not hurt, knock it off!” But as Cheryl Groskopf, an LMFT and LPCC at evolutiontohealing.com says, “Invalidating a child’s emotions as a way of discipline makes them perceive that their reality does not match the world around them. It makes the child think that their emotions are ‘wrong.’”
But knowing better and doing better are two different things when you’re out in public. As Groskopf points out, the first step to breaking the cycle is to “acknowledge your emotions. Perhaps you’re not mad at your child for throwing a tantrum, but you’re feeling embarrassment or shame.” Then, treat yourself and your child with understanding. “Remember that your emotions are valid and real, and so are the child’s.”
It’s much easier to react with empathy when you understand someone’s point of view. You wouldn’t tell a friend who lost a loved one to snap out of it. Losing out on that Squishmallow isn’t nearly as bad, but it may be the worst thing to ever happen to your two-year-old.
9. Yelling or Losing Your Temper
Yelling can be scary for children and doesn’t teach them how to deal with conflicts constructively. They’re also less likely to tell you things that might upset you if you’re quick to lose your temper.
The first step in combatting a yelling habit is to notice when you’re getting upset. Then, pick a technique to short-circuit your usual response. Esmaeilpour advises, “If you feel yourself getting angry, take a deep breath, count to ten, or step away for a moment to regroup.”
Managing anger is hard. This goes double for folks who grew up in a house with parents who yelled. If you need support parenting around your temper, don’t go it alone. Join a parent support group or speak to a therapist.
10. Not Modeling the Behavior You Expect
There’s nothing quite as humbling as hearing your words come out of your toddler’s mouth. “Children often mimic adult behavior. If parents don’t model the behavior they expect from their children, it can send mixed messages,” says Esmaeilpour. We joke about toddlers picking up our less glorious phrases, but tweens also mimic. They’re just more subtle about it. If you’re sarcastic when you get frustrated, they probably are, too.
Sometimes, it’s hard to notice when we miss this particular mark. Start by observing your child, and make a note of behaviors that you don’t like. Ask a trusted friend or relative if you do the same thing (you may learn some uncomfortable things about yourself), and make a plan to model the behavior you want to see.
Esmaeilpour suggests a series of techniques that can help, no matter the issue you’re trying to solve.
Educate Yourself
Read books, attend workshops, or join parenting groups where you can gain knowledge and receive support.
Reflect and Apologize
When you make a discipline mistake, apologize to your child. Sometimes, parents think apologizing undermines their authority. The fact is, your kid knows when you’re wrong. Admitting your mistake builds credibility and models the behavior you want to see.
Seek Feedback
The best athletes in the world hire coaches to watch what they’re doing and advise them on getting better. Ask your partner, close friends, or even your children for feedback. They can provide valuable insights.
Consider Counseling or Therapy
A professional can offer personalized strategies and insights to address specific challenges.
Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They need parents who try their best and look for ways to improve. Through your hard work and determination, you will be the parent you want to be and raise great kids to boot.
Discover new favorites with these Black-owned online businesses that sell must-have items for pregnant women, new moms, babies, and toddlers. From pregnancy necessities and breastfeeding support to baby clothes, books, and toys, these companies were built with quality and representation in mind. If you’re heading to a baby shower soon, this list has lots of great options for both mom and baby.
Lucy Lue Organics
Made with premium organic cotton, these stylish, solid-colored baby essentials are made to last from season to season, and to be handed down. Check out the timeless bodysuits, bloomers, rompers, pants, tops, hats and more.
Sun & Lace
Each of these adorable moccs, boots, oxfords, mary janes, and bella janes (their signature style) are handcrafted by owner Briana in her Wisconsin studio. These are heirloom-quality shoes in neutral colors with sweet and stylish details.
Kammy Kids
This is the place to find graphic bodysuits and t-shirts with sayings you’ll love: “little love,” “best friend,” “new to the crew,” “big bro” and our favorite, “milk’n it.” These will take your Insta photos to a whole new level.
Junobie
These breast milk bags just changed the pumping game. They’re made from 100% food-grade silicone, they’re reusable, and they’re safe for the dishwasher, microwave, freezer or oven. With milk bags, boxes, jars and cups, they have everything you need to store your liquid gold.
What Little Wonder
Dress up your nursery with these modern and bohemian knit blankets, perfect for tummy time, cuddles, naps, and reading. Also great for staying warm during stroller walks.
