Everyone knows Trader Joe’s is the best spot for fresh flowers, sweet greeting cards & cool treats

Trader Joe’s wins out for easy dinner ideas and cheap wine, and they’re really pulling out all the stops to deliver lots of great options for gifting this Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re shopping for your little ones, your kid’s teacher, your best friend, or your significant other, there’s a great gift option for everyone. Plus, they have some of the cutest cards in town. Check out the best Trader Joe’s Valentine’s Day goodies spotted for 2024.

Jelly Bean Hearts

trader joe's valentine's day jelly beans

You can’t pass up these cuties that ring in at just $1.49 each.

Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Mini Heart Cookies

Dark chocolate mini heart cookies are on our list of best Trader Joe's valentines day products

Snag some of these candy-topped cookies to put a smile on your kid’s face when they open their lunchbox.

Cachet Candy Assortment

Trader Joe's Valentines Day boxes of chocolates

With three types of chocolate in each box, your valentine will love this heart-shaped gift this Valentine’s Day. There are pink and red boxes, and each has 14 chocolates inside.

Cocoa Truffles

Simple and delicious. You can’t go wrong when you choose these to say, “I love you.”

Trader Joe’s For the Love of Chocolate Mousse Cake

Trader Joe's chocolate mousse cake

Perfect for sharing, these heart cakes go great with fresh berries.

Heart-Shaped Macarons

You’ll find these raspberry and vanilla creme desserts in the freezer section. Just leave them at room temp for a bit before enjoying.

Orchids

Orchids are among Trader Joe's Valentines day products

Live plants are a lovely option for Valentine’s Day and Trader Joe’s is offering loads of different colors including white, pink, yellow, and purple blooms. A nice gift for teachers!

Related: Check Out These Trader Joe’s Frozen Foods with a Cult Following

Handcrafted Felted Wool Heart Wreath

felt wool heart wreath from Trader Joe's

Those wreaths we loved so much last year are making a comeback for Valentine’s Day in a cute heart shape. At $19.99, they could make a fun addition to your front porch.

Trader Joe’s Gummy Xs & Os

Trader Joe's gummy x's and o's are a big hit

These soft gummies are “love at first bite” according to Trader Joe’s, and we agree.

Flower Bouquets

Go the extra mile (and save a few bucks at the same time) by purchasing your Valentine’s Day flowers at Trader Joe’s. We like to get a few different varieties, like tulips, hydrangeas, and a mixed bouquet, and then make our own arrangement. You’ll spend $20 for this one-of-a-kind gift (and Trader Joe’s flowers are known to last for a long time so you’ll be a winner for weeks).

Related: 16 Easy Trader Joe’s Recipes That Take 15 Minutes or Less

Trader Joe’s Heart-Shaped Pasta

Get your favorite red sauce simmering alongside this cute pasta for a festive Valentine’s Day dinner. Tip: Cook to al dente so they will keep their shape better!

A Rose is a Rose Scented Candle

trader joe's valentine's day rose candles

This season’s newest scented candle will help set the scene.

Chocolate Berry Lip Mask Set

trader joe's valentine's day chocolate berry lip mask

We love this sweet set for gifting to the skincare people in our lives. Those in the know say it’s a solid dupe for Laneige.

Trader Joe’s Dark Chocolate Caramel Hearts

trader joe's valentine's day dark chocolate caramel hearts

Pop a few of these in your kid’s lunch and they’ll be feeling the love all day!

Raspberry Mousse Cakes

trader joe's valentine's day raspberry mousse cake

These aren’t necessarily specific to Valentine’s Day, but we think they make a perfect addition to your dessert board.

Raspberry Hearts

Tea time anyone? These cute cookies are fun to add to a lunchbox or to snack on with your coffee.

Belgian Chocolate Hearts

trader joe's valentine's day belgian chocolates

We love these sophisticated chocolates that don’t have the upscale price tag.

Cheese

Have a sweetheart who isn’t too keen on sweets? We personally love a gift of cheese, and Trader Joe’s has tons of options to choose from.

Trader Joe’s Greeting Cards

Trader Joe's greeting cards

If you aren’t shopping exclusively at Trader Joe’s for your greeting cards, we can’t be friends. They have so many funny and punny options that you’re guaranteed to find one that fits the bill. At 99 cents each, you should just grab a few for your stash whenever you shop.

Ahh, new motherhood. You go from dreaming of the day your baby will arrive to holding that tiny, wriggling bundle in your arms and thinking, “What the heck do I do now?” Hang tight! We’re here to help. We asked experienced moms to tell us one thing they wish they’d known when they first became parents, and they really delivered—from wisdom on sleep to life-changing self-care tips, and getting perspective on those intense early days. But the one thing they all agreed on is the most important of all: that you’re doing an amazing job.

Adjusting to Mom Life

“In the beginning, I wish I knew how to roll with it, not get frustrated, and that I would need lots of patience…. I was used to being in control and having some order to my life. My kids came into the picture and all of that was thrown out the window! Now they’ve broken me in and I roll with everything, but I remember that part being really hard for me.” — Kathy

“If I had a dime for every time I did something that I said I would never do when I was a know-it-all childless woman, I’d be rich.” — Jessie

“Do NOT let all the do’s & don’ts of parenting discourage you. As long as you keep your baby safe, healthy, and nurtured… you are doing a beautiful job. DON’T compare yourself to other moms! It’s not healthy!” — Ruthie

“I wish I had spent my time reading about postpartum rather than pregnancy books. During pregnancy, you have a doctor guiding you. But postpartum, you pretty much are on your own, and getting a counselor does not mean you are a bad parent.” — Reyna

“The most profound thing I heard and will never forget… Your baby was attached to you for 9 months. For the first 6 months of their life, they don’t actually realize they are still not a part of you! Love on that baby like they are still attached to you.” — Tara

“You will be a crazy emotional wreck (and a total a-hole at times) for the first ~6 months, but that’s okay because you just created another human being in your body.” — Sanaz

Getting Through Those Tough Moments

“I wish I had known that sometimes babies cry for no reason. They are not broken, and you didn’t do anything wrong. It will eventually get better; just breathe and try to comfort your new human!” — Melissa

“Take each stage as a stage. If things are really hard, just breathe. Your baby will hit a new milestone in a few weeks and things will change. The first year is like a book with all these mini-chapters, and you’ll be on to the next one before you realize it.” — Erin

“He isn’t GIVING you a hard time; he’s HAVING a hard time. (The wisest words I ever received from my mother-in-law.) It has helped me every single day of motherhood to keep their needs and moods in perspective.” — Elizabeth

“There are no mistakes, you learn as you go, and trust that you and your baby will figure it out and grow together. I thought I was so prepared with the books, asking mommy friends and relatives, and at the end of it, I just threw that all out and took those deep breaths and went with it.” — Sheilah

Related: 21 Everyday Victories New Parents Should Celebrate

Breastfeeding: So Much Harder Than It Seems

“It’s okay to breastfeed and be comfortable enough to do so in public. Took until my third child to be able to do so and have no shame or embarrassment.” — Brittany

