ML Interest Tag: suicide

Tips for Talking to Kids About Tragedy in the News

By Common Sense Media

No matter how old your kids are, threatening or upsetting news can affect them emotionally. Many can feel worried, frightened, angry, or even guilty. And these anxious feelings can last long after the news event is over. So what can you do as a parent to help your kids deal with all this information? Here are a few tips for talking to kids about tragedy in the news.

 

Addressing News and Current Events: Tips for All Kids

Consider your own reactions. Your kids will look to the way you handle the news to determine their own approach. If you stay calm and rational, they will, too.

Take action. Depending on the issue and kids’ ages, families can find ways to help those affected by the news. Kids can write postcards to politicians expressing their opinions; families can attend meetings or protests; kids can help assemble care packages or donate a portion of their allowance to a rescue/humanitarian effort. Check out websites that help kids do good.

 

Tips for Kids under 7

Keep the news away. Turn off the TV and radio news at the top of the hour and half hour. Read the newspaper out of range of young eyes that can be frightened by the pictures (kids may respond strongly to pictures of other kids in jeopardy). Preschool kids don’t need to see or hear about something that will only scare them silly, especially because they can easily confuse facts with fantasies or fears.

Stress that your family is safe. At this age, kids are most concerned with your safety and separation from you. Try not to minimize or discount their concerns and fears, but reassure them by explaining all the protective measures that exist to keep them safe. If the news event happened far away, you can use the distance to reassure kids. For kids who live in areas where crime and violence is a very real threat, any news account of violence may trigger extra fear. If that happens, share a few age-appropriate tips for staying and feeling safe (being with an adult, keeping away from any police activity).

Be together. Though it’s important to listen and not belittle their fears, distraction and physical comfort can go a long way. Snuggling up and watching something cheery or doing something fun together may be more effective than logical explanations about probabilities.

 

Tips for Kids 8–12

Carefully consider your child’s maturity and temperament. Many kids can handle a discussion of threatening events, but if your kids tend toward the sensitive side, be sure to keep them away from the TV news; repetitive images and stories can make dangers appear greater, more prevalent, and closer to home.

Be available for questions and conversation. At this age, many kids will see the morality of events in stark black-and-white terms and are in the process of developing their moral beliefs. You may have to explain the basics of prejudice, bias, and civil and religious strife. But be careful about making generalizations, since kids will take what you say to the bank. This is a good time to ask them what they know, since they’ll probably have gotten their information from friends, and you may have to correct facts.

Talk about — and filter — news coverage. You might explain that even news programs compete for viewers, which sometimes affects content decisions. If you let your kids use the Internet, go online with them. Some of the pictures posted are simply grisly. Monitor where your kids are going, and set your URLs to open to non-news-based portals.

 

Tips for Teens

Check in. Since, in many instances, teens will have absorbed the news independently of you, talking with them can offer great insights into their developing politics and their senses of justice and morality. It will also help you get a sense of what they already know or have learned about the situation from their own social networks. It will also give you the opportunity to throw your own insights into the mix (just don’t dismiss theirs, since that will shut down the conversation immediately).

Let teens express themselves. Many teens will feel passionately about events and may even personalize them if someone they know has been directly affected. They’ll also probably be aware that their own lives could be affected by violence. Try to address their concerns without dismissing or minimizing them. If you disagree with media portrayals, explain why so your teens can separate the mediums through which they absorb news from the messages conveyed.

 

Additional resources

For more information on how to talk to your kids about a recent tragedy, please visit the National Association of School Psychologists or the American Psychological Association. For more on how news can impact kids, check out News and America’s Kids: How Young People Perceive and Are Impacted by the News,

Marie-Louise Mares, Associate Professor in the Department of Communication Arts at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, contributed to this article.

Common Sense Media
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Common Sense Media is an independent nonprofit organization offering unbiased ratings and trusted advice to help families make smart media and technology choices. Check out our ratings and recommendations at www.commonsense.org.

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The Stress of Parenting Turned Me into a Perfectionist—and It Almost Killed Me

By Amy Jorgensen

It happened just today. I woke up fine. It was a beautiful day and I was ready to conquer it!

Breakfast. Check. Water flowers. Check. Get out deck furniture. Check. Laundry washed. Check. Check. Check. Make lunch. Check. Shower and get ready. Check. Read a self-help book. Check. And then the paralysis snuck in.

Somewhere between being exhausted and overwhelmed with all I “should” be doing was me—pinned between the two emotions so suddenly I couldn’t move. I was angry. Frustrated. And as time passed, the shame settled in.

