“You can be an amazing mom, a great partner, a supportive sibling, a kind daughter, a competent coworker, a good friend, and an amazing individual”

I have spent my whole life setting myself on fire to keep everyone around me warm—sacrificing my time, emotional energy, and, quite often, my well-being and sanity for other people. It certainly wasn’t ingrained in me to do this just in motherhood. Oh no, it started far before children, when I was a kid myself. I learned to wipe my own tears, stuff down my feelings and do what was right for everyone… everyone but me.

Due to this self-sacrificing nature that my childhood demanded, I developed a trigger about taking time for myself away from my children. I was so determined not to make them put their needs aside like I had to do, that I didn’t take care of myself at all. Like seriously at all. I hated the term “self-care.” I couldn’t relate to moms who went out without their kids, literally ever. I had two pedicures in seven years, and my daughter was with me both times. I was so afraid of not being there for everyone and not taking care of my kids in the way they deserved that I held myself to an impossible standard—never allowing myself a break.

I was quite willing to happily sacrifice my last ounce of sanity and self to parenthood. Sure, I was burned out, but they were worth it, and I felt that was what I needed to do to be the best mother possible. I am sure I did a fabulous job taking care of my family, my kids, and my friends. But my skill set in no way involved how to take care of myself and my mental health. Not only did I not know how to set healthy boundaries, but also how not to feel bad about setting them.

What does this slow burn look like for me through the rest of adulthood? I spend all my time fixing people’s problems, absorbing the pain and anxiety of others, giving out advice, and competing for the title of “Most Dependable Human Being, Friend, Daughter, Wife, and Mother.” It means I put my needs on the back burner, thinking I’ll get back around to some form of self-care at some point. And guess what? It never happens. I have given up my health, my peace, my joy, my comfort, and even my safety to keep everyone around me happy.

Then finally, this past year, after a lifetime of pouring out all I had and everything I was, and after almost 10 years of mothering in the same way, I broke down. Not just an “I need a break” kind of meltdown but a complete and total realization that I had to change how I looked at everything to sustain being a good parent and person.

I realized having healthy boundaries doesn’t make me a bad person. I am now learning to listen to my gut when it tells me that I’ve had enough of something and that I need to take a break or step back. Continuing to be a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend can only happen if I give myself permission to help when I can and to stop when I can’t. It means I recognize that I can assist in others’ journeys without feeling like I have to do the work for them. I can care without carrying everyone else’s burdens.

I have always viewed sacrifice as the mother of all virtues, and listen, as a mom, I think most of the time it is a virtue. My kids are my No. 1 priority and I will never put myself before them, but I learned a very important thing about self-care in the last year. Taking care of yourself isn’t just saying “me first,” it’s also saying, “Hey! My health and my well-being matter as much as yours, and being the best mom that I can be requires some breaks and resets sometimes.”

You can be an amazing mom, a great partner, a supportive sibling, a kind daughter, a competent coworker, a good friend, and an amazing individual. You can give to others without it always being to your detriment. You can meet others’ needs without completely abandoning your own.

Taking care of yourself also means you want nothing more than to help your children chase their dreams while running right alongside them, chasing yours as well.

 

The Redeemed Mama is a writer who had had articles published by The Today Show, Love What Matters, The Mighty, Faithit, For Every Mom, The Creative Child Magazine and more. She has 3 beautiful kids and resides in Southern Arizona and loves writing about parenting, life and growth!

Did you know the Wright Brothers’ path to flight started with a toy?

Do you know when the first airplane was flown, and where? Known as the pioneers of modern flight, the Wright Brothers were inventors from a young age. In fact, their road to being the first to launch a controlled, engine-powered airplane began with a toy from their dad. Read on for 18 cool facts about the Wright Brothers you might not already know. 

learning interesting facts about the Wright Brothers
Library of Congress/Wikimedia Commons

1. Yes, they were actually brothers. Wilbur Wright was born on April 16, 1867, and Orville Wright was born on August 19, 1871.

2. They decided who would fly first with a coin toss. Wilbur won the toss, but his first attempt failed. Orville went second and managed to fly for 12 seconds. 

3. Their mother, Sarah, was very mechanically inclined. Her own father was a carriage maker, and she spent a lot of time in his shop. She made her own appliances as well as toys for her children. The Wright brothers consulted their mother’s advice regularly as they designed their own machines.

4. In 1878, when Wilbur was 11 and Orville was 7, their father gave them a helicopter-like toy to share. It was based on an invention by Alphonse Pénaud and was made of paper, bamboo, and cork with a rubber band to twirl the motor. The brothers later said this toy was the beginning of an obsession with flying machines.

5. A little-known fact about the Wright Brothers was that neither brother ever married.

Wikimedia Commons

6. In 1889, Orville and Wilbur started a newspaper printing business. In 1892 they opened up a bicycle repair shop. They designed their own bicycle with custom features like an oil-retaining wheel hub and coaster brakes, things still used today in modern bikes. 

