It happened just today. I woke up fine. It was a beautiful day and I was ready to conquer it!

Breakfast. Check. Water flowers. Check. Get out deck furniture. Check. Laundry washed. Check. Check. Check. Make lunch. Check. Shower and get ready. Check. Read a self-help book. Check. And then the paralysis snuck in.

Somewhere between being exhausted and overwhelmed with all I “should” be doing was me—pinned between the two emotions so suddenly I couldn’t move. I was angry. Frustrated. And as time passed, the shame settled in.

The kids were watching a movie on a beautiful summer day. Bad Mom.

I have a million things that need to be organized and cleaned. Lazy.

I could be reading or writing or learning something. Weak. Apply something you’ve learned! I kept shouting in my head. But I wasn’t sure what I had learned. Have I learned anything to help me deal with this? What is this? Anxiety? The depression? Did I let the bad thoughts in? I was supposed to control those. Should I call someone? How could I bother anyone? Who would I call? Everyone is working. Everyone is busy. And I’m not. I’m lying here—pinned.

I’m doing nothing. Lazy. Weak. Bad. And here I am. Beginning. All. Over. Again. I was reminded of how fragile I am. It was OK to be fragile a couple of months ago when I finally started seeing a therapist after episodes that included suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I was fighting for my life then; I was fighting for my family. I had to be gentle with myself. Forgiving.

It was OK that I didn’t cook dinner, that I did nothing but breathe all day long. It was OK to take a nap and let the kids watch too much TV. It was OK that we ate Hot Pockets too often and spent money we didn’t have on fast food. It was OK that the house was a constant mess. It was OK.

But somehow since then, as I slowly started to clean more, slowly began to make meals instead of heating them up, slowly started to do a little more than just breathe, I fell back into being a perfectionist. I began expecting more of myself. I began thinking I was OK because I was doing more.

But Brene Brown emphasizes that perfectionism isn’t the same thing as striving for excellence. “Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame,” she says. “Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”

I can’t even express how well this describes me! I don’t want to be weak, lazy or bad, not to mention all the other unkind shaming thoughts that race through my mind. So I use the little strength I have left to lift that giant shield up to cover the fragile me. The shield of having a perfectly clean house. The shield of making breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one day. The shield of having the laundry done and put away. The shield of devouring self-help books that give an illusion of healing. The shield of being organized. On and on. The shield is heavy. No wonder I become exhausted so quickly.

No wonder I am pinned down and frustrated with my own weakness and fragility.

I can’t hold it up for long anymore. And trying to has made me weaker and weaker. You see, I have been on this journey of growth for over a year now. I started writing almost every day and I read books by the best on becoming whole, better, happier. I became more organized with Marie Kondo and started a bullet journal to track and remember everything. I set goals and accomplished them. I spent time serving, being with family and with friends.

My journey and the understanding I gained are documented through these beautiful books and methods and habits, but I was missing something vital. I had unknowingly used all the wonderful things I had learned and added them to my shield. And oh, how it grew.

My shield was big, shiny, and clean. Witty and nice. It was helpful and willing. It showed up for everything, said yes, agreed, allowed. Performed. Damn. It was like Captain Freaking America’s shield. And oh how well I carried that shield. But under it was me. Just me. Amy. And Amy, although master at yielding fancy shields, was deeply tired. She was small.

The shield did its job well. She wasn’t seen; she wasn’t heard. People admired that shield. They enjoyed it. They loved it. So she believed she needed it, that they wouldn’t love and admire her without it. She had put so much work into creating it, but one day she was so exhausted that it came down. And frightened, fragile Amy couldn’t lift it back up.

There was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. And the shame and the pain swarmed. And there I was, beginning, again. And today, as I set that pretty shield back down on the ground, I am beginning, again. It is time for me—not my shield—to grow.

*If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, get help right away by calling your mental health specialist or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor.

Originally published June 2020. This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

RELATED LINKS
I Know Why You’re Exhausted
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Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.

A few months ago, I woke up with a feeling of dread and deep sadness in my chest. My alarm had gone off at its usual time, 4:30 am, so I could have some alone time before my husband and the kids woke up. Even my alone time felt sad, and it’s usually the part of my day that energizes me the most. I cried on the couch as I drank my coffee and did my morning scroll, planning the day and answering emails. I couldn’t kick the feeling of dread in my body.

I did my morning workout, but the endorphins just didn’t help. I listened to my favorite song in the shower, but it didn’t make me want to sing. I simply made it through the motions of the morning. I made my way to work, got my temperature taken at the front desk and headed into my office. Later that morning, something happened that was a slight inconvenience to me and I felt white hot rage running through my veins. It was almost like my brain was on fire. I couldn’t see straight. And this was happening a lot. Almost daily. I was angry.