The kids were watching a movie on a beautiful summer day. Bad Mom.

I have a million things that need to be organized and cleaned. Lazy.

I could be reading or writing or learning something. Weak. Apply something you’ve learned! I kept shouting in my head. But I wasn’t sure what I had learned. Have I learned anything to help me deal with this? What is this? Anxiety? The depression? Did I let the bad thoughts in? I was supposed to control those. Should I call someone? How could I bother anyone? Who would I call? Everyone is working. Everyone is busy. And I’m not. I’m lying here—pinned.

I’m doing nothing. Lazy. Weak. Bad. And here I am. Beginning. All. Over. Again. I was reminded of how fragile I am. It was OK to be fragile a couple of months ago when I finally started seeing a therapist after episodes that included suicidal thoughts and self-harm. I was fighting for my life then; I was fighting for my family. I had to be gentle with myself. Forgiving.

It was OK that I didn’t cook dinner, that I did nothing but breathe all day long. It was OK to take a nap and let the kids watch too much TV. It was OK that we ate Hot Pockets too often and spent money we didn’t have on fast food. It was OK that the house was a constant mess. It was OK.

But somehow since then, as I slowly started to clean more, slowly began to make meals instead of heating them up, slowly started to do a little more than just breathe, I fell back into being a perfectionist. I began expecting more of myself. I began thinking I was OK because I was doing more.

But Brene Brown emphasizes that perfectionism isn’t the same thing as striving for excellence. “Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame,” she says. “Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around, thinking it will protect us, when in fact it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen.”

I can’t even express how well this describes me! I don’t want to be weak, lazy or bad, not to mention all the other unkind shaming thoughts that race through my mind. So I use the little strength I have left to lift that giant shield up to cover the fragile me. The shield of having a perfectly clean house. The shield of making breakfast, lunch and dinner all in one day. The shield of having the laundry done and put away. The shield of devouring self-help books that give an illusion of healing. The shield of being organized. On and on. The shield is heavy. No wonder I become exhausted so quickly.

No wonder I am pinned down and frustrated with my own weakness and fragility.

I can’t hold it up for long anymore. And trying to has made me weaker and weaker. You see, I have been on this journey of growth for over a year now. I started writing almost every day and I read books by the best on becoming whole, better, happier. I became more organized with Marie Kondo and started a bullet journal to track and remember everything. I set goals and accomplished them. I spent time serving, being with family and with friends.

My journey and the understanding I gained are documented through these beautiful books and methods and habits, but I was missing something vital. I had unknowingly used all the wonderful things I had learned and added them to my shield. And oh, how it grew.

My shield was big, shiny, and clean. Witty and nice. It was helpful and willing. It showed up for everything, said yes, agreed, allowed. Performed. Damn. It was like Captain Freaking America’s shield. And oh how well I carried that shield. But under it was me. Just me. Amy. And Amy, although master at yielding fancy shields, was deeply tired. She was small.

The shield did its job well. She wasn’t seen; she wasn’t heard. People admired that shield. They enjoyed it. They loved it. So she believed she needed it, that they wouldn’t love and admire her without it. She had put so much work into creating it, but one day she was so exhausted that it came down. And frightened, fragile Amy couldn’t lift it back up.

There was nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. And the shame and the pain swarmed. And there I was, beginning, again. And today, as I set that pretty shield back down on the ground, I am beginning, again. It is time for me—not my shield—to grow.

*If you think you may hurt yourself or attempt suicide, get help right away by calling your mental health specialist or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor.

Originally published June 2020. This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

RELATED LINKS
I Know Why You’re Exhausted
I Gave Everything I Had to My Kids—and It Was Too Much
Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.

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Florida House Passes ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill, Would Ban Discussion of Sexual Orientation in Classrooms

by Tinybeans Team

Florida’s House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday that would prohibit “classroom discussion about sexual orientation or gender identity” in the state’s primary schools. The legislation is titled the “Parental Rights in Education” bill but is dubbed by critics the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, and must pass the state’s Senate and then be signed into law by Rep. Gov. Ron DeSantis to become law.

The bill, which Rep. Joe Harding (Republican) introduced  to the House, says discussions about “sexual orientation or gender identity may not occur in kindergarten through grade 3 or in a manner that is not age appropriate or developmentally appropriate for students in accordance with state standards.”

Harding said the measure is about “empowering parents” and improving the quality of life for the state’s children. “Creating boundaries at an early age of what is appropriate in our schools, when we are funding our schools, is not hate,” Harding said. “It’s actually providing boundaries, and it’s fair to our teachers and our school districts to know what we expect.” The bill would not prohibit students from talking about their LGBTQ families or bar classroom discussions about LGBTQ history, including events like the 2016 attack on the Pulse nightclub, a gay club in Orlando.