7. One of the newspapers they printed, The Tattler, was for the African-American community in Dayton, Ohio.

8. The Wright Brothers made life-sized copies of their beloved helicopter toy with the intention of making an aircraft that would hold them both.

9. They also made gliders of increasing size, which they tested over several years and flights. These glider planes put to test theories about wing-warping. By twisting the wings in different directions, they began to see how an airplane could be controlled.

10. On Dec. 17, 1903, the brothers successfully launched the world’s first airplane. The Wright Flyer I. It was made of spruce and had propellers and a specially designed engine cast mainly from lightweight aluminum. It was the first controlled and powered flying machine that could fly with the weight of humans. From this design, the modern airplane was born.

ohn T. Daniels [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

11. The Wright Flyer I cost about $1000 to make.

12. They tossed a coin to see who would fly first, and Orville won. 

13. The Wright Brothers only flew together once (though both piloted the planes individually): on May 25, 1910, they took a six-minute flight piloted by Orville with Wilbur as his passenger.

14. On that same day in May, Orville took his 82-year-old father, Milton, on a seven-minute flight. They flew at a height of about 350 feet.

15. The Wright Brothers established the world's first test flight facilities (which is now known as Wright Patterson Air Force Base) near Dayton, Ohio. 

16. One fact about the Wright brothers is that neither brother attended college or even obtained a high school diploma.

17. When Neil Armstrong took his world-famous trip to the moon, he had pieces of fabric from the 1903 flyer in his spacesuit

18. Ohio and North Carolina often battle over which state is truly the "birthplace of aviation."

Related: 47 Quirky & Fun Science Facts for Kids

 

People born in April are either Aries or Taurus

For those of us living in the Northern Hemisphere, April is a happy month of beginnings: the start of springtime and the restarting of the zodiac cycle, which begins with Aries. For those with an April birthday, longer days and the renewal of seasons have imbued April babies with bubbly personalities and positive outlooks. Here are some other fun facts (like what’s April’s birthstone) and traits of people born in April, the fourth of the year.

They’re born in the middle of the pack

April babies are usually neither the youngest nor the oldest students in their class, neatly fitting in the middle of the school calendar. A study from the University of Exeter found that first-time moms were more likely to attempt to plan their delivery dates for the spring. 

Aries are natural-born leaders

If you know someone born under the sign of Aries, (March 21 – April 19) you’ll know that thanks to their ambitious and tenacious natures, people born in April tend to be leaders. They can be innately stubborn and bossy—a potent combination (when used right) that can lead to people born in April to achieving their goals.

April’s birthstone is one the rarest of all—the diamond

When worn, the diamond is thought to increase the wearer’s inner strength. One of the hardest materials on the planet, April’s birthstone is also the symbol of eternal love and is one of the most popular gems to give as a gift. In the middle ages, the diamond was thought to have healing powers.

Your BFF is probably born in April

Passionate and caring, those born in under the sign of Taurus (April 20 – May 20) are steadfast, making loyal and generous friends. But be forewarned: April babies can be chatterboxes who love attention and can sometimes want to hog the spotlight.

People born in April can be emotional

Aries babies are known to be passionate, fiery, and impatient, which means they tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves. The good news is, this makes them wonderful friends because they bring all that passion to every relationship in life.

April babies are fearless risk-takers

Aries is the most fearless sign of them all. This means there’s a good chance your baby born in April will be enthusiastic about everything they do and be unafraid of taking risks. That’s great news if you’re a parent who doesn’t like to stay still because April babies are feisty and possess seemingly boundless energy.

People born in April are hard workers and love routine

Those who are born under the sign of Taurus tend to be hard workers—they’re not afraid to roll up their sleeves and get the job done, already. They’re also a huge fan of consistency, so don’t be surprised if your April baby thrives on a routine (aka, don’t EVER skip the nap).

They share their birthday month with these celebrities born in April

Plenty of famous people have April birthdays, including Michael Fassbender, Pedro Pascal, Robert Downey Jr., Natasha Lyonne, Pharrell Williams, Elle Fanning, Samira Wiley, Chance the Rapper, Jennifer Garner, and Tim Curry. Notable (fictional) characters born in April include animated smart-aleck Bart Simpson (born April 1, 1979) and heavyweight boxer Rocky Balboa (born April 6, 1946).

Related: The Parent/Child Astrology Compatibility Chart

However you plan to visit Santa—whether it’s a classic mall lap-sit or another unique sighting throughout the DMV—these meet-and-greets with St. Nick are sure to be memorable

Santa is back in town, and if you missed him IRL last year, now is the time to jump on one (or all) of these photo-worthy events. From a festive breakfast that features Santa and the Grinch to personalized letters from the North Pole hand-delivered by the Big Guy himself, we’ve rounded up some of the best places to mingle with Kris Kringle. After you meet Santa, be sure to explore some holiday light displays! And not to worry if you and your kiddo can’t make it out to meet Santa this year: try giving Santa a call or writing him a letter.