“Breastfeeding hurts in the beginning, and that’s normal. Imagine washing your calloused hands 30 minutes straight every 2 hours—they’d crack and bleed too! Your nipples are nowhere near as calloused as your hands, so be patient with yourself and baby because it’s a learning process.” — Jeni

“Don’t be discouraged or beat yourself up if your milk supply doesn’t come in like you want or expected. Or if your baby simply isn’t interested. Just keep trying and don’t give up… if that’s what you choose. And if it’s just not working for you and/or baby, then allow yourself to bottle-feed without the guilt!” — Jamie

Related: Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Your Baby

Sleep: That Thing You Used to Do Whenever You Wanted

“Not all babies are wired to sleep through the night. I don’t sleep through the night, and neither does my kid. Professionals actually consider sleeping through the night to be 5 hours, not 8 or 12.” — Erin

“You will hear, ‘Sleep when the baby does,’ but for some of us, that is impossible. Ask for help and have a trusted hero [to] give you a few hours of sleep!” — Lauren

“You never know what you’re going to get. Try and rest as much as possible but don’t stress if you can’t. There is always the chance you get a sleep-through-the-night-early baby.” — Sarah

Related: Baby Sleep Guide: Expert Advice & What to Expect the First Year

Getting Used to That Postpartum Body

“Your body will change. Some of those changes are permanent, some are fleeting, some of them hurt, some will take you months to notice. Embracing the changes—good and bad—is the best way to get through them. (I named my hemorrhoids…it felt better than crying every day… just saying.) And at the end of it all, you will be stronger than you ever knew possible. — Paige

“The hair loss! Not once during or after my pregnancy did anyone talk about the possible postpartum hair loss. I thought I was losing all of my hair.” — Madison

“I wish I had known that I would pee a little every time I sneezed for the rest of my life.” — Katie

Related: The Weirdest Permanent Body Changes after Pregnancy

The Importance of Self-Care

“It is okay to let baby cry for a couple minutes. It’s okay to shower and leave them in the crib even if they are crying (if they are crying, they are ALIVE!). And it’s okay to go out and leave baby home with dad. (All learned the hard way.)” — Bella

“Postpartum anxiety is real! Get help and don’t be ashamed. Sometimes, you can’t help how you think and feel. You’re not alone.” — Marisol

“Don’t underestimate the power of support. If you don’t have that built-in (family, friends), hire someone whose main focus is to support you.” — Jacquie

“Remember: Under 2 years, playdates aren’t for them, they’re for you.” — Liz

“YOUR health is still most important. Take care of your needs too.” — Morgan

“Have a good friend who you can call and cry about your actual life, but who you can call too and talk about how amazing your baby’s development is, and how proud you are.” — Tania

“Learn to program your coffeemaker. Such a great self-care thing to do at the end of the day to have something nice in the morning!” — Rachel

Related: A Tribute to All the Moms Who Do Less

a group of first time moms pushing strollers in the park in a city with coats on
iStock

Leave The House During Those Early Days (Yes, Really!)

“Go out to dinners with your significant other/spouse and baby while they’re not mobile and sleep a lot. It feels daunting to go out in public with a newborn, but that’s when they’re the easiest! And you and your partner can keep the connection going!” — Haruko

“They’re easier when they don’t move. Like, a ton easier. You won’t realize how easy they were until they’re 2 and 3 and you’re pregnant again realizing you feel going to Disneyland seems so doable with a baby that doesn’t move. Life with a newborn seems so simple in retrospect.” — Jeni

What to Buy & What Not to Buy

“Get a simple high chair with no little nooks and crannies — like the IKEA high chair. It is so hard to clean the fancy five-position chairs.” — Sasha

“Don’t buy pajamas with buttons. They are a nightmare! Zippers will make life easier, especially for those diaper changes in the middle of the night.” — Carolyn

“Put Tucks or witch hazel pads in the fridge or freezer. All of your angry parts will thank you.” — Lesley

How Fast It Goes…

“Now that mine is 25 and my grandbaby is 4, the one thing I miss most is the sweet innocence when they are so small. That you are their entire world. Enjoy the cuddles, the softness of their voices, even their tears. It goes so quickly, and before you know it, they’re independent and more interested in everything BUT you.” — Lisa

“I wish I knew that it would be over in the blink of an eye. The first three years are so intense and hard on your marriage and on you mentally…. It feels boring and like you chose the wrong thing, but you aren’t supposed to admit that. So you smile and talk about how it is the best thing that ever happened to you. And it is. But some days you want to choose something else. And then it’s over. Then they eat their food and sleep through the night. They go to the potty and to school. Then those precious baby snuggles turn into a mommy who needs one more snuggle but the baby is too busy. The kids want to go on playdates and sleepovers. They want to spend Saturdays having sleepovers with friends and you are left shuttling them around and missing the days when you could coo at your sweet little baby. Don’t fast-forward. Don’t skip the moments. Don’t tune out and wonder where you’re meant to be or if there is something bigger out there for you. There’s not. This is it and it’s really, really short.” — Trish

Becoming a new mom is tough, but these postpartum self-care tips can help give you the nurturing you need.

Welcome to the rollercoaster ride of motherhood, where each day is a whirlwind of sleepless nights, a flood of emotions you never knew existed, and baby coos you wish you could play on repeat.

If you’re a new mom, congratulations on this incredible adventure you’re embarking on. Whether you’re just days, weeks, or months in, we can only imagine how the arrival of your tiny bean has left you feeling—unparalleled joy with a side of “oh gosh, I’m lost in a tornado of diapers and baby bottles”?

Though, it’s within this bittersweet chaos that you can easily forget the most crucial passenger on this wild ride…you. Yes, you, the superhero who brought a small human into the world.

As your friend, your confidant, and your friendly voice of reason, we’re here to help you navigate the postpartum journey (because you don’t need to do it alone!). From taking care of your mental health to recognizing when you need professional assistance and everything in between, let’s dive into our top postpartum self-care tips.

1. Take Care of You!

There’s no denying that parents put themselves on the back burner when it comes to their children. While you can’t help but make your little ones your number one priority, refusing to dedicate time for self-care can affect your overall parenting.

With your body requiring extra care and nourishment upon giving birth, it’s important to stay hydrated (is that water bottle on your nightstand empty?), eat a well-balanced diet rich in nutrients, and get some hard-earned rest—we know, it’s easier said than done! Incorporating gentle exercises into your routine can also expedite your recovery. It could be as simple as light walks or pelvic floor exercises, but the key is to move at your pace.

2. Keep an Eye Out for Signs of Postpartum Depression

Motherhood brings forth a lot of change, including a spectrum of ever-changing emotions. While some shades are less joyous than others, it’s crucial to recognize if you’re feeling trapped in a prolonged shadow of sadness, hopelessness, or worthlessness.

These feelings are correlated to postpartum depression, a type of mood disorder that affects up to 15% of women after childbirth. The medical condition, which is often mislabeled as “baby blues,” can develop within the first few weeks to months after giving birth. It’s also marked by other serious symptoms, like a lack of interest in once enjoyable activities, the inability to connect with your infant, and thoughts of self-harm. Acknowledge your feelings during this transitional period, and if you find yourself experiencing any of these symptoms, seek immediate help.

