These should all make an appearance in future father-son talks

From simple, everyday interactions to more serious, big-picture issues, there are important life lessons we dads can—and should—share to help a young boy grow into a courageous, honorable, and kind adult. That said, we realize that not all families include fathers, so these words of wisdom for a father-son talk apply to any parent figure who wants to help their child stand a little taller and do good in the world.

I’ll always be here for you.
Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. Reminding your son that you always are available to him and mindful of his needs will go a long way in establishing and building trust over time. Mindful parenting means being present in the moment and aware of what’s happening. Modeling positive, supportive behavior while your son is young will show him that good men are reliable and responsible.

Treat others with compassion and empathy.
The Golden Rule may be a simple principle to follow, but teaching empathy can provide a deeper framework for how people should behave regardless of circumstance. Fostering empathy can help young boys to find commonalities between themselves and others who are seemingly different—and encourages them to positively and proactively think about and care for others.

Related: Daughters (Who’ll Conquer the World) Need to Hear These 8 Things

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Winning is great, but losing with grace and humility is just as important.
Good sportsmanship is a beneficial trait that goes well beyond what happens on the playing field. By teaching our sons how to win and lose with dignity, we’re giving them strong interpersonal relationship skills that will serve them well in many other aspects of their lives besides sports. Telling them that the main point of competition is to have fun will alleviate the feeling of needing to win at any cost, and allows them to enjoy themselves.

Surround yourself with people you admire.
Dads can’t always pick our son’s friends, but we can encourage them to choose their friendships wisely. Find out who your son admires and who his heroes are, and you’ll quickly discover the kinds of people he wants to emulate. Real friendships are fundamental in early childhood development, so teaching our sons how to find good friends and be good friends will help guide them in the right direction.

I can teach you how to throw a punch, but never start a fight… and always know when to walk away.
A parent should teach their son when to stand their ground and when to walk away. Establishing a baseline that it’s never appropriate to hurt others for no reason is a critical, essential first step.

Never make an important decision on an empty stomach.
Over the course of a young boy’s life, he’ll have to make many important decisions. These are just warm-ups to the big ones that he’ll have to make as an adult, and every dad knows that important decisions should never be made on an empty stomach. There’s a science to explain why people become grumpy or have poorer judgment when they are hungry. Remind your kid to have a full belly before making any major decisions.

It’s OK to play with dolls.
Or dress up as Beyoncé. Or sing like Beyoncé. Or dance like Beyoncé. By the time most boys are five years old, they’ve already learned lots of things that perpetuate toxic masculinity. Break the cycle by letting your son know that there are no such things as “girls-only toys” or “girls-only behaviors.” Instead, teach your son that there’s more than one way to be a man.

Honesty matters.
Whether it’s telling the truth about a broken window/bike/toy or speaking up against bullies, honestly is always the best policy.

What was the best part of your day?
At the end of a long day of work and school, many dads will simply ask their sons, “How was your day?” And the typical response is a bluntly delivered, “Fine.” Rather than try to start a conversation with a generic question, be specific. Avoid questions that can be answered with a single word. As our kids get older—particularly as they enter their tween and teen years—they may be less inclined to volunteer information about what’s happening in their lives. Asking pointed questions will help tease out what’s really going on and what’s really on their minds.

Let’s talk about sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Because if you’re not the person who’s initiating conversations with your son about topics as important as these, then someone else inevitably will, and that someone else may not always have your kid’s best interests in mind. There are plenty of resources to help parents talk to their kids about sensitive and sometimes awkward topics. At the very least, make sure your son has a handle on the basics from the school of rock.

I’m so lucky that I get to be your dad.
And while you’re at it, tell your son that you love him every day, and give him lots of hugs and kisses, especially while he’s still young so that he gets used to receiving affection from (and giving it to) his old man.

Stop saying things like “don’t be bossy”

What we say to girls matters. “Our daughters script their stories, at least partially, on how we write them,” says speaker and author Dr. Jody Carrington, Ph.D. “Showing them how we want them to show up in the world, while using words that empower them–like “leaders” who are kind and clear, confident, reflective, and responsible, is what they need from us, now more than ever.” While we need to know the phrases that empower the next generation of women, it’s also good to learn what NOT to say to your daughter. Here are the top phrases to eliminate from your parenting toolbox today.