Yinibini Baby
We especially love the cute designs that are hand-screen-printed on organic cotton onesies. In addition to baby clothes, Soyini George’s shop also sells bibs, books, toys, teethers and more.
Happy Mango
Get baby gear, nursery necessities, toys, clothes, and everything you need for bathing and feeding. The Black-owned business sells top brands and offers a baby registry you can fill with items on your wishlist.
Tippy Tot Shoes
A great spot to buy luxury shoes for your favorite babies, from crib shoes to walking shoes. Search the stylish selection of classic, vintage, and retro styles for timeless kicks you’ll love.
Coco’Pie Clothing
Celebrate black girl beauty with these cute clothes, pillows, and accessories for babies and young girls. The website also sells natural hair care to keep those gorgeous locks healthy and nourished.
KaAn’s Designs
The Greens family owns this parenting lifestyle brand of tees and accessories for kids and the whole family. Check it out for cool sayings, holiday collections, and matching outfits for siblings, mommy & me, daddy & me, and more.
Kido
Shop by age for clothing, books, toys, activities and more at this family-owned shop based in Chicago. Run by married creatives Doug and Keewa, he designs prints for shirts while she drives the vision and curates the shop.
Miles and Milan
Minimalist yet fashion-thoughtful is the aesthetic of Shennel Fuller’s shop of clothing basics and fashion pieces. The casual joggers, hoodies, tees, and sweatshirts come in solids and simple designs. One cute bodysuit made Oprah’s Favorite Things list.
The Rooted Baby Co.
“Rooted in love. Rooted in culture” is the mantra behind this online shop celebrating the founders’ Ghanaian background. The baby items are designed with authentic African print fabric or are inspired by the Ghanaian people. Find bows, swaddles, gift boxes and more.
Ade + Ayo
Enjoy the beauty of African design with these baby and toddler clothes, accessories and toys. Founder Temidayo Adedokun designs and curates the collection of beautiful and practical items.
Minibrook
We love these stylish clothing essentials for kids. The mix-and-match solids and stripes are the epitome of casual cool and built for playtime.
Brave + Kind Bookshop
Shop for inclusive board books, picture books, chapter books and cool toys and accessories. The book bundles takes the guesswork out of shopping for gifts.
Tinkypoo
The colorful designs on these diapers feature super cute babies who are Black, Brown, Asian American and Pacific Islanders. In addition to being adorable, they’re absorbent and made with plant-based ingredients. Available in newborn to size 4.
Stina & Mae
Founded by new mom Mishell Ekunsirinde when she couldn’t find a changing mat she liked, Stina & Mae sells organic, high-quality products for modern mamas and babies, including mats, snuggle blankets, nursing pads, bibs, burp cloths and cotton wipes. Buy items individually or choose a beautiful gift box curated with eco-friendly baby essentials.
Cozy n Cute Kids Boutique
The kids’ clothes at the Cozy N Cute Kids Boutique are cute, comfortable, and always on trend. You’ll find cool sayings, sweet ruffles and fun prints you and your child will love. This online kids clothing store was founded by Priscilla Wesson, a Black mom with two daughters from Long Island, NY. She launched her online shop in June 2020 and focuses on practical everyday styles for young kids, with affordable prices, great deals and top-notch customer service.
Milky Mama
Milky Mama was created by Krystal Nicole Duhaney, a registered nurse, board-certified lactation consultant and breastfeeding mother of two. She began her business making lactation cookies and has branched out into brownies, iced tea, lemonade, smoothie mix and herbal supplements, all to help women maintain their milk supply. The website also offers breastfeeding support from a team of lactation consultants, doula services and a Moms at Work Program to assist corporations in supporting breastfeeding employees in the workplace.
Pretty Please Teethers
When mom Kelli had trouble finding safe, stylish, natural handmade items for her babies, she decided to make and sell her own. Her teethers, pacifiers, pacifier clips, rattles, bibs and snack cups are functional and beautiful with minimalist flair, in soft and stylish colors. All of the products are handmade and designed in Utah and made from food-grade silicone and natural beechwood.
Mila Christina The beautiful and durable cashmere (yes, cashmere!) baby bodysuits from Mila Christina help regulate body temperature and are soft on baby’s sensitive skin. These gorgeous turtleneck bodysuits come in soft, classic colors and have buttons at the bottom and up the turtleneck for easy on and off. Founder and creative director Ollia Njibaloh created the bodysuits to keep her own daughter warm and comfortable.
