ML Interest Tag: sexuality

9 Ways to Build Trust with Your Tween

by Melissa Heckscher

While they won’t help with the inevitable eye roll, these tips can help you connect and build mutual trust

If you’ve got kids approaching the tween years, you’re probably a little nervous (ok, let’s be honest—totally freaked out) about what’s going to happen when that inevitable sprout of independence blooms. Will you still know what’s going on at school, after school, or with friends? And, most importantly: How will you stay connected and close? The answer? Mutual trust. We asked experts to tell us some of the best ways to build trust with kids before they become teenagers.

Here’s what they said about building trust with tweens

1. Talk to them!

According to Mindy McKnight, author of VIRAL PARENTING: A Guide to Setting Boundaries, Building Trust, and Raising Responsible Kids in an Online World, the most important thing parents can do to build trust with their kids is to talk to them. Like, REALLY talk. The mom of six says, “Do your best to have open and honest conversations as often as you can. Yes, talk about the easy stuff like friends, school, interests, and memories, but don’t be afraid to delve into the more difficult stuff as well. Like bullying, sexuality, puberty, and hormones. Parents should be the first (and most reliable) source of information when it comes to establishing the foundation for their newly-forming ideals and opinions.”

Of course, finding time to talk can be tough. Try getting a few words in at bedtime or on car drives, when your kids are less likely to be distracted by screens, homework, or siblings.

2. Listen carefully to their perspectives—and validate what they are saying to you.

“When I was 12, we visited my uncle, who worked as a fertility endocrinologist in California. He was discussing abortion with another adult in the room, and I vividly remember him turning to me and asking what my opinion was on the subject. At age 12, I’m not sure I even really knew enough to have an opinion, but I remember exactly how I felt when he believed I might have something important to say. I felt so important. Ask your tweens their thoughts on important subjects, and you might just be surprised by what they have to say. Conversations like these also help them to become more informed and to share their opinions in a mature and respectful way,” says McKnight.

3. Be specific when setting boundaries—and stick to them.

Consistency and reliability are important building blocks of trust. If you’re going to set rules, make sure you’re specific, and stick to the rules and the consequences you’ve laid out if they aren’t followed. “We love contracts in our family. They help us ensure we have discussed all the different rules, potential outcomes, and subsequent consequences in teen-sensitive areas like the usage of smartphones, laptops, social media, cars, etc. Be careful not to establish consequences that you won’t actually enforce. Your war will be lost before you even begin,” McKnight says.

4. Take interest in your tween’s interests.

“If you notice that they have a specific interest in something, like video games or fashion, be sure to make that an interest for you too,” Mcknight says. “Learn about it, and talk about it. Even if the activity isn’t something you particularly love. Taking part in it will help open up many opportunities to spend quality time with your child, and communication with them will become much easier. Try it, and you’ll be surprised at how well this works.”

Related: 5 Phrases to Avoid Saying to Your Tween

dad talking with his tween daughter
iStock

5. Answer their questions without judgment.

When a child or tween asks you questions about something—whether it’s something they saw on TV or something they heard in school—answer them without judgment. According to New York psychologist Sanam Hafeez, “Most parents just go into panic mode asking where they heard what they heard and then judging and getting negative. When kids feel as if they can communicate openly with parents without it turning into drama—or worse, accusations and arguing—they’ll be more trusting of their parents and will value their guidance and advice.”

6. Honor their personal space.

By age 8 or 9, privacy starts to become important to kids. Consequently, that’s when parents need to start respecting their personal space—for instance, always knocking on their door (or the bathroom door) instead of just barging in. “Respect and trust are intertwined. When a tween is concerned that their parents might move their things in their room, or think nothing about coming into the bathroom while they are showering, or randomly redecorate something in their room without first checking with them, it can fracture the trust,” Hafeez says. 

Note: If you have a house policy where all doors must be open a few inches, Hafeez said you can stick to that rule but still knock and peek in before swinging the door open. 

7. Lead by example.

If your eyes are constantly on your phone, and then you scold your kids for being glued to their iPads, they won’t be as willing to take you at your word. Be ready to “walk the walk” when you set rules for the family. Hafeez says, “Declaring you are going to revamp the way the family eats and then actually involve the tween in meal-planning… that could be a fun way to show that you stick to what you say you are going to do. This inspires trust and respect.”

8. Show your tween that you respect them.

Trust hinges on respect—and this respect should be mutual. So show your tweens that you respect them—even when they misbehave or disappoint you. When your child sneaks his iPad (again) on a school night, for instance, sit him down and admit that you’re disappointed. Ask him why he finds it hard to follow a particular rule and listen to his feelings about it. Whatever you do, don’t make rash statements like, “Why can’t you ever follow the rules?” or “We just can’t trust you.” Those statements just make kids feel like their parents don’t respect (or believe in) them. Parenting expert and former high school teacher Kara Carerro noted on her blog, “When a child grows up respected, they are more apt to confide in and trust their parents.”

