ML Interest Tag: self-sufficient

13 Things Successful Working Moms Give Up That You Should, Too

By Alice's Table

You don’t have to do it all. Not only is that okay, but it’s healthy

You’ve got a fridge papered with to-do lists and an epic bookmark backlog of work-life balance articles. But, let’s be real: Something’s gotta give. And first on the chopping block should be that tired old trope that you, working mom, can have it all. Ya can’t. But there’s no shame in accepting this. Because you can easily kill it at this mom life/work life thing by ditching unnecessary stressors. Think of it as Marie Kondo-ing your life. Here are 13 ideas about what working moms give up to help them stay sane.

1) Scratch-made meals. every. single. night. 

While family dinner is great for kids, and we’re all gaga over the idealized concept of the home-cooked meal, we’re all about the cheats. Consider a healthy meal-delivery service, buy a bag of pre-made pasta and stir in some veggies, or get your takeout on.

2) Chasing a perfect 50/50 family/work split. 

Some weeks your family will need more attention. And others, you’ve got to play it like Sandberg and lean in at work. The trick (basic but effective) is communication—tell your partner if they need to step up and be honest with your boss about your sick kiddo at home.

3) Work happy hours. 

Sure, you can go big at important events like holiday parties. But watching Ben from IT perfect his “Friends in Low Places” game at karaoke every Friday night isn’t going to make a difference come annual review time. Kick it at home with a glass of wine or some family-friendly mocktails instead.

4) Being a DIY goddess. 

Bakesale? Store-bought cookies. Party favors? Etsy. Done and done. And even Halloween costumes can be hacked: hot glue, not sewing; hitting the thrift store, not the craft store. (But if DIY is your thing? By all means, keep it up, Martha!) 

5) That social-media addiction.

mom on her phone
iStock

Life’s little moments don’t all need Facebook documentation, and studies show that scrolling through endless feeds of life presented as perfect (when it never is) leads to a major self-doubt spiral. Designate a time to catch up—say 9-9:30 p.m. And if you still find yourself scrolling during the day, try switching your phone’s color settings to grayscale, which makes it a lot less appealing, or take your social apps off of your home screens so they’re more tedious to find.

6) Making it to every practice and every rehearsal.

Be there for your kids when it matters—at the big game or on opening night. But it’s perfectly fine to tag-team chauffeur duty with a mom-friend. And if your pal is a SAHM who picks up your slack during the week, let her kids hang out at your place some weekends to give her a break.

7) Saying “yes” to every friend invite.

Real talk: Friend time is one of the first things to go when you have littles. And while losing your social life completely is a no-no—consider re-evaluating your friendships. Prioritize those who infuse you with energy and joy. And cut out anyone who leaves you drained.

8) Doing everything for your kids.

Little guys can be more self-sufficient than we give them credit for! Assign them basic tasks like folding towels or watering plants. And, as they get older, graduate them to making their own simple lunches, dusting, and dishwasher duty.

9) Giving up your house to your children (and their stuff).

Toy creep—it’s a problem. When kid stuff is strewn all over the place, it means more picking up for you and dad. Limit their toys to a single room. Or, at least, designate toy-free zones like your bedroom and the primary bath.

10) Overcommitting.

Three birthday parties in one weekend? Just no. Keeping up with the scheduling of parties and playdates is hard enough, let alone the driving, hosting, baking, and present-buying (not to mention the, ahem, cost). Declining some invites = less stress and more family time.

11) Getting up with your kids every night.

When they holler “Mommmm,” it’s A-OK if dad comes to the rescue. And while an every-other-night deal with the hubs might be unrealistic, prioritize who does the calming based on what you each have on tap the next day.

12) That idea of the “perfect” work persona.

While setting boundaries might seem scary, you’ll find that your coworkers will come to respect them—whether it’s no meetings after five or no emails on weekends. Consistency is key. And if you’re hourly, let it be known (politely) that your hours are firm, and no, you can’t cover for your slacker co-worker who’s MIA again. Standing your ground—while otherwise crushing it at your job—is one way to reshape the workplace for working moms.

13) Stalling on switching jobs.

Despite giving it your best shot, sometimes your company just isn’t (and will never be) parent-friendly. In this case, it’s time to bust out the ole resume and start your job hunt. And don’t feel bad about it! Put out feelers with working-mom friends because they’ll have your back. And for part-time work, do a little research. There are great companies out there (like us at Alice’s Table!) that let you make your own schedules, or that offer benefits packages even to part-time workers (Starbucks, Whole Foods, Home Depot).

And as for what you should never give up—ever? “Me” time (even if you’ve got to schedule it in), “us” time (even if it’s just Netflix and chill), and time to breathe. You’ve got this!

Alice's Table is a new woman-founded company that throws flower-arranging workshops and teaches women how to host classes themselves so they can launch a creative career or side gig that's fun, flexible, and rewarding.

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A ‘Mindful Minute’ with Your Kids at Night Can Change Your Whole Day

by Emily Farmer

“Will you do a mindful minute with me tonight?”

The question from my 10-year-old came out of the blue. I was sitting at my laptop, trying as usual to cram in just a few more minutes of work before packing it in for the night. Now that she was a mature, self-sufficient fifth-grader, I had grown accustomed to bedtime being much less hands-on than it had been in her younger years.

As an only child in a two-parent household, she’s had our full attention for much of her life—even if it is sometimes competing with work and household responsibilities. But for a while now, I had been savoring the joy of being able to say, “Go upstairs and get ready for bed” and having her just… do it. It’s so different from when she was younger, and we were all locked into a lengthy, multi-step routine that took up much of the evening.

So here she was, asking me to join her in the playroom for a “mindful minute”—something we hadn’t done for a few years. It had started during the height of the pandemic, when, like many of us, my extroverted little girl became isolated and anxious. Her worries seemed to grow to fill up the empty space in our lives that had once been occupied by play dates, martial arts lessons, trips to the library, and, of course, school. And at bedtime, those worries often became so large that there wasn’t space left for anything else.

I’m a worrier, too, so I tried all the tools in my toolbox, including bringing her to a therapist, who met with us a few times to help us all better understand what was going on. But it was my daughter who, after our last therapy appointment, said, “I think we should do a mindful minute so I can get calmed down before bed.” So we did.

Related: 20+ Calming Phrases That’ll Help an Anxious Child

I’m not saying the mindful minute fixed everything, but it did help for a while. We listened with our ears and paid attention to what our bodies were feeling, and we talked about it. We did this for a while, and then—I can’t remember when or why—we stopped. It was probably around the time we started going back to libraries, play dates, and, finally, school. I thought, “Maybe she doesn’t need it anymore.”

But now it was back, quite unexpectedly, and I’ll admit, my first reaction was one of frustration. Didn’t she know I had a lot of stuff to get done tonight? But I know well enough that we are approaching the age when my kid may not ask me to do so many things with her anymore, so I said, “Sure,” and climbed the stairs with her to spend 60 seconds in the dark, being mindful together.

“Get on the bean bag,” my daughter said excitedly, before turning out the lights. I lay down on the enormous bag and felt her small body cuddle in next to mine. Moments later, our mini Aussie was bounding up the stairs to join us. My daughter and I both squealed with giggles as the dog clambered up across both of our bodies and covered our faces with wet kisses. But then she settled down, and so did we.

Outside the windows, the stars were bright; downstairs, my husband was putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher, with the baseball game on in the background. My sore shoulder muscle unclenched as I lay on the soft bag. The dog’s furry snout was tucked between my neck and my collarbone. My daughter shifted next to me and took my hand. We all breathed in and out as I slowly counted to 60.

The mindful minute is a small part of our day, but it’s become so precious to me. It’s only during this tiny pocket of time that my long, lean 10-year-old cuddles up next to me and reaches for my hand with hers, just like she did when she was still a chubby toddler. It’s in the dark and in the quiet that she says to me, “Can we chat about some things?” and tells me about the things that she did and said during the day that are important to her. We talk about our worries and our feelings, and, at her urging, we each share a “rose,” a “thorn,” and a “petal”—something good, something not so good, and something we’re looking forward to.

It’s in this moment that I can let my daughter see me not just as Mom, but as a whole person: someone who feels disappointed in herself when she does something that makes her friend angry; someone whose feet hurt because she wore sharp shoes; someone whose mind wandered while looking at the stars to think about how far away space really is. There’s no advice or rules or lectures. We’re just two people who are taking a minute to listen—to each other and to ourselves.

Some nights, I still don’t feel like it. I’m usually at my computer, catching up on work or emails or sneaking in a little shopping. But when I hear her call, I always get up from whatever I’m doing. No matter how busy or stressed or zoned out I may be, I’ve got to be able to give my daughter at least one minute of my time. And I never regret doing it.

I know that little window will be the most important 60 seconds of my day.

Emily Farmer is a communications professional and freelance writer who lives with her family in upstate New York.

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Why Alone Time Matters & How to Encourage It for Your Toddler

by Melissa Heckscher

I have a video of my two-year-old daughter sitting quietly in the middle of a tornado. Not a real tornado, of course. Just the whirling, noisy storm of her two older brothers literally running in circles around her. In that moment, she is sitting on the floor rocking a baby doll while her brothers bounce around the room like pinballs. While they’re shrieking and giggling, jumping from couch to floor and back again, she is singing a lullaby nobody can hear—as if she and her doll are in a quiet place somewhere far, far away.

I watch it now and say a silent thank you. Because—while it may have taken me three kids to get there—it was in that moment that I knew I had a child who is happy just playing by herself.

And that matters. Experts say solo play or “independent play” not only helps children build confidence in themselves; it also helps inspire creativity, build focus, nurture problem-solving skills, and inspire trust—both in themselves and in their relationship with their parents.

Then of course there’s the (very important) fact that alone time for the child gives parents a little time to themselves, too. “It does give parents a break,” said Bryana Kappadakunnel, a Los Angeles-based LMFT and founder of Conscious Mommy, which offers coaching and workshops for parents of young children. “If a child knows how to play independently and doesn’t require the parent to engage or entertain them, it makes things like preparing dinner much easier.”

So where do you start? How can you turn your wiggly, codependent toddler into a self-sufficient kid who’s happy to play alone? I asked some experts and am sharing my own experiences to give you some suggestions.

 

a dad and young daughter cooking together
iStock

Start by doing solo time with your child

Sure, we all want to have children who can let us go to the bathroom without knocking incessantly at the door because they need us right now (just saying). But that doesn’t mean we can send our unsuspecting two-year-olds to their rooms and expect the magic to happen.

Start by setting up a space that invites them in: Put some paper and crayons on the kitchen table while you’re cooking dinner; set up a playdough station; put a box of Magna-Tiles on the living room floor. Or, says Amy Carney, author of Parent On Purpose: Raising Thoughtful Children in a Complicated World, set up a “boredom box” with age-appropriate items that spark creative play in your child. For this, Carney recommends small items like art supplies, trinkets, toys from birthday party bags, figurines, slime, or putty.

Related: 22 Genius Amazon Finds That’ll Keep the Kids Busy

“Narrate” your child’s play

Want to make your toddlers feel good about playing by themselves? Sit nearby and “narrate.” This means just acknowledging what your child is doing, i.e. “You are building a really high tower!” or “You’re really being caring to your baby doll.” Doing this builds children’s confidence about what they’re doing.

By the same token, avoid correcting your child or trying to make it a teaching moment—don’t quiz them about colors or ask them to count the blocks in their hands. After all, this is play; not school.

And, replace your instinct to correct with curiosity: for example, if your child is using stacking blocks for all-things-NOT stacking (hey, they make fun hats!), say something like, “Hmm you seem to have found a new way to play with that toy.”

Finally: Don’t ask questions, which Kappadakunnel said can be distracting to the child. Just watch and narrate. Imagine that you’re a nature photographer and just observe the child in her “natural habitat.” (They’re interesting creatures, those kiddos!)

Don’t overload the space

Apparently, your child doesn’t need a lot of toys. A 2017 study from the University of Toledo in Ohio suggested that an environment with fewer toys is better for toddlers and that too many toys actually decrease the “quality of play.” It becomes overwhelming for the child. For each play session, just a handful of toys is enough.

Start by putting out a few toys and telling your child that you’re going to watch them play and that they can show you how the toys work. Let your kid get busy, and just be there to watch (if they ask you to play, tell them it is their time to show you or to play on their own—but that you’re there to see all they can do!). Then, once they are used to playing without you as a playmate, you can try putting the toys down and walking to another room (or another part of the room where you can do something else independently of your child).

iStock

The kind of toy matters

They say “the more a toy does, the less your child does.” So choose simple toys that inspire open-ended play. Some good examples are:

  • Magna-Tiles
  • Blocks
  • Pretend play items (a kitchen, tools, etc.)
  • Baby dolls or a dollhouse
  • Simple instruments
  • Sensory play (playdough, clay, slime, etc.)

And don’t tell your child how to use the toy. Let them explore it for themselves. There is no WRONG way to play with a toy (unless it puts the child is in danger, of course).

Note: Avoid toys with screens or sounds—and don’t use toys that are meant to “teach” (like toys that claim to teach ABCs or colors). Toys that teach have their place, experts say, but when it comes to solo play, open-ended toys are best because they inspire creativity and free thought, and allow the child to lead the way.

“If we can take the pressure off of play to be academic and instead see the learning in play associated with how a child learns to regulate their body, how a child learns to interact with others, how a child learns to occupy themselves—play then becomes this rich, wonderful work that is fascinating,” Kappadakunnel said.

Related: 11 Toys That Foster Independent Play (& Will Gift You a Few Minutes to Yourself)

If your child is resistant to solo play, ask, “Have I been available?”

Does your child fight you when you try to get them to “go play”? Kappadakunnel said maybe your child just needs more of you, first.

Ask yourself: Have you been available to your child lately? If the answer is no, then figure out how you can change that. It doesn’t have to be much: Even 10 to 15 minutes of scheduled “special time” a day does wonders for kids. Just set a timer and sit down on the floor with your child. It may seem like a blip to you, but those 10 minutes can really make a difference—for both of you.

