Worry could be my middle name.
I suffer from severe anxiety.
I don’t know where normal worry begins or ends because the anxiety takes of over like an uncontrollable monster that steals every ounce of rational thought.
All parents worry and parents with special needs children, or medically complex children even more so.
Our children are so vulnerable and that makes us vulnerable too.
I worry about what will happen to my daughter if I die. If anyone will love her, understand her, and connect with her the way I do.
I know she will be cared for and I know she will be loved but she needs so much more.
I worry about her getting sick or hurt as she is unable to communicate this with us. When she is sick I have to fight the panic that can consume me.
I worry about someone mistreating her or worse—how will I know?
The worry can eat away at you.
I wonder why this happened to her and what she would be like if she wasn’t affected by this.
Would she be as happy, as sweet and lovable? Would she bring light and joy to everyone the way she does now?
I wonder why I was blessed with this beautiful soul to take care of, this sweet and sassy, smart and silly girl, who is full of innocence and love.
I wonder what kind of person I would be without her.
I wonder what she thinks, how she feels, what it’s like to be her—is she truly happy?
I wonder if she knows how much I love her, deep in my soul, a connection like no other.
I wonder if she knows how proud I am for every single accomplishment, no matter how small because I know how much work it is for her and how hard she had to dig for them. That my heart could burst with every new word that I thought I would never hear, every hug or kiss that I didn’t think I would ever receive.
I wonder if she knows I would take all her struggles, confusion, and pain as my own and carry them for her if I could.
I wonder what she will surprise me with next because she never ceases to amaze me. The worry as a special needs mom, a mom in general, and for me as a person will never stop. I have learned however to find happiness and peace in the here and now. To find the humor in every situation and to appreciate the beauty this life has bought me.