ML Interest Tag: weakness

13 Fred Rogers Quotes about Kindness That We Need Now More Than Ever

by Kate Loweth

Some days we wish we could escape on a shiny red trolley to the Neighborhood of Make-believe, where a kind-hearted man in a zip-up sweater explains away all the scary things happening in the world. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood when you remember these important words of wisdom. Read on for some of our favorite Fred Rogers quotes about kindness, compassion and empathy.

1. Fred Rogers on Strength

mrrogersmovie via Instagram

"Most of us, I believe, admire strength. It's something we tend to respect in others, desire for ourselves, and wish for our children. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we confuse strength and other words--like aggression and even violence. Real strength is neither male nor female; but is, quite simply, one of the finest characteristics that any human being can possess."

2. Fred Rogers on Important Historical Events

Dr. François S. Clemmons via Wikimedia Commons

"A high school student wrote to ask, 'What was the greatest event in American history?' I can't say. However, I suspect that like so many 'great' events, it was something very simple and very quiet with little or no fanfare (such as someone forgiving someone else for a deep hurt that eventually changed the course of history). The really important 'great' things are never center stage of life's dramas; they're always 'in the wings.' That's why it's so essential for us to be mindful of the humble and the deep rather than the flashy and the superficial."

3. Fred Rogers on Humankind

"One of the greatest dignities of humankind is that each successive generation is invested in the welfare of each new generation."

4. Fred Rogers on Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive people we love. Like all of life's important coping skills, the ability to forgive and the capacity to let go of resentments most likely take root very early in our lives."

5. Fred Rogers on Sharing Responsibility

"We live in a world in which we need to share responsibility. It's easy to say, 'It's not my child, not my community, not my world, not my problem.' Then there are those who see the need and respond. I consider those people my heroes."

6. Fred Rogers on Seeing Scary Things on the News

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers--so many caring people in this world."

7. Fred Rogers on Saying "Yes"

"I hope you're proud of yourself for the times you've said 'yes,' when all it meant was extra work for you and was seemingly helpful only to somebody else."

8. Fred Rogers on Embracing Our Feelings

"There's no 'should' or 'should not' when it comes to having feelings. They're part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings."

9. Fred Rogers on Facing Sadness & Anger

"Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it."

10. Fred Rogers on What Makes Us Special

"As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It's our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression."

11. Fred Rogers on Love

"Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now."

12. Fred Rogers on Being True to Yourself

"One of the greatest gifts you can give anybody is the gift of your honest self. I also believe that kids can spot a phony a mile away."

13. Fred Rogers on What Matters Most

"What matters isn't how a person's inner life finally puts together the alphabet and numbers of his outer life. What really matters is whether he uses the alphabet for the declaration of a war or the description of a sunrise--his numbers for the final count at Buchenwald or the specifics of a brand-new bridge."

Now head out into the world and make a snappy new day for yourself.

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It’s Okay to Be an Okay Mom

By Natalie Fuertes

How many of those “perfect Instagram” moms do you follow on social media? You know the ones. They seem to have it all—their house is spotless, their toddler is eating a gourmet meal full of the vegetables they grew in their perfectly manicured backyard, and they’re always dressed in white linen that somehow manages to stay immaculately clean.

You sigh, click off your phone, and are shocked at your reflection, impressed that you’ve been able to go about your day, looking the way you do. Horrified, you look up, and observe the rest of your reality—your daughter’s fingernails which, for some reason, are full of flour and glitter; your son, who desperately needs a haircut and has already outgrown the tee shirt you bought him last week; your apartment and the visual reminders of the chores you can never seem to get to in one weekend.

This is your life. And now you feel like crap.

We live in a society that tells us we need to hide our struggles. That you need to make it seem like you’re doing it all—work a full-time job that you love, spend quality time with your kids and your partner, put a healthy dinner on the table every night. And do it with a beautiful, Invisalign-ed smile. However, that’s not real life.

I’ll start by letting you in on a little secret. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression, and I suffer from frequent panic attacks. Do you think of me differently now?

Here’s my reality: I’m a worrier by nature. I look for emergency exits whenever I enter a room. I catastrophize everything. I take notes during post-apocalyptic movies. Should the world ever suffer some sort of global emergency, I have a plan. And a back-up plan. And a back-up plan to my back-up plan.

