Maybe baby’s arrival has left you with more kids than bedrooms. Or, maybe you’re hoping to promote an early bond between baby and an older sibling. No matter the reason, transitioning siblings into the same room is a major milestone. But it’s not one you have to lose sleep over—at least not for long with these tips to make sibling room-sharing as peaceful as possible for baby, sibling and you.
Time It Right
While there’s no magic age for moving kids in together, many veteran moms suggest waiting until your baby is sleeping through the night to make the move. Not needing to enter the room in the middle of the night to feed the baby minimizes the potential of disrupting your older child’s sleep. If your baby is still waking in the middle of the night when you make the shift to room-sharing, be prepared to get to them as quickly as possible to (hopefully) keep the big sibling sleeping soundly.
Do the Prep Work
Before you clear floorspace for a crib, ease reluctant older siblings into the idea of sharing a room with the baby ahead of time. Let the other sibling know what to expect and how they can help. Making them feel like the big (important!) part of the process will encourage a warm welcome for the baby. Additionally, help baby transition as seamlessly as possible by keeping their sleeping space familiar. If they are in a bassinet or co-sleeper in your room, set up the crib in your room and allow them to get used to that arrangement for a few weeks before making the move to a new room.
Safety First
While it can be tempting to hurry the transition process along, it’s imperative to know that your baby can maintain a safe sleeping environment in his new room. (This is especially important if the “older” sibling is still a toddler or preschooler.) Little ones can be tempted to climb into the baby’s crib or even offer the baby a small toy that could pose a choking hazard. Before you decide to take the sibling room-sharing plunge, talk with the older sibling about what they can and can’t do with their little brother or sister. For extra peace of mind, consider installing a video monitor to keep a watchful eye on what’s happening behind closed doors.
Keep It Real
Throwing two (or more) of your children into the same room and expecting them to fall asleep and stay asleep easily from the get-go is the stuff that parents’ dreams are made of, but not likely reality. Changing your child’s sleep routine is never easy. The best thing you can do to guarantee an ultimately successful shared room is to stick with it. It can take a few weeks for the baby and the older sibling to adjust to the new bedtime routine. If you find yourself desperately wondering, “Will anyone ever sleep again?!” take heart and stay consistent. Everyone will sleep soundly again—eventually.
Set the Stage
Making the room as restful as possible will go a long way in keeping baby and sibling asleep through the night. Darken the room with blackout blinds or curtains, maintain a comfortable temperature, and add a white noise machine to muffle coughs or snores.
Stagger Sleep Schedules
When two children share the same room, it can be tempting to try to make them share a sleep schedule, but it’s important to honor each child’s sleeping needs and bedtime routine. If the baby is tired an hour before an older sibling, take care of the baby’s bedtime routine first then use the extra time to connect with your older child. Or, if baby naps frequently during the day and stays up later than brother or sister, put your older child down first. To make this work, plan on doing each child’s bedtime routine—putting on pajamas, reading stories, cuddling—in a room other than the one they will be sleeping in to minimize disruptions. Other options to consider: putting the heaviest sleeper to bed first to avoid rousing the sleeping sibling.
Separate Them—Sometimes
If you think getting two kids to sleep in the same room at night sounds tough, getting them to nap while they’re within arm’s reach of each other can feel impossible. Instead of struggling through the nap time process every day, get creative with nap time arrangements. Set up a pack ’n play in your room or in a closet for the baby, or have the older sibling nap on your bed or on a sofa in a quiet room.
Be Flexible
A teething episode, a bout with the flu, or even a bad dream can throw a wrench into a peaceful night of room-sharing. Expect the unexpected and have a Plan B. Keep a playpen tucked away in your room or be willing to set up an older sibling’s bed on the living room couch on occasion.
Make sure to capture all the sweetest room-sharing moments—and share them with your family and friends near and far—with the Tinybeans app. The secure platform puts parents in total control of who sees and interacts with photos and videos of their kids.
You know why there’s nothing sweeter than a sleeping baby? Because it takes so much work to make sleep happen. Healthy, consistent sleep habits are key for getting your baby in a good groove for snoozing. To do it, set up a calming bedtime routine, buy a white noise machine to drown out distractions, and read what these two prominent sleep experts have to say in this baby sleep guide for year one.
Dr. Harvey Karp is a pediatrician, child development expert, co-founder of smart-tech and parenting solutions company Happiest Baby, which created the SNOO Smart Sleeper Bassinet, and author of The Happiest Baby Guide to Great Sleep. Renee Wasserman, P.T., M.P.H, is an infant & child sleep consultant and child behavior consultant, as well as the founder of the consulting practice SleepyHead Solutions, where she helps parents overcome sleep challenges with their babies and toddlers. Read on for their advice and our guide to baby sleep in the first year, from awake windows and naps to sleep regressions and the sleep tools that really work.
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The good news: There are things we can do to help our babies sleep well. “Learning to sleep on your own is a skill just like learning to crawl or walk, and it takes lots of practice, consistency, and patience,” says Wasserman. “With the right plan looking at the sleep environment, routine, timing of feedings, schedule and approach to teach the skill of independent sleep, healthy sleep is achievable by all.”
Babies can differ when it comes to sleep patterns, but these guidelines will give you an idea of what to expect from naps and wake times, and how to create a healthy sleep routine for your baby. If you’re concerned about your baby’s sleep patterns, talk to your pediatrician.
Newborn Sleep Tips: Birth to 2 months
Total sleep a day:14-18 hours Awake window between naps: 30 minutes to 1.5 hours Naps: 45 minutes to 3 hours, several naps a day Sleep help: swaddling, white noise, motion (smart bassinet, rocking, bouncing on a yoga ball), Dr. Karp’s the 5 S’s, described below
Newborns are usually up every 2-3 hours, even at night, which gradually extends to 3- to 5-hour stretches of nighttime sleep. To help newborns learn the difference between day and night, keep lights brighter by day, take sunny morning walks, and play upbeat music. In the evening, dim the lights and plan calmer activities, like baths, and stick to soft music and lullabies, as well as white noise.
