From sleeping through the night to nap routines, schedules and even self-soothing, there’s a lot to know about sleep.

There’s no shortage of information out there on the topic of getting your baby to sleep because, as you’ve probably already learned, being sleep-deprived is not fun. From sleeping through the night to nap routines, schedules and even self-soothing, there’s a lot to know about sleep when it comes to your babe. To help you wade through a bit of the confusion (and avoid that overwhelmed new parent feeling), here are a few of the most important do’s and don’ts of baby sleep, with help from Amanda Jewson, sleep consultant and founder of Baby’s Best Sleep.

P

seth-baur-via-flickr
Seth Baur via Flickr

Do: Let them sleep as much as they want for the first 3-4 months. Really.

When babies are newborns, their circadian rhythms aren’t fully developed. They sleep a LOT (around 16-20 hours a day!)—but in an irregular pattern. That means it’s pretty tough to get your baby on any kind of routine or schedule. “These initial months are a time of adjustment for your newborn as they’re still getting used to feeding and sleep patterns,” explains Jewson. But she stresses that there’s one time to be a little more diligent with even a wee newborn: If they have their days and nights mixed up. “You’ll want to correct that by waking from naps to feed and expose the baby to sunlight. Keep interactions overnight to a minimum and offer feeds quickly and in the dark when possible.”

So unless you’re dealing with day-night confusion, try to cut yourself a little slack and don’t obsess about sleep times and bedtime routines and all that just yet. Let your wee newborn sleep as much as they want, whenever they want, for the first 4 months or so.

Do: Set up a consistent place for them to sleep.

Once you and your baby are ready for a bit of a routine and schedule, setting up a consistent place for them to sleep is definitely key. Sure, it’s great to let them sleep on you while you’re watching TV or have them doze off while you’re out and about, but it’s not ideal once they get past that itty-bitty newborn phase and you establish a predictable routine. Having them go to sleep in the same place consistently will help them associate their sleep environment with bedtime—and you’ll all hopefully be getting the Z’s you need! Try setting up a room with a few safe sleep essentials essentials like a crib, blackout shades or blinds for a darkened room, and a white noise machine, and put them to bed there regularly for naps and at nighttime.

But don’t stress if this doesn’t totally work for your family. “I believe in the value of consistency, but I also appreciate the need for flexibility,” says Jewson. “For instance, you could aim for the first few naps to always be in the crib and then have some “on-the-go” naps later in the day to suit your lifestyle. Mostly, doing things that allow for the family to function is always preferred over a set routine or method. A problem is only a problem when it’s a problem for your family!”

Don’t: Keep them up late in order to try and get them to sleep in.

One thing you’ll hear a lot when the topic of baby sleep comes up is this: Sleep begets sleep. “Contrary to popular belief, keeping your baby up late doesn’t mean they’ll sleep in the next morning,” Jewson stresses. “Babies and young children have early circadian rhythms, meaning their bodies are ‘pre-programmed’ to wake early no matter when they go to bed.” So the later they go to bed, the less total sleep they’ll get—and getting an overtired baby to sleep is a challenge all in itself since their bodies can start to release cortisol, which makes it hard to settle. So heed our warning: If you keep your baby up late in hopes of a longer sleep-in, you’ll likely just end up with a sleepy and grumpy baby. Not fun for anyone.

scott-via-flickr
Photo: Scott via Flickr

Don’t: Ignore sleepy cues.

Over time, you’ll come to know your baby’s unique pattern of sleep cues, which present in two phases for newborns. “Look out for early sleep cues like a faraway stare, disinterest in play, or slower feeding,” Jewson explains. “Later tired cues like eye-rubbing, yawning, or fussiness may mean you’re past the point of having an easy sleep.” Once babies get older, the later cues become the ones to watch for. When you start noticing the things your baby does when they’re tired, try your best to get started on your naptime or bedtime routine as soon as possible. There’s nothing worse than missing a tired baby’s window and crossing into overtired territory.

Do: Develop a bedtime routine.

It may seem very minor, but wind-down time right before bed is crucial for little ones. “It serves as a signal to your baby that it’s time to wind down,” Jewson says. Your bedtime routine can be as simple as a bath, a cuddle, and a story, then off to sleep. Whatever you choose, keep it consistent so that your baby knows it’s time to relax and drift off to dreamland. The best part? “A bedtime routine is a simple and painless way to improve baby sleep immediately!”

Do: Use that routine at nap time, too.

Naps can be tricky because babies and kids seem to hate them, but parents love them—and everyone needs them! So, if there’s anything that can be done to help encourage your baby to nap, we’re all for it, and Jewson says that means incorporating a bit of your nighttime routine before naps. “At nap time, you can employ some elements from the bedtime routine, like reading a short story or dimming the lights, to establish the association with sleep and these pre-bed activities.” Anything they can associate with sleep will make it easier on you and your baby.

Don’t: Rush in the second your baby makes a little noise.

