ML Interest Tag: stigma

Helping Kids Understand the Difference between Tattling vs. Reporting

By Jessica Speer

Photo: Canva

There’s a difference between tattling and reporting. When kids understand the difference, they are more likely to report unsafe situations and real trouble.

Definitions: Snitching & Tattling vs. Reporting

Snitching or Tattling: Telling on someone to get that person in trouble.

Reporting: Telling a trusted adult to get help. Focused on keeping yourself and others safe.

The Difference Between Tattling & Reporting

In early elementary school, snitching or tattling is common as kids learn to navigate rules and social dynamics. In these situations, the “snitcher” is usually trying to get someone in trouble, control another, or avoid blame. Often, no one is in danger of being physically hurt, and the situation could be solved without adult intervention with some conflict resolution skills.

By middle school, snitching has become socially unacceptable. Because of this stigma, older students may be afraid to report real trouble. Fear of being seen as a snitch peaks just as dangerous and inappropriate behaviors (bullying, sexual harassment, and threats of violence) are on the rise.

When Kids Understand the Difference, Schools are Safer

When kids understand the difference between snitching and reporting it helps them feel safe to report. This requires regular discussions at home and at school about what types of situations need to be reported. It’s also important to have a safe, confidential way for students to share, like Safe2Tell.org. This service allows students, families, and community members to report concerns or threats anonymously.

In today’s world, all of us need to look out for each other. These efforts go a long way in helping our kids feel safe as well.

This post originally appeared on JessicaSpeer.com

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

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Kindness Is Our Superpower

By Lindsey Althaus

mom-child

Photo: The Althaus Life Blog

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was over-exhausted. Overwhelmed. Underpaid. (I kid). Vivi was teething and Whitman was out of control. We were waiting for occupational therapy. I was bouncing Vivi on my hip and chasing Whit. Our stroller was full of Panera bags, cups, and cookies because we had no time between school that was on the second floor and OT which was on the first floor.

Whitman wanted a candy bar and was doing his nonverbal grunts and points at the vending machine. I was trying to coax Whitman away from the vending machine with a sugar cookie and brownie. I was failing at both things. Then a woman with messed up hair, a walker, and reeking of B.O. and cigarettes walked up to me and she said it. I

knew that one day I would be faced with adversity because of Whitman’s lack of language. I thought my first time would be at Target or Wal-Mart. But I never pictured it would happen in the rehab facility. The woman said: “You know he’s a R*** right?! And why in the hell would you bring another into the world?!” She pointed at Vivi. I stood stunned. I didn’t know what to say and I could feel the tears streaming down my face. Thankfully, Whit’s occupational therapist came out and the situation was defused. I told her what happen, pointed out who the woman was from the hallway, then drove home a sobbing mess from therapy that day. I questioned every move I had made as a mom. Was it my fault?! Should we not have had Vivi?! Am I not handling this the way I should be handling this?!

In therapy, Whit’s OT reminded me that Whit wasn’t any of what that woman called him. We have had the IQ tests. Whitman is reluctant to show you what he knows, but trust her, he knows. I saw the woman the following week and felt sick when I did. Her daughter walked up to me and apologized for her mom’s behavior—she had seen it all while she was trying to check her mom in and was mortified. She didn’t make up an excuse for why her mom said it, she said just said how sorry she was. Then added that my kids are cute. It helped a little but the wound is still there two years later.

That word takes away your security. That word makes you feel things as a parent that you should never have to feel. It reminds you of what a cruel place this world is. It makes you wonder what kind of human takes out their anger on a child and his mother who are simply trying to get through the day. We need to stop the stigma that this word is ok. In the dawn of a new era in America’s history, we need to take away that word and replace it with inclusion. We need to teach our kids that being different is fine. That being mean isn’t. That even if the quiet kid in their class doesn’t say “Hi” back you still say “Hi.”