The bill has grabbed the attention of international newspapers, Hollywood actors and the White House. Democrats argued that the legislation’s text makes it unclear what age groups the bill could apply to, and the broad language of the legislation could open districts to lawsuits from parents who believe any conversation about LGBTQ people or issues to be inappropriate.

Amit Paley, the CEO and Executive Director of the Trevor Project—an LGBTQ youth suicide prevention and intervention group—said in a statement, “When lawmakers treat LGBTQ topics as taboo and brand our community as unfit for the classroom, it only adds to the existing stigma and discrimination, which puts LGBTQ young people at greater risk for bullying, depression and suicide.”A national survey by the Trevor Project… found that 42 percent of LGBTQ youths seriously considered attempting suicide last year. More than half of transgender and nonbinary youths who were surveyed seriously considered suicide, it also found.

On the House floor Thursday, Rep. Carlos Guillermo Smith, a Democrat who is gay, told lawmakers in an impassioned speech “I want to make sure that for those LGBTQ youth in Florida and around the country and in the world who are watching, I want to make sure that they know this: You are loved. You are supported. And we will wake up every single day to fight for you, because you are worth fighting for,” Smith said.

In addition to the Parental Rights in Education bill, aka “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida, 15 other bills are under consideration in eight states that would limit speech about LGBTQ identities in classrooms, according to PEN American, a nonprofit group that advocates for free speech. Three states passed similar bills last year that allow parents to opt students out of any lesson or coursework that mentions sexual orientation or gender identity.

Huh. Just curious, but when in history has ever NOT talking about something—or someone—led to anything good?

—Shelley Massey

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Snow Way! The Best NYC Sledding Hills

by alina adams

Mother Nature blessed NYC with some snow? Be prepared to hit the slopes with the kids and check out our list of the best sledding hills in New York City. We found slopes in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx and Staten Island, and hills for little kids and bigger daredevils. (P.S. you might as well read up on where to grab one of NYC’s top hot chocolates  for an apres-sledding treat!)

Manhattan

Shannon Mcgee via flickr

Pilgrim Hill
The unanimous city favorite seems to be Pilgrim Hill at 72nd Street and Fifth on the East Side in Central Park. It offers a perfect incline, very few rocks or sudden drops and a smooth, level glide that evens out at the bottom. Unfortunately, being deemed the best sledding spot in the city also means it gets very, very crowded.

Cedar Hill
For a more mellow round of sledding with smaller kids, head to Cedar Hill on the East Side, between 76th and 79th Streets.

The Great Hill
Another popular hill for sledding in Central Park, the Great Hill is further north, inside the park on the west side. Enter the park at between 103rd and Central Park West. 

Carl Schurz Park
Don't want to wait your turn? Head a few blocks north and east to Carl Schurz Park on 89th Street and East End, on the lawn north of Gracie Mansion. Bonus: there are two separate dog runs here as well.

Riverside Park
Over on the Upper West Side, some swear by Riverside Drive from roughly 90th Street to 103rd, with a particularly good hill near Hippo Playground on 91st Street. But, the Urban Rangers have been known to host snowball fights, snowman-building contests and pass out hot chocolate at the hill on 103rd Street, so take your pick. The area’s biggest drawback is that being practically atop the Hudson River leads to some frigid winds sweeping in across the water. Bundle up!

Kristine Paulus via Flickr 

96th Street/The Children’s Gate
Enter Central Park at 96th Street for another great Upper West Side spot that offers hills of various inclines, plus benches where you catch your breath. The biggest challenge here is to avoid those benches mid-flight — the ability to bail at the last possible moment is imperative.

Inwood Hill Park
Inwood Hill Park is a choice spot for sledding in NYC, especially kids with a need for speed. It's also less-crowded than spots in Central Park, and offers a nice view as well. Enter at Dykman Street or Payson Avenue. 

Inwood's Fort Tryon Park is another northern Manhattan spot for good sledding. Head to Billings Lawn, entering the park from its southern end on Margaret Corbin Circle where Cabrini Boulevard and Fort Washington Avenue meet.

More Upper West Side Sledding Options
Two other choices on the UWS are Morningside Park, from 110th to 123rd Street and Morningside Avenue, and St. Nicholas Park on 135th Street, the latter known for its gentle hills and being ideal for beginners.