9. Show your kids unconditional love.

Sure, you know that you love your kids unconditionally—but do they know? In this article, outreach specialist Tyler Jacobson says it’s important to show your kids that your love never diminishes or disappears. “The fact that you love them and want to rebuild your trust could go a long way to setting the tone for healing. Even when kids are little, it can be hard to forgive quickly, offer support for every little thing, and accept them for who they are NOW. But these are all ways to show unconditional love,” he says.

Related: 11 Things Tweens Think They’re Ready to Do, But Aren’t

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How to Be an LGBTQ+ Ally: 10 Phrases to Erase from Your Vocabulary

by Emilie Swartvagher

Stop saying these homophobic slurs and help break the chain of hurtful speech.

In a vulnerable time like this, communication is incredibly important. Our kids are relying on us more than ever for education, and social development. So, how do we avoid unintentionally hurtful words and teachings that we ourselves may have learned by accident? Linguistically speaking these terms and phrases can be considered a “pathogen”—they’re “Word Germs.”

Perhaps you can recall a time when a parent or grandparent taught you a word or spoke aloud an idea that was offensive to you, or to people you cared about. You, when you decided not to repeat it, were the first link that broke that instructional chain of thinking and speaking. 

After surveying an NYC-based LGBT & Ally Performer network, we have come up with 10 commonly used words and homophobic slurs that you may not have known were offensive to the LGBTQ+ community and some alternative options that will promote our children to grow up to be compassionate and intelligent advocates for justice in their classrooms, social circles and future homes. 

“No, that’s for girls/boys.”

that's a girl toy is one of the homphobic words to stop saying
Robo Wunderkind via Unsplash

Kids are naturally curious and like to try out all different kinds of playtime activities as well as clothing options. Playing house, playing with trucks, or building LEGO sets are formative activities for young kids of any gender. Additionally, playtime, for households with multiple children, is a social activity. It’s not rare or wrong for a brother and sister to play cars, dolls, or dress-up pretend games together, so why do we enforce separation when it comes to other activities?

For example, when your son wants to try makeup or wants his nails painted, it can simply be because activities such as those are calming and involve spending quality time with you, or perhaps an older sibling. When a young girl plays with tools or has an interest in mechanics/building, not only are those creative activities the foundation for important skills she will need as an adult but are also a bonding activity for her and a parent and/or sibling. Though these activities aren't indicators that your child will grow into an LGBTQ+ adult, your reaction will be remembered if they begin having questions about their gender and sexuality, so responding positively and openly will set a trusting foundation for your relationship when they need your help finding those answers later in life. Celebrating your child’s curiosity will ultimately bring you closer together.  

“He’s a little ladies’ man/She’s going to give her Daddy trouble when she’s older.”

happy baby
Jason Sung via Unsplash

It's a known fact: babies are cute. And it's exciting to see their personalities take form. When babies/toddlers are social and bubbly, sometimes adults will remark in a way that indicates when they grow up, they’ll have plenty of romantic attention. Comments like this could potentially make your child fear making gestures of affection, particularly in front of you or other adults, in case they would be ridiculed or embarrassed. It also establishes an expectation that in adulthood, your child will be heterosexual.

Maybe you can recall having a “kindergarten boyfriend/girlfriend” who waved at you at pick-up or held your hand on the playground. These sorts of gestures of friendship and closeness among young kids should be encouraged. It teaches kids to be honest about their feelings and establishes a place in their life for kind gestures and affection, rather than concealment of emotions and violent outbursts.

These types of comments can also set a tone that same-sex relationships or the need for physical comforts such as hugs or hand-holding outside of a romantic relationship are "strange" or “abnormal.” Instead, it's important to encourage your children to be openly kind to their friends and classmates, without jokingly hinting that something else lies beneath those actions.   

"Be more ladylike."

Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

Whether she was climbing a tree or sitting bowlegged in a chair, every single girl has heard this phrase at least once growing up. This saying is damaging to every girl, establishing limitations on what girls can and cannot do. In the same way that "no, that's for boys" discourages girls from exploring interests in male-dominated fields, "act like a lady" teaches girls to consider themselves an "other" to boys, even something less than boys. While, of course, we want to teach children manners, how to be polite, to say "please" and "thank you," and to treat everyone with kindness and respect, comments like this make girls resent being born as girls.

It also assumes that a child's sex and gender match one another. Jo March from Little Women, the "blueprint" for how we view tomboyism, often remarked that she was "the man" of the family, cutting her hair short, wearing trousers, and refusing to do "girly" things like needlepoint or flirt with boys. She, like many young girls, rebels against conventional expectations of girlhood/womanhood. So, it's unsurprising that theorists have wondered whether Jo was gay or transgender. Allowing girls to breathe a bit as they develop, leaving room for any activities regardless of her sex will help her in expressing her gender identity later in life.

 

Related: 5 Trivia Questions for Pride Month

“You’re so brave for being out.”

be an LGBTQ ally by erasing these homophobic slurs out of your vocabulary
Anna Selle via Unsplash

While it comes from a place of kindness, and of understanding that there are plenty of people who are still intolerant of the LGBTQ+ community, telling a gay person "you're so brave" reinforces that being gay is an abnormality. Not every gay person is completely out, some are only out to friends or friends and a portion of their family. You may have heard "but I haven't told my uncle" or "but I'm never telling my Nona." This homophobic slur subtly assumes that a gay person wants to talk about their struggle to openly accept their sexuality. Saying instead, "I'm here for you if you need to talk (coming out, your intolerant relatives, being bullied at school, feeling confused, etc.)" establishes that you're an ally, and they're in control of when they bring up potentially traumatic events. You could also say, "I'm happy that you're so happy," or "I'm glad you've found your significant other."

