Photo: Evelyn Rountree of Love, mamãe

How is it possible to feel anger towards someone you (probably) love more than anything in the world?

When my kids make me angry, that feeling weighs on me more than any of the acts they did to actually get me to that point. So, how do you navigate this feeling when you are already so aware of your own emotions?

Understanding My Anger

I wish there was a moment in my life that would be the “cause” for me ever getting angry at my kids. But the truth is… there isn’t.

I get angry with my kids because I have a heart that beats and a brain that (luckily) functions. I have a body that gets exhausted from sleepless nights and endless chores. I get bored from the lack of adult interaction. There is a point when I just can’t bear changing another doll’s outfit. Or a baby diaper. Or making 7 meals a day.

And so, getting angry with my kids encompasses a daily ritual that sometimes is just Too. Freaking. Boring.

And let’s not confuse boring with “doing nothing.” You can do one thousand things per minute in your day and still feel drained. It doesn’t mean that it’s always boring. Not even that you’d like to be living differently. It simply means that right there, at the moment, you lack something.

What are you lacking in your own life that makes you angry at your kids from time to time?

For me, what I’m usually lacking is a combination of free time plus feeling guilty. Mom-guilt is my number #1 “issue” in my motherhood journey.

I have always been a “free-spirited” person. I would go out to eat at 11 p.m. at night if I wanted to, sometimes I would wake up early on a Saturday morning, pack a bag and start driving until I end up somewhere cool.

My husband and I had dates weekly, I was always surrounded by friends, life was loud and agitated.

The main thing I missed (and miss) is freedom. The freedom to just get up and leave. To grocery shop in peace. Heck, to use the bathroom in peace!

Once you become a mom, those things are gone for a while. And I’m still in the “while”.

And so, I’ve been slowly finding out what works for me.

1. I feel my anger. Give me a good 5 minutes to just be angry (away from the kids) and not try to simply “snap out of it”.

2. I validate my emotions. Taking a few seconds to really think “I am angry because this sucks” or “I am angry because I have just mopped and they threw crackers all over the floor again” and “I am angry because they didn’t sleep all night and now still refuse to nap” or “I am angry because I miss going out alone.” Those are very real reasons that a human being would get angry about.

3. I try not to trap myself into the “guilt” spiral. Things like, “There are moms with kids in the hospital and here I am angry at them for coloring on the walls” are not valid. True, it’s always good to acknowledge your blessings of having healthy, happy kids and a family to care for. But saying things like that invalidate your feelings and, therefore, you don’t work through them. You have a right to feel your emotions.

4. Do not act in anger. I don’t mean to sound cheesy, but this needs to be said. And that’s for everything, especially when it’s about your kids. I am sure you know this, but kids aren’t born malicious or manipulative. They are learning how to navigate through their own little feelings and it’s as hard for them as it is for you, if not more. It’s true, they do not understand WHY they can’t ask the same questions 300 times within a minute even after you’ve told them the answer.

So, for me, I take a beat. If I feel angry, I will step away and let myself feel angry. Cry if I have to. Scream if I need to. I will then come to them and explain, looking in their eyes, why I am angry. And crazy enough, they understand!

Just a few days ago, my almost 3-years-old girl and I had a bad day together. A combination of a bad night, no nap, and pouring rain lead to a difficult day to manage for us.

When my husband got home from work, he saw that we were just not in sync, so, he took her into her room, sat with her, and told her she could cry, scream, whatever she wanted. She was in there with him for a good 15 minutes just crying. And then…silence.

They both came out and she ran to me, and said: “I’m really sorry mommy, I’m ready to sleep now”.

While they were in the room and she was having a meltdown, I was out in the living room having a meltdown of my own. I cried and cried and just felt that anger. So by the time she was hugging me, I was squeezing her back saying “I’m sorry too, mommy is just super tired”.

You see…the both of us didn’t have a good day. It’s easy for me to forget that the tiny human yelling at me isn’t doing that to just make me angry and, while I’m having such a hard time myself, my almost 3-year-old little girl was getting pretty irritated with me too.

But in order for me to comprehend that, I had to first acknowledge, validate and allow my feelings to pour…so that I could let them go.

This post originally appeared on Love, mamãe.
feature image: Ryan Franco via Unsplash

I'm a stay-at-home mom to two toddlers, ages 3 and 1. Also a wife, a homemaker, business owner, and the heart behind the motherhood blog "Love, mamãe". My goal? To help mothers survive the toddler years with joy, grace, and sanity!

Photo: KinderCare Learning Centers

The back-to-school season is on the horizon for families around the country. With that comes a backpack full of emotions for children and parents. Some of these feelings may be expected, while others may be unexpected or surprising in their intensity.

While adults may know how to identify their emotions and express them appropriately, children are still learning these skills. Often, children’s emotions come out in their behaviors. A child who is excited may have trouble sitting still or focusing on the task at hand, while a child who is anxious may throw things or yell at their siblings.

No matter how you and your children feel about the start of a new school year, remember that all feelings are valid, both yours and your children’s. It’s completely understandable (and normal) to experience conflicting emotions about the same aspect of returning to school. You can be both nervous and excited at the thought of your child walking through those school doors and settling down into a classroom with their peers, and so can your child.

As we head into a new school year, here are tips for how you and your children can navigate some of the big emotions you both might feel.

Encourage Excitement

Talk with your child about the things that they are looking forward to when the school year starts, while also encouraging them to share the things that make them sad or concerned. Once you understand how they are feeling, look for or create an opportunity for your child to do more of what they’re enthusiastic about. For example, if your child is eager to be around other children, you could arrange extra opportunities for them to be around friends or look into school clubs or activities your child could join so they have even more opportunities to spend time with their friends or to make new friends. While focusing on the positive, remember to dismiss or minimize concerns or simply tell your child that it will all just be okay.

Address Anxiety & Fear

It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about new experiences and new people. No matter what your child is anxious or fearful about, talk about it with them. The first step to addressing an emotion, especially the tough ones, is to identify and validate it. Then you and your child can work together to find appropriate ways to address those fears. If your child is worried about reconnecting with or making new friends, you might try role playing to help your child practice or use puppets (socks on the hands might do) to act out meeting someone for the first time.

Be sure to address your own concerns too. If you’re worried about keeping your child and family safe and healthy, learn about the school’s health and safety plan and talk through the safety protocols with your child so that they are comfortable with them, including practicing some “what if” scenarios. Be sure to seek support from your child’s school too. School counselors often have access to a variety of child-focused support tools and community networks.

Embrace Relief

Returning to any semblance of normalcy may have you and your children jumping for joy. Going back to school is a sign of the world opening up again, of being able to do more of the things you like to do. Embrace that sense of relief and don’t second guess yourself or make a list of caveats.

Acknowledge Grief

In change there is often loss. Many families had to deal with challenging experiences during over the past 18 months. Despite how difficult this time may have been, there were probably also some bright spots for your family such as spending more time together and the opportunity to be more engaged in your child’s life. The thought of going back to “the way things were” may leave you or your child feeling sad about what might be left behind. Take a moment to acknowledge that loss. You can also brainstorm, together, how you might keep some of the things you liked about this past year in your lives, whether that’s a nightly family walk, a weekly game night or a special weekend meal you prepare together.

No matter how you and your child feel, embrace it. The back to school season is a time of new beginnings and your family is in it together. Try to appreciate all of the emotional ups and downs together and celebrate their emotional growth as well as your own. Establishing a habit of checking in on your child’s emotional wellbeing now reassures your child that you’ll be there to support them no matter what this new school year brings.

RELATED STORIES:
Stop Doing These 8 Things for Your Kids This School Year
Books That Will Get Your Child Excited about School
After Reading My Notes from Middle School, This Is What I Want My Daughter to Know

Dr. Elanna Yalow is Chief Academic Officer of KinderCare, the nation’s leading provider of high-quality early childhood education, supporting the development of KinderCare’s educational programs, educator professional development, quality and accreditation initiatives, research and evaluation, inclusion services, and public policy. She is married and the mother of two sons.