Babies tend to make a lot of noise when they sleep, but just because they’re fussing a little doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to get up. Even though it’s pretty much a burning instinct within us to pick our baby up as soon as she cries, Jewson says to wait. “Before rushing in to soothe a crying baby, I suggest waiting a few minutes to see if they’ll self-soothe.” That being said, it’s important to discern whether your baby is briefly fussy or actually distressed—and you can generally trust your intuition on this one. Trying your best to let them practice falling back asleep on their own is a great life skill that will serve you all well in the long run.

mother-elzambo51-via-pixabay
Photo: elzambo51 via pixabay 

Do: Whatever works for you.

You can try following every tip, trick, schedule and philosophy under the sun when it comes to sleep. In the end, you’ll find that whatever works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for you and your family because every child is unique. “The best approach suits your family’s needs and aligns with your child’s temperament,” Jewson explains. “Be flexible and willing to adapt your strategy as your child grows.” And don’t feel the need to fix other people’s problems—just the ones that make it hard for your family to function. “All the rest will come out in the wash!”

A morning routine for kids is easier to achieve than you might think

Even if you live in a house full of early birds, the chances of your morning running smoothly from waking up to getting out the door isn’t always guaranteed. Whether you need a refresher or are preparing for newly busy days, there are a few things you can do to create an easy morning routine for kids that will help prevent the wee hours from being a lesson in chaos.

1. Make sure the kids get enough sleep. Simple fact—kids who don’t get the right amount of sleep won’t be thrilled when the light pops on in the morning. Check out this handy chart from the Sleep Foundation to see how much shut-eye your little one needs on a nightly basis.

2. Prep backpacks the night before. Nothing beats the tried and true method of getting homework done and in the pack the night before. It means one less thing to do in the morning, and when everyone’s in high gear, it helps preserve the flow—and your sanity.

3. Wake up at the same time every day. Who isn’t tempted to hit the snooze button once (or twice)? The best morning people wake up at the same time every day, so your internal body clock knows when it’s time to rise and shine. Even if you love sleeping in on the weekends, your best chance for weekday morning success is rising at the same time every day.

4. Let the light shine in. Once the alarm goes off, open the window shades and welcome the morning sun. Our bodies wake faster in the light rather than in the dark. Have your kiddos open their blinds or curtains as soon as they wake up. If you’re awake before the sun comes up, hop out of bed and turn on the light.

5. Start with a power jam. There’s something inspirational about theme songs. Whether it’s their current fave or a classic like Eye of the Tiger, blast it at o-seven-early to rally the troops. Use the same song each day or make a playlist to rotate favorites throughout the week. Let’s get this a.m. party started!

Related: 13 Alarm Clocks to Kickstart Your Morning Routine

tween girl picking out clothes, a good thing to add to a morning routine for kids
iStock

 

6. Set out clothes the night before. The last thing you need in the morning is your kid spending an enormous amount of time choosing between polka dots and stripes. Add this task to your bedtime checklist, and you’ll save yourself the style struggle in the a.m.

7. Take up a collection. Every parent is familiar with those last-minute necessities that always slow kids down when you’re trying to shuffle them out the door. Shoes, jackets, backpacks… the items that often take a search party to locate. Collect them all in cubbies, baskets, bins, or lockers kept right by the door. They’ll be the last things the kids grab before it’s time to go to school.

8. Eat in the car. Seriously. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But it can be hard always getting something nutritious in, especially if your kiddo is slow to rise or doesn’t have time to finish their breakfast before the bus arrives. The solution? An on-the-go snack with lots of staying power.

9. Have a posted morning routine and schedule. Kiddos (and adults) work best if they know what’s expected of them. Post a morning routine for the kids on the refrigerator, or hang a chore chart on the kitchen wall. Even if the routine contains simple steps like making your bed, brushing your teeth, and washing your face, checking the chart and crossing off the items helps every family member know what’s expected of them and keeps the morning on track.

10. Make morning time electronics-free. We all know phones and televisions are distracting. Keeping the diversions to a minimum will help everyone stay focused on the tasks at hand and keep the morning focused on getting ready and out the door. And yes, parents, we’re talking about you too! Put the phone away until the morning hours have come and gone.

11. Recruit the kids. Have you ever noticed how younger kids seem to be in awe of the big kids? Use that to your advantage. Find a responsible older child to be your kid’s morning buddy and hire them to wait with your child at the bus or walk them to school in the morning. It means more time for you, and your kid will be delighted. Big kids for the win!

12. Give them five. A familiar concept from elementary classrooms, Give Me Five takes five simple tasks and associates each with a finger. It’s as easy as turning Thumbkin into the “get dressed” reminder and Mr. Pointer into “eat breakfast.“ By the time it’s Little Pinky’s turn, your mini-me should be ready to board the bus. Carry on with a high five after each completed task, and it’ll be smooth sailing for everyone!