3. Seek Professional Help When Needed

Your mental health as a new parent is vital. Not only does it play a direct role in how you navigate the unpredictability of parenthood, but it also impacts the quality of your relationship with your baby. If you’re feeling like you need an outlet to work through what you’re experiencing, that’s okay. Know that seeking professional assistance is a courageous step—and one that should be met with praise and support.

With BetterHelp, an online therapy service, you can take appointments right from the comforts of your home, and on your schedule. That means you have a licensed therapist at your fingertips, available through text, phone, or video, all wrapped up in an affordable monthly subscription.

As the world’s largest therapy service, BetterHelp also gives you access to one of over 30,000 licensed therapists in their massive network based on your needs, preferences, and location, so you can match with a therapist in as little as just 48 hours. If you’re looking for a little extra support from other moms facing similar challenges, you can opt for group sessions. It’s like a virtual village just for you.

Try BetterHelp today and receive our exclusive Tinybeans offer. You’ll earn 25% off your first month!

4. Find Your Village

Moms, we know you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, but navigating this new era shouldn’t be an act you bear alone. Finding a support system can be paramount for both your mental and emotional well-being, whether it’s your significant other, family, friends, or a mommy support group. Surrounding yourself with comfort, laughter, and shared experiences can be the safety net that’ll uplift you when you need it most.

5. Carve Out “Me Time”

Oftentimes, it’s easy for moms to fully embrace their role as caretakers, devoting all of their time and energy to their new bundle of joy. But it’s important to not lose sight of who you were before children, and to not forget about what brings you happiness and relaxation in the process.

Devote time throughout each week that puts your first, so you can maintain your identity outside of motherhood. Reconnect with hobbies you love, or indulge in a guilty pleasure—maybe a TV series that’s just for you. This time is crucial for recharging and preserving your mental and emotional health.

6. Recognize (& Celebrate!) How Far You’ve Come

With so much always happening at once, it’s easy to overlook the small victories of parenting. Take a step back and celebrate all that you’ve achieved and how much your baby has developed—because of you! Whether it’s your baby sleeping through the night or you mastered the art of one-handed diaper changes, these small wins contribute to your growth as a mother. Acknowledging them can give you the feel-good emotions you need to keep going.

7. Set Realistic Expectations

Hooray, you’ve been promoted to the new role of mom, but like any new job, this period comes with some adjustments and level setting. Set realistic expectations of what you can and cannot accomplish in one day to gift yourself some much-needed compassion and grace.

Consider simplifying your daily routines to manage the demands of caring for a newborn. Rather than going to the grocery store, try ordering your meals weekly from a meal delivery service. If you’re overwhelmed by neglected household chores, tackle one area of the house every few days or divide and conquer with your partner. Every day may not be picture-perfect, and that’s more than okay.

8. Nurture Your Relationship with Your Significant Other

Amidst the sleepless nights and never-ending sea of bottles, don’t forget to nurture the bond with your partner. Communication is key and understanding each other’s needs in this new chapter of life is a must. Even simple gestures can go a long way in maintaining a strong and supportive relationship.

 

This article is sponsored by BetterHelp. Interested in giving therapy a try? Get started with BetterHelp today and save 25% off your first month. Your exclusive discount will be automatically applied at checkout with this special link. After signing up, simply fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist in as little as 48 hours. You can then book your first live session via chat, phone, or video!

Stay on top of it all with the Cozi app

Are you tired of trying to keep track of your family’s busy schedule? So are we. Do you find yourself constantly forgetting appointments, events, and deadlines? Us, too. We get it. The Cozi app is here to make it all a little less… juggly. Think of it as the ultimate family organizer, helping you stay on top of everyone’s schedules, grocery lists, and even dinner plans.

The beauty of the app is that it gives every family member access to the same calendar and information, making it possible for everyone to be on the same page.

Family Calendar

The Cozi app features a shared calendar, where every family member can add events and commitments, making it incredibly easy to keep track of everyone’s schedules in one place. The app’s color-coded calendar creates a visual reference that helps you stay up to date with everybody’s plans at a glance. No more surprise PTA meetings or forgotten birthday parties!

The Cozi app also sends out notifications reminding everyone of the upcoming events on the family calendar, so you’ll never be caught snoozing. but it can also include the grandparents, who love to stay up to date on the kids’ schedules, or the nanny and frequent babysitters.

To-Do Lists

The Cozi to-do list is truly next level. It’s like having a personal assistant who doesn’t talk back (because let’s be honest, sometimes we could all benefit from that). Create a personal to-do list, a honey do list, or individual chore lists for the kids. You can add as many lists as you want: emergency supplies list, packing list, camping supplies, project tasks—whatever you need. Assign to-do lists to family members so everyone can pitch in. Easily reorder items by priority and add headers to organize, too!

Shopping Lists

With the Cozi app, grocery shopping has never been easier. When you create a shopping list on Cozi, you can add items directly from your pantry, view them by category, and even add notes in case your significant other keeps forgetting whether you like crunchy or smooth peanut butter. With this app, it’s almost like you have your own personal shopping assistant

Additionally, the Cozi app lets you easily share lists with others, so no more misunderstandings about which brand of toilet paper to buy. Whether you’re meal-prepping for the week or just need to pick up a few things, the Cozi app is definitely the most convenient way to make it happen.

Recipes

You can also import recipes from your favorite websites, enter your own family favorites, and even plan out your meals for the week. Gone are the days of standing in front of the fridge wondering what to make for dinner. With the Cozi Recipe Box and Meal Planner, you can search for recipes by ingredient or meal type, and even add them directly to your grocery list.

Cozi Home

The Cozi Home screen shows you everything you’ve got going on each day in a quick and easy view that includes upcoming appointments, your current to-dos, and recently added shopping list items.

In a world that’s constantly changing and moving at lightning speed (we’re talking about the parenting world, of course), it’s so important to have a tool that can keep up with our daily lives. The Cozi app is that pocket-sized superhero.. So go ahead, download the app and be amazed by what you can get done.

Stop saying these homophobic slurs and help break the chain of hurtful speech.

In a vulnerable time like this, communication is incredibly important. Our kids are relying on us more than ever for education, and social development. So, how do we avoid unintentionally hurtful words and teachings that we ourselves may have learned by accident? Linguistically speaking these terms and phrases can be considered a “pathogen”—they’re “Word Germs.”

Perhaps you can recall a time when a parent or grandparent taught you a word or spoke aloud an idea that was offensive to you, or to people you cared about. You, when you decided not to repeat it, were the first link that broke that instructional chain of thinking and speaking. 

After surveying an NYC-based LGBT & Ally Performer network, we have come up with 10 commonly used words and homophobic slurs that you may not have known were offensive to the LGBTQ+ community and some alternative options that will promote our children to grow up to be compassionate and intelligent advocates for justice in their classrooms, social circles and future homes. 

“No, that’s for girls/boys.”

that's a girl toy is one of the homphobic words to stop saying
Robo Wunderkind via Unsplash

Kids are naturally curious and like to try out all different kinds of playtime activities as well as clothing options. Playing house, playing with trucks, or building LEGO sets are formative activities for young kids of any gender. Additionally, playtime, for households with multiple children, is a social activity. It’s not rare or wrong for a brother and sister to play cars, dolls, or dress-up pretend games together, so why do we enforce separation when it comes to other activities?

