When I realized I was going to be a #boymom, I mentally prepared myself for a lot of things from being completely surrounded by testosterone to having to wipe the toilet down multiple times a day. What I wasn’t prepared for was the influx of outdated and insulting stereotypical phrases directed towards young boys.

From the moment onlookers experienced my five-year-old’s heartwarming hugs or my 2-year-old’s swoon-worthy dimples, I’d be bombarded with “compliments” ranging from “He’s gonna break some hearts” to “That’s an aspiring lady killer” and “He’ll definitely be a ladies man.” And then, we have “Boys don’t cry.” “Boys will be boys.” “Boys are much rougher than girls.” Every time those remarks hit my ear, I’d instantly cringe. I understood there was no malice behind these phrases. They were people making conversation, trying to connect. But what I heard were stereotypes being perpetuated onto my young sons. And these stereotypes had the capacity to do very real damage to their sense of self, their relationships, and even their safety. Let me explain.

I believe children hear and absorb more than we realize. But young children don’t necessarily have the capacity to decipher these supposed “well-meaning” phrases. If they hear them enough and start internalizing them, there’s a chance they become a reflection of those stereotypes. They become boys who grow up to lack respect for another person’s body and personal space, demean another’s display of emotions and not feel the need to be held responsible for it because “boys will be boys.” That is not what I want for my kids.

And it’s even more essential for me to shut down these stereotypes because I’m the mom to two Black boys. When I hear them, I feel like these phrases have the potential to erase the small dose of innocence little Black boys are allowed in a world destined to vilify them. Being wild and rough, or being a “heartbreaker” in relationships are generalizations society routinely associates with Black men. However, the difference is that when Black boys absorb those generalizations, there is little grace that may be extended to white children. According to a 2014 study conducted by the American Psychological Association, Black boys are viewed as older and less innocent in comparison to white boys from the age of 10—which leads to harsher disciplinary actions.

Words have power. I want my children to be well-adjusted, functioning members of society. That’s why I do everything in my power to not only shower them with positive affirmations, but I correct any adult who dares repeat those narrow minded ideologies about or around my children in the hopes they will one day learn the error in their words.

Until then, I’ll continue to do what I can to surround my boys with positive images of masculinity and defy gender stereotypes in the hopes that they will learn that  “boys will not be boys.” Instead, boys can aspire to be “good people.”

—Written by Terri Huggins Hart  
Terri Huggins Hart is a nationally-published journalist, freelance writer, and public speaker. Find her on Instagram @terrificwords.

This post originally appeared on StereoType.

Elizabeth Brunner is a San Francisco-based designer and the founder of StereoType, a gender-free, st‌yle-forward kids clothing brand that’s designed to celebrate individuality and freedom of self-expression by blending traditional ideas of boys’ and girls’ wear. StereoType combines st‌yle, design and comfort to inspire creativity, individuality and freedom of expression.

photo: iStock

It was an evening I wish I could erase from my mind. My 13-year-old daughter Nori had been spiraling downwards for months. The possibility of drugs crossed my mind enough times that I had her drug tested, which she thankfully passed. She was morphing into someone I did not recognize or frankly even like and I didn’t know why. Grades were dropping while calls from her school became more frequent. Cute clothing she used to love was slowly being replaced with baggy hoodies and sweatpants. Her long, blond hair became a point of frustration for her where it had always been a source of fashion. The withdrawing from friends came first followed by what seemed to be a withdrawal from life itself.

None of our usual parenting tactics seemed to break through her new wall. The helplessness I felt as a parent forced me to question the way I was raising her. Was I doing it wrong? Had I ruined her in some way? I continually felt torn between wanting to wrap my arms around her as a shield from the everything causing all this pain and change or wanting to throat punch her for being the source of so much chaos and disarray in our family.

Finally, a break. Our oldest daughter came to us with news that Nori had confided in her something that needed to come out. That evening was one of the worst I have ever had. Nori’s pain was genuine and raw. Her dam had finally broken and everything came gushing out. I sat speechless as I heard Nori share things like she was born in the wrong body and was meant to be a male. How she was suffering from gender dysphoria and despised the way her body was changing as female bodies do. Binding her breasts was something she was already doing on a daily basis with duct tape. I had no words when Nori started lamenting on the need for starting testosterone injections. She had grown to hate the beautiful long hair she had always known and was ready to chop it all off.

