Target, Walmart, Costco, and Home Depot are among the retail giants closing on Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving. The turkey. The stuffing. The warm, welcoming love of your family as you surround each other and give thanks for everything you have. Oh, and the shopping too. Wait. Isn’t this supposed to be a holiday about thankfulness, and not about where you can get a new mattress for 60% off or the latest TV for one-third off the price that it normally is? If you’ve noticed that a growing number of stores are starting their Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving Thursday, you’re not alone. And plenty of people (shoppers and employees) don’t like it.
In response to this, some retailers are staying closed on Thanksgiving Day. Yep, that’s right. Those amazingly awesome deals are going to have to wait until Friday — giving employees a full day off. So instead of heading out to the mall, you may just need to stay home with your family.
photo: Heidi Finn via Unsplash
Which stores are waiting until Black Friday to open? There’s a growing list of stores that have full Thanksgiving closings, including:
Ace Hardware
Barnes & Noble
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Best Buy
BJ’s Wholesale
Costco
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Footlocker
Home Goods
Homesense
IKEA
Kohl’s
Macy’s
Marshall’s
Nordstrom
Nordstrom Rack
Petco
REI (with be closed both Thanksgiving and Black Friday)
Sam’s Club
Staples
Simon Property Group (U.S.’s biggest mall group)
Target
The Container Store
TJ Maxx
Walmart
Check with your favorite retailers before heading out to shop them on Thanksgiving Thursday.
I am an introvert. Basically, I like quiet. I like to be alone. I like peace. And I’m a mom.
As you can imagine, being an introvert and being a mom don’t always mix. Introverts breathe in solace and breathe out society. Being around people, even little people, expends our energy. That doesn’t mean we hate it; it’s just tiring. Being alone restores us.
But finding sufficient alone time isn’t the only hard thing about being an introverted mother. I have a whole list: I hate playdates. Having them isn’t the issue. It’s setting them up: coordinating, scheduling, remembering, driving… Even when someone invites my kids to their house, it stresses me out. Ridiculous, I know. Especially because most of my children’s friends are my friends. And I love my friends. But here we are.
Doing cool stuff with my kids stresses me out. I mean, I can’t even buy groceries without worrying my children will be kidnapped (which unfortunately isn’t an illogical fear anymore). So why would I subject myself to a zoo or museum? We have a small list of comfort zones: home, the farm, grandma’s, the mountain, the ranch, and sometimes Hobby Lobby.
The idea of my child, let alone more than one, being in sports/dance/music lessons that require me to consistently drive them somewhere, remember things, and interact with other adults gives me major anxiety.
I don’t like to do my girls’ hair. Yes, I have four daughters and I don’t like doing their hair. Well, I like doing the baby’s hair. But everyone else cries or complains or tries to run away, and it all just becomes a fight. And I’m not really good at doing hair anyway so it never quite turns out how we imagine. Grandpa Todd started calling three-year-old Adeline “Tarzan” because she has long wild hair and is usually half-naked. It’s fine. Might as well be wild and half-naked while you can.
And I especially hate bedtime. The whole to-do list of bedtime. PJs. Teeth. Homework. The “you said we could…” or “we forgot to…”s. Ugh. The begging for snuggles and stories and heart-to-hearts while I’m exhausted and so done. All made worse by the anticipation of that quiet, peaceful, alone time I’ve been craving is enough to make me crazy.
I used to feel immense guilt for hating playdates and hair and bedtime. Over time, I started to deeply believe that I wasn’t a good mother. Everyone else seemed to do these things easily, so I thought that I should, too. I should put my kids in every available sport/class. I should have a play date for each child several times a week. I should learn how to do fancy hairdos. I should read to my kids before bed. I should snuggle with them. I should take them on dates. I should do more. I should be more.
The should list grew, and so did the stress and anxiety. I became the awful mother I believed I was. Then one night, my husband and I were able to get away and go to a movie without the kids: Avengers: Endgame. It was late, and I would have preferred sleeping, but I fought to keep my eyes open (because how often do you go to a movie without kids?), and I’m so glad I did.
Thor, or rather, the heavy, depressed, broken, and aimless version of Thor, goes back in time and runs into his mother. She says something at that moment that hit me so hard it felt like a physical blow. “Everyone fails at who they are supposed to be.” EVERYONE FAILS AT WHO THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. EVERYONE. FAILS. AT. WHO. THEY. ARE. SUPPOSED. TO. BE.