Was it the global pandemic? The civil unrest? The dumpster fire of an election year? The innocent people being killed in the streets?

It was all of that. Every. Single. Thing.

But it was also something else that the world seemed to be missing out on. I was a full-time working mom. With a full-time working husband. And soon we would need to figure out how to school our six-year-old kindergartener virtually while we both worked our 8-5 jobs. And, yes, we are very grateful to still have jobs right now. But thinking about it made me sweat and my heart beat faster. I became overwhelmed and panicked. But this panic looked different.

I sat at my desk in a catatonic state, with tunnel vision and a ringing in my ears. My chest felt like there was an elephant on it and I was trying not to sob.

“Crying at work is unprofessional.”

“You can’t leave right now, you have work to do.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t done any real work yet, you slacker.”

“You have to be at the office from 8-5. It’s too early to take a lunch break.”

I ended up bolting from my desk at 11 a.m., when I felt it was appropriate to leave, and had a panic attack on my living room floor. I have spent the last three months seeing a new primary care doctor, a therapist and a psychiatrist. My medicine has been changed three times. And it has been the most stressful three months of my life. I have blisters in my mouth and cysts in my armpits.

I’m not asking for a break. I’m not asking for sympathy. I am trying to use my voice to tell our business leaders and our government and those in power that are making the decisions, that we are struggling. And that struggle has created a historic rise in mental health problems and a rise in suicides. We are stressed, tired, struggling, anxious, lost, and some are suicidal. If that doesn’t make you realize we need your help, I don’t know what will.

So what do we need?

We need flexibility. We need to be allowed to be late. We need to be allowed to leave early. We need to be able to work the hours we need from home so we can help our children with their school work. We should be allowed to take a day off to try and figure it all out. We need help financially. We need you to treat us like you would expect to be treated. I know we are working for you and your bottom line, but you have to think about us. We are your employees, your constituents, your friends, your neighbors, the people passing you on the street. And we are tired. We are struggling. We are barely making it day to day. And some of us aren’t making it at all.

Until Next Time,

Jamie

This post originally appeared on Hashtag MomFail.

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

Ok. it’s 2019. I get (well not really) that people feel like their fetus needs to have its own Snapchat. But can we please take a minute to talk about this. I have a 13 year old, and I think he is literally the only kid in his 7th grade class who does not have a Social Media account. I’m not joking. Has he asked for one (or two)? Yep. But we’re still holding out. And here’s why.

1. It’s A Big Time-Suck
I‘m not going to even tell you how many hours I spend a day on Instagram. Although it’s probably just as long as you do. We’ve all been there. We have a few minutes so we open the app, just to get caught up on all of the important things Kendall Jenner is up to. Next thing we know, an hour has gone by, the laundry is still sitting in the dryer waiting to be folded, and your dog is staring at you in a judgemental way.

Now imagine how hard it would be to manage that as a 13 year old. My kid can barely manage his time as it is. His room is a mess, he forgets about important homework assignments, he has school projects to work on, guitar to practice, and swim team to get to. I can’t imagine how much harder it would be for him if he had the lure of Snapchat right at his fingertips.

Besides, he’s already on his phone too much- texting, watching YouTube or streaming “The Office.” Common Sense Media reports that teenagers spend an average of 9 hours a day on their phones, and prefer texting to talking in-person. Think about that.

2. What My Kid Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Him
My son is a super happy person. He’s involved in tons of school activities, plays the guitar and swims on a competitive swim team. He has a great group of friends with whom he texts (constantly) and hangs out with on the weekend.

But guess what? There are a lot of parties he hasn’t been invited to. Plans have been made without him. People who are hanging out on Saturday nights who decided to to include him.

Does he know about these things? Maybe, maybe not.

But, if he had Instagram or Snapchat he would see the parties, hangouts, and walks into town happening right as they were occuring. I’m not saying he should live in a bubble and think he’s included all the time- but seriously, has any 13 year old ever felt that way, ever? We live in a weird culture where there’s now a hashtag to encompass the feeling of missing out on things, and I don’t want my kid feeling that anymore than he needs to.

3. It Makes It Harder To Connect 
Remember when you were in 7th grade? If you wanted to talk to your friend on the phone, you called her house and most likely an adult answered the phone, which required you to have a conversation. Today, my son rarely has to talk to his friends’ parents because they make plans via text.

