ML Interest Tag: tiger-mom

The Unexpected Bonus of How Piano Lessons Helped Me Bond with My Kids

By Sonal Patel

Who knew piano lessons could help me bond with my children and prevent dementia at the same time?!?

When I signed my girls up for piano lessons last year, I had no idea what I was getting into. I’ve never played an instrument in my life and didn’t even know how to read sheet music. But I did know that music ignites all areas of child development and skills for school readiness: intellectual, social and emotional, motor, language and overall literacy. It helps the body and the mind work together. Exposing children to music during early development helps them learn the sounds and meanings of words.

I’ve always loved dance and music. I wanted my children to be appreciate music and I knew that starting lessons early was great for their brain development. So when some of the other mothers in my book club mentioned that they were starting piano lessons, I decided to give it a try. (One must keep up with the Joneses.)

Things started off great. We didn’t have a piano but I bought a large piano-like keyboard. We have a lovely teacher that comes to the house weekly. She is very patient, calm and understanding. I’m by no means a Tiger mom. I’ve never wanted my kids to be concert pianist—if that’s what they want to do then I will support them, but if not, that is fine also—I just wanted them to have fun and develop those neuronal connection early. 

What I didn’t anticipate was how hard it would be for me. I had  to learn to read music so that II cpould help them practice. The other moms in the book club already knew how to read music and could help their children without starting from scratch. I often found myself frustrated, because for some reason I have a mental block when it comes to learning to read music.

I consider myself a hardworking and bright individual (I can speak four languages and have two postgraduate degrees). But for some reason this was very difficult! There were many times when I  wanted to quit. But the girls were enjoying playing and learning. If I did quit, what sort of example would I be setting for the girls?

One of the many parenting books I read had that suggested spending individual alone time (20 minutes) with each child. I think it’s wonderful advice, though not always practical. Especially when you have twins! But the piano lessons have helped us with that. For 20 to 30 minutes daily (well, five days a week at our house) each child gets my individual attention while we’re practicing. I keep the other one occupied with homework, colring, playing—or as a rare special treat the iPad-educational activities only. The girls enjoy spending one on one time as well as the time where they get to play by themselves while her sister is practicing the piano.

Recent brain research shows that bilingual people’s brains function better and for longer after developing Alzheimer’s disease. Even if you learned the new skill or second language in adulthood it may slow age-related cognitive decline.

There are still days that I want to quit, but I’m happy we’ have stuck with it. I enjoy the bonding time, I’m glad my girls are having fun learning the piano and I’m enjoying learning to read music and hoping it well help delay or prevent dementia or Alzheimer’s.

Dr. Patel is an allergist in Pasadena California. She is board-certified in Allergy-Clinical Immunology and Pediatrics. She is the co-author of The Mommy MD guides to Twins Triplets and More! She understands that parenting is the hardest and most fulfilling job you can have. You can find her @TMommyMD.

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Periphery Parenting: A New Approach to Try with Your Teenage Daughter

By Lindsay Sealey

Tiger? Helicopter? Lawnmover? Jellyfish? Which parenting st‌yle best describes you? Popular culture has some creative categories for today’s parents. You may be familiar with the “tiger mom” label used to describe the caregiver who shows tough love and holds high expectations for achievement and success. Perhaps you have also heard of helicopter parents, who hover over their kids, becoming overinvolved, or the lawnmower or snowplow st‌yles, where parents “mow down” a path for their children by removing any potential obstacles or discomforts. Then there’s the jellyfish, or under parent, who opts for giving their kids the freedom to do what they want to promote self-reliance.

You may be wondering which parenting st‌yle is best for you and your teenage daughter.

It is without question that parenting a teenage girl is challenging and unpredictable. Just when you feel you have figured her out, she will change. Adolescence is by definition a time of intense and rapid changes and as girls grow up, we may want to consider tweaking our parenting approach. One of the most effective ways I have learned to “parent” girls, is to parent from the periphery.

Periphery parenting begins with empowering teen girls to stand in the center of their own circles where then can begin to make their own choices, and yes, even mistakes, with room to grow. Parents can step back to the periphery of this circle where they are still actively parenting by observing, guiding, assuring, and supporting in the ways she needs, helping, not hindering her growth. This st‌yle of parenting is not about checking out but rather creating the space she needs to learn how to become more independent.

Parenting from the periphery requires a new way of relating and a new approach. It means becoming comfortable with being the observer on the outskirts, the silent supporter, the cheerleader and champion, and ready when (and if) she needs you, not interfering or micromanaging, but nurturing her development.