I was trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be. I thought I was supposed to have playdates like Ashley. I thought I was supposed to do amazing hairdos like Kristy. I thought I was supposed to put my kids in every sport available like Lisa. I thought I was supposed to gently love my children to sleep every night like Marissa. I thought I was supposed to do cool stuff with my kids like Kara. I thought I was supposed to be something I’m not. No wonder I felt like I was failing.
So now, I’m being brave and working on playdates, but we don’t have them often, and that’s okay. I’ve learned a few hairstyles, but we keep it pretty and simple. I’m teaching my older girls to brush their own hair so I don’t have to. And that’s okay. We’ve signed our kids up for a few classes so they can learn what they like, but we also recognize all the amazing unique things they already do and get to experience. And it’s all okay. And bedtime. I don’t read bedtime stories; we read earlier. My older girls and I use a mommy & me journal to write down all those heart-to-hearts, and we love sneaking them under each other’s pillows. Each night we pray and kiss goodnight and that’s it. And that’s okay.
We do things differently than the Ashley’s and Kristy’s and Kara’s and that’s okay. My kids are happy. They are fulfilled and loved and thriving. And now so am I. I’m not failing because I’m learning to embrace myself, to be myself. I am an introvert—and a great mom.
Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.
It’s 7 a.m. on a school day, and I am dreading waking up my child. But of course, it must be done—so I tiptoe into his room and sit down on the side of his bed, allowing myself a moment before the day begins. He still looks like a little boy in these quiet moments—all rosy cheeks and tousled hair, his small body curled beneath a Lightning McQueen blanket, a raggedy stuffed dog flopped by his pillow.
I run my fingers softly through his hair and say, in my most gentle voice, “Good moooooorning, Alex*. Time to wake up.” And then, like always, my beloved nine-year-old son rolls his body away from me, his blue eyes shut tightly, and says, “SHUT UP.”
This is how our day begins.
This is me parenting my child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, also known as ODD.
For those of you who don’t know, ODD is a diagnosis given to kids who exhibit “chronic aggression.” To outsiders, they’re the “mean kids.” The “tough kids.” The “spirited” kids. Clinically speaking, they’re the kids who often defy requests or rules, who deliberately annoy people, who blame others for their own bad behavior and who “may seem to feel most comfortable in the midst of a conflict,” according to this article.
For me, having a kid with ODD means that every walk to school is fraught with insults (toward me or his two younger siblings). It means every car ride ends with at least one child crying. It means every day I try my hardest to have patience but, inevitably, don’t. Because how can you not lose your cool when your nine-year-old just told his little brother that he “wished he wasn’t born”—all because he wouldn’t let him play with his yo-yo.
It means all the parenting techniques my well-wishing friends give me won’t help a child who doesn’t think like other children. It means I fail on a daily basis to make my child happy. It means (and this is the part that is the hardest to say out loud) that while I love my child with everything I’ve got—there are times when he’s hard to like.
“Living with a child who has these emotional issues can make life at home astonishingly challenging,” writes psychologist Seth Meyers in Psychology Today. “Daily life can feel relentlessly frustrating, chaotic and draining. At home, this child at, say, age 6, 10, 12, refuses almost all parental demands. They refuse to take a bath; they refuse to do homework; and they refuse to do chores.”
“Witnesses might understandably wonder, ‘How could you let your child talk like that?'” Meyers adds.“The reality, however, for parents with this type of child is that they are trying to manage something that feels impossible.”
Much of the time, Alex operates like he’s a spring-loaded trap ready to snap. One tiny mishap may ignite a fire of emotions. One thing that doesn’t go his way can set off a spiral of bad behavior that is only undone by turning on the TV and letting him get lost in it. Yesterday, for instance, he slipped into a puddle after school and then spent the next 20 minutes calling us “idiots” and noncommittally bopping his brother and sister on the head like one those mean cats who swats at you every time you walk by and accidentally ruffle its fur.
The good news? It’s not all his fault. Brain scans of kids diagnosed with ODD suggest that they have subtle differences in the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment and impulse control. And, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, these kids may have trouble identifying and interpreting social cues and, consequently, “tend to see hostile intent in neutral situations.”
“These kids aren’t trying to be ‘brats’ or kids who ‘rule their parents’ lives,'” said author Whitney Cummings in this Psych Central article. “They’re just trying to cope with what their brain has given them as a priority. They feel the need to control their environments in order to feel safe.”
For Alex, it started early. Reeeeeallly early.
I remember going in for a 3D ultrasound when I was just 12 weeks pregnant. The kid hadn’t even been born yet and—I kid you not—he spent the whole ultrasound session tirelessly hitting his tiny hands against my uterine wall as if he were trying to punch his way out. At the time, I found this strangely adorable: Awww, look! How cute! He’s a fighter! But now I think that maybe he was restless from the beginning.