For example, when your son wants to try makeup or wants his nails painted, it can simply be because activities such as those are calming and involve spending quality time with you, or perhaps an older sibling. When a young girl plays with tools or has an interest in mechanics/building, not only are those creative activities the foundation for important skills she will need as an adult but are also a bonding activity for her and a parent and/or sibling. Though these activities aren't indicators that your child will grow into an LGBTQ+ adult, your reaction will be remembered if they begin having questions about their gender and sexuality, so responding positively and openly will set a trusting foundation for your relationship when they need your help finding those answers later in life. Celebrating your child’s curiosity will ultimately bring you closer together.  

“He’s a little ladies’ man/She’s going to give her Daddy trouble when she’s older.”

happy baby
Jason Sung via Unsplash

It's a known fact: babies are cute. And it's exciting to see their personalities take form. When babies/toddlers are social and bubbly, sometimes adults will remark in a way that indicates when they grow up, they’ll have plenty of romantic attention. Comments like this could potentially make your child fear making gestures of affection, particularly in front of you or other adults, in case they would be ridiculed or embarrassed. It also establishes an expectation that in adulthood, your child will be heterosexual.

Maybe you can recall having a “kindergarten boyfriend/girlfriend” who waved at you at pick-up or held your hand on the playground. These sorts of gestures of friendship and closeness among young kids should be encouraged. It teaches kids to be honest about their feelings and establishes a place in their life for kind gestures and affection, rather than concealment of emotions and violent outbursts.

These types of comments can also set a tone that same-sex relationships or the need for physical comforts such as hugs or hand-holding outside of a romantic relationship are "strange" or “abnormal.” Instead, it's important to encourage your children to be openly kind to their friends and classmates, without jokingly hinting that something else lies beneath those actions.   

"Be more ladylike."

Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

Whether she was climbing a tree or sitting bowlegged in a chair, every single girl has heard this phrase at least once growing up. This saying is damaging to every girl, establishing limitations on what girls can and cannot do. In the same way that "no, that's for boys" discourages girls from exploring interests in male-dominated fields, "act like a lady" teaches girls to consider themselves an "other" to boys, even something less than boys. While, of course, we want to teach children manners, how to be polite, to say "please" and "thank you," and to treat everyone with kindness and respect, comments like this make girls resent being born as girls.

It also assumes that a child's sex and gender match one another. Jo March from Little Women, the "blueprint" for how we view tomboyism, often remarked that she was "the man" of the family, cutting her hair short, wearing trousers, and refusing to do "girly" things like needlepoint or flirt with boys. She, like many young girls, rebels against conventional expectations of girlhood/womanhood. So, it's unsurprising that theorists have wondered whether Jo was gay or transgender. Allowing girls to breathe a bit as they develop, leaving room for any activities regardless of her sex will help her in expressing her gender identity later in life.

 

Related: 5 Trivia Questions for Pride Month

“You’re so brave for being out.”

be an LGBTQ ally by erasing these homophobic slurs out of your vocabulary
Anna Selle via Unsplash

While it comes from a place of kindness, and of understanding that there are plenty of people who are still intolerant of the LGBTQ+ community, telling a gay person "you're so brave" reinforces that being gay is an abnormality. Not every gay person is completely out, some are only out to friends or friends and a portion of their family. You may have heard "but I haven't told my uncle" or "but I'm never telling my Nona." This homophobic slur subtly assumes that a gay person wants to talk about their struggle to openly accept their sexuality. Saying instead, "I'm here for you if you need to talk (coming out, your intolerant relatives, being bullied at school, feeling confused, etc.)" establishes that you're an ally, and they're in control of when they bring up potentially traumatic events. You could also say, "I'm happy that you're so happy," or "I'm glad you've found your significant other."

“I’m not gay but.../I'm no homo...” 

two dads on how to Be an LGBTQ ally
iStock

We'd love to say the reminder is unnecessary, but we'll say it anyway: stop saying this homophobic slur or any variation of it. Whether you think Lupita Nyong'o is beautiful or you love spending time with your best friend, you don't have to reaffirm the admiration of a celebrity or the strength of your love as platonic. This is another phrase that alienates LGBTQ+ people, making it seem as though gay people are abnormal, and there's a necessity to keep reaffirming you do not belong to that group. It makes it seem as though there is some fear attached to being mistaken for gay as if there is some punishment that may be involved. It's much easier to simply say "I'm really happy we're friends" or "I love the time we spend together" to someone you care about without adding the addendum at the end.

“I have a great gaydar.”

LGBTQ ally at a pride parade
Josè Maria Sava via Unsplash

We've all heard some version of it: "I always knew ____ was gay!" or, "With style like that, it was obvious!" or to the opposite effect, "But you don't look like a lesbian?" Employing your "gaydar" assumes that there is one single way of being gay. When in fact, gay people and their experiences are just as diverse as anyone else. It also gives gay people a reputation for being "sneaky" as if being in the closet is an act to fool or trick people, but those with "gaydar" are more adept at seeking out the lie. Instead of telling your friend/child/family member that you always knew they were gay, try saying "That's great!" Or if they tell you they're transgender or nonbinary, ask questions like "What does that mean for us going forward?" and "Do you have a new name or pronouns?" and "How can I best support you in this?" Showing you're listening and you care is the most crucial step in making the person you care about feel loved and accepted.

“But, are you sure? Have you ever dated a (person of the opposite sex)?”

learn how to be a good LGBTQ ally
Masha S. via Unsplash

Even members of the LGBT+ community are guilty of this one. It's natural to be curious about how someone came into their sexuality, but ultimately it's not your business. Often times gay and transgender folks experience "internalized homophobia" where, it's difficult not to listen to the voices of bullies, politicians, clergy members, and even characters on television, who tell them they're "looking for attention" or "just haven't found the right person" or "can't possibly know unless they tried." You wouldn't ask a straight person how they knew they were straight if they'd never been in a same-sex relationship, so why the curiosity when it comes to gay people?

“I don’t mind what you are but, you’ll always be my little boy/girl to me.”

homophobic slurs to stop using today
Brian Kyed via Unsplash

It's understandable that a change such as your child's gender can be shocking. Especially when discussions of reassignment surgery, hormone therapy and legal measures (regarding name, insurance, official documents, etc.) follow. Fond memories of watching your child grow up will potentially feel like a "Before" and "After" and perhaps, your child will not remember those precious moments with the same fondness, as they will remember them as a time of closeted-ness. It is so crucial in helping your child to feel accepted for who they are, to let go of the "Before" and "After" mentality. Talking openly about your concerns, and listening to theirs will help you better understand each other's needs. Sometimes decisions about how best your child can live their life happily as their preferred gender will require several conversations and lots of research. Tackle those moments of doubt by listening to what your child needs. Help them find an LGBTQ+ network, and as their parent, talk to adults who went through the same thing at their age, and what they needed/wish they had, as far as parental support.

“That’s gay.”