Is it easy? No way. Especially when you can anticipate problems or pain. Is it worth it? Yes, absolutely. Parents I work with tell me all the time how hard it is to “let go” of their teens. The world is fast-paced, over-stimulating, and scary. We all want to protect our girls. Yet, we also want to prepare them. What steps can you take to step into your new role of periphery parent? I’d like to offer you five.

Notice Her. On the outside, you have a unique vantage point: you get to watch her grow. As you step back, you can see her in a new way. Look for the changes—to both celebrate her growth and help you decide if you need to step in. See her for who she is—her unique interests, hobbies, and passions. See her body morph into that of a woman’s and help her appreciate it by focusing on what she loves. See her as she begins to design day and her dreams. Watch for the choices she makes, the chances she takes. Observe her patterns, especially when it comes to eating, sleeping, screen time, scheduling, and stress. What do you notice? Who is she becoming?

Listen to Her. On the outside looking in, without stepping into to offer her your ideas or advice, it is likely she will talk more. As she speaks, simply listen to her words and beyond her words, listen for her feelings. Refrain from making connections and making it about you. Keep her conversation on her as she talks about what matters most. You can provide a safe space for her to sort out the day’s events. Being an active listener takes time and patience. As you listen, she is learning that as she speaks, and as you listen, she is better able to understand herself and what she needs to do.

Be Curious About Her. Girls fear our judgment: for their clothing st‌yles, their musical interests, and their friends. Instead of offering your criticism, shift instead to your curiosity. You may not agree with her choices, but you do owe it to her to find out more about her thinking. Ask her open-ended questions such as, “I am wondering why you decided to drop Biology this semester?” or “I’d love to hear more about your recent change in friend groups”. You may be confused, but once you understand the back-story (there is always a reason), you gain clarity. Through your non-judgmental questions, she may come to realize where she has faltered and learn from her mistakes. At the same time, she comes to trust that she can tell you anything and that you “get her”.

Affirm and Assure Her. As she becomes a little older, taller, and more mature, she needs you to reflect back what you see. It is no surprise that teenage girls lack the confidence and self-belief we hope for them. They struggle to see the amazingness inside of them, especially when their social media feeds are flooded with unrealistic standards of both beauty and success. They feel they can’t keep up. Be her mirror to reflect back what you see: her qualities, her bravery, and her effort. She needs to know who she is becoming and this can prevent her from searching outside of herself for attention and approval. She needs to know that no matter what you are there for her and she can keep going.

You may be a tiger or helicopter parent. She does need you; but now it’s in a new way, from the periphery, where you are better able to notice her, listen to her, be curious about her, affirm and assure her.

For more advice about parenting teenage girls, check out Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready now available on Amazon and Audible. 

 

I am a girl advocate and girls champion; the founder of Bold New Girls, teaching and coaching for girls and their parents. As well, I am the author Growing Strong Girls and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready (available on Amazon and Audible). I am an international speaker and an instructor with Udemy. 

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How to Help Your Kids Build a Healthy Relationship—With Their Health

By Caesar Djavaherian

Sixty two percent of teenagers say they feel lonely according to recent research. While many point to the negative effects of social media and the next generation spending six or more hours a day on their screens as obvious culprits, there’s a lot more at play when it comes to understanding what’s affecting our kids’ mental health and wellbeing.

In fact, what parents say, the behavior we model and how we interact with our kids has a far more significant impact on our children’s health than most people realize. As both a dad and a doctor, I’ve found a few important tips that parents can use to have meaningful conversations with their kids about their health which will inspire kids to adopt healthy lifest‌yle habits.

Create a Supportive Environment & Listen to Your Kids

Your mental health impacts your physical health and stress, depression and anxiety often exacerbate or aggravate physical conditions, especially in kids. Across the board, when I look at the healthiest children, I find them to be those who are supported by parents who foster open communication with their kids while at the same time, establishing healthy boundaries. In fact, this 2015 study found an “authoritative parenting st‌yle accounted for 81 children (93 percent) with positive behavior.”

This doesn’t mean becoming a helicopter parenting st‌yle or Tiger Mom—quite the opposite. It’s means encouraging and empowering your kids to pursue their own interests, whether it’s reading a book or acting in their school’s play. Perhaps your child is an introvert or doesn’t fit the gender binary. Regardless of who your kid is, the more space you give them—and the more you make it clear that your home is a safe space for them to come to you with problems—the less stress you place on your kids and the more likely they are to come to you with a health issue or concern.

