ML Interest Tag: unsolicited-advice

9 Tips for Baby’s First Holiday Season, From a Mom of Six

by Suzanna Logan

A seasoned mom shares all the best ways to navigate the festive season with a wee one

They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year—and it is!—but even at the best of times the holidays can be a tad stressful, from travel logistics and finding the right gifts for everyone on your list to those less-than-subtle comments from relatives. Now throw a newborn into the mix and suddenly the season has an entirely new sense of magic, plus a fresh set of challenges as you navigate ever-changing sleep schedules, seasonal viruses, and an overwhelming number of commitments. As a mom of six, I’ve journeyed through my share of holidays with a new baby in tow (my third was born one week to the day before Christmas, and I really wish I’d had this list back then). Drawing from personal experience and expert advice, here are some tried-and-true tips for helping a new mom survive (or even thrive!) this holiday season.

1. In Good Health

No matter the season, keeping your babe healthy is always priority number one, but it’s especially important to be on guard with a newborn during the holidays. Baby’s immature immune system, large crowds gathering indoors, and the circulation of respiratory viruses make for the perfect storm. Dr. Priya Thomas, founder of Mindful Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine and mom of three, explains the risk. “An adult who just has a cold can pass along RSV, which can become severe in young babies.” Her advice is to steer clear of the crowds, practice proper hand-washing, and ask others to do the same before holding your infant. “Parents should feel empowered in this area, as it’s a matter of the health of the newborn,” says Thomas. But she is quick to remind us that that doesn’t mean new parents need to skip all the fun with friends and family. “This is the time to be creative. You don’t have to miss out on the holiday cheer, just avoid the large holiday parties and opt for a more intimate gathering in your home,” she suggests.

Related: 3 Ways to Protect Your Baby From Respiratory Viruses, According to a Nurse

2. Respond Right

As you spend more time with family and friends in the coming weeks, expect a flurry of questions and offers of unsolicited advice. (Take it from me, this time of year they’re as reliable as busy stores and even busier parking lots.) For example, if your little one’s sleep schedule coincides with a family event, you might hear remarks like, “We never cared about schedules in my day.” While these comments are often well-intended, they may not be helpful, especially when tender, postpartum emotions are swirling. To ease the pressure of responding in the moment, prepare a general response ahead of time, such as “We’re doing what we think is best for our baby.” Give your response with confidence and a smile, then gracefully transition the conversation to a more enjoyable topic. And, if tensions escalate still, take some advice from Theresa Gray, founder of Blooms of Grace Counseling. “If you’re noticing that you’re starting to feel anxious, angry or stressed, it’s okay to step away for a moment,” she shares. “Take deep breaths that fill your belly and relax your jaw and visualize a peaceful scene or memory.”

3. Baby Yourself

This time of year is all about giving, so go ahead and give yourself the gift of a break. “Self-care is often thought of as things like hot baths, mani-pedis, and shopping trips with friends, but those aren’t really the things that recharge us,” explains Gray. “Instead, self-care during this busy and highly sociable season might be to get up before the baby to prepare yourself and your heart for the day.” She continues: “It should include spending intentional time with your spouse or close friends and asking for help and communicating the needs and desires you have.”

a toddler sleeping on their tummy for a story about when babies can sleep on their stomach
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4. Respect the Nap… Or Don’t

With all of the added festivities, the holidays are notorious for throwing off routines. As the parent, you get to decide whether to toss your schedule to the wind or politely decline any events that may mess it up. In my early years of motherhood, I took the respect-the-nap-at-all-costs approach. Although I missed out on certain events, I enjoyed the outings I did take because I had a happy, rested sidekick. Now, six kiddos in, we tend to let baby nap on the go, and she generally thrives in the spontaneity. In the end, how much to alter your baby’s schedule over the holidays is up to you and the kind of kid you have. “There is wisdom in keeping to a schedule, as there is a physiological need for that, but some flexibility is good, too,” says Thomas. “I am all about being mindful of what works for your family.”

5. Layer Up

The weather outside can be frightful this time of year, so it’s especially important to dress your little one so that they’re warm and comfortable. Because infants aren’t able to regulate their body temperature yet, they can lose heat four times faster than adults—though that’s not a reason to keep them indoors, no matter how many times your grandma warns about catching your death of cold. “Your baby is not going to get sick from exposure to the cold, but do be mindful of low temperatures and proper clothing,” advises Dr. Thomas. Layering is the key to ensuring your tot doesn’t get too cold or too hot. The rule of thumb: Dress them in the same amount of clothing you’d wear yourself, then add a layer. Also, be sure little’s outfit includes a hat, as the head and face are where babies lose heat the quickest.