1. Boys will be boys.

This old-fashioned response to a girl expressing her dislike of a boy's behavior is toxic. Girls should be taught from a young age that boys shouldn't get away with unacceptable actions due to their gender. Parents can show their daughters that they take these issues seriously by listening with empathy and taking steps to change the situation.

2. You got lucky. 

A Center for Creative Leadership study found that "nearly ½ of all women interviewed attributed their success to "luck" compared to only ⅓ of men." 

If we want girls to grow into women who own their achievements, we need to celebrate the work they put into achieving their goals. Did your girl ace her last test? Tell her you're proud of the way she studied for it. Did she learn a new song on the piano? Celebrate her commitment to regular practice. The more we connect girls' achievements to their efforts, the easier it will be for them to avoid impostor syndrome as adults.

boy and girl by a pond
Merritt Thomas via Unsplash

3. Stop being so bossy.

Telling a girl she's 'bossy' feeds into the stereotype that only boys get to be assertive and girls should be quiet and retiring. Instead, celebrate that she feels confident enough in her opinions to instruct others. Say something like, "You're so good at making plans for games! Remember that your game should be fun for everybody. Let your friend make some decisions too." This helps her hone those emerging leadership skills.

4. You would be a lot prettier if you smiled more.

This phrase implies that your daughter's feelings are less important than looking attractive to everyone else. If you're worried that your daughter's overall outlook on life is negative, find ways to discuss the issue without connecting it to her appearance or likeability. "Knowing that they are loved as they help with building self-belief and confidence, especially when others around them are being unkind," says Dr. Low. 

Discuss the long-term consequences of focusing on the negative in every situation. Negative people miss out on the good things in the world because they fail to notice them. Consider starting a gratitude journal with your daughter. Or have her tell you two positive things about a situation every time she says something negative. You'll not only help her notice the good details in life but also help her regulate the stories she tells herself.

 

Related: 10 Times Your Daughter Shouldn’t Say Sorry

'get the the point' is something you shouldn't say to your daughter
Sandra Seitamaa via Unsplash

5. Get to the point.

If your daughter shares details about her day-to-day life with you, consider yourself lucky. "Resilience researchers study kids that thrive despite difficult circumstances. These kids have one thing in common–a trusted adult that they believe loves them unconditionally," says Dr. Angela Low, Researcher at Child Health BC, part of the Provincial Health Services Authority of British Columbia. 

"Knowing that an adult has their back no matter what means that they have somewhere to go to seek advice and counsel, when life gets a little overwhelming, or when they make mistakes (as we all do)." Show you're there for her, even if you've heard enough about YouTube and TikTok to last a lifetime. Listen to her now so she will open up to you when it's crucial, later. If you absolutely can't listen right away, try saying this: "You're important to me, and I want to focus on what you have to say. Can you wait for me to finish this task so I can listen to you?"

6. Look how well your friend/sibling does XYZ. 

In this era of competitive parenting, you might find yourself looking at another child who is a better dancer, student, athlete, etc. But telling your child they don't do XYZ as well as another kid is harmful. It leads kids to feel "less than" which leads to low self-esteem, anxiety, and other issues. Remember, there's ALWAYS going to be someone who does something better than all of us, and it's better to point out their strengths or guide them to the things that interest them, not what might just look good in a social media feed. 

"you should go on a diet" is something you shouldn't say to your daughter, little girls eating ice cream
iStock

7. You should go on a diet.

Want to know how to talk to your daughter about her weight? Don't. Instead, teach her how her body works and what types of food and exercise make her body healthy, strong, and well-nourished. Make sure she knows that the bodies she sees in magazines and social media have been digitally edited to achieve that look. Talk about society's pressures on women to look a certain way, even though bodies come in all shapes and sizes. 