Healthy Roots Dolls
Show your love for curly girls with a Zoe doll from Healthy Roots Dolls. The company’s first doll, Zoe is 18 inches tall with a soft cloth body torso and vinyl limbs. Best of all, her gorgeous dark, curly hair is washable and styleable! Leave her hair down or put it in braids, puffs and other beautiful styles. Founder Yelitsa Jean-Charles was inspired to create more diverse toys while studying illustration at the Rhode Island School of Design. With a grant from Brown University and support from Kickstarter backers and other groups, she made her dream come true, and now creates dolls like Zoe that make lots of little girls’ dreams come true.
The Stork Bag
We love this pregnancy gift created by Ericka N. Perry for bringing a smile to mamas: Pregnant women receive a cute, reusable bag full of useful products handpicked by moms, geared toward the trimester, postpartum, or to moms expecting a rainbow baby after a pregnancy loss. The company also sells pregnancy journals, baby products, body products, and more.
King + Lola Kids
Jasmine Walker started her kids fashion business while pregnant with her second child and completing her MBA degree. King + Lola sells children’s clothing and accessories, including eco-friendly and upcycled items. The products are all made in the USA with fabrics from around the world. The company gives back to charities and nonprofit organizations.
Little Muffincakes Baby Boutique
From blankets and bibs to burp cloths and bodysuits, the products from Little Muffincakes Baby Boutique are adorned with sweet images of Black kids at play. Through relatable imagery and high-quality products, they aim to promote self-acceptance and self-esteem.
HarperIman
The mother-daughter duo behind HarperIman dolls are committed to designing dolls of color that reinforce to children of color how important, smart, talented, creative and beautiful they are. Choose from keepsake dolls, baby dolls, tea party dolls, more to love dolls, or order a custom doll, when available.
We want our kids to be liked, so when they’re not picked for a team or their BFF suddenly switches to another friend group, it’s almost (but not) harder for us than for our littles. After all, we want to help them build self-confidence and self-esteem, and when our kids feel left out, we’re stuck trying to figure out what to do.
That’s right, Mom and Dad. Our kids have got this—at least, most of the time. Read on to learn how to build self-confidence and self-esteem in kids when they feel left out and when you should (and shouldn’t) get involved.
First of all: Don’t tell your kids, “It’s not a big deal.”
Even at the most “inclusive” schools, your child’s school day holds a veritable minefield of opportunities to be excluded. A friend is sitting at a different lunch table? That’s a blow! A BFF chooses to play kickball instead of the usual recess chat session? Ouch! These moments might seem trivial to you, but these everyday moments are loaded with meaning for kids.
“Lunch is always a hard time because sometimes lunch tables change without warning. If your child is used to sitting with a certain group of kids one day and then someone suddenly switches to another table, it can feel really hurtful,” says Hurley. So resist the urge to tell your kid not to worry, and just empathize.
Empathize—and resist the urge to fix it.
If hearing that another child ignored your kid on the playground makes you want to go full Mama Bear, hold up. Letting your kids deal with their dramas may not be so bad. Hurley, who also wrote The Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World, explains, “You don’t become resilient if you don’t go through hard things. Building distress tolerance is important.” Some things you can say:
It’s hard to feel left out.
I get it.
It looks like that really hurts.
I would feel lonely, too.
That sounds really hard.
Don’t try to rationalize (at least, not yet).
If your kid just found out they weren’t invited to a sleepover, now’s not the time to tell them how most parents can’t handle a soccer team-sized gaggle of kids on their living room floor. Let your child feel all the feelings and save the rationalizing for later.
“The child is feeling hurt and rejected, so your rationalizing and making it better is not addressing their hurt. Respecting where they are with feeling hurt is a top priority,” explains Jennifer Miller, founder of Confident Parents Confident Kids, a website based on Miller’s book of the same name.
Once your child has expressed their feelings and seems out of the red zone, that’s when you can try to give them an explanation.
Then, shift into problem-solving.
Once your child has felt all the big feelings and seems calm, try to shift the conversation to the future. If the problem is not having someone to play with at recess, for instance, talk about some easy ways they can learn to approach a group (this LifeHacker article has some good tips) or what other options there may be during that time frame (some schools allow kids to go to the library).
Talk about “Friendship Seasons.”
If your child’s best friend seems to be suddenly pulling away, remind your child that it doesn’t mean it’s forever. Parents should tell their kids that friendships may come and go like “seasons.”