6. Travel Smart

If you’re hitting the road this year, it can be helpful to plan your drive around baby’s nap time or bedtime to help you travel in peace. If they’ll be awake for the drive, schedule in lots of stops for feeding and cuddling. If your babe is prone to fussiness in the car, consider a genius travel companion like this: the Baby Shusher. It has consistently calmed our crankiest car-bound babies (and also soothed their hyperventilating parents) for years. Another option is the Hatch portable sound machine, or just turn up the tunes. “Santa Baby,” anyone?

Related: 11 Do’s and Don’ts of Your Baby’s First Holiday Season

7. Toy Time

Now that you’re a parent, it’s time we break it to you: for the next decade, the holidays will be virtually synonymous with toys. So many toys. If you have family eager to load baby up with gifts, my seasoned-mom advice is to skip anything with batteries (a.k.a. noisemakers) and keep it simple. For young babies, an activity mat is a great choice, suggests Thomas. “You can do tummy time on the mat with a newborn even just for a few minutes,” she says. “Look for one with a mirror and different contrasting colorings and textures, things they can touch and feel or make sound.” For older babies, my go-to’s are wooden blocks, hand puppets, and board books, each of which develops their motor skills or fosters imagination and emotional connection.

a mom cuddling a bundled up baby during baby's first Christmas
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8. Slow Down

During the holidays, we often feel the pressure of doing more, but this is your permission to slow down. Replace the holiday “ho-ho-ho” with “no-no-no.” “Self-care sometimes means saying ‘no,’” Theresa explains. “You don’t have to do everything and be everywhere. Choose the things that prioritize the health of your family and the reason for the season.” (Read that again if people-pleasing is your kryptonite.) Letting the hustle and bustle of the holidays pass while you soak up the simple pleasures—quietly snuggling up on the couch with your favorite festive bevy and your tiny little elf—may be the best thing you add to your schedule this season.

9. Nobody’s Perfect

Sometimes, the most precious moments are the least perfect. It took me a long time to learn this. For years, I aspired to have the perfect Christmas tree (you know the one, straight from a Pottery Barn catalog), but with so many curious little hands moving things around, I’d have to rush to secretly redo the ornaments each night after bedtime. Now, looking back, I realize that I missed the magic in pursuit of perfection. Learn from my loss and let go of the idea that there is an “ideal” Christmas or Hannukah card, photo, or party. Instead, be present with your baby and enjoy the moment, no matter how imperfectly (or downright messily!) it unfolds.

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21 Everyday Victories New Parents Should Celebrate

by Eva Ingvarson Cerise

Celebrate these new parent milestones with a few laughs (and maybe a box of tissues on hand)

The big baby milestones—first word! first steps! first smile!—are amazing and worth the wait. But they’re just one-half of the milestones new parents can all relate to. In fact, there’s a lot more for new parents to celebrate. As far as we’re concerned, new parent firsts deserve some recognition too. Not only are they a good reminder that you’re not in this alone, they also help us see how far we’ve all come. Appreciating small parenting wins and everyday victories like these will give you a much-needed boost in energy and confidence.

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1. You left your home in clean clothes and even styled your hair. No spit-up, pajama pants, or messy mom bun about it. Nothing but the dark circles under your eyes to give away how you usually look post-baby.

2. “Thanks, but I’ll handle this my way.” You can practically hear the applause in your head when you shut down someone giving you unsolicited advice about your baby. Sorry, mother-in-law or nosy stranger on the street, but this mom knows what she's doing.

3. The first time you figure out how to fasten your baby carrier and place your child securely inside it, you feel like you can handle anything parenting throws at you.

4. You see a new mom struggling with getting her stroller through a door or with fresh spit-up on her shirt, and you step in and know exactly how to help. Her grateful “thank you” reminds you that you’re in an amazing community of new parents who are looking out for one another.

5. That first glass of wine. Or sushi. Or soft cheese. All those things you gave up when you were pregnant and couldn’t wait to welcome back into your life.

6. Your child slept through the night! Sure, you woke up repeatedly to make sure they were breathing and worried something was wrong (and if you’re breastfeeding, your boobs are rock-hard), but you slept! You look and feel like a million bucks thanks to that sweet, uninterrupted rest.