Compliment her for the things her body can do. And make sure you talk about how proud you are of the things YOUR body can do. If she sees you loving your real-world body, it will be easier for her to develop a healthy relationship with food.

8. That's not for girls. 

It's the 21st century, y'all. Women are achieving amazing things in sports, business, and the sciences. Encourage your daughter to pursue her dreams regardless of whether her aspirations are in traditionally male-dominated areas or not. 

Worried that she may run across people who treat her unkindly because they don't think girls should apply? You can help her navigate any future challenging circumstances now. Connect her to training, sponsors, and networks that can support her goals. This will build her self-confidence and resilience as she pursues her ambitions.

—with additional reporting by Beth Shea

We love finger painting ideas for kids like this one that’s non-toxic and safe for babies

Make your own non-toxic paint and you’ll be less worried about your kids putting it in their mouth. This easy recipe comes together with three ingredients you probably already have at home. Follow these simple step-by-step instructions for making edible finger paint for babies and older kids, and you’ll be making art in no time.

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Warning: While this recipe isn't made with toxic ingredients, it does contain raw flour, which the U.S. Food & Drug Administration warns against eating. Keep a watchful eye on your child and a wet washcloth handy to clean off hands as you paint.

Save this recipe for edible baby finger paints.

Supplies You'll Need

1. Mix the flour and water together.

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Use warm water to help the mixture come together more easily. We used a whisk to get all of the lumps out. If you have older kids, this is a good step for them to help with.

2. Divide the flour and water mixture.

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Pour the mixture into four bowls, cups or containers of your choice.

3. Add food coloring to each container.

We stuck with the basics, making our paints red, blue, green and yellow. That way we could talk about color mixing as we played, showing how red + yellow = orange and blue + red = purple.

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Pro tip: We used only three drops of food coloring for each small bowl and still ended up with bright colors. If you go overboard with the food coloring, you may end up staining your fingers. But we promise it will wash off eventually!

4. Let your baby get creative!

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Our little tester isn't sitting up on his own yet, so we made this a tummy-time activity. You can use any type of paper, but we like finger-painting paper (like this one from Melissa & Doug). It's glossy and non-absorbent, which helps the paint spread easily across it.

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Pro tip: Let your baby paint in the high chair (as long as it's easy to clean), lay down a waterproof splat mat, or make this an outdoor activity to keep mess and cleanup to a minimum.

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Post-painting clean-up: Set out your artwork to dry, and be prepared to give your baby a bath after your art session. The flour-water mixture should wash out of clothes and off of floors, splat mats, etc., but it's easiest to clean up with warm water right away. Happy finger painting!

Julie Seguss

featured image: iStock

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No parent imagines themselves navigating the NICU until it actually happens, and the dreams of taking home your new baby, or in my case, babies, are put on hold. The NICU, as a serious reality, met me at 29 weeks. I can still recall my first visit from the neonatologist so clearly even though it was nearly four years ago. While on bed rest in the hospital for constant monitoring, he came in to discuss the “odds.” It was awful. The almost robotic, stripped-of-emotion forecast of what to expect was all medical and all about the babies. Rightfully so, they were the ones in jeopardy, but here I was a first-time mom, trying to understand what could medically happen to my babies, but there was no discussion of emotional care or support. Not for me, not for my husband.

I don’t envy medical practitioners: their words hold so much gravity for families. They communicate the odds of mortality, complications, and if/then scenarios in such a matter-of-fact way that they must have to turn themselves off to interact with families. And in my experience, medical jargon leaves no room for your emotions.

The twins were taken out at 32+0. My son had stopped growing. Their environment was dubbed “toxic” by my perinatologist. My daughter was 3 lbs 15 oz, but my son was just 1 lb 15 oz. No one could have prepared me for the journey we were about to take, but my hope is that from the journey we walked, I can help another mom or dad prepare for what navigating the NICU might look like; your emotions, and that there are some things that sound scary, but aren’t.