Raphael Renter via Unsplash

This phrase has somewhat fallen out of fashion in the last ten years but it still comes up, particularly around the adolescent schoolyard. The sentiment is simple: all things stupid, inconvenient, weird, loud, gross, tedious, annoying, and so forth, are branded "gay" instead. With a vocabulary so rich and diverse with words that describe the things that irritate us, why continue to choose the word gay at all? It reinforces the notion that there's something inherently wrong with being gay. If you hear it said by someone you know or even someone you don't, it's easy to correct, "Did you mean (new word)?" or "Gay isn't a synonym for (new word)." Setting an example for your kids in this way, when they hear these pathogen-like phrases (especially when they're uttered by others in your presence), will help them not only learn not to say these things but also why it's important not to.

The “Reclaimed Slur”: “Fairy,” “Queen,” “Queer,” “Dyke,” “Faggot,” “Tranny,” “Cross-Dresser” 

homophobic slurs to quit using against the LGBTQ community
iStock

This last one is a little trickier than the others. Sometimes, you will hear members of the LGBT+ community use terms that seem offensive, or you've heard them used offensively before. There isn't one single opinion from the community about these terms. Some people find it liberating to use words that were once meant to damage them as a signifier of pride or self-love. Others prefer to leave homophobic slurs in the past. However, at one point in history, the words "Gay" and "Lesbian" were also slurs, so it's difficult to come down decidedly on one side of the argument or the other.

Ultimately, “slurs” can only be reclaimed by the parties they were originally used to bully. Even if you hear someone call themselves an offensive word, it does not mean they’ve permitted you to use that word to describe them as well. Communicate with your child, friend, or family member, and ask them how you should refer to them—there’s almost always a straightforward answer. Whether it be “Sometimes I call myself a dyke, but please call me a lesbian in conversation” or “I’m gay, but I also use the word queer, so you may too when talking about me.” 

As with any marginalized group, the best thing you can do to support the LGBT+ community is to listen to and amplify their voices whenever/wherever you can. Educating yourself is the first step to becoming an LGBTQ ally to those you care about.

Related: 14 Inspiring LGBTQ Books for Kids

Book the tickets and call the babysitter

Nothing says date night like dinner and a movie. And since you’ve seen every child-friendly release since your kids were born, here’s a list of movies for adults; to be seen in all their big-screen glory without a cartoon character in sight. And if you’re lucky, they’ll be shown at one of those theaters with the giant reclining chairs and a bar. Okay, maybe the chairs are a bad idea for exhausted parents, but may you find these showing in a theater you love, kick back with your favorite adult, and enjoy them without a kid telling you they need to go to the bathroom—again.

John Wick Chapter 4

Everyone loves Keanu, and there’s something so satisfying about watching him play a ruthless, vengeful hitman. Fans of the franchise have been waiting for Chapter 4—put on a two-year hiatus thanks to COVID. There are also rumors the last installment of the franchise won’t deliver a happy ending for its beloved main character.  March 24

Air

Air is a good date night movie.
Amazon Studios

 

The movie about how the iconic Air Jordan sneaker came to be is directed by Ben Affleck and is stacked with a star-studded cast, including Viola Davis, who Michael Jordan apparently insisted play his mother. Also starring Matt Damon, Jason Bateman, Chris Tucker, and Affleck himself. April 5

Paint

Paint is a good date night movie.
IFC Films

 

This is sadly not a Bob Ross biopic, but Owen Wilson channels everyone’s favorite public television painter for his role in Paint. It’s a fictional comedy about Carl Nagle, a painter with a public television show who is worried when a younger, cooler painter starts to steal his spotlight. The movie is not based on any of Ross’ real-life experiences, but it’s clearly inspired by him, and because of that, we’re all in.  April 7

Sweetwater

Sweetwater is the story of Hall of Famer Nat “Sweetwater” Clifton, who made history as the first Black basketball player to sign an NBA contract. He was the star player for the Harlem Globetrotters at the time. It stars Everett Osborne as Clifton, Jeremy Piven, Cary Elwes, and Richard Dreyfuss.  April 14

Indiana Jones & the Dial of Destiny

Who didn’t grow up with Indiana Jones? And who doesn’t want to see Harrison Ford revising his role as Jones for the first time since 2008? This is the first installment of the franchise not directed by Steven Spielberg and also stars Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Mads Mikkelsen, Shaunette Renée Wilson, and Antonio Banderas.  June 30

Mission: Impossible, Dead Reckoning

Paramount Pictures

 

Tom Cruise has been playing Ethan Hunt, a member of a fictional spy agency called Mission Force, since 1996. 1996! His role kicked off a franchise lasting almost three decades, and 2023 sees the seventh installment of the franchise hitting the screen, with Hunt no doubt jumping off cliffs while keeping the world safe. There is reportedly a stunt in the upcoming film that involves riding a motorcycle off a cliff in Switzerland, then turning into a base jump. The footage above proves it.  July 14

Oppenheimer

Cillian Murphy stars as Robert J. Oppenheimer in this biopic about the physicist and “father of the atomic bomb.” The star-packed cast includes Florence Pugh, Emily Blunt, Matt Damon, Robert Downey Jr., Rami Malek, and Josh Hartnett. Directed by Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Inception, Memento).  July 21

Barbie

Barbie is a good date night movie.
Warner Bros.

 

This trailer looks like a pink fever dream, and we are so here for it. Margot Robbie plays Barbie and Ryan Gosling is cast as her beau, Ken. The film’s supporting cast includes more exciting actors, including Issa Rae, America Ferrera, Kate McKinnon, and everyone’s favorite Marvel superhero, Simu Liu, in yet-to-be-revealed roles.  July 21

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3

The plot has been largely under wraps, but Deadline reported that Greece is the setting for Toula and Ian’s (John Corbett) daughter Paris’ wedding. The third film is dedicated to Michael Constantine (Toula’s father, Gus), who died in August 2021. It won’t be the same without Gus running around with his bottle of beloved Windex, but we can’t wait to see the sparks between Vardalos and Corbett again.  September 8

The Hunger Games: Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes

The fourth installment of the franchise focuses on a young Coriolanus Snow (originally played by Donald Sutherland). It follows Snow’s involvement in the games and is set 64 years before the events in the original series—which means Jennifer Lawrence won’t be reprising her role as Katniss Everdeen.  November 17

Wonka

Warner Bros.

It’s about time we got an origin story for the most famously devious chocolatier of all time. Timothée Chalamet will play a young Willy Wonka, and we’ll reportedly see how he crossed paths with the Ooompa Loompas and ended up with his impressively creepy factory. Also starring Olivia Colman, Sally Hawkins, Rowan Atkinson, and Keegan-Michael Key.  December 15

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom

Apparently, during the filming of the first Aquaman, Jason Momoa developed a story pitch for a sequel, and thanks to the huge success of the movie, it was greenlighted. Momoa is set to return to the big screen on the biggest movie day of the year, with Amber Heard as Mera and Ben Affleck reprising his role as Batman. “When an ancient power is unleashed, Aquaman must forge an uneasy alliance with an unlikely ally to protect Atlantis, and the world, from irreversible devastation.” Hopefully, the sequel will be just as jam-packed with slow-motion scenes of Aquaman emerging from the sea.  December 25

Legally Blonde 3

Reese Witherspoon will reprise her role as Elle Woods, and thank goodness, because who else could do this? The 2001 release brought us our favorite horoscope-obsessed, vegetarian law student who refused to let tired stereotypes and a remarkable jerk of an ex-boyfriend stand in her way of becoming a power lawyer. There’s no official release date yet, but the MGM site still says, “coming in 2023.”  TBD

 

Think back to the last time you and your significant other were able to spend time together one on one—free from household chores, weekend errands, parent-teacher conferences and after-school activities. If you’re struggling to pinpoint your last parents-only getaway, it’s time to schedule a much-needed break sans the kiddos.