Photo: Storyblocks

When a grandparent, parent or older relative has Alzheimer’s disease, it affects everyone, including the kids. One second, they might recognize the children. The next, they’re calling them a stranger and blaming them for stealing the car keys. This emotional rollercoaster can easily confuse and frighten kids—just as it would an adult.

In those moments, you can provide comfort by helping them better understand Alzheimer’s and how the disease will change their relationship with the affected relative.

1. Explain the Disease
When you receive a diagnosis or your relative with Alzheimer’s moves in with you, you’ll want to explain the disease to your kids. Share the signs and symptoms and ask them if they’ve noticed these red flags in their loved one. Maybe the warning signs have been there for a while.

Explain that one in nine people age 65 and older has Alzheimer’s to reassure them they aren’t alone. There are kids just like them with affected family members who are experiencing similar emotions.

2. Anticipate & Encourage Questions
After sharing all of this new information, it’s only natural that your little ones would have questions, so do your research before having a conversation. Prepare to answer inquiries about the prognosis, the risk of other family members contracting the disease and how their symptoms might progress.

If your child shuts down and withdraws from the person with Alzheimer’s, gently begin a conversation about their response. Be an active listener and encourage them to share their emotions. Then, be a little vulnerable and share your feelings to encourage an open line of communication.

3. Be Honest & Concise
Of course, you may want to refrain from going into detail when explaining the disease and answering questions. Besides, there’s no reason to share a grim prognosis or startling new discoveries about your loved one’s health. These details will only scare younger kids and leave them with more questions than answers. Therefore, it’s best to keep your answers simple and concise. Be honest but don’t overshare. Your child could use some hope right now, not more reason to worry.

4. Prepare for Changes
Unfortunately, the symptoms of Alzheimer’s will progress and worsen over time. Even if a loved one seems completely normal today, they may be confused again tomorrow. If this relative is living with your family and the emotional rollercoaster becomes too much, you may choose to move them into an assisted living residence. There, they can enjoy therapy, sensory stimulation and other engaging activities.

These changes can happen more quickly than anyone can anticipate, so it’s best to prepare your kids before they occur. Talk about potential moves, developments and next steps ahead of time and answer any questions your children might have.

5. Validate Feelings
Another important part of helping kids and teens understand Alzheimer’s disease is validating their emotions. Your children could experience guilt, shame, sadness, anger, confusion and other emotions, and all of them are authentic and understandable. Get to the bottom of their feelings and normalize them by asking questions, stating facts and being genuine about your own feelings.

Most important, practice being present during these conversations. Get on your kid’s level, make eye contact and be with them at that moment. Once they express themselves, they’ll feel better and maybe even a little optimistic about the situation.

6. Plan Bonding Time
Sometimes, your little one will feel awkward around those with Alzheimer’s. In this case, it’s plan family activities to help them feel connected and comfortable. First, plan short outings or activities as an entire family so your child has time to adjust to being around the person with Alzheimer’s. Then, you can begin planning more one-on-one bonding time.

Plan a baking day and have your loved one teach the next generation how to make a special pastry or traditional family recipe. Get artsy and let the two paint together. You might even let them watch reruns of old shows or listen to old-timey music together. These activities will provide common ground for them to reconnect and make precious memories.

7. Teach Patience
It’s relatively common for kids to become impatient with grandparents or other relatives with Alzheimer’s disease. After all, frequently repeating yourself and keeping track of things for someone else can be a bit frustrating at times.

Show your kids a little grace when they react angrily or voice their displeasure. Then, teach them to be patient in future scenarios. Talk about what might happen or how they might feel if grandpa forgets where he put the remote again. Going through potential scenarios might help them respond more carefully next time.

Family Is Forever
The most heartbreaking question you might hear from your kids is “Will they forget about me?” Sadly, this is a very real possibility. However, in these moments, it’s best to remind your little one that, while their grandparent may not recognize them sometimes, they can certainly feel love. The two generations will always hold one another in their hearts because family is forever. When you’re all having a rough day, hold onto that truth.

