Sometimes I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo.

Sometimes I want to give up on the stability, the memories, the relationship built over 22 years. Sometimes I want to leave the man who gets frustrated too easily or often doesn’t see the world the way I do or still leaves the toilet seat up upon occasion. Sometimes I crave a simpler life, one without conflict or obligation or concessions.

Because sometimes marriage is just hard, too hard to see through to the end.

The smiling woman in the photo is not the same person at 44 as she was when she met this man at 22. She is hardened and jaded and often feels broken. She shows more compassion to those in pain because she also suffers, yet sometimes she forgets to dispense empathy to those closest to her. She puts others’ needs before hers because that is simply what mothers do—although sometimes she resents it. She loves hard and full and fierce, but sometimes she wonders if that is enough.

Sometimes I want to give up on this marriage—and I’m not sure what stops me.

Certainly, it is the three young faces that stare back at me over the family dinner table. It may be the fear of living a life without a partner. Perhaps it is the complication of separating two intertwined lives or the thought that the grass is always greener on the other side.

It would not be uncommon or unusual. Many friends entering mid-life echo my sentiments, struggling to keep their marriages afloat, some with more success than others. I’ve watched couples disintegrate before my eyes because of tragedy or betrayal, and other unions slowly rip at the seams because two people grew apart or sought different lives.

So, sometimes, when I want to give up, I look—I mean really look—at the pictures of us. I see the multitude of lines that adorn our faces, the result of so much joy and laughter shared between two souls. Each smile reminds me that we overcame the pain of miscarriages and infertility and deaths and illnesses only because of the strength of the other. The sight of us touching reminds me of the thousands of embraces we’ve shared over two decades and how when he reaches back to grab my hand in a crowd, it still takes my breath away.

And I look into his eyes, and I see that he is still the most decent man I have ever known.

Sometimes marriage is hard, harder than maybe it should be. Giving up may be logical, easier, or sometimes even the right thing to do.

Sometimes I want to give up on this man, but not today.

Because although I’m in the season of marriage that is difficult and exhausting and hard, in these pictures and in this life, there is always a new reason to fall in love with him all over again if I look hard enough.

So, in those times when I want to give up on this couple smiling in the photo, I am reminded that for our marriage “joy cometh in the morning,” as it always does.

As I hope it always will.

Whitney is a freelance writer, social media manager and blogger at Playdates on Fridays, where she discusses family, relationships and w(h)ine. She is an expert in carpool logistics, coffee and making to-go dinners for her family to eat in the minivan. She resides in the suburbs of Chicago with her three tween daughters, husband and her dog that acts more like a cat, Jax.

It’s tough enough for a grown-up to process tragedy; young children often have an even harder time when it comes to understanding and dealing with traumatic experiences. And that’s where Sesame Street is stepping in. The beloved children’s show has a video series that’s aimed at helping kids cope with trauma.

The free online resources include videos, books, activities and games that are available in both English and Spanish. The Sesame Street materials don’t just help kids to deal with major worldwide or newsworthy trauma, they also help them cope with experiences that are personally traumatic.

Feelings aren’t exactly easy for a young child to understand. And when stress and anxiety take over, they aren’t always equipped to handle what’s going on inside. This series provides ways to calm down, handle frustration and learn how to feel safe when things get scary.

The videos are made for little ones to watch with their parent or caregiver. Not only can kids get an education in handling heavy feelings, but (by watching the materials with a caring adult) they can also build relationships. This adds to the nurturing effect of the videos and can help kids feel safe and secure.

Originally published Oct 2017.

Wedged between homework and fundraising forms in the kindergarten folder was a letter to parents: It advised us of an upcoming active shooter response drill. Words like armed intruder spread across sentences on school letterhead detailing the session for students. The following week, stuffed between readers, handwriting and math practice papers was a new note addressing the tragedy at the Tree of Life Synagogue, outlining activities the children would participate in to honor first responders and victims of the tragic event.

I found myself staring at the school papers, formulating a dialogue in my mind. A conversation difficult for adults alone, but now necessary to have with my daughter.

We cover things quickly—I’m lucky to get this five-year-old to sit and focus for just a few minutes. We discuss the ALICE acronym (alert, lockdown, inform, counter, evacuate), and she tells me what she’s responsible for during the event of an active shooting: “We run and hide, throw things at the bad guy and get out.” My stomach turns. Our local police officers equipped with firearms were unable to fully protect themselves from bullets sprayed by the shooter who injured and killed innocent people near Mr. Rogers’ real-life neighborhood—a tight-knit community located across a few steel bridges from us.