Watch How You Talk about Yourself & Others

Did you know that there is a high correlation of developing eating disorders if your parent has an eating disorder? Many studies have shown that when a parent describes themselves as fat or struggles with dieting and weight loss themselves, this directly impacts their kids, their perceptions of themselves and their value system around their body image.

But how we talk about ourselves and its impact on our kids isn’t limited to eating disorders—think of how many times you’ve said something that mirrored what you heard growing up from your parents. Whether it’s stigmatizing depression and mental health or someone’s sexual behavior, how we describe ourselves and others shapes how our kids want to interact with us, open up to us and frames how they see the world.

The more conscious you are of the judgmental behavior you display, the less likely you are to create a division between you and your children.

Modeling Healthy Eating & Physical Activity

While I’ve discussed many approaches to improving parent and child relationships, communication and mental health, I can’t overstate how important it is to help your kids develop healthy eating habits and engage in regular physical activity that they enjoy. For starters, simply stocking your refrigerator with fruits and vegetables and making it a point to serve a healthy dinner can go a long way in decreasing future health risks linked to obesity like diabetes or hypertension.

Also, nearly 40 percent of kids ages 6 to 17 do not engage in regular, vigorous physical activity. Encourage your kids to go on walks with friends, pick up a sport they enjoy or go dancing.

In the meantime, model that behavior yourself, whether it’s heading to the gym a few days a week or going on a long walk during your lunch break. Or, if your family is up for it, you can make physical activities like hiking a regular family outing to stay active while having fun and building your connection.

Instead of forcing “healthy habits” or bringing up topics that make you and your kids uncomfortable, there are some simple tips that every parent can adopt to foster trust and build healthier families. By supporting your kids, listening to them, watching what you say and modeling healthy eating and physical activity, you are helping your kids develop a better relationship with you and a better lifelong relationship to their health.

Caesar Djavaherian
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

I'm a co-founder and Chief Medical Officer at Carbon Health, a modern, tech-enabled healthcare company transforming the primary care and urgent care experience. I received my BS and MS in Biological Sciences at Stanford University, and graduated from the University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry.

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Are You a “Jet Fighter” Parent?

by Erica Loop

You’ve heard of helicopter parenting. But what about “jet fighter” parenting? Between helicopters, snow plows and lawnmowers, tiger moms, free-rangers and all the other “types” of parents, it might seem like there isn’t possibly room for one more. But then again, the term get fighter does sound pretty rad. So what is it, exactly?

While jet fighter parenting isn’t exactly a new term and it hasn’t enjoyed the media popularity of helicopter parents, jet fighter parents started making their mark years ago. Before Millennials grew up enough to start really adulting, Gen X parents actually started the jet fighter trend.

Photo: Doug Kelley via Unsplash

Let’s start with a bit of a parenting history lesson. Once upon a time there were just parents. No tiger moms, no helicopters, just plain ol’ parents who let their kids be kids. But then the world got scary. Or rather, the media brought the scariness of the world into American homes with the ubiquity of the television. As parents started witnessing the big bads of the world on the nightly news, they started to hover—and thus, the helicopter parent was born.

As those hovered-over kids grew into Gen X adults with their own kids, they developed their own parenting style. Instead of the constant hovering of a helicopter, the jet fighter parent waits in the wings and swoops in when needed. Think of the jet fighter as “partial-helicopter” or “helicopter-light.”

So now you’re probably wondering, “Hey, am I a jet fighter parent?” Chances are you are—but maybe only at certain times. It’s totally understandable. Who wouldn’t want to swoop in, save the day and get out immediately after?

—Erica Loop

 

RELATED STORIES:

Are You a Helicopter Parent? Here’s How to Come in for a Landing

Forget the Helicopter: Are You a Snow Plow or Lawn Mower Parent?

This School Program Hopes to Free Kids from Helicopter & Lawnmower Parenting

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Parenting Style Primer: What Kind of Parent Will You Be?

by Haley Burress

With Baby on the way, you’re well versed in baby registries and baby showers, but you may still need to rack up a few diaper blowouts and sleepless nights before you’ll speak fluent “parent talk” at the playground. No idea what a helicopter parent or tiger mom is yet? This is your chance to get in the know before you enter parenthood, and you may even get a better understanding of what type of parent you’ll be. Remember, these categories are the extremes and no matter what styles you follow – you’re going to be a great parent.

Photo: Monica Navarro Aranda via Flickr

The Free Range Parent

You may have heard about the free range parents who get in trouble with the law for letting their kids walk to the park alone, but free range parenting is about more than that. If you value independence in your child and want to nurture that spirit by letting them have experiences outside of the home – and without you – free range parenting might be the ticket for you. In a lighter sense, you might just let your kid play a little farther away from you at the playground, or take a few more chances on the jungle gym.