“Sometimes friendships feel like summer all the time—you’re playing every day and everything is great—and then all of a sudden it’s winter,” Hurley said. “You can say something like, ‘It sounds like it’s time for a pause on this friendship.’”
Make a friendship map.
Hurley suggests that parents have kids draw a map of all the places they go–including sports teams, religious school, and extracurricular classes—and name all the kids who are their friends in those places. This helps them realize that while they may have their core besties at school, they’ve got buddies in other places, too.
Don’t make the other person the bad guy.
While it may offer consolation to say things like, “He’s just jealous” or to dismiss the offender as being “mean” or a “bully,” putting down the person who is doing the excluding only teaches your kid how to exclude, too! It also zaps any opportunity for your child to come up with solutions to the problem.
If the issue is one person dictating the games at recess, for instance, calling that friend “bossy” doesn’t make it better; but teaching your child how to develop—and enact—a turn-taking system does.
Don’t compliment our kids to make them feel better.
We’re parents; it’s natural to look for a way to build kids’ self-confidence and self-esteem when they’re down. But while our first reaction may be to praise them (“But you were the best one there!” “You’ll get it next time!” “I still love you!”), this may not always work when our kids are feeling left out.
“When we say something back to them to make them feel better . . . it actually lowers their self-confidence,” clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy said in this viral TikTok video. “Confidence isn’t feeling good about yourself; confidence is self-trust.” Instead, she said parents should say things like:
“I’m so glad you’re sharing that with me.”
“Tell me more.”
“Keep going.”
Kennedy said, “When we show our kids that we’re not scared of their experiences, they learn not to be scared of those same experiences.”
Know when it’s FOMO.
Nobody can go to every event, party, and sports game happening on any given Saturday—despite how some kids may feel. So if your kid breaks down when they find out something is happening without them, try to remind them of all the activities and events they are doing.
Talk about inclusion.
Now that your child knows what it feels like to be left out, you’ve got the perfect opportunity to talk to them about how it may feel for others. Don’t do this when your child is upset; instead, keep it in your back pocket to bring up later. “Kids should know that sometimes they will be excluded and sometimes they will be the excluder. That can begin to open up conversations about being inclusive,” says Hurley.
Realize that there’s a silver lining.
Sometimes, being left out can be a powerful motivator. Not making the soccer team may push an aspiring soccer player to practice more; conversely, not getting a part in the school play may make a child realize they don’t like acting that much anyway.
Even more importantly, feeling left out is a perfect opportunity to build empathy. “It really hurts to be left out, to feel rejected, but it allows kids to begin to empathize and have compassion for others who are marginalized and to learn how to be an inclusive child which is not automatic,” states Miller.
Know when something more is going on.
If your child is perpetually feeling left out, you might want to do a little digging to figure out what might be going on. “A lot of times the kids who are always left out are the ones who keep to themselves or who hang back and wait to be asked,” Miller says. Those kids may need a little more coaching to step into things on their own. If you know they want to be in the talent show, for instance, help them find a group long before the week of the show.
Of course, if the issue is bullying or a child feeling excluded from all social events, you may want to talk to a teacher or the school psychologist or find a therapist to help your child. “Deliberately being left out because kids are being unkind, that’s never a good experience. That’s a different conversation,” Hurley says.
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These funny jokes will have them belly-laughing for days
Need a good joke when you’re in a pinch? We’ve got you covered with a joke of the day for almost a whole year, and most of them are original! These hilarious jokes for kids require little to no explanation from parents, but you’ll want to get in on the fun, anyway. From cheesy jokes to knock-knock jokes and beyond, many of these have been sent to us by kids themselves. We’ve also got squeaky-clean jokes, spring jokes, and printable lunchbox jokes. And for those looking to take the fun to the next level, we’ve got the best minute to win it games, too.
Why should you share jokes with your kids?
Because it allows kids to learn to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously. It’s an easy way to have quality time that doesn’t include a screen. So go ahead, scroll through our favorite jokes for kids, and spend 15 minutes having a good chuckle with your kiddos.
1. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilante!
80. What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi, bud!
81. There are two robots sitting on a wall. They are named Pete and Re-Pete. Pete falls off. Who is left? (Re-Pete...so you repeat the whole thing again and again and again.)
—Henrik P., 10
82. What is a pony’s favorite juice? She really likes lemon-neigh’d.
—5-year-old Kerrigan
83. Where do fish keep their money? In the River-Bank!
—Jaxon G., 7 y.o.
