It’s tough enough for a grown-up to process tragedy; young children often have an even harder time when it comes to understanding and dealing with traumatic experiences. And that’s where Sesame Street is stepping in. The beloved children’s show has a video series that’s aimed at helping kids cope with trauma.
The free online resources include videos, books, activities and games that are available in both English and Spanish. The Sesame Street materials don’t just help kids to deal with major worldwide or newsworthy trauma, they also help them cope with experiences that are personally traumatic.
Feelings aren’t exactly easy for a young child to understand. And when stress and anxiety take over, they aren’t always equipped to handle what’s going on inside. This series provides ways to calm down, handle frustration and learn how to feel safe when things get scary.
The videos are made for little ones to watch with their parent or caregiver. Not only can kids get an education in handling heavy feelings, but (by watching the materials with a caring adult) they can also build relationships. This adds to the nurturing effect of the videos and can help kids feel safe and secure.
The chances are high you’ve struggled to pull your child away from the screen or caught your kid scrolling on their phone late at night even when you set clear rules about no devices in bed. You’re so not alone. As parents, all of us are trying to help our kids navigate tech overload, but so often we feel we need to be supermoms and solve these problems on our own.
As the Director of Policy and Programs at the California Partners Project, a nonprofit ensuring California’s media and tech industries are a force for good in our children’s lives, I’m working to unpack how tech and social media are impacting families and creating a space for parents to be real with each other. Last fall, our team released a report Are the Kids Alright? to get a sense of how California teens were coping with the pandemic, and we found that tech has entertained and provided much-needed connection, but it has also sparked “addiction”, anxiety, loneliness, and disrupted sleep.
These problems aren’t going away anytime soon, so to get a better understanding of what families and kids are navigating, CPP and our co-founder California First Partner Jennifer Siebel Newsom launched a listening tour to hear from diverse caregivers about their pandemic parenting experiences.
I’m so grateful I got to join and lead conversations with dozens of moms, and I’m pretty amazed by how resilient we parents are. We’ve experienced so much trauma over the last year and a half and most parents (myself included) haven’t had meaningful opportunities to download and process our experiences and feelings. The struggle to manage life at home amidst isolation, screen saturation, and fear is real.
Parents told me that they haven’t been able to shield their kids from endless stressful news coverage, and others talked about how hard it is to create meaningful agreements around video games—especially when expectations are different between two parents. Many also shared that there is a dark side to popular apps they previously thought provided innocent entertainment. In one listening session, I heard about the growing anxiety and depression that children have experienced as the pandemic has worn on. “For us, there was so much anxiety because it was so unknown,” one mom said. “The kids wanted to go to school, they wanted to go to prom. Last year I had a 12th grader and she missed her prom, she missed her graduation and she was frustrated having to deal on a day to day and we were talking about putting her into counseling.”
After hearing parents echo common challenges, and discovering that so many of us feel we are in this alone, CPP created responsive toolkits with tips, recommendations, and best practices to help parents teach their kids how to practice healthy tech use. Our team talked to expert psychologists, pediatricians, educators, and other mental health providers to shape each toolkit with practical tips parents can use in their own homes. Check out some of the highlights, which I hope serve as a jumping off point for conversation and connection within your family:
How Can Parents Navigate Screen & Tech Saturation?
1. Discuss your approach to tech and media use with your co-parent or caregiver before you have difficult conversations.
Consider a family media agreement to begin a discussion with your child’s other parent (see Common Sense Media Family Media Agreement). These types of documents will help outline issues that might arise and provide an opportunity for discussion before you have to face the issue in real-time.
2. Create a family exercise challenge to get your kids off the screen.
Create a sit-up, push-up, or dance competition your family can do right in your own home. These simple exercises are practical ways to get stronger and more fit without equipment or classes (see Parents Together Family Challenge).
Don’t feel bad if your family has gone off-course with tech use. Acknowledge that some rules were suspended during a difficult year plus. Vicki Harrison, MSW and Program Director at the Center for Youth Mental Health and Wellbeing at Stanford University School of Medicine, recommends parents recognize that the last year was difficult and some unintended habits that got us through won’t continue as we recalibrate to a new and shifting reality.
3. If your child is feeling anxious about the news, set a plan to watch the news with them and/or discuss the content of the news of the day.
