Over the past several months I’ve tried to play it cool when people ask whether or not we are going to have another baby.

“We’re not trying to, but we’re not trying not to”

“We’re so busy, who knows if we can handle another child”

“Someday for sure, just waiting for the perfect time”

We’re going to wait until after [insert next big event here] to start trying”

The truth is, we have been trying for several months. Hard. And we’ve had no luck. I just didn’t want anyone to know.  In fact, until recently, my husband didn’t even realize just how badly I want to be pregnant. I’ve been trying to pretend that I am okay … But I’m not.

The truth is, every single month, I’m convinced that I am pregnant.  I think I see the symptoms, I think I feel different, I think it must happen soon because it was so easy with our first. And then when I learn that I am not, my heart breaks.  Literally.  When the test comes up negative, I try and shake it off but I can’t.  I walk towards my husband, tears streaming down my face, shaking my head no. I bury myself in his arms while he reassures me that “it’s okay… it will happen, we just have to try harder” Then I buck up, get back to my (very blessed) life as a mom and stepmom of three and wait until we can start trying again. But I can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong with me.  I opened up about this topic in a recent Instagram Post:

“In my latest Q+A I disclosed that getting pregnant for the second time has proven to be harder than it was the first time around. I’m not saying we are dealing with infertility…. in fact I have no idea what’s going on…. all I know is that after months and months it hasn’t happened yet. I’ve had lots of anxiety and shed lots of tears… and for some messed up reason I’ve been a bit embarrassed.

The questions “are you planning on having another” and “when are you having a baby” are thrown around all the time… without really considering the fact that couples may in fact be dying to get pregnant but not having any luck. The truth is, many women struggle. More than you know. MANY more than me. Let’s stop acting like having a baby and getting pregnant is just a simple decision…. for many women it’s not! For many it’s a heartbreaking and stressful topic …. now you may be asking yourself why I would choose to broadcast this all over my social media. It’s because the reason why women feel ashamed and embarrassed by these difficulties is because everyone carries on like getting pregnant is a simple decision when it’s not.  I’m posting this because I know that there are so many in my shoes… and I don’t want them to feel embarrassed or ashamed, because they aren’t alone 💕 #motherhoodthroughinstagram #thisisreallife”

After writing this Instagram post, I was overwhelmed by the number of messages I received. So many women told me their stories, and thanked me for speaking out against this presumption getting pregnant is as simple as making a quick decision, when it’s not.   If you sent me one, and I didn’t respond, know I appreciated you reaching out.  But talking about it is hard. It’s easier to have that heartbreak and private moment with my husband, put a smile on my face and keep on keepin’ on.

But it’s also freaking lonely. And in keeping it to yourself, you feel like you’re alone and that something is wrong with you. That everyone other woman on your Facebook Friend’s List just makes the decision to get pregnant, hires a personal photographer heads to Pinterest to choose her perfect birth announcement…. but somehow you can’t make it happen.  But despite the message that our Facebook Newsfeed gives, it’s not the reality for so many!  Which is why I am writing this.  It’s not because I want to talk about it with all my family and friends (In fact, please don’t call me about this). It’s not because I want to throw myself a pity party (like I said above, I am very blessed in the child department with a beautiful daughter and three beautiful stepchildren… and many are experiencing struggles way beyond what I am) I’m writing this because I know there is at least one woman reading this who is also going through the exact same thing… and I want her to know that she is NOT alone!

Questions like “When are you going to have another baby” or “When are you guys going to get pregnant” are thrown around every single day. They are asked with the best of intentions.  I’m just hoping that before we ask these questions, we consider the fact that for many it’s not just a matter of making a simple decision.

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