“I’m not gay but.../I'm no homo...” 

two dads on how to Be an LGBTQ ally
iStock

We'd love to say the reminder is unnecessary, but we'll say it anyway: stop saying this homophobic slur or any variation of it. Whether you think Lupita Nyong'o is beautiful or you love spending time with your best friend, you don't have to reaffirm the admiration of a celebrity or the strength of your love as platonic. This is another phrase that alienates LGBTQ+ people, making it seem as though gay people are abnormal, and there's a necessity to keep reaffirming you do not belong to that group. It makes it seem as though there is some fear attached to being mistaken for gay as if there is some punishment that may be involved. It's much easier to simply say "I'm really happy we're friends" or "I love the time we spend together" to someone you care about without adding the addendum at the end.

“I have a great gaydar.”

LGBTQ ally at a pride parade
Josè Maria Sava via Unsplash

We've all heard some version of it: "I always knew ____ was gay!" or, "With style like that, it was obvious!" or to the opposite effect, "But you don't look like a lesbian?" Employing your "gaydar" assumes that there is one single way of being gay. When in fact, gay people and their experiences are just as diverse as anyone else. It also gives gay people a reputation for being "sneaky" as if being in the closet is an act to fool or trick people, but those with "gaydar" are more adept at seeking out the lie. Instead of telling your friend/child/family member that you always knew they were gay, try saying "That's great!" Or if they tell you they're transgender or nonbinary, ask questions like "What does that mean for us going forward?" and "Do you have a new name or pronouns?" and "How can I best support you in this?" Showing you're listening and you care is the most crucial step in making the person you care about feel loved and accepted.

“But, are you sure? Have you ever dated a (person of the opposite sex)?”

learn how to be a good LGBTQ ally
Masha S. via Unsplash

Even members of the LGBT+ community are guilty of this one. It's natural to be curious about how someone came into their sexuality, but ultimately it's not your business. Often times gay and transgender folks experience "internalized homophobia" where, it's difficult not to listen to the voices of bullies, politicians, clergy members, and even characters on television, who tell them they're "looking for attention" or "just haven't found the right person" or "can't possibly know unless they tried." You wouldn't ask a straight person how they knew they were straight if they'd never been in a same-sex relationship, so why the curiosity when it comes to gay people?

“I don’t mind what you are but, you’ll always be my little boy/girl to me.”

homophobic slurs to stop using today
Brian Kyed via Unsplash

It's understandable that a change such as your child's gender can be shocking. Especially when discussions of reassignment surgery, hormone therapy and legal measures (regarding name, insurance, official documents, etc.) follow. Fond memories of watching your child grow up will potentially feel like a "Before" and "After" and perhaps, your child will not remember those precious moments with the same fondness, as they will remember them as a time of closeted-ness. It is so crucial in helping your child to feel accepted for who they are, to let go of the "Before" and "After" mentality. Talking openly about your concerns, and listening to theirs will help you better understand each other's needs. Sometimes decisions about how best your child can live their life happily as their preferred gender will require several conversations and lots of research. Tackle those moments of doubt by listening to what your child needs. Help them find an LGBTQ+ network, and as their parent, talk to adults who went through the same thing at their age, and what they needed/wish they had, as far as parental support.

“That’s gay.”

Raphael Renter via Unsplash

This phrase has somewhat fallen out of fashion in the last ten years but it still comes up, particularly around the adolescent schoolyard. The sentiment is simple: all things stupid, inconvenient, weird, loud, gross, tedious, annoying, and so forth, are branded "gay" instead. With a vocabulary so rich and diverse with words that describe the things that irritate us, why continue to choose the word gay at all? It reinforces the notion that there's something inherently wrong with being gay. If you hear it said by someone you know or even someone you don't, it's easy to correct, "Did you mean (new word)?" or "Gay isn't a synonym for (new word)." Setting an example for your kids in this way, when they hear these pathogen-like phrases (especially when they're uttered by others in your presence), will help them not only learn not to say these things but also why it's important not to.

The “Reclaimed Slur”: “Fairy,” “Queen,” “Queer,” “Dyke,” “Faggot,” “Tranny,” “Cross-Dresser” 

homophobic slurs to quit using against the LGBTQ community
iStock

This last one is a little trickier than the others. Sometimes, you will hear members of the LGBT+ community use terms that seem offensive, or you've heard them used offensively before. There isn't one single opinion from the community about these terms. Some people find it liberating to use words that were once meant to damage them as a signifier of pride or self-love. Others prefer to leave homophobic slurs in the past. However, at one point in history, the words "Gay" and "Lesbian" were also slurs, so it's difficult to come down decidedly on one side of the argument or the other.