The APA recommends that parents set guidelines about what time of the day the family checks the news (APA). If your child is young, try to make sure the news is not on unless you or a trusted adult is monitoring what they are hearing and seeing. Ask your children what they think about the news and take time to listen to their response. Remind your children and teens to stick to trusted news sites to gather information.
If you’re looking for ways to manage your child’s devices, start with the settings. In most cases, according to research, if you want to begin to activate restrictions on devices or applications, whether for content or time limits, the best place to begin is settings. Platforms like Google (Digital Wellbeing) and Apple (Screen Time) have programs that allow you to put restrictions on your devices.
I know it will take time to help our children process the grief and loss they’ve experienced, but I am inspired that we can open up a dialogue and create space for parents to be honest with one another to help our children emerge from the pandemic healthy and whole.
With a sustained commitment to socially responsible outcomes I have served on national and local boards advocating for children, gender and race equity. I recently transferred my passion for education and media to pursue an advanced degree in education leadership. I live in San Francisco with my husband Ken and my two sons.
Kindness and inclusivity start at home and it’s never too early to start the conversation. As part of Sesame Workshop’s ongoing Coming Together initiative, new resources have launched specifically for military and veteran families. They emphasize racial justice, building a positive sense of identity, being an “upstander” and practicing self-care.
The content includes a special video featuring First Lady Dr. Jill Biden, a “Great Things” music video that highlights how military families can deal with “big feelings” and an “I Am Me” interactive game. You’ll also find professional development materials for work with military families and Sesame Workshop will partner with national military organizations to utilize these resources.
Previously, Sesame Workshop released content on the “ABC’s of Racial Literacy,” an ongoing initiative to help families talk about race and racism. You’ll find helpful videos, articles, printables and more so you can get everyone involved and engage even the youngest members of your family.
Five-year-old Wes and his father Elijah, first introduced in March, are back in two new videos. In “Proud of Your Eyes,” Wes helps his Filipino American friend Analyn process big feelings after she was teased about her eyes. In “Breathe, Feel, Share” Wes tells his family about getting teased for his lunch and they practice a simple coping strategy. You can also watch video featuring The Clutes, a Native family, that explores the ways families can talk to their kids about race and culture.
The kids in your home will enjoy printable activities, like “Welcome to Sesame Street, Wes and Elijah!” coloring pages and “I Am Somebody” cut-apart affirmation cards. And the grownups can read articles on “The 4 S’s of Anti-Racist Parenting” and “Racial Trauma and Responding to Racism.”
Sesame Street partnered with the Coalition for Asian American Children and Families and the National Black Child Development Institute to create these resources. You can find them for free in both English and Spanish online. Let’s come together at home to make the world a better place!
––Sarah Shebek
Featured image courtesy of Richard Termine, Sesame Street Workshop
It was the middle of 5th grade when Ashley’s social world shifted. For the past few years, she and her best friend Maya were inseparable. The pair sat with their larger group of friends at lunch, but it was common knowledge that they were besties.
Until Maya started sitting at a different table and declining Ashley’s invitations to hang out. There was no distinct falling out between the girls. Things just started to change.
Maya was getting really into apps and music. Ashley preferred to play the off-line games they usually played together. So without much discussion, the friendship ended, leaving Ashely confused and figuring out where she fits.
Then, school closed and her activities were canceled due to the pandemic. Over the next several months, Ashley lost touch with a few more friends. Her social world shrank to her extended family and neighbors. She felt eager but nervous to get back to in-person school and restart her friendships.
Post Pandemic Transition
In normal times, friendship changes, and struggles intensify during the preteen years. With the enduring pandemic and social distancing, kids’ social lives are in a whole new state of flux. Some friendships bloomed, some stalled, and others have fallen away.
As kids head back to in-person friendships, these changes will come into focus. Social groups will be different, new friendship dynamics will emerge, and that’s okay. For many kids and parents, this offers an opportunity to start fresh.
How can parents support kids as they reenter their post-pandemic social worlds?
To start, it’s important to remember that there is no way to avoid discomfort during this phase or any phase of life. Hurt feelings, friendship loss, mistakes, and social struggles happen as kids grow and learn. But there are ways parents can support their child’s journey.