Mall Santa Experiences in and around Washington, DC

Christmas jokes
Jesson Mata on Unsplash

Meet Santa at Tysons Galleria: Beat Tysons Corner Center crowds by ducking into its near-by neighbor, Tysons Galleria. This mall has always offered a convenient reservation system for a hassle-free Santa visit. Santa is located on the lower level near the old Macy's. If you want your pooch in the pic, nab a reservation on a Mon. between the hours of 4-8 p.m.

Dates: Nov. 18-Dec. 24

2001 International Dr.
McLean, VA
Event details

Visit Santa at Westfield Montgomery: If you're looking for a free sit-down with Ol' St. Nick, you'll find that at a pajama party at Macy's at Westfield Montgomery. There will be tons of other festivities like a magic show, balloon art, face painting, a DJ, and more. Your kiddo will enjoy making crafts and devouring treats. And of course, Santa will be joined by Rudolph and a few other friends. Don't miss this exciting event!

Dates: Nov. 26

7101 Democracy Blvd.
Bethesda, MD
Event details

Meet Santa at Dulles Town Center: Visits with Santa are always free at this mall! You don't have to purchase a photo package to chat with the Big guy. Get that perfect picture that's just what you're looking for.

Dates: Now through Dec. 24

21100 Dulles Town Cir.
Dulles, VA
Event details

Get a Picture with Santa at Mall at Prince Georges: Santa comes in all colors and you can head to Prince Georges, which hosts the closest Black Santa to the DMV. The Mall of PG has been celebrating Christmas with a Black Santa for over a decade. Reservations are required, so act fast. Want to include your four-legged friends in the pic? Be sure to visit on a Monday when your pets are part of the picture!

Dates: Nov. 19-Dec. 24

3500 East West Hwy.
Hyattsville, MD
Event details

Related: 9 Places to Cut Down Your Own Tree in DC

Unique Santa Experiences in and around Washington, DC

HIller Aviation Museum

Watch Santa Fly In: See Ol' St. Nick touch down at the historic College Park Airport at 10 a.m. After, kids can participate in hands-on crafts and tour the museum. Take-home crafts are also available. If you want to share your Christmas Wish List with the Big Guy himself (and pose for a photo op), you'll need a separate reservation. 

Dates: Dec. 4

1985 Corporal Frank Scott Dr.
College Park
Event details

Meet Santa at the Captain Wheel: Before you board The Capital Wheel, snap a pic with Ol' St. Nick in a specially themed holiday booth. This special photo op is available on Saturdays and Sundays from 2-4 p.m. 

Date: Select days Nov. 26-Dec. 18

141 American Way
National Harbor, MD
Event details

See Waterskiing Santa: For more than 30 years, Santa has skied the open waters of the Potomac River. This year, Santa, his elves, and Frosty the Snowman will make a special appearance on Christmas Eve (right before they hop in the sleigh!). After the show, mingle with Santa, Mrs. Claus, and his merry helpers by the Christmas tree in Waterfront Park.

Dates: Dec. 24

1A Prince St.
Alexandria
Event details

Related: Magical Santa Train Rides to Book NOW (Before They Sell Out)

black santa in seattle meets kids at the Northwest African American Museum
iStock

Visit with Santa at the Children's Museum: A Richmond tradition since 1936, Legendary Santa has been delighting families for many years. You can visit with Santa in person this year and experience that holiday excitement firsthand. But you don't have to make the drive to Richmond to get in on this tradition. Invite up to six of your friends for a magical Zoom where Santa hints that he knows just a little bit more about you and your fam than the run-of-the-mill mall Santa. After all, he is a Legend! 

Dates: Nov. 30 - Dec. 24

1500 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, DC
Event details

Receive Letters from Santa: This special annual event lets your child receive a personalized letter from Kris Kringle himself! Have your child write a letter to Santa and pop it in the Red Mailbox on this farm (or email it ahead of the event). On Dec. 18, Santa will make the rounds to guest tables handing each child a letter straight from the North Pole. Cookies and hot chocolate will be served; food and beverage can also be purchased.

Dates: Dec. 18

38506 John Wolford Rd.
Waterford, VA
Event details

Ride the Polar Express: Take a ride on the beloved Polar Express (yes, the one from the book and hit Tom Hanks movie!) and experience the joy of the holiday on a memorable train ride. Oh, and say hello to Santa while you're there! For extra festive fun, arrive in your coziest pajamas! 

Date: Nov. 25-Dec. 19

901 West Pratt St.
Baltimore, MD
Event details

Related: What to Say When Your Kids Ask “Is Santa Real?”

Breakfast with Santa Experiences in and around Washington, DC

iStock

Have Breakfast with Santa at Tysons Galleria: What's a better time to meet Santa than over breakfast? Enjoy a delicious meal at the Neiman Marcus Restaurant and have a meet and greet with the big guy. It'll be a day your kiddo won't forget and the breakfast won't be too bad either. Tickets are going fast!