I tried to hold myself together. Thoughts and feelings reeled through my head that evening. Tears were shed, yet numbness kept drying them up. I cycled through a myriad of emotions.

Anger. This can’t be real, it’s got to be a phase and I was angry at the amount of passion she was exhibiting during this performance. Anger that she was binding her breasts with duct tape without a second thought to the permanent damage she could cause. Angry at the disregard for all the upheaval she had been putting us through with her antics

Sadness. Whether or not this was a phase, her pain was real and I felt sad that my child hated herself with so much fervor when all I saw was a beautiful young woman. Sadness that coming to us first wasn’t something she felt she could do when I thought we were close enough for that.

Mourning. Suddenly and without any say or input from me, the daughter I had known for 13 years could quite possibly be gone forever and was being replaced with this new version of her that I hadn’t gotten to know yet. That evening there was a stranger in my daughter’s body. I didn’t recognize her and I mourned the daughter I had known.

Relief. I was immensely relieved to know that this change wasn’t due to drugs, pregnancy, or being raped. Crossing those off the list somehow made things a tad easier for me.

A year has passed since that bombshell. A year since our family changed forever. Life is a great deal different although still not without its challenges. Nori’s hair has since been chopped off. I don’t hate it. All her clothing and shoes now come from the boy’s department. I don’t hate that either. The kind-hearted child I gave birth to is still in there no matter what her exterior looks like.

Hormone therapy and breast binding is not something we are allowing at this time. There are battles worth fighting and while outward male/female appearance is not one of them, permanently altering my 14-year-old is a hard no.

Having strangers in public look at my child and refer to her as my son is something I will never get used to. I will love Nori no matter what her/his future choices are. I will always mourn the little girl I had for 13 years that suddenly wasn’t anymore and that is okay. Mourning who they were does not negate the love you have for your child as they currently are. Do not be ashamed of feeling like there was a death because in several ways there was. My relationship with Nori is surprisingly good, different then it used to be but good nonetheless. Creating a new normal comes with time and will change even the most unyielding soul.

This post originally appeared on Medium.

I am a mom to three, wife to one and a writer of many things

Summer is just around the corner, which means it’s time to replenish your sunscreen stockpile. Before you hit the store, however, you’re going to want to see the results of a new study on the health risks of common sunscreen ingredients.

A new study published in JAMA and conducted by the Center for Drug Evaluation and Research found that the blood concentration of four of the ingredients found in sunscreen continued to rise as daily use of the product continued. These ingredients were also found to remain in the body for at least 24 hours after using the sunscreen.

photo: Ashley K Little via Pexels

The study did not look at the health impact this absorption has if any, on users––only that it occurs. The study points to the need for more research on the impact of these specific ingredients once they are absorbed into the body.

Four ingredients were tested: avobenzone, oxybenzone, octocrylene, and ecamsule. Out of these, oxybenzone stood out above the rest with an absorption rate of “about 50 to 100 times higher concentration than any of these other three chemicals they tested,” according to David Andrews, a senior scientist at the EWG.

photo: iStock

Previous studies have shown a potential link between oxybenzone and lower testosterone levels in adolescent boys and shorter pregnancies and disrupted birth weights in babies. Oxybenzone is also known to be one of the most common cause of contact allergies. The ingredient has also been banned in several parts of the world due to the fact that it can cause coral bleaching and pose a danger to marine life when it’s introduced into the ocean.

So does this mean you should stop using sunscreen? No. Instead, consumers should more vigilant about reading labels and researching the ingredients in the sunscreens they use. Check out our detailed list of sunscreens here, many of which contain safer ingredients.

The American Academy of Dermatology urges people to apply at least one ounce of sunscreen to all exposed skin every two hours or after swimming. In addition, you should always talk to a board-certified dermatologist if you are concerned about the safety of a sunscreen’s ingredients.

