Every year we all do it. We make outrageous resolutions that we will never be able to fulfill for the next twelve months (Soul Cycle twice a week? Feed our kids 100-percent non-GMO, locally raised organic produce? Make weekends screen-free and have the kids put away all their clothes Marie Kondo st‌yle? Sound familiar?). Well this year, I’m kicking those resolutions in the butt and making some that I know I’ll be able to fully accomplish. And this time next year, I’ll be raising my glass and toasting to my success. Want to join me? Here are my top ten resolutions for the real moms in all of us.

1. I plan to misplace my house keys at least once a week.

2. Same goes for my phone. 

3. I will eat healthy all day. And even though I promised myself, “Just one glass of wine,” after dinner, I will not feel bad when I find the empty bottle the next morning along with an alarming amount of Hershey Kiss wrappers beside it on the counter.

4. I will white-knuckle the steering wheel in frustration when my kid tells me they forgot their lunch at home…just when we reach the outside of school.

ADVERTISEMENT

5. I resolve to sniff the milk before serving it to my kids and I promise not to try and pass off the questionably expired stuff.

6. I promise to not make promises about leaving in five minutes. In fact, I promise to never make promises about time ever again.

7. I’m going to stop suggesting mind-numbing, boring games to do with my kids that make me feel better about pulling them off the iPad.

8. Rather than look up their numbers every single time, I plan to put our favorite local pizza and Chinese delivery restaurants on my favorites list in my phone for easy access.

9.  I resolve to buy myself Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthday, Labor Day (why isn’t this one bigger for Moms?), and Christmas presents and address the gifts to “The Mom Who Works Hard and Deserves a Little Something” so that everyone in my family sees that someone appreciates all that I do.

10. And lastly, but surely, 100-percent accomplishable—I plan to run at least ten minutes late to everything and blame it on the kid who can’t talk yet.