Date: Dec. 3

2255 International Dr.
McLean, VA
Event details

Enjoy Breakfast with Santa & the Grinch: Have you had breakfast with Santa AND the Grinch before? Well, now is your chance at Adventure Park USA in Maryland. About an hour outside of DC, make a day of it and enjoy the park as well. Your family will have a blast at this event!

Date: Dec. 10

11113 W Baldwin Rd.
Monrovia, MD
Event details

We finally learn their origin story

It’s been almost of year of anticipation as we wait for the Hocus Pocus 2 trailer, but it’s finally here and we can already smell children. Disney+ has released the first actual glimpse of the Sanderson sisters, 29 years in the making.

In an Instagram post back in January, Executive Producer Adam Shankman revealed that the sequel would debut on Disney+ during the Halloween season.

“Now more than ever, people need to laugh. We should be laughing every day, and there is so much fun to be had with these three unbelievable women playing delicious characters from such a beloved film,” says director Anne Fletcher. “I am so grateful to be able to play a part in bringing these witches back to life, and to be working with my friends at Disney again makes it all the more special. This is a movie for everyone, from the fans who grew up with the first film to the next generation of viewers, and I can’t wait to get started.”

Related: The Home Depot Is Selling ‘Hocus Pocus’ Themed Lawn Inflatables

Hocus Pocus 2 Trailer

Hocus Pocus 2 Teaser Trailer

Hocus Pocus 2 Plot

The trio returns when someone lights the Black Flame Candle and resurrects the sisters, who will, of course, be played by Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy. They’re out for revenge and it’s now up to three high school students to stop the rampaging witches in Salem.

In the newest trailer, we also finally get a glimpse into the Sanderson Sisters as teenagers and we’re hoping that means we’ll get the entire origin story. It also revealed the first glimpse at Billy Butcherson, a “good zombie.”

Hocus Pocus 2 Cast

Disney

Doug Jones, who played Billy Butcherson in the original, will return to reprise his role. He is the only male actor to return for the second film. Keep an eye out for Hannah Waddingham, Tony Hale, and Sam Richardson, who are joining in on the sequel fun. Anne Fletcher takes over for the OG director Adam Shankman, who has a scheduling conflict.

Missing from the cast will be Omri Katz and Vinessa Shaw who played Max and Allison in the initial film. Fletcher tells Entertainment Weekly that “It was very difficult to try to have them be a part of it because we did talk about it—painstakingly. You’re trying to stay on track with the story, even if they came in as a cameo. People would say, ‘They could be in the background!’ and I’m like, really? You’re going to put the leads of the first movie in the background and be satisfied? You’re not going to be satisfied, you’re going to be angry.”

Hocus Pocus 2 Release Date

Hocus Pocus 2 will debut exclusively on Disney+ on Sept. 30, 2022.

 

No parent imagines themselves navigating the NICU until it actually happens, and the dreams of taking home your new baby, or in my case, babies, are put on hold. The NICU, as a serious reality, met me at 29 weeks. I can still recall my first visit from the neonatologist so clearly even though it was nearly four years ago. While on bed rest in the hospital for constant monitoring, he came in to discuss the “odds.” It was awful. The almost robotic, stripped-of-emotion forecast of what to expect was all medical and all about the babies. Rightfully so, they were the ones in jeopardy, but here I was a first-time mom, trying to understand what could medically happen to my babies, but there was no discussion of emotional care or support. Not for me, not for my husband.

I don’t envy medical practitioners: their words hold so much gravity for families. They communicate the odds of mortality, complications, and if/then scenarios in such a matter-of-fact way that they must have to turn themselves off to interact with families. And in my experience, medical jargon leaves no room for your emotions.

The twins were taken out at 32+0. My son had stopped growing. Their environment was dubbed “toxic” by my perinatologist. My daughter was 3 lbs 15 oz, but my son was just 1 lb 15 oz. No one could have prepared me for the journey we were about to take, but my hope is that from the journey we walked, I can help another mom or dad prepare for what navigating the NICU might look like; your emotions, and that there are some things that sound scary, but aren’t.

First Things First: Don’t Feel Pressured to Feel a Certain Way
The feelings I had after giving birth scared me. They scared me because I didn’t have many feelings at all. It felt like an alternate reality. I was no longer pregnant, but I never went into labor, and I didn’t get to hold my babies. They were immediately taken away. I had a rough recovery and didn’t see them for more than 24 hours. Not because I couldn’t, but because I was afraid to. I went home five days later, never having held them (I wasn’t allowed to), and returned every day but one for 56 days. I finally got to hold my son and daughter after two weeks.