But here’s where it gets taken to the next level: simple, everyday tasks give me anxiety. I can’t go into a new coffee shop because I need to know their exact ordering process before I go inside. Why? I Because I don’t want to be that annoying customer that asks the barista for milk in my coffee when I’m actually supposed to pour it myself. I struggle to book medical appointments if I can’t do it online. Why? Because the thought of talking to someone on the phone to find a date that works sends me into a panic.

Here are some things that I’ve learned that help me live with anxiety:

It’s a medical condition.

I’m the queen of saying “I’m fine” and I push through even when I feel like crap. It’s taken me years to get to the point where I feel like it’s ok to say “I don’t feel ok today.” If you have the flu you rest, right? It’s the same thing with anxiety. You need to listen to your body and treat it the same way you would any other medical condition—whether that means taking medication, going to therapy, or self-managing with mindfulness techniques.

Know your triggers.

My biggest one is “mom guilt.” I work well over 40 hours a week. I love my job, but I’ve got to juggle that with raising my two kids. There are days when I want to put blinders on and just focus on work, but I’ve got to pick up the kids from school and make dinner. There are days when I just want to be a mom and spend time lounging on the couch with the kids, but then there’s a fire that needs to be put out at work. Most days I feel like a failure at work and at home and it’s a terrible feeling.

So how do I deal with this on a regular basis? Truthfully, I don’t have the answer yet. But I am learning how to ease the guilt a bit so that I’m not in a constant state of depression. I remind myself that I’m doing my best. Did the kids eat? Great. It doesn’t matter that it was a bowl of cereal or microwaveable nuggets. If you are measuring your life against a social media fantasy, you will always come up short. At the end of the day, here’s your reality: your kids are loved, they’re safe, and it’s you that they run to when they’re upset.

You’ve got to ask for help.

I grew up with the mentality that asking for help was a sign of weakness. So, I’ve started with baby steps and, for me, that means simply admitting that I need help. I can’t do it all alone and I’ve come to realize that I have people around me that are willing to lend a hand.

I’ve gotten better at talking to my husband and verbalizing how he can help me. By telling him the things which trigger my anxiety (i.e. making appointments for the kids), he now knows what he can do to help. And on the days when I have a lot on my plate at work, I’ve gotten comfortable with texting my crew of mom friends and asking for help. I’ve come to realize that “It takes a village” isn’t just a saying.

There was a time before my diagnosis when I just felt like I was a terrible mom, a horrible wife, and a useless employee. I know now that, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I give my all to everything, every day. Even when it means that my “all” is making breakfast for dinner three nights in a row and missing a work deadline.

Some days I feel great. Other days, I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning. Some days I can tackle every item on my to-do list. Other days, just getting the kids to school and getting myself into the office is all I can muster. It’s life with anxiety. It’s my reality. And it’s ok.

Natalie Fuertes is the owner of Industry Gymnastics, a gymnastics facility in NYC that focuses on creating a space that is welcoming to all children, regardless of race, gender identity, or sexual-orientation. She is a proud Nuyorican, racial justice advocate, wife, and mama of two. 

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15 Things Every Daughter Needs to Hear from Her Dad

by Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

Dads often serve as the first male role models for their daughters, shaping a girl’s worldview of how men interact with those around them, how they process (or don’t process) their emotional selves, and how they show what they truly value. The things father figures do with their daughters are important, of course, but what’s arguably just as important are the things they say. We asked around and gathered 15 things every daughter should hear from her dad. Keep reading to see them all.

Pixaby

1. You can grow up to be anything you want to be.
Despite all of the progress that has been made in breaking down social and economic barriers for women around the world, studies show that gender roles persist and continue to be established at a very early age for both girls and boys. Fathers can help to combat the straitjacketing effect of gender roles on girls by reminding our daughters that they can grow up to become whatever they set their minds on, even President of the United States.

2. It's okay to ask for help.
Studies have shown that most men don't want to or don't know how to ask for help because they've been taught it's a sign of weakness to need assistance. But, if you show that you aren't afraid to reach out for advice, knowledge or guidance, you'll be able to teach your daughter how to do the same.

Kipp Jarecke-Cheng

3. Your mother/father is my best friend.
Modeling a strong and positive relationship with your spouse directly affects the kinds of relationships that children pursue with their friends and peers now as well as later in life. Daughters with fathers who respect and cherish their spouses will mirror that behavior in the relationships that they have in their childhood and beyond.