Brooklyn

Allison Meier via Flickr

Prospect Park
Head for the hills near Prospect Park's Long Meadow near the entrance at Prospect Park West and 9th Street. Other favorites include the Long Meadow near Grand Army Plaza and behind the Picnic House at 3rd Street and Prospect Park West. However, if you have younger kids, you can find plenty of bunny hills throughout the park that are good for beginner sledders.

Fort Greene Park
You'll find four sled-worthy hills of varying height and intensity in Fort Greene Park between Myrtle and Dekalb Avenues.

Hillside Park
If you live in DUMBO or Brooklyn Heights, your closest spot is the tiny park that's technically in Columbia Heights. As its name suggests, Hillside Park is home to a respectable slope, and provides ample space to glide to a stop. (You'll likely see dogs romping in the snow as well, as the park is a very popular place to bring four-legged friends year-round.)

Darren Mehl via Pixabay

Sunset Park
Home to the highest point in Brooklyn, Sunset Park naturally provides some good sledding. The sweet spot is the interior of the park between 42nd and 43rd Streets.

Owl's Head Park
Further south in Bay Ridge, Owl's Head Park has nice rolling hills, with a good spot at Colonial Road and 68th Street. But dress warmly, as it is right on the water. Another southern Brooklyn sledding option is McKinley Park; head to Fort Hamilton Parkway and 75th Street for a good sledding spot.

Queens

Jason Eppink via Flickr

Astoria Park
Take your sleds to Astoria Park at 19th Street between Shore Boulevard off Ditmars Boulevard for a fun sledding spot in Queens.

Juniper Valley Park 
For another popular place to sled in Queens, head to Juniper Valley Park in Middle Village. Slopes can be found at Juniper Boulevard North & South near the Tennis Building at 75th Street.

Mary Whalen Playground
If you're thinking of going to Forest Park Golf Course's Suicide Hill, think again. It's dangerous and sledding there is prohibited by the Parks Department. (But yes, you will see families going there.) Instead, Mary Whalen Playground will offer a less nerve-racking — yet still fun — experience at Park Lane South and 79th Street.

Bronx

NYC Parks/Malcolm Pinckney

Crotona Park
The slope behind ballfield #3 at Fulton Avenue and the Cross Bronx Expressway in Crotona Park boasts an official, NYC Snow Day designation, which means you'll find organized recreational activities, snowman-building contests, snowball fights, complimentary hot chocolate, and even sleds you can borrow here. Call 311 to find out when the program is in effect.

St. Mary’s Park
The largest park in the South Bronx not only features hills much less crowded than the ones above, but also a recreation center. In non-covid times, this is a good place to warm up before a second run.

Staten Island

Nicki Dugan Pogue via Flickr

Clove Lakes Park
A local gem, this protected Forever Wild site isn’t exclusively about ecology. It is also a Snow Day site where the park employees put out bales of hay to soften people's landings.

Mission of the Immaculate Virgin at Mount Loretto
This South Shore hotspot for sledding in Pleasant Plains was founded as an orphanage by a priest. The orphanage is long gone, but parents may find comfort in the idea that some angels might still be hanging around looking out for daredevil kids.

For a complete list of city parks that allow sledding, visit: nycgovparks.org.

— Alina Adams & Julie Seguss

feature image: via unsplash.com

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Perfect Parenting Is Being Able to Forgive

By Angela Rainbolt

Have you forgiven yourself? Yes, you read that correctly. Have you forgiven yourself? We are human beings, and we make mistakes. Somehow or another, parent status is synonymous with perfection. We expect it from others, especially now in the digital age, and we expect it from ourselves. We portray images online and cry in private. I am just 13 days away from entering my 30th year of parenting and I can tell you that perfect is not how I would describe those years. They were perfectly broken. They were perfectly difficult. They were perfectly dysfunctional. I think you are starting to understand.

My oldest daughter, who will be 29 in a couple of weeks, has chosen to not talk to me or her sisters for a year and a half now. Mental health issues have been a steady theme in our lives. By the time I found out that I was pregnant with her, I had thought about suicide more times than I care to count, had taken drugs, had drank until I puked, had stayed out all night, had slept with too many guys, flunked out of my freshman year of college, and the list of poor choices goes on. I was looking for validation. I needed someone to make me feel like I was okay. I needed to feel like my presence mattered. I thought having my daughter would change things. I thought that she would give me everything I was looking for. I was scared as hell, but in my young mind I couldn’t come to any other decision but to continue with the pregnancy. 

