The splitting headache at 6 a.m. The bombardment of amplified sounds and lights before you can guzzle down your first cup of coffee. The whiff of a urine soaked diaper propelling you to the nearest bathroom to throw that coffee up, (which you so desperately needed).
The parent hangover is pure torture. Mom and dad need to let loose once in awhile, so it’s a reality that the parent hangover will make an occasional appearance in our lives.
Stage 1: Planning The Great Escape
You plan an evening out, you pull yourself together and actually look human for the first time in months. What to do, what to do: Movie, dinner, cards? No, you are free from kids and you’re painting the town red tonight!
Stage 2: You’ve Still Got It Mama!
Oh yeah! Put your dancing shoes on and throw those drinks down the hatch. Look at you sexy things, dancing these youngsters right under the table. You’ll show them a trick or two, won’t you?
Stage 3: What Goes Up…
No, you won’t. Because now you are drunk. Really drunk. When you only go out twice a year and tie one on this is what happens. Zero to drunk in eight seconds flat. Trademark signs of this stage are: sweaty, matted down hair, eyeliner smeared halfway across your face, booze-stained shirt, irritated friends or husband calling a cab.
Stage 4: Must Forage For Food
You’ve made it to the cab and you could hypothetically go straight home if it weren’t for that driving force in your head telling you to devour an entire pizza, maybe two. Stop cabbie. Feed me!
Stage 5: Nothing Sexy Is Happening Here
Not exactly sure what did happen between morning and pizza. What you do know is what didn’t happen…and that would be sex. Drunk sex only happens in your 20s. Hungover for three straight days happens in your 30s. That’s where you are girl, smack dab in the middle of hell.
Stage 6:Just Waiting To Die
Everything hurts. You can’t see straight, your stomach is River-dancing, your head weighs ten thousand pounds and you can’t find a shoe. Back to bed for you. This is not going to be pretty.
Stage 7: Promises, Promises
Dear Lord in Heaven if you take this pain away I swear I will never touch alcohol again! You are in fact so hungover that you actually believe your own lie right now, even though it is the single most stupid thing you have ever said. Of course you are going to drink again!
Stage 8: Sweet Release
Finally mercy is granted and you are able to sleep this nightmare off a bit. You won’t be right for a day or two, but at least with a good nap you will be able to shuffle downstairs and open the bedroom curtains. You probably won’t be able to brush your hair or get your of your pajamas, but you’re gonna live and that is what is important right now.
Stage 9: Your Day In The Sun Is Over
It’s probably dinner time now, which means you are up mom. Throw some nuggets on a plate or pour a few bowls of cereal and let’s phase back into reality here. Meals must be made, fights must be broken up and your house most likely resembles a scene out of Hoarders now. That’s what you get for hunkering down with the worst hangover in recollection all day long.
Stage 10: Make Amends
Thank your husband for keeping the kids alive, thank your friends for keeping YOU alive, thank the good Lord you didn’t take any pictures or videos of your dumb ass. See you next time hangover!