84. What do you call an alligator with a vest? An investigator!
—Milo H-R, age 8
85. Why was the computer cold? It left its window open!
312. What do you call a Buffalo that likes beef?
A Beef-alo
313. What does a camel say to a hunter?
Do you need some camel-flage
314. Why does the dinosaur like the bathroom?
Because it’s ex-stink-t
315. Why does the dentist use a computer?
Because it has Bluetooth.
—Jokes 312-315 by Gunner, age 8
316. What’s grey?
A melted penguin.
317. What goes black, white, black, white, black white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
318. Can a match box?
No, but a tin can!
319. Why was the baby in Egypt?
It was looking for its mummy.
320. Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck on the chicken’s foot.
321. What does a cow eat for breakfast?
Mooo-esli.
322. Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.
Then go and see a vet!
323. What do girl snakes write at the bottom of their letters?
With love and hisses.
324. Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide.
—Jokes 316-324 by Elijah, age 11
325. Knock, knock Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Let us in, it’s cold out here!
326. What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car?
To the other side of the river.
327. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cake?
Crumbs.
328. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Then sit on the couch and we’ll talk about it, But I’m not allowed on the furniture!
329. Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
That’s baa-aaa-aad.
330. What do you call a bee that buzzes quietly?
A mumble bee.
—Jokes 325-330 by Malachi, age 7 and a half
331. Where do you find a polar bear?
The same place you left her.
—Thomas, age 7
332. What is fast, loud, and crunchy? A rocket chip!
333. How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern…
334. What has ears but cannot hear? A field of corn…
335. Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Make sure to capture all the giggles—and share them with your family and friends near and far—with the Tinybeans app. The secure platform puts parents in total control of who sees and interacts with photos and videos of their kids.
As parents, we’re always trying our best to support and encourage our children and build up their self-confidence so they can thrive in the real world. But there are times when the words and phrases we choose end up doing more harm than good. Sometimes it’s out of a lack of understanding; other times, it’s because we simply lost our cool—who among us hasn’t snapped a bit after the 500th interruption?
To break those toxic cycles and help our kiddos grow into their best selves, though, we need to be more mindful of the things we say. Even if you have toddlers who are on the younger side, you can stay ahead of the game by being prepared not to start any of these bad habits. So have a look at this list of phrases that might secretly undermine our child’s self-confidence and learn some new alternatives that can get your point across without causing any real damage.
1. “Why can’t you do anything right?” (or “You can’t even do this simple thing!”)
Most of us have had a moment of weakness where we snapped at our kid for being unable (or unwilling) to complete the simplest task. You might be frustrated at their constant need for your help, but despite your feelings, this is one type of phrase you just don’t want to use.
“This kind of statement is an absolute negative, making the child believe that they’re inherently incapable,” says Alex Anderson-Kahl, a nationally certified school psychologist. “Over time, they may internalize this belief, thinking they’re incompetent in all areas.”
Dr. Thai Alonso, a bilingual licensed clinical psychologist, agrees that this sort of phrase corrodes a child’s self-worth.
“(Additionally) the impact it has on the parent-child relationship… oftentimes becomes the archetype for future relationships. Think about it this way, ‘How would I feel if my child’s friends or future partner spoke to them this way?’ Instead of shaming, try being curious about what got in the way. For instance, ‘We agreed that you would [insert task] and it did not get done. What happened?’” she says.
2. “You’re not as good as [another child].” or “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother/another child?”
There’s never a good reason to compare a child to their siblings, cousins, or other peers.
“Comparing a child negatively to others can make them feel inadequate and less valued. They might begin to believe they can never measure up or that their own achievements are worthless,” Anderson-Kahl says.
According to Dr. Alonso, “Comparisons to siblings are especially insidious and often breed resentment. As parents, it is in our children’s best interest to support their sibling relationships (one of the few lifelong relationships most people have) instead of using them as leverage and to instill shame.” Dr. Alonso recommends using phrasing like, “I am feeling frustrated and want to help us figure this out. What is going on?”
“Leave the comparison out of it. We already do enough of that on our own,” she adds.
3. “You’ll never be able to do that.”
Why would a parent want to put a boundary on what their child can achieve? This is especially true for toddlers and little kids who are inherently driven to seek independence and practice new skills.
“Telling a child what they can’t do sets a limitation on their potential. They might become fearful of trying new things, believing they’re destined to fail,” Anderson-Kahl says.
