I am a wife, a mom of 3, an auntie, a sister, a daughter…. but that is not who I am. In fact, I am not sure who I am any more. I have lost my mind and sense of being when I became a mom, and it only got worse after more kids. Being a mom was/is a defining moment in your life. It takes the driver’s seat in any and all situations. Most other moms will not tell you that being a hot mess mom is everyone who enters the business, some just hide it better than others. They don’t tell you everything, they hide details like your children will hide snacks, in your couch, purse, or in the car to save for a later date. This business does not pay well, unless you really do feel rewarded with hugs and kisses, which don’t get me wrong are worth it but money would be better condsidering the amount of coffee you will be buying. So yes, it is a grueling, under paid, under appreciated role in the home. Don’t get me wrong I do love my children, I do, but some times at 7 am I can tell you the liquor in the cabinet sounds like church bells calling my name.
I am a stay at home mom of 3 and over the years I have had some health issues come and go and never had an actual diagnosis, just doctor after doctor and feeling like a hypochondriac almost all of the time. That is until 2 years ago when I finally got an actual diagnosis that helped explain everything that was going on since the age of 16. I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, mind you this is the beginning, as they come in 3’s. So here is a this new thing in my life, something that helps explain the fatigue, the chronic pain, the this and that, and all of these other things, and it sucked the life right out of me. I have over googled, and parents, you know what that means, and learned everything I could about what my future is going to look like. That, right there, what my future is going to look like…… no two stories are the same so I am just guessing here, I have no idea, and that, that right there scares the crap out of me. Most people can plan their future after children, I am in limbo, I can’t make a dead set plan cause my health will most likely get in the way. If you have an autoimmune disease you will be familiar with the term “Spoonie”, for those of you that are not, please google “The Spoon Theory” by Christine Miserandino and you will understand very quickly what a spoonie is. I am a spoonie, and that comes before my kids and my husband even though I wish it didn’t. My autoimmune disease dictates me even if I ignore it. Energy to clean the house, don’t know what that is, being able to breathe after carrying a laundry basket upstairs, not sure it can be done, and so on and so on. It controls me and everything I do. Oh I want to go hiking with the family, I am sure that flare is coming either before or after but could not tell you when. It is more of a guessing game than the ‘why is my child crying’ game. New symptoms pop up and reek havoc on your life only to disappear when you finally have a doctors appointment. My life revolves around doctor appointments and parenting from the couch. Some will say it is laziness, but it’s not, and shame on those who say that. Being in pain every day for 10+ years takes a toll on you, your body and most importantly your brain. They say that you have an autoimmune disease and that you are not your diagnosis, but in truth we are, it does limit the things we can do, unless you want to pay for it the following week.
So hi from the other side, and to those spoonies that we rarely hear from. I am here to let you know, that parenting sucks, all around, every day, and the only thing we get to look forward to are those sweet little hands and feet clinging to you like death grips. We all smile through gritted teeth and know that each and every one of us are bald on the inside. So breathe, relax, and watch your kid make a wish with an eye lash and hope it’s not like my 4 year old son wishing for a nice mommy. It is one hell of a ride, and that ‘just a phase’ expression is for the birds, cause just a phase means the phase from birth until they move out, if you are lucky ;).
All I am trying to say here is we are all together on this one journey and we need to support each other, not bash on things and people you don’t understand. I will be the first to say I am very judgemental, but I know when to bite my tongue, which is almost all of the time unless we are really really really close, in that case all bets are off. Spread love not hate, for there is too much of the world that is covered in darkness. This is just part of my journey from one sarcastic mom to another, don’t let those kids drag you down because they will drown you before you know you are underwater.