Listen & Empathize
Now, as much as ever, kids need the empathy and support of their parents. Many kids’ social worlds have turned upside down. Every child needs a trusted adult to listen as they work through challenging emotions and situations. Ideally, this person is supportive, does not give unnecessary advice or get overly emotionally involved. Allowing kids time and space to process their feelings and experiences aloud increases their self-awareness, improves clarity, and reduces anxiety.
Encourage Openness
Young friendships are a bumpy road, filled with change. Parents can help their son or daughter broaden their perspective as they re-enter their social scene. Post-covid friendships may be different, and that’s okay. Friendships and people are always evolving and changing.
Get Involved in Activities
Help your child get involved in activities where they can meet new people. Finding friendships takes time. It helps when kids are in places where they have more opportunities to connect. If your child continues to experience isolation and loneliness, be sure to seek support from a school counselor or other professional.
Manage Your Stress
It’s easy for parents to get caught up in their kids’ emotions. A daughter’s social struggles may trigger a parent’s own painful memories. Author and researcherBrene Brown described the parental experience of witnessing and identifying with a child’s social travails as a “secondary trauma.” When parents stay grounded and calm, they avoid adding additional stress to their child’s struggles.
Making, keeping, and deciding when and how to part with friends is part of every child’s development. Re-entry into in-person friendships may feel like a crash course in all of these skills. It’s a unique opportunity to reconnect with old friends and meet new ones. It’s a time to start fresh and enjoy some much-needed time together. As kids work through changes and challenges, they learn empathy, gain social and self-awareness, and come to understand the ins and outs of friendship… essential skills that support them now and throughout life.
Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences. Visit www.JessicaSpeer.com to learn more.
I’ll start there. You don’t wake up one day and say “I’m going to quickly fix and move on from this thing that’s been stabbing me with a million tiny needles an hour for years. (Wipes hands) problem solved.” There is no silver bullet to healing.
Trauma also begets trauma. Once you’re exposed, it’s like an all-hands-on-deck pile on until you finally figure out how to genuinely feel your feelings. Recently, I was enlightened to the idea that instead of going through healing, I could go around it. You believe you’re doing the work. Truly, you do. In reality though, you’re kind of just going around it. Yes, you’re checking all of the boxes: Therapy. Check. Medication. Check. Openness to new ways to heal. Check, check friggity check.
You’re showing up to find the light, but you’re keeping your sunglasses on. To attempt a bit more eloquence, it was described to me like this: Picture a sphere. You can go over it and look down at it, you can go around it and take a quick peek, but the biggest impact would come from going through it. You can’t miss it if you go right through it. You become engulfed by the sphere and, by proxy, have to take some of it on to get back out again. Sure, you can see it from all of the angles, but you won’t heal from a drive-by. You need to be stuck in traffic for a while to really appreciate a clear lane.
I had never really thought about it before. I mean, I can’t deny it – I essentially hold a Ph.D. in intellectualizing the intangible. I don’t cry often, I carry other people’s guilt, and the word “trauma” makes me cringe. I invalidate my own feelings about my own trauma as soon as it comes out of my own mouth. I started thinking though, I can’t be alone in this. I am not the only person working around healing. More specifically, I’m not the only parent struggling with what it looks like to do the work while being present for your family.
Trauma manifests in the ways your body allows it to. The ways in which our brains and hearts feel like it won’t kill us. That’s really what we’re fighting for, right? This trauma that was imposed on us as kids, teenagers, young adults, whatever has the ability to literally kill us if we let it. I process things to abandon them; I don’t process to own them and learn from them. I want them gone as soon as I acknowledge it. Out of sight, out of mind has been my factory setting for a long time.
I’ve been in and out of therapy most of my life. When I was younger, I shared a therapist and a psychiatrist with my narcissistic parents. So, as you can imagine, the narrative was a bit cloudy when it came to healing. I took a long break. I made the choice to stop therapy and stop medication at a point where I felt like I could handle the world without it. In reality, I wasn’t actually getting anything from it because I wasn’t encouraged to put anything into it. We learn how to process our emotions from our upbringing, that’s no major secret. If your upbringing correlates emotions that don’t fit a specific narrative to insanity, you very quickly learn to get in line and keep your thoughts to yourself.