Remember that screens don’t count as “alone time”

While an older child might prefer to spend every moment of her alone time on an iPad or video game console, kids need to make time for more productive time alone. That means, maybe, instead of turning on cartoons first thing in the morning, put down some novel toys and ask your child to make something of them. It may be a hard shift at first, but beginning the day with play is a good way to start!

a toddler dumping a bin of toy balls with help from their pregnant mom who is nurturing a love of alone time
iStock

Now is as good a time as any

Whether you’ve got toddlers as clingy as koala bears or older kids who still consider you Playmate No. 1, it’s never too late to start encouraging a little solo time. For toddlers, having “Alone Time” bursts once or twice a week is a good place to start. You can also lead by example, scheduling time for yourself as often as you can and sharing your feelings about it with your kids.

And don’t forget about YOU. We all know you need some of that precious me-time, too. So make yourself a model: If they see how happy you are doing something for yourself, by yourself (arts & crafts, taking a walk, reading quietly), maybe they’ll start to crave those same sorts of experiences, too. Remember: You can lead the way.

Read books that celebrate being alone

Books are a good way to teach young children—especially when it means they get some quality time with you. Try reading these books to get your kiddos craving solo play:

Leave Me Alone by Vera Brosgol
My Very Own Space, by Pippa Goodhart
Charlotte The Scientist Is Squished, by Camille Andros

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Guy Fieri Bought His Son a Car—but Only After He Drove a Minivan for a Year with No Tickets

by Julie Scagell

Fieri’s son drove his grandma’s minivan for a year to prove he was responsible enough to own a car

Guy Fieri, everyone’s favorite Mayor of Flavortown, is a well-known lover of cars. While you can find him cruising around in his beloved 1968 red Camaro or another vintage car in his collection, his son Ryder was as fashionable on the road for the last year. He was driving his grandma’s minivan.

The father-of-two (his other son, Hunter, is 26) told PEOPLE last year that his newly 16-year-old would be sporting a family hand-me-down. “You know what Ryder drove to school [when] he got his license? He got my parents’ old, used 259,000-mile Chrysler minivan,” he said. “I’m not buying Ryder a car, and I refuse to let him buy a car until he spends one year with no tickets, no accidents, driving the minivan.”

Well, Ryder did it. And now he’s got a new car to show for it. On his 17th birthday, his dad set up a scavenger hunt for Ryder and his friends. At the end of it, they found the keys to Ryder’s older brother’s pickup truck. “Hunter wanted my truck, so Hunter bought my truck and we made Ryder buy Hunter’s truck,” Fieri said.

Fieri, who rose to fame after the success of his Food Network show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives made sure his son knew the reasons behind his decision. “It’s a rite of passage,” he explained. “Show me that you can spend a year driving the car, not getting any dents, not getting any wrecks, not getting any tickets. Prove that you’ve got it all together. Then you can take your own money out of the bank and go buy a car.”

“I want the boys to be self-sufficient,” he continued. And he’s committed to that lesson. When Hunter first got his license, he drove a 1996 truck his grandfather used to own, with “no working windows.” Hunter, who has been working with his father’s businesses since he was younger, said his decision paid off. “He’s a great teacher and a great father and leads by example. He does the right things to train you for the real world. And teaches you discipline and hard work and to not give up, and that not everyone’s going to hold your hand through life.”

“I get so many opportunities to learn from other people and I get to experience some amazing places and experiences. I can’t complain at all. It is amazing,” he added in another interview about working with his famous dad.

Earning their place in the world and learning the value of money is one way to help them become responsible young adults, even if that means driving a minivan around town for a year.

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The Internet Has Strong Feelings Over Airline Passenger Refusing to Swap Seats So a Mom & Teen Could Sit Together

by Christina Marfice

This passenger’s viral TikTok has sparked a fierce debate: when should you give up your assigned seat on a plane so a family can all sit together?

Anyone who’s ever stepped foot in an airport knows the stress of traveling by air—and the entire experience gets significantly more stressful when you’re traveling with your family (not to mention when your family includes small children!). But how much leeway should passengers give to families to help them have a smoother trip? That’s the question at the center of a fierce TikTok debate, sparked by one woman’s viral video.

TikTokker Surya Garg posted a video saying she had met “the absolute worst person” to sit next to on a flight, and then went on to share the story.

@surya_garg

for real like was I wrong #nyc #airplane #airplaneseats

♬ original sound – Surya Garg

“I feel like this has been a big debate on TikTok recently which is like, if you’re sitting in a seat and someone with a family comes up to you and says, ‘hey, will you switch?’ — do you switch or not?” she says in her video.