Related: 22 Super Easy (& Nutritious) Breakfasts for Hectic Mornings

 

Insider tips to beat the crowds at your favorite grocery stores

Ah, grocery shopping: one of those necessary evils because hey—we all like to eat, right? It’s never easy piling the kids into the car, trying to remember if you need besides milk or bread as you wander the aisles… If only you knew when the best time to shop at the grocery store was. Well, we’ve got the answer for you!

Whether you’re all about Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Costco, Kroger or Aldi, we’ve got you covered for the best times to do your grocery shopping and save big. Get the scoop below.

Whole Foods

If you're looking to save money, Whole Foods Markets typically start their sales on Wednesdays. That means if you picked up a sale item on Monday, when you go back the following Thursday you may find it at a higher price. So take advantage of the deals when your local store has them.

When it comes to missing the rush, the best time to shop totally depends on where you live and your local store's traffic. City-based stores tend have the largest crowds at lunch-time. But suburban stores have a bigger rush in the evenings and on weekends.

If you REALLY want to beat the crowds, stay home. That is, stay home and order your groceries for delivery. Whole Foods Market is constantly expanding the list of cities that are delivery eligible.

Trader Joe's

Weekends at Trader Joe's: yes we know what it's like trying to get a prime parking space (or any space at all). Given that you probably already try to avoid TJ's on a hopping Sunday afternoon, when should you head out to get your fave fun frozen foods?

According to a store manager in a Reddit Ask Me Anything thread, Tuesday and Wednesday early mornings are the best times to shop at your local Trader Joe's.

Costco

When should you shop the mega warehouse store? That depends on where you live, but according to a Business Insider interview with Costco employees, definitely skip weekend shopping trips. These are the busiest times, making the stores the most crowded.

Even though the weekdays may equal a quicker shopping trip, there are better times than others. Evenings also tend to draw the largest crowds. In other words, weekday mornings or early afternoons are the best times to shop at Costco.

Kroger

Like Whole Foods, Kroger brand stores (including Baker's, King Soopers, Ralphs and Smith's), also start sales on Wednesdays. Kroger store employees typically stock the shelves late at night and in the early a.m. hours. That means you might want to consider shopping in the morning.

If you want to save even more, wait until Friday to shop. Kroger's free Friday download lets you download a coupon for one free item on Fridays only.

Aldi

Hmm. It looks like Wednesdays take the cake when it comes to new sales and new stuff.  Wednesdays are THE day for new items. It's also the day when the Aldi Finds section gets new additions and seasonal picks. That said, some stores don't stick to the Wednesday debut. Depending on where you live, new items may come out on Sundays.

 

Well, it looks like the best days to shop at your most-loved stores are…any day? While Wednesdays are big for savings and debuts, it all depends on where you live and when you absolutely need to shop. The milk won’t shop for itself––unless you’re doing grocery pickup.

 

From parenting hacks to tips to get us through the tough parenting days, TikTok delivers

You either love TikTok or you hate TikTok, but if you fall into the latter, hold up for just one second and hear us out. Yes, TikTok is sometimes questionable, but there are some real gems of wisdom and advice that we’ve seen on the video platform and have personally tried out—resulting in some rock-star parenting moves. So if you aren’t too sus of TikTok parenting advice, check out these tried-and-true favorites below.

Toys are overrated. Especially for toddlers.

@holly_at_home_

#greenscreenvideo just trying something different 😂 #momtok #playpen #dramaticplay #experiment #tryingsomethingnew #momhumor #jokes #parentinghack

♬ original sound – holly | motherhood

Sometimes all you need is water and a paintbrush for a moment of peace.

@nannyamies

Quick, simple and effective! I leannon this a lot! 😉✍🏻🙌🏻 #childcaretip #parentinghack #toddlerhack #children #imbored #childcare #toptips #parentsoftiktok #parents #mumlife

♬ In Da Club – Instrumental Hip Hop Beats Crew

Silence is more terrifying than screaming.

@deal_family

MASS CONFUSION AT THE END!🤣 #parenting #parentinghumor #parenting101

♬ sonido original – Isandrep oficial

 

Duct tape is all you need to bring some quiet into your home (for the toys, not the kids).

@nicolestorydent

I hear the songs of their toys in my sleep. Trust me voluming down is better for everyone. #momlife #millennialmom #parentinghumor #relatable #humor #toddlermom #momsover30 #toddlerlife #honestmomconfessions #badmomsclub #momtruths #parentinghack #momtok

♬ original sound – Nicole Story Dent

Finding “unicorn mom friends” is hard. SO hard.

@annaleegrace15

And they do exist!! So if you havent found yours yet, keep looking!! ❤️ #momlife #momsoftiktok #babiesoftiktok #toddlersoftiktok #marriedlife #husbandwife #momtok

♬ original sound – Annalee

Spontaneous cuddles are always a good idea. PS: This 100% works for big kids too.