4. Do what makes you happy.
Your daughter will see you go to work every day, follow your hobbies and passions. It's important that she knows life isn't just about how much money you make or how many winning teams you're on, but if you're happy while it's happening.

iStock

5. I'm here for you, always.
Kids need to know that they can count on you, even when they're teenagers. You want your daughter to ask you about boys and other grown-up stuff because you've been there.

6. I’m sad.
Don’t be afraid to let your daughter know when you’re feeling down. Studies have shown a direct correlation between a parent’s ability to express emotion and a child’s social competence. A parent’s expression of positive emotion toward his child is generally associated with better social development for the child. Conversely, a parent’s negative emotional expression and poor social development can adversely impact the emotional and social development of a child.

iStock

7. Let me tell you a secret.
Share a secret with your daughter. She’ll appreciate your candor and vulnerability. And maybe she’ll share a secret of her own with you.

8. Let’s play football.
As adults, we sometimes forget that play is an essential part of childhood. For dads, we can sometimes feel more comfortable rough-housing with our sons, but our daughters want to get in on the action, too. For fathers of daughters, there’s no reason why we can’t toss a football with our daughters.

Shopify Partners via Burst

9. Do you want ice cream for dinner?
Sometimes having ice cream for dinner is the right answer to any question.

10. What do you think?
When you ask your daughter for advice, you show that her opinion matters and that you respect her. Plus, you might be surprised by her answers and be able to look at a problem with a fresh perspective. 

Caroline Hernandez via Unsplash

11. I’m so grateful that I get to be your dad.
In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s easy to forget to express gratitude. Letting our daughters know how lucky and proud we are to be their dad can remind them that we are there for them and that we don’t take our role for granted.

12. What do you want to do?
Ask your daughter what she wants to do on a father-daughter date. There are plenty of ideas to choose from. 

dad and tween daughter talking
iStock

13. Never let anyone pressure you. 
Whether it's bullying another kid, breaking the rules, or being talked into doing something physical she doesn't want to do, daughters need to truly understand that she's got the power to say no and walk away at any time.

14. I am so proud of you. 
Kids need to hear that their parents are proud of their accomplishments, no matter how trivial it may seem.

15. I love you.
Tell your daughter that you love her every day. Tell her multiple times a day. Tell her even when she thinks it’s corny. Tell her because you do.

— Kipp Jarecke-Cheng with Gabby Cullen 

Featured image: iStock 

 

RELATED STORIES:

5 Things Not to Tell Your Daughter

Compliments You Need to Give Your Daughter

20 Things You Should Say to Your Kids Every Day

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Harriet Tubman: A Tribute to a Legend Who Truly Fits the “Bill”

By Ruthi Davis

Dear Confessional,

I absolutely love writing poetry. I love it so much that in my own blank space of thoughts, I constantly make up poems about anything in my head. Something about the rhythm and melody of the words just moves me—it makes me feel so vulnerable and connected. I published my first poem when I was only 7.5 years old. From the moment that I was able to write, I was reveling in my own private world on paper.

One of the most personally impactful pieces that I have written and not yet published still resonates with me today, even more so now because of the relevance to current events. You see, I am the biggest proponent of strong people. Not physically strong, but emotionally unstoppable—people who are selfless and brave and wholehearted. Maybe a part of myself identifies with inspiring strength through weakness; finding the light through darkness; discovering motivation and empowerment through pain. I have always admired and worked to emulate the qualities in those who are passionate, giving, positive, and relentless in the pursuit for fairness and freedom.

As Harriet Tubman has been named to replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill, I find it only fitting to offer my personal tribute in her honor with a poem that I wrote back in 1996.

The Underground

Born in darkness, color of night

suppressed by living, suppressed by life

lingers a child denied from light

of a Maryland moon upon a bony face

battered, bruised with black-like stain.

Piercing cries replace

the resonance of a black whip beating night

upon a black exterior.

As gales wailing, waning groans grasp a might

expelled through song

of oppression and search for salvation.

Pieces of earth fall from a face from the grave after days so long;

and so she rises with the same shovel

to dig, to live. To hide among the color of night,

she fights for life through strife. Her tunnel

guides the weak, weaving finger upon finger

hand by hand creating an extraordinary force.

Fighting for freedom, her name lingers

through the air as trees whisper secrets,

humming a hymn in harmony with sound

of bare feet pit-pattering and placing permanent impressions upon solid ground.

As wisps of words whistle within strands of hair,

those who walked the path of Tubman found

themselves in Maryland, 1850, somewhere.