RELATED: Easy Ways to Stay Connected to Grandparents from a Distance

Kara Reynolds is the Editor-in-Chief and founder of Momish Magazine.  A mom of four and matriarch to her big blended family, Kara wants nothing more than to normalize differences in family structures.  She enjoys peeing alone, pancakes, and pinot noir - but not at the same time. 

We’ve heard a lot about how resilient our children are and have been throughout this pandemic, and it’s true. But we also must remember that children, and adults, are not born resilient. Resiliency is a learned skill that requires constant practice.

When children experience a traumatic event, like this year-long pandemic, where they can’t see their friends, can’t hug grandparents, can’t celebrate birthdays and holidays, you may notice they get angry or act out, and that is because they need help regaining control and establishing a more positive mindset. Other behaviors you may see that indicate this need for control are hitting/biting, tantrums, becoming overly emotional, trying to escape or hiding.

If you start to notice your child exhibiting one or more of these behaviors, there are areas you, as a parent, can focus on to help them bounce back, maintain a positive attitude and cope with stress. Validating feelings, promoting quality relationships and interactions, and creating safe, secure environments, are all ways you can help your child flex their resiliency muscle.

The most important way to promote resiliency is by following a pathway of validating feelings and expressing understanding for what children are going through. It is important for them to know that we understand and care about how they’re feeling. Quality interactions and strong family relationships can help children identify their feelings. Even the youngest of children, who might not know the emotion they are feeling or be able to give it a name, can share how they feel through visuals or by reading a book about the feeling. It’s imperative to let children know that not only are they going to be safe and secure, but that these feelings are real and valid. The ability to identify those feelings is what leads to resiliency.

Additionally, creating a safe, secure environment for your children also helps build resiliency. During the pandemic, children have largely spent most of their time at home or at school/childcare, so focus on safety and security in both of those environments.

Here is a list of specific things you and your children can do at home and at school to help build resiliency:

1. Create a routine so they know what’s going to happen every day
2. Build visual schedules that show their routine via pictures so they see the events of their day.
3. Provide continuity of care for children
4. Make sure interactions with teachers, other children and at home are positive
5. Build and focus on those “how are you feeling” type questions
6. Validate your child’s feelings by helping them name the feelings and give them techniques for moving through those feelings
7. Establish cozy corners – a quiet place children can go when they’re having “big emotions”
8. Make a sensory bin of things they can touch, squeeze, look at etc.
9. Look in the mirror with your child so they can see their emotions
10. Set up “mindful minutes” to practice breathing exercises, empathy exercises, discuss book recommendations and other activities found at our Facebook page
11. Seek help if you are a parent or caregiver who demonstrates loss of control of your emotions and actions in response to stress – children pick up on how people around them react

Resilience is the foundation of a child’s mental health, confidence, self-regulation, stress management and response to difficult events. We all want our children to feel and be resilient so that they can go grow stronger, even through an event like the pandemic!

Joy has over 20 years of experience in early childhood education. As Vice President of Education at Kiddie Academy Educational Child Care, she oversees all things curriculum, assessment, training and more. Joy earned a B.S. in Education from Salisbury University.

Photo: Canva

Many schools have done a great job raising awareness about bullying. Bullying is never okay and needs to be addressed immediately. With this heightened awareness, kids may have a hard time differentiating between bullying and mean behavior. Here are some definitions to help. 

Mean versus Bullying Behavior

  • Mean behavior is saying or doing something to hurt a person.
  • Bullying is a cruel act done on purpose and repeatedly that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power.

Quick Quiz: Is it Mean or Bullying?

1. JD tells Marco that he can’t play basketball at recess because he’s the worst player in the whole grade. Mean or bullying?

Answer: It appears that JD is being mean. His words are intended to hurt Marco, but there’s no evidence of repetitive behavior or a power imbalance.

2. Molly makes fun of Piper for wearing the same pants to school every day. In gym class, Molly says Piper smells and later, she writes the words “You stink” on her desk. Mean or bullying?