First Things First: Don’t Feel Pressured to Feel a Certain Way
The feelings I had after giving birth scared me. They scared me because I didn’t have many feelings at all. It felt like an alternate reality. I was no longer pregnant, but I never went into labor, and I didn’t get to hold my babies. They were immediately taken away. I had a rough recovery and didn’t see them for more than 24 hours. Not because I couldn’t, but because I was afraid to. I went home five days later, never having held them (I wasn’t allowed to), and returned every day but one for 56 days. I finally got to hold my son and daughter after two weeks.

Until then, all I could do was sit by their isolettes, pump, lay pressure on their tiny bodies, and just be. It took weeks to feel like a mom, to connect to them, and start to feel that love grow. NICU or not, not everyone feels that instantaneous love that movies and social media often portray. Love, at first sight, is not what everyone feels, and that is ok. We need to talk openly about that so it’s normalized and women don’t think something is wrong with them if the love takes time to grow.

Second: Find Your Voice
Your friends and family won’t really know what to do. Sometimes people respond by giving you more space than you want or need (which can feel like they don’t care) or laying it on too thick with constant checking in. Be vocal about what you do and don’t want or need from them. Finding your voice in the midst of the journey is key for processing and navigating. The sooner it’s found the better.

And on That Note…
If you need more time with a doctor during rounds, don’t let them rush you. It’s always helpful to let one of your nurses know you have questions and need more time so they can prep the doctor beforehand. Ask questions until you understand what you’re told. Doctors often forget not to talk to us like we’re another doctor. If you don’t like how a nurse interacts with you, or how they are with your child, ask for another one. You are the only one who will advocate for yourself and your baby—you have to find your voice even when it’s uncomfortable.

The Role of the Social Worker
In the NICU, social workers are your friend. “Social worker” always had a negative connotation to me, so when I was told one was going to meet with me, my first thought was they must think I did something wrong in my pregnancy that caused this “situation.” Not the case. Social workers are there to help you get services for your child when you leave the hospital. That can be in the form of financial aid and therapy assistance that is often required to get NICU babies “caught up.”

Easier Said Than Done but… Don’t Panic
There are machines and cords everywhere. If I got a crash course on the machines, it’s a blur. One day an alarm sounded for my son that sent me into a panic; it was longer, louder, and harsher sounding than any I had heard before. It was only alerting that his feeding tube “feed” had completed. Don’t try to interpret the numbers or the beeps on anything. Trust that if there is something that needs attention, a nurse, or five, will be there in an instant.

There Is an Upside
While the NICU is an uncertain place to be, you will bond with nurses and have an instant connection with other NICU parents. You’ll see new babies come and others leave while you wait. A friendly smile or knowing when to avoid eye contact can go a long way. And while there is so much uncertainty, one thing that is certain about having a NICU baby, if you are blessed to take them home, you will look at them differently and savor every single milestone.

Lauren moved to California in her mid-twenties where she met Brandon; they’ve been married for almost 7 years and have 4-year-old twins. Lauren had the twins prematurely and left her job at Google to care for them. Though grueling, Lauren considers it a blessing and the most rewarding job (in addition to running bökee)!

February is Black History Month, a time to remember, recognize, honor, and reflect on the achievements of Black Americans. We’re talking about history-defining people like Harriet Tubman, a slave who led other slaves to freedom through the Underground Railroad; Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks, who fought for equality in America; and Barack Obama, the first Black president of the United States.

Throughout the month of February, we’ll be sharing stories about Black leaders who’ve broken barriers, fought for equal rights, and made significant impacts throughout the history of the United States. This week, we begin with five young Black female leaders changing the world and making history.

1. Amanda Gorman (Poet, Author & Activist)
Amanda Gorman is a twenty-two-year-old poet whose poems touch upon race, feminism, and oppression. In 2017, Amanda Gorman became the first US National Youth Laureate—a title that’s given to one person who has shown mastery of poetry and/or the spoken word and advocates for social justice. In 2021, she recited an original poem at the US presidential inauguration, becoming the youngest-known person ever to achieve this. Her poem, “The Hill We Climb,” painted both the pain of the past and hope for the future. —By the Library of Congress, LOC, Public Domain