If you see a friend struggling, you help. We need to stop criticizing and blaming parents because their child has special needs. Whitman isn’t the way he is because I did anything. He’s programmed differently and as much as I grieve about that it’s not because he is who is. He’s the best human being. He is a walking miracle. It’s because the world isn’t ready for him and what he can offer. It’s a tad better but not there yet. We have to start teaching our kids to advocate for those who need it. Kindness starts in the home. Hate starts in the home. Letting the R-word fly like confetti starts in the home.

Instead of putting our prejudices that we were raised with, let’s make 2021 the year of kind. The year where rude terms are put to bed. Let’s make 2021 the year where we stop judging other mom’s for doing it a different way than you. Let’s be grateful for our upbringings because it made us the people that we are. The people that our children need us to be. Let’s help others no matter what, without blame, or judgment. Let’s just be decent human beings.

Can we please just make 2021 the year of a new beginning where we don’t have to worry about what society is going to say about our kiddos or us? I will never forget my first encounter with that word. That day fueled a fire in me to be kind. Even if I disagree with the person, we are all different we are all going to have different opinions, even if the person was rude to me earlier. I’m choosing to be a person that my kids would be proud of it and it starts with being kind to everyone.

We as special needs parents need to know that kind is our superpower. We need to be the example for re-educating society if we have any hope of eliminating the hurtful words. Let’s set the bar high this year for ourselves. Let’s get out there in the community and educate the people around us, let’s be kind in our education, and show grace to the broken system that got us here. Let’s move forward with pride that maybe we can be the generation that changes the world, but in order to change the world we have to start at home and in our communities. Baby steps.

This post originally appeared on The Althaus Life Blog.

 

Lindsey is a mom, wife, and blogger at The Althaus Life. She lives in Ohio with her husband and 2 children. Lindsey is grateful all things and to be able to chronicle her beautifully broken laugh til you cry cry until you laugh life.

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We Need to Erase This Word

By Chrystal Venator

 

little boy in a field

I wish the r-word would just disappear. Poof! Be gone. Permanently erased forever.

The r-word is a euphemism for “retard” or “retarded.” It is a derogatory and insulting term used to describe or insult individuals with intellectual disabilities. I’m so tired of hearing it and reading it on social media used to insult a person, place, or thing through comparison to a person with an intellectual disability. There is no correct way to use the r-word. None. It needs to go!

If you haven’t already, please kick the r-word to the curb, once and for all. I’m so tired of reading the expression “that’s so retarded.” People need to stop using it as a descriptor. It’s not a joke. The r-word has such a negative stigma attached to it.

In a world of social media and a pandemic, more and more people are going online including those with intellectual disabilities. They have a right to be in the online space free from disrespect and online bullying. I have seen friends use this word. It’s like a stab to my heart. They know the struggles that I have with my child, how hard he works, and the obstacles he faces and seeing them just throw that word around, out into the world- like nothing. It is beyond disheartening.

It is really one of the worst things that they can say. I wish that people thought before they spoke. I wish they realized how hurtful and demeaning the “r-word” is. I wish they could live in our world for a day so they could realize the love, kindness, strength, fight, heart, friendship, and perseverance of those living with intellectual disabilities. They are missing out.

This is more than a word, it’s about respect and attitudes. It’s about people looking down on others and judging them because of perceived capabilities. Never make an assumption about what another person can and cannot do. My son is an amazing little boy. He loves life and other people. He likes muffins, telling jokes, YouTube, and Buzz Lightyear. He loves hugs, stickers, swimming, and being included.

He is love, kindness, acceptance, purity, positivity, strength, and courage. He is smart. He is capable. He has encountered more obstacles, jumped more hurdles, and climbed bigger mountains in his mere five years than some people encounter in a lifetime. He is more than any assumption, barrier, limit, or diagnosis. He is and will always be more than the ignorance, negativity, hate, opinions, and preconceived notions of others. He will always be more than the r-word.

This post originally appeared on Stalen’s Way Facebook.

I am a proud wife, ASD Mom, Step-Mom. At 21 months, my son was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He is 5 years old and non-verbal. I have become a full-time stay-at-home mom. I am 1000% focused on raising autism awareness and helping my son live a full and fun life. 