Until then, all I could do was sit by their isolettes, pump, lay pressure on their tiny bodies, and just be. It took weeks to feel like a mom, to connect to them, and start to feel that love grow. NICU or not, not everyone feels that instantaneous love that movies and social media often portray. Love, at first sight, is not what everyone feels, and that is ok. We need to talk openly about that so it’s normalized and women don’t think something is wrong with them if the love takes time to grow.

Second: Find Your Voice
Your friends and family won’t really know what to do. Sometimes people respond by giving you more space than you want or need (which can feel like they don’t care) or laying it on too thick with constant checking in. Be vocal about what you do and don’t want or need from them. Finding your voice in the midst of the journey is key for processing and navigating. The sooner it’s found the better.

And on That Note…
If you need more time with a doctor during rounds, don’t let them rush you. It’s always helpful to let one of your nurses know you have questions and need more time so they can prep the doctor beforehand. Ask questions until you understand what you’re told. Doctors often forget not to talk to us like we’re another doctor. If you don’t like how a nurse interacts with you, or how they are with your child, ask for another one. You are the only one who will advocate for yourself and your baby—you have to find your voice even when it’s uncomfortable.

The Role of the Social Worker
In the NICU, social workers are your friend. “Social worker” always had a negative connotation to me, so when I was told one was going to meet with me, my first thought was they must think I did something wrong in my pregnancy that caused this “situation.” Not the case. Social workers are there to help you get services for your child when you leave the hospital. That can be in the form of financial aid and therapy assistance that is often required to get NICU babies “caught up.”

Easier Said Than Done but… Don’t Panic
There are machines and cords everywhere. If I got a crash course on the machines, it’s a blur. One day an alarm sounded for my son that sent me into a panic; it was longer, louder, and harsher sounding than any I had heard before. It was only alerting that his feeding tube “feed” had completed. Don’t try to interpret the numbers or the beeps on anything. Trust that if there is something that needs attention, a nurse, or five, will be there in an instant.

There Is an Upside
While the NICU is an uncertain place to be, you will bond with nurses and have an instant connection with other NICU parents. You’ll see new babies come and others leave while you wait. A friendly smile or knowing when to avoid eye contact can go a long way. And while there is so much uncertainty, one thing that is certain about having a NICU baby, if you are blessed to take them home, you will look at them differently and savor every single milestone.

Lauren moved to California in her mid-twenties where she met Brandon; they’ve been married for almost 7 years and have 4-year-old twins. Lauren had the twins prematurely and left her job at Google to care for them. Though grueling, Lauren considers it a blessing and the most rewarding job (in addition to running bökee)!

I had been divorced for a couple of years when my former husband called with a surprise. Thankfully, it wasn’t the type of surprise he delivered the night he sat me at the table and told me he had been unfaithful for more than a decade and was leaving me for someone he met in Las Vegas.

No, this surprise had to do with our 12-year-old son. He said he was taking him to China for a vacation. I got that feeling you get when you walk in on a conversation, and everyone is laughing and looking at you like you know what they’re talking about.

China?

How had this come about? I searched my memory for some mention of anything remotely Chinese on my son’s wish list. Had the two of them been to see the First Emperor’s Terracotta Warriors on display at the Field Museum? Or taken a school field trip to Chinatown that I didn’t know about?

The only connection I could come up with was my son’s collection of Pokemon cards, but those are Japanese.

“Um… that would be cool, I guess,” I said, still processing the random nature of his declaration. By the time I gathered my thoughts enough to pose some questions and concerns, he announced that he had bought tickets to travel during a school week and over days that were technically mine on the parenting schedule.

“I can’t change it,” he said. “If I do, I’ll have to pay $1,000 and I know you don’t want that.”

What I didn’t want was to be told what to think or how to feel. An immediate, familiar pressure gripped my chest as I recalled all the activities and decisions that had already occurred behind my back. That he would plan something so extravagant for our son without discussing it with me felt too unfair. I was already struggling with the realities of co-parenting our three children, still getting used to the myriad ways a divorced mom must learn to let go as she is eased out of her job.

After college, I worked as a secretary in London for a few months and learned that, rather than firing people, workers are “made redundant.” It means the same thing but sounds so much nicer. I’ve been made redundant as a mother—no longer needed or useful in all the ways I once was.

This shows up in small ways:

Tell me about your science project. “I don’t want to talk about it. I told dad all about it.”

Want to see the new Marvel movie? “Sorry, mom, we saw it with dad.”

Guess what? I got pizza for dinner! (A chorus of groans.) “We had pizza two nights in a row with dad!”

And in big ways, like feeling helpless and broken during that stretch when my daughter called, in tears, begging to come home every time she was at her dad’s. Or having no words of comfort when my boys expressed their anger about their dad’s girlfriend moving in.

All of those impotent moments were triggered again by the thought of my son flying halfway around the world without me. I imagined him sleep-deprived and anxious from the long flight, wandering lost in a crowded street market, even starving, thanks to his finicky diet.