It used to be that if you wanted to watch TV, you had to do it in the family room with everyone else, and guess what? You had to compromise with your siblings when deciding what to watch. But now, my kid streams Netflix on his phone while his younger siblings watch something different on TV.

It takes real effort for families to stay connected. I go through my son’s texts and I’m constantly reminding him that only watching “The Office” with his headphones on is unnecessary since we can watch it as a family.

Retreating to Instagram or SnapChat would make it even more challenging for us to stay connected.

One of the ways our family likes to reset and connect is by going on long weekend trips throughout the school year. I can only imagine how different our time in Disney or our recent trip to Memphis would have been if he had felt the need to constantly post about what we were doing, or check in on what was going on on Social Media.

Speaking of disconnected, during our Southwest roadtrip last Summer, we saw a number of teens consumed by their phones in majestic locations like the Grand Canyon, Monument Valley, and even while hiking the Narrows in Zion National Park!

4. Serious Mental Health Risks
It’s no secret that suicide rates are on the rise. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, Suicide is the second leading cause of death, after accidental injury, among people ages 10-34. Between 2001-2017, incidents of Suicide increased by 31%  Of course, not every kid who is on Social Media is going to have suicidal thoughts. But there is clear evidence that Social Media does have an adverse effect on our mental well being.

In March of 2019, NBC News reported on a study conducted by The American Psychological Association on mental health and Social Media. The study said that kids born in 1995 and later show increased signs of mental health issues. Most notably, the greatest spike in symptoms were seen in 2011, not coincidentally the same year that Instagram and Snapchat were founded.

It’s ironic that a platform based on connecting people socially is actually associated with feelings of social isolation and social anxiety.  Think back on your time in Middle School. Everyone, at one point or another, felt lonely or anxious about a social situation. Now imagine adding Social Media to your adolescence. Can you imagine how that might have exacerbated your perceptions?

Bottom Line…

So, while I’ve given in and gotten my kid a phone—and trust me, he was one of the last to have one of those, too—when it comes to Social Media, I’m standing my ground. But here’s the interesting thing. After asking and asking for an Instagram (he knows SnapChat is not an option), one day he just stopped. Maybe it was because we explained that we didn’t want his self-worth to be dictated by how many likes he has. Or maybe it was because he was tired of hearing us say no, and he didn’t want to even bother anymore.

It will always be something. When I was in 7th grade I begged my parents for a TV in my room, and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t have a separate “Kids Line” like my friend Kelly did. My parents had their reasons, and that was that- no matter how unfair I thought they were.

Part of being a teenager is wanting what you can’t have and thinking your parents are unfair. Hell, if your kid doesn’t feel that way, then you’re probably doing something wrong!

But, our job as parents isn’t to give them what they want; our job is to help them navigate childhood (especially adolescence) in the best way possible.

Having a teenager in 2019 means you’re going to constantly be trying to balance when they should and shouldn’t be on their phone. However, it’s our job to make sure we’re providing them with the alternatives they need. Put the phone away and: go out to dinner, go to the movies together, watch a game on TV as a family, or take the dog for a family walk.

We only have them around for so long. Let’s make that time count. 

I'm Missy, a mother of three and a middle school drama teacher at a private school. I'm obsessed with my Vizsla (dog), traveling, and the musical Hamilton. I also enjoy writing and sharing fun parenting stories, which is what brought me here.

It’s so easy to be the center of attention when you have small kids. They follow you around and imitate you. The little tots’ hero-worship you, and all you see in their eyes is admiration.

Fast forward a few years, and those same eyes that looked at you with wonder and awe have suddenly changed to ones that watch you with disdain and contempt. When puberty strikes and hormones take over, it is common for your child to be more sullen, secretive, and irritable.

Instead of challenging them at every turn, questioning their behavior, and showing them that you lack trust in their abilities to overcome their problems, empathize with them. Not in a patronizing way, but in a way that draws them out from within themselves. Reach into them and find that little boy or girl who once loved and respected you unconditionally.

The only way to gain their respect is to show them that you respect them. 

Here are 6 ways to earn your child’s respect as they grow older:

1. Listen when they speak. Don’t interrupt your child when they are speaking, even if you disagree with them. Give them the floor to express themselves. Whether they are ranting or raving, they need your full attention. Listen carefully to the point they are making. Acknowledge that you heard them—restate their position if you have to. Then, offer them the alternative. 

It is easier to get what you want when your child feels they have a choice and share in the decision-making. As long as both of you communicate your frustrations respectfully, there will always be mutual respect. 