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s the perfect opportunity to head to SCP Redmond Hotel for a weekend retreat centered on rest, relaxation and new adventures (that don’t include a kids’ park). Situated in Central Oregon, SCP Redmond Hotel offers holistic amenities focused on personal wellness and is local to romantic experiences, from ice skating and winery tastings to delicious locally-sourced dinners – the perfect setting to relax and reconnect to one another.

Read on to discover swoon-worthy plans that’ll help you break your typical date night routine this Valentine’s Day and beyond.

Table For Two

Delicious food and a bottle of bubbly is just the recipe you need for great conversation and solo time. Head to Terra Kitchen just next door to SCP Redmond Hotel for a plant-forward, farm-to-fork menu. The restaurant creates delectable dishes that nourish with locally-sourced and sustainable ingredients and offers an extensive list of Pacific Northwest wines and curated cocktails (some including botanicals from SCP Redmond Hotel’s own rooftop garden). Make a reservation to explore Oregon in a whole new way through their rotating seasonal menu. And for a memorable Valentine’s Day celebration, Terra Kitchen has curated a special pre-fixe menu, featuring butternut risotto, eggplant parmesan and Persian-style baklava to name a few of the evening selections.

Cold Hands, Warm Hearts

As we’ve learned from every rom-com, nothing says romance like a stroll through the town and a night of ice skating. Head to the Ice Skate Rink in downtown Redmond for an active yet whimsical evening and enjoy catchy tunes as you take on the rink hand-in-hand. Rent ice skates for $6 and head to the area anytime from 2 to 10 p.m. Friday and Saturday and 2 to 9 p.m. on Sundays. Take in the sites of the surrounding area, like the beautiful Centennial Park that’s right across the street. Top of the evening (and warm yourselves up!) with a winter sangria or hot toddy at Wayfarer Club.

Mind Over Matter

With SCP Redmond Hotel as your home base for the weekend, be sure to book the Peaceful King room to take advantage of the tranquil amenities included, from meditation pillows and sound machines to essential oil diffusers and Himalayan pink salt lamps. For an added layer of R&R, book the Wellness Package when scheduling your stay for two passes for yoga at the local Lovebird Yoga or Namaspa Yoga Community, a $20 food and beverage credit to any of the four eateries at the hotel, and early check-in and late check-out. Don’t forget to ask about the unique meditation room!

Perfect Pairing

Take in awe-inspiring views of the Cascade Mountains as you and your loved one sip on award-winning wines from Faith, Hope and Charity Vineyards & Winery. The sprawling 15-acre vineyard, which grows several varieties of grapes, hosts weekly live music events and offers stunning sights of the Three Sisters (originally named Faith, Hope and Charity). Try a flight of wines and reconnect to your roots as you learn about the special grape varieties and growing techniques that make the Central Oregon wine region so uniquely bold and flavorful.

Boots Are Made For Hiking

Winter hiking is a serene experience that’ll transport you and your spouse from the typical hustle and bustle mindset and into a state of serenity. At Smith Rock State Park, one of Oregon’s most iconic destinations, tackle the Wolf Tree Trail for fresh air, stunning geologic formations and quality alone time. The mile-long trek provides majestic views of Deschutes River and wonderful photo opportunities that’ll capture the moment forever. Keep an eye out for seasonal wildlife, such as bald eagles and falcons. At the end of your adventure, fuel up at SCP Redmond Hotel’s Provisions Market with a fresh, immune-boosting smoothie.

 

Book your couple’s getaway at SCP Redmond Hotel here and feel good about your stay. Through SCP Hotels’ Every Stay Does Good program, every visit helps create positive and meaningful change. With each booking, SCP will plant one tree in an unnaturally deforested area, provide one adolescent with well-being tools and resources and light the home of a family caring for a critically ill child for 24 hours.

Whether you need a day trip or have more time to spare, these are the best California winter road trips, and perhaps, dare we say, are even more fun than their summertime counterparts

As we locals know, winter in California is especially fun because you can find both snowy mountains and sunny beaches just a short(ish) drive away. From the sparkling beaches of Santa Barbara to the snow-covered mountain town of Big Bear, here are our favorite California winter road trip ideas to take with the kids.

The Best Winter Road Trips to Take from Los Angeles

1. Big Bear & Snow Summit

While we have a whole article dedicated to where to find snow near LA, worthwhile mentions include Big Bear Mountain and Snow Valley below. Both are chock full of winter activities and sports for the whole family. Stay for the day or easily spend a few days learning new skills. Beginner shredders can take snowboard lessons (from age four years old and up) and avid skiers and snowboarders can take a half or full-day lessons at either Bear Mountain or Snow Summit. 

Online: bigbearmountainresort.com

Related: Your 48-Hour Itinerary of What to Do in Big Bear during the Winter Is Here

2. Snow Valley Mountain Resort

This smaller mountain is great for snow angels just beginning their snow-journey. It's also less crowded than big brother mountain (Big Bear). For the little ones, head to the Children's Learning Center where snow bunnies can learn to ski or snowboard. Moreover, there's a snow play area where you can enjoy Southern California’s only chairlift-serviced sledding area. After the scenic chairlift ride, you get to whiz down the longest downhill sled ride in the region.

Online: snowvalley.com

The Best Road Trips from Los Angeles in the Winter

3. Santa Barbara

If you'd rather skip the snow and freezing temps for some beachfront fun this winter, look no further than Santa Barbara for a relaxing family getaway. We recommend staying at Hotel Santa Barbara or The Wayfarer, or if you swing full-on luxury, stay at Four Seasons The Biltmore Santa Barbara.

Online: santabarbaraca.com

4. Ojai

If you're looking for a serene getaway that's off the beaten path and immersed in nature, Ojai is the destination for you. Located about an hour and a half from Los Angeles, this charming town has a super chill vibe. Go hiking, biking, or horseback riding, and bask in the warm winter weather while soaking up all the outdoor recreation Ojai has to offer. 

Online: ojaivisitors.com

5. Oxnard

Looking for a small beach town vibe? About an hour north of Los Angeles, you'll find Oxnard's Hollywood Beach with its sprawling sandy shores and laidback, locals-only feel. Daily highs during the winter months hover around the mid-60s, which may be a bit too cold for swimming, but it's perfect for flying kites, splashing in the waves, and building castles in the sand. 