Between birth and four months, Dr. Karp recommends the soothing technique he developed called the 5 S’s to turn on baby’s calming reflex and promote sleep. The 5 S’s are:
⚬ Swaddling—it decreases startling and re-creates the womb’s coziness.
⚬ Side/stomach position—you’ll calm a crying baby more quickly in these two positions, but, for safety, babies must be put on their back for sleep.
⚬ Shushing—making shushing noises with your mouth will soothe a fussy baby, and white noise re-creates the shushing sound that blood flow makes in the womb.
⚬ Swinging—to calm a crying child, support baby’s head and neck, and use fast, tiny swinging motions no more than one inch to each side (do this safely, no shaking).
⚬ Sucking—Whether they’re using a pacifier, their thumb, or your pinky finger, sucking soothes babies into sleep.
Total sleep a day: 13-14 hours Awake window between naps: 1.5 to 2.5 hours Naps: 30 minutes to 2 hours, 2-3 naps a day Sleep help: white noise, blackout shades, Dr. Karp’s 5 S’s, introducing a sleep and feeding schedule, teaching your baby to self-soothe
Introduce a consistent daily schedule of feedings and sleep times. Picking up on your baby’s sleep cues (yawning or rubbing their eyes) will help you establish the schedule. And blackout shades can help babies sleep when the sun is shining. This is also a good time to introduce a sleep routine to signal to your child that it’s time for rest. Before naps, you can sing, read a book, and cuddle. The bedtime routine should be longer and can incorporate a bath, lullaby, baby massage, nursing or a bottle, soft music, white noise, and books.
A key part of creating good sleep habits is teaching babies to fall asleep independently, rather than always rocking, feeding or holding them until they fall asleep. It’s normal for children, and adults, to wake up between sleep cycles. So when babies wake, we make it easier for them to fall back asleep by putting babies to bed drowsy but awake.
“If they fall asleep while taking a bottle and then wake during the night and the bottle is gone, it often results in them crying for the bottle,” says Wasserman. “If they fall asleep on their own after being put in the crib drowsy but awake, when they wake during the night, they will be in the exact same position they were in when they fell asleep, making it easier for them to get right back to sleep.”
In fact, Dr. Karp recommends that if your baby falls asleep before being placed in their bed, wake them slightly after you lay them down, by changing their diaper, putting your cool hand on their head, or giving them a little tickle. Baby will open their eyes, moan, or move your hand before falling back to sleep.
“I know it sounds crazy to wake a sleeping baby,” says Dr. Karp. “But it helps infants learn how to self-soothe, which they can use in the middle of the night to put themselves back into slumber all on their own.”
At this age, babies are typically sleeping for 5- to 6-hour stretches, but watch out for that four-month sleep regression. Regressions usually last 2-4 weeks and typically coincide with exciting developmental and physical changes. According to Wasserman, the four-month regression generally happens as baby’s internal sleep rhythms start to settle. This can require changing your schedule so naps and nighttime sleep are better in sync with your child’s natural sleep rhythms.
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4-8 months
Total sleep a day: 12-14 hours Awake window between naps: 2-3 hours Naps: 30 minutes to 2 hours, 2-3 naps Sleep help: White noise, consistent naps, and a sleep schedule allowing your baby to self-soothe
Sleep stretches of 6-8 hours are possible at this age. But babies typically start teething around this time, so wake-ups can be due to discomfort. Try chilled teethers and give extra cuddles to soothe your little one back to sleep.
When your baby cries out from the crib, wait a moment before rushing to comfort them. Yes, it will feel like the longest seconds of your life. But here’s why it’s important: Your baby may be able to self-soothe to get back to sleep, thanks to all the work you’ve been doing to put them down drowsy but awake.
If you suspect hunger is waking your baby at night, make sure they’re feeding well before bedtime to fill them up. You can also introduce a dream feed, which means nursing or giving your half-asleep baby a bottle before you go to bed for the night.
At 8-9 months, prepare for another sleep regression. According to Wasserman, this regression is usually tied to babies dropping their third nap. She recommends moving bedtime a little earlier to keep your little one from becoming overtired as they get used to being awake longer before bed.
Total sleep a day: 12-14 hours Awake window between naps: 2.5-4 hours Naps: 1-2 hours, 2-3 per day Sleep help: White noise, consistent naps, and a sleep schedule allowing your baby to self-soothe
As babies approach the one-year mark, they may be sleeping up to 7-10 hours at a stretch, and it will feel as glorious for you as it sounds. But don’t get too comfortable because, with walking and other exciting baby milestones and developmental leaps on the horizon, sleep may get interrupted again.
Around 12 months, another sleep regression is likely. This one is usually linked to learning to walk and may result in your baby refusing to nap. Wasserman recommends not giving up on naps or switching to one nap just yet. Instead, hang tight and be consistent with two naps as your baby moves through this regression in a few weeks.
The happy ending to this wild year? Understanding your baby’s natural sleep rhythms, creating a soothing environment for rest, building an adaptable schedule of sleep and feedings, and teaching your baby to self-soothe and sleep independently have built a foundation of good sleep habits that will help your child (and you!) sleep well for years to come.
There used to be this thing called sleep that we would get at night before any number of tiny humans came into the picture. You probably vaguely remember it. It was nice. But small kids and a good night’s sleep rarely go hand-in-hand, which leaves many parents scrambling to find a solution for their nighttime woes. It’s one thing to have a baby who wakes in the wee hours—we’re repeatedly warned about that—but what about a toddler whose stalling leads to a two-hour bedtime routine, or school-aged kids bolting awake multiple times a night? A lot of parents are taking matters into their own hands, turning to melatonin for some bedtime help. So, does it work? And, more importantly, is melatonin safe for kids?