@nubiabrownn

Best reaction ever. ❤️🥰 #cuddlechallenge#toddler#mifamilia

♬ original sound – James Blake

Finger hearts has given us a new way to say goodbye to our kids, all while spreading the love.

@yourkoreandad

Sorry about my messy hair, but hope this answers your great question @naruek_gui #yourkoreandad #fingerheart

♬ original sound – Nick Cho @YourKoreanDad

All parents lose their temper—even Molly Sims—and that’s okay.

@mollybsims

And it works like a charm🍷 cc: @The Variety Show, this is hilarious 😂

♬ original sound – mollybsims

This 30-second lesson in gratitude might change your life.

@davidchoe

I Get To > I Got To #gratitude #mindfulness

♬ Steven Universe – L.Dre

This grocery shopping cart hack is a genius move for those of us who have kids that are getting too big to lift.

@lauren.clutter

MOM HACK for the grocery cart! Thanks for the tip @shannonldoherty 🤯 #momhacks #momcontent #thetiktokmom #parentingtips #CanYouWorkIt

♬ original sound – LAUREN

Our kids eat cauliflower and don’t even know it thanks to this secret-ingredient smoothie recipe.

@kianatom

3 secret ingr for creamier healthier smoothies. Frozen cauliflower rice (low cal. very nutritious), frz banana & spinach. #smoothies #foryourpage #fyp

♬ original sound – kiana_tom_flexappeal

Growing avocado trees (and learning a bit about science) is our new jam thanks to all the plantspo on TikTok.

@its.all.green.to.me

What I mean when I say I grow Avocados 🥑 #avocado #avocadovers #avocadoseed #avocadosarmy #avocadoqueen

♬ Originalton – Hi

Two Words: Cheerios. Sand.

@ellethevirgo

🌞🐠🌴 #fyp #sensoryplay #upcycling

♬ Laxed – Jawsh 685

Having older kids really is leveling up so hang in there, toddler parents!

@jagarcia728

Their first time going inside without mom or dad to buy something 😂😂 #parenting #parentinghumor #parentingdoneright

♬ Cool Kids (our sped up version) – Echosmith

Additional reporting by Andie Huber

 

“She doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

We’ve certainly been there. As a mother of two young children, I’ve unfortunately had both of them make this sad declaration. Relational aggression in young children is a real thing, and it happens far earlier than I was prepared for. It forced us to have discussions about complex feelings and emotions much earlier than anticipated. As an adult, though, this doesn’t really happen, right? That’s what I thought until it happened to me.

I have a long history of great relationships with women, yet when it comes to my current circle of friends, it’s relatively small. Which, for me, is perfectly fine. I would much rather have a few, strong friendships than a huge circle of people I don’t truly love being around. Friendships change, shrink and expand—I get that, but I wasn’t necessarily prepared for a friend to leave me.

As I look back at some of my relationships, I see that many were situational. We were friends because we worked together, had a class together, the list goes on. Situational friendships are like the seasons, they come and go, but they can be just as wonderful as life-long ones.

When I first started teaching, the greatest blessing, besides our amazing principal, was the women I worked with. This was a group of strong, kick-ass humans who persisted daily to get stuff done. We were faced with a number of challenges but consistently greeted each day with a passion and joy that permeated the school. We were smart, beautiful, hard-working, and clearly committed to our job and each other. While I’m no longer teaching there, I’m still very much in contact with many of these women. I could call any one of them tomorrow and pick up right where we left off. Some of us, 15 years later, still exchange Christmas cards.

My friendships now are different. They really are no longer situational, in large part because my life is relatively permanent. I’m not working my way through college and I’m (thankfully) no longer in graduate school. I’m firmly planted. So, it was my assumption that one friendship, in particular, was ef for the long haul as well.

We were friends. We lived close to each other so getting together was a regular occurrence. We talked and laughed through playdates with our kids that lasted for hours. It was easy, and I could tell her just about anything. She was the next person, after my husband, to know I was pregnant with my second child. She called me when there was an emergency with one of her children. She called me to share cupcakes. There were so many things that signaled friendship permanence—kids’ ages, school, church, proximity. It just made sense that we’d always be friends.

I realized one day, somewhat out of the blue, that the calls to chat and texts to set up playdates were totally lopsided. It stopped me in my tracks. When it came to flexing the friendship muscle, I was the one doing all the heavy lifting. I felt a flush of embarrassment. Was I the only one interested in keeping this friendship alive? Should I say something? I tried to assure myself that I was imagining it all, so instead of an awkward, dramatic confrontation, I pulled back. I intentionally pulled back for about a week to see what happened. Nothing. I swallowed hard.

Her birthday came along and even though we had not talked or texted for a few weeks, I knew it was her birthday. It’s one thing if I forget, but to knowingly ignore someone’s birthday is something I just can’t do, so I sent her a birthday text along with birthday cake and celebration emojis. I felt a pang of embarrassment but knew it was the right thing to do. After that, the friendship went completely dark.