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It’s Time to Stop Using This Word

By Kim Mcisaac

Photo: Kim Mcisaac via Autism Adventures with Alyssa

As a parent of a child with special needs, I’m going to zero in the stigma of the derogatory word used to describe people with mental disabilities. This word is also used as slang and to make fun of others, in reference to them being stupid.

I remember very clearly sitting across from the psychologist as he was reading the results from my daughter’s most recent tests. It was her three-year evaluation where they do a full evaluation and everyone sits around the table and talks about her results and gives recommendations.

This is one of many things as a special needs parent, that is difficult to hear and read. Listening to them refer to her level in ages. It’s just tough to hear, so I brace myself and force a smile. After all, this is just a routine IEP.

I, however, was not prepared for what was said next. As the psychologist was rambling about spatial this, decoding that, my mind was wandering. I was thinking about my beautiful 7-year-old girl and I was wondering what she was doing in class. Then my attention got diverted back as he went on to say her scores indicate “mental retardation.”

I was familiar with the term,  of course, but have never heard it in reference to my daughter. I felt sucker-punched. Obviously, I am aware that my daughter is cognitively delayed. She is non-verbal and her receptive language is weak, but developing. At this same meeting, I was told my daughter would never talk or understand spoken word only visuals. I firmly disagreed.

I stared across the table at him biting my lip to keep the tears from flowing. He looked visibly uncomfortable and went on to explain it was just the way the scoring is done. He looked like he almost felt bad saying it.

I had to resist the urge to flip the table over and scream, “Do not talk about my daughter this way. This is not my daughter. She is bright and funny, mischievous, and yes challenging I will admit, but full of potential!” I felt sick. I could see her teacher giving me the slide glance as she thankfully piped in with her recommendations and some positive attributes. I could barely hear her, though. I just needed to get out of there.

I cried all the way home. I honestly don’t know how I safely drove home, it was heart-wrenching.

That word has such a negative stigma to it there was a campaign to permanently change it.

It is now referred to as an intellectual disability.

The problem is, although that word makes me cringe and it has such a negative impact, it is just a word.

Which will be replaced by another word.

The heart of the issue is not simply a word that shouldn’t be used. It is the attitude and overall assumption that special needs people are “less than.” That their lives are not as worthy as typical people.

Ironically, today, I had an experience with a lady who came to look at the daycare that I run. In the midst of the conversation, autism came up, and I told her that I had a daughter with autism. She started to talk about how her friend’s son was “seemingly fine one day and autistic the next.” She said point-blank that he was completely fine then all of a sudden….and then she jerked her head back and began shaking it around, as if she were acting out what it looks like to be autistic. I just stared at her. If I weren’t wearing a mask,  my mouth would if dropped open.

I couldn’t even speak, I was so stunned. I am hardly ever at a loss for words but this time words failed me. She went on, talking about how hard it is, mumbling something else as I continued to stare at her.

I can not believe that an adult in this day and age would do this. Outwardly make fun of a disability. Completely inaccurately, I might add. And at a daycare, to a professional who just told you they had a child with autism! I have developed a thick skin over the years—it didn’t hurt my heart the way it once would have—but I was in disbelief.

It is complete ignorance, and it starts at home. We need to teach our typical children to do better.

We need to educate and show our children to the world. To be proud of them and not ashamed. The thinking that any one group of people is better than the next is outdated and simply untrue. Everyone’s life has meaning and value.

My daughter lives her best life every day. Her heart is pure. She doesn’t know evil, prejudice, or hate. Her life is simple. She smiles and, I swear, light radiates through. Her laugh is the sweetest sound you will ever hear.

She is worthy. She is deserving of everything life has to offer. She is different but not less: if anything she is more.

Her soul is full of beauty and innocence. It is up to us to stand up and protect her and others like her. To tell the world how imperfectly perfect they are. To set an example, to give grace, and to educate.

It is not enough to just erase the word. We have to advocate, educate and enlighten others. No more secret world of special needs, we will share the beauty, the joy, and the challenges and show the world how deserving our kids are.

 

 

This post originally appeared on Autism Adventures with Alyssa.