When he was born, he was colicky. He fought sleep and baths. He screamed during car and stroller rides. He didn’t like being held. He nursed fitfully. Around five months old, the colic went away, and we had year or so of relative normalcy: He smiled. He stood. He said “Mama” and “Dada.”
We cheered on his firsts. We delighted in his giggles. We loved his spirit. And then, just before he started walking, he started having these weird spasms where his whole body would shake in bursts. I rushed him to a neurologist, fearing the worst. After a thorough exam, the very kind doctor told me that it was just Alex’s temper. He “just doesn’t like being a baby.” The doctor wished me luck. Because, of course, the spasms went away, but the temper didn’t.
We took him to multiple therapists. We had weekly sessions where he drew pictures of his feelings and we talked about what was happening at home. And while he clearly loved being with us for that one-on-one time, it didn’t change the fact that he argued through every moment of every day. Conflict was simply his resting state.
We considered that he might be on the spectrum. We wondered if he was anxious or depressed. I even Googled “sociopathic symptoms in children,” because, I insisted, surely there was something wrong. Kids aren’t supposed to be this hard. Eight-year-olds aren’t supposed to wish their mommies were dead—their hands pulling pretend triggers in the air—all because they aren’t allowed a Laffy Taffy before dinner.
When finally a diagnosis came, I wasn’t sure what to feel. I had wanted an easy answer, a quick fix. Instead, I got a label that doesn’t really do much except say, “Yep, your kid is mean… and I know you’re exhausted… but now you’re going to have to work really hard to make this better.”
Because if ODD isn’t addressed when kids are young, it can evolve into “conduct disorder,” which is where the big troubles really start (these kids do things like set fires and commit crimes). Thankfully, intensive therapy and parent coaching can help turn kids around before they get there.
It’s going to be a long road. But we’ll be there for him every step of the way because we love him. And when it comes down to it, all we want is for him to be happy.
One of our therapists told us once that our children choose us for a reason. I think about that a lot. I think maybe Alex chose us so he could teach us patience. Understanding. Unconditional love. I know that somewhere inside all that defiance is a little boy who needs us. Who loves us. Who wants to be good. We just have to help him get out.
Mia is a freelance writer and mother of three. She writes about her journey parenting children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and other related conditions because she wants other parents to know they are NOT ALONE.
Before children, I thought the hard stuff was going to be the chores—the sheer abundance of them, getting them to sleep, feeding them, having to change so many diapers. And then doing it all over again, all on relatively no sleep.
So when I was able to manage that, I was kind of like, “Okay, I got this! I’m utterly exhausted, but I’ll sleep when they’re 3.” Then, as my kids got older, I figured as long as I didn’t feed them chicken nuggets or give them Hawaiian Punch at every meal I’d be on the right track.
And so, I just assumed that the other stuff, like making them happy, polite emotionally stable human beings would just fall into place. I figured, I’m a good person with manners and I am generally emotionally stable, so that should translate into being a great parent with great kids. I’d be a great role model for them. The “chill mom.” How could anything go wrong? Bingo, automatic pilot.
So when I struggled to get shoes on and leave the house on time or my child literally freaked out because someone had made a mark on her drawing or melted down because I was neither close enough nor far away enough from the jungle gym as I spotted her, I had to really stop and think.
If I could have talked to the parenting gods, I would literally have looked up to the heavens and said, “What the hell is this? Are you kidding me?? I am doing this all the right way! I’m easy going, I’m not helicopter parenting, I’ve got the right amount of schedule,with the right amount of go with the flow thing going on here! They are not supposed to be acting like this—I repeat—not supposed to be acting like this!”
I’d sort of imagined I would instinctively know how to handle these situations. I’d know what to do when they were hurt, know what to do when they were upset or seemingly irrational – know exactly how to get them to get over things, move on, cooperate.
Essentially, how to get them to “feel” better.
That was it. I couldn’t change the way they felt. If they were angry, I couldn’t always get them to calm down. If they were upset and crying, I couldn’t automatically make them happy again. What kind of horrible mother was I? I thought I’d have this magic touch. Wasn’t it that simple?
So I thought about this, maybe it wouldn’t happen again. It was just the lack of an afternoon nap, or they must be hungry, but of course it would happen again, and again and the cycle would repeat itself. My child would get upset, about something or other. And it seemed like no matter what I did, they became more upset and sometimes, eventually angry.
