There’s nothing better than a good “whodunit” story. The thrill of following a sometimes goofy, yet articulate detective’s steps until she ultimately rationalizes all of the clues and finally points a well-manicured finger at the perpetrator nobody suspected is unbeatable. 

That’s entertainment. Reserved for Hollywood or a high school theater troop’s spin on an Agatha Christie novel.….Unless you’re a mother like me, and you find yourself deciphering your family’s unique Da Vinci Code every single day. 

Here are my top ten household mysteries.

TP Confidential  Ok, who can’t figure out how to replace the toilet paper? Every bathroom we have sports an empty spring loaded toilet paper roll and a new roll of Charmin next to the latrine. What’s happening here? Do I need to follow behind y’all every time you take a trip to the loo? Why do I bear the responsibility of the roll? It is time for me to pass that on. You can do it. I believe in you. 

Primal Foul  The odor that is. Oh my gosh…What is that smell? Did something die in here?  Check shoes, and look closely for animal or human waste.  We need to land on something fast and address it with more than Lysol. 

The Sick Sense  Also known as poop or chocolate? What makes this mystery super special is that it requires our senses of smell and sometimes taste. And, yeah, I’ve been burned before…

And Then There Was None Don’t you just love love love going to fix yourself a tall glass of milk to go with your midnight cookies only to find that the 1/2 gallon jug in the refrigerator is EMPTY?!? Which one of you is behind this apathetic gesture? I’d like to photograph you with the #emptyjug and post it on Facebook where I have vowed to keep it real this year. 

Gross Girl Daughters, you know I LIVE for cleaning your bedrooms, but what I am obsessed with now is finding dinner plates with spoiled food, because then I get to play the “when did I cook that?” game. Good Times. 

Mission: Impossible Why am I the only person that loads the dishwasher? Seriously, it is RIGHT THERE beside the sink where you all insist on stacking filthy plates and bowls full of uneaten soups and cereals. Is it too much to ask for you to RINSE your dinnerware and then load it into the Whirlpool? No, I mean it, tell me if it is too much and then I will answer your question about going for Frozen Yogurt after dinner.

Basket Instinct  You are smart people. I wouldn’t hang out with you otherwise. So, why do you insist on throwing soiled clothing and towels on the floor, when you have a laundry basket for that purpose? I am looking at you, Nathan.  Our laundry basket is in our bathroom, not the corner by your closet.

The Box  What is in that Tupperware container in the back of the refrigerator and how long has it been there? Who is putting these munchkin size leftovers together without my knowledge? Great. We are officially wasteful and now I have to Pinterest how to get chili (or spaghetti or taco) sauce stains out of a clear container. 

Dial M For Maid Because we need one. Because my kids think the floor is a trash can. Why is it so difficult to throw stuff away? ABC gum, taffy wrappers, tags, dirty napkins, orange peels, empty Capri Suns, Frito Lay bags, …they all end up on the floor or the sink, but never the can. I have actually started shopping based on what’s going to be easier for me to pick up off of the floor. My apologies to the makers of Shopkins and Orbeez.  You’re out. 

Gone Baby Gone Who is messing with my head? What in the world happened to the other sock? This is an enigma that haunts me daily as I have 1/4 of a laundry basket full of socks that are missing their mate and longing to reside in their rightful home in the sock drawer. I just cannot bring myself to throw them out. Every new load of laundry brings hope for each lone sock as I position them in a line to be matched should I find their rogue companion. This is the greatest mystery of them all, as it has no end.

I will keep searching. 

I will keep asking the hard questions.

I will fight for my footwear.

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