I’m at the point in this piece where I’m questioning why I’m even writing it. Do I want to congratulate myself for someone else recognizing that I have more work to do than I thought? Or, do I want to write about this because I feel alone in it and know that’s not the case. I’m cautiously optimistic that it’s the latter. Becoming a parent rocked my world in a way I really wasn’t expecting. Being the product of cyclical, narcissistic abuse and mental illness, I went into parenthood with the fear of repetition. Would I be capable of loving my daughter in the way she deserved to be loved? Would I impose my own emotional detachment and accidentally discourage her feelings? Would I repeat the cycle?
I’m writing this from the outside of the sphere as I contemplate what it looks like to actually go in. I worry that doing the work now will take away from the most innocent years of my daughter’s life. I also worry that saving the work for later will take away from a time where she’ll need my emotional availability the most. Being a parent is freakin’ hard. We are challenged to be our best selves while raising better versions of who we became. I want my daughter to know that crying isn’t weak and that being yourself isn’t shameful. I want her to stay weird and feel like she can tell me when she does something stupid. I don’t want her to make a story shiny just because it will be more consumable for someone to digest. I don’t want her to hold her opinions—she has them, she should use them. She’s entitled to them.
That’s why I have to do the work now. Through my box-checking (and a great therapist and the support of my friends and family to explore healing outside of traditional therapy), I’ve certainly made progress. I have pride in my learned ability to parent in spite and the very genuine bond I have with my daughter. I recognize my inability to let go of the past and my trauma-based identity. If you’re reading this and nodding, I see you. We are not all our mother’s daughters. We are not all our parent’s children. Being a product of your environment and your trauma doesn’t have to equate to repetition or, even worse, regression. Recognizing where you’ve been has the best potential to navigate where you need to go.
Jess Ader-Ferretti is the creator and host of the growingly popoular web series, Shit Moms Won't Say. Jess is a born and rasied New Yorker who lives with her wife, Katie and their daughter, Lillie. Tune into Shit Moms Won't Say every Monday at 8PM EST
There are all kinds of beliefs, myths, misunderstandings, and assumptions about the postpartum phase of women’s lives. A time when society says women should be overjoyed with their new baby is often fraught with complex emotions, utter exhaustion, conflicting feelings, too many opinions and not enough help. Yes, some of the challenges that come during the postpartum period are due to hormones, but it is so much more than that. With growing awareness about the hardships of the postpartum phase and media attention around new postpartum depression treatments, it’s time to set the record straight about what postpartum really is, what causes the challenges within it and how to help.
First of all, postpartum itself isn’t a condition. Every single mother goes through postpartum. It is simply the period of time after a woman gives birth. Some people think of it as only the first six weeks after giving birth, or the first three months, known as the “fourth trimester.” But in actuality, the postpartum phase lasts for upwards of two years and is filled with different phases, experiences, emotions, and changes.
Within the postpartum period, there is a higher risk than usual for developing mental health challenges. The most common include postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, and postpartum OCD. Also possible are postpartum psychosis and the development of postpartum addiction. The most well-known of these afflictions is postpartum depression, which is often simply referred to as “postpartum.” But there are many mental health conditions that can develop during this phase, and it is important to expand the definition of and conversation around postpartum to include them.
It’s not simply hormones that contribute to the development of postpartum mental health challenges. Sleep deprivation plays a big role. Also at work is the intensive personal journey women go through in becoming mothers. Especially for first-time moms, it is a huge identity shift to go from childless to a mother. For some, it takes a while for their inner identity to match their new outer reality, and this causes all kinds of mental health complications and strife. Grief, rage, sadness, regret and a whole host of challenging emotions can arise along with the joy of holding a tiny baby skin to skin. It can be hard to reckon with all the conflicting emotions and hard to process feelings. Another related aspect is the sudden onset of no longer having enough time to care for oneself. One day, it’s just you doing you. The next, it’s you caring for another being who is incredibly needy 24/7. This is a serious shock to the system and takes time to adjust to. All the pressure to be there, not enough time for herself, too much demand on her body, the intensive healing process that happens after giving birth, all swirled together very often leads to a high amount of anxiety for a new mother, which itself can lead to OCD, psychosis or depression. It’s all interrelated and complex.