I would twist myself into a pretzel cajoling, distracting, sweetly explaining things, and after an insane amount of patience on my part, or so I thought, I would become upset and even angry. So now, I was angry at my kid for essentially being upset about something. And somewhere down the line I would become upset at myself for not handling it correctly.
It was then I realized I needed to search beyond my magical intuition for some guidance.
And this was the most surprising thing to me about parenting, I couldn’t make them feel better. They’d misbehave because they were upset and I was at a loss about handling it. The subtle nuances of discipline weren’t clear and straightforward. I thought they would be.
How exactly do I deal with these meltdowns and the power struggles? Time-outs didn’t feel right. I mean, isolating them on a stool so that they could reflect on their bad behavior. Yeah, I’m thinking that’s not going to work. And, it feels mean. But then, I can’t let them just do whatever they want. I really felt like the outside world was judging me on the success of every public parent conflict. Secretly thinking to themselves, is she really going to let them get away with that?
What kind of disciplinarian was I? What did that mean to me, discipline? I certainly am not going to hit, I don’t want to yell all the time—only some of the time, okay—but not all the time.
But, I have to be the parent. They are supposed to do what I tell them, am I right? I need to have control. At least that’s what the lady at Petco told me as my child screamed inconsolably in the stroller. Yes, she did, she told me that. My response was not my best parenting moment.
My younger sister who had kids well before me would say when I tried to calmly explain to my nephew that he couldn’t swing from the dining room chandelier because he might get hurt, that you can’t reason with a two-year-old. And that’s true. But that still doesn’t explain how I should deal with this stuff.
Here’s what I’ve learned. We’re not talking about reasoning and we’re not commanding them listen to us. We’re also not asking them to jump ahead to where we want them to be emotionally by saying, “come on sweetie, come here, to this enlightened place where I am. I know best”. No, that doesn’t work.
You essentially have to start by meeting them where they are first. That crazy upset place they are sitting in. You go in to where they are and you stay there until they can move on with you. And this is what Parenting is really, over and over again, meet them there. And then of course a hell of a lot of acceptance of that. Because you will continually want to go back to either just fixing the damned situation or making them deal with it.
And so, how do you get there?
1. See your child where they are, not where you want them to be or hope that by coaxing, prodding, bribing, yelling or threatening they will be.
Don’t rush in to fix things. That’s the first instinct for many of us. Resist the urge! Fixing things is not actually what they want or need in that moment. They really just want you to hear them. What we may see as a task to be solved (because Moms and Dads are great at solving things—we’re so smart) is really an expression that they want you to KNOW how they feel.
When you start by trying to understand and acknowledging their feelings, that is so deeply moving to someone and so reassuring, you soften, they soften and then they can move beyond those overwhelming feelings. It is only then that they will hear you. So firstlisten to them, and let them know you are listening, by acknowledging what they are saying and expressing it.
2. Give them some information to help guide them and/or offer them a choice to help them shift. We are helping them help themselves. Coaching them through these feelings, rather than denying the feelings or telling them their feelings aren’t that bad and they need to stop it right now! It goes something like this: “You’re really upset that we chose this book to read tonight. Your sister picked this and you wanted the other one. Yeah, that’s hard having to listen to a book you don’t really like.” Wait for a response, see what you get. Go back to letting them have their feeling if they aren’t ready to move on.
Then follow up with, “Do you want to read this book together tonight and we’ll read yours tomorrow night, or do you want to read your own book to yourself tonight?” (choice) and maybe add, “In this family we take turns deciding on the books we read.” (information) And if this goes on and on. And it may, you continue to acknowledge their feelings. Repeat the choice, and then at some point and you decide the next step.
3. Set your boundary. Set a limit, decide what that limit is, and stick to it.
“I see you’re still upset about reading your sister’s book, and you’re having a hard time deciding what to do. Sweetie, tonight we’re going to read your sisters choice and tomorrow we’ll read yours. You can listen or read in your bed. I’m going to start reading now because it’s getting late.”
Does that mean you avoid the melt down? Probably not, you may very well still get the meltdown and that’s ok. Your child is still angry and upset at the situation, but at least they’re not stuck in the “You don’t understand anything” place. They are going to know if not in that exact moment, then eventually, that when they get upset, you will listen, you do care, even if it that doesn’t mean they get what they want or that you agree with their point of view.
As you continually do this over time, they will learn that they are going to be upset and then they will eventually feel better. You can’t command someone to ‘get over it’. You may think you have changed their feeling, but their feeling is still there. You’ve just forced them to stuff it so it doesn’t continue to annoy you. You’ve just trained them to respond differently. As in, don’t show that feeling because it will go unheard, rejected and you might possibly be shamed.