Photo: Mike via Flickr

The Helicopter Parent

Almost the exact opposite of the free range parent, the helicopter parent is never too far away from the child. These hovering moms and dads are often the ones who stay for group children-only birthday parties, well past preschool and elementary school. Helicopter parents keep their child anxiety-free because the child knows the parent will be around for every need and safety concern.

Photo: Tambako The Jaguar via Flickr

Tiger Mom

Known after a tell-all book published a few years ago got everyone at the playground talking, being a tiger mom is serious business. Tiger moms often are the strict ones, forbidding not just screen time but sleepovers and playdates. If you want your child to get straight A’s as well as excel in the creative arts, and don’t mind being very no-nonsense around your home and kids, you may be a tiger parent. Beware of televisions and other non-academic distractions!

Photo: James Less via Flickr

Crunchy Parenting

Known for their love of all-natural, organic and farm-to-table food that they pull out of their diaper bags at playdates, crunchy parents work hard to keep the amount of sugar and GMOs low in their child’s environment and body. If you want your own chicken coop in the backyard, are serious about banning superhero fruit snacks in all preschools, and could honestly convince your child to eat a vegan diet, crunchy may be your style. Keep your eyes peeled for gluten, doctors who are not chiropractors, and red dye #5.

Photo: makelessnoise via Flickr

We’re Doing the Best for Our Kiddos Parenting

Not one to go to extremes? Try the “We’re Doing the Best for Our Kiddos” style. These parents take things one step at a time. They are focused and in the moment during most interactions with their child, but know that it is okay to have Daniel Tiger babysit for 30 minutes so that they can take a quick call for work or make dinner. These parents cook at home most of the time, but know that pizza night can sometimes turn the entire day around for everyone in the family. Bath times are full of bubbles and singing, and bedtimes sometimes come early when the day has lasted for what feels like forever. Hugs are given freely, and kisses hit fluttering eyelashes and noses and cheeks and lips. Bouncing on the bed is a regular occurrence, but parents step in when child decisions could have unsafe consequences. Books happen before bed and during the day, and walks outside are full of picking up rocks from the neighbor’s driveway and treasures from the park. Hand sanitizer is almost always nearby, but if it’s not, it’s okay. If you love your child, have no idea about this whole parenting thing is all yet, but see it as the adventure of a lifetime and are ready to take it on as a family, We’re Doing the Best We Can for Our Kiddo is a natural fit. You won’t always know the answers, but you will understand that other parents don’t either – and give each other some grace and high fives for making it this far. Welcome to the club, parents.

How would you label your parenting style? Get creative and share it below?

–Haley Buress

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“B-Sharp” With the Best Kids’ Piano Lessons

by alina adams

New York City parents don’t need a piano dropped on their heads to know that music lessons are good for their kiddos and experts will tell you that piano is the best first instrument for kids to learn. But where oh where do you send them to music school? Sure, you’ve got Julliard and the LaGuardia School of the Arts for teens and up, but what about the very tiniest virtuosos? Where can they tickle the ivories for the first time? Keep reading to discover some of the piano lessons that hit our top notes for toddlers and elementary school-aged kids across Manhattan and beyond.

The Piano School of NYC
Locations in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx and beyond
Sharp: From Mommy, Piano & Me for newborns through the age of 18 months to private lessons for boys and girls 3 and above, The Piano School of NYC will come to your home at your convenience, or you can hightail it to your teacher’s studio. All instructors have a minimum of a Bachelor Degree in Piano or Music Education.
Flat: Group lessons are primarily available as part of after-school programs or nursery schools (see if yours would be interested), though it might be possible to make arrangements for a small group lesson in a private home (you’d have to be the one to recruit the other kids).

Riverside Piano Studios
Upper West Side and Chelsea locations
Sharp: All ages are welcome and, in addition to private lessons in your home, Riverside Piano Studios offers a special Piano Games program for children ages 3 to 7 years old, utilizing movement, drama, and imaginary play.
Flat: Regular recitals are a required part of the curriculum, so those with stage fright might prefer a more low key (in more ways than one) approach.

Bloomingdale School of Music
23 West 108th Street
Upper West Side
Sharp: A non-profit, Upper West Side community music school, Bloomingdale is open to all, not merely budding prodigies and their Tiger Moms. Their Early Childhood Classes start with 3 month olds in an effort to lay the groundwork for a lifetime of musical enjoyment, then move into toddler rhythm, tempo and pitch lessons. The next step is usually Group Keyboard for the school-age set, with an option for private sessions down the line.
Flat: While many children enjoy the group program, others may find the overall pace of the class too slow or too fast for their own abilities.