Answer: Molly’s acting like a bully. She’s making fun of Piper repeatedly with the intention to cause harm. There’s also evidence of a power imbalance.

Context is important to understand meanness versus bullying. When it comes to mean behavior, there is often an underlying conflict between those involved. Regardless, both behaviors are not okay and can be painful for kids as well as parents. So how do parents respond to best support their kids?

Responding to Mean Behavior

Dealing with mean behavior is a part of life that we all learn how to handle. With guidance and support, kids develop skills to deal with meanness, such as speaking up, learning resilience, getting help, and putting energy into kind friendships instead.

As parents, it’s important to validate a child’s feelings when someones mean to them and help them decide how they’d like to respond (ignore, speak up, etc.).

Signe Whitson, author and national educator on bullying, has seen a rise in situations of mean or rude behavior incorrectly classified as bullying. She says, “I have already begun to see that gratuitous references to bullying are creating a bit of a “little boy who cried wolf” phenomena. In other words, if kids and parents improperly classify rudeness and mean behavior as bullying—whether to simply make conversation or to bring attention to their short-term discomfort—we all run the risk of becoming so sick and tired of hearing the word that this actual life-and-death issue among young people loses its urgency as quickly as it rose to prominence.”

Responding to Bullying Behavior

Bullying, on the other hand, is a different matter and needs to be addressed. Experts agree that bullying entails three key elements: an intent to harm, a power imbalance, and repeated acts or threats of aggressive behavior. Bullies try to have more social or physical power over their targets. They try to make their targets cry, feel scared or lose their temper. And bullying has lasting negative effects.

Even though it may be hard, encourage kids not to give bullies their power. Help them practice standing tall and pretending to be bored or unimpressed. Then walk away and get help from a trusted adult.

Kids develop healthy social and emotional skills at different stages, so unkind behavior is unfortunately common. These painful moments provide families an opportunity to revisit conversations about meanness and bullying and how to navigate situations. They also offer parents an opportunity to make sure their kids feel loved, heard and help them navigate uncomfortable emotions. If your child is feeling overwhelmed by mean or bullying behavior, be sure to get support from the school or a professional as well.

Additional Resources:

StopBullying.gov

Bystander Revolution

Cyberbullying Research Center

Stomp Out Bullying

Jessica Speer is an author focused on helping kids and families thrive. Her book, BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? A Girls Guide to Happy Friendships releases July 2021. 

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

Does this sound familiar? Your child comes home upset and reports that their friend did or said something mean. After hearing the story, you are convinced that indeed there was malicious intent, and the friend is to blame. A few days later, your child’s friendship returns to normal. But you are still stewing and have a hard time seeing your child’s friend in a positive light.

In social situations like these, our minds generate a variety of explanations for the behavior of others. Some of these explanations give someone the benefit of the doubt. Others assign blame, judge, and even attack their character. In the situation described above, we only heard one perspective, yet we assigned blame and assumed the friend’s bad intention.

This sort of thing happens all the time. Humans tend to jump to conclusions so we can make better sense of our world. Psychologists refer to this as our “attribution st‌yle.” Some people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt (benign attribution style), while other people tend to blame and assume bad intent (hostile attribution st‌yle).

Which attribution st‌yle has more positive relationships and overall happiness? (The tendency to blame or the tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt?)

Studies show that people with a benign attribution st‌yle, or the tendency to see the good in others, lead happier lives and experience more positive relationships.

So what does this have to do with parenting?

Our attribution st‌yle is not set in stone. If we tend to have a hostile attribution st‌yle, we can change the way we think. This effort will positively impact our kids as they see us giving them and others the benefit of the doubt before jumping to negative conclusions.

As parents, it’s important to help our kids navigate difficult emotions and situations. In these instances, we can make sure our kids feel heard and validate their feelings. Then, we can help them see the bigger picture. Maybe their friend is having a difficult time, maybe the behavior was not intentional, and that there is likely more to the story. 

When we emerge from the COVID-19 pandemic, life will no doubt be challenging. People are dealing with unprecedented changes in their lives, such as the loss of jobs, loved ones, routine, and connection with others. Life is steeped in uncertainty and fear. Now is a perfect time to practice a benign attribution st‌yle. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Avoid assumptions. Focus on the good. The world needs this right now, and so do our kids.