“Training” a child is not our goal. “Teaching” a child should be. Letting them know they can feel something, feel a certain way and give voice to that is huge. They may not get what they want but they’ll learn that they can have the bad feeling and then be ok. Again, huge!
Little by little they will express their distress and shift more quickly, because they know it’s not the end of the world. We aren’t stalling them in their “this is the end of the world moment” and leaving them there mad and resentful. I’m pretty sure we’ve all seen our kids in those moments. We’re not shoving them by force into our “correct” version reality. We are letting them find it, by coaching them through it.
It’s not magic, or perfect but it works and it models for them the respectful adult we want them to become. When you see your child meeting some other child where they are and showing empathy. Well, to me, honestly that’s the meaning of life right there.
So we stop jumping to solutions. Stop trying to fix, and trying to make them feel better. We can’t make them feel better. Only they can. We can help.
Think about it. When someone tells you things aren’t that bad, or that you’re overreacting, or that you should count your blessings, or be more like so and so, or that you should understand that life is unfair, I’m pretty sure that doesn’t make you automatically feel better. You may quit your bitching, but now your still pissed at the situation and you’re also pretty pissed with your friend.
This whole idea that standing your ground and insisting on adherence to what you say is discipline is baloney. They didn’t learn anything except that their feelings don’t really matter or aren’t valid enough to warrant the time of day. The word “discipline” derives from Latin, meaning “instruction given” or “teaching.” So let’s do that.
Yes, they’ll get there, let them know they are allowed to feel what they feel, instead of making them feel worse and inadequate for having those feelings. Even if forcing them to move on seems quicker and more efficient in the moment, it won’t help them want to behave, cooperate or move on, next time.
So, stop and see your kid in front of you. Let them know you see them and how they are feeling. Give them information to help them or give them a choice to make it easier for them to take the next step. And eventually, set your limit.
I don’t want to give the impression that with a few magic steps and some patience these situations evaporate, never to be seen again. These are foundational building blocks. Basics, but they a long way in helping get your child’s willing cooperation, in not escalating things into a power struggle every time your kid doesn’t eat their peas, and most importantly it models the respect you want your child to emulate.
Maybe even most importantly, you are wiring them to be able to figure these things out as they become teens and eventually adults.
It’s not rocket science. It’s brilliantly simple and deceivingly difficult at the same time because it isn’t just shaping our kids, it is shaping ourselves as well. It’s conscious parenting, It’s the power of creating this connection and building a lifetime bond with your child.
I am learning to really listen, and I am learning what they need in the process and I try to give them as much of that as I can.
I am a NYC Mom and Parent Coach and through Parenting Workshops and one on one sessions, I help parents move from managing their kids in order to get "good" behavior to raising their kids in such a way that promotes intrinsic motivation to do the right thing!
I have a theory that cupcakes are a form of feminine oppression. No joke. Allow me to explain.
Your cupcakes for the second grade class are due to the teacher Monday at 8 a.m. sharp. You remember on Sunday around 5 p.m.. You freeze — and then visions from Pinterest begin to dance in your head. You know what I mean: the perfect cupcakes, the ones with the frosting piped on and the delicately drizzled decorations…
For those of you who spark joy from Pinterest-perfect cupcakes and can pull it off, I applaud you. I know you are out there. But for those of us mere mortal moms, I say… free yourselves! You see, to my way of thinking, Pinterest-perfect cupcakes lack an essential ingredient. They’re missing the OOPS.
Oops cupcakes have uneven, spattered batter and frosting that was smooshed on with a dinner knife and probably have a few finger pokes around the outside edges. Maybe a few even landed on the floor (frosting side down, naturally). Oops cupcakes are a form of freedom—freedom from a world where the image of perfection doesn’t allow for the beauty that is a mistake. Beauty that comes naturally and unintentionally. Beauty that comes from an oops.
In my work as the founder of Bay Area Children’s Theatre and mom of three (2, 6 and 9), I have found that creativity thrives when kids (and parents) are allowed the freedom to learn and discover on their own. Yes, they need adult guidance, but they also deserve an opportunity to make a mess and make a giant mistake.
“Living in the Oops” is accepting that if our job as parents is to train these small people to one day leap into life as fully formed adults, we must not only allow for mistakes, we must model mistakes and CELEBRATE mistakes.
In a theatre class, kids are asked to embark on a rehearsal experience where mistakes are a natural part of the process. No child will remember every dance step, every word of the song and the blocking all at the same moment. They have to learn each of those elements incrementally and as they are learning, mistakes are expected. What a powerful learning tool!