To learn more about the risks and benefits of melatonin use in children, we spoke to Dr. Sara Siddiqui, a pediatrician at Hassenfeld Children’s Hospital in New York.
What is melatonin and how does it help with sleep?
“Melatonin is a hormone that is naturally found in the body to assist with circadian sleep rhythm and falling asleep,” Siddiqui explains. When you purchase melatonin gummies, pills, or tablets, you’re getting a synthetic version of that hormone that delivers a similar result.
Essentially, melatonin supplements create a signal that bedtime is here—think of it like sending a memo to your brain that says it’s time to get some shut-eye. When you’re dealing with jet lag, for example, it can be really helpful in coaxing your body to fall asleep at a different time than it’s used to. However, Siddiqui points to research indicating that taking melatonin does not help people stay asleep or get better quality rest during the night, which means it won’t stop your four-year-old from bouncing out of bed at 4 a.m. ready to start their day.
Is melatonin bad for kids?
Melatonin can be appropriate for kids when it’s given in the correct dose and only on occasion. “As a pediatrician, I understand the issues with children and sleep,” Siddiqui says. “Some children over the age of 2 may need supplementation of melatonin to assist in falling asleep for a brief period of time.”
While taking melatonin regularly isn’t something that most doctors or sleep experts recommend for children (or adults, for that matter), there’s a time and place for it. “I do recommend melatonin for certain children who are having difficulty falling asleep for various reasons,” Siddiqui says. “Perhaps a stressful event, or a change in environment, a new sibling, or a change in behavior.” It’s also been shown to help kids with ADHD or autism spectrum disorder who have sleep disturbances. Siddiqui stresses that melatonin should be used under the supervision of a pediatrician or another doctor specializing in children’s health, adding that it should be given temporarily and in low doses.
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It’s also important to remember that because melatonin is a supplement, not a prescription drug, it’s not regulated by the FDA the same way pediatric ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and other medications are. This means there is no regulatory oversight on the content of melatonin gummies or tablets, and parents can’t be sure that they’re buying a safe, high-quality product. A study published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine looking at 31 melatonin supplements found that 71% of the products had more than 10% variance from the amount of melatonin they claimed to contain—and a quarter of the products also contained unauthorized (and unlabelled) serotonin!
Basically, it’s a bit of a Wild West where melatonin is concerned, but if it’s used temporarily under the guidance of your pediatrician the risks should be low. The biggest issue is when it’s taken casually or on a regular basis.
How much melatonin is safe for kids?
Siddiqui recommends speaking to your child’s doctor for personalized advice before offering them melatonin. Generally speaking, the typical dosage for kids aged 2-5 would be 1-2mg. A school-aged child may be given slightly more—perhaps 1-3mg—whereas someone over the age of 13 could take anywhere from 1-5mg in a single dose. Most medical professionals will recommend a low dose to start with. Because melatonin supplements differ by brand and all children are different, individualized guidance from a pediatrician is ideal.
Are there melatonin side effects for kids?
Most kids won’t have side effects from taking melatonin supplements, but some will experience headaches, increased bedwetting, nightmares, dizziness, agitation, or grogginess. Luckily, these symptoms typically subside as soon as they stop taking the melatonin supplement. Some researchers have speculated that melatonin can affect puberty-related hormones in children (due to similar findings in studies on animals) but there is no firm evidence and no long-term clinical trials have been conducted to date.
Can children overdose on melatonin?
Unfortunately, melatonin overdoses can and do happen—especially because kids and seniors are more sensitive to these supplements. Fortunately, the risk to their health is fairly low. “While [melatonin] overdoses can lead to excessive sleepiness, headaches, nausea, or agitation, luckily they aren’t dangerous most of the time,” according to Harvard Medical School.
Still, given the lack of regulatory oversight and extensive long-term research, this doesn’t mean that over-the-counter melatonin is completely safe. “Many sleep problems can be better managed with a change in schedules, habits, or behaviors rather than taking melatonin,” the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM) stressed in a recent health advisory.
If you do choose to give your kids melatonin, be sure to discuss it with your family doctor first and always stick to the recommended dosage for your child’s age and/or weight. Don’t cut melatonin gummies or tablets in half since this can lead to inconsistent dosing.
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Other ways to help kids sleep
We understand why exhausted moms and dads are reaching for melatonin, but if it’s late-night Googling that brought you to the supplement you’ve probably also seen the term “sleep hygiene” thrown around—and research indicates that good sleep hygiene is way more effective when it comes to improving your kiddo’s sleep.
“Sleep issues in children are quite common,” Siddiqui says. “The practice of sleep hygiene and good sleep habits is so important to develop from an early age or any time there seems to be a disruption in sleep regulation.”
So what is sleep hygiene? It’s forming the good habits that help your body pick up on those time-for-sleep signals and release its own melatonin, which it does mostly as a result of being in the dark. She recommends:
a quiet period with no screen time for at least one hour before bedtime
a sound sleep routine consisting of a bath and bedtime story
teaching self-soothing techniques to help kids fall asleep and fall back asleep if they wake in the night
a consistent bedtime and awake time in the morning (yes, even on the weekend—we’re sorry)
Siddiqui also notes that sleep patterns will vary by age, so always start by asking your doctor for guidance if you have concerns about your kid’s health or sleep habits. Good luck and good night!
A quick story: When Aubrey and Anne brought home their first baby, they didn’t know all that much about what to expect. Sure, they were aunt and uncle to a few nieces and nephews, but barely any of their friends had kids. So the thought of putting little Milo on any kind of baby sleep schedule had never crossed their minds. Ignorance is bliss, right?
Until it’s not. Once their infant was around six months, the new parents were feeling increasingly frazzled as he’d stopped sleeping through the night and their schedules were completely ruled by his sleep whims. “Well, what’s his sleep schedule?” Aubrey’s sister asked one day. Huh? Maaaybe they’d missed something along the way.