Garg added that in most cases, especially if the family has small kids, she’s happy to swap. In this case, though, the other passenger had just one person with her: her teenage son. Garg described him as “16 or 17 years old” and over six feet tall.

“This was not her child. He’s her kid, but like, he’s an adult,” she added.

What’s worse is that the woman was asking Garg to give up her window seat for a middle seat—several rows back. That would be a tough sell under any circumstances, but considering the “child” in question looked to be a pretty self-sufficient, older teen, Garg refused. She said the other passenger then spent the rest of the flight cursing at her. Yikes.

Garg’s video blew up, and most of the comments were firmly on her side.

“Honestly, you’re not wrong. I think the kid has to be 12 or younger in order for me to move. Otherwise don’t even ask,” one viewer wrote.

Another added, “Bestie I wouldn’t even give up my window seat for a middle for a mom w a toddler.”

It’s a tricky situation. Many commenters called out the mom for her failure to plan ahead, but depending on the airline and how you booked your tickets, it isn’t always possible to reserve seats together—or it may cost more for families to sit together, depending on the age of the kid(s) in question. Plus, not everyone flies enough to understand the steps they need to take to ensure they get seated together as a family.

At the end of the day, Garg was perfectly within her rights to stay in her assigned seat—no one is ever required to move for another passenger, no matter the situation. But the debate about when (and if) passengers should swap seats to help each other out is sure to rage on.

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5 Thoughtful Ways to Empower Your Kids to Achieve Success

By Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP

We all want our kids to be successful—to be a leap ahead. Not ahead of every other kid, necessarily, but to their full potential.

So, how do we do it? And how do we achieve it (even more importantly) without making them stressed-out and overwhelmed in the process?

First, get a grip on your parenting goals and philosophy.

Is my goal to have my daughters be doctors like me? Why? Because that sounds successful? Not a good enough reason. Is my number one focus for them to be accepted into some highly-acclaimed academic institution? For what purpose? I have to check in with myself about my own motivations.

Instead, I try to make it my goal to raise daughters who 1) are well-adjusted, self-sufficient, confident adults; 2) who love what they do-no matter what that is; and 3) who understand that they have to work hard to achieve their dreams. That is the REAL measure of success.

Allow time for imaginative play to foster a love of learning.

Just because I’m not gunning for Ivy-League admittance for my kids (not that it would be bad if they ended up there, it just isn’t my focus), it doesn’t mean I don’t look for educational opportunities every day. In fact, I do a lot of that. 

But my main goal with the activities is that my kids totally nerd out on whatever it is that THEY think is really cool, even if it’s not in my interest area. I also make sure that they have plenty of free time to play without structure.

For example, my almost-four-year-old is on a Julia Child kick these days. We stumbled upon some old In Julia’s Kitchen With Master Chefs episodes and she was hooked after one show. I noticed that, soon after she started watching, she asked me to pull out ingredients from the cupboard and began making little concoctions with them. 

At first, I asked if she was interested in an Easy Bake Oven, or some other way to actually cook food but she looked at me, appalled, when I suggested it. “Mommy, these are experiments, NOT meals.”

No problem, kiddo.

She then proceeded to narrate her addition of the baking soda to the vinegar (“Ooh, look how it bubbles! It’s making a frothy foam”) and every single other ingredient she added in. She sounded like she was a cooking show host but, apparently, she imagined she was the star of a fancy chemistry presentation.

The counters were a mess. We probably wasted $20 in flour and salt, but she was so content as her little imagination soared. The next time we were at the library, she wanted to know if there were books about other types of mixtures—paints, dirt and water, other types of foods. It was a little magical.

Provide age-appropriate learning opportunities that allow kids to build competence and confidence—but don’t overdo it. 

I care about keeping my priorities straight but I also care about stimulating my daughters’ little neural pathways. In the process of fostering a love of learning, I have to make sure to simplify so we don’t get too overwhelmed.

Why? I’ve seen the effect of over-scheduling kids over and over in my office. The kids are so frantic and so are their parents.

Instead, I recommend focusing on one or two weekly non-school activities per kid per season (3 max!).

Mix it up while they are young, if possible, unless they find something THEY love that they want to stick with. If you can, find one active activity and one more “academic” or community option (think music class, art class). 

For older kids, let THEM choose from a handful of options, versus demanding that they are involved in a specific activity you really care about. If the coach/teacher is a bad fit, that’s one thing but, if at all possible, try to stick with whichever activity you choose through the season, then switch it up if it’s not working out so you can help foster a little perseverance and commitment.

Model resilience and a growth mindset. 

Allow your kids to see you fail and to rebound from your failures. Use family dinner times to talk about the best parts of your day but also about the challenges you faced and the ways you overcame them. 