7. Your first mom friend is a game-changer. With babies the same age, you have a ton to talk about, and you’re so excited to have someone to text with at 5 a.m. when nobody else is up.

Related: Advice to New Moms from Moms Who Have Been There

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8. When your child makes a face or a noise and you’re on it. You know exactly whether your baby is tired, hungry, cold, or needs a diaper change. Any parent who has held up a crying baby and wailed “What do you want?” knows exactly how big this victory is.

9. That first baby giggle is the best sound in the world. After months of making silly faces and noises to a somber newborn audience, getting definitive proof that your baby thinks you’re funny is a total ego boost. You'll spend the next few days trying to get more laughs.

10. Having an uninterrupted talk, by phone, FaceTime, or in person, with a good friend. Consider it a bonus victory if you talked about something other than your baby.

11. You’ve found a daily routine that works for you and, more importantly, for your little one. After weeks of winging it with a newborn, a schedule means you can plan when you’ll be able to shower and drink a hot coffee each day, and that is gold.

12. You transferred your sleeping baby from the car seat to the crib without waking them up. And then you nearly woke them up by doing a victory dance next to their crib.

13. Your first date night. Even if that date is just picking up takeout and heading home, you and your partner have left the baby and your home and spent time together again. You’ve missed that time. So do yourselves a favor and talk about something other than the baby while you’re out. And no sharing baby pics either.

14. The first time you change a diaper or breastfeed away from home can be nerve-racking. You’ve dreaded it, you’ve avoided it, but when the time comes, you and your baby get through it like champs. Here’s to getting more comfortable going out with your baby!

15. You’re shopping at a place with designated new-parent parking spots, and there’s an open space. Step aside for this new parent VIP!

Related: 21 Things You'll Think as a New Mom

mom, dad, child and dog smiling with balloons first birthday party venue
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16. You wake up on your own. No baby alarm clock. No actual alarm clock either. Just you blissfully opening your eyes when you’re ready to wake up. And that’s what it feels like to be refreshed and ready to face the day. You'd forgotten that feeling, right?

17. You show up on time to an appointment, a playdate, a visit with your family. Not on “parent time,” but actually on time. It’s a miracle. Enjoy it because who knows when that will happen again.

18. Your first time going someplace without the baby. Why do you feel so much lighter? Oh right, because you’re just carrying your wallet, keys, and phone, not a million things your baby might need.

19. When another parent asks you for advice, it can make you feel like an MVP. Whether they’re wondering about your favorite stroller or how you settle your baby down for a nap so quickly, giving another parent advice is a total confidence booster.

20. That first monster blowout is a rite of passage for new parents. Everybody has a horror story, and they’re all equally gross and hilarious. We'll spare you any more details.

21. When you’re cuddling with your baby and hear a contented sigh. That’s your baby, and nobody else in the world can comfort them like you can. Yes, the days are long and the years are short, but these moments are magic.

Related: Hang in There: 25 Things New Moms Need to Hear

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How Marie Kondo Almost Ruined My Marriage

By Jenny Jurica

OK, that’s an exaggeration…she didn’t really almost ruin my marriage, but she did make me very twitchy and short-tempered with my husband for a few weeks.

It started out innocently enough: One morning, my perennially messy husband began bemoaning the state of his dresser, as he tried in vain to locate an undershirt without pit stains or holes in it from within a tangled wad of old t-shirts.

“You should read that tidying up book,” I said sarcastically. To which my husband replied, “What are you talking about?”

After I explained the basic premise of Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up” which was so hugely popular a few years back, I noticed a foreboding twinkle in my husband’s eye. Next thing I knew, he’d downloaded the audiobook and was listening to it every morning as he got ready for work.

His obsession began slowly, presenting itself in his innocent yet sweeping suggestions of how Kondo would handle my ongoing fight against the after-school clutter that my children amass—with graded papers spilling out over the dining room table and squished school snacks littering the bottoms of backpacks. At first, it was kind of endearing that he was noticing what I struggle with on a daily basis and offering sympathy and advice (albeit unsolicited advice).

Then, a week or so later, my husband quietly observed me tussling with our Tupperware cabinet. As I tried to find just the right storage container with matching lid for leftovers, he said, “Have you ever considered holding each of those storage containers in your hand and asking yourself, ‘Does this bring me joy?’” This was the first of many times in the coming weeks that my eyes rolled violently back in my head and I cursed the day that I ever uttered the words “Marie Kondo” to my oblivious husband.