Kim McIsaac , is a blogger at autism adventures with Alyssa . She resides in Massachusetts with her husband and four children .  She advocates and passionate about spreading autism awareness and educating and inspiring others . She likes to write , spend time with her  family and loves the beach . 

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Why Don’t Men Talk about Infertility?

By Brittany Stretchbery

There are several things people seem to “know” right off the bat when it comes to family planning, conception, and infertility.

  1. It’s a women’s issue, certainly not for men to discuss
  2. Infertility is all about the woman
  3. Men are along for the ride—when the woman wants a child, the couple wants a child

First you date. Move-in together. Get married. Then you have kids. In that order. At every wedding—“You’re next, when are you putting a ring on it?” from some nosy person. Chill, bro. Don’t try to press me. Then whenever someone wants to know about your sex life, they ask, “When are you finally going to have a baby?” incessantly. I always wanted to ask if they were having unprotected intercourse. But I digress.

The First Steps

First comes the “I’m not trying, but I’m not trying not to” routine. Really, I think it’s just something us guys say because we don’t want to look too eager to get into the parenting thing. Especially for younger couples, it’s easier to say that than to hear, “You have your whole life” when you say you want kids now. But let’s face it, you want kids and you really are giving it the old college try.

Mood: Great. Sex all the time, no more worrying about birth control or any of that business. Just… fun.

Should It Take This Long?

“If you have sex, you will get her pregnant.” You totally expect it’ll be quick! Two or three months tops? Surely it’ll be happening soon. Like, really soon. Let’s give it a few months. What people don’t commonly know is that your odds of conception are only 20-25% each month for the healthiest of people.

Mood: Still pretty good. Because, sex, you know? But maybe we should try something different

Ok. Really, Let’s ACTUALLY Start Trying

This is where the research comes in. Basal body temps, special lubrication, cutting the booze, eating healthier, monitoring cycles. The list goes on. So after 7-8 months, you reach “let’s actually put a plan in place” status. We’re smart people, we can handle this.

Mood: Well, this is slightly annoying. Still, sex. But now it’s planned. And that’s not so exciting.

Infertility: The Dreaded Word

After 12 months of trying, you now get slapped with the infertility title, by medical definition. We knew it was headed that way, but it still sucks going to the Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) for the first time. For the wife, it was her feeling like a failure. This goes back to the beginning rule: infertility is a women’s issue.

For us guys, our experience is different. Doctors, nurses, insurance people, etc. all try their best to include the males, but at clinics, the woman is the patient. The woman gets the tests. She has to talk to insurance because the husband isn’t a patient. For me, that was the most frustrating part. Not being talked to as a patient but as the support. Give us your sample and you can go on your way.

Mood: This is such crap. But we’re taking charge, here. Bringing in the experts. As the guy, I might be ignored a bit, but it’s worth it. Also, if you ever posted a baby picture on Facebook, I hated you and probably hid you from my timeline. You’ve since been re-added and I’ve caught up on your awesome journey through parenthood.

On to the Treatments!

Monitoring. Blood tests. Shots. Lots and lots of shots. Have you ever been jealous of someone getting a shot or blood drawn or anything? It’s a very strange experience. If I could have taken my wife’s place as a human pin cushion, I would have. No doubt. It started out gradually with just oral medication and ultrasounds, but then we got into blood tests and a trigger shot (to induce ovulation). And after that, stimulating hormone shots.

Mood: Ok, for real. I am here. Maybe talk to me a bit?

Total side note: I got to be a damn fine shot giver. Like, so good. Me doing the shots, in a way, got me more involved in the process. I was less resentful of the whole thing because I actually felt like I had a role in creating my child. But that wasn’t until basically year four of our infertility journey. Years two and three were super shitty. One failed procedure after another, a canceled IVF cycle. It wears on you.

Mood: Our second cycle of IVF was actually a great experience from my perspective. I had a role. A purpose. And everything she was doing wasn’t going to be a complete waste of time and money.

Looking Back at the Whole Infertility Experience

Obviously, I wouldn’t take it back. I have a daughter (who is now an energetic 4-year-old). Gosh, it sure was terrible at times. And other times it was just laughable. Let’s just say that our dignity took a hit between collecting samples and a million ultrasounds. 