Let’s be honest, a sleep schedule isn’t entirely for your little one—it’s also crucial for parents who have to plan their days around daycare runs, work, and activities. But if we had all the time (and nannies) in the world, would it matter if our babies skipped the schedule completely? How important is a routine for a growing babe? Here’s what the experts have to say.
What is a baby sleep schedule?
Essentially, it’s a predictable routine for when your baby sleeps and when they’re awake, catered to their age and personal preferences. A sleep schedule loosely (or very rigidly, for some parents) defines their nap times, bedtime, and wake time.
Dr. Wendi S. Defrank, a pediatrician at Children’s Hospital New Orleans, says, “Infants need between 10-12 hours of sleep per night.” Add to that 2-4 hours of daytime sleep for babies aged 4-12 months, according to The American Academy of Pediatrics, and you’re looking at 12-16 total hours of sleep per 24-hour period. So, with all this sleeping (supposedly) happening, should parents get out their colored pencils and start crafting a naptime flow chart?
Sleep schedules can mean different things to different people, says Deanna Buley, Sleep Guide Manager at Batelle Sleep School. She explains that the most popular options are by-the-clock schedules, those based on age-appropriate wake windows, and parents or caregivers relying on sleep cues. Here’s how they work.
By-the-clock schedule:
This schedule is very predictable as it sticks to the same consistent naptimes and bedtimes every day. The good news is you can plan outings or playdates in advance knowing your baby will have consistent wake and sleep times. The not-so-good news is that this routine can cause some stress when trying to adhere to its strict nature. Unfortunately, babies don’t run quite like clockwork, but the by-the-clock schedule works for some.
Wake window schedule:
“This schedule can be more flexible since it’s based on following your child’s natural rhythm using science and anecdotal evidence to guide parents on the times of day when they should look for sleep cues,” says Buley. A wake window is the amount of time your little one is awake in between naps and between their last nap and bedtime. While there are suggested wake windows, these times vary from baby to baby. On Happiest Baby, pediatrician and bestselling author Dr. Harvey Karp lists wake windows as follows:
Newborn: 45 to 60 Minutes
1-2 Months: 1 to 2 Hours
3-4 Months: 75 Minutes to 2.5 Hours
5-7 Months: 2 to 4 Hours
8-10 Months: 2.5 to 4.5 Hours
As Buley explains, tracking these wake windows in combination with watching for sleep cues like eye rubbing and yawning can provide you with a more adjustable schedule as your baby’s needs change.
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Sleep cue schedule:
Some parents rely solely on their ability to spot sleep cues like fidgeting and fussing before putting their child down to nap. According to sleep consultant Amanda Jewson, founder of Baby’s Best Sleep, there are two phases of cues to look for in older babies. Early cues, which happen first, are the ones you want to catch to get your baby to bed without tipping into overtired territory. These include:
Reduced Activity: less movement and play.
Quieter Vocalization: decreased cooing or babbling.
Yawning.
Slower Motions.
Loss of Interest in toys, activities, and even people.
Clinginess: wants to be held more, or gets upset when put down.
Cuddling: seeking comfort from familiar objects like a blanket or stuffed animal.
Once you get to the later cues, you might be looking at a more challenging naptime or bedtime if your little one is overtired. These include:
Irritability and increased fussiness.
Crying or Whining: intensified vocal expressions of discomfort.
Rubbing Eyes or Face.
Thumb Sucking: If the baby uses this as a self-soothing mechanism, it can be a late sign of tiredness.
Resisting Comfort: They might resist efforts to calm them down.
Not only does your baby’s sleep offer you a little shuteye, but it’s also crucial for their development—so a schedule is definitely an asset if it helps them get the Zzz’s they need. In a review of infant sleep and cognition in the journal Nature and Science of Sleep, findings indicated a positive association between sleep and memory, language, executive function, and overall cognitive development in typically developing infants.
They also make everyone’s lives less chaotic. “Schedules add routine and predictability,” Buley explains. “This can help reduce stress and help parents feel a little more in control of their day.” And when you’re less stressed out, you sleep better and so does your baby.
If you’re looking for ways to support your little one in resting at night, Defrank says a sleep schedule can help even in infancy when babies are still waking up for feedings. “Setting a regular bedtime with a ‘bedtime routine’ helps them settle quicker and sleep better,” Defrank says.
With all that in mind, if a baby is getting enough sleep, do they need a sleep schedule?
Let’s get to the million-dollar question so we can all take a nap: If their baby is sleeping sufficiently, should parents stress about establishing a schedule? Like with all things baby sleep, the answer isn’t black and white.
Buley stresses that the timing and amount of sleep is a personal preference and can vary depending on their age, development, and individual disposition—and you know your little one best of all. One specific schedule might not work for all babies, and if things are going well with how parents and caregivers are handling their little one’s sleep, there’s no need to fix something that isn’t broken. That being said, if your little one is grumpy all day, wakes a lot during the night, or yawns through their mommy and me play group, Buley says adhering to some type of organized and consistent sleep schedule is often the first thing she’ll try.
In Defrank’s view, most babies (and children of all ages for that matter) benefit from some sort of schedule and the routine that comes with it, which helps babies transition to their naps and bedtime with more ease. Buley agrees that all babes need sleep and anything that helps them get it is worthwhile.
Overly rigid sleep schedules can cause more stress for parents, which is why Buley suggests using wake windows in conjunction with attuning to your baby’s sleep cues to create a flexible schedule. “An adaptable approach to a sleep schedule is usually best,” she says.
Defrank and Buley agree on the guidelines that provide an idea of the amount of sleep babies need, though it’s best to take them with a grain of salt. “A child who is cheerful, alert, and engaged during their awake times is likely getting adequate rest, regardless of whether their sleep duration matches the guidelines precisely,” Buley says.
And remember that whatever works for your family and gets your baby the sleep they need is the right schedule (or non-schedule) for you.
When should I put my baby on a schedule?