Some other big contributors to mental health challenges in the postpartum period are lack of meaningful connection with other adults and not enough help. A new baby naturally puts a strain on all a woman’s relationships, so that takes a toll. Also, there is a deep isolation that occurs for most new mothers, not only situationally but interpersonally. The experience of becoming a mother is so complex and nuanced, it is hard to communicate what is truly happening inside and therefore can be difficult to feel truly connected to other people and feel understood. There is also a phenomenon that happens of all the attention being on the new baby, and barely any attention on the mother and her feelings. It can feel dehumanizing and create unease within the woman.
Not enough help is also a huge problem. If a woman is lucky, she will have extra support during the first few weeks, but this often wanes. A few months later, after the excitement and newness has worn off for others, she often finds herself all alone or only with the support of her partner, and it is simply too much work for one or two people to reasonably do, while also taking care of a household and earning enough money to provide for their family on not enough sleep. Add to the mix other children along with their needs, and you’ve got a recipe for some serious struggling for most people.
Added to all of this, is the tendency for mothers to not share or talk about the challenges they are going through, as well as a resistance from many to get help where they struggle. This is confirmed by a study from NC State. “Our study finds that many women who would benefit from treatment are not receiving it, because they don’t tell anyone that they’re dealing with any challenges,” says Betty-Shannon Prevatt, a practicing clinical psychologist and Ph.D. student at NC State.
It is also important to mention that many women experience trauma during their birth-giving experience, even if it was a relatively peaceful birth, and need the support of trained professionals to heal from it, yet often do not get or seek out that support. The stigmatization of receiving therapy coupled with the societal pressure to appear perfect and happy as a new mother mix together in a harmful cocktail of not enough permission to express the hard stuff, not enough understanding of it and not enough support with it. Left for too long without proper treatment, even less severe postpartum mental health challenges can escalate into serious problems.
So you see, the solution to postpartum mental health challenges truly extends far beyond medication. New mothers need more support: physically, emotionally, mentally. They need more trusted arms to hold the babies so they can have time off to heal and feel themselves. They need other mothers to talk with and be completely honest with, without the fear of judgment or shaming. They need villages of supportive friends and relatives to continue to help them, far into their first year and beyond. They need to know it’s ok to see a therapist, and it doesn’t mean anything negative about them. They need permission from society and themselves to feel the harder stuff without it meaning that they are a bad, crazy or incapable mom. They need trauma healing. They need sleep. They need more resources and understanding. They need more normalization of all these complex feelings, emotions and challenges. They need listening ears and attentive eyes, strong arms to rest into and warm hearts to connect with.
When women receive all that and more, there will be less postpartum mental health challenges in the world. When these complex experiences and emotions of new motherhood are de-stigmatized and more normalized, medicated less and addressed with holistic, whole-person understanding, and when women are truly supported by the villages they need, postpartum mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, psychosis, OCD, addiction and burnout will lessen and better health for mothers and families will prevail. That’s the truth as I know it, and I will keep working towards it with my words, actions, and intentions. Let’s help create a world with less hardship for mothers and more support for all.
Flow is an Author and Memoir Writing Coach for Womxn. Feeling the call to write your true life story into a book that inspires? Sign up to join a Free Memoir Writing Breakthrough Workshop through her website, and get the clarity and momentum you need to make it happen.
Like many others before me, I became a mom not fully grasping the responsibility I was accepting. I knew I would be a loving parent, but I didn’t know that that would only entail half of it.
Next week will mark 3 years since my 7-day-old baby passed on, with tomorrow being his birthday. His life and death taught me more than all the other years of parenting my surviving children could possibly have given me.
After my son was diagnosed at 14 weeks in utero with congenital heart defects, I lived in a state of permanent panic. I worked, I cooked, I homeschooled my daughter, I went out, but the taste of fear was a constant in my throat, choking me.
The worst thing any expecting parent could have imagined came to pass with a 9 p.m. phone call telling me that my baby in the NICU was in distress. We raced over there immediately, but 45 minutes of trying to resuscitate him were all for naught.
Losing my last born son has not made me coddle my remaining two children. Surprisingly, it has given me more confidence as a mother. I know what it’s like to lose a child, and I no longer fear death.
My daughter started high school last year and my son graduates at the end of 2021 with hopes of pursuing a rather dangerous career of being a game ranger. And I am no longer the helicopter parent I once was.
When the worst imaginable thing has already happened, you realize quickly that nothing is in your control. And this leads to an inevitable shift in parenting styles—at least it did for me!