This post originally appeared on www.JessicaSpeer.com.

Jessica Speer is the author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends)? Girls Guide to Happy Friendships. Combining humor, the voices of kids, and research-based explanations, Jessica unpacks topics in ways that connect with tweens and teens. She’s the mother of two and has a Master’s Degree in Social Sciences.    

If there’s one thing parents learn rather quickly, it’s that the words “kid” and “listen” are not always compatible. It’s easy to become frustrated when you think your little one isn’t paying attention to your words, but remember, sometimes active listening takes a little bit of practice. Here are 11 positive parenting solutions to help you stop yelling at your kiddos and get them listening.

sweetlouise via Pixabay

1. "I don't like it when you do that."

Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do, encourages parents to stay as calm as possible when reacting to their kiddos, even if the frustration level is high because they're not listening to you. Instead of getting angry and saying, "You're not listening to me," respond with saying you don't like it when they're not listening, and explain why and how it makes you feel. That also helps kids understand how their behavior affects others.

2. "What do you need to remember?"

Like many adults, kids sometimes tune out when they hear the same phrases, even if they're important ones. So instead of constantly reminding your kiddo, "Don't forget to wash your hands before lunch," try asking them what they need to remember before eating lunch. This will help them to express it back to you and take ownership of that important pre-eating task. Remember, mentally strong kids have parents who do these 13 things

DayronV via Pixabay

3. "Do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes?"

Sometimes there's nothing more frustrating than when your little ones refuse to listen when you need to leave the house. Instead of raising your voice so they'll listen, try giving them some control of the situation by enabling them to choose when you leave. Asking if they want to leave now or in 10 minutes means you're leaving, but they get to control when it happens.

4. "Show me."

Sometimes we assume our kids aren't listening because they're not responding in the way we think they should. Lauren Tamm, the author of The Military Wife and Mom, suggests asking your kiddo to show you they understand or demonstrate what they may not be able to articulate verbally.

Olichel via Pixabay

5. "Can you help me with this task over here?"

Do you feel like you're constantly telling your kiddo to stop doing something, and they don't ever listen? Next time that happens, try a new approach. Instead of telling them to stop, divert their attention by asking them to focus on a new task.

6. "Take a breath, and ask me what you want."

Sometimes getting your kiddos to listen when they're in the midst of a tantrum can be an Olympic sport in itself. Instead of continuing to repeat the same things to your kids and them not responding, try changing the dynamic of the situation. Get them to focus on calming themselves by taking a breath, and encourage them to ask you what they want.

LorileeAlanna via Pixabay

7. "You realized you got hurt when you jumped off the chair landed on the ground."

Kids often do things they shouldn't, like jumping off chairs, that could risk them getting injured. And no matter how many times you tell them to stop, they just don't want to listen to your warnings. Dr. Brenna Hicks, a child psychologist, suggests that the next time this happens and they do get hurt, use a phrase such as the one above so it acknowledges they figured out the problem and is also showing some empathy.

8. "Do you need to have a few minutes to yourself?"

When your little one is not listening or throwing a tantrum, saying something like this is a somewhat more positive way of communicating the consequences of not listening. You're also giving them the choice to control their behavior, and therefore, giving them some control over the situation.

Counselling via Pixabay

9. "Your actions tell me you're too tired to play today."

Be sure to take cues from your kiddo's body language to learn why they may not be listening to you. Maybe your child isn't listening because they are tired or hit a mental breaking point for the day, and the only way they can communicate is through not listening to you. Show them you understand by commenting on their actions, not the fact that they're not listening.

10. Say their name, and give a pause.

When a person hears their name, it provokes a different response. So the next time your little one is not listening to your instructions, change the dynamic a bit, and use their name when you speak. Follow their name with a short pause so they have time to respond.

11. "It's okay to cry."