I spent some time during the weeks after rummaging through my memories trying to figure out what had happened. Was it something I did? Something I said? Was I not enough for her? Was I too much for her? The truth is, I will never know and thankfully I’m in a place now where I really don’t want to know. I don’t want to unearth something that I likely can’t do anything to fix, repair, or remedy. It’s over, and I have to be okay with that.

I know that I will never be everything to anyone and that may mean people will leave me. I guess I’d rather have a painful breakup than stay in a friendship that isn’t healthy. Especially if the other person doesn’t want to be friends anymore. If ending the friendship was best for her, then honestly, I am happy for her.

The thing is, though, when we were friends, we talked about exactly that. Doing what’s best for yourself no matter what. She was often stuck in situations she was unable to get out of because of the fear of upsetting those around her. I often encouraged her not to worry about what other people thought. “Do what’s best for you and your family. Even if other people don’t like it.”

So, maybe I should have seen this coming? Well, maybe not. Friendships come in and out of our lives for seasons and sometimes for reasons. While I enjoyed this friendship for the season, all I can hope for is that it existed for a reason.

Melanie Forstall is a full-time mother, full-time wife, full-time teacher, and never-enough-time blogger at Melanie Forstall: Stories of Life, Love, and Mothering. She holds a doctorate in education and yet those many years of schooling have proved to be utterly useless when it comes to actual mothering.

Costco’s exit greeters will even draw a happy face on your receipt if you’ve got kids in tow

Here’s something you’ve probably wondered at least once or twice: why does Costco check receipts? You just spent the last four hours shopping for bulk for all your bulk good needs and now that your cart is full and you’ve paid your due, the smiling exit greeter gives your receipt the once over. What’s the deal?

So it might seem like the Costco exit greeter and receipt checker is trying to catch you shoplifting. But that really isn’t so. Imagine trying to “sneak” a case of ramen noodles out. Not so easy, right?

Related: 17 “Secret” Costco Hacks & Membership Perks You Need to Know About

Instead, the exit greeter’s job is to actually save you money. They’re not looking at the receipt to make sure the gallon of ketchup filling your cart is actually listed on your receipt. Instead, they’re looking for duplicate charges, promotions the cashier may not have caught, or other similar errors. They’re also looking for products that you purchased but may not have received by way of a mis-scanned item or items held at checkout. In fact, Costco has been providing this service since they opened their first store in Seattle in 1983.

A recent Reddit thread illustrates this point completely. After one Reddit user asked, “How much is caught at the exit receipt check?” another responded, “I sometimes get the $100 for $80 gift cards and they always ask if I remembered those, since you have to go to the lock-up to pick up the gift cards after you pay.”

Before you give the exit greeter that sideways, “Hey, what are you really searching for?” look, remember—they’re here to help.

Related: 11 Ridiculous Things You Can Buy on Your Next Costco Run

 

It’s 7 a.m. on a school day, and I am dreading waking up my child. But of course, it must be done—so I tiptoe into his room and sit down on the side of his bed, allowing myself a moment before the day begins. He still looks like a little boy in these quiet moments—all rosy cheeks and tousled hair, his small body curled beneath a Lightning McQueen blanket, a raggedy stuffed dog flopped by his pillow.

I run my fingers softly through his hair and say, in my most gentle voice, “Good moooooorning, Alex*. Time to wake up.” And then, like always, my beloved nine-year-old son rolls his body away from me, his blue eyes shut tightly, and says, “SHUT UP.”

This is how our day begins.

This is me parenting my child with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, also known as ODD.

For those of you who don’t know, ODD is a diagnosis given to kids who exhibit “chronic aggression.” To outsiders, they’re the “mean kids.” The “tough kids.” The “spirited” kids. Clinically speaking, they’re the kids who often defy requests or rules, who deliberately annoy people, who blame others for their own bad behavior and who “may seem to feel most comfortable in the midst of a conflict,” according to this article.

For me, having a kid with ODD means that every walk to school is fraught with insults (toward me or his two younger siblings). It means every car ride ends with at least one child crying. It means every day I try my hardest to have patience but, inevitably, don’t. Because how can you not lose your cool when your nine-year-old just told his little brother that he “wished he wasn’t born”—all because he wouldn’t let him play with his yo-yo.

It means all the parenting techniques my well-wishing friends give me won’t help a child who doesn’t think like other children. It means I fail on a daily basis to make my child happy. It means (and this is the part that is the hardest to say out loud) that while I love my child with everything I’ve got—there are times when he’s hard to like.

“Living with a child who has these emotional issues can make life at home astonishingly challenging,” writes psychologist Seth Meyers in Psychology Today. “Daily life can feel relentlessly frustrating, chaotic and draining. At home, this child at, say, age 6, 10, 12, refuses almost all parental demands. They refuse to take a bath; they refuse to do homework; and they refuse to do chores.”