This talk is tough. I let her take the lead and let me know what she learned, chiming in with my own what would you do scenario. The most important element I ask my child to take away from our conversation is to always be aware of your surroundings. This message I will ingrain in her mind every time we arrive in a public place. “Look for exits and identify a quick and easy way out in case of emergency. Be aware of where you’re sitting, and if possible, never have your back to the main entrance.” Unsettling, right?

Our conversation isn’t long. She wants a snack and some crayons to color, bored by my big words and requests to repeat after me.

Hearts are heavy, and it’s hard not to notice the sadness surrounding the city of Pittsburgh. I’m shaken knowing my little girl is at school, bowing her head on the playground in a moment of silence. I’m unsure if she fully understands what is going on—reoccurring acts of gun violence are forcing her to grow up too soon.

Our children are being trained to defend themselves. The ALICE acronym is now as important as the ABCs. Our little ones are learning survival skills to run, hide and fight for their lives because dangerous people are hurting others with automatic weapons laws protect.

No matter how much we are divided on politics and personal rights, it’s small acts of kindness that cement us. Writing thank-you notes to first responders, delivering sympathy cards to family members grieving lost ones and donating blood to victims of gun violence show we love and support one another and the communities we live in. For those taking a stand against the evil of intolerance and hate growing around us at an alarming rate, I cannot help but think of Pat Benatar’s song “Invincible.” The battle cry chorus reminds me of every one of us echoing we are #StrongerThanHate.

“We can’t afford to be innocent / Stand up and face the enemy / It’s a do or die situation / We will be invincible.”

Originally published Nov. 2018.

As managing director of two children—19-months apart in age on purpose—Sara has hands-on experience in human development, specializing in potty pushing, breaking up baby fights and wrestling kids into car seats. When there's a moment to look away, she's writing for the web, blogging and building websites.

It’s been a roller coaster ride of emotions for Bode Miller, Morgan Miller and family over the last few years. The ride is headed on a high note, as the Millers announced they’ll be having a baby girl this morning!

She’s due in November and will join twin siblings Asher and Aksel, 18 months, plus brothers Easton, Nash and half siblings Nate and Dace. The Miller family experienced tragedy in 2018 with the drowning death of 19-month-old daughter Emeline. Before the reveal, Morgan Miller wrote on Instagram “Deep in my heart, I know I am hoping for a baby girl but as long as the baby is healthy, I know our hearts will be filled with so much love and joy.”

The Millers gathered with family on Sunday for a fiesta-themed gender reveal party and pink confetti filled the air. Bode Miller posted his own sweet photo to Instagram this morning, noting, “It’s a GIRL 🎀 We cannot wait to welcome another baby girl to our family in November.”

Considered the most successful male American Alpine skier of all time, Bode Miller won an Olympic gold medal and World Championship gold before retiring in 2017. He married professional volleyball player Morgan Beck in 2012 and the family is currently based in Big Sky Montana.

––Sarah Shebek

Featured image courtesy of Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com

 

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Did you grow up reading the Hardy Boys books? Now a show based on the beloved series is coming to Hulu. A new trailer was released by the streaming service today. 

According to a description from Hulu, “After a family tragedy strikes, Frank Hardy (Rohan Campbell), 16, and his brother Joe (Alexander Elliot), 12, are forced to move from the big city to their parent’s hometown of Bridgeport for the summer. Staying with their Aunt Trudy (Bea Santos), Frank and Joe’s quiet summer quickly comes to a halt when they discover their dad, detective Fenton Hardy (James Tupper) has taken on a secret investigation. Realizing that their Dad may be onto something the boys take it upon themselves to start an investigation of their own, and suddenly everyone in town is a suspect.”

All 13 episodes of The Hardy Boys will start streaming on Hulu Fri., Dec. 4. 

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of Hulu

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So, your kids may be home for an extended period of time in the coming weeks. Perhaps they will be off for a planned Spring Break and your travel plans have changed. Or maybe schools will be canceled out of an abundance of caution over the spread of Covid-19. Maybe you live in a part of the country that is still waiting for the start of Spring and you are buried under a blanket of snow. Regardless of the circumstances, lots of downtime at home can lead to frustration and boredom. I’d like to suggest an addition to the usual line-up of books, homework sheets, games, craft projects and screen time: service

What if we all shifted our focus a bit and spent some time gazing outward toward people and organizations that could benefit from our kindness and outreach? While volunteering in the community may be impossible during these challenging days, there are lots of “Kitchen Table Kindness” activities that can keep children meaningfully engaged while spreading kindness to others whose struggles may have nothing to do with the spread of the coronavirus.