Whereas before, I parented from a place of fear, worrying about bullying and hypothetical scenarios, overthinking all the things that could go wrong, and the amount of emotional trauma that children can be exposed to, now I don’t.
I still have moments of anxiety where I worry if my child made it safely through the school gates, but it’s no longer the type that causes paranoia or takes me to the school an hour early or makes me call the principal to check.
When parenting from a place of love, you see your children as separate, autonomous beings. They may lack maturity and experience, but they’re still whole human beings, not pieces of yourself. You can love them enough to let go.
And I know what you’re going to say, having children is like watching your heart walk around outside your body. Yes. Totally. But one of my external hearts has already left the building and I don’t want to smother the two that are left.
So here I am, parenting from a place of love, allowing them to grow into their own people with new dreams, hopes, and ambitions—stuff they didn’t get from us—and I refuse to be afraid anymore.
Razia Meer is a Managing Editor at women's magazine, AmoMama, and a mother of two teens and an angel baby. With a passion for homeschooling and building wells in African countries; when she is not educating, fundraising, or editing, she writes about cryptocurrencies, families, and canines - not in that order!
Adoptive moms are not that different from any other mom. They have to care for their children, get upset, frustrated, and annoyed by their kids, and they love and brag about their kids.
Yet, an adoptive mom has differences from other moms. Adoptive moms add children of varying ages to their family. Moms may not know the child’s full background either. Plus, they have to go through life with the adopted child, navigating what it means to be an adopted parent and helping their child understand that as well.
The adoption process is challenging, and it can be confusing at times how to support those moms who are going through or have gone through that process.
Here are 8 things you can do to support adoptive moms, no matter where they’re at in their adoption journey.
1. Learn about the Adoption Process
One of the best things you can do is learn about the adoption process. If you want to support your friend, this certainly helps, especially if you don’t know much about it. While you don’t have to understand every detail, learning the basics will help you view adoption from your friend’s perspective.
Most adoptive moms are willing to talk to you about the process. Learning about adoption facilitates discussions with the adoptive mom because it allows you to ask informed questions and be enthused with her.
2. Understand That Parenting May Be Different
Biological children and adopted children likely will be parented differently. The mom is likely trying to find a new balance with their newly adopted child and find a parenting routine that works. An adopted child may have a background unlike that of a biological child. Consequences and other actions towards an adopted child may not work.
For example, sending a child to their room is a common discipline method among many parents. However, for a child who may have been abandoned or doesn’t view possessions the same way, leaving them alone for a time out could have negative consequences. An adoptive parent has to be flexible to meet the child’s needs.
3. Give Thoughtful Gifts
An adoptive parent probably isn’t directly going to ask for support or gifts. However, they will never turn down help or a meaningful gift. The gift could be a box of chocolates or an offer to help clean her home or cook a meal for the family.
When giving a gift to the newly adopted child, make it something small that the family can enjoy together. Some children aren’t used to having so many material items and may become overwhelmed. A gift card for a movie or an art kit would be perfect so the entire family can be involved.
4. Choose Your Words Carefully
Even if you have a lot of experience raising children, are good at it and could give your friend some advice, avoid it. Often, adopted children have a past trauma in their lives. They’re likely emotionally unstable, so traditional parenting doesn’t always work. The right thing could very well be the wrong thing when parenting an adopted child.
Additionally, be careful with your words around adoptive families. Avoid asking questions about the child’s past or how much the child cost. These children are not commodities, and their story is theirs to share.
5. Treat the Child as Human
Once the child arrives at their new home, it’s an exciting time, no doubt! However, that child is not a celebrity—they are human. Taking photos of the newly adopted child and pouring all of your attention on them while disregarding the mom’s other children isn’t healthy.
View the family as a normal family. Plus, talk openly with your own children that adoption and children who may look different are normal. This helps the adopted child feel welcome and safe.
6. Offer Financial Resources
Adoption can be expensive. Many families look for ways to reduce the cost of adoption. You certainly don’t have to give the family cash directly, but you can help with fundraisers or other ways to help them with the cost.
Attend fundraising events that the family hosts or ask if you can help organize a fundraiser for them. Any bit of financial help goes a long way, and the parents will feel appreciated and supported by your gesture.
7. Listen
One of the most important ways you can support adoptive moms is by simply listening. This is good advice for any relationship, but if you have a friend or family member who is adopting, listen more than you talk. Your friend’s world is drastically changing as she learns new knowledge through the adoption process.