2. Mari Copeny (Clean Water Activist & Women’s March Ambassador)
When she was just eight years old, she wrote to then-president Barack Obama about the toxic water that was running through the pipes of her city, Flint, Michigan. In her letter, she asked that President Obama visit her city and lift people’s spirits. The president did visit and eventually declared a state of emergency for the toxic water crisis in Flint. Mari has continued to fight for clean water and has raised funds to support kids in need across the country. —Created by Hillel Steinberg via @Flickr CC by 2.0

3. Naomi Wadler (Anti-Gun Activist)
In 2018, Naomi Wadler led an eighteen-minute walkout at her elementary school in support of the March For Our Lives protests that were happening around the country. This protest represented the seventeen victims of the Parkland school shooting and the one African American girl who was a victim of gun violence at her school in Alabama. She later spoke in front of a massive crowd at the March For Our Lives rally In Washington, DC, and asked the country to remember the Black women and girls who are victims of gun violence, but who are often left out of newspapers. —Naomi WadlerTribeca Disruptive Innovation, CC BY-SA 3.0  via Wikimedia Commons

4. Marley Dias (Author & Activist)
In 2015, Marley Dias founded the campaign #1000BlackGirlBooks because she couldn’t find books where the main character looked like her. That had to change. She set up a book drive and a goal of collecting one thousand books where the main protagonist was female and Black. Since then, she’s expanded her efforts internationally and has written books herself. —Marley Dias by WBLS 107.5 NYC, CC by 3.0

5. Yara Shahidi (Actress & Activist)
Yara Shahidi may be a household name because of her recurring role on Black-ish and Grown-ish, but it’s her time away from the set that’s perhaps propelled her into an even bigger spotlight. From getting young people out to vote through her Eighteen x 18 initiative or speaking out on social justice issues, she’s using her star power to make a difference. —Yara Shahidi ColliderVideo, CC by 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons

 

This post originally appeared on Xyza: News for Kids.
Photo: Wikimedia commons
Joann Suen & Sapna Satagopan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

We're two perfectly imperfect moms who have five very different kids between the two of us. We believe that topics in news are a fantastic way to spark conversations in families. That's why we started the Dinner Table Conversation series here at Xyza: News for Kids. Won't you join us in the conversation? 

Choosing to get a divorce is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in your life—especially when kids are involved. Regardless of their age, you want to protect them at all costs and ensure the entire process goes as smoothly as possible. Of course, this is much easier said than done, as you may well know. Aside from the legal aspects, there are emotional and parenting issues you have to deal with. At times, these can be more taxing than the financial and contractual details. However, as impossible as it may seem right now, there are ways to care for yourself and your kids as you navigate this tumultuous time in your life. Here are some tips to help you make it through and become an even stronger mama in the process.

1. Give Yourself Time

One of the best things you can do for yourself and your kids is to give yourself time to process your emotions. It’s completely natural to experience panic, confusion, sadness, anger, and a slew of other feelings as you come to terms with the fact that your marriage is ending. In fact, you’ll likely go through the stages of grief as you move forward, eventually reaching acceptance. However, as painful as the process is, it’s best not to rush it. Sit with the pain and allow yourself to break down when you aren’t on mom duty. You’re human too, after all. You deserve to explore those complicated emotions without feeling the need to suppress them 24/7.

2. Don’t Go It Alone

While alone time is essential in processing your emotions, it’s equally important to find others with whom you can confide. Up until this point, it’s likely your husband was the one with whom you would share your thoughts and feelings. Now, you must trust close friends, relatives, or a therapist with the most vulnerable parts of yourself. Of course, opening up to others can be frightening and uncomfortable. However, talking to someone else may provide you a fresh perspective or prevent you from running back to a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. You might also consider joining a support group so you can be with others who are currently going through or have been through a divorce.

3. Become a United Front

A lack of communication is one of the most common reasons couples seek divorce. However, when it comes time to inform the kids of your decision, you must be able to speak with one another and become a united front before talking to your children. After all, this decision involves both of you, so you should both be present when telling the kids. Moreover, your little ones will likely feel more comfortable and safe if you’re both there to explain things. Prepare for questions and make sure you and your spouse agree on the reasoning behind the divorce so you can answer them clearly and concisely.