“Sleep is disorganized and erratic for at least the first three months,” explains Buley. This is why, according to The Sleep Foundation, experts don’t give strict recommendations for sleep schedules in newborns.
If you’re trying to start a new sleep schedule to get everyone in your house some much-needed rest, the best time to start is when your little one is approaching 4 months old, when their sleep is becoming more established. “There’s not much point in any sort of schedule until the circadian rhythm matures [after the 4-month sleep regression], then a schedule can be a more reliable and useful tool,” Buley says.
If your baby cries, screams, arches their back, or seems super annoyed that bedtime is here, your little one might be fighting sleep. “Resisting sleep at naps is easier than resisting sleep at night due to the nature of the circadian rhythm,” Buley says. As she explains, melatonin kicks in at night and makes it harder to fight the inevitable.
What can help your little one settle is creating a consistent sleep routine at bedtime and a shorter version of this routine for naps—which, according to Defrank, can mean a bath, book, and bed at night and just the book before naps in that same safe sleep space. “At first, children may resist, but keep at it,” Defrank says. “All good habits take some time to become routine.” Finding the right bedtime can be a process, as Buley says you’ll have to find the time when your infant is tired but not overtired.
And as far as naps go, don’t feel like you have to sit in a dark room all day rocking when things don’t go smoothly. “If baby is resisting a nap, it’s best to either switch tactics, take a break and go into a different room, or get some fresh air and resume trying again in 15-20 minutes,” Buley says.
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Are there consequences if we fall off our sleep routine?
So if your baby refuses to sleep or you’re stuck in line at Target and miss your little one’s nap, will the sky in fact fall? Buley’s answer to this stress-inducing question is that it depends. “Some little ones are more sensitive than others to changes in their routine.”
So many things can disrupt your schedule, says Defrank, like illness, vacations, or other changes in the household (think switching rooms or parents going back to work). “The best way to get back on track, even if you have an off day, is to keep consistent with the sleep routine and your nighttime interactions, and not to panic,” says Buley. Defrank adds, “Don’t give up, and go back to your regular routine as soon as you are able.”
If your baby misses a nap or bedtime is pushed back, you might witness more fussiness and tears during their waking hours. When this happens, the Pediatric Sleep Council suggests offering another sleep opportunity when naps are missed or making bedtime earlier, depending on your baby’s nap frequency and age.
Baby sleep isn’t a cookie-cutter process
Once the no-schedule schedule stopped working for Aubrey and Anne, they decided to put Milo on a two-nap schedule, and he was clearly ready to settle into a routine. Now, there’s a bit of order to the chaos of new parenthood, and their baby is happy, engaged, and learning to crawl. Soon after, the six-month sleep regression threw them for a fun loop, but isn’t that just parenting in a nutshell? “As with most things baby-sleep related, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that works all of the time,” says Buley. But for some, having a routine in place can help weather those storms.
Some of this depends on why it’s happening in the first place
As adults, we know that friendships grow, change, and even end throughout our lives. We also know that no matter how old we get, those friendship “breakups” can often be tough to navigate. For children, however, the end of a friendship can be even trickier to navigate. The emotions around these situations can feel heavy, confusing, and even heartbreaking for some. So how do we help our little ones get through these experiences? How exactly can we as parents support our children when a friendship ends?
Why Do Friendships End?
Some of this depends on why the friendship ended to begin with. Children have little control over their young lives. A family might decide to move to another state, taking your child’s best friend physically far away, causing the friendship to fizzle out. A child might decide they would rather sit at the “popular” lunch table and not bring your kiddo with them, causing a rift. Or they might simply begin to grow apart as they get older and find that they have less in common than they once did. And don’t forget about general misunderstandings. Kids aren’t always well-equipped to explain their thoughts and emotions clearly, which can sometimes end up in arguments that lead to breakups.
Bullying and teasing are also often catalysts for friendship breakups, especially among school-aged kids. Vanessa Gordon, publisher of East End Taste and mother in Long Island, shares that’s what happened to her 9-year-old daughter.
“At the beginning of this school year, my daughter developed a friendship with another girl in her class…I remember my daughter coming home and talking about her and the games they played at school, the activities they liked to do together, and the like,” says Gordon.
Months later, Gordon found out both girls were beginning to have behavioral issues at school, and eventually, her daughter revealed she was being bullied by her “friend.” The mom even witnessed the bullying first-hand by observing them one afternoon at the library.
“This ‘friend’ of my daughter’s was hiding her jacket, creating a rise out of my daughter by taking LEGO pieces away from her while she was building her project, and turning around and sticking her tongue out at my daughter as we were leaving. My daughter would get so upset, and I can see how much it affected her. I knew right away that given my daughter’s age, I had to step in,” says Gordon.
So How Should Parents Handle Friendship Breakups?
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Experts agree that there are a variety of approaches in terms of handling a child’s friendship breakup, and much of it will depend on the circumstances around said breakup, as well as how you first learned about the situation.
What To Do When Your Child Comes To You About A Friendship Breakup
“Listen, comfort them, validate their feelings, normalize the experience, and create space for them to share what’s on their mind. Saying something like, ‘It can be so hard when friendships change. How are you feeling about it?’ can be incredibly supportive and open the door for kids to express the emotions that they’re experiencing,” says Michelle Felder, LCSW, Parenting Therapist, and Founder of Parenting Pathfinders.
Felder says whether they’re feeling sad, angry, worried, or even relieved, it’s important to validate those feelings and empathize with their experience. She also warns against making any assumptions, making judgments, or sharing personal opinions about the situation.
“Our instinct may be to try to make things better or solve their friendship challenges for them, but I encourage parents to pause, take a breath, and remember that this is an opportunity to help their child build the skills to cope with a loss in a healthy way,” says Felder.