Have your kids, when they are old enough, share their “Rose and Thorn of the Day” as well. Work on letting them figure things out on their own, waiting to jump in with help until they ask you for it and, even then, assisting mostly by helping them to problem-solve the situation for themselves.

“Well, let’s see, how could you get your book back without yelling if your sister takes it?”

“I could give her another toy and ask if I could trade her.”

“I love that idea! Nice problem-solving.”

In your own work, look for ways you can adjust your attitude to consider yourself a “learner.” When you don’t do as well as you want to do, use it as an opportunity to grow as opposed to looking at each mini failure as a sign of ineptitude.

Approach your kids’ failures in the same way. “I can’t do that” is usually met with a “yet” in my house. “Did you try your best? Ok, then you did a great job!”

Aim for goodness of fit.

When you get involved in activities or make choices on which schools/educational programs are best, look first at how it fits with the personality of your child. Does your child need a warm, supportive environment to thrive, even if it’s not seemingly as rigorous as another option? 

It might just serve you better in the long run. Does your kid need more structure and accountability? An educational program that fits that model may work better. The temperament of your child will often determine their needs and their ability to work well within the system where they go to learn every day,

A leap ahead—that’s my focus for my kids and I bet it is for you, too.  A leap to wherever they want to go. To whatever they want to be. To an understanding that success in life and work is not about fulfilling expectations, it’s about finding the things that ultimately bring them joy and fulfillment.

Whitney Casares, MD, MPH, FAAP
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics. 

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10 Things I Wish 17-Year-Old Me Knew

By Jacqueline Waxman

photo: iStock

Dear 17-year-old girl,

Your life is blossoming. You’re on the edge of adulthood. The future is full of such possibilities. It really is such an exciting time.

Me now? I’ll be 34 soon. (Gulp. I started applying more face creams than I ever knew existed).

But, what I’ve noticed over the past few years is that this is a hard season for my friends and childhood acquaintances. As we’ve aged there is more and more bad life stuff. Deaths, divorces, sick children, heart-breaking infertility—the really deep hard stuff.

My “let me check on you” list has never been longer. Which really made me start thinking about life. And, what is actually important. And, what I wish I knew before.

So, here is my shortlist of things I wish I knew at 17.

1. Go out to eat for breakfast or lunch or dinner with your parent(s) and grandparents. When they ask you to do things that annoy you (AKA spend time with them) do it. Life is fast and unkind. Time goes way too fast and we lose people way too soon.

2. Enjoy your youth. Really enjoy it. Enjoy being able to move without pain. To wake up without needing makeup and an anti-inflammatory. To have minimal real-world worries. You have the rest of your life to worry and adult—enjoy your youth.

3. Find friends. Real friends. At some point in your life (the sooner the better) take the time to find real friends. And, hold on to them tight. You’re going to need each other. More than you will ever know. There will be marriages, divorces, deaths, infertility, miscarriages, terminally ill children, and everyday hard daily life. You are going to need friends for the celebrations and for the grieving. Trust me. You won’t make it without them.

4. Be a good woman. The world needs more of them. Don’t mess with someone else’s man. Trust me—most of the time (in this situation) it’s the man who is the issue. Real men, the kind of man you want, won’t cheat. Not on you and not on the one before you (with you).

5. Get an education or career. Be self-sufficient. Gone are the days whereas a whole woman can count on men to support them and their families. Does it happen? Surely. But, always know you can fall back on yourself.

6. Know that you have more to offer the world than your external looks. The world will judge you by every part of your body every chance it gets. Know inside that you are worth more. Even if you’re beautiful—you are worth more.

7. If you decide to take the educated path know that the more successful you are—the more people will be intimidated by you. It’s something in our DNA. Especially true for men and dating. Men are programmed to be the breadwinners and protectors. Our society is no longer set up for that old world system. But, the judgment still happens. Don’t base your worth on this.

8. Know that you can’t fix or change anyone but you. You can’t. Don’t even try. But, you can fix and change yourself. And, you should—every chance you get.

9. You can’t love away addiction. You can’t love away mental illness. You can’t love away the broken parts of people. You can love people and support them in them wanting to get better, but you alone, cannot love anything away in someone else.

10. When someone shows you who they are. Believe them. The first time. That’s the universe’s way of warning you. Listen to the whispers.

Know that life is beautiful and tragic. If you don’t know rain, if you don’t live in the rain, the sunshine isn’t as bright.

What would you add to the list?

JACQUELINE WAXMAN, M.Ed living in New Jersey with her kids. I’m a social worker by profession and Mom by choice. I chauffeur children to their preferred destinations, feed-bathe-and-clothe my little people when we are not playing outside. Passions include writing, photography and advocacy. 
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New Study Shows Surprising Positive Effects of Quarantine

by Amber Guetebier

We’re not gonna lie: this ain’t easy. Between gaps in childcare, trying to work outside or inside the home and managing some version of school, and concern about the health and safety of our families,  it’s a wonder we aren’t all just eating pizza in bed by noon every day. Pandemic parenting is no joke. Could there actually be a silver (okay maybe just a grey) lining? 