But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the day that he suggested that “we” (meaning I) change the way that “we” (I) fold our laundry to better facilitate the ease with which we can find what we’re looking for in our dresser. I’d had enough.

You see, I’m the laundress (if you will) in our house. I’m the one who pre-treats stains, washes, dries, folds and hangs our laundry. It’s a job that I actually (mostly) enjoy—I find it meditative to quietly fold clothes and I enjoy the scent of fresh laundry—call me crazy. Also, I have it down to a science. I have a certain way that I do things. Certain days I launder bed linens and towels. Certain ways I sort delicates from denim and certain ways I fold t-shirts, socks and towels. Don’t question my madness and please don’t accuse me of proliferating a 1950s housewife stereotype because I’ve already done all of this myself. But this is what works for our family. And so it is.

So, you can imagine the offense that I took when my husband, who has maybe used the washing machine once in our marriage—and, in spite of holding a degree in technology, still seems wholly unable to figure out how it works—suggested that I was doing the laundry wrong. That’s when my head just about exploded. But I humored him and let him earnestly teach me the “roll technique,” while fully planning to go about folding the clothes my own damn way as soon as he’d left the room.

But then, something unexpected happened: I started working at perfecting “the roll” and I figured it out. I began to see the value in it. I found that I was easily able to fit more shirts in our drawers and was able to find just the shirt that I needed without upending the whole drawer in the process. Rather quickly and unexpectedly, Kondo’s method of rolling t-shirts turned our drawers into organized, easily navigable laundry holders. Maybe Kondo—and my husband—were onto something here… grumble, grumble.

As the weeks passed, the verve with which my husband initially embraced the “KonMari” lifest‌yle began to wane. While he has steadily kept up the momentum of many of the ideas and organizational tips that the author explains in her book, he has let go of some of the more rigid habits (for instance, he’s finally stopped uttering the words, “Does that bring you joy?” and I’m forever grateful because that was annoying as all hell).

And I’ve actually continued to implement the roll method of laundry folding. I think it’s safe to say that I am not only a believer now, but also a proponent of the whole idea (but don’t tell my husband this).  Another good thing to come from this journey is that now my husband often helps me fold laundry, so that’s an improvement in our previous division of the laundry labor.

All in all, I like the ideas that Kondo presents in her book. Nothing that she writes is particularly earth-shattering, but she does offer a fresh perspective on organization. What challenged me most was my husband reading one book on organization and thereby declaring himself the resident expert on de-cluttering and laundry. Ultimately, though, the KonMari method effected change in our home and I think that my husband has a new appreciation for what I do on a daily basis to keep our home functioning. Also, I’ve learned to be more judicious with my self-help book suggestions from now on. Be careful for you wish for…

Originally published May 2017.

RELATED LINKS
My House Is a Disaster & I Couldn’t Love It More
How to Clear the Clutter from Your Kids’ Rooms for Good
Dear Husband: I Need More Help from You

I'm Jenny, a married, sober mother to two kids and a whole gaggle of pets. I've lived in Texas my whole life and am the by-product of two dyed-in-the-wool Southern families. As a result, I can write a phenomenal, heart-felt thank you note and never wear white shoes after Labor Day.

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Ashley Graham Just Had Twins & We Are in Full Mom-Crush Mode

by Tinybeans Team

If you thought you’d never have anything in common with a supermodel, you were wrong. Ashley Graham confirmed her second pregnancy in July 2021—a little over a year after welcoming her first child—and now, Graham and husband Justin Ervin are a proud family of five!

Twin boys—whose names have yet to be released—joined big brother Isaac Ervin on Jan. 7 during a home delivery after Graham shared in a Jan. 6 TikTok video that she “was supposed to give birth 5 days ago.” Throughout her pregnancy, she posted about her birth plan, cravings and even stretch marks.

Known for keeping it real, this wasn’t the first time she’s used her status to draw attention to unrealistic expectations put on women after pregnancy. “I think the postpartum snapback is really B.S.,” Graham said. “I think it’s an unattainable reality for most women and it’s been an unattainable reality for myself.” Girl, preach.

And if you didn’t already love this supermodel for focusing on body positivity and blasting unrealistic expectations on new moms, you can start braiding your friendship bracelet now. She offered up advice to the universe on how to interact with pregnant and new moms in an interview with E! News, “You feel bombarded by unsolicited advice a bit, so I think the best thing to do when talking to anyone who’s pregnant or has just had a baby is, like, make sure they want the advice before you give it.”

You likely didn’t know that this supermodel is who we all wish would move in next door—we didn’t! Graham is exactly the type of girlfriend we all need to navigate the confusing but precious days of pregnancy and early motherhood.

Congrats and welcome to the world, sweet baby!

––Shelley Massey

Featured image: Gregg DeGuire/FilmMagic

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4 Surprising Pregnancy Nutrition Tips, According to a Dietitian

By Lauren Manaker, MS, RD

When a person finds out that they are expecting, the unsolicited advice starts pouring in. From your great aunt telling you to avoid pineapple to the ever-wise “Dr. Google” advising you to drink some crazy expensive tea every day, the tips that you receive when you are eating for two can make your head spin.

As a prenatal-focused registered dietitian, I have heard some questionable nutrition suggestions floating around the internet—and some tips can even be harmful to a mama-to-be. And while there is no one-size-fits-all dietary approach that will fit every single pregnant person’s needs, there are some general tips that every growing bump should focus on to help keep the growing baby healthy.

Besides the general “eat a balanced diet” and “eat folate-rich foods”, here are four pregnancy nutrition tips that can easily be incorporated into any baby-friendly diet that I tend to recommend over and over again to my clients.

1. Include at Least 450 mg of Choline in Your Diet Per Day
When a person focuses on prenatal nutrition, they know that they need to eat a nutrient-rich diet rich in fruits, veggies, and other healthful choices. And while nutrients like folic acid and DHA are very important for a baby’s development, there is one nutrient that doesn’t get nearly as much attention as it deserves, and as such, is severely under-consumed.

Choline is a nutrient that is linked to some amazing pregnancy outcomes, including reduced risk of having a baby with a birth defect and increased likelihood of having a baby with faster information processing speed.

And in one study, researchers showed that higher choline intake during pregnancy is associated with modestly better child visual memory and attention span once the child becomes 7 years of age. Yet, despite how important this nutrient is, only about 10% of Americans ad 8% of pregnant women currently meet their requirements for choline intake.

And although experts recommend that pregnant people consume 450 mg of choline per day, many prenatal vitamins either don’t provide any choline or only provide a small amount of this nutrient. In fact, a study evaluating the top 25 prenatal vitamins found that no prenatal vitamin contained the daily recommended choline intake for a pregnant woman (450 mg), and over half contained none at all.

For this reason, I always recommend that people who are in the market for a prenatal vitamin choose one that contains close to the recommended 450 mg of choline per serving. One of my favs is BeliWomen, which contains a whopping 400 mg of choline.

And along with taking the right prenatal vitamin, focusing on foods that naturally contain choline like egg yolks, cauliflower, and peanuts is something that pregnant people should focus on every single day.

2. Skip Pre-Cut Fruit, but Don’t Skip Fruit Altogether
Fruit is absolutely a healthy addition to a pregnancy diet. Loaded with important vitamins, minerals, and fiber, fruit is a naturally sweet way to get quality nutrition in a delicious way.

But pre-cut fruit can be contaminated by bacteria—specifically listeria—which can make a pregnant person extremely ill. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, pregnant people are about 10 times more likely to get listeriosis than other healthy adults.

When you are pregnant, steer clear of pre-cut fruit sold at grocery stores or offered on salad bars. Your best bet is to choose whole fruit and cut it up yourself.

3. Eat Low-Mercury Seafood Two Times a Week
Here’s a startling statistic: Children whose mothers eat seafood during pregnancy may gain an average of 7.7 IQ points compared to those whose mothers do not eat seafood. Plus, eating fish and shellfish fuels mom with high-quality protein, healthy fats, and key vitamins that are needed to support the baby’s brain and eye development.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends pregnant people eat fish weekly, with sustainably caught or raised fish and shellfish offering the best choices. So, as long as you are sticking to choices like salmon, shrimp, and trout, making a point of eating seafood while you are eating for two will serve your baby well.

4. Skip the Booze
No explanation needed here. While some experts suggest that enjoying a glass of wine once in a while is a-ok, other data suggests otherwise. But since there is no data (that I am aware of) that shows a benefit to drinking alcohol during pregnancy, I suggest leaning on mocktails for the next 9 months.

Having a Healthy Pregnancy with Proper Nutrition
Eating to support your pregnancy is simple with a little effort and know-how. And while there are some dietary sacrifices expecting parents need to make—like skipping the martinis—it is well worth it knowing that you will be setting your baby up for the best start in life. And along with the typical tips of taking in enough folic acid, making sure you are consuming enough choline via your diet or the right prenatal supplement, skipping pre-cut produce, eating low-mercury fish twice a week, and foregoing alcohol can help you have the healthiest journey to parenthood for yourself and for your future bundle of joy.

Lauren Manaker, MS, RD
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Lauren Manaker is an award-winning registered dietitian, lactation counselor and author. Lauren's work has been featured in numerous publications and demostrates her committment to sharing evidence-based nutrition guidance that simplifies healthy eating. When she is not writing, Lauren can be found boating with her husband, daughter and rescue pup on the waters of Charleston, SC.

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Ah, Unwanted Advice

By Catherine Myman Kaplan

Photo: Catherine Myman Kaplan

Ah unwanted but good intentioned advice, the bane of every parents’ existence. From the family member who lets you know that in her day children were much better behaved than they are now to the random parent at the park who launches into the evils of prepackaged food when he notices you hand your child a snack, everyone seems to know how to parent your child better. 

It is challenging enough to navigate the ups and downs of parenting without feeling like you’re not only doing your child some irreparable harm by letting them start school without taking a first day photo next to a customized chalkboard or nagging them to just brush their teeth for the love of everything holy without somehow disappointing the well-meaning stranger on the airplane. 

Sometimes it takes every bit of will-power not to offer a snarky response or to growl that you are doing the very best you can. And in the end, that is all any of can do. The very best we can. No matter what the lady at the grocery store thinks.

Catherine Myman Kaplan
Tinybeans Voices Contributor

Catherine lives with her husband, two daughters, and rescue dog. She can usually be found reading, compulsively volunteering at her daughters' schools, or glaring at an ever growing mountain of laundry. 

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Fool-Proof Phrases to Deflect Unwanted Baby Advice

By Lisa Aihara

Among the other secret hidden joys of parenting like explosive poops and… well, pretty much all the poops, no one warned me of the advice hurricane coming inbound as soon as my egg has been fertilized. No joke, in the few months between announcing my pregnancy and the baby’s arrival, I heard alllllll the cliché advice, phrases, and jokes a thousand times over.

I imagine it’s the same feeling someone has towards a joke about their name (“Oh man, haven’t heard THAT ONE before Jim!”), or the marriage advice you started hearing when you got engaged (“Wait, so just to be clear, should I go to bed angry or NOT go to bed angry?”) And trust me, it doesn’t end with the pregnancy because, at every stage of development or ailment of the day for your little bug, there is a lady at the grocery store coaching you on what to do.

Over the years, I got pretty tired of smiling politely and nodding while grinding your teeth down to a powder, so I began to amass a list of fun conversation killer responses—which means you don’t have to listen to another second of that unsolicited advice.

And to be fair, yes, sometimes the advice that you get is actually just small talk because that person actually doesn’t care about your baby (spoiler alert: no one really does, not really, but that’s another post). With that said, these phrases are a nice way to put both of you out of your misery so you could just get back to gossiping about a mutual acquaintance instead, guilt-free.

Respond: “Oh, is that what you did with your kids?”

This is especially effective for your coworker Stacy who you know doesn’t have kids but has the expertise and confidence of an incompetent regional manager. The conversation might then play out like this:

Stacy: “Oh no, I don’t have kids remember!” You: “Oh that’s right…”

Don’t let the silent moment scare you, just let that last bit trail off. The beauty of this is, Stacy likely won’t get the joke even after all of this, but your coworker who happened to be getting coffee at the same time will be trying super hard not to start laughing, at which point you can catch her glance and talk about Stacy over lunch later. It’s a phrase that keeps on giving.

Respond: “That’s so interesting, I JUST read a study that found the exact opposite! I guess we just gonna see what sticks, huh?” 

Confidence is key with this one, and just say it as matter-of-factly as you can, no judgment on the statistic or best practice or whatever that the other person cited. The thing is, most likely there has been a study done, and even if there hasn’t been they’re not gonna know, they’re just filling the moment with jibberish anyway. This is especially nice for the aunties at a family gathering because you don’t want to be mean to them, they’re just being nice and mean well, but you also want them to know there is more than one right way to do things. No matter what they believe.

Respond: “Do you think so? Only if they could talk!”