Nathalie Fleitas, an LMHC based in FL who works with children and families, agrees that parents should avoid projecting their own emotions. “The priority should be helping the child understand their emotions and feelings about it if they are open to it, and if they are not open to it, letting them know the offer will stand if they are ready to talk about it,” says Fleitas.
If the child isn’t ready to share all the details just yet, Fleitas offers this as a response: “Alright, if you do want to talk about it sometime, I will be here to listen and help.”
Some kids might want time to sit with the situation and their emotions around it first, but may eventually come around and ask for help or comfort, so be ready for it once they do.
When You Find Out About the Friendship Breakup From Someone Else
Sometimes you might find out about the breakup from someone other than your child—such as a concerned teacher, the parent of the other child, or from friends and neighbors. Or you might also suspect something has happened if your child has suddenly stopped talking about or asking to see the friend. Fleitas recommends checking in with your child about the friendship (directly or indirectly) while also giving your child space to come to you about it if they want to.
“Generally, the older the child, the more autonomy should be respected,” says Fleitas.
Felder warns that if you heard about the breakup elsewhere, you’ll want to tread carefully. “Becoming aware that their parents or other people are talking about them could create even more negative feelings for your child,” she says.
She offers a few scripts depending on the situation:
“I’ve noticed that when you talk about school, you aren’t mentioning ____ like you used to. How’s that friendship going?”
“You know, it’s really common for kids’ friendships to change. Have you noticed any of your friendships changing lately?”
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?” or even, “You know love, friendships change all the time and it can be really tough to go through. I’m here if you want to talk about it, and it’s ok if you don’t.”
Should You Try To Help Your Child Make A New Friend?
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“It can be incredibly supportive to help children identify other relationships that they’d like to nurture, to strengthen connections they already have, or to be intentional about creating new opportunities for them to be exposed to different kids,” says Felder.
However, she says timing is key, and you don’t want to teach your child that friends are easily replaced but rather that there are always other opportunities out there to make good friends. Fleitas adds that you also want to allow the child some time to grieve their loss, depending on the situation.
“Check in with your child to see if they’d like some help coming up with ideas for how to create new connections with other kids, and if they’re open to it, support them in developing strategies to help navigate different social situations,” says Feldman. This might include things like helping them figure out who they can eat lunch with, play with during recess, or invite over for a playdate.
“Try role-playing these scenarios to give them a chance to practice using the words that feel authentic to them,” she says.
In The Case of Bullying
When a friendship ends due to bullying, the rules change somewhat. You still want to listen, validate, and be there for your child, but you may need to take a more active approach in supporting your child and their needs.
“In cases where there was bullying or some other type of abusive dynamic, repairing the friendship is not a safe or realistic goal,” says Fleitas.
In Gordon’s case, for example, she moved her daughter’s dance class to a different day and found new afterschool activities at other libraries to attend. She also spoke with her child’s teachers as well as the school librarian and social worker to formulate a plan to maintain distance between the girls.
“Though I do believe there are many times in life that we should face the problem heads on as opposed to ‘running away from it’, with this particular situation, given my daughter’s age and that it escalated rather quickly from a friendship to a bullying situation, I felt it best to remove or mitigate the stressful and anxiety-provoking situation as much as possible so that my daughter can enjoy her after school activities without those concerns or fears,” says Gordon.
Some Final Helpful Tips for Dealing with a Friendship Breakup
Depending on the situation, Fleitas says it might be helpful to remind your child that not all breakups are final and that some friendships are meant to come and go. She offers scripts like, “Sometimes things can be worked out in time if you and your friend would like that, and sometimes it’s also ok for the friendship to come to an end,” and “Some friendships can last a short time and others can last a long time. It’s sad when we lose a good friend. There will be many more friends to come in the future.”
Fleitas also says you can also remind your child that “it’s ok to avoid or take time away from the former friend as much as possible.” Many kids (and grownups!) require space for healing.
“Losing a friendship can be a tremendous loss for kids—just like a relationship ending can be devastating for an adult,” adds Felder. She advises parents to keep an eye on how their child adjusts to the friendship breakup (such as changes in sleep routine, eating habits, emotional reactivity, etc.).
“Every child is unique and there’s no set schedule for how long it takes to move through the loss of a friendship,” says Felder. “It can be hard to experience your child going through a tough time, but feelings change, and having the support to move through this loss in a healthy way will benefit them more than being pushed to move on before they’re ready.”
Life has certainly been far from normal. Usually, children are well into their regular school routine at this time of year, but with the pandemic defining every parent’s “new normal,” many children have not yet made the full transition, and their sleep is suffering. Let’s throw in daylight savings, travel, or a sickness, and even the best sleepers can find themselves disrupted. In my practice as a pediatric sleep consultant, I have seen a significant increase in preschool sleeping issues over the last several months, which I believe directly correlates to the lack of physical and mental stimulation children are receiving during the day. Like many families, you may be finding yourself scrambling to get your family back into a healthy sleep routine.
Create a Bedtime Routine
I always suggest to my clients that they have a “timed routine” which means to have a set time for bed and not just allow children to fall asleep when they seem tired. This can result in bedtime being far too late for their age. Last spring, and over the summer, a lot of families were struggling to figure out their new “normal.” Sleep was all over the map as parents tried to balance working from home and keeping their children entertained. Now that school is back in session, it’s essential to maintain a regular bedtime routine that works for your family. Children of all ages do best with consistency so, that’s why a predictable, nightly routine can be the key to a good night’s sleep.
Start with turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime (blue light from screens can delay melatonin), wind down with bath/shower time, or perhaps washing up at the sink, pajamas followed by brushing teeth. Then move to the bedroom and dim the lights for a few books. At this point, your child can climb into bed and it should take them about 20 or so minutes to fall asleep if bedtime is at an appropriate time. Keep in mind that overtired and under-tired children may struggle more to fall asleep, so keep an eye on that clock! Wake times will vary based on your child’s age and activity levels. Try and stick to this schedule as much as possible but recognize that it’s common to deviate on occasion. After all, sometimes it’s fun to be spontaneous!