4. Avoid Trash Talk

During that first conversation with your kids and throughout the divorce process, avoid trash-talking your spouse. Even if their actions or words were the reason for the divorce, it’s best not to drag them through the mud in front of your children. Your kids don’t need to know all the details of the divorce and, in the end, you still want them to respect both you and their father. Plus, you don’t want your little ones to feel like they have to choose a side—especially when you’re trying to protect them from the messiness of divorce. If your partner is trash-talking you, let your actions speak for themselves and resist the urge to defend yourself. Doing so will only fan the flames and give your kids more reason to turn against one of you.

5. Don’t Make Your Kids Messengers

Even before the divorce is final it isn’t uncommon for you or your spouse to move out and begin splitting time with the kids. If you continue to share custody of the children, this cycle of having your kids and sending them off to see their father will repeat for years to come. During the early stages, many ex-couples use the kids as messengers instead of directly communicating with one another. Don’t make the same mistake. Using your kids as middlemen puts them in the line of fire if an argument were to occur, causing real and lasting damage to their emotional health and wellbeing. Therefore, it’s best to text, call or email your ex privately or meet up and speak in person without your kids being present.

Today Is Not Your Forever

If you’re in the throes of divorce, it may be difficult—if not impossible—to see a silver lining in such a mess. Yet, it’s important to remember that you’re doing this for your kids if nothing else. They deserve a safe, loving home, and divorce may have been the only way to provide that. Find hope in the fact that even if today may be almost too much to bear, it won’t last forever. Eventually, you and your little ones will emerge from the rubble and rebuild your lives together. Looking back, you may find this was the best thing you could ever have done for your kids and their future.

This post originally appeared on Momish.

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

Photo: My own photo

How are you feeling, they ask. 

Many well-meaning, caring and generous friends are probing, texting, inviting me for coffee. Some have been through it, others are still breastfeeding. How am I feeling about sending my oldest child away to college this fall? 

So, how am I feeling? 

Well, I am often near tears. I vacillate between feeling sad and slightly manic. I am blasé about it all. “I’m fine, no big deal. I’m so excited for her!” I say with a brave smile. I am frequently exasperated and critical of her excessive shopping and emotionality. I am also truly, genuinely happy for her to begin this next chapter. In short, I’m a bit of a mess. And that’s OK. 

If your child is leaving or has left for college, whether it is your first, only or youngest offspring, you have shared these feelings and more. If you think it was no big deal and you couldn’t wait to see them go, I applaud you. I’d like to sit with you a while so I can absorb some of your stoicism. I might also scratch the surface a bit, to see what lurks below. I want to believe that everyone is struggling with the same stew of emotions that I’m feeling.

Walking down the street these recent days, I’ll suddenly have a flashback of a moment, long past. Age 2, her messy face as she shoveled spaghetti and red sauce into her mouth at a nursery school “try-out.” She held the plate up and asked for more, please. How the school director, an Orthodox Jewish woman, astonishingly the mother of 9 children herself, called her “delicious.”  I’d never heard that word applied to a child. And indeed she was delicious. Chubby, round, happy. Precocious, sassy, bright. Sensitive and sometimes maddening, insisting we rock her, lie with her, do her bidding. We were amateurs, jumping at the first whimper, constantly at her beck and call. She had our number from the start. She made us a family, taught us how to be parents, welcomed her siblings and charted a course for all of us over the last 18 years.  

We’ll surely feel the loss in our home, in our kitchen, at our dining table, but I fear I’ll experience it a little more deeply than the others. She is my shopping buddy, my confidante, my fashion police and my pop culture guru. We share a love of musical theater and enjoy many of the same singers and bands. I recently impulsively bought two tickets to a concert in October, jumping to grab them before they sold out. As I pressed the “buy now” button on the website, it didn’t occur to me for a moment that my daughter wouldn’t be here to join me. Of course, I’ll find a companion—my husband or a friend—but it won’t be the same. She plays many roles in my life, but at the end of the day, I’m proud and gratified to call her my friend, and I’ll miss her presence in my daily life. 