“Witnesses might understandably wonder, ‘How could you let your child talk like that?'” Meyers adds.The reality, however, for parents with this type of child is that they are trying to manage something that feels impossible.”

Much of the time, Alex operates like he’s a spring-loaded trap ready to snap. One tiny mishap may ignite a fire of emotions. One thing that doesn’t go his way can set off a spiral of bad behavior that is only undone by turning on the TV and letting him get lost in it. Yesterday, for instance, he slipped into a puddle after school and then spent the next 20 minutes calling us “idiots” and noncommittally bopping his brother and sister on the head like one those mean cats who swats at you every time you walk by and accidentally ruffle its fur.

The good news? It’s not all his fault. Brain scans of kids diagnosed with ODD suggest that they have subtle differences in the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, judgment and impulse control. And, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, these kids may have trouble identifying and interpreting social cues and, consequently, “tend to see hostile intent in neutral situations.”

“These kids aren’t trying to be ‘brats’ or kids who ‘rule their parents’ lives,'” said author Whitney Cummings in this Psych Central article. “They’re just trying to cope with what their brain has given them as a priority. They feel the need to control their environments in order to feel safe.”

For Alex, it started early. Reeeeeallly early.

I remember going in for a 3D ultrasound when I was just 12 weeks pregnant. The kid hadn’t even been born yet and—I kid you not—he spent the whole ultrasound session tirelessly hitting his tiny hands against my uterine wall as if he were trying to punch his way out. At the time, I found this strangely adorable: Awww, look! How cute! He’s a fighter! But now I think that maybe he was restless from the beginning.

When he was born, he was colicky. He fought sleep and baths. He screamed during car and stroller rides. He didn’t like being held. He nursed fitfully. Around five months old, the colic went away, and we had year or so of relative normalcy: He smiled. He stood. He said “Mama” and “Dada.”

We cheered on his firsts. We delighted in his giggles. We loved his spirit. And then, just before he started walking, he started having these weird spasms where his whole body would shake in bursts. I rushed him to a neurologist, fearing the worst. After a thorough exam, the very kind doctor told me that it was just Alex’s temper. He “just doesn’t like being a baby.” The doctor wished me luck. Because, of course, the spasms went away, but the temper didn’t.

We took him to multiple therapists. We had weekly sessions where he drew pictures of his feelings and we talked about what was happening at home. And while he clearly loved being with us for that one-on-one time, it didn’t change the fact that he argued through every moment of every day. Conflict was simply his resting state.

We considered that he might be on the spectrum. We wondered if he was anxious or depressed. I even Googled “sociopathic symptoms in children,” because, I insisted, surely there was something wrong. Kids aren’t supposed to be this hard. Eight-year-olds aren’t supposed to wish their mommies were dead—their hands pulling pretend triggers in the air—all because they aren’t allowed a Laffy Taffy before dinner.

When finally a diagnosis came, I wasn’t sure what to feel. I had wanted an easy answer, a quick fix. Instead, I got a label that doesn’t really do much except say, “Yep, your kid is mean… and I know you’re exhausted… but now you’re going to have to work really hard to make this better.”

Because if ODD isn’t addressed when kids are young, it can evolve into “conduct disorder,” which is where the big troubles really start (these kids do things like set fires and commit crimes). Thankfully, intensive therapy and parent coaching can help turn kids around before they get there.

It’s going to be a long road. But we’ll be there for him every step of the way because we love him. And when it comes down to it, all we want is for him to be happy.

One of our therapists told us once that our children choose us for a reason. I think about that a lot. I think maybe Alex chose us so he could teach us patience. Understanding. Unconditional love. I know that somewhere inside all that defiance is a little boy who needs us. Who loves us. Who wants to be good. We just have to help him get out.

*Not his real name

Originally published Dec 2021.

RELATED LINKS
To the Mom Parenting a Child with Aggression Issues
The Truth About Parenting a Child with Severe Anxiety
My Child with ADHD Needs Kinder—Not Tougher—Parenting

Mia is a freelance writer and mother of three. She writes about her journey parenting children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and other related conditions because she wants other parents to know they are NOT ALONE.

Amazon is famous for being the go-to place for everything. The online retailer already has plenty of programs that meet our household, grocery and personal needs, but hiding amongst the ordinary lie quite a few surprising and amazing products. Keep scrolling to see some of the most interesting and useful things to buy on Amazon that you might not have known were there.

A Tiny House

Amazon

Whether you're looking for a backyard retreat, in-law suite or a vacation home, you can find just what you need in the shape of a tiny home! With several sizes and styles to choose from, adding a mini mansion to your shopping cart has never been easier. For a cool $8,560, this Allwood Somersby Garden House can be all yours––free shipping included!

Live Ladybugs

Amazon

Kids love ladybugs? Or are you just trying to get your garden in check by ridding it of aphids and moths? Either way, Amazon sells live ladybugs and they are guaranteed to stay that way upon delivery! For just $6, you can snag 1,500 of these adorable bugs that are bound to make your kiddos and garden happy.