I want you to do me a favor and start a note on your phone where you tally the number of times someone tells you they think your baby is cold. It’s of course pretty rampant in the winter, but I kid you not someone asked me if I thought the baby was cold in July when he was red and sweaty because he wasn’t wearing socks (which he pulled off, mind you, because surprise, he was hot). These statements are especially annoying since they’re usually a pretty captain obvious kind of observation. So hold yourself back from screaming “Wow do you really think that I, the parent, the only person besides my partner in this whole entire world who actually cares about my child, haven’t thought of that? Thank you so much for bringing that to my attention!” and just ham it up. But don’t worry, I see you, and I thought the same thing too. It’ll be our secret.

This phrase especially comes in handy if you’re holding the baby because you can use the baby as a prop and ask her the question as a show to lighten the mood. If you’re lucky she’ll do something funny like foam at the mouth or something which gets the people going every time, and the conversation has been diverted.

Respond: “You know, we’re just lucky to have him here and healthy so we really can’t ask for or have thought about anything more than that.”

This usually shuts them up pretty quick too because like, it’s true, and what is anyone supposed to say to that without being a royal jerk. This response is effective for all the seemingly innocent but pretty judgmental generalizations and assumptions people make about things like gender preference or timing of arrival, or just to get you out of discussing topics you just don’t want to like names you may have picked out or whether you’ll breastfeed. Some people don’t mind sharing these details and that’s totally okay too, but having a way to get you out of things you don’t feel comfortable talking about is a fantastic tool to have in your belt.

Practice these in your most innocent delivery, and enjoy the silence that ensues.

Lisa Aihara is a writer and artist based in Los Angeles. When she's not busy keeping her toddler alive, she's growing another human and has no time for any BS. For an honest, practical take on motherhood, relationships, and just life's struggles through comics and stories, follow her on Instagram and her Blog.

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10 Things Every Mom Learns in Baby’s First Year 

by Suzanna Logan

As a new mom, the first 12 months of baby’s life are a time of intense closeness. You’re connecting to another human being on a level you never knew possible. But you’re not just getting to know baby better. During those first 8,765.82 hours of your little one’s life, you will also see yourself, your partner and even the world in a whole new light. Read on for a few of the relatable discoveries every mom makes during baby’s first year. 

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

photo: Mikael Stenberg via Unsplash

1. You are capable of more than you ever thought possible.
Nothing tests the limits of your body and mind more than bringing a new baby into the world and experiencing his or her first year of life. Physically, you have been stretched to the max, as you’ve slept in one-hour increments and conquered the challenge of doing daily life with a 15-pound human on your hip. Mentally, at times your mind has felt like it’s spinning out of control as the “what ifs” swirl (What if I’m doing this all wrong? What if I’m not a good mom?).Then, at other times, it kicks those worries to the curb, reminding you of just how strong and amazing you are—mind, body and soul. 

2. Everyone is a baby expert.
If baby’s first year was an Oprah show, it would feel something like this: You get an opinion! And you get an opinion! Everyone gets an opinion! Seasoned moms and those without kids come out of the woodwork to give unsolicited advice to new moms. After baby’s first year, you know to take it for what it’s worth—a (hopefully!) well-intentioned suggestion, not law.

3. Moms need nap times, too.
We all know that nap time is essential for a happy, healthy baby. But moms know that it’s no less important for baby’s #1 caretaker. (Now, if only we could sleep like a…well, you know.)

photo: Christy Lynn Photography

4. Nothing lasts forever.
Some days you feel superhuman, able to carry a 20-pound car seat and 617 bags of groceries, but other days, your humanity—and all the emotions that come with it—hit harder than usual. If one moment you feel capable of conquering the world and the next minute all you can think of is crawling between the sheets, that makes you normal, not crazy. The fact that nothing lasts forever is a bittersweet reality of mom life, like not being able to use the bathroom alone for at least the next five or six years.

5. Baby poop isn’t that gross.
For that matter, neither is baby pee, spit-up or any other fluid that manages to make its way out of your baby’s orifices. How do we know? In baby’s first year of life, you do things that would have made pre-baby you cringe—things like putting your baby’s pacifier in your mouth to clean it after it hits the ground or wiping away snot or picking up chewed-and-spit-out food with your bare hand.

6. Change is a constant.
Life with a little one keeps you on your toes. As soon as you hit a groove with baby’s sleep routine, boom! A growth spurt or new tooth arrives. Or, as soon as you find out which foods your baby will eat (not just throw), those taste buds seem to change overnight. It’s all part of the growing process, for you and baby. 

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

photo: Christy Lynn Photography 

7. You need a village.
During pregnancy and pre-baby life, having a support system was nice. But during baby’s first year of life, it’s essential. For some, it means having friends and family to take charge of baby while you run errands. For others, it simply means connecting with a network of like-minded moms over social media while baby naps.