They say that hindsight is 20/20 but even now I don’t think I know what the right choice was. Perhaps keeping her helped me stay away from some damaging behaviors but not all of them. I continued to use alcohol for many years. I went out at nights trying to find fun and excitement. I had men in and out of my life. I failed at getting my college degree. I quit jobs when things got hard or I didn’t know how to resolve issues. I have thought about the alternatives. But there is not another person that could love her more than I did and do. However, I was broken. Right now, I am, at best, refurbished.

I think about those years more than you could even imagine that I do. I could never find peace and admonished myself many nights in the dark when I was trying to sleep. Once my daughter became an adult, she seemed to get more adjusted as time went on. She was finding her stride and told me thank you many times. I mentioned several times that I was happy that she still loved me. I would tell her this because it was truly how I felt, and I knew that if she could still love me after everything I put her through that maybe I could find a way to forgive myself. In the last few years, I started to allow myself to heal and forgive myself for everything: the poor choices, the yelling, the lack of guidance, the physical punishments, etc. Everything changed this year when you spoke about your recent diagnoses. That telephone conversation brought everything back and the doubt and self-punishment crept back in. This was closely followed by another conversation where you asked me questions that I knew would come someday. Questions that could have been asked a dozen times over the last ten years. 

It is impossible for us to do better until we know better. It really wasn’t until a few years ago that my mind started to get better. I took control of my depression and anxiety. I started walking every day and allowing myself to get in my thoughts and resolve how I felt about my life. I started to lose weight and gain a smile. I started to get more active in my community. I joined the booster club associated with my daughter’s basketball team, made friends, and eventually started to feel like a good person. This was a stark difference to all the parenting years beforehand. I was never involved. I didn’t go to school events and, most of the time, would try to talk my kids out of taking part in things that would require me doing so. My oldest daughter had ADHD and that, combined with my own mental health issues, just made it nearly impossible for me to be an active parent. I was always exhausted, sad, and angry.

And part of the process of knowing better and moving forward is the process of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process and is never over. We will, most likely, need to continue forgiving ourselves for years to come. I know that I am. Allow yourself to go down the road of forgiveness and you will find yourself in the glorious world of the chaotic perfection that is parenting. I ask you again, have you forgiven yourself? 

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

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Check In with Your Children

By Jamie Edelbrock

I always check my phone first thing in the morning. I live multiple time zones away from my hometown, so there are usually a handful of texts and emails from friends and family waiting for me, as well as notifications from my social media accounts. Scrolling through the messages, posts, and memes usually brings a smile to my face, but yesterday morning was different.

My mind went numb, and I couldn’t comprehend a post I was reading. A teenager, my daughter’s age, from her former school, lost their life. I was heartbroken. My heart was heavy for their parents, their friends, and the community. As my head began to clear, I started connecting the dots. I realized the teenager was likely a close friend of my daughter. My heart sank, and I immediately ran to her bedroom. Tears filled her eyes as she confirmed my fears. Her dear friend, who had been at our house multiple times right before we moved and with whom she still regularly communicated, was gone.

I don’t know how long we sat on her bed holding each other, crying. All I know is that sorrow surrounded us like a thick blanket as we sat there in silence. There were no words that could bring comfort at that moment.

Yesterday was the first time in my parenting journey where I was at a complete loss. Nothing had prepared me to walk my daughter through something so devastating. I had never read a book or parenting guide on picking up the pieces of my daughter’s shattered heart, nor had I watched a how-to video on explaining suicide and death to a young teenager. I think when we’re young, we know in the back of our heads that older generations will inevitably pass on and, though difficult, come to accept it as part of life. But not this. This was a wonderful young teenager. Again, I was at a complete loss.

Not knowing what to do, I let the moment and my mama instincts take over. After we let go of our embrace, I decided to let go of our day’s expectations and schedule. I contacted her school counselor, teachers, and mentors. I made her favorite comfort foods. I sat with her when she wanted me to and gave her space when she needed me to. We spent the day grieving, and I wasn’t sure how to move us forward.

I may not have known how to inch forward, but I know I am not the only one that feels this way. The devastating news rocked our home community. Friends and loved ones have been shaken to their core, and each one of us is dealing with this differently. I wanted to make sure I was doing the best thing for my grieving daughter, so I spent the majority of the day researching how to help a teenager grieve properly. I want to share two helpful resources. For the sake of our children’s mental health, I highly recommend reading both.

The first one is by Madelynn Vickers called Teen Grief 101: Helping Teens Deal with Loss. My favorite quote from the article reminds me of how important comforting your teen is. It says,

“You should find out what comforts the teen. If it’s watching the deceased person’s favorite movie over and over again, that movie better be on repeat. There are so many ways to help teenagers cope with a loss; you just have to figure out which one works best.”