Positive Parenting Coach Wendy Snyder says it's important to validate kids' feelings. They have big emotions but might have the tools to control them quite yet. By letting them express themselves, you're offering support, which leads to a calmer home environment.

—Leah R. Singer

Featured image: iStock 

 

RELATED STORIES:

13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do 

3 Tips to End Your Dr. Jekyll & Momma Hyde Parenting

How Positive Parenting Saved My Relationship with My Teenage Daughter

11 Positive Parenting Tactics to Try First—Before You Lose Your Cool

 

Julia Randall

A licensed therapist by day, Momma to one (soon to be two) boys, and lifestyle blogger at theblissfulmomma.com.

“Self-care” As Mothers, we hear this phrase a lot, oftentimes with a joke about drinking excessive amounts of wine, or actually being able to enjoy a warm cup of coffee; both are examples of coping, but not really self-care. Self-care goes beyond just how we cope; it is a multi-faceted way of taking care of our many needs as mothers, women, and as human beings. I think it is helpful to look at self-care across several different arenas..

I encourage you to brainstorm what each of these categories means to you. I’ve jotted down my understanding of these categories to help get you started:

Physical: Taking care of your body by seeing medical providers regularly, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, fueling your body with a variety of nourishing foods (yes, that also means enjoying foods like pizza and chocolate in moderation).

Spiritual: Meditating, participating in a religious organization, volunteering, practicing gratitude, and journaling are all great ways to take care of your spiritual self.

Emotional: Making time to have without the kids (and sometimes your partner), saying “no” to what does not serve you, setting boundaries, and addressing stress as it pops up in your life.

Financial: A less well-known category of self-care, but an extremely important one. If you don’t have enough money to pay your bills – or if you spend recklessly – you will end up having a lot of stress. Financial self-care can be having a budget, paying bills on time, saving money, and overall having a good idea of your finances.

Environmental: Our immediate physical surroundings can have a big impact on how we feel. This involves having a system to keep some sense of order in your home, cleaning, and asking for help when you need it.

Psychological: Your mental health is impacted by all of these areas, but also needs to be treated as a separate entity. Social supports such as friends, Mom groups, empathic family members, and therapists are all examples of taking care of yourself psychologically.

What self-care is not: overspending, drinking alcohol/using substances, over-exercising, restricting/binging on food, not speaking up about stressors, not asking for help.

My biggest recommendation for self-care is recognizing that it is an ongoing journey, it is unique to each individual, and it is important to be flexible as you change over time. I’ve linked my favorite self-care items that span across all of these categories.


1

Mama Affirmation Cards

Inspirational Affirmation Cards for Mommas

$17.95

When I am struggling to feel capable as a Mother, these affirmation cards can quickly remind me of abilities, strength, and validate different emotions I am experiencing. Emotional self-care.

BUY NOW

2

Neck & Back Massager

Better than Your Partner's Back Massage

$49.99

Because the Spa is expensive and not all of our partner's want to give us back massages. This Shiatsu massager can go deep with it's kneading massage and also provides heat to all those sore spots. I know I tend to carry all of my tension in my shoulders and feel so much better when I relieve them. Perfect for your physical self-care!

BUY NOW

3

The Gift of a Happy Mother

Like a hug from all the other Mommas out there

$9

A reminder that even though Motherhood can feel very lonely, we are not alone, Perfect for your emotional and psychological self-care.

BUY NOW

4

Essential Oils

Scents that will help ground you on the craziest of days

$17.99

Research has shown that aromatherapy both can help relax the mind and sometimes even stimulate it when we are struggling. Scent is a powerful sense and we can help ease our stress levels and re-focus with essential oils we apply or diffuse at home.

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5

Home Cleaning Checklist

Cleaning To-Do Lists that make you want to Clean

$2.50

Since cleaning is something that I loathe and put off, this downloadable chore checklist helps me feel like I can tackle cleaning. There is something so rewarding about having a list ready-to-do that I just have to check-off as I complete tasks.

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6

Ghiradelli Chocolate

A chocolate a day keeps this Momma happy

$10.99

This may seem silly, but never underestimate the power of a quality piece of chocolate. Best enjoyed when you are doing an activity for yourself.