The permission to make repeated mistakes allows them to move towards proficiency.
At my house, we don’t usually have anything that resembles perfect. My boys like to cook dinner on their own occasionally. I assure you, these dinners are not pinned by anyone on Pinterest, but nonetheless, those two serve their scrambled eggs and over-steamed broccoli beaming with pride. My toddler is pretty sure that frosting is actually a versatile art supply.
And, right now, the infamous California missions school project has taken over an entire room of my house with LEGOs. My nine-year old has no idea how to build a LEGO model of a mission, but he’s going to try, and I applaud his can-do approach. There will be mistakes, there will be frustration, but he will persevere and I’m not going to tell him to clean up the LEGOS—even if I step on them with bare feet in the middle of the night.
5 Ways You Can Live More Freely in the Land of Oops
1. Celebrate mistakes . Make a silly dance, turn on music, throw confetti every time a mistake is made.
2. Tolerate a level of chaos that’s right for you. When kids create, they make messes, and messes allow for the “Oops” to thrive.
3. Remember small eyes are watching . If you make a mistake, respond with laughter and positivity.
4. Create with what you have, not with what you think you need. If your kids want to build, leftover cardboard and masking tape are just as exciting as the fancy building kit
5. Share your own “Oops” stories with your kids. The best bedtime story is a true story from your childhood. Last night, I told my gang about the time that I ignored my mom, jumped on the bed anyway, and it fell through the floor. OOPS! Trust me, that story got some good laughs! (And I will never, ever have to tell my kids not to jump on the bed.)
So, back to those cupcakes. Sure, I like beautiful, perfect cupcakes. I struggle because I sometimes think of my whole life as an analogy around The Perfect Cupcake. I’m supposed to be the perfect mom, the perfect artist, the perfect boss.
The reality is, the more I strive for perfection, the more I struggle.
So, let’s revel in the sprinkles that end up on the floor, relish the blob-like sugar decorations that are supposed to be snowflakes and release ourselves from Pinterest-perfect cupcake oppression.
When we let in the Oops and celebrate the mistakes, that’s when we leap.
Nina Meehan is CEO and Founder Bay Area Children's Theatre and the host of the Creative Parenting Podcast. An internationally recognized expert in youth development through the arts, Nina nurtures innovation by fostering creative thinking. She is mom to Toby (13), Robby (10) and Meadow (5).
I never had that feeling in life that I truly fit in or I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. What was my purpose in life? They say we all have a purpose here on Earth. What is mine? What was I supposed to be doing?
From early on, starting in grade school, I always felt like the odd man out. I got along with everyone, but I felt like I was not truly included or welcomed like some of the other kids. At birthday parties I felt alone. I watched other kids clicking more and meshing with one another. Not me. I knew I wasn’t truly in the group. I would sit there and feel uncomfortable and want to run out the door as quickly as possible. I wanted to go home.
Even up through high school I felt this way. I grew up in a small Midwest town where everyone knew everyone’s business. Again, I got along with pretty much everybody but it still wasn’t a good feeling. I started to skip school and miss a lot of my classes. I got off track and felt even more lost and alone.
Years later, I went to nursing school and at age 37 I started my new career. I became a Registered Nurse and worked in the ICU. I love what I do, and at that time I still couldn’t think of anything I’d rather be doing.
But guess what??!!! That all changed once my twins were born.
I loved being a mother but I still wanted to work and have a career. But then my son got diagnosed with autism at age 3. Then I knew, this was it. This was my purpose. My thing in life was to be there for my son. I was the one for him. He was the one for me. I was always a stubborn person and a little set in my ways. I was never one to back down from a good fight. What a perfect fit I was, to have an autistic child.
There are many battles a parent of an autistic child must fight. My personality would help my son to get the best in life. I would fight for him tooth and nail for everything. I wouldn’t rest until he got what he deserved. I believed in him and I fought hard. I would fight any battle for him. He is my purpose.
I fought to get my son services and therapy to help him grow. I went toe-to-toe with the school district, one of our biggest battles. They wanted to put my son in a severe classroom. I knew that was not where he needed to be. A parent knows what’s best for their child. They live with their child, and see them every day and night. How could strangers know what’s best for my son? I fought like a mama bear fights for her cub. I won and got my son the education he deserved, and he is doing very well. I finally have some of the school team on our side now. They see the potential and skill set my son has. He is unbelievably smart and knows so much more than people give him credit for. I believed in him and always will.