Ultimately, “slurs” can only be reclaimed by the parties they were originally used to bully. Even if you hear someone call themselves an offensive word, it does not mean they’ve permitted you to use that word to describe them as well. Communicate with your child, friend, or family member, and ask them how you should refer to them—there’s almost always a straightforward answer. Whether it be “Sometimes I call myself a dyke, but please call me a lesbian in conversation” or “I’m gay, but I also use the word queer, so you may too when talking about me.” 

As with any marginalized group, the best thing you can do to support the LGBT+ community is to listen to and amplify their voices whenever/wherever you can. Educating yourself is the first step to becoming an LGBTQ ally to those you care about.

Related: 14 Inspiring LGBTQ Books for Kids

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I’m Scared for Our Daughters

By Ali Flynn

Photo: Ali Flynn

As I raise daughters in today’s world, I am often scared. Scared for their safety and for mine. Scared of what can happen at any given moment.

After reading the news over the weekend, about Sarah Everard in London, I am scared of what our girls must be feeling.

If they can’t feel safe walking around fully clothed, a mask covering one’s face, and talking on the phone, where can they feel safe? We can’t raise our girls to live in a bubble.

So as I raise my daughters to listen to their gut, pay attention to their surroundings, and physically and emotionally defend themselves, thoughts keep popping up.

Do men ever have the fear of walking alone in an enclosed parking garage, a busy street, or a dark parking lot? 

Do men ever think they must find a spot, to park the car, under the street light? 

Do men feel uncomfortable walking alone on a street or navigating unknown territory? 

Do men always need to listen to their gut instincts before a date? Or while walking on the street?

Do men ever think they shouldn’t accept a drink from a stranger in a bar?

Do men ever feel a need to paint their nails, with special nail polish, to make sure their drink isn’t roofied?

Do men ever feel concerned about how to get themselves out of a potentially dangerous situation with a woman? 

Do men fear a woman will attack them sexually and with such aggressive behavior that many years later they still carry around the fear? 

Do men fear that if they share information about an assault that no one will hear them? 

No one will believe them?  They will be blamed and ridiculed? 

Do men fear a woman could potentially kill them because their footsteps are just a bit too close behind them to feel comfortable?

Do men feel a need to double-check the Uber driver’s name and learn how to unlock child locks in the back seat?

Do men feel that a self-defense class is necessary to learn how to fight off a woman? 

Do men purchase bracelets to alert police and emergency contacts they are in danger?

Do men wonder if police, those protecting us, are actually the police?

Do men question how much clothing covers their body so as not to be blamed if they are taken advantage of?

Do men have to worry about being followed home, looking in rearview mirror, or turning their heads around while walking?

Do men need their keys on hand before they approach their apartment door so there isn’t any lag time?

Do men need to downplay their sexuality to not be blamed?

Well, the reality is this, many women feel this way.

I wish these fears, for many women, didn’t exist and maybe the fear doesn’t show up daily, but it is enough to take pause, take notice and often take action to ensure one’s safety.

But how do we make these fears end? 

I don’t have the answers…but I have a simple wish.

As our world moves forward, may our daughters feel safe, protected and continue to listen to their gut instincts.

This is my silent prayer for all of our daughters.

And for the men who carry these fears as well, my hope for you too is to never have to carry this burden around with you, and rather know you are safe and at peace.

 

 

Ali Flynn Is excited to share with you the joys and hardships of motherhood with an open heart, laughter and some tears. Ali is a monthly guest contributor for Westchester County Mom  and has been seen on Filter Free Parents, Grown and Flown, Today Parents and Her View From Home.

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6 Ways to Encourage Inclusivity in Your Family

By Jennifer Landis

Photo: Erin Song via Unsplash

Inclusivity can mean a number of different things. Usually, it refers to including and considering those who are often excluded or marginalized—this can involve sexuality, gender, race, religion, ethnicity, and varying levels of ability. Ensuring inclusive environments makes the world a better place for everyone on a personal, intellectual and even professional level by ensuring that everyone feels welcome. Often, inclusivity is discussed in workplaces, schools, organizations and other public spaces, but it’s also important to teach inclusivity within your family and your household.

Being a good citizen in the world begins with the lessons you learn at home, and while your home is a more comfortable and relaxed place—perhaps with a more homogeneous mix of people than the world at large—it’s still important to teach inclusivity in your family so you can fully embrace the differences within your own household and in your community at large.

You never know where your inclusivity could really make a difference—from your child who could be exploring their identity knowing that they’ll come out to an accepting and loving support system, to guests in your home, to the people you encounter every day in the world. People come from all different backgrounds and experiences, and while you don’t have to know all the answers, making an effort to inform and educate yourself and your family can go a long way. If you’re looking to encourage more inclusivity in your household, here are a few ways to do it.

1. Surround Your Family with Diverse People

While the idea of being “colorblind” or “not noticing disability” might be nice at first, it can actually do more harm than good. People are different, and that’s beautiful. Making an effort to engage in activities and participate in inclusive spaces can expose your family to all different experiences. Looking for schools, activities, and social circles with people of different backgrounds and experiences can normalize variation and diversity for your kids, and even for you.