Utilize Outside Sleep Resources
You may need to utilize outside resources to help your child wind down before bedtime. Guided meditations and yoga are excellent ways to have your child calm their bodies and minds and settle prior to climbing in bed. Some children are so wound up from their day, especially if they’ve been on screens for a large part of it, and they need a little physical outlet that also helps relax them. Consider reading to your child every single night; not only is it a great part of the wind down routine, but it also promotes early literacy. So, it’s a win-win!
Call in Sleep Reinforcements
If you’ve established a good routine, you are using your outside resources, but bedtime is still a struggle, then it is ok to get back on track with the help of a melatonin supplement. Melatonin is the hormone released by your body that aids in sleep. Under the supervision of your pediatrician, this can be used for a short period of time to help supplement your child’s natural melatonin production if their bedtime has gotten far off track. The best way to use melatonin is after you’ve tried to implement a steady routine for at least a week since the majority of children benefit most from routine and consistency.
Nicole is a sleep consultant and mom of 3 boys with a baby on the way. She's a member of the Association of Professional Sleep Consultants and has certifications in Infant Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health. Nicole views sleep holistically, addressing all elements in a child’s life that could prevent him/her from sleeping well.
I sometimes joke that I could sleep on the edge of the Grand Canyon and not fall off. That’s what over seven years of co-sleeping will prepare you for—the ability to sleep on less than five inches of the bed with tiny feet smushed in your face. Although this method is what has mostly worked for my family, the pressure of perfect parenting reflected in social media had often left me wondering if my children not falling or staying asleep on their own fits the norm—and I have a feeling I’m not alone.
If we look beyond modern Western culture and recent human history, then the simple answer is, yes, it is normal for children to experience varying independent sleeping skills. From an anthropological viewpoint, parents—particularly mothers—sharing their sleep space with their young children is a centuries-old practice. And in some cultures, sleeping alone doesn’t occur until adulthood.
“Teaching our kids to sleep alone at a young age is a unique piece to Western culture and one that we often teach because we want our children to have experiences that require independent sleep skills, such as slumber parties and sleepaway camps,” says Emily McMason parent, coach, and sleep consultant at Evolving Parents.
Though it really does come down to personal preferences and the health of your family. If soothing your child to sleep or co-sleeping is what results in the best rest, then there’s little reason to change it while your child is very young. However, if it’s not working or you believe your child is old enough to begin an independent sleep routine, there are some steps you can take that do not involve traumatic experiences for you or your child.
According to Dr. Lynelle Schneeberg, pediatric sleep psychologist, assistant professor at the Yale School of Medicine, and fellow of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, “Children often develop a sleep-onset association—also known as a sleep crutch. If you’re always there when your child falls asleep or co-sleep, they begin to pair parental presence with their ability to fall asleep. So, when you’re ready to teach independent sleep skills, start by figuring out what their sleep crutch is and gradually remove these things from their routine.”
In Dr. Schneeberg’s book Become Your Child’s Sleep Coach: The Bedtime Doctor’s 5-Step Guide, Ages 3-10, she recommends small steps such as placing a body pillow between you and your child, giving them a nighttime toy to sleep with, and moving them to their own bed but staying in the room until they learn to fall asleep without the need for your presence.
Furthermore, helping children understand the sleep cycles—that often differ for each family member—and providing a reason for them to be excited for sleeping on their own is an effective tool. And one that Emily McMason recommends, encouraging parents to help children understand why uninterrupted sleep is important with phrases such as “your body needs peaceful sleep to grow, and I can’t wait to see how much bigger you are in the morning!”
Whether you decide it’s time to transition your child to sleep on their own or want to embrace your child’s sleep dependencies, remember that the choice and experience are uniquely yours, and it’s unlikely you’ll be their sleep crutch forever.
As more and more parents head back to work outside of the house, and kids spend more time back in school and daycare, I have seen a significant increase in families who are desperate to get their children’s sleep on track. Families are finding this new transition to be difficult in ensuring that everyone is getting a restful night’s sleep.
The biggest piece of work that I do with these families is helping them set-up healthy bedtime routines. I have partnered with Mommy’s Bliss, one of the most trusted vitamin and supplement brands among parents, because their sleep products for kids ages 3 and older, in conjunction with a steady sleep routine, can help your family get back on track. Here are some tips you can start using right now for maintaining a healthy sleep environment for your family.
1. Start Shifting Your Schedule
Just like families try to so with Daylight Savings, try to shift your child’s schedule back day-by-day. Start waking your child about 15 minutes earlier every day or two. Also, put your child to bed 15 minutes earlier. By the end of the week your child should be waking at your desired time and bedtime should be back to where it should be. (P.S. also shift mealtimes and nap time back if they’ve crept later).
2. Remove Electronics Before Bed
We hate to admit it, but electronics have been the key to successful parenting over the past few months. Whether it’s the daily Zoom classes for school or some extra screen time just so you can finish up a work call, many parents are relying on tablets and TVs for their child’s engagement. But, blue light from electronics can delay the production of melatonin. So, if your child is struggling to fall asleep at night, consider removing screens about an hour before bedtime. Studies have found that the melatonin production starts to increase fairly quickly once the blue light is removed.
3. Get Back to Basics
Remember when your child was a baby and everything you read told you to establish a nightly “routine”. Well, the same holds true for older children. Create a bedtime routine that is predictable and consistent. You may have had a routine prior to the stay-at-home-order, or perhaps you didn’t but, a nightly routine not only helps a child winddown prior to bedtime, but it also removes some of the stress on the parent. Start with a bath or shower, followed by the brushing teeth and pajamas, then onto books and cuddles, and lastly getting into bed.
4. Set Realistic Boundaries
Since some families have really deviated from their normal schedules, it may be hard to get back on track. Start talking to your child about what’s expected of them in terms of sleep. For your preschooler this may mean reading them a book about staying in bed or purchasing an “Ok to Wake” clock. For an older child this may mean telling them to get in bed at a given time but allowing them to read a few books on their own before calling “lights out.”
