Off the Handlebars: Red Shirts — Who’s Holding Back Their Kindergartners?

Editor’s note: This tongue-in-cheek opinion piece is the third in a series of humor essays in a new parenting column for Red Tricycle called “Off The Handlebars.” Love it? Hate it? Let us know what you think.

Hey little man, that’s a real nice red shirt you’ve got on there. Did your mommy get that for you? Are you going to Kindergarten? You are? Yay! You look so grown up, how old are you? 5? 6? 7? Wait – I can’t count how many fingers you’re holding up…your Adam’s apple is moving too fast for me to follow….is that chest hair I see sneaking out from your red shirt?

Fine then. Let’s have a few beers (you buy!) and talk about why you’ve been “held back.” I’ll take notes.

1. You’re going to “get ahead”– and stay ahead.
2. You got your baby teeth in late.
3. You were born in the summer.
4. Your friends – born in spring, winter, and 1982, are all going to Kindergarten later, so you’re just following their lead.
5. It’s a sports thing. Even though you’ve never really played on a team before.
6. You read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. Because you already know how to read.
7. It’s controversial, and you’re a controversial kind of guy.
8. Being a class TA builds good leadership skills.
9. Preschool is fun. Why hurry out of a good thing? And besides, Kindergarten is the new 1st Grade.
10. Mom wanted it this way.

This is good stuff. Thanks. Now, keep those chest hairs patted down for a minute because the community activist group, Parents of Children Who Wear Green Shirts would like to respond. They are too passive-aggressive to say anything to you in person, and their kids barely know how to hold a pencil, so I’ll just go over these parent notes as diplomatically as possible. Remember – I’m just the messenger here.

1. They hate you. In the same way they hate people with nice cars and low mortgage payments, they think you’re a smarmy little turd who is gaming the system.
2. Their 5 year-old kids were born in the spring, summer, winter and fall. They’re all going off to Kindergarten this year because, well, that’s what you do when you’re 5.
3. Preschool is expensive. Or have you noticed? By the way, how much did that red shirt set you back? Is it designer?
4. Their kids have trouble sitting still, also. As well. So there.
5. Entering school a year late just so you can get your kid into the gifted program or have them be the tallest one on the sports team is lame.
6. Parents who have kids in school most of the day are happier parents. Happier parents = happier kids.
7. Parenting experts say the best way for kids to learn is to give them challenges and let them fail.
8. Why is life so unfair?????????
9. Kindergarten: Just Do It.
10. It all evens out in the end.

Hmmm…. I see you’ve finished your beers and are now filling out college applications, so I guess we’re done. Mind if I ask a few people over here what they think of your red shirt?

[Leaning over to next table] Psssst – what do you think about this thing called “redshirting?” Is this a “boy thing?” Do you think this trend is waning– or gaining– speed? Most importantly, what are you planning on doing with your own kids when it comes Kindergarten time?

— Allison Ellis (Seattle Mom of two, including one Kindergartner, ready or not.)

Editor’s note: This tongue-in-cheek opinion piece is the third in a series of humor essays in a new parenting column for Red Tricycle called “Off The Handlebars.” Love it? Hate it? Let us know what you think.