You might feel uncomfortable with some topics, but your friend needs that time to talk and process. She is sharing because she wants someone to listen, not for someone to offer advice. Plus, by actively listening, you can better support, understand and communicate with your friend.
8. Support & Encourage Them From the Start When you hear that your friend is adopting, be there for them from the start. The adoption process can be long and draining, but it’s also rewarding and exciting in the end. Adoptive moms need all the encouragement they can get, so use these tips to support them!
Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine. A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures. She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time.
When I was 12 years old, I was assaulted—and I had no idea how to deal with the storm of emotions brewing inside of me.
No one in my family knew how to help or respond. They stayed quiet while I suffered in silence. My parents, both of whom had been abused as children, were never given any tools to help them heal.
With a family history of addiction, it was no surprise that I turned to drugs and alcohol to quell my pain. When children are traumatized and hurting, they tend to act out. They often lack the verbiage to explain what is happening inside. Drugs helped me numb out and forget the pain. But in reality, all they did was prolong the pain—and add to it.
I am often asked and wonder, would it have been different for me if a trauma-informed person had been in my life at that time? Could they have kept me from the 10 years of horror I experienced? I think so. Had someone spoke to me in a way that eliminated shame and did not make me feel guilty and scared, I may have sought help sooner.
A “trauma-informed” approach is one that aims to understand behavior—not label it, blame someone, or accidentally shame them. Telling people that it’s OK to not feel OK, sharing with them that they are not alone, and telling them that you believe them are all powerful ways to offer a young person a safe space to navigate confusion around trauma.
Thankfully, today, we live in a society that has cracked open important conversations around abuse and assault. Victims of sexual violence need not suffer in silence as I once did. That doesn’t mean that conversations about these topics are easy. They are hard—especially when you become a parent, but I’ve already started these discussions with my 5-year-old son.
Our children cannot do better until they are taught better—and neither can we as parents.
Here are tips to have age-appropriate conversations with children about their bodies, consent, emotional regulation, and coping.
Engage at the Right Times
After being raped, I remember it felt like my brain was able to lock those memories away. They only came out in fits and spurs, in flashbacks and nightmares. I could not access feelings and place them next to the events that happened to me. Children are resilient and their brains have an incredible way of protecting them, this can make intervention a challenge.
When asking more probative questions, engage children when they’re playing or during physical activity. A child’s brain development is different and direct questioning does not always work, especially if you’re trying to get them to open up about something fear-inducing or traumatizing.
If a child’s brain is already engaged with coloring or shooting hoops, it can be easier for them to talk about topics that are emotionally overwhelming. Ask questions, let them know you love them, that you are willing to listen, and will never judge or shame them for anything they share.
Normalize Talking about Hard Things
Pepper in prevention education throughout your conversations so your child knows the right terminology for their body, and they understand who is allowed to touch them and who is not. Do this while changing diapers, during potty training, and at the doctor’s office as they grow up. Just make quick, matter-of-fact statements since they might not tolerate or entertain a long conversation.
In our home, we teach our son a song and dance where we sign, “stop” and say, “Don’t touch me there.” We put a handout in a stop sign. “This is my no-no square,” we say, and “draw” a square around their lower body. Then we discuss how his body is his and no one is allowed to touch him without his permission. We tell him that only a doctor or parent should touch his genitals and even then, that is only for a quick cleaning or examination and there should always be another trusting adult in the room.
Provide Resources
One of the hardest jobs as a parent is knowing that often, we are not the ones our children will turn to when they need to talk or want to ask questions. In normalizing the conversations around engaging tough topics be sure to give them plenty of resources and acknowledge that you know it may feel odd for them to speak to you about whatever they need help with. Tell them that this is OK and give them some alternate names, places, and entities who they can speak to, including trusted friends, family, or hotlines.
Teach Healthy Coping Strategies
If we can build resiliency in our children and teach them to feel feelings while normalizing trauma in a way that gives them space to talk, feel, heal, and deal, they are less likely to reach for negative coping mechanisms. Negative coping comes from a lack of effective coping strategies.
We encourage our son to use his words and give him permission to be mad or sad by being there for him when he cries. We also teach him to use tools such as mediation, deep breathing, and walking away when he is overwhelmed. We normalize common emotions by making him feel supported instead of isolated and we teach him how to process emotions in a way that makes him feel better.