Recently, Amazon Kids & Family teamed up with Engine Insights to ask families about quarantine habits, and the results are surprisingly positive. The study, which took place in late July of 2020 and surveyed nearly 1000 parents with children ages 5-12, 82% of whom spent at least some time sheltering in place during the previous spring and early summer. It found that nearly half of all parents (59%) agreed that they were their child’s primary teacher, and primary source of entertainment. The biggest takeaway? Kids are reading more. 

The findings included some bright spots:

55% of parents said their kids are reading more. 

49% said their kids have started new hobbies and interests. 

46% reported their kids having increased confidence.

55% believe their children have increased their vocabulary as well.

In addition, some parents reported an uptick in good habits and responsibility:35% of parents say their kids are taking on more responsibility at home, 27% said they are more self-sufficient in general and 20% say their kids are better at managing screen time. Overall, 49% of parents said the most positive outcome was spending more time together as a family. 

As for the other half of parents? Well, it might be the pizza in bed by noon.

—Amber Guetebier

featured image: Elly Fairytale via Pexels 

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Our Mom Editors Picked the Top Toys, Gear & Games for Pandemic Parenting 

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When a Mom Takes a Phone Call

By Brittany McCabe

If you are a mom, you can already relate to this story by the title alone. There is something about taking a phone call that instantaneously turns our kids into incapable, whiney, and loud little souls. In the world of texting, most of my phone calls are quick passages of information, booking appointments, or passive chit chats with friends and family.

However, there are times when a phone call is serious business and when you are a work from home parent, you have no choice but to wing it and book calls when you can. Because I have a two-year-old and a five-year-old, I am careful with booking phone calls with potential clients and meetings to time when my children will be the most cooperative. With one child in school full-time and one still at home, I am never at a place where there is complete silence.

My latest encounter with an important work call left me, prisoner, in my room with screaming kids on the other side of the door. First, we live in a small two-bedroom home, and my room doubles as my “private office” when I need to lock the door to ensure a quiet(er) phone call. When I booked this phone call with a potential client, I tried to schedule it during “after school relaxing” (i.e. screen time). Which in theory, should be the closest time to absolute silence a work at home mom will ever have (that or during the three seconds it takes them to scarf down their desert). Either way, this was my best bet.

The phone call had been set up for a few weeks and I was as prepared (or so I thought) as I could have been. Of course, unforeseeable “mom life” madness ensued. The first clue my plan was going to fall apart? When I realized my daughter’s extracurricular class was scheduled for that day, therefore cutting the hour I gave myself to get the kids home and settled from school, down to only 15 minutes. I hesitated about whether I should move the appointment back, but I did not want to come across as flakey or unorganized, so I opted to keep it and hoped for the best.

Attempting to be prepared, I had readied a plate of afternoon snacks and had them waiting for our return home. At pick up, I rushed them to the car, but we were on track and everyone seemed in good spirits! While driving home, I prepped them on the importance of the phone call, what I needed from them, what they would do, and where I would be. We made it home with one minute to spare, just enough time to unlock the door and give the remotes to my oldest—who can very well operate the tv without my help. When the phone rang, I reminded them about my phone call and asked her to turn the tv on as I skipped to the bedroom, greeted my client, and tried to make witty jokes to set a good tone.

The conversation began and within one minute my littlest one was banging on my door and screaming about the tv. Figuring it would all sort itself out once my daughter got a show on, I did not pause the phone call. Well, this continued for several minutes. By this time, I was hoping my potential client could not hear what was happening in the background. There was nothing I could do. If I opened the bedroom door to see what was going on, the screams would have been louder, and it would have taken several minutes to try and negotiate between the two kids; I was trapped in the room and tried to hurry the phone call along.

But it gets worse. On the other side of the door, unbeknownst to me, my son threw down a large house plant, spilling wet soil all over our carpet. My daughter, being five, thinks she needs to inform me right away (trumping the important phone call I asked her to stay quiet for). She then screams “mmmmoooooooooooooooooooooooommm” for about 20-second-long intervals for the remainder of the phone call. By now, I am literally crawling in my skin of embarrassment and trying to wrap up the phone call once and for all. And if I was wondering whether my client could hear the chaos in the background? Yeah, that all ended when she said: “Um, sounds like there is a lot going on, do you need to go?!” Trying for some comedic relief, I laughed and commented on, the life of a mom, and completed the phone call.