The second resource was sent to me by my daughters’ counselor. It’s called Talking to Children about a Suicide Loss. The article talks about the importance of speaking truthfully to your child. It says, “It might be harder to truthfully talk about the death of a loved one following suicide without leaving some information out. But not being honest can mean they may fill in the gaps with their imagination or half-truths they hear from others, which can lead to bigger issues, like anxiety. Clear and honest communication reassures children that someone will take care of them physically and emotionally. It also creates a renewed sense of safety, security and trust.”

I expect my daughter to carry the heaviness of her friend’s death with her for a while, as is the norm when facing loss. In fact, I imagine all of us in this community will be under a blanket of sorrow for a while. I hope these resources help you as they helped me.

Please know I am not an expert; I am an imperfect mom at best. But I am also an advocate for children’s mental health. While we may not know what to do in heartbreaking situations like this, these situations are the opportune time to educate ourselves and connect with our children. In fact, it’s the perfect opportunity to check in on their mental health. Parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, youth leaders, tutors, and coaches…please check in with the children in your life! They carry more than we realize. They deal with loneliness, academic demands, social pressure, media influence, relationship stress, and much more.

Collectively and individually, these stressors can cause anxiety as well as depression, which can become too heavy of a burden to bear. Our children need us to reassuringly take their hands and allow them to catch their breath. They need us to walk with them through this life and let them know they are not alone. They need to be assured that while life is messy, we can all get through it together.

This post originally appeared on www.jamieedelbrock.com/blog.

Jamie is married to her high school sweetheart and has three beautiful daughters. Through years of experience working with children, and raising her own, she knows how difficult parenting can be. She is an advocate for children's mental health and is best known for her creativity, optimism, and kind heart.

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Is it Postpartum Depression or Just ‘Baby Blues’?

By Dr. Alan Lindemann

As the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) tells us, it’s not uncommon for women to experience feelings of sadness or even depression after giving birth, but how can you tell if what you’re going through is actually postpartum depression?

Let’s take a closer look at what so many women go through to help you better understand what you are experiencing, or may experience. And please, if you have any feelings of depression after giving birth, call your doctor right away so someone can monitor you and ensure your health and safety.

What Are “Baby Blues”?

The normal bouts of sadness that occur for 70–80% of women after giving birth are what the ACOG calls “baby blues.” The best way to think about this is to understand that your body and your way of life are both undergoing marked shifts during this period of time. This is all very normal, and very necessary.

Your body is adjusting physically (including hormonally) as you go from having your baby in the womb to caring for your baby out in the world. Growing a baby and lactating to feed a baby call on your body to perform different functions, so you can see that it is only natural that your body is undergoing some major changes.

This time after birth (and for as long as you are lactating) is certainly different from being pregnant, but it is also not back to your pre-pregnancy “normal”; it is its own new state of being, and you are adjusting to that.

During all this shifting and adjusting, it is natural for women to experience some initial sadness and difficulty caring for their newborn. According to the ACOG, these “baby blues” typically resolve on their own within a few weeks. However, if feelings of sadness or depression persist, you may be dealing with postpartum depression.

5 Signs You May Have Postpartum Depression

Many new mothers don’t even realize that they are depressed. That’s why it is a good idea to have a partner or other support person commit to checking in on you and watching for the signs of postpartum depression. If you do find that you are suffering from any of these signs or symptoms—particularly if you are several weeks past giving birth—seek medical attention as soon as possible. If you are unable to get an appointment with your physician, try your community hotlines for depression.

In the first year after birth, an estimated one in seven American women experience postpartum depression. As discussed above, “baby blues” affect up to 80% of women and can often last for a couple of weeks. If these feelings don’t resolve on their own, though, you may be facing postpartum depression. According to the ACOG, “baby blues” stretching out for 8–10 weeks after birth indicates the postpartum depression condition.

Here are some of the most common signs that you are likely suffering from postpartum depression:

1. Overwhelming feelings of sadness.
2. Feeling fatigued, like you can’t get anything done.
3. Feeling unmotivated to care for yourself or your baby.
4. Having trouble breastfeeding your baby.
5. Feelings of guilt for believing you’re not a good parent.

When postpartum depression is not addressed, new mothers sometimes deal with suicidal ideation and can become a very real suicide risk. Furthermore, when the depression continues to deepen from lack of treatment, the mother can enter the stage of postpartum psychosis. In this doubly dangerous state, the lives of both the mother and her children are at risk.

If you or someone you love shows signs of postpartum depression, contact their doctor right away to secure appropriate treatment. There is no shame in suffering from this condition. It is more common than you think. As common as it is, however, it must be attended to promptly so that mother, baby, and other children are safe.