Overprotective? Maybe. But once your trust in someone is so completely shattered, how do you patch enough of it together to cover some areas and not others? I believe my kids’ dad is, as a parent, loving and devoted. But I believed that about him as a husband, too, and I was wrong.

I don’t blame myself for being guarded. I believe that any mother who has ever experienced betrayal would likely volunteer to go through it again rather than see her kids suffer a similar disappointment. At the same time, I have to be careful not to color my kids’ experiences with my disappointments. For me, this meant smiling while I packed a suitcase and waved bon voyage to my baby. It also meant feeling genuine happiness when my baby returned unscathed, unperturbed and a little more worldly.

Yes, I have learned some wonderful lessons on this road back from betrayal.

Here are the big ones.

Respond rather than react.

One of the best decisions I made early in the divorce process was to treat negotiations as business agreements and relegate them to emails rather than phone calls. That way, I can take my time and formulate a clear-headed answer on my timeline. Reacting equals losing power. Responding equals reclaiming power.

Have your facts straight.

In the case of the China trip, I assumed that my son couldn’t be taken out of the country without my permission. But when I checked our parenting agreement, I saw that my former husband only needed written permission from me for the first 24 months following the divorce. Wow. That shocked me, but there it was, in black and white.

Gathering the facts gave me time to gather my thoughts enough to get clear about my objections and whether they were ones I had a right to make. As galling as it is to have to follow rules with a rule-breaker who broke your heart, do it anyway.

Come from a “well-fed” place.

This is the juicy center, the meat inside the sandwich. Everything revolves around my ability to get quiet, tune in and take responsibility for my inner world. What are my motivations? Is this about me or my kids? Am I fighting for the sake of fighting? Am I settling an old score? Am I bored, lonely or craving drama? I need to look at whether I’m feeding myself what I need rather than entering into a “hungry” exchange with my former husband.

Of course, life, in its perfection, always provides us with opportunities to practice these skills. I had another chance when our daughter turned 13 and her dad decided it was her turn for an extravagant trip—to Thailand. This time I was prepared.

My response? Don’t forget your sunscreen.

Oh, and bring me back a Buddha.

Originally published in June 2018 on She Does the City.

RELATED LINKS
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You
When Divorce Is the Only Answer
Why I Stopped Overcompensating for My Kids’ Absent Dad

Tammy Letherer is an author, writing coach and blogger. She holds a degree in Journalism from Indiana University and has enjoyed a long, varied professional writing career. She is the author of a memoir, The Buddha at My Table (release date October 2018) and a novel, Hello Loved Ones. She lives in Chicago with her children.

Who doesn’t love a surprise? Good ones, I mean. Kids love fun surprises and our family has a great tradition I want to share with you. We call them Mystery Rides. Adults, sometimes with the help of older kids, plan a fun place to take the kids. The mystery? Don’t tell the kids where they are going.

Make it a Mystery Ride!

Our family can thank my dad’s sister, Barbara, for all of it. She has been taking individual members of the family for Mystery Rides for as long as I can remember. In fact, one time, she took the entire family, which filled a large school bus, for a hike and picnic. My kids have great memories of family time thanks to those rides.

Our rides have rules, well, guidelines. It makes for more fun, engages the entire family, makes the best memories, encourages thinking and even builds a sense of direction. I could go on about all the life skills or educational benefits, but I will get on with the rules (no electronics is a must). Here are the basics. The rest is up to you and your imagination.

Choose kid-friendly locations.
Nobody thinks a ride to get the oil changed is fun. Rides to do everyday errands are not good mysteries. Think zoo, park, trip to Grandma’s house (if that would be a big deal). I will share some of our faves later.

Choose free or low-cost venues. 
You will be surprised at what you can find within driving distance that costs little or nothing. Not everything is free, but look for coupons or discounts, check online for specials or family events. You don’t always have to go free, but if you’re like me and have literally half a dozen kids, you’re frugal.

Choose locations that build on your kids’ interests and hobbies.
Then choose ones that none of you would ever do. Enrich when possible, then think outside the box and try something totally out of your comfort zone. Auntie Barbara once took my Gram to see cellist Yo-Yo Ma, and if you knew my Gram, that was outside the box! Inspiration could strike anytime, any place.

Kids can ask questions to get hints during the ride.
But our family only allows yes-no questions, so parents give tiny bits of information. Here are some examples: Have we been here before? Is it a public place? Is it a private home? Will we look at objects or people? Will we touch or make something? Kids, even the youngest ones, can get really creative with their thinking and questioning.

Hints may come before leaving home.
depending on your destination, it might come in the form of telling kids what to wear. For example, if you’re going to a park to hike and have a picnic, kids need to wear proper footwear and you might need to pack food. Here is where you make use of your spouse, a discreet older sibling, or another adult helper.

Bring a friend or another whole family.
The more the merrier, really! If you have room in your car, take a friend along. If not, invite the entire family to join in the fun in their own car!