2. Encourage Empathy

One of the key points of inclusivity is thinking and acting with empathy. While diversity is about the presence of people of different backgrounds and experiences, inclusivity involves making the effort to understand their experiences, and empathy is an integral part of that action. While it’s impossible to understand the exact feelings associated with someone else’s experiences, even encouraging your kids or family to think from the perspective of others can be a great exercise in empathizing with someone of different backgrounds from your own.

3. Allow for Questions

Inclusivity isn’t just about normalization and diversity, either. It’s also about understanding and treating people like human beings who deserve respect. As long as questions are posed in a respectful manner and you’re prepared to listen, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with them. Asking someone what their experience is like adjusting to life in a wheelchair, celebrating different holidays or growing up in another country isn’t rude.

While there is a boundary between asking questions to understand someone’s experience and expecting someone to take on the emotional labor of educating you, the key is often honesty and respect. If your kids have questions you know the answer to, you can always educate them, too.

4. Model Good Behavior

You can’t expect your family to walk the walk if all you do is talk the talk. One of the best ways to teach inclusivity and encourage it in your household is to live a more inclusive lifest‌yle yourself. Support organizations, policies, and even politics that encourage inclusivity throughout the world. Spend time with people of various backgrounds and experiences and let your kids and family see. Sometimes, the best way to encourage inclusivity is simply by living it.

5. Prioritize Representation in Media & Books

Another avenue in which diversity and inclusivity is highly important is the media your family consumes. The kinds of people we see represented in films, shows, and books often shape our opinions and experiences within the world, and it’s important to use them as tools towards being more informed people. Try to read more inclusive literature and consume media that features all kinds of people. You may learn a lot from it.

6. Go the Extra Mile to Make Accommodations

Inclusivity is often about making the accommodations people need in order to make them feel welcome and comfortable. Many systems are set up specifically to cater to those in more privileged positions without regard to the needs of others, and advocating for more inclusivity often involves advocating for the accommodations necessary for people of different experiences and ability levels.

If your child has a friend or classmate who has a different diet because of religious reasons, needs physical accommodations, or has any other requirements, advocating on their behalf in public spaces and making sure they’re comfortable in your home can be really meaningful. It can make their experience better and model that behavior for your family, too.

In order to create a more inclusive world, change needs to start at home. By encouraging inclusivity in your household, you’re encouraging inclusivity on a wider scale, too. Raising respectful, knowledgeable, and empathetic members of society begins with you, and by encouraging inclusivity at home, you’re doing your part in creating a better world for everyone.

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

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5 Inclusive Resources for Families with Small Children

By Jennifer Landis

Our world contains nearly 8 billion people and each one has a different story. And while we may connect with many individuals on a daily basis, whether at school or work, it’s your responsibility as a parent to teach your children how to lead with inclusive actions. This way, they’ll be able to display acceptance and compassion to everyone.

Why Should You Discuss Tolerance?

Your kids may encounter hundreds of others throughout their childhood. These peers won’t exhibit the same features. Instead, they’ll each have their own distinct traits. It’s essential for you to show your children that these characteristics are mostly surface-level. For instance, an individual who uses a wheelchair isn’t inherently weaker than a non-disabled person. It’s necessary to highlight those truths so that your kids don’t make assumptions.

It’s natural for your kids to ask “why?” when they see someone who appears to be different from them. If you choose to discuss tolerance from the start, it’ll be easier for your children to accept people earlier rather than later. The sooner you can prevent prejudice, the better! As a result, they’ll grow up to become strong leaders who advocate for others—and society benefits from these practices.

Here are ways to have conversations about community with your children while at home.

1. A Family Is a Family: This book by Sara O’Leary covers several appropriate topics. One character talks about how they’re raised by their grandmother, while another talks about their two fathers. It’s essential to emphasize that every person should feel included and welcomed no matter their gender, race, sexuality, or ability. This idea extends to family life. You don’t need to have a mother and a father to experience love. A story like this one can help your kids understand different family dynamics—and why it’s okay not to have a nuclear family by definition.

2. Sesame Street: In 2017, Sesame Street introduced its newest cast member named Julia. The puppet has autism, which viewers see through her various behavioral quirks. Unfortunately, it’s not always easy to find kid-appropriate television shows that address disabilities head-on. Programs like Sesame Street can teach children what autism looks like for some individuals. They give non-disabled individuals a glimpse into Julia’s world. This information can help them understand kids that they already know from school. Your children can recognize that it’s not wrong to act “differently.” These lessons can also teach them how to interact with others more productively.

3. Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children in a Racially Unjust America: It’s never too early to talk to your kids about race. If you’re white, you likely recognize racism but you’re not sure how to address it as an issue. Maybe you don’t “see color,” even though it’s vital to acknowledge African American identities. In any case, it’s essential to educate yourself alongside your children. There’s always room to grow, especially when it comes to relevant topics like race. “Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children in a Racially Unjust America” by Jennifer Harvey teaches families how to foster anti-racist dialogue so that their kids can navigate a diverse world. This book can help you raise children that know how to be impactful allies for their black peers, as well as other people of color.