If you are reading this prior to giving birth, touch base with your obstetrician now to establish a connection with their preferred psychiatric referral. If you have already given birth and are in need, call right away and be prepared to be connected with a counselor in case it takes some time to secure a psychiatric appointment.

The key here is twofold: awareness, then action. If pregnant women and their support people make themselves aware of the signs and necessary actions to address postpartum depression, mothers, fathers, and their children will be safe.

RELATED:
What You Need to Know about Postpartum
5 Ways Lockdown Is like Postpartum
Don’t Ignore These Signs of Postpartum Depression
 

Dr. Alan Lindemann
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

An obstetrician and maternal mortality expert, “Rural Doc” Alan Lindemann, M.D. teaches women and families how to create the outcomes they want for their own health and pregnancy. In nearly 40 years of practice, he has delivered around 6,000 babies and achieved a maternal mortality rate of zero! Visit LindemannMD.com

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Instagram for Kids Isn’t a Bad Idea. It’s a Terrible Idea

By Sean Herman

I’m going on the record saying that “Instagram for Kids” might be the worst idea I’ve ever heard, and here’s why: a platform like that will have consequences. Facebook, as a company, makes very intentional decisions—and all the negative impacts from this decision are fairly easy to anticipate. I’ve even listed them out below. And, as surely as Instagram for Kids is a bad idea, Facebook will spin its inevitable issues as “unintended consequences.” Because I’m a parent and the founder of a tech company dedicated to improving technology for our children, the consequences feel obvious, not “unintended.”

A Platform Built on Comparison & Competition
Instagram is the poster child of striving for perfection. I’ve written before that social validation is the number one thing I worry about as a parent, especially in the context of rising depression and anxiety rates among youth. Unlike many, I don’t solely place the blame on smartphones or social media, and in general, I’m pretty pro-technology. We could argue correlation vs causation all day, but I’ve seen enough anecdotal evidence to change the way I view technology and how I parent. The fact is that likes and followers matter to kids, and many measure their self-worth this way. We’ve seen social validation mechanisms like this show up in apps for kids like PopJam, but Instagram takes that to a whole new level.

An Easy Target for Online Predators
This feels like stating the obvious, but a platform where children post pictures of themselves, their friends and their lives is ripe for online predation, and cases of children being groomed and abused via adult social media platforms are already well documented. A particularly disturbing documentary from Bark Technologies demonstrated how quickly it can happen. Their team collaborated with law enforcement to create fictional profiles of teens and tweens to see how quickly predators would reach out, and within one hour of posting a profile for a fake 15-year-old girl on Instagram, seven adult men attempted to contact her. After nine days, 92 potential predators had made contact. The team then launched an 11-year-old persona, and within minutes, multiple would-be abusers reached out. The dangers are real.

Usually, platforms designed for kids need to verify that an adult is an adult, but “Instagram for Kids” may pose the opposite. It could be difficult to prevent predators from posing as children to gain access and follow young users. The last thing I want to do is instill panic in parents, but the stats are grim: from January to September 2020, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children received 30,236 reports of possible online enticement. And those are just the ones that were reported. I can’t help but feel that “Instagram for Kids” would be enticing to predators—and while that clearly isn’t Facebook’s intention, it’s certainly easy to predict.

The Trouble with Locking It down
Kids want to feel empowered. If Facebook severely limits what kids can do on “Instagram for Kids,” they’ll hate it. Just look at the example of YouTube. It’s the number one most-loved brand among kids—blowing YouTube Kids out of the water. Any parent will confirm that kids do NOT want to feel like babies. Adult platforms simply do not retrofit easily to serve kids. They’re built with specific goals and it’s very difficult to secure them in a way that’s appropriate for children. YouTube Kids had videos with sexual content and suicide instructions. Facebook Messenger Kids had a design flaw that allowed kids to connect with strangers. Retrofitting just doesn’t work.

Kidfluencers Version 2.0
Unless Instagram for Kids is a closed platform, I think we’ll see a rise of kidfluencers. Perhaps the most notable example of this phenomenon is Ryan Kaji, the kid behind the highest-earning YouTube channel in 2018 and 2019. As a platform for youth under 13, “Instagram for Kids” might restrict ads—but how will they manage influencing? These contracts are made outside of the platform, offering individuals compensation for featuring or mentioning certain products or services in videos, photos or comments. Even some adults can’t always tell when they are being sold to, and I suspect it will be all the more difficult for children. And there’s precedent for this kind of thing: Walmart, Staples and Mattel have bankrolled endorsement deals for kids and tweens in the past. While kids who star in television and movies are protected by legislation requiring that their earnings be placed in a trust, there is nothing to protect income generated by kidfluencers—leaving kids potentially exposed to exploitation.