I feel a constant low-grade worry about her safety at college, her health (physical, mental and emotional), her ability to handle the academic and social pressures. I hope we’ve done a good job of preparing her for the realities of the world, given her the tools to care for herself, to stand up when she falls down, to walk away from toxic people. I want to send her away for four short years, safe in the knowledge that she’ll return to us a stronger, more confident, even smarter version of the young woman she is today. But mostly, I just want her to come back, soon.

Another flash of memory: we are walking down the street after elementary school dismissal. Was it Kindergarten? First grade? It is late Fall and the light is already starting to change, the day becoming short. The afternoon sun is golden, dappled on the sidewalk through the bare branches of the trees that line the block. She is running away from me, laughing, her brown hair flying behind her. She tosses a smile over her shoulder at me, daring me to chase her. 

We walked that block literally hundreds of times when she was young. Why does this moment stick, and I have forgotten all of the others? What is that memory trying to tell me? 

She’s running ahead of me. She is happy. She is healthy and strong. She embraces life. She’s on her way.

 

Natalie Silverstein
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Natalie Silverstein, MPH, is the NYC coordinator of Doing Good Together. She is a writer, speaker and consultant on the topic of family service. Her first book Simple Acts: The Busy Family's Guide to Giving Back was published in 2019 and her second book for teens will be published in 2022.

Teen activists may hold an answer to school shootings.

I say “may” and “an answer” because each shooting is different. There’s no one reason for them.

There is a common denominator. It’s not a mental illness, or divorce, or bullying, or the Internet, or video games, or no prayer in schools or toxic masculinity—though each of those may be a contributing factor in some school shootings.

The common denominator is that school shootings are, well, shootings. Before we address the contributing factors, we must address that.

To do that, we must talk. Negotiate. Problem-solve. Not rant, spout slogans or pass around memes. Not blame mythical “crisis actors.” None of that will help. Let’s discuss what proposed solutions are feasible, practical, and actually helpful.

This time the kids are taking the lead and speaking up. Mandatory suspension means their walkouts may fail, at least if they walkout until Congress does something, as was suggested.

But other students are speaking out in other ways–talking to the media, visiting elected officials and attending sessions of legislative bodies. Encouraging voter registration among their peers.

And you know, these efforts may fail as well. It’s difficult to get your message across when you’re trying to get the attention of people who live and die by ballots, not bullets.

Here’s the thing, though. With the Parkland school shooting, we may have reached a “tipping point” in our society. Even if legislation doesn’t work, as so many say it won’t, there is a force that can catch the nation’s attention: grassroots activism.

I won’t praise the efforts of the 1960s when under-30s protested and helped stop a war, though I surely could. What I want to talk about is an attitudinal change. Societal change. It can happen and it has happened.

Think about the things that used to be commonplace and succumbed to pressure from groups and individuals.

Smoking is a prime example. Despite push-back from tobacco lobbies and cigarette manufacturers, smoking has tapered off in public and in private. Restaurants started with smoke-free seating areas and now in some states are completely smoke-free. Public buildings and many private ones are too. Smoking around young children is particularly looked down on.

Why? People spoke up, including teens (see truth.org). And society reacted. Look at old movies and how many characters in them smoked. Then look at modern movies and notice how few do. It’s almost like someone realized that these characters are representations of our changing society and perhaps role models for kids, even if only subliminally.

And look at drunk driving. MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) changed society’s view of drunk drivers and prompted legislative change; for example, getting states to lower the limits for what is considered “impaired,” holding drinking establishments responsible for taking the keys from patrons too wasted to drive, and requiring harsher punishments for repeat offenders.

Non-legislative solutions are having an effect as well–the “Designated Driver” idea and PSAs that say “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk.” There are smaller, local efforts too, such as providing free cabs on the holidays associated with over-indulgence.

What happened in both examples was that society reached a tipping point. After so many deaths and so much ill health, individuals and groups decided that the prevailing practice had to change. And change it did.

