I had my first day of this pregnancy where I completely and totally lost it this week. Pretty much everything that happened made me mad or made me want to cry. When I realized how ridiculous I was being, I decided I needed to write about it. That’s logical, right? Ha!
Really it was because I know all you other pregnant women have felt the same way. And sometimes it’s nice to share the irrational crazy that happens while forming a child in your womb. And by irrational crazy, I mean, I know I am acting like a complete and total lunatic but I could care less.
Disclaimer: Before my first pregnancy, I had no idea the mood swings that came with pregnancy. I really thought women were embellishing their stories. Then it happened. I apologize to any woman that I ever said was overreacting. And I now understand if you wanted to punch me.
So here is a list of some of the easiest ways to make a pregnant woman angry, sad, pissed off, extremely emotional and/or full of rage.
1. Get her fast food order wrong. How dare you short me a chicken nugget AND forget my honey mustard! If I wasn’t in a hurry, I would march straight up in that Wendy’s and raise hell. Or cry and really scare the shit out of the poor teenager at the cash register.
2. Tell her how to parent her toddler. Yes, I know my toddler should be wearing a coat. No shit. But after trying to wrestle it onto him this morning I just gave up. I fight my battles and outerwear wasn’t on the list this morning. Lucky for you, I won the pants battle.
3. Tell her that she looks much further along in her pregnancy than she is. Yes, I promise I am only 18 weeks. And yes, I am POSITIVE it’s not twins. I am growing a human in my uterus. Give it a shot and try to look trim and fit while doing it.
4. Ask her why she isn’t wearing her wedding or engagement ring. Maybe because my fingers resemble those Vienna Sausages that come out of a can and they were cutting off the circulation. I can promise, I didn’t want to take them off but I would rather go without jewelry than lose an appendage.
5. Ask her how many times she has been to the taco bar in the last hour. I LOVE TACOS AND SO DOES MY BABY! Stop harassing me. I need sustenance.
6. Not do something that she asks you to do immediately after she asks. I know this is extremely irrational but my bossy reaches a new level of crazy while pregnant. When I ask someone to look at an email when they get a chance, I really mean to look at it now and I was trying to be polite and ask nicely.
7. Drink her favorite alcoholic beverage in front of her and talk about how good it tastes. That is just mean. Yes, I miss drinking beer and wine. It is much harder to handle a two-year-old’s temper tantrum without the crutch of alcohol. Stop judging.
8. Tell her that she is overreacting. She knows she is overreacting. But she doesn’t care. And nothing will change her mind. Just agree with her and move on with your life.
9. Tell her the name she picked for her child reminds you of your ex-stepmom’s vet’s receptionist that went to prison for money laundering. And no, I don’t need to see her mugshot.
10. Touch her belly without asking. Where are your manners people? Hands off! Just because there is a baby in there doesn’t mean you can touch! I’m going to start rubbing people’s stomachs after they eat a large burrito and see how it makes them feel.
So there you go. The top ten ways to make a pregnant woman want to punch you in the face. So please, avoid doing these things at all costs. You can thank me later.
Until next time,