Should We Create Kids Cigarettes While We’re at It?
For all the reasons listed above, “Instagram for Kids” is a “hard no” for me. But you often hear people argue that kids are using the platform anyhow, so why not create a separate platform with a few more parental controls? To me, this argument is fundamentally flawed. After all, kids are often attracted to things that aren’t safe or healthy for them. Many are intrigued by smoking, drinking and drugs, but there’s a reason we don’t just lower the drinking and smoking age. As a society, we’ve agreed that some things are best left until kids grow up a bit—and I think Instagram is one of them.

The answer to children using Instagram isn’t to put up a few guardrails. It doesn’t address the root problem at all. The effects of these platforms on youth are still largely unknown, but the anecdotal evidence points to the fact that they probably do more harm than good. Using our kids as guinea pigs in a real-life experiment isn’t the answer. Kids are the fastest-growing group of internet users and have unique needs that have to be protected—not exploited by Big Tech.

Sean Herman is the founder and CEO of Kinzoo, an exciting new company that helps parents turn screen time into family time. His first book, "Screen Captured," debuted at number one in Amazon's parenting category, and his writing separates technology fact from fiction for his fellow parents.

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What Is Social Media Depression and Is Your Child at Risk?

By Isabel Cintra

If Snapchat filters, Instagram followers, boomerang pics, the perfect photo, tweets, and Facebook ‘likes’ seem to consume your teen’s life, it is no surprise. Social media use is currently the most common activity enjoyed by children and teenagers. Over 75 percent of children own a cellular phone, and the majority use it to access social media platforms several times each day. With such a broad reach and widespread popularity among our youth, it’s important that parents understand that while mostly fun and games there can be negative consequences of excessive social media use. 

Does the following sound familiar?

Lately you’ve noticed that your child appears aloof, irritable, and withdrawn. He prefers to be left alone in his room spending time on Instagram and Snapchat. Though he is restricted from screen time after bedtime, he has had several nights of breaking this rule and staying up late to check his social media feeds. As his parent, you’ve established rules regarding social media use including having access to his social media platforms usernames and passwords. You’ve come to learn, that he has a fake Instagram (i.e. a “Finstagram”) account and has experienced bullying due to some recent posts.  

Or this?

Your teen has been unusually irritable. She’s having trouble sleeping and is spending more time alone. She’d rather sit in her room and swipe and post on her social media feeds than spend time with her family or even go out with friends. She appears overly concerned with her physical appearance and getting the “perfect look” for pictures. Once cheerful and self-assured, she has lately become self-doubting and withdrawn.

At first glance, we might think that behaviors and mood symptoms such as these can be chalked up to a teenage funk or a child hitting a rough patch. Another possible cause? Social media depression. Social media depression refers to a clinical depression that results from the intensity, pressure, and eventual isolation stemming from social media use. And unfortunately, it is becoming increasingly common among kids and teens.

Social media depression is not recognized as a formal diagnosis among health care professionals. Yet, there is a growing body of research that shows an association between social media use and clinical depression, especially among youth and young adults—thus the term “social media depression.”

How do you know if your youth is struggling with a clinical depression and this is more than a moody teenager? If you notice that your child has several of the following symptoms over a two week period or more, then you should be concerned about clinical depression: depressed mood (most of the day and nearly every day), changes in sleep pattern (sleeping too much or too little), loss of energy nearly every day, poor concentration, an inability to experience pleasure in activities that your child previously enjoyed, increased time alone and reduced time with friends, or even talk of death or suicide. 

Social media may be an underlying cause if your youth has an excessive amount of interest and time spent on YouTube, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook. Take heed if you notice the following behaviors and telling signs: spending considerable amounts of time on social media at the expense of real friendships and family time, a hyper-focus on physical appearance because of a posting the “perfect” picture, and excessive comparisons of themselves to friends.

If you suspect that your child is suffering from clinical depression, that’s your cue to take the next step. Get professional help—the sooner, the better.  We’ve seen that early intervention can make a great difference. 

Written by Dr. Carlin Barnes and Dr. Marketa Wills.

Through her vibrant picture books, illustrated by her brother Zeka Cintra,Isabel strives to introduce kids to a world where diversity is valuable and beautiful. Fantasy, representativeness and diversity are common themes in her editorial production. She currently resides in Stockholm, Sweden with her husband and daughters.

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