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7

Patchology Mask Kit

Aromatherapy and masks for pampering yourself

$30 BUY NOW

Another way to experience a spa night at home, this kit includes my favorite brand of aromatherapy masks for your face, hands, feet, and even special ones for under your eyes. Plus they are all safer beauty products!

Let’s play a little Jeopardy, shall we? The answer, for $500: “Being cooped up for six months with no social gatherings, wearing masks everywhere we go, working from home but still losing income, terrifying nightly news reports every day of the week, and confusing opinions about how school should look this fall”. Ding! “What are some of the situations that are leading to greater conflict in our families during COVID, Alex?” Correct! $500 pretend dollars for the exhausted-looking person reading this article!

Chances are you know exactly what I’m talking about. Not only is there still great fear about the virus in general, but people are on edge about the economy, our jobs, our kids’ schooling, loneliness and disconnection in our extended families and communities, and more. And this viral crisis shows no signs of ending anytime soon. As a therapist, I can tell you it’s leading to heightened conflict in homes across America. How do we better manage the stress, frustration, anger, and disappointment so that we can keep distress in our families to a minimum? Here are five top tips for handling conflict during COVID. 

1. Listen: When you are not in agreement with someone important to you, listen to and validate the other person’s point of view. This is the best first step. It’s disarming for people when they feel truly heard, especially when two people have very different beliefs or feelings on an issue. You don’t have to agree with someone to reiterate their point back to them in an attempt to show you are listening and you understand where they are coming from. Start here.

2. Try and find common ground: Emphasize anything that is similar or that you can agree upon. This can lead to a faster resolution and better compromise. You maybe want something done differently or at a different pace, but usually what we all want in the end is similar: peace, order, harmony, progress, healing, chocolate, and naps. Look for areas where you can reach an agreement.

3. Let it go: Sometimes it isn’t worth the fight. Remember: people do not have to agree. Ultimately we need to learn to let go of control of others. We should seek to be kind and respectful above being right/winning. Not every fight is one you can let slide… but perhaps you can change your tone or approach in a disagreement to lower the level of conflict with people you love.

4. Become a proficient apologizer: When you do mess up and things get heated or you’ve been unkind, don’t hesitate to apologize. When you ask for forgiveness for your behavior or words, all it means is that you are acknowledging that you did something hurtful, not that you are a bad or weak person. The healthiest people apologize easily (it takes lots of practice to get there) because they see nothing wrong with admitting they may have done something hurtful to someone else. An “I’m sorry” can go a long way in times of conflict, and it’s a great example to set for others around us who may struggle with this basic relationship skill. Be generous with repair attempts. It ultimately will pave the way for greater peace in our most important relationships. 

5. Practice self-care: Work on emotional management and de-stressing outside of times of conflict. Find ways to process your emotions and create healthy outlets for your stress. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually so that you can be as balanced as possible when conflict does arise. Work on healthy food choices for optimal health, improve sleep hygiene and routine, and move your body with a simple exercise like walking. Get outside. Play with your pet. Find a few minutes alone each day. Meditate, journal, or create a spiritual practice. Recognize when you need a break from other people, and make it happen. Go for a drive. Sit in the sun for a few minutes. Even a few minutes of self-care daily can help us create the internal peace we need to stay calm when conflict does arise. 

Most of all, cut yourself and others around you some slack. This is unprecedented. People are struggling. This is hard. There is great uncertainty. We are all just taking it day by day. In times as stressful as this, we know that incidents of conflict are going to rise—it’s inevitable. We can’t change that fact, but we can be prepared with strategies like the ones suggested above to help smooth over the struggles brought upon by the unprecedented difficulties we are all living through at this time. We can do this, Friends. For our families, and with our families, we can do this.

Erin Wiley, MA, LPC, LPCC, is a clinical psychotherapist and the Executive Director of The Willow Center, a counseling practice in Toledo, Ohio. The clinical focus of her therapy work is marriage, family, parenting, and relationships. She has extensive training in marriage counseling from the Gottman Institute.