8. Every baby is different.
Your child will hit milestones at different times, prefer different toys, and have different sleeping and eating schedules than any other baby you know. And that’s okay. After all, you can’t help that your baby is better.

9. Your heart is infinitely expandable.
A baby’s heart doubles in size in the first year of life. A new mother’s heart feels that same stretch a hundred times over. During baby’s first 12 months, a mama’s heart is overwhelmed with fear and joy, worry and love. The emotions are real and raw. They have made you cry tears of desperation to get your baby to sleep, only to make you want to instantly wake him as soon as he drifts off. And, this is only the beginning.

10. Those cheesy parenting saying are true (mostly).
That quote about the days being short but the years long? Yep. True. That saying about having a baby meaning your heart forever walks around outside your body. True, too. Oh, but that one about “sleeping like a baby”? You can toss that one out with yesterday’s diapers.

This post is sponsored by Maxi-Cosi® and the new Coral™ XP car seat, featuring a lightweight carrier with a shoulder strap for on-the-go families. 

—Suzanna Palmer

 

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Hang in There: 25 Things New Moms Need to Hear

by Suzanna Logan

When times are tough or we feel a bit lost, we all need people to listen to us, support us and try to understand what we’re going through. And that goes double for new moms. We’re here for you, mama. Here are some of the best pieces of advice we’ve heard to help a new mom get through the day.

photo: Quang Nguyen Vinh via Pexels

1. You’ve got this.

2. Don’t compare your child’s milestones to others. Babies develop at their own pace.

3. If you’re concerned about your child’s health, call the doctor. Even after hours. Even on weekends.

4. You will sleep through the night again.

5. This too shall pass. (Whether “this” is teething pains, sleep regression or constant up-the-back blowouts.) Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll get there eventually.

6. Laughter is always the best remedy to whatever ridiculous thing is happening—like spit-up all over your outfit as you’re walking out the door.

7. Keep diapers, wipes and an extra change of clothing (for you and your baby) handy at all times.

photo: Howard Ignatious via Flickr

8. They’re only this little today, so take it slow and give yourself grace.

9. You may not feel ready to take on whatever new challenge motherhood presents (from labor to toddler tantrums), but you will get through them just the same.

10. Treasure every stage—each one is so fleeting!—and capture them as best you can with photos and videos.

11. However, don’t live out every moment through your camera lens. Put down your phone and soak in the moment…often.

12. Don’t compare yourself to other moms on social media or in real life. You risk comparing their best moments to your worst ones, which isn’t fair to you.

13. What works for someone else might not work for you. Do what makes sense for you, your baby and your family regardless of what books or other people say.

14. It’s ok to make changes when things stop working as well as they used to for you. Babies are constantly changing and growing, so it helps to be adaptable with nap schedules, their comfort level with strangers, and other aspects of your baby’s world.

photo: Donnie Ray Jones via Flickr

15. You can never hold a baby too much or “spoil” them with extra cuddles. Get in allll the snuggles while you can.

16. Trust your mama instinct. Always.

17. Make it a point to get to know other new moms who understand you.

18. Take a day of rest to recharge and rebuild your strength.

19. It’s okay to be exhausted, to cry, to wonder what the heck you got yourself into. And when you feel that way…

20. Surround yourself with support—and don’t be afraid to admit you can’t do it all. If someone you trust offers to hold your child or babysit so you can nap or run to Target, an appropriate response is, “Yes, please, and thank you!”

21. When all else fails, put yourself in timeout. Go for a walk, take a bath, or watch an episode of your favorite show. Even just leaving the room for a few minutes can help you calm down and get yourself together.

photo: Wayne Evans via Pexels 

22. There’s a reason it takes two people to make a baby. You and your partner are a team. Don’t try to shoulder the load alone.

23. If you can, sleep when the baby sleeps. If you can’t, do something you find fulfilling, whether that’s cleaning, cooking or calling up a friend. 

24. If your little one won’t sleep (or stop crying), putting baby down in the crib and stepping away for a breather can be good for you both.

25. When you get unsolicited advice, acknowledge the giver’s good intentions with a smile and say thank you…and then follow your mama gut.

—Suzanna Palmer

RELATED STORIES:

13 Things Every Mom Wishes She Knew Before Having Her First Baby

21 Things You’ll Think as a New Mom

10 Things Every Toddler Mom Should Know

 

 

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