Turtle Bay Music School
244 East 52nd Street
Midtown East
Sharp:  Four to 6 year olds can start with Children’s Group Piano Level 1 (though general music classes are available for toddlers, too). At this age, each student works at their own upright electric piano to learn the basics, including note reading. Those who opt to take private lessons in conjunction with group ones, receive a 10% discount on the latter.
Flat: Many 4 year olds may not be ready to commit to one instrument. A less structured class for Kindergartners and 1st graders involves making music in small ensembles, and improvising melodies on solo instruments such as the piano and recorder, along with some general music theory games, note recognition, rhythmic training, musical form and solfege.

Diller-Quaile School of Music
24 East 95th Street
Upper East Side
Sharp: The Diller-Quaile curriculum in influenced by the work of Émile Jaques-Dalcroze, Zoltán Kodály, Carl Orff, Shinichi Suzuki, Maria Montessori and Edwin Gordon. A typical course for children ages 4 and up includes an individual lesson and a musicianship class. Students taught by the Suzuki method also participate in a weekly group playing class meant to motivate through socialization.
Flat: The registration process requires the parents to attend an Open House and Information session, followed by an interview where newcomers will be able to try out an instrument while more proficient students are asked to play a piece. Registration is first-come/first-served, but the classes fill up very quickly, with preferences going to current students.

Music Beans
118 Baxter Street
Little Italy
Sharp: My Little Body and Fingers is Music Beans’ Piano Preparation group class for ages 2 to 4. The idea is to develop both the fine and gross motor skills applicable for diving into an instrument. Later, children under the age of 5 take private, half-hour lessons, while those over kindergarten age study for 45 minutes up to an hour. A 15-minute trial lesson is available prior to making a commitment.
Flat: There are no group classes for older kids who might prefer the more social environment they started with here.

Third Street Music School Settlement
235 East 11th Street #1
East Village
Sharp: New York’s oldest community music school offers 5 to 8 year olds the chance to become music makers at the keyboard with an aural approach to learning based on songs most children already know. Students will develop solid keyboard technique while learning to read notes, improvise and compose. The next step is private lessons, though Partner Lessons, where two students share a single teacher, are also available as a more economical option.
Flat: Beginner group piano classes span ages 5 to 14, which means children may find themselves studying alongside much older peers – and vice-versa.

Special Music School
129 W 67th Street
Upper West Side
Sharp: The Special Music School is a kindergarten through 8th grade public school with stellar standardized test scores and a rigorous musical curriculum where children receive two private lessons per week, as well as classes in music theory, chorus and movement. It’s basically a free, top of the line musical education available to any student living in the five boroughs of New York City (if you don’t mind the commute).
Flat: A stringent audition process where children take a 25-minute music “class” in which they are asked to sing, clap and move to music is required. In addition, each child is given a short, one-on-one individual assessment. Children who score above a certain level on both tests are called back for a lengthier individual assessment. Out of close to 500 applicants, only 15 are accepted into Kindergarten each year. You can also apply for later grades, but spots are even more limited (1 or 2 at most) and children are expected to already have had some musical instruction. A High School will be opening in September of 2013.

Finally, remember that piano lessons don’t have to come from a school. Many teachers offer their services privately. To find one near you, try a search site like PianoWorld.com or TakeLessons.com.

“Like” this story if you’ve got an aspiring musician in your family. 

–Alina Adams

Photos from Diller-Quaile, Bloomingdale School of Music & Alina Adams

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French vs. American Parents: Game On!

by allison ellis

First there was Ms. Amy Chua, railing against the virtues of “Western parenting,” in her self-aggrandizing book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother and last year’s Wall Street Journal article, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.” Now, it seems, the “Western parents” are now battling it out amongst each other in this latest WSJ firestorm, “Why French Parents are Superior,” an excerpt of Pamela Druckerman’s Bringing up Bébé. Pamela, Pamela, Pamela. My goodness. Weren’t those Mommy Wars from a few years back bad enough? Haven’t we evolved as a culture so that we no longer feel the need to engage in such useless and petty conversations? Or does the Wall Street Journal just know how to beat a not-that-interesting debate into the ground? Heck, they couldn’t even come up with an original title. My mom always taught me not to recycle headlines, but ah well.

So hey, in keeping with Wall Street Journal’s theme of keeping the battle of the parenting styles alive and well lit, I’d like to share an excerpt from my soon-to-be-written tell-all memoir. It’s called American Mother: Out There and Uncensored.

