“What exactly is sexting?” one mom asked me the other day, with a hint of embarrassment. I assured her not to worry as the digital lexicon changes as fast as her preteen’s moods and energy levels. I explained that sexting is any sexually explicit content sent via text messaging, face timing, or video chatting – ranging from provocative poses to seminude or even nude pictures.

I know you may be thinking, sexting?…but she’s only ten years old! The truth is, although at this stage, she is merely obsessed with selfies, sexting is the selfie’s BFF and it’s on the rise amongst teens (both boys and girls). In other words, if she is posting, she is more likely to eventually sext. You need to be prepared and to prepare her for what’s ahead.

Why are girls sexting? Girls often feel pressured to sext as a way of pleasing and complying with requests from others (whom they are acquainted both in real life and online). Sexting is a means of feeling sexy and hot. Often, they use sexting and experimenting with sexy video chatting as a way to explore their sexuality safely. Sometimes, they do it as a joke or “just for fun” flirtation. Sometimes, not complying with a sexting request can result in rejection and social isolation – a real catastrophe for a growing girl. As Peggy Orenstein’s reports in her book, Girls & Sex, “Coercion into sexting appears to cause more long-term anxiety, depression, and trauma than coercion into real-life sex.” (p. 22). Unfortunately, sexting can be a gateway to sexual objectification, and even worse, sexual abuse or exploitation.

When I speak with parents about their daughter’s use of social media sites like Instagram, Snapchat, and the newly popular app called Sarahah where one can anonymously post “honest” feedback on others’ posts, I know they are worried. They struggle between wanting to give their daughters the freedom and privacy to cultivate independence and needing to protect them from the often dark and dangerous virtual world.

When I asked older girls why they sext, I received responses such as: “It’s fun, I want to fit in, it helps me feel sexy, and, if I don’t, I’ll be left out”. None of them admitted this but I sensed all of them are feeling the mounting pressure to text (and sext) as a means of feeling a sense of security in belonging and to feel good about their bodies.

Knowing sexting is fast becoming an integral, even expected part of a girl’s journey, how do we give her what she needs to prepare her for what’s ahead, even though she seems too young to be an active sexting participant? Here are some preventative strategies:

She needs open and honest communication; give her your time and presence: having consistent conversation with her may increase her comfort level as she learns to share what’s really on her mind and the true intricacies of her day. Talking time is beneficial to help her better understand who she is and who she is becoming and it’s especially advantageous when you have more heavy conversations such as the dangers and damage of sexting. Think about it – when you speak with her daily about the ups and downs of her life and approach these talks with open curiosity and empathetic understanding, you are creating a normalcy as in “this is how we do it.” Balanced conversations of talking and listening will have a natural ease. Subsequently, the time you spend with her is not only the planting the seeds of connection for when her life is made more complicated with the intricacies of sex, sexualization, and sexting, but you are giving her the presence she needs right now.

She needs attention; provide the right kind: It’s all too easy to compliment girls on what they look like, “I love your dress” and “You look so pretty today”, or to correct unacceptable behavior, “Don’t slouch” and “Please stop slamming your door.” What’s more challenging, yet more necessary, is positive attention, focused on the right stuff. We need to go deeper with her by looking beyond her body and seeing where she is thriving. Try complimenting her on how well she expressed her feelings, how she compromises with a friend on a play date so there is turn-taking, or how she’s being true to herself by playing tag with the boys at lunch instead of walking around and talking with the girls. At the same time, notice her successful choices and decisions such as when she chooses to go to bed at a reasonable time without technology time beforehand or when she opts out of watching a scary movie so she doesn’t have nightmares like last time.  When we give her quality attention and can take the time to ask her how these kinds of compliments feel, she will start to discern how different kinds of attention feels different. There is superficial attention that feels good at first, such as the request for a sext of her lying on her bed, but can leave her feeling empty and confused. And, then there is more meaningful attention that bolsters her like the request to help a friend with homework because she’s mastering math.

She needs to set and keep boundaries; teach her how. Two little words – “yes” and “no” can hold tremendous power as girls learn how to set boundaries. “Yes, I want to play with you and I am available.” “No, I don’t want to play today; I am not available.” When she’s little, we can start with easy requests like these – encouraging her to first consider what she wants and then provide her answer – kindly and firmly. When she’s older, and the requests feel more challenging and pressured, she’s already had the practice and can assert, “No, sexting you is not something I will do – how dare you ask.” Boundary setting teaches her she has value and worth and and that she can trust herself and learn what works for her and what feels best. Boundaries will keep her safe and clear about her own standards.

I know sexting may be a foreign concept for parents of young girls but it’s also a concept that needs consideration. As we strengthen girls by meeting their needs for authentic communication, healthy attention, and clear boundaries, we are preparing them for the more challenging parts of their journey and teaching them that they can feel good without the need to sext.

Lindsay Sealey

Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy.