ML Interest Tag: time-for-yourself

25 Working Moms Share the Advice That Changed Their Lives

by Alicia Cox Thomson

It’s hard to imagine how you’re going to juggle all the things when you go back to work after having a baby. On top of your actual job, there’s the laundry and cooking and grocery shopping, the emails from school, the playdates, and your bigger kid’s sweatpants suddenly having holes in every knee. It’s a lot. So we asked 25 working moms to share their best piece of advice, and boy did they deliver—with tips on everything from streamlining your home life to actually, realistically carving out time for yourself.

The Juggle Is Real

Plan the week out in person
“Every Sunday evening, my husband and I sit down and review the week ahead (logistics, upcoming events, to-dos, etc.) and create a one-page document that we print out and leave in an easy-to-see spot. We reference it all week! This exercise helps me get a hold of the ongoing mental list heading into the week.”

Do the small things first
“The best piece of advice I ever got was to live by the one-minute rule. Essentially, you do any task that takes a minute or less immediately. Don’t microwave your coffee, don’t call a friend, don’t pass go and collect $200—just do it now. All those little distractions add up to some aggressively long to-do lists and as working moms, we simply don’t have time for that. So if you bring in the mail, don’t plop it down to deal with later—just go through it right away and throw out the junk. If you get an email from the school that requires an easy response, get it over with. By getting all these little things out of the way ASAP you’re making more time for the big stuff, and we all need more time for the big stuff.”

Go ahead, take the shortcut
“Working full-time with young kids is hard, no doubt about it. Do what you have to do to get through the day, because some days are harder than others. Grilled cheese (for the fourth time this week)? Why not! A little extra screen time so you can complete a task that can no longer wait? Go for it. Sometimes, it’s about survival. These don’t have to be the moments that define you as a mom. These are the moments that let you keep the ship afloat so you can be the mom you really want to be.”

Prep the night before
“Whether you need to leave the house to go to work daily or once a week, make that morning as streamlined as possible. Shower the night before if you can. Plan your outfit and the kids’ clothes. Pack lunches. The easier it is for you to get ready, the easier it is to get out the door, and the smoother your day will be.”

Take allll the help
“My advice is to take any help you can get. Don’t try to be a hero. It literally takes a village. Know who you can count on for carpools and when you can share responsibilities with people you trust.”

Divide and conquer (and reevaluate regularly)
“I was the primary parent for many years, and even though I am now working full-time, I’m the primary parent in many ways. There are times when this becomes too much and the anger can build. Why do I need to still take care of the stuff I did before? The answer is, I don’t. This may mean our house is messier for longer, or the kids don’t get as many playdates, but inevitably, we started new routines and new schedules to balance out the division of labor. And if it feels like it’s not working again, it’s back to the drawing board to figure out a new routine. Don’t expect to have it all figured out right away. You need to try things out for a bit, sit with it, and adjust as needed.”

Switch up nighttime routines
“When it comes to the daily routine, try not to have one parent do bath time and bedtime every night. We have always had one parent clean up after dinner and the other handle the bedtime routine. And then the next night we switch, although it can be hard if mom is nursing. My husband would do everything to get the baby ready for bed, and I would nurse as the final step. Then your baby gets used to both parents, not only mom, at bedtime.”

Take the Zumba class
“A co-worker of mine once told me when my kids were really young how important it is for moms to have a life outside of their kids. At the time I would rush from work to pick them up from daycare when what I really wanted to do was attend the Zumba class that was held at our office. She encouraged me to do that and it really was life-changing. Now, I regularly leave them to travel and they have developed so many great life skills from me not always being home. Plus they see me following my dreams even as an adult which I think is so important.”

Work Life

Never apologize
“Do not apologize for saying ‘I need to go pick up my kids.’ Anything having to do with caring for your kids does not need an apology. To anyone. Ever. Be gracious and polite and tactful as the situation calls for, but don’t tell anyone you’re sorry you need to be a parent.”

Talk about your littles
“When I first had my daughter, I was reluctant to talk about parenting with clients and colleagues. I didn’t want anyone to assume that motherhood would get in the way of my performance. But I’ve come to realize that commiserating about potty training is actually a great way to break the ice and forge relationships with the parents I work with. These days, if I know a client or colleague has kids, I make a point of asking about them. This approach might not be right for every workplace, but it’s been effective for me.”

Seek out mother mentors
“Create a village at work to support you. Find mentors to help guide you as you make potentially new career decisions as a working mother. It’s great to engage women for your personal board of directors who are a few steps ahead of you in the working motherhood journey. That way they can share what they did in your shoes as you find new opportunities.”

Know your rights
“Know your rights as a mother and what the law says about maternity leave, time off to care for sick kids, time off for doctor visits, pumping and privacy, etc. No one can take advantage of you when you can back things up with the law.”

Dual Identities

Set work and socialization boundaries
“It can become awkward if your office environment is a more social one and you have to/want to/need to go home to your family. If you do feel tension around this, speak to your manager. Explain your boundaries – it’s better to be upfront and have everyone understand the expectations. Just be aware that you’ll have to stay and play sometimes (and that’s OK!).”

Work-life balance takes work
“Work-life balance isn’t a 50/50 daily split. It’s intentionally making the time for the things that you really care about, using boundaries, prioritizing, and planning your time over the long term. If you don’t have boundaries, everything is harder when it comes to finding time for what you care about. The easiest way to maintain boundaries after you define them is to use your calendar. Block off time to indicate when your work day ends. Put time on your calendar when you know you’ll be focused on family. Carve out time for things like exercise and self-care.”

Take time to switch from mom mode to work mode
“I usually feel a little frazzled from the adrenaline of the morning rush, so I give myself 25 minutes to shake it off and prepare myself to start my work day. I pop on a chatty, fun podcast (or put on some feel-good music if that’s more my mood), and do a quick sweep of the spaces I need to use. I remove all of the obvious kid debris and mess so that the space feels more calm and ordered. Then I change into an outfit I feel good in and do a two-minute glow-up to hide the tired eyes. I take a moment to make a coffee or eat something nourishing in my garden; just five minutes or so to myself outside in nature to reset. Then I head to my desk and get started–work mode activated!”

Focus on one thing at a time
“Avoid multitasking when it comes to childminding and working at the same time—it’s a poor result for everyone if you’re attempting to work while spending time with your children and vice-versa.”

Advancing In Your Career

Work advancements may mean less
“Once I had kids, I knew that work no longer took priority for me. And even though I went back to work eventually, I no longer felt like I needed the ‘cool’ job or the better title. I liked being able to work again, but also being able to shut my computer off and be with my family. I am a full-time project manager at home, I don’t need to be one at my job.”

Make deals on the playground
“You know the old cliché that business deals are made on the golf course? Well, they can be made on the playground too! I’ve found that parents, and moms in particular, are willing to help fellow parents reach career goals. Leveraging my network of fellow moms has led to valuable business relationships and even new clients.”

Work smarter and put yourself first
“Before kids I considered myself a hard worker, staying late at the office, taking on tasks for which I wasn’t recognized, agonizing over every word in an email. I no longer have that time as a working mom. Now I say no to tasks that don’t serve me, walk away from time-sucking clients, and yes, send a few emails with typos. I’ve dialed down my efforts at work and I’ve found that the work I produce is just as good.”

Put pumping on the cal
“If you’re planning to pump, put that time on your calendar so it doesn’t get eaten up by other meetings or requests. People will know that you’re unavailable.”

Mom Guilt and Expectations

No one has all the answers
“Don’t let anyone, especially social media influencers or experts, tell you what you can or can’t do. Don’t get hooked into the narrative of the burnt-out mom if it doesn’t serve you. We’ll all get overwhelmed, but it’s not written in the sky that you can’t have what you want in all aspects of your life. We’re just told, a lot, that, no, we can’t. And I don’t buy it.”

A little sorry goes a long way
“There may be moments when you lose your cool with your kid. Trying to get out the door in the morning when you’re already late for work is an opportune time for this. When you cool off later that day or even later that week, apologize and admit you made a mistake. Everyone will feel better for it.”

So does a little one-on-one time
“Try to carve out a little time each day to focus on your kids. Even just 10 minutes of ‘golden time’ as they call it. Makes me feel less guilty for the time I don’t get to spend with them and sometimes it actually helps their behavior.”

Making Time For Yourself (Really Though)

Rise and shine
“I like to get up as early as I can muster to have some alone time before the rest of my family wakes up. I make coffee, read a few chapters of my book, and just generally let myself bask in the quiet. I find that when my kids do get up I’m more calm and prepared for whatever they throw my way (tantrums, fights, breakfast disasters). Some people call it the 5 a.m. club, but mine’s more 6 a.m. or later because I’m not a morning person at all. But I do go to bed as early as I can to make this work.”

Fresh air is your friend
“I like to go for a walk before work, even when I work from home, and I call it my commute. Alone time, fresh air, and steps make me feel more ready for the day.”

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The Unexpected Parenting Behavior Big Kids Deserve to See

by Kate Loweth

Yes, it’s okay to have a life that doesn’t always revolve around your kids

There are lots of things that are challenging about being an adult—bills, jobs, and having to decide what to make for dinner every night are just a few of them. Studies have shown that parents in the U.S. feel some of the highest levels of burnout in the world, and oftentimes these less glamorous tasks can take over and lead us to lament the drudgery that is adulthood.

One way to combat those feelings of parental burnout is by having activities, interests, and friendships outside of your parental responsibilities. Parenting expert and psychologist Dr. Lucie Hemmen recently took to TikTok to explain what a gift it is for older kids to see at least one parent showing them what’s great about being an adult. Although she directly addresses teens, we think the message applies to those elementary-aged kids as well.

@dr.luciehemmen

Videos for educational use only. #parents #parenting #parentin

♬ original sound – Dr.LucieHemmen

“Teenagers, simply put, get so much out of having at least one parent making adulthood look good to them,” explains Dr. Hemmen. “When you express joy or interest or curiosity about anything in your life, you are showing your teenager that growing up is a cool thing. That being an adult is a cool thing. That living life can be really fun. And that is just so important for teenagers.”

Dr. Hemmen gave this list of things you should be sharing with your big kids:

  • pursuing your own interests
  • having adventures
  • continuing to model growth and a zest for life
  • starting new projects

Kids need to see that we continue to learn and grow, even as adults. Plus, taking time for yourself leaves you refreshed and ready to tackle the relentless of parenthood when you return. In addition, modeling healthy relationships outside of your family unit shows your kids what it is like to be a good friend so that they can do the same themselves.

Having independent interests has a second benefit that shows up when your kids become teens and naturally start pulling away from you. As the experts at Grown and Flown have explained, parents who have friends and activities they enjoy without their kids often feel less abandonment when their kids head off to college or onto the next part of their adult life.

Consider this a sign to finally pick up crocheting or go on that solo trip you’ve always wanted to!

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Why Alone Time Matters & How to Encourage It for Your Toddler

by Melissa Heckscher

I have a video of my two-year-old daughter sitting quietly in the middle of a tornado. Not a real tornado, of course. Just the whirling, noisy storm of her two older brothers literally running in circles around her. In that moment, she is sitting on the floor rocking a baby doll while her brothers bounce around the room like pinballs. While they’re shrieking and giggling, jumping from couch to floor and back again, she is singing a lullaby nobody can hear—as if she and her doll are in a quiet place somewhere far, far away.

I watch it now and say a silent thank you. Because—while it may have taken me three kids to get there—it was in that moment that I knew I had a child who is happy just playing by herself.

And that matters. Experts say solo play or “independent play” not only helps children build confidence in themselves; it also helps inspire creativity, build focus, nurture problem-solving skills, and inspire trust—both in themselves and in their relationship with their parents.

Then of course there’s the (very important) fact that alone time for the child gives parents a little time to themselves, too. “It does give parents a break,” said Bryana Kappadakunnel, a Los Angeles-based LMFT and founder of Conscious Mommy, which offers coaching and workshops for parents of young children. “If a child knows how to play independently and doesn’t require the parent to engage or entertain them, it makes things like preparing dinner much easier.”

So where do you start? How can you turn your wiggly, codependent toddler into a self-sufficient kid who’s happy to play alone? I asked some experts and am sharing my own experiences to give you some suggestions.

 

a dad and young daughter cooking together
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Start by doing solo time with your child

Sure, we all want to have children who can let us go to the bathroom without knocking incessantly at the door because they need us right now (just saying). But that doesn’t mean we can send our unsuspecting two-year-olds to their rooms and expect the magic to happen.

Start by setting up a space that invites them in: Put some paper and crayons on the kitchen table while you’re cooking dinner; set up a playdough station; put a box of Magna-Tiles on the living room floor. Or, says Amy Carney, author of Parent On Purpose: Raising Thoughtful Children in a Complicated World, set up a “boredom box” with age-appropriate items that spark creative play in your child. For this, Carney recommends small items like art supplies, trinkets, toys from birthday party bags, figurines, slime, or putty.

Related: 22 Genius Amazon Finds That’ll Keep the Kids Busy

“Narrate” your child’s play

Want to make your toddlers feel good about playing by themselves? Sit nearby and “narrate.” This means just acknowledging what your child is doing, i.e. “You are building a really high tower!” or “You’re really being caring to your baby doll.” Doing this builds children’s confidence about what they’re doing.

By the same token, avoid correcting your child or trying to make it a teaching moment—don’t quiz them about colors or ask them to count the blocks in their hands. After all, this is play; not school.

And, replace your instinct to correct with curiosity: for example, if your child is using stacking blocks for all-things-NOT stacking (hey, they make fun hats!), say something like, “Hmm you seem to have found a new way to play with that toy.”

Finally: Don’t ask questions, which Kappadakunnel said can be distracting to the child. Just watch and narrate. Imagine that you’re a nature photographer and just observe the child in her “natural habitat.” (They’re interesting creatures, those kiddos!)

Don’t overload the space

Apparently, your child doesn’t need a lot of toys. A 2017 study from the University of Toledo in Ohio suggested that an environment with fewer toys is better for toddlers and that too many toys actually decrease the “quality of play.” It becomes overwhelming for the child. For each play session, just a handful of toys is enough.

Start by putting out a few toys and telling your child that you’re going to watch them play and that they can show you how the toys work. Let your kid get busy, and just be there to watch (if they ask you to play, tell them it is their time to show you or to play on their own—but that you’re there to see all they can do!). Then, once they are used to playing without you as a playmate, you can try putting the toys down and walking to another room (or another part of the room where you can do something else independently of your child).

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The kind of toy matters

They say “the more a toy does, the less your child does.” So choose simple toys that inspire open-ended play. Some good examples are:

  • Magna-Tiles
  • Blocks
  • Pretend play items (a kitchen, tools, etc.)
  • Baby dolls or a dollhouse
  • Simple instruments
  • Sensory play (playdough, clay, slime, etc.)

And don’t tell your child how to use the toy. Let them explore it for themselves. There is no WRONG way to play with a toy (unless it puts the child is in danger, of course).

Note: Avoid toys with screens or sounds—and don’t use toys that are meant to “teach” (like toys that claim to teach ABCs or colors). Toys that teach have their place, experts say, but when it comes to solo play, open-ended toys are best because they inspire creativity and free thought, and allow the child to lead the way.

“If we can take the pressure off of play to be academic and instead see the learning in play associated with how a child learns to regulate their body, how a child learns to interact with others, how a child learns to occupy themselves—play then becomes this rich, wonderful work that is fascinating,” Kappadakunnel said.

Related: 11 Toys That Foster Independent Play (& Will Gift You a Few Minutes to Yourself)

If your child is resistant to solo play, ask, “Have I been available?”

Does your child fight you when you try to get them to “go play”? Kappadakunnel said maybe your child just needs more of you, first.

Ask yourself: Have you been available to your child lately? If the answer is no, then figure out how you can change that. It doesn’t have to be much: Even 10 to 15 minutes of scheduled “special time” a day does wonders for kids. Just set a timer and sit down on the floor with your child. It may seem like a blip to you, but those 10 minutes can really make a difference—for both of you.

Remember that screens don’t count as “alone time”

While an older child might prefer to spend every moment of her alone time on an iPad or video game console, kids need to make time for more productive time alone. That means, maybe, instead of turning on cartoons first thing in the morning, put down some novel toys and ask your child to make something of them. It may be a hard shift at first, but beginning the day with play is a good way to start!

a toddler dumping a bin of toy balls with help from their pregnant mom who is nurturing a love of alone time
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Now is as good a time as any

Whether you’ve got toddlers as clingy as koala bears or older kids who still consider you Playmate No. 1, it’s never too late to start encouraging a little solo time. For toddlers, having “Alone Time” bursts once or twice a week is a good place to start. You can also lead by example, scheduling time for yourself as often as you can and sharing your feelings about it with your kids.

And don’t forget about YOU. We all know you need some of that precious me-time, too. So make yourself a model: If they see how happy you are doing something for yourself, by yourself (arts & crafts, taking a walk, reading quietly), maybe they’ll start to crave those same sorts of experiences, too. Remember: You can lead the way.

Read books that celebrate being alone

Books are a good way to teach young children—especially when it means they get some quality time with you. Try reading these books to get your kiddos craving solo play:

Leave Me Alone by Vera Brosgol
My Very Own Space, by Pippa Goodhart
Charlotte The Scientist Is Squished, by Camille Andros

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Best of the Bay: Where Moms Get Fit

by Sandra Lee

Most days, we are researching activities to put our kids in. Dance class, soccer camp, gymnastics, karate, swimming, you name it. But what about us moms? Often we forget that we need some physical fitness during the week that does not include running after our toddler. A time dedicated to us, for us, with other moms that get us, uninterrupted by someone needing a snack. With the beautiful weather the Bay Area grants us on most days, there are some amazing fitness classes geared just for moms. Most offer free trial classes, so check out our picks below and sign up for a class. Why should our kids have all the fun?

San Francisco

Jane Austin Yoga
Yoga does wonders for the body and mind, but as a new or pregnant mama, it can be life-changing. Jane Austin is a certified yoga teacher with years of experience and a pretty big following. Her pre-natal classes, pelvic floor awareness, and baby yoga classes are held at Yoga Flow in Noe Valley. 

Online: janeaustinyoga.com

PowerPlay SF
Offering in-person and virtual classes, PowerPlay in San Francisco makes it a point to meet you where you are in your fitness journey and help you get to where you want to be. With specialty classes for pre and post-natal, pilates, lift, and even classes for babies as young as 6 months old, PowerPlay is your one-stop shop for fitness.

Online: powerplaysf.com

Natural Resources
With a variety of classes ranging from childbirth prep to lactation help and newborn 101, Natural Resources in San Francisco is a favorite among new parents. The three-week fitness series is catered to either pregnant mamas or to new parents. The pregnancy series focuses on breathwork and pelvic floor exercises while the post-natal series focuses on strength and toning. Classes are all outside and set to fun music with a super supportive group. 

Online: naturalresources-sf.com

East Bay

SRTT (She Runs This Town)
If running is more your speed but want to join a group that understands the need to check on baby, stretch, or even stop and pump, this might be your group. With chapters all over the Bay Area including East Bay, all you need to do is join your local chapter, connect, and get ready for lots of mama talk on the pavement. 

Online: sherunsthistown.com

Momleta
With locations in Walnut Creek, Alameda and Oakland, this mom-focused group teaches strength and cardio classes multiple times a week. We love the Baby Bootcamp class made for mamas of all levels. The class is taught in a HITT format and uses strollers and your own little one for a full-body workout. No babysitter is needed! 

Online: momleta.com

MissFit Bootcamp
Emily is a certified NASM fitness instructor and mom of two toddlers, so she knows what it’s like to have limited time for herself. MissFit Bootcamp offers group classes in beautiful Hayward as well as personal training and an intense 8-week nutritional and fitness series. Check out the Sunday Funday HITT class! 

Online: missfit-fitness.com

Peninsula

A group of moms with strollers take on a fitness class
Fit4Mom

Fit4Mom
“Strength in Motherhood” is the tagline of this supportive group that is all about making time for you. From classes like Body Boost which will get your heart rate up to Stroller Strides for a full-body workout with baby in tow, you'll be having fun chatting with other mamas while getting a workout in. There is also an 8-week Body Wellness Program that is all about nutrition and fitness. Fit4Mom is an awesome way to get a workout in with mamas who get the challenges of breastfeeding, toddlers and everything in between. 

Online: fit4mom.com

KG Fitness
While this gym isn’t just for mamas, KG Fitness is a small studio in San Mateo that has built a lovely community of women who are supportive and welcoming. With fun classes like DanceVibes, Ballroom, and JumpSport (working out on a trampoline!), you’re sure to find your mama tribe here. Classes start as early as 8 a.m and as late as 7 p.m to help fit in a class when you can. 

Online: kgfitnessstudio158.com

Beyond The Push Fitness
Whether you want to build muscle, increase flexibility, lose weight or just connect with other women, check out Beyond the Push Fitness. With in-person Mama Beast Bootcamp morning classes in Redwood City and San Mateo, you’ll feel better about making time for yourself and being a part of a community of women. In addition to fitness classes, they also do Moms Night Out and themed classes to make it fun. Worried about childcare? Kids are invited to participate too! 

Online: beyondthepushfitness.com

South Bay

Groovitude
If dance is more your jam, then check out Groovitude in Palo Alto. Located in the Cubberly Theatre, this small studio founded by two moms have built a fun, loving, and welcoming community for anyone that wants to dance. While there is no childcare, it’s really a time for mamas to connect with their love of dance. With contemporary, tap, hip hop, and jazz classes, this is one studio you’ll want to come back to week after week to learn more steps. 

Online: groovitudedance.com

AVAC (Almaden Valley Athletic Center)
A popular gym for South Bay parents, the Almaden Valley Athletic Center has a variety of fitness classes, a substantial pool, childcare, and camps for little ones. We love the AbsoluteFit program for all an-around small group (10:1) training for moms and dads that also includes childcare. 

Online: avac.us

FitMamaStrong
A boot camp made for mamas, FitMamaStrong in San Jose offers classes in a supportive and positive environment no matter where you are in your fitness journey. Babies are invited in strollers for class while mamas can enjoy some adult conversation. The best part is that 10% of all monthly profits go to the Heritage House in San Jose to support pregnant mamas overcoming hardships. 

Online: fitmamastrong.com

North Bay/Marin

Dailey Method
If yoga, pilates, and barre are more your thing, check out the Dailey Method. The Corte Madera location holds classes in the studio as well as online. One of the perks is the childcare option that can be added so there is no need to book a babysitter when you want to work out! 

Online: thedaileymethod.com

Bay Club Marin
For a variety of fitness classes ranging from dance to yoga to HITT, the Bay Club is a membership well worth it. With the after-school programs, kids camps, and childcare available for members, you can rest assured the kids are taken care of while you get your sweat on. We especially love the heated pools for recreational swimming or lessons for all levels. 

Online: bayclubs.com

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Level Up: Baby Hacks to Simplify Life for New Parents

by Jamie Davis Smith

Tiny babies mean big changes to your life and daily routine. Even if you have all the apps, organizational tools and advice from other parents on getting through the day, it’s still a lot. While there is no magic fix for getting everything done every single day, these baby hacks work well to simplify your life. Read on to learn some new tricks of the parent trade and find a few that will work for you.

grandma, mom and daughter laughing in the kitchen with food - baby hacks
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1. Meal Plan & Prep
It's a reality of life that we all need to eat three times a day, everyday. Once a baby starts eating solids, there are even more mouths to feed! Taking some time every week to plan out meals means that during the week you don't need to give a second thought to what's for dinner. Even better, if you can find an hour or two over the weekend to prep, dice and slice, then cooking during the week will make weeknights run much more smoothly.

2. Outsource
Identifying where you can outsource (and what's in your budget) can change your life. Think about which household tasks you dislike the most or that you have the hardest time fitting in. For some families, sending their laundry out to be washed and folded is a lifesaver. Other parents rely on cleaning services or meal prep subscriptions to keep their household running smoothly and give them more time with family. Even smaller steps towards outsourcing, such as having groceries delivered, can make a big difference. 

3. Have a Shared Schedule
Once a baby enters the picture, it's vital for all caregivers to share their schedules. This is key to ensuring that schedule conflicts are kept to a minimum. Using a calendar that can be synched across computers and phones, such as Google Calendar, is a great option you can access from almost anywhere. Even better, color-code events so it's easy to tell at a glance what is a family obligation, what is a work event and so on.

4. Touch Things Once
It's tempting to take something that's in your way and simply move it to the closest open spot. However, you will save yourself a lot of time and hassle if you commit to touching things just once. In practice, this means that once you have your hands on something that needs to be put away, you take a few extra seconds to put it back where it belongs, instead of stacking it on the table or an existing pile. This not only saves time but greatly simplifies life because you will always know where to find what you need. 

child taking laundry from the dryer - baby hacks
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5. Double Duty
Look for places in your day where you can double up on duties, or delegate them to older kids. Some parents find that time spent watching TV after the kids go to sleep is a great time to fold laundry. Others use time spent on the phone to go for a walk to get some exercise or straighten up. Everyone needs some downtime, but looking for opportunities to multi-task can really make your day go more smoothly.

6. Daily Tasks
Some families swear that the key to making their household run smoothly is doing some tasks daily. You may find that running the dishwasher and putting on a load of laundry everyday helps you stay on top of chores and save time in the long run.

7. Make a Schedule
Having a set schedule to get things done can be a lifesaver. If bills piling up are stressful, set aside an hour one night a month to pay bills. If you constantly have a long list of phone calls to make, pick one day a week to go through your list. Just having time set aside to take care of all of the little things that add up can do wonders for reducing stress and simplifying life. 

8. Book Time for Yourself
If you find you are putting yourself last, as most new moms do, make sure you set aside some time for yourself to do something you enjoy. That could be reading a book, going to brunch with your bestie or going for a run every weekend. Put this on your calendar, tell your partner, and treat it a non-negotiable obligation. Some time away from the daily grind, even if it's just an hour at a time, can help you face everything else you need to do with more patience and grace. 

9. Simplify Shopping
Shopping for items in bulk is one of the best baby hacks. As long as you have some storage space, stocking up on items like paper towels, diapers and canned beans that can last for years can save hours every year. It can also ensure you're not unexpectedly caught without something essential. Once you're stocked up, limit grocery shopping to once a week for fresh items only. This not only cuts back on number of times you need to shop, but it makes those trips much shorter.  

hands holding red old-fashioned alarm clock with blue background - baby hacks
Malvestida via Unsplash

10. Set a Timer
There is no magic number of books or toys your child needs. However, there probably is a limit to the number of minutes you are willing to spend cleaning up every day. Whether you can devote 10 minutes or 30 to tidying up daily, leave out only the items that can be put away within your limits. Put everything else in storage to rotate in when your little one needs something new to hold their attention. Another awesome timer trick is to set aside time every day to do a few chores and straighten up. For example, taking 15 minutes before sitting down for dinner to put things away can really make a difference in your day.

11. Mark It Up
New parents spend a lot of time getting up at all hours of the night. While you're trapped under a fussy or nursing baby, your mind may drift to thinking thinking about what belongs on your to-do list. Keep a dry erase marker by your bathroom sink. Whenever you remember something important that needs to get done, write it on your mirror so you don't forget. After you add these items to your calendar, just wipe the mirror clean and you are ready for a fresh start.

12. Ditch the Decor
It may be tempting to keep pretty decor on display. However, after having kids there are some new considerations beyond aesthetics. Anything fragile within grabbing reach of little ones need to go for safety peace of mind. Even those out of the danger zone present an extra challenge: They take up space and collect dust. Before deciding what to keep and what to ditch, ask yourself if it's worth dusting or giving up storage space to. If the answer is no, donate it. 

13. Use a Command Center
Whether it's virtual or tangible, having a command center where you can leave notes for your partner, a babysitter and even yourself is an essential part of simplifying family life. There are some fantastic hi-tech and low-tech options for keeping essential information accessible. 

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Getting Help for ADD/ADHD

By Angela Rainbolt

Our family has a history with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) that goes back to the late 70s. My brother was the first person in the family that was labeled in this way. I use the word labeled as opposed to diagnosed because there was no treatment. My brother was not prescribed medication and my parents were not prompted to see a therapist, or purchase any books, or anything else that was helpful. My parents were told that it was a discipline problem.

Fast forward to sometime in late 1994. My two-year-old daughter went to bed one night as a sweet little girl and woke up the next morning a different kid.  I’m quite aware of how crazy that sounds and, perhaps, the change was not that fast. I think the important thing is that it felt that fast. I was a single working mother, so my daughter had to attend daycare/preschool. I thought this might be exactly what she needed, but the problems started almost immediately. Daycare providers would complain that she wouldn’t take a nap. It’s hard to talk about but twice I was called about a daycare teacher putting their hands on my daughter. I looked forward to her school years because I was under the impression that public schools would be more trained at handling a child like my daughter.

In 1998, she finally entered kindergarten, and, to my dismay, it was rough. We lived in a small town and nearly every day at pick up I was greeted by a teacher that could not cope. The unfortunate part was that she never requested that we sit down and come up with solutions. Instead, she was demanding and insistent that I take care of my daughter’s behavior in the classroom from home. I was dumbfounded and saddened by this. Little did I know, this would be the theme of her educational years.

There were only three teachers over the years of her education that tried to be helpful. We moved halfway through her kindergarten year. It was after we moved that her new kindergarten teacher and I spoke about ADHD. The teacher sent me home with some materials to read and, to me, ADHD was undeniable. I took my daughter to her pediatrician. The doctor agreed that she had ADHD and prescribed Ritalin for her. Yes, the Ritalin helped a great deal. What didn’t help were the teachers that would call and admonish me on the days that the medication was forgotten. Over the next twelve years, I battled teachers and counselors for accommodations, help, or just some compassion. There was very little of that over the years.

I’ve thought a lot about those years. Between the ages of 6 and 18, there were more and more “symptoms” that popped up. I questioned whether my child’s only problem was ADHD. The problems increased astronomically after the age of 13 and at 16 I took her to therapy/counseling. This wasn’t her first visit.  She had been in and out of counseling for years, but this was the first time that I had brought up some of the more disturbing behaviors concerning food and social cues. I was never prompted to do psychological testing. At no point over the years was I ever prompted to get an official psychological diagnosis. So, you can imagine how hard it hit me when my daughter was given an additional diagnosis of Asperger’s at the age of 27.

My daughter is a grown woman now with a husband and two children. She has been taking ADD medication as an adult and helps tremendously. At the time that she was diagnosed we were never told that medication could be a lifetime endeavor. I never found ADD/ADHD support groups and I always felt as though I was dealing with it alone. I’m sure she felt the same way. Those years created a person that will always speak with passion and compassion about ADD/ADHD. The path that I was pointed towards should never be the path taken.

So, if one morning you wake up with a child that is world’s different than they were the day before…breathe. ADD/ADHD is not an easy road and your life will never be the same. I am urging you to do things differently than I did. Much like “When you know better, you do better,” I am passing on a different adage, “When you know better you let everyone else know.” Back then I read a lot of books and magazine articles. They were all about behavioral issues and how to solve them. The topic was always the child. This isn’t a bad idea, and I would still recommend it. But here’s what I would do differently now.

Maybe you’ve heard that “patience is a virtue.” I can tell you, without a doubt, that it is and when you have a child with ADD/ADHD you will find yourself running very short on patience. Take care of yourself. Practice yoga.  Go to the park and join those folks doing Tai Chi. Meditate. Normalize imperfection.  Please do not ever be afraid of taking time for yourself. Even flight attendants tell us to put our own oxygen on before helping others. And after you have taken care of your own oxygen mask, take your child to a psychologist. Your entire family deserves to know what you are dealing with. A psychological diagnosis, as opposed to just visiting your family doctor or a pediatrician, could change you and your child’s lives. And lastly, find yourself a support group. There seems to be a group for just about everything on Facebook these days and, more than likely, there is one out there that would be a good fit for your situation. From one parent to another, you’ve got this!!

I am a single mom of three beautiful daughters ages 29, 20, and 15.  At 50, I am recently divorced and making a career change.  I'm trying to put my BA and my MA to use finally!  My life hasn't always been easy but I feel good about the future!

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How to Help Your Child Manage Their Anxiety When You Have Anxiety Too

By Kenzie Butera Davis

Understatement of the year: Parenting while struggling with your own mental health is challenging. The truth is, as much as we don’t like to hear it, the ways we manage our own anxiety and stress—positive or negative—can impact our kids. But, before you can help your child, you have to learn to manage your own stress and anxiety in healthy ways.

All of us react poorly at times when we’re overwhelmed or frustrated. We raise our voices at our child when we shouldn’t or we let little things bother us that normally would not. It’s not until our child does the same thing two weeks later that we remember…those small, observant humans are always watching.

Kids observe us as parents because they are seeking information on how to interpret ambiguous situations. So, if you, the parent, seem worried, afraid, or anxious on a frequent or consistent basis, your child may conclude that certain scenarios are dangerous or triggering.

Having anxiety does not make you a bad parent. I cannot iterate this enough. 

Having anxiety as a parent just means that it’s especially important for you to learn stress management techniques and model this for your child. In fact, “A big part of treatment for children with anxiety is actually teaching parents stress tolerance. It’s a simultaneous process—it’s both directing the parent’s anxiety, and then how they also support and scaffold the child’s development of stress tolerance.”—Dr. Laura Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist.

As you learn and actively practice managing your own anxiety, you are paving a path for your child who is observing your behavior. From you, they are learning how to address situations of uncertainty or doubt. No pressure, right?

Here are some Child Mind Institute-approved ways we can positively model anxiety management for our kids.

First, explain your anxiety when your child sees it.

Let’s say, you lose your temper on bring-your-kid-to-work day because you’re running late for a meeting and traffic is terrible. Later in the day, when things calm down, it’s a good idea to address that moment with your child.

Do you remember when dad was angry in the car this morning? Well, I was feeling anxious because I was running late for a meeting and the way I managed my anxiety was by yelling at all of the other drivers on the road. But, there are other ways to manage anxiety. I will brainstorm some better ways that I can handle this situation next time so that I don’t let traffic ruin my morning or yours.

Second, talk openly about your anxiety.

This is important because it lets your kids know they have permission to feel stress but also that stress is manageable. You may not want your child to be the eye witness of your every anxious moment, but you also don’t have to hide your emotions.

It’s actually healthy for kids to observe how their parents cope with stress every now and then. When we keep our children from seeing us anxious, stressed, angry or sad 100% of the time, we inadvertently send the message that they do not have permission to feel those emotions and that, when they inevitably feel these emotions, there is no appropriate way to manage them.

Third, make a plan.

Be prepared to manage situations that trigger stress. If you know you have a day full of stressful meetings coming up, plan to step aside and take a few deep breaths in between each meeting. If you know your mother-in-law is staying at your place, plan your reaction when she asks why the house isn’t cleaner.

Fourth, know when to disengage.

If you know that a situation causes you a great deal of stress, figure out how to remove yourself from the situation. For example, if you have separation anxiety from dropping your kids off at soccer practice, try swapping carpool schedules with a parent. If they drop off, you’ll pick up. Of course you eventually want to be able to take your child to practice but, if you are still working through this, it’s okay to carpool. You want to avoid letting your tone or facial expressions lead your kids to believe there is something dangerous about being dropped off at practice.

Take some time for yourself to engage in a stress-relieving activity when you feel a bout of anxiety coming on in the presence of your child (even if it’s just taking a few deep breaths). This is way easier said than done, but can save you hardships in the long run.

And finally, find a support system. Like, actually do it.

Even if you’re a single parent, you really do not have to do it alone. Identify people in your life (text them right now or, if it’s late, tomorrow morning) who will help out when you feel overwhelmed or follow up with encouraging words when you need them. This could be your spouse, a therapist, another PTA parent, an in-person or virtual support group, etc.

You can also find support through social media, blogs, or other online forums. Lots of parents are passionate about mental health and parenting and they write about it publicly.

I leave you with this: You aren’t expected to manage your stress right every time. The cool thing about having a kid is that they force us to grow into the type of people we want to be because we, whether we choose to or not, lead by example. If you’re thinking that stress management is something you need to fix about yourself, reframe that. This is an opportunity to grow personally and to grow with your child.

To learn more about explaining anxiety to your kids, check out maro by BeforeWeBegin.

 

Works cited: Brigit Katz is a staff writer at Tina Brown Media’s Women in the World. Her writing has appeared on NYtimes.com, N. (2020, April 07). How to Avoid Passing Anxiety on to Your Kids.

Kenzie Butera Davis
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

maro helps parents navigate tough growing-up conversations with their kids: mental health, puberty, empathy & diversity.

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Mother to Mother: Moms Share Their Best Baby Advice

by Suzanna Logan

Babies are lots of things—precious, sweet, funny, adorable, the list goes on. But one thing they are not? Easy. And that applies whether you’re a first-timer or a seasoned pro at the mom game. The good thing is, you’re not alone in navigating the crazy, messy, amazing journey of being a baby mama. Those who have gone before are always ready to offer their best advice. Here are 25 short-and-sweet parenting tips on everything from sleep and must-have baby gear to self-care.

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1. Go slow and spend lots of time at home. It will keep mommy and baby healthy.

2. Have a routine and stick to it.

3. When in doubt, put them on the boob or add water (bath, shower, sprinkler, hydrate).

4. Don't scroll Facebook while you nurse in the middle of the night. It’s harder to get back to sleep, and you’ll miss out on savoring the time with your baby. It really goes by so quickly, although it doesn't feel like when you're nursing several hours a day!

5. Never wake a sleeping baby.

mom and newborn baby
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6. Oldest and best advice in the book: Rest when they rest. Housework can wait.

7. Babies get bored, too! A change of scenery, like a walk around the neighborhood, can work wonders on a grumpy baby.

8. Find your village and ask for help. And if someone offers to come help if you need a shower or a nap, or to do the dishes, take them up on it!

9. There is no such thing as holding your baby too much. Embrace the little moments, be present, and enjoy that little person.

10. If the baby is fed, clothed, and loved, you’re doing everything right. There will be a million opinions on your parenting, so be kind to yourself as long as you know you’re doing your best.

11. Be patient with yourself and baby. You are both new at this. It takes time to get into the swing of things.

12. Tomorrow is a new day.

William Fortunato via Pexels

13. Take time for yourself. When your needs are met, you are more centered, patient and compassionate.

14. Don’t spend tons of money on baby clothes right away. There is ALWAYS a mom who is desperate to get rid of all the cute little outfits she sadly never got to use because babies grow out of things so fast.

15. Electric nail file. #gamechanger

16. Onesie pajamas with zippers only…unless, of course, fumbling with snaps when you’re bleary-eyed and half-asleep during middle-of-the-night diaper changes sounds like fun.

17. Try out different baby carriers until you find one that works for you, then baby wear as much as you can. It makes things so much easier.

18. Velcro swaddles—safe and snug.

19. Gripe water!

20. If you have anxiety while baby is sleeping, get an Owlet or other sleep monitor. Your rest is worth it.

Polina Tankilevitch via Pexels

21. Go with your instincts—the mom gut is always right.

22. It’s said often because it’s so true: The days may seem long, but the years are short.

23. Do what works for your baby, and don't worry about what anyone else says or does. What’s good for one person’s child may not be good for yours.

24. Don’t compare your baby’s milestones to those of other babies.

25. You are all that your baby needs!

—Suzanna Logan

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The Real Reason Motherhood Is So Hard

By Cara Maclean

“Just give the kids to their Dad. Why are you making things harder than they need to be?”

Sometimes I overthink things. I’m not alone in this, and I agree there are simple solutions to the ‘kids only want me’ issue. Namely, give the kids to their dad and walk away. Boom. Done. In practice, however, it’s not always that easy. Or it doesn’t seem that easy even if the action is a simple one. Why do moms limit themselves or over think actions that, on the surface, take two seconds?

I’ll take “Mommy Guilt” for $3000.

It’s the category that houses most of the issues in the ‘Why we make things harder for ourselves?’ Jeopardy game is the ever-present existence of Mommy Guilt. If you’re a mom, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re a dad, there may be a similar thing, but it’s likely a different beast and the subject of another article. It’s possible to ignore Mommy Guilt, and some are perhaps successful in doing so. (I’ve never met those people.) Everyone feels this guilt at some level. The guilt and expectations of motherhood and womanhood are all-encompassing and exhausting.

To get a taste of mommy guilt (if you haven’t already), imagine you’re trying your best to do everything right, yet you have this haunting feeling that you should be doing more, better, or something entirely different every moment of the day. Comedian Jim Gaffigan’s joke about having four kids comes to mind: Pretend that you’re drowning, then someone tosses you a baby! If you work outside the home, you feel like you should’ve stayed home. If you stay home with the kids, you feel like you should be working. The kids’ lunches should be healthier, more creative, and each needs a personalized note. Your kids should be better dressed and smarter and well-behaved enough to succeed, but not so much that they follow others blindly. And you should have a rockin’ bod like the moms on Instagram, even though you feel guilty when you go to the gym because you should be with your family. No article could ever outline all the facets of Mommy Guilt, but I’d like to try. (At the risk of outing myself as a chronically anxious person!)

The Separation Anxiety.

In the early days, there’s the separation anxiety. When you manage to go somewhere alone, separation anxiety makes you feel like you shouldn’t have left your children. This is a normal process and can last a long time if you don’t practice trusting others. I remember my jaunts to TJMaxx (in the early days that’s where I ended up most of the time, if not at the grocery store), where after about 35 minutes, I got this super panicky feeling in my chest. Not quite a full blown panic attack, but definitely a looming sense of “Call them, text them, see if they’re ok’. I actively resisted that feeling, because I knew when I got home everyone would be fine. All the lights would be on and the place would be a mess, but everyone would be happy and alive. Plus, I wanted my husband to know that I trusted him.

The Work/Home Decision.

If you work outside the home, you feel guilty if you don’t want to spend time with your kids when you’re home. You’re a bad mother because you haven’t seen them all day, yet you’re now wanting to give them to your husband for some quiet time or space or workout. How selfish of you! Or at least that’s what we think to ourselves, and hear from well-meaning people who ask why we’re not with our kids. These are the people to avoid if possible. Also, if your husband works as well, you are encroaching on his relaxation time. So you feel guilty about that too. (Keep in mind, however, studies consistently show that moms do more work at home even when they work full time AND have supportive, involved husbands.)

If you don’t work outside the home, you might internalize that what you’re doing—even though it’s extremely valuable for your family, your spouse, and society at large—is not valuable. After all, there’s no monetary value associated with raising humans. You feel your husband needs his time to relax because he’s been working all day. As a stay at home mom myself, I felt I chose the “mom” job. If I sought time away from my job, then I wasn’t doing a very good job! The problem with this, of course, is that the mom job never ends. It’s 24/7, all the time, for the rest of your life. If you don’t learn to create some space for yourself and pursue your passions outside the family, then your life is going to feel like you actually aren’t in it anymore. And nobody wants that, least of all you. You’re lovely when you’re rested and fun and sparkling with the bits of life that light you up. But it’s a feeling that I know many stay at home moms have: that they should be doing it all because it’s now their J.O.B. Taking a break feels like they’re not doing enough, not holding up their end of the deal.

What was it I needed?

Sometimes moms forget what it is they need or want because they’ve been focused on other people’s needs for just long enough to forget their own. This makes it even harder to speak up because they’re not sure what to say. It feels silly to advocate for something when you can’t pinpoint what it is you’re advocating for. It sounds odd to say, “I need to reconnect with my inner sense of self” because what does that even mean? Cue the additional guilt associated with allowing your sense of self to disappear without even realizing what was happening.

The Guilt about Guilt

You might identify with these head games, or think it’s overanalyzed hogwash. Either way, it’s real for those who experience it. It can be embarrassing to admit your brain is overrun with guilt, especially when you’re normally a strong, smart, confident person. You feel guilty about feeling guilty, which leads to shame and a sense that you don’t want anyone to know you’re feeling this way. You suffer in silence. (I realize there are worse things in the world that people endure, which as luck would have it, also contributes to the guilt about feeling guilty! How can you complain about your situation when all these horrible things happen to others?) Your partner likely has no idea what’s going on in your head, so you need to talk about what’s going on for you. (As does he, of course. Ideally, this would be an ongoing conversation about how to keep everyone happy and healthy.) Everyone benefits when you take time for yourself.

Add Extra Challenging Kids.

Having challenging children creates another layer of Mom Guilt. Since you may intuitively understand your kids and their needs—or at least you’re committed to figuring them out—you feel you’re the best at soothing, understanding, managing, or doing an infinite number of tasks. You might get your kids better, be able to calm them, or do things just so. You may have done the research about what works for kids like yours, and so you feel you know best. And that might all be true.

You still need space and time to yourself. So this element of parenting must be another element of the conversation. Not that you can tell your spouse how to parent, but communication is essential. If you’re the only holder of this miraculous knowledge of things that work, you’re creating a bottleneck for yourself in addition to setting yourself up for more guilt AND setting your partner up for a less than stellar experience. They are his children too, and he needs to know what’s going on and at least have the information about what works best.

Once you’ve agreed on your overall parenting approach, embrace your individual parenting styles. When you have children with special needs, parenting methods need to be an ongoing conversation about what works, what doesn’t, and how to tackle things as they constantly change. This eliminates the need to teach your husband because you’re in it together, but it also requires that you let go of what things are supposed to look like.

The Burden Rests with Mom.

Sometimes doing things yourself is easier than 1) teaching others or 2) letting go of the “right” way. It takes work to push past this path of least resistance, but it’s better for everyone in the long run. Unfortunately (or fortunately), the change starts with you. Your partner may not know or realize what’s going on in your head or the pressure you’re feeling from every direction. Communication is necessary. Even if they do realize what’s up, if you don’t communicate how you’re feeling, they’re likely going to assume all is well. That’s why it’s so important to talk about Mommy Guilt in whatever form you’re experiencing it. Your guilt may not match what I’ve discussed here, but there are a million versions of Mommy Guilt. Further, when we don’t share our worries and fears, they get bigger. They become easier to believe. 

When we communicate, we usually learn our assumptions aren’t the truth. Mommy Guilt is a snowball of social constructs that all converge in our heads to make us feel like we shouldn’t be allowed to have space or time to ourselves. Again, maybe men have an equivalent, maybe they don’t. But opening up the conversation helps get rid of Mommy Guilt and it gives your husband a window into why certain things can feel harder than they need to be. (You may even learn that he’s got his own version that you didn’t know about!)

Communication is Key.

Dealing with Mommy Guilt is part of the process of being a mom in today’s world, and it’s best to ditch most of it. You’re not a bad mother if you feel guilty or if you don’t. You’re not a bad mother if you take time for yourself or if you don’t. Your kids will be fine no matter what you do (assuming that you’re actively parenting in some fashion), though I’ll argue every day that they thrive more when you thrive too. It’s an opportunity to make sure that you are fine and fabulous as you weather this parenting journey, so you help eradicate the Mommy Guilt for yourself and others! Lots of moms have given themselves to their families only to have kids move away and their relationship fizzle. Then you’re finding yourself again after years of doing for others. Don’t listen to the guilt; stay connected with your self apart from your role as wife or mother.

You need space and time to be you without any other humans attached. Have hobbies, go for walks, do yoga, simply breathe air somewhere where no one needs anything from you. In order to be your best, you need this time. It benefits everyone when you feel recharged and excited about your family. You are their world, and you want them to know that you love them more than anything! And to do that well you need to also love yourself more than anything. There’s more love to go around when you love yourself, so that’s a bonus. Make yourself a priority and everything shifts.

 

Cara Maclean, Wellness Coach & Writer, works with moms to undo what keeps them exhausted. We cultivate the calm, joyful energy needed to handle any challenge with humor and grace. Author of Just the Way It Is: A Look at Gifted/2e Families, Spring 2022, GHF Press. Learn more at CaraMaclean.com

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Milano Partners with Tan France To Launch Limited-Edition Cup & Saucer

by Jennifer Swartvagher

Take some time for yourself. In celebration of National Coffee Day, Milano is partnering with Tan France to make me-time extra special this fall. The Milano x Tan France Cup & Saucer set is crafted to make eating Milano cookies even more indulgent. 

MIlano X Tan France

This new initiative hopes to inspire you to take a moment to recognize and celebrate life’s wins both big and small. #HaveACookie to celebrate all of those little victories like getting the kids to bed early. 

MIlano X Tan France

France said, “I’ve partnered with Milano cookies to create a limited-edition cup & saucer set, specially designed to add a little extra sweetness to your daily routine. Whether you’ve accomplished a huge work goal or simply need a break from all that is 2020, what better way to celebrate than to have a cookie?”

Each set includes a bag of Double Dark Chocolate Milano cookies, the perfect balance of crisp cookies and rich, luxurious chocolate, to enjoy with your fall drink of choice. 

“Now more than ever, it’s important to appreciate and reflect on wins big and small — and I personally enjoy doing so while curling up with my favorite cup of coffee and having a Milano cookie!” said France. 

Milano will be giving away a select number of the limited-edition sets on the Milano Instagram (@Milanocookies) on National Coffee Day. Fans can enter for a chance to win between Sept. 29 and Oct. 2 by following @Milanocookies and tagging who they’d like to #HaveACookie with.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of Milano

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