Don’t give it away.
The idea of the mystery ride is, you guessed it, a mystery. It is to build suspense and engage the family in a common task. As the kids ask questions and you answer, one might actually guess your destination. As much as possible, don’t show it, unless you’ve arrived, or you are prepared to give instructions on what to expect and so on.

Obviously, some Mystery Rides work out better than others. If you repeat a ride, that can flop, unless they love it. If you can afford it, make one a family vacation or even a short weekend away. That would be cool, but most of ours are day trips to places we haven’t been before.

Local fairs, seasonal events and places where kids can touch and do are more successful than places kids just watch a show of some sort, at least in my experience. Overall, food destinations have been duds for us, but every family is different. That is the beauty of the Mystery Ride.

Here are my kids’ top few favorite destinations over the years:

  • Local school playground near our house (not their school)
  • Roger Williams Park Zoo (you can feed giraffes or sea lions!)
  • Paint Night (where an instructor does one and you each do your own)
  • Hiking at cliffs nearby our home

Can’t wait for you to try it out with your crew.

Go Au Pair representative, cultural childcare advocate, Mom to six great kids, I earned my BS at RI College and MEd at Providence College. My hats: educator, tutor and writer of local blog for Go Au Pair families and Au Pairs. Baking, gardening, reading and relaxing on the porch are hobbies.

Being a stay-at-home mom sounds a bit like a dream, right? After all the years of working, earning and saving, finally, the day comes when you’re off on maternity leave. Maybe a nice baby shower with lots of cake and cute clothes and teddy bears. Then, finally, you get to sit and put your feet up and wait for this little person to take over your life.

And then he or she arrives. No sleep, lots of crying, constant hunger… and that’s just you! Babies are so demanding at first, and our whole life is about trying to seek out a little bit of undisturbed sleep where we aren’t worrying about whether the baby has stopped breathing in bed or our boobs aren’t painful, swollen rocks leaking little puddles onto the sheets.

But one day, everything settles down into a bit of a routine. You find that you get back some sleep and you start to feel human again. Now’s the fun bit, right? You get to just hang out with this little person, go to the park, long walks in the pram, coffee with other moms and just kicking back while the rest of the world keeps working.

The baby doesn’t need you 24/7 anymore and, in fact, you can start leaving them with other people for short periods. Your brain is starting to work again, slowly. You can even start to hold a decent conversation without either yawning or crying.

Now, I don’t know about other moms out there, but this was about the time I started to get bored. And this was, as a result, where the guilt really started!

I struggled to get up in the morning and focus for the day. Some days, I really found it hard to get motivated to leave the house at all. I felt like I was really cheating the system and just sitting around contributing nothing. I knew all the rhetoric—stay-at-home moms work harder than anyone in the workplace, enjoy the time to yourself and with your baby, they are little for such a short time, blah blah blah.

But I just couldn’t get into it.

I would try and get into being a really present and tuned-in mom. I would sit down and do some kind of really fun and engaging game with him that I had seen on Play School –yeah, this is awesome… look how much fun he’s having… I’m such a good mom, I would think. Then I’d look at the clock. Ten minutes had passed!! I still had the whole rest of the day to fill.

I realized why so many moms join mother’s groups and coffee mornings. It’s just to fill in time and get out of the house so the day goes faster! I’m not really much of a “joiner,” though, so I struggled to turn up for those kinds of things, and as a result, I spent a lot of time on my own slowly going crazy.

The guilt was enormous.

Why wasn’t I enjoying this more? What’s wrong with me that I am not relishing not having to go to work and have boring conversations with people all day about stuff that doesn’t really matter? I mean, after all, isn’t this the most important work you can do?

Well, I didn’t feel important; in fact, I felt like a fraud. Everyone else was out there earning a living and contributing to society, and I was here at home with this beautiful little human I made, bored out of my mind reading board books and playing with teddies all day.

Then one day, someone emailed me asking me to do some part-time work from home.

I resisted at first, feeling a different type of guilt. It was the guilt of admitting to myself that I didn’t really like staying at home. This is much harder guilt to overcome when there is absolutely nothing in life stopping you from enjoying staying at home with your baby.

While you feel like people will judge you if you go back to work and leave bub with someone, you feel equally judged being at home and not really having your head fully into being a mom. I know everyone says that just being with you is all the baby needs, but I really felt like I was completely robbing this kid of having someone around who could actually do fun things that would help his development.

So I hired a nanny and took this job.

The first day I left him, there were tears all around. I was crying at leaving him, he was crying that mommy had ditched him with some complete stranger and the guilt was so intense I could almost taste it.

But then I got in the car, I turned up the music (and my resolve) and I headed into the city. I spent a few hours in meetings where I was briefed about my role, I got to meet a few people, I had a nice lunch and then I sat for a moment in a coffee shop. For the first time in months, I felt pretty happy.

I headed home and walked in to be greeted with the most amazing sight. My little boy was sitting with our nanny, on her lap, playing with a little toy, and she was singing and playing the xylophone. They were having a lovely time.

You could tell just taking one look at this woman that hanging out with kids is her favorite thing to do in life. They had obviously been having a ball. She’d done some foot painting with him, they’d been out for a walk and bought some books at the second-hand shop. She was just glowing with happiness and excitement at having spent a few hours with my son.

And I actually felt a great sense of relief and contentment. From that day on, I was a much happier person and, I think, a much better mom. On the days I wasn’t working, I really loved every second of being with my boy, and on the days I was working, I really loved every second of being on my own. It was as though it took being away from him to make me realize how special it was to actually be with him.

It took me this time to realize that I’m not the sort of person who can stay at home all day with a baby, and that is actually OK. The thing about parenting is that you have to do it the way that works for you.

There’s no right or wrong way to organize your family or to live your life. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting that you just don’t like not staying at home full-time.

Everyone needs balance, and I actually think it’s really healthy to have your kids get used to being looked after by other people and to understand early on that they really can live without you. And if, at the end of the day, you are a happier, more peaceful person, then that can only make you a better mom as well.

So don’t allow yourself to feel guilt, regardless of what you end up doing. As long as you love your kids and you set up your life so that you are the best person you can be when you are with them, then you are being a good parent. Go out and live life the best way you can and always remember, you are a person in your own right, as well as a mom who loves your kids. There’s no room for any guilt in that sentence!

Originally published Sept. 2016.

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I'm a Dubai expat mum and I love to tell the funny side of life here and about travelling the world with a young family.Because let’s face it – no matter how well planned your travel journey, its those those funny, quirky moments that appear out of nowhere that create the real memories. 

May 29, 2019 will be a day I remember forever. We had to get up extra early due to river flooding and the possibility of the highway closing. We were afraid we would have to take back roads to get to Children’s for Graham’s Autism Evaluation. Luckily the highway was open so our traveling was very easy.

We arrived super early at the clinic. We sat in the car and watched movies and listened to music waiting for time to go check-in. My feelings were everywhere, I thought I was prepared for what the outcome would be. I mean I was the one who pushed to get Graham tested. For me to get that “official” diagnosis. To have it official for those who doubted my mother instinct. For those who I felt were questioning me or interrogating me. To have it official so I could tell them to shut up. I didn’t think of it as once we had a diagnosis, my son would be “labeled” for life.

We enter the clinic to check in then waited till they called us back. I hear “Graham Mills” and my heart started pounding. They took his measurements, then we followed them to a room with toys and a chair where they would perform his evaluation. He clung to me, terrified. It took so much for them to get the slightest interaction out of him. We were asked question after question. They also looked at his Speech, Occupational, Physical, and Developmental evaluations from his developmental preschool.

As they finished we were taken to an exam room while they calculated the evaluation. We sat and we waited and waited until the psychologist and speech pathologist finally reappeared. Confirming what my maternal instinct was telling me. My son was in fact autistic. They handed us a stack full of handouts. I sat there trying to understand everything they were giving us. I wondered what level he fell on the spectrum? I had heard of levels 1, 2, and 3. What level was my son? They seemed so confused when I asked that question. The only thing they could tell me was the test shows he is severely autistic and is considered nonverbal. They then left the room and we waited for our Developmental Pediatrician to come and speak with us. When she entered the room she handed us even more pamphlets. Also suggesting we sign him up for ABA therapy. It was then time to leave.

As we got to the car all I could do was sit and cry, saying “I wasn’t crazy”. So many family members who we reached out to for support but instead were asked question after question. Asking us why we thought he was autistic or what does the doctor see that leads them to believe he’s on the spectrum.

I then wondered would my child ever become verbal? Would I ever get to hear “I love you mommy”? I was a mess and just ready to get home. I wanted to process everything in the privacy of my own home.

Finally home and as we get inside I thought ok now time to call family and update on what we were informed. But every phone call it was like I was hearing it for the first time, my son was just diagnosed with autism. I then tried to read through the pamphlets given to us full of “resources” to see what else I needed to do. After that, I was done! I put everything away and just cuddled my son.

The next day I got up and started registering for all the websites we were given to “help” us. Requesting the free materials they had to send us. I then called about ABA therapy. They explained he would be put on a waitlist and we would have to wait for a spot to open. It usually takes six months or longer. Once a spot opened they would send a therapist to our house 20-30 hours a week. This would be in addition to attending school Monday through Friday. He was only two! My mind started thinking, when would he just get to be a kid?! When would we have family time just us three? So we decided not to apply for ABA therapy. We just continued with all the services we were already receiving for the time being, taking one day at a time.

This post originally appeared on Guiding Graham’s Way.

I'm a wife and a mom. I have a three year old son. I spend my time advocating for special needs children, bringing awareness and acceptance to all. My son was diagnosed with severe autism at age two. He is my life.