When I came out of the room, my kids took one look at my face and knew. Yes, I spent more time than necessary stewing and replaying the phone call back several times in my mind, allowing myself to fall trap to unnecessary stress. It is funny to think about how different this all would have gone down had it been my husband versus me. With my husband, my kids are much more self-sufficient, first-time listeners, and all around-complain less. But when mom enters the equation, it means everything is just more extreme. These are the moments I will look back on and laugh—I already have several times writing this article. Life is hard. Life as a mom is hard. Life as a work from home mom is hard. Even though yesterday I probably gave myself a few new gray hairs and added some wrinkles to my face, the minute I put those kids to bed and look at their sweet slumbering faces it all fades away and spend my evening looking at photos of them from Facebook memories. Let this be a reminder to give ourselves a break when “mom life” happens; because no matter how prepared we think we are for life, it will still happen, in the way we least expect it!

Hello! My name is Brittany and I am the creator of Mama Bear Britt! I am a child development specialist, former preschool director and mama of two littles. I am working hard to create a place for parents to gather, learn and share. Join my tribe! 

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Why Storytime Matters for Everyone, No Matter Their Age

By Rebel Girls

Photo: Lisa Lanoe via Adobe

Reading together is not just about learning to read. Until a child learns to read on their own, many families carve out moments for storytime and reading aloud. These bedtime stories, afternoons in a reading chair (or wherever families gather to read) aren’t just opportunities to build early literacy skills. They’re moments that foster warmth, connection, and a shared understanding of the world and our place in it. With that in mind, storytime remains important for people of all ages.

Why Storytime Matters for Babies

Long before babies can walk, talk, crawl, or even babble, they can see and hear—and learn. The stark shapes and bright colors in board books help develop visual acuity. Likewise, repetition, rhythm, and rhyme teach babies so much about words and language. Even though babies can’t read, they are learning about the nature of books and reading—that, in English at least, we read top to bottom and left to right, that words are related to pictures, that storytime is intimate and cozy, even fun.

Why Storytime Matters for Toddlers

Once children begin to speak, we have more insight into what they are thinking and feeling, what they like and “no like.” Storytime provides ample opportunity for pointing and naming, questions and answers and early intellectual investigations, like Where did that bunny go?

Toddlers are now self-sufficient (and opinionated!) enough to choose books that hook into their budding interests, and they begin to learn the things that build emotional IQ—imagining the feelings and motivations of a character they identify with.

Why Storytime Matters for School-age Children

For children in elementary school, stories become longer, less picture-driven, and more complex. There’s humor, drama, and more complicated social dynamics. Each of these elements helps to build compassion and empathy while entertaining entertain.

As important as storytime can be, this is when it tends to stop. One British study found that most parents stop reading to their children by the age of 8, the age when children typically read independently. Less than 20 percent of 8- to 10-year-olds in the study were read to daily by an adult.

Sabrina Grimes is a third-grade teacher in Pasadena, Calif., and by the time students enter her class, she sees that kind of data play out in real life.

“I wish parents would continue to read with their children, whatever their language,” said Grimes, who still reads aloud with her son, who just entered the sixth grade. “They still need it.”

Why Storytime Matters for Tween and Teens  

For tweens and teens, storytime and reading aloud is rarer and rarer still, particularly once you consider how screens dominate their lives. (Even teens are concerned about how much time they spend on phones or online—nine hours for teens, six for tweens, per one study.)

Meghan Cox Gurdon, the children’s book reviewer for The Wall Street Journal, still reads to her teen and even adult children. Not using books to connect at this age is a missed opportunity. Reading aloud gives adults and teens alike an alternative means of communication, “without the nagging, negativity, and silences that often creep into that dynamic,” she told The Guardian.

“It is a wonderful way of being together without having that pressure or being asked lots of questions,” she said.

The same basic mechanics are at work for this age group. Reading aloud (and being read to) builds vocabulary, grows knowledge, improves listening skills, instills empathy, and, as stories become more mature, can open up ways to discuss difficult topics, like abuse or death.

It’s also, importantly, a balm against the screen. “[Reading together] is an extraordinary distillation of the good things that we want in our lives,” said Gurdon. “We need human connectedness. Many of us want the richness of story and culture and language, something that is deeper than Twitter.”

Why Storytime Matters for Adults

Storytime doesn’t just benefit children, mind you. Gurdon, for one, reads aloud with her husband.  As she wrote in her book, The Enchanted Hour (which also champions reading together), “The deeply human exchange of one person reading to another is, in fact, human, which means that its pleasures and benefits are open to everyone” at any age.

 

Rebel Girls is an award-winning cultural media engine, spanning over 70 countries. Through a combination of thought-provoking stories, creative expression, and business innovation, Rebel Girls is on a mission to balance power and create a more inclusive world. Rebel Girls is home to a diverse and passionate group of rebels.

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