This hand of “SIB” that has been dealt is not for the faint of heart. Most days it can bring the strongest to their knees. Watching your child who has a heart of gold and whose giggles could burst your heart, hurt themself is the lowest point of numb.
How can I help my baby?
Why is he doing this?
I ask these questions every single day.
I feel completely numb as if I’m not in my own body while my son is thrashing his sweet body around our floor. When he bangs his head off our walls and scratches himself until he bleeds, I do everything I can to protect him but I can only do so much. And I sit there, helpless and numb.
Numb, that’s the emotion, the feeling, and the way we live. I don’t cry anymore, I just don’t feel anything as if I’m not human while he’s doing it.
His superhuman strength tears away from me every time and I can’t stop him. He gets away and it’s all I can do to hold my hands by his head as he drops to the ground and fights with every muscle he has to protect his head.
His body that I created inside of mine, he is fighting and hurting. He’s bruising it, he’s scratching it and he’s trying to rid his body of the misery inside. It literally kills me inside to know how he must feel on the inside if he acts this way on the outside.
With therapies, medications, and love we will grow through this. We have to. It’s all we can do. We wake up every day and start all over just like everyone else.
We will grow through this, I promise that to my son.