4. Learning Our LGBTs: Lindsey Amer created a YouTube channel called “Queer Kid Stuff” to teach young children about sexuality. In her series “Learning Our LGBTs,” Amer sits down to talk about each letter that makes up “LGBT.” She uses kid-friendly language and examples to make the point that we’re all people who deserve to be treated with respect. If you need a more care-free way to discuss these points, try Amer’s show. This series can also help parents, especially if you’re unsure about how to approach more complicated concepts like gender identity. Indeed, your kids may not need to know about these notions for a few more years, but it’s never too early to learn.

5. Teaching Young Children About Race: Here’s a beneficial resource if you need actionable tips on how to teach your children to become anti-biased. “Teaching Young Children About Race: A Guide for Parents and Teachers” includes points that translate directly to reality. Writers Louise Derman-Sparks and Julie Olsen Edwards pull excerpts from “Anti-Bias Education for Young Children & Ourselves” to help readers resist prejudice and discrimination.

It’s always important to learn, but it’s even more necessary to put your knowledge to work. It’s never too early or too late to learn about inclusion. Your children should know how to show accept all individuals, no matter their gender, race, sexuality, or ability.

 

Jennifer Landis is a mom, wife, freelance writer, and blogger. She enjoys long naps on the couch, sneaking spoonfuls of peanut butter when her kid's not looking, and binge watching Doctor Who while her kid's asleep.  She really does like her kid, though, she promises. Find her on Twitter @JenniferELandis.

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Let’s Talk About Text: How to Prepare Preteen Girls for the Pressure to Sext

By Lindsay Sealey

Photo: pexels

“What exactly is sexting?” one mom asked me the other day, with a hint of embarrassment. I assured her not to worry as the digital lexicon changes as fast as her preteen’s moods and energy levels. I explained that sexting is any sexually explicit content sent via text messaging, face timing, or video chatting – ranging from provocative poses to seminude or even nude pictures.

I know you may be thinking, sexting?…but she’s only ten years old! The truth is, although at this stage, she is merely obsessed with selfies, sexting is the selfie’s BFF and it’s on the rise amongst teens (both boys and girls). In other words, if she is posting, she is more likely to eventually sext. You need to be prepared and to prepare her for what’s ahead.

Why are girls sexting? Girls often feel pressured to sext as a way of pleasing and complying with requests from others (whom they are acquainted both in real life and online). Sexting is a means of feeling sexy and hot. Often, they use sexting and experimenting with sexy video chatting as a way to explore their sexuality safely. Sometimes, they do it as a joke or “just for fun” flirtation. Sometimes, not complying with a sexting request can result in rejection and social isolation – a real catastrophe for a growing girl. As Peggy Orenstein’s reports in her book, Girls & Sex, “Coercion into sexting appears to cause more long-term anxiety, depression, and trauma than coercion into real-life sex.” (p. 22). Unfortunately, sexting can be a gateway to sexual objectification, and even worse, sexual abuse or exploitation.

When I speak with parents about their daughter’s use of social media sites like Instagram, Snapchat, and the newly popular app called Sarahah where one can anonymously post “honest” feedback on others’ posts, I know they are worried. They struggle between wanting to give their daughters the freedom and privacy to cultivate independence and needing to protect them from the often dark and dangerous virtual world.

When I asked older girls why they sext, I received responses such as: “It’s fun, I want to fit in, it helps me feel sexy, and, if I don’t, I’ll be left out”. None of them admitted this but I sensed all of them are feeling the mounting pressure to text (and sext) as a means of feeling a sense of security in belonging and to feel good about their bodies.

Knowing sexting is fast becoming an integral, even expected part of a girl’s journey, how do we give her what she needs to prepare her for what’s ahead, even though she seems too young to be an active sexting participant? Here are some preventative strategies:

She needs open and honest communication; give her your time and presence: having consistent conversation with her may increase her comfort level as she learns to share what’s really on her mind and the true intricacies of her day. Talking time is beneficial to help her better understand who she is and who she is becoming and it’s especially advantageous when you have more heavy conversations such as the dangers and damage of sexting. Think about it – when you speak with her daily about the ups and downs of her life and approach these talks with open curiosity and empathetic understanding, you are creating a normalcy as in “this is how we do it.” Balanced conversations of talking and listening will have a natural ease. Subsequently, the time you spend with her is not only the planting the seeds of connection for when her life is made more complicated with the intricacies of sex, sexualization, and sexting, but you are giving her the presence she needs right now.

She needs attention; provide the right kind: It’s all too easy to compliment girls on what they look like, “I love your dress” and “You look so pretty today”, or to correct unacceptable behavior, “Don’t slouch” and “Please stop slamming your door.” What’s more challenging, yet more necessary, is positive attention, focused on the right stuff. We need to go deeper with her by looking beyond her body and seeing where she is thriving. Try complimenting her on how well she expressed her feelings, how she compromises with a friend on a play date so there is turn-taking, or how she’s being true to herself by playing tag with the boys at lunch instead of walking around and talking with the girls. At the same time, notice her successful choices and decisions such as when she chooses to go to bed at a reasonable time without technology time beforehand or when she opts out of watching a scary movie so she doesn’t have nightmares like last time.  When we give her quality attention and can take the time to ask her how these kinds of compliments feel, she will start to discern how different kinds of attention feels different. There is superficial attention that feels good at first, such as the request for a sext of her lying on her bed, but can leave her feeling empty and confused. And, then there is more meaningful attention that bolsters her like the request to help a friend with homework because she’s mastering math.