There are reasons to believe that the Parkland shootings may be that tipping point for change. For the idea that school shootings are not just an everyday reality–or shouldn’t be.

Businesses are cutting ties with the NRA, for one. These are protests that will get attention because they are backed up by dollars.

Sure, many teens (and adults and businesses and lawmakers) will ignore the issue. Even teens succumb to the “it can’t happen here” mentality. But others are saying that it can and does happen anywhere. In elementary schools, where the students are too young to mount effective protests. In colleges, where students should.

And in the surrounding society, people are saying, “Enough already with the thoughts and prayers.” Even sincere ones have changed nothing, and insincere ones substitute for actual change.

Likely the change that is coming will be incremental and slow. And after the tipping point is reached and the mass of everyday Americans demand real answers to school shootings, maybe we can turn to the related factors like acceptance of bullying and the broken mental health care system. Grassroots efforts and public education are key.

But first, let’s listen to the kids. They have the most to lose.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

“You know why kids bully? Because adults bully. But no one wants to have that conversation.”  — Lauryn Mummah McGaster

I saw this pass-along on Facebook the other day and decided that I did want to have the conversation. When we think about bullies, we usually think about kids bullying other kids—classically, stealing their lunch money or more recently, tormenting them for being perceived as different.

And what do we say when that happens? Kids can be mean. Kids can be cruel. Kids have no respect. In other words, the problem arises in the kids themselves. They shape the victimization of others, presumably out of thin air.

But let’s stop a minute. We know that kids learn what they see adults do. They learn to talk and walk. They learn to swear and belittle. The walking and talking may be hardwired into humans, but the rest is clearly learning by imitation.

But adults aren’t bullies, really. They don’t go around stealing lunch money and certainly not in front of their kids.

You might be surprised, but adult bullying happens a lot at work. Belittling and humiliation seem to go with business just as much as board meetings and yearly reviews. Not all workplaces are toxic, of course, but almost every one contains a group of gossips or a clique that excludes others just like children do in the cafeteria. They yell at underlings. They sexually harass others. They steal credit for others’ accomplishments and boast about it.

But wait, you say, children seldom if ever come to where their parents work and see them behave this way. How can they be learning to bully from them?

Bullying behavior starts with an attitude, a sentiment that there are winners and losers in life and the winners have the right (or even the duty) to lord it over the losers. Think about how many people were influenced by the “looking out for #1” philosophy.

Adults carry these attitudes home with them. Children pick up on them. Think about what adults do and say in front of their kids, even—or maybe especially—when they don’t know the kids are within earshot. They vent about their neighbors and their bosses. They use words like “b*tch” and “bastard” and worse. They talk about their day and how “stupid” some co-worker was or how they “felt like smacking” the customer service representative.

And think about what adults say when their children are being bullied. Often the response is, “If he hits you, hit him right back. Show him you’re the boss.” This perpetuates the “winners and losers” scenario and sometimes leaves the “loser” with a desire to victimize someone even “lesser.”

Worst of all, think about how often adults bully children. There are too many children who are badly abused, hit and kicked and belittled by their parents. These cases sometimes get reported to Children’s Services.

Those are the extreme cases, however. Seldom does a single slap or two get reported. Telling a child that he or she is “no good” or “stupid” or even “a big disappointment” never gets reported at all. Some adults use humiliation, name-calling, and fear, all in the name of discipline and good behavior. Some pit one child against another, praising the “good” child and condemning the other. Some blame and shame ruthlessly.

They may think they are raising obedient children, but they are showing them through actions, words, and even tone of voice what it is to be a bully or a victim and how often bullying succeeds. The essence of bullying is that one person has actual or perceived power over another and uses that power in toxic ways. Think about how much power adults have over children and how seldom they consider how to use that power wisely.

This is certainly not to say that all adults abuse their power or their children. But when you look at children’s behavior, it’s hard not to see a reflection of the environment in which they were raised.

Bullies don’t just happen. They learn.

Hi! I'm a freelance writer and editor who writes about education, books, cats and other pets, bipolar disorder, and anything else that interests me. I live in Ohio with my husband and a varying number of cats.

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