“Studies need to be performed to evaluate this finding and determine whether there are true medical implications to absorption of certain ingredients,” said Yale School of Medicine dermatologist Dr. David Leffell, a spokesman for the American Academy of Dermatology. He added that in the meantime, people should “continue to be aggressive about sun protection.”

—Shahrzad Warkentin

featured image: quinono via Pixabay

 

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The world is now one step closer to gaining a male birth control pill. A potential male oral contraceptive has just passed human safety tests.

The study, conducted at LA BioMed and the University of Washington in Seattle, Washington, included 40 healthy men, 10 of whom received a placebo pill while 30 men received the drug called 11-beta-methyl-19-nortestosterone dodecylcarbonate, or 11-beta-MNTDC for 28 days.

photo: Ake via Rawpixel

The drug is a modified testosterone that has the combined actions of a male hormone (androgen) and a progesterone. Among the men receiving 11-beta-MNTDC, the average circulating testosterone level dropped as low as in androgen deficiency. According to the study, the participants did not experience any severe side effects. About four to six men experienced mild side effects, including fatigue, acne or headache. No participants had to stop taking the pill due to side effects and they all passed safety tests.

“Our results suggest that this pill, which combines two hormonal activities in one, will decrease sperm production while preserving libido,” the study’s co-senior investigator, Christina Wang said. Before you get too excited, more testing and studies are still needed to determine the drug’s effectiveness in the long-term. “Safe, reversible hormonal male contraception should be available in about 10 years,” Wang predicted.

—Shahrzad Warkentin

 

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Maybe you remember it from that zoology course in college or maybe because the Octonauts are on near constant-loop in your Netflix cue, but in the watery world of seahorses, it’s the dads that give birth to babies and carry them around. The strange and wonderful creatures (seahorses and dads) were the inspiration for one of Portland’s newest kid-friendly boutique stores, Seahorses – a place for modern dads and their kids.

photo: Seahorses by Ty Adams

Owner Don Hudson credits searching for the perfect diaper bag sites the opening of his store as one of the motivating factors in founding the city’s first daddy-slanted gathering place and retailer of apparel, toys, books, carriers and other kid accoutrements. That perfect diaper bag that Hudson settled on? It’s the Daddy & Co. Slide Messenger Bag, available at Seahorses, of course. 

photo: Owner Don Hudson by Ty Adams

They also carry shaving supplies, Kevlar jeans, white pine furniture and Leatherman multi-tools, all carefully curated to appeal to the testosterone-enriched parents among us. The shop also offers non dude-centric items such as locally-made Serendipity dresses, which are adjustable so they can grow with little ones as they age. Other cool products include a full line of Thule strollers and carriers, Potette potty seats and the Doona infant car seat ($500) that easily converts into a stroller. There’s also a heavy helping of Melissa and Doug products, such as reusable sticker books and water-based, reusable coloring pads ($5).

photo:  Ty Adams

And for those who happen to have literal minded toddlers who ask 37 times on the way to the shop if there will be seahorses, the answer is “no” on real seahorses and “yes” on toys. There’s always at least one of the store’s namesake toys available.

The focus is to offer high quality items that are durable and will get a lot of use, as well as those that are innovative and fun. Because he estimates he has used 95 percent of the products personally, this former stay-at-home dad feels very confident in the collection. The focus on quality doesn’t eliminate affordable options, with many products available in the $5.00 range.

photo: Ty Adams

In addition to the selling of helpful products, Seahorses offers community gathering space at the back of the store, including a “fenced in” toddler play area surrounded by a wooden bar (for coffee, tea and water), and behind a rolling door, another room available for gatherings.

Hudson and Wolverton are keen to see the space used in both a casual and more organized way as the community sees fit, and the store is already offering “Jam Sessions” every Thursday at 12:30 p.m. for musically oriented parents who want to dust off the old guitar (or other instrument) and rock out. A story time is also in the offing and professional kid-friendly musicians and other artists will be making appearances. Be sure to keep an eye on Facebook for dates.

Seahorses Boutique
4029 SE Hawthorne Blvd.
971-352-6130
Online: seahorsespdx.com

Any other great finds you’ve made at Seahorses or other fun stores around town? Tell us about it in the comments below!

— Ty Adams