She needs to set and keep boundaries; teach her how. Two little words – “yes” and “no” can hold tremendous power as girls learn how to set boundaries. “Yes, I want to play with you and I am available.” “No, I don’t want to play today; I am not available.” When she’s little, we can start with easy requests like these – encouraging her to first consider what she wants and then provide her answer – kindly and firmly. When she’s older, and the requests feel more challenging and pressured, she’s already had the practice and can assert, “No, sexting you is not something I will do – how dare you ask.” Boundary setting teaches her she has value and worth and and that she can trust herself and learn what works for her and what feels best. Boundaries will keep her safe and clear about her own standards.

I know sexting may be a foreign concept for parents of young girls but it’s also a concept that needs consideration. As we strengthen girls by meeting their needs for authentic communication, healthy attention, and clear boundaries, we are preparing them for the more challenging parts of their journey and teaching them that they can feel good without the need to sext.

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

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Little Feminist Releases 3 New Inclusive Board Books for Toddlers

by Erica Loop

How inclusive is your tot’s at-home library? If you’re looking for a way to broaden your kiddo’s horizons, Little Feminist has three brand-new board books to help.

Little Feminist is a children’s book subscription service that fills a serious void. With specially curated boxes (by your child’s age), this service focuses on issues such as diversity and gender equality.

The latest addition to Little Feminist’s library includes three boards books designed specifically for toddlers. The books feature real pics of children and their families in situations your child may or may not yet understand.

Each book includes topics ranging from race and ethnicity to gender and sexuality. The series also focuses on mobility, helping your toddler to better understand the wide world of abilities.

The books are available for pre-order starting in late January for $8 each. Little Feminist will start regular sales of the books on Mar. 8—International Women’s Day. Visit Little Feminist here for more information on ordering this new series.

—Erica Loop

Photos: Courtesy of Little Feminist 

 

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These Conversation Cards Can Help Positively Shape Your Teen’s Views on Sex

By Taran and Bunny Ghatrora

Photo: Blume

If you’ve ever worried about how to broach sexual health with your child, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s one of the most frequently asked questions we get here at Blume.

Let’s rewind last year to when we launched Blume—the first-ever cohesive line of products for people going through puberty—in order to raise the standards for how we discuss and address this pivotal life stage.

For most of us, puberty was a fairly traumatizing experience that left us scarred in one way or another. Whether that’s because we weren’t instructed properly about what was happening to our bodies, or shamed for what was—puberty left an unfortunate mark on many of us that we carry into adulthood.

In fact, we surveyed 1,000 womxn, and 60% said that they felt their self-esteem plummeted around puberty. We here at Blume think that’s unacceptable, and our mission is to change that statistic.

Not only do we create crowd-sourced products that help young individuals navigate puberty, but a key part of our work is also ensuring that we properly educate teens on their sexual health to prevent future issues from arising and normalize these conversations. This goes beyond traditional education points, like pregnancy and STI prevention. It expands into properly teaching them about essential components of sex that aren’t often addressed by school systems, like consent, communication and, yes, pleasure. Sexual health education is the right to know our own bodies, what they do, how they work, and how to take care of them.

So, as part of our recent States of Sex Ed campaign, Blume has launched a series of conversation cards to facilitate better versions of the “birds and bees” talk (that so many parents dread). Only 9 US states mandate medically accurate, inclusive and comprehensive sex ed, so we want these cards to bridge this knowledge gap that still exists.

The physical deck includes 152 cards covering fundamental topics like puberty, body science, consent, healthy relationships, body positivity, and self-care—all developed with a certified sexual health educator. These cards are aimed at helping you feel confident that your teen will feel informed, confident, and empowered—an experience that we all wish we had during puberty.

The cards include everything from prompts that call on your growing young adult to reflect on what they want to gain from personal self-care to helping them understand terms about gender and sexuality, and allowing themselves a chance to consider their own relationships with intimacy between themselves and others.

When it comes down to how to walk through these cards with your kid, we know that giving “the talk” isn’t easy. What we’ve realized, however, is that the awkwardness of this talk often stems more from the parents’ fears and insecurities than the children’s. Ultimately, at such a young age, you haven’t been subject to decades of sexual shame that most of us have been made to (unfortunately) endure. This is incredibly encouraging because it offers the opportunity to entirely reshape the trajectory of your child’s relationship with their body, with their partners, and with sex. Rather than instilling traditional fears and taboos, this means that the biggest part of giving “the talk” is getting over the fear of, well, giving “the talk” yourself.

It’s often difficult to recognize our own hangups or insecurities and how they affect those around us. We encourage you, through this physical deck of easy and educational conversation prompts, you can open their minds to the misconceptions you might still hold yourself around sexual health and wellness. Take a moment to consider your own relationship with your body and sexual wellness. From where did your insecurities stem? If you could do it over yourself, how would you do it differently? This is a crucial part of re-shaping the next generation into empowered, self-assured individuals who are equipped with factual information to make healthy decisions. On a more tactical level, we also recommend running through the cards first—either by yourself or with a partner. This way, you’ll be knowledgeable and prepared to share them with your teen!