“Down in the waters,

down in the waters children” extend aged hands

to a black “Moses.” As now stands

death, stands life. Fate is immortality with a gun

who casts the coward within

those who turn and run.

Born in darkness, color of night

suppressed by living in terror and strife

lingers the woman who guides the light.

So much admiration and respect for this incredible individual.

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” — Harriet Tubman

with Love,

Ruthi

Ruthi Davis is a the Founder of Ruth Davis Consulting LLC with over two decades of success in advertising/marketing, media/publicity, business development, client relations, and organizational optimization for a variety of clients. Ruthi is a proud mom and influencer in the parenting and family market as founder of the Superfly Supermom brand.

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7 Questions to Ask Yourself before Gathering for the Holidays

By Dr Bethany Cook

Whether you are keeping it small and celebrating with your spouse and kids or planning to attend larger family gatherings, things may be stressful. Here are seven things to think about before committing and attending family events this 2020 holiday season:

1. “Is this good or bad for my mental health?”
Bottom line, if you know a visit to your family will knock you off your “center” the answer is you should not go. We are living in a pandemic for goodness’ sake—some families won’t be able to see one another even if they wanted to due to COVID-19 restrictions. I don’t think going out of your way to visit people you know will significantly upset you is worth the added stress. The fallout from bad family visits can cause a splash big enough to ripple for weeks before and after the event. Some of the ripple’s effects may include:

  • Increased self-harm, anxiety, depressed mood, anger, feelings of isolation, and suicidal ideation.
  • Increased levels of cortisol (stress hormone) which may cause muscle weakness, severe fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating, high blood pressure, and headache.
  • Increase in digestive issues such as diarrhea and/or constipation.
  • Disrupted sleep leading up to and after the gathering.

2.  “Am I able to set boundaries?”
Many of us are learning for the first time in our lives how to respectfully set boundaries in our relationships with others. Often it’s easier to set them with co-workers and acquaintances because we don’t usually have a past with them like we do with our family members. That being said, will you be able to ask your family to respect X? Will they be able to? If they don’t, will you even agree to go? What if they say “yes” and then once you arrive they don’t, what now?

3. “Will I be able to enforce my boundaries?”
Setting a boundary is different from enforcing it. Think of it like legislators vs. police. One writes the laws and the other makes sure we obey them. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page with who will enforce the boundary and how. This can include a tag-team effort. Just make sure going into the event that you are in agreement regarding who does what. Also, what happens if extended family cross the boundary?

4. “What is the cost/benefits to my family?”
Allowing and encouraging our children to have close relationships with extended family members has been the “norm” for generations. Families traditionally have done everything together and wouldn’t have survived without the help of each member. That being said, all types of abuse have also been happening in families since the dawn of time. The abuse can range from severe to mild, physical to emotional. It doesn’t matter the type, it’s not OK on any level.

If you are potentially putting yourself, spouse, and/or your children into a toxic environment you need to look at who benefits and how much. Sometimes parents who abused their children are wonderful grandparents because they’ve changed and grown. While seeing them may trigger you, you know your children benefit from seeing and interacting with grandparents and your triggers are manageable. Mentally preparing yourself for the visit and having clear expectations allows you to remain in control and decreases feelings of anxiety.

5. “Can everyone agree not to bring up politics (or any other “hot topic”)?”
I believe in setting people up for success. One of the ways to do that with holiday gatherings this year is to have everyone agree to not bring up certain topics. No, this doesn’t make the gathering inauthentic. No, this doesn’t mean we are isolating Aunt Edna because she is the “only one who voted that way.” It means we are showing mutual respect for one another and all agreeing ahead of time to not talk about certain things.

6. “Have I brought a sensory distraction?”
When we feel threatened we stop using our frontal lobes (judgment, reason, understanding), and instead our thoughts stem from either our limbic system (the emotional center which results in over-the-top impulsive responses) or our cerebellum (survival mode which is flight/fright/freeze). One way to regain control of your thoughts and/or feelings at the moment is to ground yourself using one of your five senses.

  • Wear a rubber band on your wrist and when you get irritated “snap” yourself out of it.
  • Take some sour candy and/or black licorice with you and “startle” yourself back to the control center by shocking your taste buds.
  • Lastly, if you do have smelling salts (or strong essential oils) bring them with you and take a whiff to calm down when you start feeling bothered.