There’s still a ton of stigma associated with infertility—and that’s the reason I am writing this today.

Yes, men can and do want families just as bad as their wives.

Yes, the woman is the patient. But I am still a willing and necessary part of the equation.

This post originally appeared on Bottles & Banter.
Brittany Stretchbery
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I work for an airline, so our our family of 4 flies everywhere on standby. Meaning, we never know if we'll actually get there. It's like travel Hunger Games. We have young kids and were never sold on the belief that you can't travel with little ones.

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Don’t Give Up Looking for Your Tribe

By Kayla King

When our son Charlie was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4—almost five years ago now—we were so lost. We had no idea what we were doing, where to go for more info, where to find help, or who to talk to to find out what we should expect. We had no one to guide us on this unexpected journey. It felt like walking into a new world completely blind. We didn’t know where anything was, tripped a lot, and got lost.

But we kept walking. We kept fighting. We kept searching. No one in our life knew what we were going through. We tried many different options for therapies from professionals. Some were helpful, some were a complete joke. The problem was, the majority of the professionals we met didn’t understand either. They knew what they were taught from textbooks. Not real life. There’s a huge difference—living it vs. reading about it. And while some have been helpful in some ways—they are not our people.

Before his diagnosis, at age 2, we were connected with our local Birth-to-3 team who worked with both Christian and Charlie on areas they were still behind from being born three months premature. While they did some amazing work with the boys we told them of some of the concerns we were seeing with Charlie. They saw it too, but they weren’t quite sure what to tell us. In fact, at one point they told us not to worry because it definitely wasn’t autism because he made such good eye contact. What did we know at that point? Nothing.

Eventually, Charlie aged out of their program and we were forced to look for more help. We started exploring several different therapies: PT and OT were the first two therapies that proved to be helpful for us and gave us so much knowledge. But then our insurance stopped covering their services. We were crushed. They were our people. After being on lengthy waitlists for other therapies we were introduced to Charlie’s main autism/family therapist. To make a long story short, 4 years later and we are still working with her today. She’s nothing short of amazing. She is our people.

About a year after diagnosis we found a local support group for parents. Tyler and I checked it out and thought it could work until it didn’t. It seemed like the people in the group had already formed relationships and didn’t need any new-comers. Unfortunately, we didn’t feel very welcomed. To be honest, it stung a little. I mean, aren’t us parents supposed to stick together? Those were not our people.

When the boys were really little we started searching for a new church to call home. Someone suggested a certain church in our neighboring town. We went a few times to get a feel for it. It was different than what we were used to but we kept going, we really liked it. And they had an amazing kids ministry.  We knew no one when we started going there but we were welcomed with open arms and fully embraced. We even had a couple of teachers who took the time to get to know the boys and what would help Charlie separate from us and be successful with his peers. This blew us away. Without these people, we might not have stayed. We are so glad we did. These are our people.

A few years ago a local group called Ironwood Springs Christian Ranch wanted to do a test run for a summer autism camp where families could come together, shed the discrimination, stigma, and stares, and just have fun as a family. We were lucky enough to get in and what we found when we got there was incredible. We found we were welcomed from the moment we walked in and with no judgements. We were surrounded by other autism families who understood our journey. We didn’t need to explain our journey or apologize for behaviors. They just knew this different life. We have gone back to that summer camp every years since then. We’ve met some great friends at that camp. These are our people.

Then one night my husband was scrolling through Facebook and stumbled across a video from Kate Swenson. She has a Facebook page called Finding Cooper’s Voice. My husband watched the video and immediately told me I needed to watch it. I did and with tears in my eyes I told my husband, “She gets it.” She lives autism daily as we do. I spent the next couple of hours on her page reading posts and watching videos. I knew right away I needed to get to know her. That was several years ago now. Along the way, I’ve not only found Kate but a whole tribe of supportive and understanding men and women who also understand life with autism. These are our people. This is our tribe.