By giving children healthy coping tools, you are building a foundation for them when they have hard feelings. You are giving them ways to process emotions without them wanting to escape.
Offer Support through the Ups and Downs
These strategies, while well-intended, may not always work. Children and young people may still turn to drugs, alcohol, or other negative coping mechanisms. If they do, let them know that you are there for them, that you support them, and stress the resources that are available to them.
This way, your child will grow up with options—and options are huge when dealing with trauma and addiction.
Survivor. Author. Advocate. Victim’s Rights Expert. After a childhood rape turned her life upside down, Storm turned to drug and alcohol to cope with the trauma. This ten-year battle with addiction culminated in a brutal suicide attempt which she survived. She has over 20 years experience in victim’s rights.
If you’re a mom you know there’s a phrase that you cringe when you hear your husband say it: “Ask your mother.” It’s one that I hear and I think, “Nope! Why are you setting me up for this?” A lot of times I feel annoyed that I have to answer a basic question and Jeremy gets out of it.
But then I’m reminded of our NICU days. It’s this moment I always go back to. I can remember the site, the smell of a sterile hospital room, I can remember the feeling in my chest, the emotions all of it. It’s when Jeremy held Whit for the first time. Whit was on life-support we were hopeful but didn’t know what the next day could bring. We had had a long day. We weren’t approved for the Ronald McDonald house so we were driving almost an hour to and from the NICU every day.
I was the human milkmaid who wasn’t handling the NICU life the way I felt I should. As if that’s a thing. As if they hand you a book upon entering called: How to handle the NICU and other fun facts to get you through this sucky time. I was constantly crying only able to hold my son once a shift because he becomes too unstable. None of this situation was ok. NONE of it.
I remember going to my parents to eat and my phone broke. I lost every NICU picture. Every contact. Everything. I had four days of exhaustion, trauma, and this feeling of guilt that I couldn’t shake and I lost everything. Whitman could easily die and I’d be left with 22 stitches in my lady bits and no video of Jeremy giving Whit his first bath, or a picture of me holding Whit for the first time.
During my meltdown, we decided to go back to the NICU one last time before heading home for the night. We walked into the room and the NICU nurse was in we introduced ourselves and she asked if one of us wanted to hold Whitman. I said let Jeremy. And Jeremy didn’t dare argue that logic. I remember the nurse and I moving the tubes and things around and Jeremy sitting in the chair. I remember how delicately he was placed in Jeremy’s arms and I remember this almost calm that had on his face. A weird relief. That maybe, just maybe, we’d make it through with minimum PTSD. We had been through so much in four days. Our lives weren’t anything that we had planned. I was working through a lot. Like how it’s the week of Thanksgiving and I wasn’t going to get to gorge like the big pregnant woman I dreamt of because Whit was here. I was working through the feeling of failure, I’m his mom and I couldn’t even take care of him the right away. I shouldn’t be this guy’s mom. I’m not qualified. He deserves so much better than me.
But at that moment though, when Jeremy was holding Whit the nurse said: “Mr. Althaus he can hear you talk to him.” Jeremy isn’t a man of words so I was expecting his usual: Hi and that was it. But in this deep confident voice, he said: “Hey I’m your dad. It’s not supposed to be like this. But we’re here. I love you. I don’t have any answers but your mom does. Ask her. Always ask her.”
I stood there sobbing which was my new persona those days. The nurse stood there sobbing too. Even though I felt like I failed Jeremy didn’t think so. Even though I was convinced that Whit would be better off with someone else Jeremy didn’t think so. NICU life is a lonely life. No one gets it until you’re there. There are so many roller coasters of emotions. Your sweet babe takes two steps forward three steps back. On days when I feel like I’m failing, I think of the day that Jeremy said ask your mom for the first time. Though today those words can drive me crazy I never take it for granted because there was a time when we weren’t sure that Whitman would be here. The NICU saved our baby and helped make him the thriving 6-year-old he is today. And for that I’m grateful.
Lindsey is a mom, wife, and blogger at The Althaus Life. She lives in Ohio with her husband and 2 children. Lindsey is grateful all things and to be able to chronicle her beautifully broken laugh til you cry cry until you laugh life.