Top 10 Reasons Why U.S. Parents are Superior:

1. We’re seen AND heard. Oh sure, black and gray are nice colors and all and a beret could serve as a semi useful head covering – but only if you don’t mind looking like a complete dork. Mark Twain was totally right when he wrote The Innocents Abroad and little has changed in the hundred-plus years since. Americans are still flashy and a bit messy. Our clothes are bright and garish. And what’s the problem there? C’est bon! How else can you expect your kids to get ahead in the world if they don’t stand out and express themselves? Grab your little ones and repeat after me: We’re loud and we’re proud! I’m sorry, what did you say? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! Louder, s’il vous plait. WE ARE LOUD AND PROUD! Much better. Oh, and P.S.: Did you know that neon is back in for Spring 2012? My daughter just got a supercute orange purse at Tar-zhay that blinds me whenever I walk into her room. J’adore!

2. Our kids are #1. Who represents the next generation? Me? You? That old guy down the street? Please. When everything goes to helle, who are you going to turn to? That’s right, children are our future and they deserve our sincere round-the-clock attention. Here’s how I do it. Say, for example, my child wants a snack. “Bien sûr!” I say, “go help yourself to some local, sustainably-produced sliced organic apples in your special drawer in the fridge.” I’m teaching them independence. Ditto for media. My kids have about 500+ 24-hour kid-friendly educational channels and DVDs to choose from. And they know how to operate our complicated system with multiple remotes and set top boxes and all the rest. Don’t tell me this isn’t part of a technology-based education. The French simply cannot compete. Did I mention that I also download educational apps on my iPhone? My kids are really good at this too. They’ve cracked my password and figured out how to make major online purchases all without my involvement. See, more independence. Because my children don’t attend government subsidized child care programs from 8:30 am to 4:00 pm every day and I don’t have a full-time nanny like most middle class French mothers, I’ve taught them well. All on my own. See what a good job I’m doing?

3. Our food is better. Have you ever been to a European grocery store? There’s weird stuff on the shelves and the layout doesn’t make any sense. Half the time, if you get there after 3:00 pm, the bread is gone. What gives? Also, our favorite brands, the all-American wholesome brands that are so engrained in our daily lives (and in-grained, yes, that too), either aren’t there or have been renamed or repackaged. Did you know you can’t even get plain Cheerios in Paris? It’s true. Basically, U.S. grocery chains rock. You’ve got high-end and lower-end, specialty groceries, and gluten-free galore. And then we’ve got that whole farmer’s market thing which I just love. Fresh squeezed beet juice, hello! I’m not saying that there aren’t equivalents in France or anywhere else in Europe, I’m just saying that our way is better. Fine, they have better cheese. But for everything else – I’ve got two words for you high and mighty Euro mamas: Trader Joe’s.

4. We like anything expensive and expletive. OMFG, really? Yes, really. Do you know how many swear words my kids know? All. Of. Them. Why? Because they heard them on U.S. network primetime television. And maybe a few cable shows owned by corporate America. It’s called vocabulary building and being prepared for the 21st century – or the 22nd century, or what century are we in again? Anyway, it’s cultural awareness. And as for expensive, let me tell you. Both of my kids asked for their own iPads this year for Christmas. As well as computers. And new Wii games. And a new car. And a new house. We’re working on it. Because, like I said, my kids are #1 and they deserve the very best.

5. We’re buzzing with activity. Sit still in a chair? Au contraire! The whole sitting in the café thing with well-behaved children is so over-rated. We’ve got places to go! Things to do! The drive-thru Starbucks concept, perhaps the best modern parenting solution in recent history, is très American. Druckerman claims the French way is better because the parenting style forces the kids to adopt to the adult way of life and not the other way around. Seriously, where’s the fun in that? Let kids be kids! It takes forever for them to grow up anyway, so we might as well focus on savoring every single bit. Ms. Druckerman also spends a lot of time rehashing that old study from the 1960s, the marshmallow effect, claiming that teaching kids the virtues of delayed gratification can do wonders for stress and anxiety later in life. Pardonnez-moi, but marshmallows are gross! Of course my kids can wait more than 15 minutes before they take a bite of one nasty marshmallow. They can wait their entire lives! Ugh, so disgusting. Speaking of… you know what else is nasty? Nutella. And snails. And paté. And foie gras. Blech. Don’t get any of that stuff near my family, ever.