When we started this blog we only intended to use it to educate people on why we were fundraising for Charlie’s service dog. But it’s become so much more than that. Even after fundraising, we kept the blog going. It’s helpful for Tyler and me to express our wide range of emotions and experiences, but we also want to bring hope and light to other families who might be at the beginning of their journey. We don’t want people to feel lost as we did. If you haven’t found your people yet, I encourage you to keep searching. Because when you finally find them, it will be a beautiful thing.

This post originally appeared on Adventures of Charlie & Sunny.

Kayla lives in Minnesota with her husband and three boys.  Her son Charlie was diagnosed with autism at age 4.  She has been blogging their journey since 2017.  They navigate daily life with autism and their son's service dog, Sunny.  

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Can’t Decide to Send the Kids Back to School? 5 Tips for Overcoming Decision Paralysis

By Dr. Kate Lund

I’m a clinical psychologist. I’m also the mother of twelve-year-old twins, so the anxiety of back-to-school unknowns in this time of COVID-19 is hitting me both in my office and my home—which has been located under the same roof for months. When my patients connect with me remotely, they ask me the same question I’ve been asking myself: With all of the stress and uncertainty that the pandemic is causing about starting school, how can I sort it out and make the best decision for my children, and for our family? Parents everywhere concur that the options are far from ideal and for many, they are also guilt-inducing on so many levels. The truth is there are no easy answers in this situation. We have to work with the information we have moment-to-moment and make the best decisions we can.

The Road to Stress is Sometimes Paved with the Best Intentions

There are more than 80 million American families out there struggling with how to best manage the looming back-to-school questions. Lots of parents are conflicted by what to do about their children going back to school or college. There’s got to be an answer for us, given the common stresses we’re all feeling about the school bell ringing.

The stressors—the constantly changing plans of school calendars and classroom logistics; the adherence to public health protocols; the risk of viral exposure to our children; the effects of months of social isolation and distance learning; and, for some, the stigma of having been sick with COVID or lost loved ones to the virus—have stacked up so high they feel like they’re eclipsing the light of day we need to make clear and confident choices.

In the past, I would talk with patients about moving stressors to the horizon, but COVID feels different, because it’s so present, all around us in our communities and in the media, that we can’t see the horizon. Thus, our approach to working through the stressors needs to be different, too. Psychologically, we’re up against uncertainty. The fear that at the end of the day, nobody knows what will happen. So what can parents do to cope through the moments?

5 Tools for Coping Through the Moments

1.  Develop your own relaxation response: Come up with a word or phrase that is soothing to you—water, wind, your child’s smile. Focus on it as you breathe in and out for up to 10 minutes in the morning and again later in the day. Ten minutes sounds like a long time for us parents. Start with one or two minutes, then work up to longer. You’ll build a foundation for what it’s like to be in a stress-managed space, so when you do face a stressor, you can manage it proactively to prevent it from spiking.

2.  Move forward: Harder than it sounds, I’m sure, but it’s vital to get to a place where you feel like you can put one foot in front of the other towards your goal of making a decision. Our minds are wired to go to the negative more easily than the positive, but there’s a technique to overcome this. At the end of the day, jot down three-to-five things that went well today. Consciously focusing on the good things will help give you the balance you need to take the first steps forward. Finally, focus on what you can control and what you can do instead of what you can’t.

3. Create a plan: The absence of normal routines and calendars during the pandemic has caused people to feel dislocated from the foundations that ground their lives. Consider all the options presented to you by your child’s school, your employer, and the other cornerstones in your life. Chart a plan with actions, dates, and outcomes for the various options. The act of consciously working out pathways to the future will give you a sense of preparation to help guide your ultimate decision.

4. Understand that things will change: The circumstances of the pandemic are so fluid that it’s impossible to hold a school or any other institution to their best intentions — they’re trying to fly the plane while they’re building it. So, knowing that things will change, consider how pieces from the plans you created (#3) will help you feel ready for whatever is thrown at you. Create a plan A, then a plan B and C. The final version will be somewhere in between all three.