5. Get Outside Help
Sometimes, even with the best planning and routine, children still have trouble adapting to the old schedule. If you’ve tried all the tricks above and your child is still struggling to fall asleep at night, talk to your doctor about supplementing with melatonin for a few days. Although it is not a long-term solution, Mommy’s Bliss Kids Sleep Line are safe melatonin products for your child as each version is crafted with a wise blend of ingredients, including melatonin, magnesium, organic chamomile, lemon balm, and passionflower. They’re designed to work hand-in-hand with a good bedtime routine to help support restful sleep.
As moms we know that just like sickness, travel, and time changes, new routines can also disrupt even the best sleepers. Getting your child’s sleep back on track will certainly help alleviate parental stress and make your child happier overall.
Nicole is a sleep consultant and mom of 3 boys with a baby on the way. She's a member of the Association of Professional Sleep Consultants and has certifications in Infant Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health. Nicole views sleep holistically, addressing all elements in a child’s life that could prevent him/her from sleeping well.
Good news and bad news. Bad news: Your sleep quality takes a dramatic dive once you become a parent. Good news: There are a lot of other parents out there who can sympathize. New data from SWNS drives that point home and shows that more than half the moms and dads surveyed would even consider hiring a babysitter to take over the bedtime routine.
If you have a hard time falling asleep at night, sneak a nap during the day or struggle to get your kids down, you’re not alone! The survey of 2,000 American parents of kids 18 and under found that our lovely offspring are the main reason for sleep deprivation. Forty-six percent of respondents said kids are the main reason they can never fall, or stay, asleep. Almost three-quarters (72%) said they’ll go for a daytime nap when possible. And almost half (44%) don’t drift off to dreamland easily once it’s finally time for bed.
While the average kid bedtime is a reasonable window between 8-9 p.m., we all know it’s not easy getting there. One-third of parents said putting their kids to bed is the biggest sleep routine challenge. Babysitters are traditionally reserved for date nights, but more than half of parents said they’d consider hiring one just to handle bedtime. An unlikely, but admittedly appealing-sounding arrangement some nights.
Mattress company Sealy commissioned the study, which was conducted by OnePoll. Tired parents also reported falling asleep everywhere from the kitchen table to the salon chair. But there’s more good news: It doesn’t last forever (thanks, teenagers). In the meantime, can we recommend a coffee subscription?
Pandemic life has been anything but normal but one thing is certain, all moms share the goal of keeping their kids happy and healthy. One key aspect of attaining this goal is helping your family get the best sleep possible. Between winter sniffles, inconsistent school schedules, and daylight savings, even the best sleepers can find themselves disrupted.
In my practice as a pediatric sleep consultant, I have seen a significant increase in preschool sleeping issues over the last year, which I believe directly correlates to the lack of physical and mental stimulation children are receiving during the day. Like many families, you may be finding yourself scrambling to get your family into a healthy sleep routine.
I have partnered with Mommy’s Bliss, one of the most trusted vitamin and supplement brands among parents, as they introduce their new sleep line of melatonin products for kids, three years and older. Sleep products, in conjunction with a steady sleep routine, can help your family get on track. Here are some tips you can start using right now for maintaining a healthy sleep environment for your family.
1. Create a Routine
I always suggest to my clients that they have a “timed routine” which means to have a set time for bed and not just allow children to fall asleep when they are tired. Over the past year, many families have been struggling to figure out their new “normal.” Sleep has been all over the map as parents try to balance working from home and keeping their children entertained. It’s essential to maintain a regular bedtime routine that works for your family. Children of all ages do best with consistency so, that’s why a predictable, nightly routine can be the key to a good night’s sleep.
Start with turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime (blue light from screens can delay melatonin), wind down with bath/shower time, or perhaps washing up at the sink, pajamas followed by brushing of teeth. Then move to the bedroom and dim the lights for a few books. At this point, your child can climb into bed and it should take them about 20 or so minutes to fall asleep if bedtime is at an appropriate time. Keep in mind that overtired and under-tired children may struggle more to fall asleep, so keep an eye on that clock! Wake times will vary based on your child’s age and activity levels. Try and stick to this schedule as much as possible but recognize that it’s common to deviate on occasion. After all, sometimes it’s fun to be spontaneous!
2. Use Supportive Resources
You may need to utilize outside resources to help your child wind down before bedtime. Guided meditations and yoga are excellent ways to have your child calm their bodies and minds and settle prior to climbing in bed. Some children are so wound up from their day, especially if they’ve been on screens for a large part of it, and they need a little physical outlet that also helps relax them. Consider reading to your child every single night; not only is it a great part of the winddown routine, but it also promotes early literacy. So, it’s a win-win!
3. Call in the Reinforcements
If you’ve established a good routine, you are using your outside resources, but bedtime is still a struggle, then it is ok to get back on track with the help of a melatonin supplement. Melatonin is the hormone released by your body that aids in sleep. Under the supervision of your pediatrician, this can be used for a short period of time to help supplement your child’s natural melatonin production if their bedtime has gotten far off track. The best way to use melatonin is after you’ve tried to implement a steady routine for at least a week since the majority of children benefit most from routine and consistency. If you are searching for safe melatonin products for your child, Mommy’s Bliss has a new great-tasting Kids Sleep Line crafted with a wise blend of ingredients, including melatonin, magnesium, organic chamomile, lemon balm, and passionflower. They’re designed to work hand-in-hand with a good bedtime routine to help support restful sleep.
Nicole is a sleep consultant and mom of 3 boys with a baby on the way. She's a member of the Association of Professional Sleep Consultants and has certifications in Infant Mental Health and Maternal Mental Health. Nicole views sleep holistically, addressing all elements in a child’s life that could prevent him/her from sleeping well.