6. We’re enlightened. Pop quiz: who has a bigger parenting self-help section in the warehouse style McBookstore. Oh, I’m sorry, France, you don’t have any McBookstores? Quel dommage! Our authors are churning out so much expert advice, the parenting experts are now building entire platforms writing about being an expert on other parenting experts. Which means that we’re smarter than everyone else, so there. Also, we have parenting reality shows that show off how creative and diverse and free-thinking we all are. Would a French mother ever write about how superior her parenting is? No, because it’s boring, and so are her kids. And yet… an American woman living in Paris? Oh la la, Bringing up de Bébé gets a blurb in the Wall Street Journal and a spot on the Today Show. As a final note, I would like to remind you that this little diatribe you are reading now is a…parenting book excerpt! Give me a few minutes and I’ll get it up on Amazon.com. $0.99 and it’s yours.

7.  Our manners make way more sense. Now, I’m all for “please” and “thank you” and making sure the kids are fully engaged with a Disney movie before I sit down to down a bottle of wine and some imported cheese with a fellow mom friend, but honestly, if they politely wait for a break in the conversation, it’ll be hours before someone comes to wipe a bottom or provide another round of juice boxes. Just state your needs! My kids are great at this. I’ve taught them to ask for what they want, when they want it. Loud and clear! They are so skilled in this area. Oh, it just brings a twinkle to my eye every time we’re at the grocery store and people four aisles down know that I’ve just put two cartons of ice cream in my cart thanks to the loudspeaker-style voices emanating from my savvy little personal shoppers. How else would I have known we needed ice cream just that instant? American children are clairvoyant. No matter where we go, everyone smiles at me and gives me that look that says: your kids are so adorable! Everyone.

8. We think “non” is complete nonsense. Confession time: I was spanked as a child. Often. Both of my parents also did that whole “stern look,” thing and gave that “we’re really disappointed in you,” speech that got so tiresome over the years. Both of them lived in France for several years and met in Paris, so you gotta wonder. And just look at me now: all that discipline resulted in beaucoup de success! (Author’s note: if you even think about forwarding this to my mother or having a private spiritual conversation with my dead father, I will give you the silent treatment and “the look” for all eternity. Don’t test me! I mean it! That means YOU cousin Jennie… and Linda too! So STOP IT RIGHT NOW). See how silly this is? If you say yes to your kids all the time like I do, you can avoid unnecessary parent/child conflict and resentment issues that can last into adulthood. Just go oui, oui, oui all the way home.

9. We know how to snack. Isn’t it just a little too convenient for those French women who never get fat that le petit bébés only get un petit snaque around 4:00 pm each day. That’s because they are in school all day and don’t have access to organic, healthy food in their personal refrigerator compartments at home. Everyone knows that you are supposed to snack all day long. Dr. Oz says so. And I quote: “Snacking helps your metabolism stay well-tuned, keeps you from sabotaging a well-meaning diet and prevents ravenous overeating at mealtimes. It keeps blood sugar level so you aren’t irritable and helps you focused. Kids get much of their nutrition throughout the day from snacks.” He’s European by the way—and skinny—in case you hadn’t noticed.

10. It’s free to be, silly, not free to brie. Here’s my main problem with French-style parenting or any “superior” style parenting for that matter. It’s us vs. them. Good vs. better. It’s: I’m superior… and you, you parent over there? Well, you basically suck. Honestly, there is so much more to life. I am so tired of the whining. I’ll take a toddler tantrum in the middle of a chic Parisian café or a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night or a free-thinking “underachieving” fat American kid any day before I spend even one more minute nitpicking parenting styles and cultures. That whole East vs. West Tiger mom nonsense from last year has merely been narrowed to West vs. farther West. Next thing you know, the WSJ is going to run an excerpt on why California parents are superior to New York parents or why the New Zealand way is better than the Hawaiian way (Author’s note: I would like to research this! Can someone send me on an all-expense paid research trip?). Until then, my fellow parents, let us discuss. Or not.

What camp are you in: “I bleed red, white and blue” or “Heck, I’m moving to France!”?

— Allison Ellis

photo courtesy of tswarek via Flikr

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Are Chinese Moms Really Superior?

by Jacqui Boland

Since an excerpt from Amy Chua’s new book “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” appeared in the Wall Street Journal on Jan. 8, there has been a flurry of vehement discussion online about Chua’s declaration that the “Chinese mother” approach to child rearing is superior.

Chua, a professor at Yale Law School, asserts that a strict regimen of studying and rote practice, with no time “wasted” on watching television, playing video games, participating in school plays, attending sleepovers or even having play dates is the reason her two daughters are prodigies. She also contends that the Western parenting style is too lax and coddles children.

“Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches,” Chua writes. “Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”

It has taken me these past days to absorb the points in Chua’s piece and the ensuing fallout – there are nearly 3,000 responses and counting on the essay’s comments page and numerous exchanges on Twitter and Quora. What I’ve concluded is that I identify with Chua’s tiger mother instinct for two reasons: I am the result of a relatively strict upbringing and I draw on that experience in the upbringing of my two children.

To be clear, I think Chua’s methods are extreme. I do not, for example, condone name-calling, conditional love or denying bathroom breaks during epic piano practices. Being successful requires discipline, indeed, but discipline does not require draconian tactics. And Chua has since had an opportunity to explain that her book is about her “coming of age” as a mom and that she’s a different person at the end of the book.

Like many of the respondents who have posted comments about Chua’s piece, I grew up amid rigid expectations by my parents. I was the firstborn and the only girl out of three children, which meant I not only had to set an example for my brothers but I had to do so with proper demureness. To that point, I was not allowed to: wear shoes without socks or revealing clothes (halter/tube tops, short skirts), attend parties or sleepovers, hang out at the mall, laugh too loudly or behave “wildly.”

Even though I often butted heads with my parents’ values and methods, I knew they loved me. We were immigrants from Taiwan and they gave up prominent careers to bring us to the States. Both of my parents had graduate degrees, but ended up opening a restaurant despite not having any experience in the business. They forged ahead because they needed a livelihood. While they never regretted their decisions, they frequently reminded us what sacrifices they made for the sake of our futures, and we were therefore obligated to be successful.

I was mostly an A student in grade school and junior high. But my grades started to decline in high school as I took on more responsibilities at the restaurant. In many ways, the restaurant was my equivalent to piano lessons, math camp and advanced placement courses. If I wasn’t physically at school, I was at the restaurant. I grew to resent the business even though it eventually afforded us many luxuries, including a nice car that I still own today, and it paid for my college education.

In hindsight, I realized the 16 years I spent growing up in the restaurant business amounted to rote repetition of the amalgam of skills that made me successful first as a journalist and now as a consultant and entrepreneur. I learned how to assess situations quickly, assume leadership roles and accept challenges without fear, relate to diverse people, be resourceful in creating solutions, and persevere.

In the 15 years since I graduated college and left home, I had to discover who I was as a young, independent woman and now as the mother of 4-year-old Meilee and 20-month-old Shen. I found my true self in the age of Oprah. So, in raising my children, I combine what I think are the best aspects of the tiger mom mentality with a balancing dose of tenderness, hugs and verbal affection. Even in the midst of a reprimand, I make sure to tell my kids I love them.

I even chose meaningful names for my children as lifelong reminders to embody the implied attributes. The Chinese characters for Meilee stand for “rose” and “strength.” I want her to be a beautiful person on the inside and out, as well as have the strength to achieve her potential. Shen’s name means “deep thinker.” I want him to be thoughtful in every action and decision.

My inner tiger mom manifests itself in matters of education, discipline, critical thinking, culture and language. From the beginning, I have emphasized language skills. We have a bilingual Mandarin and English household, with the occasional French or Spanish storybook thrown in the mix. I correct my daughter’s grammar when she makes a mistake and I’m proud to say she often recognizes when she’s used the wrong tense and will correct herself.

We practice spelling during bath time with letters that stick to the tile. I give Meilee books that are just beyond her recommended level in order to push her ability to comprehend. I recognized her artistic tendency, so I bought the gamut of art supplies to help her express and explore that inclination. We practice writing letters and numbers, and now we’ve progressed to copying sentences in an effort to help her start to read. Since Meilee doesn’t turn 5 until October, she has to test into kindergarten if we want her to go this fall. So I’m ramping up her studies to prepare for her interview this spring, with high hopes she will be accepted for the 2012 school year.

I think what’s different with my generation of tiger moms is that we also recognize that academic success needs to be balanced with social adeptness. So I do make an effort to schedule play dates for Meilee, who actually gets along well with older children and adults – a sign, I think, of her level of intellect. I also married a TV producer, so banning the television in the house would be counterproductive. Compared to Chua, I am tiger mom light. Very light.

Chua’s piece has antagonized and appalled a lot of Chinese-Americans who suffered under tiger mom scrutiny. But, if we can set aside the finer points of her particular circumstances, there is value in using her piece to start a broader discussion about what it means to be parents who are advocates engaged in the upbringing of their children.

Did you read the WSJ article or see Amy Chau on the Today Show this week? What are your thoughts on her parenting approach?

— Hsiao-Ching Chou

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