Online: oxnard.org

6. Coronado Island

Nicknamed the "Crown City," Coronado earns its regal title due to its majestic beaches (complete with golden, glittering sand) and grand resorts. Located just ten minutes from downtown San Diego, this amazing destination is reachable via a short ferry ride or drive over the Coronado Bridge—but you’ll definitely feel like you’ve gone on a relaxing vacation a world away.

Online: coronadovisitorcenter.com

Related: Why Our Editors Love Loews Coronado Bay Resort When They Visit Coronado Island

best glamping near Los Angeles
Andie Huber

7. Joshua Tree

Check a visit to the stunning Joshua Tree National Park off your bucket list this season. Winter is a great time to hike this desert terrain featuring towering boulders, and picturesque cacti and trees. For a hike, the one-mile loop trail through Hidden Valley is a good introduction for little ones. Start your adventure at the West entrance, then work your way along the road, exiting the park at the South. If you want to spend a few nights, see why our editor's recommend staying at AutoCamp Joshua Tree—the closest overnight spot to the Western entrance, this glamping spot is complete with modern Airstream trailers, fire pits, and a marketplace full of yummy treats and food.

Online: nps.gov

The Best Winter Getaway from Los Angeles

8. Solvang

Solvang, aka the "Danish Capital of America," has a lot more going for it than a photo-worthy windmill. While the town still has plenty of kitschy charm worth checking out (and the pastries!), there's also a nearby miniature horse farm, an ostrich farm, and a Viking-inspired playground, all worth the visit. See where our editor's love to stay, eat and drink in Solvang—all with kids in tow.

Online: solvangusa.com

The Best Winter Getaways from Southern California

9. Lake Tahoe

Tahoe is the ultimate winter vacation destination as there are loads of skiing options, snowy sledding hills, and cozy hot tubs to relax in after the day's activities. Thinking about hitting up Northstar? It boasts a ton of comfy lodging options for you and the fam and most rooms come with a mini kitchen so you can cook up your own hot cocoa. Looking for more of a luxury experience, check into the Ritz-Carlton Lake Tahoe mid-mountain at Northstar. Expect five-star Ritz-Carlton service, with ski-in-ski-out convenience, plus a spa worth bribing your significant other to take the kids for a couple of hours. No matter where you stay, Northstar is a great mountain for skiing and snowboarding—from beginners to shredders. 

Online: tahoe.com

10. Yosemite

The winter is a great time of year to head to Yosemite as the crowds have gone and the area is blanketed with snow (if you are lucky). Read our A-to-Z guide for visiting Yosemite, including our favorite places to stay and eat. 

Online: nps.gov

11. Siskiyou County

Head north past Redding (but not without making a stop at the Redding Garden of Lights detailed below) to the tranquil county of Siskiyou that extends to the California-Oregon border. Here you'll find gorgeous hikes like the Hedge Creek Falls Trail in Dunsmuir and the McCloud Falls Trail. Spend some time fishing for trout and exploring all of the outdoor adventures that the area has to offer. When you want to stay the night, we love the vintage cabooses turned into sleeping compartments at Railroad Park in Dunsmuir. 

Online: discoversiskiyou.com

Here are all the scary movies you should watch for a Halloween date night

The jumps, the scares, the gross-outs, the blasphemy—horror movies truly have it all. But if you’re a parent with younger kiddos, you know they’re likely still not on board with ghouls and guts on screen. While they might gladly watch The Nightmare Before Christmas and other generally not-so-spooky Halloween movies, most will draw the line at anything actually scary. It’s understandable, but that means we have to save our horror flicks for after kiddo bedtimes or even better, for date nights. Whether you’re into slashers or zombies, ghosts or gore, we’ve gathered some of the best scary movies to watch right now.

Halloween Ends (or any of the Halloween films)

John Carpenter is undoubtedly a king of the horror genre, and his characters (Michael Myers and Laurie Strode) are back in the final installment of the Halloween series, aptly titled Halloween Ends. The new film comes out on October 14th in theaters (and streaming on Peacock), but you can always watch where it all began online via Shudder.

Pearl

A24 is known for releasing superb horror films and Pearl is among them. Directed by Ti West, this psychological slasher flick follows a young woman living on a farm who’s hoping for more out of life and will do anything to get it. While this film is in theaters, it is a prequel to West’s previous film, X, which you can watch on Showtime (though you’ll have to decide which order to watch them in yourself).

His House

His House is a scary movie to watch on Netflix
Netflix

This frightening film is about a South Sudanese refugee couple trying to adjust to life in an English town where evil afoot works to scare you on so many levels and will have you gripping onto your significant other throughout. Starring Wunmi Mosako, Sope Dirisu, and Matt Smith, it’s available on Netflix and is among the highest-rated films on this list (seriously how many horror movies get a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes?)

Related: 13 Scary Flicks for Your Budding Horror Movie Fan

Barbarian

Starring Bill Skarsgård, Georgina Campbell, and Justin Long, this creepy movie poses the question: what if your next Airbnb already had a stranger in it, and you decided to stay there anyways? If it sounds a tad ridiculous, that’s because it is, but it also makes for a great watch (just make sure to avoid spoilers). It’s in theaters now, but if your sitter cancels, you can watch a fantastic thriller with a slightly similar premise called The Rental on Netflix.

Smile

I’m not sure why the sight of someone grinning can become so creepy if held for too long, but this horror movie makes them all spookier. Based on the 2020 short film Laura Hasn’t Slept (also directed by newcomer Parker Finn), the film follows a doctor who begins to have bizarre, haunting encounters after witnessing the death of a patient. Watch in theaters.

No One Gets Out Alive

No One Gets Out Alive is a scary movie on netflix
Netflix

This 2021 film about an undocumented immigrant woman finding herself unable to leave a haunted Cleveland boarding house is as terrifying as it is frustrating (but mostly, it’s terrifying). Based on the novel of the same name written by Adam Nevill, director Santiago Menghini’s film will have you jumping and, by the end, having lots to talk about. Catch it on Netflix.

Related: TV Shows Every Mom Should Binge-Watch

Train to Busan

Okay, this one isn’t new but it’s fully worth the watch seeing as it’s a. currently streaming on Amazon (and many other places), b. about a parent trying to keep their child safe during a zombie attack on a moving train, and c. an excellent example of award-winning Korean horror. P.S. A sequel called Train to Busan: Peninsula was released in 2020, in case you’re itching to find out what happens next.

Ouija: Origin of Evil

Busy parents don’t always have time to binge-watch the latest Netflix horror series—although if you do, let me heartily recommend the Mike Flanagan shows including this year’s The Midnight Club. If you only have time for a quick date night movie of his, though, try Ouija: Origin of Evil available on Netflix. The film is about a girl who becomes possessed by a spirit thanks to her family’s use of an ouija board and gives you a taste of the Flanaverse.

The It Series

Few things are scarier than clowns, especially to grown-ups who grew up in the ’90s and were traumatized by Tim Curry in his most terrifying role (rent it on Amazon). But if you want to watch where director Andy Muschietti’s phenomenal remake of Stephen King’s tale of a clown that terrorizes a group of kids into adulthood, you’ve got a chance. It (2017) is currently on Netflix, while It: Chapter Two is streaming on HBO Max.

