Scratch coding? Advanced robotics? TikTok video production? Sure, your kids could learn one of those cutting-edge skills online this summer, but, let’s face it: Summer is already more than half over, and right now what you need most is any vaguely structured activity. We’re here for you! All “Real-Talk” online summer camps meet daily via Zoom from 9 a.m.-12 p.m. to give working-at-home parents a (theoretical) break. Rates are on a sliding scale; pay whatever you feel three hours of occupied-kid time is worth (no, you can’t send us your firstborn—sorry).

For Grades K-2: 

1. How Loud Can You Yell?

Each day, campers will compete to talk the loudest and most often, ideally repeating themselves 5-10 times before their counselor has a chance to respond. They might be playing Roblox or Minecraft or something; it’s hard to tell with all the noise.

2. Click All the Buttons

Mute? Unmute? Camera on/off? Ad for a random app? Click them all, as quickly as you can, in this fast-paced tech-skills camp for young elementary schoolers. Plus, prevent summer slide: Practice your spelling by typing rude words in the chat!

3. Where’s That One LEGO?

Experienced counselors will demonstrate fun, creative LEGO projects…that campers will totally miss out on because they can’t locate the one minuscule piece that the entire build hinges on. Instead, they’ll dump ALL the LEGO bricks they own on the floor to search for it, not find it, and start throwing things.

For Grades 3-5: 

1. Destroy the Kitchen

In this fun virtual cooking camp, kids will use approximately 134 kitchen implements each day as they work to produce a single dish of some kind of syrup or sauce (technically, it might be gravy). Sorry, cleaning up isn’t part of the daily camp schedule.

2. Hide in Plain Sight

Join your scheduled Zoom call, then turn off audio and video for the entire session, avoiding all possible interactions with other campers and counselors. Perfect for Harry Potter fans, because it’s like wearing an invisibility cloak!

3. “Mom, Can You?”

Tweens who never miss an opportunity to roll their eyes or tell you that they “CAN DO IT MYSELF, MOM, JESUS!” will interrupt your department meeting to ask for help with needs like locating art supplies, plugging in the iPad and figuring out which direction to turn the faucet to get hot water.

For Grades 6+

1. Just Sleep

Stay in bed. As long as you want. Honestly, as long as you don’t bother your working-from-home parents before noon, we’ll consider this camp a success.