Joytutus Cup Holder Expander

Amazon

Tired of having your water bottle be slightly too big to fit in your car cupholder? The Joytutus Cup Holder Expander makes it so you don't have to worry about how big your water bottle is. Your put the expander in the cup holder, and any bottle will fit!

Guac-Lock

Amazon

There's nothing quite like the taste of fresh guacamole but you can't always eat an entire batch in one sitting. Luckily, the Guac-Lock is here to keep that pesky browning at bay. Pack the container, use the attachment to push up the base and squeeze out excess air and enjoy brown-free guac whenever you want.

Puff-N-Fluff

Amazon

Winter brings lots of smelly and cold doggies, but the Puff-N-Fluff makes drying a breeze. Just pop your pup in the suit and attach your hairdryer to the hose to give your furry friend the total spa treatment. The genius contraption is also great for dogs who are scared of hairdryers!

Amazon Home Installation

Amazon

Rather than vet out tons of house cleaners to get your home spick and span, just trust Amazon Home Services! The online marketplace offers home installation services, and it couldn't be easier to book. They have all sorts of services to meet your home installation needs.

Shower Foot Rest

Amazon

Shaving your legs in the shower always proves to be a dangerous fete, but no more! The Safe-er Grip Foot Rest simply suctions to your shower wall, providing that much-needed support when you don't have a built in ledge or stool. Who knew?

Gardening Claws

Amazon

Why bother with a hand shovel or trowel when you can just dig in with your own Gardening Claws? Your unruly weeds have met their match when you slip on a pair of these Marvel-esque gloves that guarantee a fit like a second skin and claws that don't dare fall off.

Snap N Strain Pot Strainer

Amazon

Holding a pot at the right angle so you pour your pasta and hot water into the right spot can be such a strain! This handy Snap N Strain Pot Strainer makes it much easier with no lost noodles in the process.

Tapi

Amazon

Make your own drinking fountain at home with the Tapi! The BPA-free rubber slip-on contraption slides over most taps and with a simple squeeze turns any faucet into an instant fountain! Cut down on last minute "I need water" requests and senseless dirty cups. No promises that this fun gadget won't become a water squirter!

The Gift of Nothing

Amazon

They said it, you listened. This thoughtful Gift of Nothing requires no extra wrapping and is perfect for friends and family who refuse to give you gift ideas.

Watermelon Cube Slicer

Amazon

Cutting watermelon will be a challenge no more with this Watermelon Cube Slicer! This tool is designed so you get the perfect cube every time and it's absolutely kid safe.

––Taylor Clifton & Karly Wood

 

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“Please don’t jump on the couch.”

“I told you not to jump on the couch.”

“STOP JUMPING ON THE COUCH! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU?!”

We set limits, and our children test them.

Conventional parenting advice says that it’s a children’s job to test our limits and that they’ll do this to find out how we’ll react. They want to find holes in our patience or our logic, and to check that we’re going to hold our limit. They are trying to establish a hierarchy of power in the relationship, and gain control of the situation.

And they are. If we view our relationship with our child as a zero-sum game, one person’s win has to be balanced by another person’s loss.  And if we aren’t the winner, then the alternative—that our child might have the upper hand—is too difficult to even imagine.

And if our goal is to make sure your children don’t get the upper hand, then we’ll always be in this struggle to make sure we’re on top.

We Feel Like We Need Control

At the root of these struggles is what feels like a need for control. And I say “feels like,” because any illusion that we have control over anything in our lives is exactly that: an illusion.

We feel like we control our schedules, our children’s activities, our finances. But if we think about it, actually very little of those things are under our control.  (Don’t think about it too long—it can be scary!)

Society tells us that it’s our job to be in control—we learned this from our parents (as well as school), and now we’re teaching it to our children by setting limits on their behavior.

But what if it didn’t have to be like this? What if we could not be in an antagonistic relationship with our children and also not have them constantly test us?

Most parents assume that the solution to children not listening (or deliberately ignoring) limits is, you guessed it, more limits. And stronger enforcement of limits. That when our children listen to us, we might be able to back off a little. Maybe.

The Solution Is Fewer Limits

Yes, I know it seems counterintuitive. If our children aren’t listening to us now, how could setting fewer limits possibly be the answer?

Because setting limits sets the tone of our relationship. And if our relationship is based on power, antagonism, and control, then our children will always try to get the upper hand. How could they not? They are learning from us that someone needs to have it, and the person who doesn’t have it gets walked all over, so they’d better at least give it a shot.

But if we set fewer limits, we set an entirely different tone.

A collaborative tone. A communicative tone. A tone that says: “Our relationship is the most important thing to me.”

So how do we set fewer limits without letting our kids walk all over us?

The key is to set limits that are grounded in your values. When you do this, your child hears in your voice that you’re serious. (You’ve noticed this before, right? When you say something that you believe in, and your child doesn’t protest?)