5. Talk to peers—then go with your gut: The other people in your situation are likely facing the same stressors and ambiguities and walking the tightrope of their own decisions. Sharing your thoughts will enable you to articulate your instincts, and receive the feedback and views of people who know you and can be honest about your concerns. Listen to what’s working for them, but in the end, make the decision that’s best for you and your unique situation. And remember there are no easy answers in this scenario. Doing your best is the best you can do.

In the weeks between now and the start of school, practicing these techniques can help you move out of the paralysis of not knowing what to do and making the best decision you can in your situation. Keep in mind that it won’t be ideal, but if you can do your best to consider all of the options presented to you, then you’ve served yourself and your children well. And you won’t be alone. I’ll be trying to do the same.

I am a licensed clinical psychologist of 15 years, peak performance coach, best-selling author and TEDx speaker. My specialized training in medical psychology includes world-renowned Shriners Burn Hospital, Massachusetts General Hospital, and Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Centers, all of which are affiliated with Harvard Medical School.

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Why I Didn’t Talk to Anyone about My Postpartum Depression

By Jamie Johnson

The other day, someone I didn’t know reached out to me and complimented me on how brave it was that I am so open about my experience with postpartum depression.

I was flattered, to be honest. But the only thing I could think to say back, besides thank you, was that I wish someone had spoken out about it before I did.

I know doctors talked about it in articles you could find in mental health magazines. There were some celebrities that had discussed their situations. But no one sat my pudgy pregnant little butt down and said, “Okay, you have a history of depression. Here is what you need to know about what happens after you deliver this baby.”

I wasn’t reading mental health magazines prepping myself for what I would think was the “baby blues”.

What a difference that would have made. I could have saved myself a lot of tears, a lot of dark thoughts, a lot of grief, and a s**t ton of doubt.

Doubting if I was good enough to be the mom of this beautiful baby boy.

Doubting if I was letting my child and my husband down.

Doubting if I was meant to be so lucky.

Doubting if this is the life I was supposed to be living.

Doubting if I should actually get out of bed.

Doubting that I was doing this whole thing the right way.

Doubting that anything would ever change.

And scared sh*tless that absolutely everyone would tell me I was overreacting.

That’s exactly why I didn’t talk to anyone about my postpartum issues. I was doubting everything. And I was scared. Of the stigma. And scared of people I love looking at me in a light that was anything but the perfect mom I had envisioned I would be.

I was absolutely terrified that if I got out of bed, picked up the phone, went to the doctor or even told my husband, that I would be labeled as a bad mom. A mom that wasn’t good enough to have an amazing, sweet, precious baby boy like the one I had. I thought people would look down on me. That they would call me “crazy” or “insane.” I worried that they would think I was an unfit mother.

Looking back, I spent about three weeks in bed, in the dark, crying, pumping, nursing, changing diapers, sleeping, repeat, repeat, repeat. The days rolled by and I didn’t know day from night. I didn’t care to know. I was flat. Sad. Depressed. Unmotivated. Scared. Doubtful. Insecure. Lonely. Undeserving. And unable to express any of those emotions because it took too much energy.

At that time, I was not the mother that I wanted to be, but I was NOT an unfit mother. My baby boy was getting all of his needs met. He was being fed and changed.

And I did love on him and snuggle him. But most of the time that I was loving and snuggling him, I was crying and apologizing to him for not being the mom he needed and deserved.

Thinking about that now makes me so sad. The mom he needed was in there, she just needed some help finding herself again.

I did eventually find myself, and saw the light at the end of that scary, dark tunnel. But it took a long time and a lot of soul searching. And a lot of convincing myself that all those doubts were just that, doubts. None of them were true.

So I decided that I needed to share my story. And I think that a lot of people have benefitted from hearing it.

I’m not telling anyone to start a blog and post all their failures as a mom for the world to read, but if you have experienced PPD, or Postpartum Anxiety—which I also think I had or any other postpartum issue, don’t be scared to talk about it. It is so much more common than anyone admits.

And I can promise, if you share your experience, you will feel a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. And you could possibly help save a life. The only thing it can do is help. But mostly, I think it will help you.

Until next time,

Jamie

This post originally appeared on HashtagMomFail.com.

