Future possibilities for girls are endless as they enter an exciting time of girl power and girl potential. Girls’ voices are on the rise, speaking out about climate change, fighting for equal rights, and running start-up businesses. I have no doubt that girls will become the next creators and inventors, leaders and luminaries, difference makers, and game-changers. Girls have more choice than any previous generations but when I speak to girls about their futures, a few are excited and filled with hope, but most are overwhelmed and filled with fear.
Parents invariably all ask me the same question: “How much do I talk to her about her future?” I suggest: Not so much that you cause her to feel stressed, but enough to get her thinking. Early and often, I add, beginning with open-ended questions and genuine curiosity and interest. Without being too serious or criticizing her ideas, listen to her so we can become dream boosters, not dream busters. The more we talk to our girls about the future, the more comfortable they become.
21st Century girls are going to need to be prepared for the future and this fast-paced, digitally saturated world, that tells her to by a “Supergirl”. I think we help a girl most by focusing on her being over her doing. Girls prove time and time again they can achieve and accomplish. What if she simultaneously, we taught them to be confident and brave as they step into the future. Here’s how you can help her:
Teach Her to Be Clear: So afraid of offending or making a mistake, they tend to muddle their words or over-apologize. Let’s help her find clarity so she means what she says and says what she means. Practice communicating with her: Ask her a question, such as, “What makes you the happiest right now?” Encourage her to ponder the question, put her idea in order, and then respond. So often, girls spontaneously share what comes to mind first and in doing so, the answer is the opposite of clear. When she answers remind her to use a variety of juicy words (no “good” and “fine”), no uncertain language (“kind of” and “sort of”), and no filler words (“um”, “uh”, or “like”). As girls learn to answer questions, with thought and directly, let’s help them speak loudly enough so they can be heard and without any qualifiers or apologies).
Teach Her to Be Confident: I don’t know too many confident girls. The rare confident ones all share the same traits: they stand up straight, they have great eye contact, they are articulate, and they believe in themselves. The question is: How do we help our girls believe in themselves? This requires risk and bravery. Girls are overly concerned with what others think of them and so very afraid of being judged and rejected. We need to teach our girls that first, confidence is not the same as being conceited and we are not telling them to boast but rather we are encouraging them to be proud. Second, we can teach them that risks feel scary and uncomfortable, fraught with the uncertainty of what could happen. On the other side of risks, comes confidence. Girls can learn to take risks such as: saying, “yes” to an invitation, making a friend with someone outside of her social circle, raising her hand in class, trying a new activity, offering her opinion, and saying, “no” when she doesn’t want to participate. I often ask girls, “What is the worst that can happen?” to which they respond, “I get it wrong” or “I learn I don’t want to anymore.” Here, affirm that this is very valuable information and can help her grow. Making a mistake means she can try again or she can try a different way. Learning what she doesn’t like means she can focus on what she may like better. This is growing in confidence.
Teach Her to Be Assertive: Society has taught us that assertive is aggressive and we should always be kind, polite, quiet, and “not too assertive.” The stereotype is alive and well but girls don’t have to comply. Instead, let’s teach our girls to be strong. This begins with knowing who she is. Take time to ask her questions to promote self-reflection: “What are your strengths?” and “What are your worries?” and “What are your dreams?” Confident girls know themselves and can be themselves. Next, guide her to ask. Girls who ask for what they want can get it. I tell girls I ask all the time. I ask for discounts, favors, and help. Most times, I get a, “yes”. When I get a “no”, I ask someone else. Asking creates opportunities. Girls who ask their teachers for a re-test, their friends for forgiveness, a chance to work at her local coffee shop, or strangers to donate to a cause, often get it. Finally, girls must learn to set and keep boundaries. This is so difficult for girls who don’t want to disappoint anyone. We can remind girls of this lesson: “Saying, ‘no’ to someone is saying, ‘yes’ to yourself and you matter. Girls can practice with you (I am sure they already do) so they can be ready to practice outside of the safety of home. Keep it simple with phrases like: “No, I am not available today” or “No, that doesn’t work for me” or “No, I am not comfortable with that idea.” Girls will boundaries are healthy girls.
The future will demand that girls are tech-savvy, multi-media fluent, analytical and emotional, independent, and collaborative. Girls will become the next boundary-pushers, glass-ceiling breakers, and trailblazers. The sky is the limit, especially if we teach them to be clear, confident, and assertive.
For more advice raising strong confident teen girls, check out Growing Strong Girls: Practical Tools to Cultivate Connection in the Preteen Years and Rooted, Resilient, and Ready now available on Amazon and Audible.
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