I will always go to battle for this kid. I will never let anyone tell me that my son can’t do something when I know he can. Parents, we are our children’s biggest advocates. Your child has rights and you as parents do as well. Don’t give in to what someone says. Go with your gut instinct and go to battle. Never let go of the dreams and hopes you have for your child. You will win!!
Wendy Robles lives in California with her husband and twins. She's an ICU Registered Nurse, she advocates for her patients and her son who is on the autism spectrum. Through her blog she tells her experiences of raising a child on the spectrum, the good and the ugly.
A few years ago, I remember reading an article about Mother’s Day. The writer observed how, instead of a spa day or sleeping in, what she really wanted was a day centered on the motherhood experience. Not the laundry. Not the dishes. Not the perpetually sticky floors. She just wanted to have fun with her kids, no chores attached.
This stuck with me. For all of us who work outside the home, we are used to negotiating our time out of the office. We lock down a certain number of days off before we take a job. We put in requests for PTO around holidays and vacations. But when it comes to motherhood, we’ve somehow drunk the Kool-Aid that we’re supposed to always be on duty.
What if we chose a different path? What if we assumed the role of a benevolent manager to our mom-selves and said, “With this job, you are responsible for a lot of repetitive but important tasks, you get a pension plan of unlimited love and joy, and you’re guaranteed regular days off from the drudgery?” I think we’d be happier parents and people.
Overcoming Your Inner-Overachiever
It can be hard, of course, to check out for the day. I get it. We are programmed to think about how we can multitask better, how we can optimize every minute, how we can be successful at home and at work in half the time. That’s grit. That’s drive. And in so many situations, that’s commendable.
The only problem is, burnout is a very real consequence of that mentality. We owe it to ourselves to step back every now and then to do fun things just for the sake of, you know, fun.
And if you think our COVID-era lifestyles preclude everything you’d want to do, think again. This isn’t a call for some grand gesture so much as it is an urging toward intentionally enjoying ourselves now and then for no other purpose than to bring happiness back into our parenting.
Still not convinced? Here are a few doable ideas to get you started:
1. Snuggle In: Even if you can’t sleep in, you can stay in your pj’s all day and watch movies and color together. 2. Bake: Forget pandemic baking. You’re baking for no reason! Cake, bread, whatever your jam is, you’re putting that sucker in the oven. Just. for. fun. 3. Get Outside: No park playdates here! Nope, you’re going on a walk just to feel the sunshine together. (Or, if you’re in Portland, to admire the clouds.) If you can’t completely squelch that overachiever mentality, you’re allowed to pack a picnic. But don’t forget dessert! 4. Bust Out the Boardgames: Even toddlers can hold their own in a game of memory or Candy Land. And that analog-style fun will bring back your own happy childhood memories.
PTO: APPROVED
So how often should you be doing this? Well, that’s up to you. There are those out there making the case that laziness has certain hidden advantages. (Looking at you, creativity!) I personally find that once a month strikes the balance between doable and rejuvenating. If you can do it once a week, more power to you. If you can’t do it at all, I urge you to reconsider. And, if all else fails, put it on your calendar. You can always schedule the laundry for the next day.
I'm a pediatrician and a mama mindset expert. I host The Modern Mommy Doc Podcast, and am a mom to two young girls in Portland, Oregon. I'm also author of The New Baby Blueprint and The Working Mom Blueprint from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Grammy-nominated performer Elle King is pregnant! The singer and fiance Dan Tooker recently revealed their baby news on Instagram and in a PEOPLE exclusive.
The road to the couple’s soon-to-be baby joy hasn’t been easy. King, who has polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), struggled with infertility and pregnancy loss.
King opened up about her fertility issues and subsequent pregnancy losses in PEOPLE saying, “It’s such a major thing that so many people go through, but it’s so secretive—like you have to go through it alone.” The singer added, “Nobody talks about it. It’s like you’re supposed to feel shame; like you’re not supposed to tell people before 12 weeks, because if you lose it, it’s going to be embarrassing for you and you don’t want other people to get their hopes up.”
The couple found out about King’s pregnancy on Christmas, but only recently announced the news publicly. King started her IG announcement with, “Well, we did something! Me and @tattooker made a little human!”
She went on to add, “We are very excited to share the news that we are pregnant. This news comes with a great deal of fear, and I hope that all mothers-to-be, in whatever sense that may be, know that I am trying to be very sensitive. You see, this miracle baby comes after two very big losses. It’s a terrifying and extremely painful experience for everyone. But the sun always rises, and I never really let go to let the universe decide when I was ready. I remember every pregnancy announcement felt like a dagger to me. So I want to be very delicate and say to YOU! That soon to be mom, who’s maybe had a loss, or has been struggling with fertility, I’m telling you, our babies come. And I love you.”