Instead of adding fear, anxiety, and insecurity, you can try asking a child why they would like to do the activity or action in mind, and even help them brainstorm ways to reach their goal. Even if it’s something that feels out of our own reach, there’s no reason to put a damper on their dreams.
4. “You never do as I say.” or “You don’t listen to me.”
All children are defiant at some point, and a lot of this is perfectly typical and even good for their development. But using absolutes like “never” is rarely useful.
“When a child is constantly told, ‘You never do as I say,’ they may internalize this belief and think they are incapable of following instructions,” says Matt Scubert, a mental health counselor that works with children and parents.
“In contrast, a more constructive parental response would be, ‘You are usually such an amazing listener. Why are you struggling to listen this time?’ By phrasing it this way, the child is reminded of their usual positive behavior as an active listener, which fosters a positive self-perception,” he says.
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5. “You make me feel [insert negative experience].”
It’s not always intentional, but many a stressed parent has likely inadvertently blamed their child for their feelings.
“This can range all the way from something like, ‘You made me so mad!’ to something cruel such as, ‘You make me wonder why I even had another child.’ These messages come from a place of parental desperation and communicate to children that they are the parent’s source of grief, are responsible for the way their parents feel, are disliked, and maybe even abhorred,” Dr. Alonso says.
She recommends that parents remember children ultimately just want to feel loved and respected and should take a beat to calm down before letting a phrase like this slip out.
“A parent can be honest and communicate their frustration or worry in a healthy way. One way of doing this would be: ‘I was really mad before because I was so worried about what it would be like for you if you failed this test. I love you and want good things for you. Let’s talk about what got in the way of you studying and how I can support you,’” she says.
6. “It’s no big deal.” or “It’s not scary.”
Building a child’s self-confidence includes acknowledging and respecting their feelings, even if they don’t align with ours.
“For instance, saying something like ‘This isn’t scary’ to a child that is anxious about something reinforces that their feeling isn’t valid,” says Jill DiPietro, owner and therapist at Foundations Therapy in NYC. “The same is true for minimizing behaviors. For instance, ‘Stop crying. This isn’t a big deal.’ These types of statements minimize a child’s natural feelings and reactions,” she says.
DiPietro says these types of comments can lead to friction in the parent-child relationship, resulting in kids feeling unsafe to express their genuine emotions.
“Instead, practice pairing empathy with encouragement. This may sound like this: ‘I know you feel scared right now and know that mom is here to support you,’ or ‘This can feel scary. It’s okay to cry. I know we can be brave and do this together,’” DiPietro says.
7. “I don’t know why I bother with you.”
It isn’t hard to imagine a parent asking a child to help them with something only to find the child is unable to complete the task, and then becoming increasingly impatient or annoyed with said child. But that doesn’t give license to utter a phrase like this.
“This (phrase) indicates a lack of worth or value in the child’s presence or efforts. Feeling unappreciated or unwanted can lead to feelings of rejection and a belief that they’re unlovable. Words carry weight, especially coming from influential figures in a child’s life. Positive reinforcement, patience, and understanding are crucial for nurturing their self-esteem and confidence,” Anderson-Kahl says.
8. “You’re just not trying hard enough.”
Not all that dissimilar from the last phrase, this one puts a lot of pressure and shame on the child that’s hearing it. While some kids might not always put forth all the effort (because maybe they want to return to playing a game or having free time), this is the wrong way to go about encouraging them.
According to Dr. LeMeita Smith, a psychologist and a psychological advisor at Tarotoo, “When we tell a child that they’re not trying hard enough, we think we’re motivating them, but what they might hear is that their best isn’t good enough. We’re indirectly asking them to measure up to some impossible standard. This can chip away at their confidence, making them doubt their abilities and lose faith in their effort.”
9. “I do everything for you, and this is how you treat me?”
While many parents sacrifice a lot to give their child as much as possible, there’s never a reason to put this on the child’s shoulders, especially when they are still growing.
“This (phrase) can make children feel like they owe something for being cared for. It can create guilt and the notion that love and care are transactional,” says Bayu Prihandito, a certified psychology expert. “Words have a lasting impact, especially on young minds. These phrases can instill negative perceptions in kids… and over time, these beliefs can shape their personalities and behaviors in adverse ways.”
Rather than try and guilt children into being thankful, it’s better to try and instill a regular gratitude practice in their daily lives.