So you set limits on issues that are important to you—and the rest of them—you let go.

It’s not easy.

It’s a huge mindset shift, so I run a free workshop to help parents do it.

The strangest part about it all is that it doesn’t require us to get our children to do anything. We aren’t trying to change their behavior. We aren’t trying to control them, or win a battle over them. We’re finding a new way to be in a relationship with them that’s so much more peaceful and joyful and just plain fun!

And also, it’s easier than the other way. Because everyone could use some more easy in their life right now.

 

Feature photo: Pixel-Shot via Shutterstock

Jen Lumanlan fills the gaps in her parenting intuition through research, via a Master’s in Psychology (Child Development) and another in Education.  Her podcast, Your Parenting Mojo, provides rigorous yet accessible information on parenting and child development to help parents tame the overwhelm and raise resilient, thriving children.

Five years ago I became a teacher; five years ago I also became the mother to a son in heaven. On August 12th, 2016, I came home from my first new teacher workday. It was exhilarating and exciting, and for the first time in a long time, I knew I was exactly where I should be. I had no idea that a few short hours later, I’d find myself in the hospital in preterm labor with our first child. That same day, we lost our son Jaxon at only 21 weeks.

I found myself wondering how on earth I was going to go back into that classroom and teach a room full of 28 kids when I had just lost my own. Nevertheless, I did it only four short days later. And now, looking back, I know that that choice completely changed my life. I knew that was exactly where I was meant to be.

Fast forward to April 2, 2017, I found myself in the same space. In preterm labor, this time with twin boys. That day, we lost our boys Everett and Bryant. Again, nearly immediately after, I threw myself back into my work. Now here we were, struggling with what to do next. We wanted to be parents more than anything, and we knew we had so much love to give. So in January 2018, after 7 long months of bed rest, we welcomed our angel on earth, Maddox. And we were smitten.

Being a teacher is often a double-edged sword. You’re educated on child development just enough to be hypercritical of not only your work but also the work within your own home, with your own kids. Maddox was a spitfire from the day he was born. So independent, but so kind-hearted and eager to explore the world. I can also tell you down to the minute when I realized that something wasn’t right.

I was sitting in the viewing area at his very first swim lesson. I had convinced my husband to get in the pool with him (more like I lost at rock, paper, scissors), so I struck up a conversation with the mom sitting next to me. Her daughter was in Maddox’s class, and we had discovered that they were only a few days apart. Maddox nearly doubled her in size, but she had something Maddox didn’t; eye contact, pointing, talking to her mom, waving, blowing kisses. She had effortless interaction, and meaningful engagement. There we sat behind the glass, her receiving waves and kisses, and me desperately trying to have Maddox even look at me.

That’s when I knew.

We are blessed with the most incredible pediatrician, turned family friend, and within minutes of this realization, I had sent her a text message.

“I think Maddox has autism.”

Although no one around me was on board at the time, they supported me, and they listened, and I could never put into words how grateful I am for that.

The following month, Maddox turned 18 months old. We had speech evaluations, occupational therapy evaluations, and physical therapy evaluations. It was determined that my 18-month-old was currently communicating at the level of a 3-to-6-month-old. His repetition had also worried them to the point of needing weekly occupational therapy sessions, as well as speech.

The next few months were a blur, I never stopped. I googled, I tried finding Facebook groups, anything I could do to find even a glimmer of hope. And that’s where this journey of autism becomes lonely. Before this, I had no idea how broad this spectrum truly is. No two journeys are the same, and there is no one-size-fits-all description.

This past winter, we had Maddox’s first preschool evaluation to have his IEP written. Even though I had gone through the diagnosis and all the therapies, and all of the sleepless nights I spent worrying, this was the hardest for me.

For the first time, I was on the other side of the table.

I suddenly found myself trying to flip the switch from teacher to mom. I wasn’t advocating for accommodations for my students anymore, I was doing it for my own child. And although I had always had the greatest empathy for the parents of my IEP students, this was different. Now, we had something even greater in common. In that moment, I came to understand them better than ever. I understood why they were so passionate, sometimes to a fault, about making their child’s educational experience the best it could possibly be.

I can’t tell you how scary it is to send your 3-year old into a building with adults that you don’t know and who don’t know you. But I can tell you that it’s even scarier when your child can’t talk to you about their day, and they can’t communicate with you in the same way that typically occurs at their age.

Maddox’s diagnosis may have turned our world upside down, but now we fight every single day to turn the world right-side-up for him.

And although I had grown used to being the teacher at that table, I was now fighting to become comfortable and aware of my new place, on the other side of the table.

 

This post originally appeared on Finding Cooper’s Voice.

My name is Jordan Lamping and I am the mother of an amazing three year old son named Maddox, who was diagnosed with autism just over a year ago. I'm also a teacher, and the creator of The Other Side of the Table blog.