The Witch

Filmmaker Robert Eggers outdid himself with this slow-burn horror about an isolated religious family living in a remote cabin in 1630s New England. When their son vanishes in the woods, the family begins to suspect their daughter might’ve had something to do with it, and it only gets more and more chilling. Available on HBO Max.

 

The most consistent finding in peak performance literature is the direct, positive relationship between confidence and success. Research doesn’t say success causes confidence, but it clearly tells us that outstanding performers are confident.

Confidence is all about believing in ourselves. It’s having realistic faith that we can make anything happen, fulfill our dream, and reach our goal. Society teaches us we need to have successful results to become confident and it’s natural to pass that belief on to our kids and youth sport team members. But what if I said confidence can be created through an intentional process and doesn’t have to be solely based on winning the game, match, or tournament?

Brain science tells us that confidence is a choice. Helping kids choose to create their confidence doesn’t guarantee they’ll always play great, but it does give them the best opportunity to perform closer to their potential (and have more fun).

Here are seven tips for creating confidence in kids:

1. Reinforce & Reward Effort
Sometimes it’s easier to reinforce effort during practice than during competition when we naturally tend to focus more on outcomes, like making a goal in soccer. By creating a plan to emphasize effort during competition and reward effort after competition, you will increase levels of motivation and fun.

  • Pre-determine regular intervals—like the end of a quarter or half-time—to check in with kids and ask them to rate their effort.
  • Develop a system to reward effort, like a hustle award, and not just outcomes, such as stickers for making touchdowns.
  • On the car ride home, ask younger kids if they tried their hardest and ask older kids to rate their effort on a scale of 1-10.

2. Focus on Self-improvement
One of the top three reasons kids play sports is to improve. To help kids improve, we need to create a mastery-oriented environment where they feel successful when they learn something new or experience skills improvement. A mastery-oriented environment is about “me vs. myself” rather than “me compared to others.”

When kids improve skills, they also build their confidence. We can help kids accomplish both by creating optimal levels of challenge—or opportunities requiring them to stretch one level beyond their current skill or aptitude. We can model what we do after the video game industry, which gradually increases levels of challenge to keep kids engaged and builds skills and confidence in the process.

  • Track and celebrate progression by charting and sharing important statistics in your sport.
  • Ask kids to set up a practice activity, or game, to create their own level-up challenge.
  • Record videos of kids swinging, throwing, shooting, etc. to show them visible skill-improvement over time.

3. Celebrate the Good & the Great
Emotions are like a highlighter on the brain. We best recall experiences attached to strong emotions, whether positive or negative. The more we help kids store positive memories by celebrating the good and great, the more they’ll be able to recall those positive memories the next time they need them. Keep in mind that celebrating may be visible “on the outside” in the form of a high-five or fist-bump, but it also happens “on the inside” through positive self-talk and imagery.

  • Ask kids how they plan to celebrate the good and great. Have them show you how they plan to visibly celebrate and, for older kids, help them determine what they plan to imagine or say to themselves to help store positive memories.
  • ​​​​​​​At the start of each practice, have team members show you how they’ll celebrate the good and great.

During practice, or throughout the day, catch kids doing something right.​​​​​​​

4. Model & Develop a Growth Mindset
Dr. Carol Dweck coined the phrase and wrote a book about the growth mindset, which is seen in kids who believe new skills can be developed through practice, embrace challenges as opportunities to learn, and think effort is essential. On the contrary, kids with a fixed mindset think skills are something you’re born with, avoid challenges out of fear of failure, and believe effort is something you do when you’re not good enough. Her research shows young people with a growth mindset continually outperform young people who have a fixed mindset.

  • Be intentional about modeling the use of the phrases “YET” and “not YET.” Teach kids to use these phrases as they’re developing skills. For example: “I’m on the right track, but I’m not there YET.” “I may not be good at biking YET. But I will keep improving with practice.”

5. Practice Confident Body Posture
Research tells us our physiology can affect our psychology. That is, how we sit and stand, as well as our facial expressions, can trigger chemicals in our body which affect how we think and feel. For example: sitting up straight in a chair gives us more confidence in our thoughts; two minutes of power poses a day can boost feelings of confidence; and choosing to smile can help us feel happier.

  • Have your child create their own “power pose”—a physical position they stand in when they feel confident. Challenge them to use their power pose throughout practice or their school day.
  • ​​​​​​​Lead an activity where kids experiment with different facial expressions. Ask them to notice how they feel. Encourage them to incorporate a facial expression into their power pose.
  • Develop and practice a confident walk. Ask them to think about a performer in their sport or activity who is confident—and then not confident—and walk around the room like they are that person.

6. Give Specific, Skill-based Feedback
Coaches tend to give a different type and frequency of feedback to players they perceive to have different levels of ability. When we have expectations that a young person is good or has the potential to be a high performer, we tend to give improvement focused feedback more often. On the flip side, when we believe a young person is not very good or doesn’t have potential, we give less feedback and it’s usually “good job” feedback that doesn’t help them improve. How we give feedback can contribute to a self-fulfilling prophecy where good performers get better, and poor performers don’t.

  • Be intentional about giving specific, skill-based feedback in similar doses to each of your kids. Increase your awareness of how you give feedback by asking your spouse/significant other/coaching colleagues what they notice. Also, if you’re a coach, videotape yourself coaching in practice
  • ​​​​​​​At the end of a class or practice, take five minutes to get feedback from students. Ask what they learned today and what feedback you gave them that will help them improve. Listen to what they say and provide specific, skill-based feedback, if needed.
  • Based on the day’s objectives, create a coaching/teaching cue card to carry in your pocket. Look at the card as a reminder to provide specific, skill-based feedback to each kid, or team member, regardless of their current skill level.

7. Re-frame Mistakes, or Losing, as Learning
There are countless stories about great performers who have failed, messed up, or lost hundreds or thousands of times. They’ve been coached, or learned on their own, that failures and setbacks are essential for growth and development. The more we can support kids as they make mistakes and help them reframe losing as learning versus losing as failing, the more they’ll persist and improve. Helping kids separate who they are from how they perform can increase their motivation and retention.

  • Share examples of well-known athletes, artists, or musicians who “failed” before they become highly successful. For example, Hall of Famer, Michael Jordan, was cut from his high school basketball team; Thomas Edison made 1,000 unsuccessful attempts at inventing the light bulb; and Oprah Winfrey was once demoted from co-anchor to a writing and reporting position.
  • ​​​​​​​Challenge kids to think about other sports or areas of life they’re currently good or great at. Ask them to share how good they were when they first started and what they’ve done to improve. Make the connection between effort, practice, and skill development.
  • After every performance, tell your kids how much you enjoyed watching them play, regardless of the outcome.

Getting confidence from winning games, or hearing positive statements from others, is great when it happens. However, it’s almost always outside of our circle of control. By intentionally and consistently applying these seven tips for creating confidence, you can help your kids create confidence today rather than wait to get confidence that may never arrive.

Beth Brown, Ph.D., is a life-long educator on a mission to inspire families and kids to have fun, become more active and learn life lessons through sports in her children’s book series Adventures with Divot & Swish.