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

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4 Reasons Why Co-Sleeping Might Work for You

By Karolina Hobson

As a parent it is easy to stress over all of the little things. Are they eating enough? Are they growing enough? Am I spending enough time with them? Is work consuming too much of my time? Are they happy?! Questions like these plague parents in most parts of the world. However, some of the biggest questions that we ask ourselves revolve around sleeping. With any amount of lack of sleep, it makes it difficult to function on a day to day basis and be productive at work.

So how do you achieve the ultimate goal of more sleep? My answer? Co-sleeping.

For the optimal co-sleeping situation, here are a few of my tips:

1. Don’t fight it if it works. Research shows a benefit of co-sleeping is infants virtually never startle during sleep and rarely cry during the night, compared to solo sleepers who startle repeatedly throughout the night and spend four times the number of minutes crying  Startling and crying releases adrenaline, which increases heart rate and blood pressure, interferes with restful sleep and leads to long-term sleep anxiety.

2. Do what works for you and for your family. The judgment of others doesn’t matter. If co-sleeping with your baby is the best solution for you, then that is all that should be considered in the decision. As long as everyone is safe and comfortable, nothing should stop you as parents from getting as much sleep as is humanly possible.

3. It doesn’t last forever, so enjoy it while you can. One day the child will finally move on to their bed whether they do it on their own or with your help. In the meantime, it’s a time that can be seen as precious. During sleep, you can sneak those extra cuddles that one day you will miss. According to the Dr. Sears’ article on the Benefits of Co-sleeping, “Co-sleeping babies grow up with a higher self-esteem, less anxiety, become independent sooner, are better behaved in school, and are more comfortable with affection. They also have less psychiatric problems.”

4. If the baby is breastfed it is done much easier as neither the mother nor the baby has to be moved. They can just turn towards each other. This arrangement also assists the mother with maintaining her milk supply which is so vital for the baby.

The Long-Term Effects of Co-Sleeping with Children

Co-sleeping, whether widely accepted or not, can be the best arrangement for certain families. It is most definitely not something that should be overlooked just because of the stigma that’s behind it. Give it a go. This may be the solution that you’ve been looking for, or maybe you simply want to sneak more cuddles in through the night. Whatever the reasoning for the arrangement may be, if done right, it is definitely beneficial.

As a working mother of 3, I have found that I treasure the nights and know they won’t last forever. Our youngest (3.5 years old) is still in our bed every night. My biggest regret; not having enjoyed as much time with the older two!

Karolina has a unique perspective on life as she is a working mom of three, married to a busy fire captain. Juggling it all and showing her daughters it is important to maintain your identity even after you have children. To Karolina, that means pursuing her career goals and continually learning/growing in business.  

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“Sesame Street” Helps Kids to Tackle Parental Addiction

by Erica Loop

Sesame Street doesn’t shy away from tough topics. The beloved children’s show has tackled challenging subjects in the past and this time, with the help of a six-and-a-half-year-old Muppet, it’s helping kids affected by parental addiction.

The educational children’s classic recently introduced a new series of videos and other content featuring Karli, a Muppet whose mother is dealing with addiction. You may remember Karli as a new face on Sesame Street last May. Karli, who was first introduced as part of the Sesame Street in Communities foster care initiative, was in foster care. With this new initiative, the Muppet’s storyline has expanded to dig deeper into her mother’s addiction and recovery.

Favorite friends, such as Elmo and Abby Cadabby learn about addiction and help Karli to cope with what she’s going through. Sherrie Westin, President of Social Impact and Philanthropy, Sesame Workshop, said, in a press release, “Addiction is often seen as a ‘grown-up’ issue, but it impacts children in ways that aren’t always visible. Having a parent battling addiction can be one of the most isolating and stressful situations young children and their families face.”

Westin also added, “Sesame Street has always been a source of comfort to children during the toughest of times, and our new resources are designed to break down the stigma of parental addiction and help families build hope for the future.”

Learn more about Karli and how she can help children impacted by parental addiction at www.SesameStreetinCommunities.org.

—Erica Loop

Featured photo: Sesame Street in Communities via YouTube

 

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