7. “Have I created an exit plan?”
Feeling in control will be the No. 1 “stress reliever” you’ve got, which means having a solid exit plan ready to implement if things go sideways. Both you and your spouse need to agree on the exit plan, maybe even have a code word and a prearranged excuse (if you don’t want to have to “get into it” at the moment) for when the plan gets implemented. Talk to your kids about it beforehand so they don’t feel sucker-punched. You don’t have to get into the nitty-gritty of “why” with them if you don’t want to just give them enough info so they know what to do. This will help you get out faster and with less confusion.

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to how you manage the upcoming holiday season. My final words of advice are this: You aren’t responsible for making sure everyone in your extended family has a “happy holiday season.” Your first commitment should be to protect the mental health of yourself, spouse, and children. It’s OK to hit the “pause” button in relationships. This doesn’t mean you’re a failure and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person. It merely means you are strong and self-aware enough to not set yourself (partner and kids) up for failure.

I am a 42-year-old biological mother of two young children in a same-sex relationship, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in neuropsychological assessment, a music therapist, a trainer of therapy dogs and ex-communicated Mormon from Indiana with a wicked sense of humor. 

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How to Thrive during COVID as a Working Mom

By Dana Look-Arimoto

Photo: istock

Constant multi-tasking. Overflowing schedule. Running errands. Prepping meals. Cooking Meals. Taking care of the kids. Long days. Long nights. Being a working mom has never been easy. And COVID threw a giant monkey wrench into our carefully cultivated routines. Now, everyone’s home—all the time—and somehow we’re still supposed to keep this operation running like before?

Working moms, listen up! I know we’ve all developed our systems and routines to fit our lifestyles, and are very proud of what we’ve been able to achieve with them. But we are in uncharted waters now. We can’t keep trying to manage things the way we did before.

And change is upon us again as some states start to open up with restrictions, and we will probably experience change once again in the coming months.

But never fear! There are ways to thrive in these turbulent times if you’re willing to make trade-offs. Here are four key steps that will help you manage the increased stress and responsibilities resulting from COVID:

1. Say No. Alright, let’s start with the hardest one. You’re going to have to say no to some things. I know, I know. As a working mom, it often feels like the world is expecting you to hold it up on your shoulders, and any utterance of the word “no” will cause it to collapse on top of you. This is fiction! The reality is that adapting to the changes taking place is not all on you, and you’re allowed to say no. In fact, I’m requiring it. You have to say no to things that de-energize you, even if they didn’t before the pandemic. For example, if you enjoyed, or at least didn’t mind, doing the dishes after dinner but now the activity leaves you drained, don’t do it!

Now, this doesn’t mean to just let those things drop (although I have seriously considered switching to paper plates). Bring in the family and divide up the household chores. Maybe you cook dinner but your son/daughter loads the dishwasher after. Or you can put the laundry into the washer and dryer, but your partner can fold and put away the clothes once they’re done. If you have younger kids, here are some age-appropriate chores so you won’t have to re-do the dishes after your five-year-old does them.

2. Ask for Help. This is a very crucial point and it ties into the previous point. If you take nothing else away from this article, remember this: asking for help is okay. It took me a while, and quite a few meltdowns, to learn this lesson, but admitting when you need assistance and reaching out is not a sign of weakness or defeat. No one is making it through this alone. Start by asking for and offering support in your own home. Then once you have a good system there, reach out to ask and offer help in your community and neighborhood, and, finally, at your workplace. The only way we get through this is together.

For me, one of the ways I ask for help is after I get home from grocery shopping (mask and all), one of my daughters or my husband helps me unload the car and put everything away. It’s a small task but not having to do all that alone, or at all, gives me a little breathing room and support.

3. Do Not Wait for Burnout. Just because the world has gone crazy, doesn’t mean we get to ignore our mental health. Not only is burnout still around, but it is going to sneak up on your like never before if you’re not careful. Before COVID, I was the type of person who had no problems focusing and could sit down and work for hours on hours without needing a break. In the past few months, I find myself often staring out the window, my mind a hazy blank. There’s just so much going on that it’s overwhelming us mentally, whether we consciously realize it or not. So, make sure you are taking time to relax and practicing some de-stress exercises.

4. Split up Roles and Responsibilities at Work. Task sharing doesn’t stop at home, although it is a little trickier at work. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done! Splitting up your responsibility at work can seem really scary because we want to seem in control and completely fine at work. So, how can we tell a co-worker or boss, “Actually, could you or someone else handle this?” First, you have to remember that if you overwhelm yourself with tasks just for the sake of having a lot of tasks, your performance will suffer. We’ve got more on our plate than usual outside of work so adding to it is just going to make it overflow. If you know a specific task at work is not your forte, see if a colleague who enjoys this type of work is willing to take it on, or trade the task for something you love. Splitting up tasks like this sets you and your team up for long-term success.