In my work as an advocate for family and youth service, I often recommend at-home service activities for families with children who might not be welcome to volunteer in the community because the kids are too young. However, all of the following projects can be done by children of all ages, and you likely have most of the supplies in your home (or can easily order them online for delivery).

1. Write letters and cards for children who are being treated in the hospital.  You can send them to Cards for Hospitalized Kids or Send Kids the World.  Send Kids the World allows you to search a database so you can direct your letter to a specific child. The Cards for Hospitalized Kids website includes important guidelines on appropriate language to use in your letters (for example, you never want to say “feel better”). The use of glitter and glue should be minimized. Construction paper and crayons or markers are all you need to work on this easy and meaningful project.

2. Similarly, your kids can make colorful birthday cards and send them to the Confetti Foundation which supplies birthday parties for hospitalized children.

3. Kids can decorate plain paper placemats with cheerful messages and drawings, and these can be donated to your local Meals On Wheels program. You can search the national Meals on Wheels website to find your local branch.

4. There are many ways that your family can support our active-duty military, their families and veterans.  Organizations like Soldiers Angels, Operation Gratitude, and Support Military Families collect cards, letters, hand-knit scarves, para-chord bracelets and others items for care packages that are shipped to our servicemen and women who are serving far from home, and to the home-front families who miss them.

5. Do you have some fleece fabric sitting around?  Consider making no-sew blankets for Project Linus, which provides hand-made blankets for children in need, or donate them to a local nursing home to be used as lap blankets. 

6. Fleece scraps can also be used to make chew toys or pet blankets for donation to your local ASPCA or animal shelter. Ideas and instructions can be found online.

7. Do your kids love to draw? Check out Color a Smile which distributes cheerful drawings to senior citizens, our troops overseas and anyone in need of a smile. You can download printable coloring sheets from the website and let your kids go wild.  Once you’ve collected a stack of beautiful drawings, send it along to Color a Smile which has given out over a million smiles over the last 25 years.

8. Order an arts and crafts kit from Stars of Hope. Stars of Hope is an organization that grew out of the tragedy of 9/11 which empowers people to share messages of love and hope through hand-painted wooden stars. Each “Box fo Hope” includes 15 wooden stars, paint, brushes and instructions. After your kids have painted the stars, you can box them up and send them to a community that is recovering from a natural disaster or other tragedy. 

9. Take a look around your own neighborhood. Is there an elderly, homebound or ill neighbor who might need some groceries, some help or just a phone call to check-in? Can your kids spend some time on the phone, Skype or Facetime with a far-away relative who hasn’t seen them in a while? Think about the people in your family who might appreciate hearing from you, who would enjoy sharing a laugh or a warm word of affection during an anxious time. 

10. Finally, if your kids are a little older and they are interested in learning more about a social justice issue—the environment, poverty, hunger, educational access for girls around the world, homelessness, etc.—sit with them and help them through some internet searches of reputable sources of information on these subjects.  Spend time talking about the work that is being done and how they might get involved. 

This is a particularly fraught time for everyone, especially parents who need to manage their own fears and anxiety while keeping children calm. If we are going to be stuck indoors together—and it is increasingly likely that this will happen to many Americans—perhaps we can use this time to spread joy and kindness. We can remind ourselves that as dire as our own situation may seem, someone, somewhere is likely having a more difficult experience. By helping our children to spend some of their time actively engaged in serving others, even from the confines of our own homes, we can find a glimmer of hope and optimism in challenging times.  

Natalie Silverstein
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Natalie Silverstein, MPH, is the NYC coordinator of Doing Good Together. She is a writer, speaker and consultant on the topic of family service. Her first book Simple Acts: The Busy Family's Guide to Giving Back was published in 2019 and her second book for teens will be published in 2022.

Homeschooling, zooming, building, crafting, and complaining? Yes, unfortunately, all the homeschooling has turned kids into little monsters. Gasp! What?!