As parents, you have a remarkable opportunity. For every flaw that existed within your own sex education, you have this amazing chance to remedy it for your child. If you’ve ever mistreated your body, engaged in unhealthy relationships or denied yourself sexual pleasure due to societal shame—this is a chance to offer your child a path to do things differently. We underestimate the large scale impact that sexual health education has on every single one of our personal lives. It can change the course of our self-confidence and our interpersonal relationships. At Blume, we fully believe that this is a pinnacle moment in your kid’s life (soon to be adult) and that you’re the one who can make it special. It’s time to normalize these conversations.

Taran and Bunny Ghatrora
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Taran and Bunny Ghatrora are the co-founders of Blume, the US's first cohesive line of self-care products curated specifically for puberty and beyond. Through innovative, research-based products, Blume elevates and normalizes a nearly universal life experience and is building a community that empowers everyone to celebrate themselves through self-care.

 

 

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Let’s Talk about Sext(ing)—& Why You Should with Your Kids, Too

By Doreen Dodgen-Magee

The sending and receiving of sexually charged images and words via digital devices—a.k.a. “sexting”—is a relatively common practice amongst young people. Parents, having grown up amongst different norms, often feel lost in how to help their children navigate digital waters that will include such communiques. 

Children will be exposed to the reality of sexting long before most parents imagine and are greatly benefitted by talking about the issue prior to exposure. Here are some tips for how to discuss sexting in your home.

Have body-positive, non-shaming conversations. 

It’s easy to let anxiety or fear drive conversations around sex and sexting. Our children, however, need us to be able to regulate our own emotions so that we can make space for theirs. Need a script? Try out this conversation: 

“As you text with friends, you are likely to receive some that make you feel all sorts of ways. Words and pictures might be sent that make you feel sort of excited and also weird. Some of these might include naked photos or comments related to sex. You might even find yourself wanting to send texts like these. This is pretty normal. I’d love to help you think through how you want to handle the temptation to send sexts as well as what you want to do when you receive them.” 

Such caring language can be a huge help in keeping the conversations going. 

Have these conversations now. 

Late elementary school-aged children will encounter sexting sooner than most adults imagine. Helping them be prepared can go a long way in how they handle the challenges related to both.

Help children understand impulsivity. 

The ease of sharing via devices makes impulse control especially important. In the realm of sexting (and online communication in general) helping children learn and practice a pause before sending or responding to texts is a huge gift.

Here’s another helpful script to get your kids thinking about how they’d respond: 

“Let’s pretend it’s the middle of the night and you have your phone. Friends who are having a sleepover begin sending you photos of themselves with little or no clothes on and dare you to do the same. You’re feeling pretty excited that they chose you to send messages to and you are also excited about how they might respond. You don’t want to seem like a loser. What are some ideas of how to act in this situation?” 

Brainstorming some responses will give them tools when the time comes that they need them.

Watch how you speak about others. 

Practice non-judgmental awareness. Our kids are watching us. When they hear us put people down for behaviors that they themselves may have engaged in or been tempted to engage in, they get the clear message that we will put them down as well. 

If you learn of a sexting “scandal,” be careful not to shame the parties involved. Use the situation, instead, to talk through critical thinking skills and decision making with your child.

Find someone safe to talk with so you can do the above. 

None of this is easy. The easy options, in fact, are to put our heads in the sand and to make unrealistic demands upon our children to simply resist and obey. When we have places where we can be supported and cared for as we ourselves navigate these murky waters, we will be much more able to suspend our own reactivity in order to educate and nurture our children through approaches and missteps to sexual exploration on- and offline. 

Resist the temptation to believe that everyone else’s children are perfect and have never struggled! Instead, find those who can share authentically with you and who will support you as you, in turn, support your child.

Basically, children need to know that their bodies are wonderful, that it makes sense that they feel proud of them and that it is important to thoroughly think through what might happen if they share naked or provocative images of themselves. 

They need to feel that adults understand their sexual impulse and exploration, acknowledge the “normalcy” of enticing online sexuality and that we want to help them navigate this reality in their lives. We also want them to know we are not afraid of these realities and will not overreact if they find themselves in a bind. We want them to come to us, even if they’ve made a misstep—especially if they’ve made a misstep. We want to be their loving resource.

More than ever, children need parents who will help them navigate. They need to know that parents and other caring adults are in touch with the new norms in culture and will be able to handle their own feelings well enough to help them deal with the unbelievable and never-before-navigated waters of life in this time. 

For them to believe they can come to you when they have made a mistake, they must know you will be able to tolerate the discomfort without becoming discombobulated or shaming them.

Doreen Dodgen-Magee
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

doreen dodgen-magee is a psychologist, author, & speaker who thinks about how technology is shaping people. Her book, Deviced! Balancing Life & Technology in a Digital Age was awarded the 2018 Gold Nautilus Award for Psychology & has been featured in the New York Times, Time Magazine, & the Washington Post. 

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