Dana Look-Arimoto is a mom of two daughters, four dogs, and the founder and CEO of the leadership and executive coaching company, Phoenix5th. As an international speaker, author of Stop Settling, Settle Smart, and the host of “Settle Smarter” podcast, Dana is working to help people everywhere achieve work-life integration.

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Raising Tough Little Girls & Strong Women

By Amy Jorgensen

Being I spent my whole life trying to be tough. Trying to be strong. I learned early my sensitivity was seen as a weakness. I learned to suck it up, cry later. Take a joke. Get even instead of getting hurt. I learned strength was hardness, coldness. 

I learned that competitiveness was strength. Winning an argument showed strength. Winning a game showed strength. Being angry when you didn’t win showed strength.  I learned that asking for help was a weakness. Charity was always re-payed, in full. People weren’t allowed to do nice things for us without compensation. ​Independence was the ultimate sign of strength. 

I learned that physical strength and a strong stomach was strength. Being tough was hauling hay with the boys, handling a horse on your own, hunting, butchering an animal, wringing a pheasant’s neck, gutting fish, baiting your own hook. Being tough was work without complaint.

I was tough. For years I was tough. I swallowed my tears. I held back my hurt. I was hard, cold, competitive. I was independent. I was offended when a man tried to tell me I didn’t need to do that “dirty farm work.” I’d work even harder to prove him wrong. I helped castrate animals, de-horn, and brand cattle, I pushed myself physically just to prove I could. Just to prove I was tough. I volunteered my time and my talents too often and too much. I refused to delegate because I was capable, I could do it on my own. I voiced my opinion, I became a leader, a doer. 

i was strong.

I was tough. 

And then I wasn’t. 

I fell apart.

My strength cracked and crumbled away, and I finally saw it for what it was, an exterior, a shield. I stopped trying to be strong. For a very long time, I sank into my weakness. And that is where I learned what real strength was. 

My husband and I have three amazing daughters. (And another one on the way!) We are trying to teach them to be tough little girls. We’re teaching them to be independent. We’re teaching them to work hard. They can do the dirty jobs. They know where their food comes from. They aren’t afraid of blood or birth. They understand death. But they are also learning what true strength is. 

They’re learning that true strength is being able to ask for help, admitting your faults, and apologizing for your mistakes. Real strength is setting boundaries, saying no, protecting yourself, your energy, time, and mental health. Real strength is accepting your sensitivity as a gift. Strength is learning from your emotions. Being tough is loving yourself. Being tough is loving others. Being tough is forgiveness and letting go. Strength is listening, seeking to understand. Strength is knowing you deserve respect and demanding it. Being strong is being authentic. I thought I was a tough little girl that grew up into a strong woman until I painfully discovered I was neither. But in all that pain and weakness I re-learned what real strength was. And now I am strong. I am strong from the inside out. And because I am strong, I can raise tough little girls that will become strong women. 

This post originally appeared on My Peace Project.

Amy is a creator and believes everyone else is too. She strives to be artistic in all areas of life but writing is her passion and her family is her masterpiece. She uses her blog to address the joys and struggles of motherhood and is currently writing her first novel.

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5 Tips for Parents of Kids on the Autism Spectrum

By Sam Farmer

Quite a journey this has been so far, don’t you think?! Hopefully the strategies that follow will make the journey more manageable than it has been up to now. They stem from the experiences of a parent who, like his child, is on the autism spectrum but did not learn this about himself until after he became a father.

Not all of these strategies will be relevant to every parenting scenario. The autism spectrum represents a wide variety of personality profiles and challenge—there is no “one size fits all” set of tips.

1. Do everything you can to position your child for strong self-esteem. There is no more noble a pursuit than this when it comes to parenting in general.

A few things to consider:

  • Encourage your child to accept, or better yet, embrace, who he is regardless of the types of challenges and adversity he confronts.
  • Adopt realistic expectations, recognizing that it is counterproductive to discipline your child for behaviors he cannot control.
  • Steer him towards activities which you think he will enjoy and at which you believe he may become proficient.
  • Listen to him and respond positively to what he says whenever a positive response is warranted. When he asks you a question, answer him, regardless of whether you think the question is worthy of an answer.
  • Keep in mind that when you yell or scream at your child, he will most likely beat up on himself.