2. Set reasonable boundaries. The boundaries you set them when they were younger need to change as your children grow. You can discuss these changes together. Ask their opinion on which rules work and which ones need to be revised. 

While some things are non-negotiable, like eating as a family or eating dinner at the table, there are other limits such as sleep time that can change. It is not realistic to expect a growing teen to be in bed and asleep by 8 p.m., especially if they have homework and extra curriculars after school. 

Show them that you value their input. The rules will work better if you are on the same page.

3. Give them responsibilities. Likewise, give them responsibilities and then reward them when they act responsibly. This could be anything from keeping to the curfew to doing their weekly chores adequately. 

The responsibilities should be age-appropriate and not unrealistic. Take time to choose tasks with them and explain your expectations of them.

4. Respect their privacy. Don’t take it personally if your child pushes you away or withdraws into themselves. Remember, these times are just as confusing for them as it is for you. Sometimes, your teen just wants to mope around and be left alone, so give them space.

While it is okay to be alert to any danger signs for drug abuse or suicidal tendencies, respect your teenager’s privacy. If you have a relationship of trust built up from their infancy, you can count on your child to come to you when they have a problem they are struggling with. 

Trust is a two-way street. Trust them, and they will find it easier to trust you. Going through your child’s phone and possessions doesn’t show your faith in them, and this practice can backfire on you when they start hiding things from you.

Make time for them in your busy day. Let them know you are available at all times for them. If your child trusts you and knows you will help them and not judge them, your child will let you know when they are in over their heads.

5. Respect their beliefs. This is a tough one, even for me. We bring our children up thinking they will be like us, just better—the 2.0 version. All those values and beliefs we instill in them to make them better people. And then, along comes puberty, and everything changes. 

Your meat-loving kid is now vegan. Or your child decides that yoga is the new religion to follow (it’s an exercise!). Along with meditation and daily mantras, your child now wants to be a free spirit and live a zen life! 

Look at the bright side; all these things are good for their health. It is way better than the mum with the punk rock kid next door, who is blasting music that bursts their parents’ eardrums.

But, if you are the mum with THAT kid, then that’s okay too—embrace it. Fighting over your child’s choices is detrimental to your health and your relationship with your child.

So, respect their beliefs even if their views are different from yours. Have faith that you have raised a good human being. Your child will be able to distinguish right from wrong—no matter the color of their hair, the numerous ear or body piercings, or their dietary choices.

6. Encourage their dreams. Your child is their own person and you can’t expect them to follow your dreams. So, let them live their lives by guiding them to be the best that they can be.

Nurture their ambitions, encourage their dreams, and help make their dreams a reality.

In the words of Khalil Gibran, 

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself…You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…” — The Prophet

They need you in their corner to reach their full potential. Be that parent who gives their child all the tools they possibly can to achieve their goals.

Whether your child is a budding baker or a Neil Armstrong in the making is not important. However, you being proud of their achievements is, so keep the applause coming. You got this.  

Razia Meer is a Managing Editor at women's magazine, AmoMama, and a mother of two teens and an angel baby. With a passion for homeschooling and building wells in African countries; when she is not educating, fundraising, or editing, she writes about cryptocurrencies, families, and canines - not in that order!

A high school teacher’s clever idea for a mental health check-in chart for her students has gone viral—and now it’s helping teens across the country.

Erin Castillo, a teacher at John F. Kennedy High School in Fremont, California, shared the mental health chart she created for her students in an Instagram post that has since gone viral. The chart invites students to write their names on the back of a post-it note and stick the note to the column that best describes how they are feeling on any given day.

The options are, “I’m great”, “I’m okay,” “I’m meh,” “I’m struggling,” “I’m having a hard time and wouldn’t mind a check in” or “I’m in a really dark place.” If students choose one of the last two, Castillo will check in with them privately and refer them to the school counselor.

“I’ve had a lot of students in the last five years of my career that have struggled with self-confidence, self-doubt, image, had suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide and, after seeing all that, I’ve been making it a theme in my classroom and trying to check in with them,” Castillo said.

It has also become a useful tool for kids struggling academically as well, Castillo explained. “I’ll have a student that will be struggling with something I’m teaching and they’ll put a post-it up instead of raising their hand,” she said.

Not only has Castillo’s post been liked thousands of times, but it has also inspired other teachers to create and share mental health charts of their own. “If it can help one student, then it’d be better than where we’re at now,” Castillo said. “I hope it gets to a place where we can talk about our struggles openly and our mental health. This looks like a step in the right direction.”

—Shahrzad Warkentin

Featured photo: Kelli Cessac via Instagram

 

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