Photo: @intentionallyariel

We had a miscarriage in February 2019 around 10/11 weeks. It was surprising and devastating, to be honest. I know that the statistics are 1:4 women suffer this loss, but I never thought that I would be in the group of “ones.”

Now here I am 28 weeks pregnant with our second baby boy, due February 8, 2020. The irony of the timing is not lost on me.

I know that a lot of women call their baby after a loss, a “rainbow baby.” Many companies have even sold rainbow baby-themed products. However, the phrase just doesn’t resonate with me, though. I get it, it’s a rainbow after a storm. It’s life after a death. That’s a great outlook! That’s just not my outlook.

I want to celebrate this baby because of his own unique life, not put the memory of a loss attached to him. All babies are miracles. Not just ones that come after a loss. Everything about this pregnancy and baby is special because HE is special. Not because of his pregnancy or birth order. I never want him to grow up thinking that his life isn’t just as wanted and prayed for as our other kids.

My husband and I will never forget the baby that we lost, but I feel like that is our grief to carry, not one to put on our kids who don’t know anything about it. In a way, I feel like that’s forcing negative emotions on them that can’t be processed because they weren’t a part of the situation. I won’t hide our story from our kids, but I also will not call any of my kids our rainbow baby. They are all our miracle babies!