2. ​Look at small steps forward as if they are monumental achievements. For many on the spectrum, personal development occurs in small steps over longer than expected periods of time. If you treat these small steps forward as being as significant as they truly are to your autistic child’s growth (in other words, by passionately praising them), they will contribute more to her growth than they otherwise would. Such praise is not likely to be effective when given long after the fact. Immediacy is critically important in this case so that your child can easily associate the praise with the act that is being praised. If and when a praiseworthy behavior becomes habitual, it need not be praised as often as it was before it became commonplace. Too much praise is likely to render it less beneficial.

Simple behaviors that are not yet habitual, which your spectrum child performs without being prompted and which show self-awareness or awareness of others are examples of small steps forward which should elicit high praise. For example, saying “please” and “thank you” when it is warranted, offering to help out with a task, saying “bless you” when somebody sneezes, properly performing an act of self-care, etc. Increments of progress towards a long-term goal, whatever that goal may be, are worthy of high praise as opposed to only giving praise once the goal has been fully attained.

3. Beware of “the bachelor state of mind”: The bachelor(ette) state of mind can be thought of as a gravitational force that tries to lure you into thinking only about your own interests, even when doing so is at the expense of your child’s best interests. Not a crime when you were younger and only responsible for yourself, and yet it has a way of hanging around once your life can no longer be all about you.

For example, when you lie down on the couch to relax and then you don’t move when your child asks you to play with him, you succumb to the bachelor state of mind, particularly if opportunities to play with him are relatively few and far between. When you manage to drag yourself off the couch to play with your son in spite of how tired you are, you have triumphed over the bachelor state of mind. Your effort goes a long way toward enhancing your relationship with your child.

4. Try to see the world through your child’s eyes. If you are nonautistic and your child is autistic, it is highly likely that the two of you will not end up on the same page with respect to how the information the immediate environment transmits is processed and therefore how each of you responds to what goes on around you. Consequently, at least some of your child’s behaviors probably do not make any sense to you. Nonetheless, work on putting yourself in her shoes and parenting according to her reality. A difficult task to say the least, but an important one.

Nobody wins when you repeatedly try, to no avail, to get her to behave in ways that are consistent with your own experience and which you consider to be “normal”. Refrain from criticizing what in your view are awkward, aberrant behaviors and resist the temptation to redirect her away from these behaviors. Instead, create a safe, accepting environment for her in which she can behave as she does and receive love and validation rather than be judged or scolded. Allow her to be herself to the extent that she is not harming herself or others in the process. She is beautiful just the way she is!

5. Seek help if you know deep down that you could use it. Doing so is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it shows that you have the courage and the strength to pursue change for the better. Help for folks on the spectrum and their parents is available from caring, intelligent professionals including clinicians, relevant school personnel, local autism resource centers (ARC’s), and numerous organizations.

Here are a few organizations that exist to assist the autism spectrum community in achieving better outcomes: The Asperger/Autism Network is one such organization that hosts support groups and provides a variety of services aimed at helping those on the spectrum live more meaningful, connected lives. Social Thinking®  is a methodology that helps autistic kids develop social competencies. The College Internship Program helps young adults on the spectrum prepare for and succeed in college, gain meaningful employment and acquire independent living skills.

 

This post originally appeared on For Every Mom.

SAM FARMER wears many hats, among them father, husband, musician, computer consultant, autism spectrum community contributor, and author of the new book, A Long Walk Down a Winding Road: Small Steps, Challenges, & Triumphs Through an Autistic Lens, which is now available on Amazon. 

 

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To the Mom That Is Struggling

By Jamie Johnson

Struggling is waking up every morning to your alarm clock, the sound of a crying baby, hours before you expect it.

Struggling is thinking about all the things you need to accomplish that day and feeling your chest tighten a little.

Struggling is trying to keep it together, so they don’t fall apart.

Struggling is making it down the stairs before the kids roll out of bed just to realize you forgot to make that last minute trip to the grocery for milk last night.

Struggling is crying in the bathroom while the shower runs, clutching a cup of coffee, and watching tiny little fingers reach under the door.

Struggling is trying to get the kids buckled into the car with both of them kicking, crying and arching their backs while your neighbor watches from across the street.

Struggling is cussing under your breath because your five year old tells you he forgot to brush his teeth on the way to school.