King continued with a shout out to other women who have gone through similar struggles, “What women go through on this journey make us nothing less than WARRIORS. So thank you for your prayers and love for our high risk pregnancy!”
Congrats go out to King and Tooker on their beautiful baby news!
While we all need inspiration and motivation to go back in the kitchen and prepare our kids’ first lunches of the year, why not pick inspiration among these foods that are supposed to bring them good luck in the New Year? Get ready to update your grocery list!
Lentils.
Italians eat lentils on New Year’s for wealth and prosperity because the flat legumes were believed to resemble Roman coins. Lunchbox ideas with lentils
Soba Noodles
In Japan, they signify a long life, but only if you eat them without breaking or chewing them. Lunchbox ideas with noodles
Black-Eyed Peas, Greens & Cornbread
“Peas for pennies, greens for dollars, and cornbread for gold.” In America, back to the Civil War era, black-eyed peas were used to feed grazing cattle. Leafy greens resemble folded paper money symbolizing wealth and prosperity. Lunchbox ideas with corn and lunchbox ideas with peas.
Pork
Its rich, delicious fattiness symbolizes wealth and prosperity. Pigs are also “root forward” with their noses, which is supposed to symbolize progress. Lunchbox ideas with pork
Fish
Asian cultures feast on whole fish to celebrate Lunar New year, while on the other side of the globe, Europeans eat cod, herring, and carp. They do stand for coinage and plenty of it. Lunchbox ideas with cod
Grapes
In Spain and Mexico, eating 12 grapes at midnight as the clock strikes once for each hour will bring you luck for the 12 months ahead. Lunchbox ideas with grapes
We can’t wait to see what you will prepare out of this food inspiration!
Teuko is the first platform that empowers families to simplify lunch packing. Using Teuko, they can find and share kid-approved lunchbox ideas, recipes, and tips, all in one place. Teuko is transforming the lunch packing experience by boosting inspiration and motivation week after week.
There a so many baby books in print and even more internet resources touting “The Best Way” for parents to feed/sleep train/play//soothe/swaddle/diaper/stimulate their babies, but I’ve somehow never heard a parent of twins say, “Wow, with all my free time and energy I found reading these chapters on infant care so helpful.”
In this spirit of cutting to the chase for our parents of twins, here’s a crash course in topics not found in baby books that will actually help you in those early months with two newborns.
How the heck do people get twins on the same schedule?
There is no magic to this and don’t let any sleep advice-for-hire person tell you otherwise. Getting babies on the same schedule it is just a matter of always offering milk/formula at the same time until the babies’ feeding times sync up. It may take several days or a week but keep at it and the babies will eventually feel hungry at the same intervals.
On a side note, parents of twins who have been on the same schedule for years will tell you that potty training is so challenging because toddlers usually have to go to the bathroom at the same time which is good…but also bad.
That’s nice, but you assume I can feed them at the same time…how am I supposed to do that?
The ideal situation is for there to always be two people on hand come baby feeding time. For breastfeeding moms, get very comfortable in bed and allow the babies to nurse football style while cozied up next to you on each side. Your partner or support person will help with getting babies positioned, burping, and making sure you have all the snacks and drinks you desire!
If you’re alone and caring for the babies, you can do it! Nursing moms can tandem feed and bottle-feeding folk can place two Boppy pillows on the floor, one on each side, and offer the twins’ bottles at the same time. You’ll be burping them at different times, and it will feel like a 45 minute to an hour’s worth of Baby Macarena. This is normal.
Now that social distancing is a thing and I’m not really supposed to leave the house, how am I supposed to stay sane?
First off, you can go for a walk with the babies in a double stroller as long as you’re staying at least six feet apart from others. To be extra safe and keep away strangers who want to take “just a peek” at the babies, invest in one of the snap and go type strollers where the twins’ car seats snap right into the stroller. This way you can push the canopies all the way down, completely shielding babies’ faces.
While FaceTime can’t take the place of face-to-face, lots of parent support groups are being held virtually right now and for parents of twins, having the reassurance of someone who’s been there/done that is crucial no matter how the message gets through.
Twins bring double the joy but also double the advice, and with so many baby experts out there, just remember that you’re the expert in your babies. You got this!
With twin girls and a boy born 17 months apart, I'm the owner of the world's most ironically named business, Let Mommy Sleep. Let Mommy Sleep provides nurturing postpartum care to newborns and evidence based education to parents by Registered Nurses and Newborn Care Providers.