But never fear! Your children will be alright. Since March, there were a lot of adjustments since school campuses closed. In the beginning, my friends and I laughed, joked, and then intermittently cried over all the math lessons, the essays, and the assignments that had to be turned in on time. I’ve always had a deep respect for educators, but having to teach children not of their own blood for seven hours straight, five days a week is definitely not the easiest job in the world.

As a parent, I’ve learned that kids are actually more resilient than adults. And they are quite forgiving. You can yell at them or even ground them. But a couple of hours later, everything is forgotten and forgiven. That is why, as a parent, it’s our duty to protect our children and teach them to do the right thing so that when they become adults, they will remember all the life lessons that we taught them.

Once again, as I started writing this a week ago, I was going to shed some insights and tips on ending the school year and going into an uncertain summer. But as we were faced with the tragic results of police brutality and the injustice faced by people of color—in particular, the black community—I wanted to share something that we can do to help our children. Whether you are a parent or not, you should realize that everything starts in childhood. Children are not inherently evil. They do not inherently know that one person’s color of skin should be treated differently than another color. Evil. Cruelty. Shame. Those are just a few injustices that almost everyone faces at one time in their lives. And as children, they learn from what is around them, whether it’s through their parents and family members, at school, on television, or what they see in video games. I am by no means a professional psychiatrist, but I can speak frankly as a mother, an educator, and as a minority.

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” – Nelson Mandela

How true are those words spoken by Nelson Mandela all those years ago. But sometimes as parents, we forget that what we say or do directly affects our children. They see what’s around them. They hear what’s around them. And they react to what is shown them. Even if we are most careful to hide certain acts and thoughts from them, children will inevitably pick something up.

So let’s go back to the resiliency I mentioned. Yes, kids are pretty resilient and tenacious. They fall, they get up, and they move on. And they do so because it’s what they know inside them. They haven’t yet learned that it’s scary to fall or that it’s painful to have a scraped knee. Pain might be an instinctual reaction, but fear is usually learned and taught. So let’s take their most progressive years of learning and teach them only good things. Teach them about compassion. Love. And common respect.  Because only through the eyes of compassion and respect will we bring meaningful change.

If you need some help in how to guide your kids on coping with tragedy and trauma, below are some outlines from the Orange County Department of Education.

Be understanding. Not everyone reacts the same way in times of crisis. Some children may become more quiet or withdrawn, while others may become irritable or act out. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network reports that how children experience traumatic events and show their distress will depend largely on their age and level of development.

Take time to connect. Sometimes adults can become preoccupied with disturbing events and managing their own responses. Take a moment to check in with your child.

Limit their exposure. CHOC Children’s has noted parents should consider the proximity of an event and what information a child truly needs to know. Be aware of televisions that are on and showing news coverage in common areas.

Show patience. Just as individuals may have varying responses in times of tragedy, they will also have different timeframes for healing. Try your best to be patient with those you’re caring for, as they may have a shorter or longer response time to the crisis.

Make sure to follow up. Check-in periodically to make sure children are continuing to cope in healthy ways.

Keep explanations appropriate. The National Association of School Psychologists offers these suggestions for keeping explanations of school-based violence developmentally appropriate:

  • Early elementary school students need brief, simple information that is balanced with reassurances that their schools and homes are safe and that adults are there to protect them.
  • Upper elementary and early middle school students will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Discuss the efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools and provide concrete examples.
  • Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence in schools and society. Emphasize the importance of following school safety guidelines: not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, and reporting threats made by students or community members: communicating any personal safety concerns to school administrators, and accessing support for emotional needs.

In the end, you are the parent or caregiver. You know your child best. But right now, most kids will see and hear about the recent events. They already know about the pandemic crisis so to add their fears and doubts about what they might see on television or hear from their family and friends could be quite traumatizing and confusing.

This post originally appeared on Happymomblogger.

I am a mom first and foremost. I might not be a supermom, but I am constantly learning and growing.Topics I stand with are parenting, the environment, and living a healthy and happy lifest‌yle. I work at an elementary school and I have 30 years experience in the health industry.

Some kids are all about pie. Lila Chen prefers Pi!  The sixteen-year-old is channeling her love of math to raise money for The March of Dimes. 

The Chen Family

Chen from Noe Valley is this year’s March of Dimes San Francisco March for Babies Ambassador. Lila, a junior at Lowell High School, started raising critical funds for March for Babies in the 9th Grade. Two year ago, the Chen family held a “Pi for Babies” event at their home for family and friends, where Lila recited 1,256 digits of Pi from memory.  They also ate a lot of pie. Last year, Chen held another fundraiser, this time challenging herself to beat her previous year’s number. She raised nearly $5,500 for the 2019 March for Babies campaign when she recited 1,364 digits of pi for her supporters.This feat unofficially ranks Lila as 43rd in the US or 120th in the world, according to the Pi World Ranking website!