Struggling is dropping your baby off at school for the first time and watching him walk into that building like the big boy he is becoming.

Struggling is the mental list in your head that you try to write down but always forget something.

Struggling is trying to potty train your toddler who continues to pee all over the carpet.

Struggling is a 12-hour road trip for family vacation with two kids in the back seat that won’t stop poking each other.

Struggling is trying to take your family out for a semi-nice dinner but having your toddler throw a fork at an innocent bystander. So you get the rest of your meal to go.

Struggling is trying to set a good example and be a role model then accidentally dropping an F-bomb in a moment of weakness.

Struggling is trying to pee in any public place with a kid in the stall with you, touching everything then trying to sit in your lap.

Struggling is saying that your kids can’t have screen time but knowing that you won’t be able to fold a piece of laundry without it.

Struggling is having to try and pump while you are at work in the closet that your office has designated as the “Pump Room” and worrying that someone will walk in on you.

Struggling is pushing for hours and hours during labor only to find out your baby has a huge head and you need a C-section.

Struggling is trying to keep yourself together when someone visits you and your two day old baby and all you want to do is cry.

Struggling is having to put yourself on the back burner for longer than you expected so you can tend to a tiny person depending on you for life.

Struggling is me. And you.

I am all of these things. You might not be all of them but I am sure you can relate.

All moms struggle. It is so much harder than they tell you it is going to be.

But it’s okay. You have got this. I promise.

If it wasn’t hard, it might not be nearly as worth it to see your baby smile for the first time or hear their giggle every time they see you.

If it wasn’t worth it, I wouldn’t be writing this.

Gosh, it is such a struggle. But I love my tiny alarm clocks more than life itself.

I know you worry that you are messing it all up. That they might not turn out how you imagined.

But you have to take that risk to gain the reward of having your babies kiss and hug you and telling you they love you.

That is when you feel the struggle melt away. It might only melt away for a minute, but that minute is worth all the struggles in the world.

Until next time,

—Jamie

I am a full time working mom with two little boys, Henry and Simon. I write about real life and real life gets messy. Contributor for Motherly, HuffPost Parents, Scary Mommy, Today Parents, Love What Matters and Her View From Home. 

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Fifth Grader with Muscular Dystrophy Spreads Joy Through Jokes

by Jennifer Swartvagher

When facing hard times it’s always best to channel your inner joy and face your challenges with a smile. Ethan LyBrand, a 10-year-old with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy has a secret to making other people smile, and he’s sharing it with the world via social media. For the past week, Ethan has been delivering a virtual “Joke-a-Day” every day through the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s social media channels.

Filmed by his family at their Decatur, Alabama home, the budding comedian’s favorite jokes provide a daily dose of happiness for those who need it. Ethan’s parents, Jordan and Josh, share that their son is always a source of positivity, so making people smile just comes naturally to him. 

According to the LyBrand family, “Ethan’s Joke a Day for MDA is his way of spreading virtual joy across our communities. It’s also his way of raising awareness and advocacy for people with neuromuscular diseases at this pivotal time. The neuromuscular disease community – people with ALS, muscular dystrophy, SMA, Duchenne and related rare diseases – are among the highest risk populations for COVID-19 and they need our help and support more than ever.”

Ethan was diagnosed with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy two days before his second birthday. Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy is a genetic disorder characterized by progressive weakness and degeneration of the skeletal muscles that control movement.  Ethan is ambulatory but tires easily and periodically needs his powerchair, which he affectionately calls “Bumblebee” after his favorite Transformer.

Ethan LyBrand

Since his diagnosis, Ethan and his family have created a movement to advocate for other kids living with neuromuscular disease. His efforts were recognized by Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA), who named Ethan its 2020-2021 MDA National Ambassador. As MDA’s National Ambassador, Ethan represents the 250,000 people nationwide who are living with neuromuscular disease.

Ethan LyBrand and family

An important way to support research for treatments and ultimately cures for the neuromuscular disease community is by going to MDA.org to make a donation at any level you’re able to. Your support helps ensure MDA’s 150 Care Centers are equipped to provide critical medical care to kids and adults who are particularly vulnerable during the pandemic. It also supports ongoing care for families like the LyBrands, through telemedicine and enriching activities like virtual game nights.

Ethan LyBrand

Check out MDA’s Twitter and Instagram every afternoon for a new daily joke!

 

—Jennifer Swartvagher

All photos courtesy of the Muscular Dystrophy Association

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