Lila Chen

Chen has enjoyed memorizing Pi to challenge herself for years. “For whatever strange reason in Grade 5, I decided that I could and would win the Grade 6 Pi memorization contest at my middle school,” Chen said. “That year, the winner had memorized 150 digits. That’s a lot of numbers! The next year, when I was in 6th grade, I won the contest by memorizing 396 digits! In 7th grade, mainly because my friends dared me that I couldn’t double my number, I won with 800 digits. And in my 8th grade, I memorized over 1000 digits. I was proud of my accomplishments, but didn’t know what good having a freakish memory for these particular numbers would do. That is, until my family and I realized that I could use this random skill of mine to shine light on a cause that means a lot to me.”

The Chen Family

The March of Dimes holds a special place in Chen’s heart. She raises money to honor her little brother Jonah, who passed away from a neonatal viral infection, enterovirus, only nine days after he was born.“While nothing could have prevented our family’s tragedy, we know how important it is to focus on healthy babies and mothers,” explained Chen. She continues her fundraising efforts to support the March of Dimes’ “lifesaving research, programs and advocacy so that all moms and babies can be healthy.” 

Lila Chen

“Lila and her family share our commitment to improve the health of all moms and babies,” says Robert Pinnix, Greater Bay Area Executive Market Director. “It’s not acceptable that each year thousands of moms and babies deal with complications from pregnancy and birth. But together we can do something about it. That’s why we March for Babies — a day for everyone to hope, remember and celebrate together at our walks nationwide.”

You can read more about the Chen family and learn how you can become involved on the San Francisco March for Babies event page.

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of The Chen Family

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Unfortunately, forgetting a child is in the backseat of the car is not something that only happens to “bad parents.” In fact, 2018 was the highest year on record for tragic pediatric vehicular heatstroke. Experts agree this can happen to even the most devoted parents. With that in mind, all parents and caretakers should be aware of the scenarios that can cause distraction from the baby in the backseat.

Not all these scenarios can be avoided, but if parents and caregivers are aware of these four situations that can happen to anyone, they can ensure extra precautions are taken at these times to avoid forgetting their child is in the backseat.

1. Having a Bad Day. When frazzled parents are having a bad day at home or at work, it is easy to forget everyday things like your little baby sleeping quietly in the back of the car. Being distracted by a rough work day or a difficult family problem can cause a parent’s mind to wander.

2. Distracted When Getting Out of the Car. As social media and texting become more prevalent, people are becoming more distracted. If you’re checking social media or on the phone while getting out of the car, it is easy to forget important routines.

3. Popping Out of the Car for “Just a Few Minutes.” If a parent is just jumping out of the car to pick up ordered groceries, drop of mail at the post office, fill the car with gas or another quick task, it can be dangerous. It’s easy to forget your baby waiting in the back of the car when your mind is focused on completing a quick and easy task – and unfortunately even what feels like just a few minutes is dangerous in a hot, closed vehicle.

4. Other Caregivers. When a grandparent or babysitter is watching a baby and it is not their normal routine, it can be all too easy for them to forget the baby in the car. Additionally, if one parent typically does pick up or drop off at daycare, a day out of the ordinary when the other parent is responsible for the baby can be fatal if extra precautions are not taken.  

Because there are several scenarios in which children can be forgotten in hot cars, it is important for safeguards to be put in place. Not all of these scenarios can be avoided—bad days will happen, emergency phone calls sometimes must be taken via Bluetooth in the car and every parent will use babysitters. The important thing is being aware of these situations that cause child vehicular heatstroke in order to avoid tragedy. While they are almost always genuine accidents by loving parents or caregivers, they are easily preventable when steps are taken to keep distractions at a minimum. 

One easy solution to prevent this potential tragedy? The eClip. It’s a device that attaches easily inside the car and connects to a cell phone via Bluetooth. It alerts parents if they walk more than 25 feet from their car without removing their child. 

Michael Braunold is CEO of Elepho, Inc, the company that created eClip. eClip is a device that attaches easily inside the car and connects to a cell phone via Bluetooth. It alerts parents if they walk more than 25 feet from their car without removing their child.