Tooth Fairy Wisdom: A Guide for the Parents of the Toothless
This is such an exciting time in your life! Your child is about to lose her first tooth! Congratulations! We, at Fairy & Associates, are thrilled to help you through the steps that you need to take as a parent to make sure that the parent-Tooth Fairy relationship goes as smoothly as possible. Please download our handy Tooth Fairy app for your iPhone or iPad that will give you easy access to the following checklist – you’ll notice that the app will be named “Life Insurance Policy 2013” on your screen, to ensure that your children don’t try to use it. Please consider these items as soon as your child begins to get their first tooth wiggles. If you’ve waited until they have lost the actual tooth, you’re already behind and honestly, making our job quite difficult.
With love and sparkles,
The Tooth Fairy
1. What to do with the teeth: Do you want me to take them? Or do you want to keep them? Some kiddos get very concerned about where their teeth are going and often parents, in a panic, default to the whole “the Tooth Fairy is taking them to babies who need teeth” line, but that’s pretty creepy, if you ask us. We prefer telling them that their teeth will be used in our advanced Tooth Research Lab to discover how to make teeth more resistant to cavities and decay from all the candy they eat. If you decide to keep them, tuck them away somewhere special in a little jar…preferably one that is not easily opened by curious little toothless kids, who think that making a necklace out of their baby teeth sounds like a fun craft project that they can totally upload to Pinterest when they’re done.
2. Selecting your currency of choice: Submit your request for tooth currency here. Please select one of the following: Chocolate gold coins, gold dollar coins, dollar bills sprayed with glitter, stacks of shiny new quarters, or rolls of pennies. First time parents, please remember that your little one has a lot of teeth to lose, so if you start out high, you’re going to have to maintain that level of payment for the next 10-ish years. You may always increase your level of payment as you go, but decreasing is never acceptable and we, at Fairy & Associates, will not accept the blame. Please refer to your contract for additional details. We also suggest leaving a new toothbrush or some floss, because after all, Fairy & Associates is a full-service tooth business and we care about the health of all teeth – even the new ones that are coming in. Please pick a currency and stick with it for the life of your child’s tooth-losing years. Inconsistency leads to confusion and fairies hate confusion. It makes our wings wilt.
3. When kids compare notes: Your kids are going to compare notes with the other kids in their class and their friends. Have your story prepared for why some kids get more money than others from us. We suggest something along the lines of the amount of money you get depends on how many other kids lost teeth that day too. So, if there were a ton of teeth lost, they may only get a quarter, whereas their friend got $5 last week for their tooth because not many children had lost teeth that day, so the Tooth Fairy had more to give. Also, we suggest sending the parents of the kid who got $5 for their tooth an anonymous note in the mail telling them that they’re ruining it for the rest of you. We have your back.
4. Approved tooth receptacles: Please provide some sort of Tooth Fairy approved spot to put the lost tooth for our inspection. There are dozens of options available, and the Tooth Fairy herself is quite a sucker for Etsy, so we suggest starting there. Receptacles are not, we repeat, are not required to be pink, include ruffles or images of the Tooth Fairy wearing a fluffy tutu (in fact, she actually wears camo gear when making deliveries, in case you were wondering.)
We thoroughly enjoy this Tooth Fairy Pillow Dish for Boys ($35, The Brick Kiln on Etsy) as both an alternative for boys who have lost teeth and for children who are feeling uneasy about having the Tooth Fairy put her grubby little fairy hands under their pillow while they sleep.
This Organic Tooth Fairy ($17, mimishop on Etsy) is another approved boy-friendly option, with a pocket on the front for snuggling the tooth in and a little hook at the top to hang him wherever your toothless boy would prefer to have the Tooth Fairy arrive.
5. Post-delivery clean-up: Often times when the Tooth Fairy arrives and departs at your home, she leaves a trail of glitter behind. We’ve tried to work with our Glitter Development Department on creating glitter that is sustainable and easy to clean up, but as you can imagine, this is easier said than done. Please check all windowsills, front porches, kitchen tables, bathroom counters and refrigerators for signs of arrival/departure glitter. Some houses may be used as test-subjects for edible sprinkles instead of glitter and we will alert you, prior to arrival, of your optional participation in this study, in case you choose to opt-out. If you would prefer for the Tooth Fairy to arrive via door, please consider the purchase of a Tooth Fairy Door ($30, The Enchanted Door via Etsy), which is fully customizable and allows the Tooth Fairy easy access to your home.
6. When your house gets skipped: Sometimes, there are errors in our system and the Tooth Fairy misses your house, resulting in very disappointed toothless kids. We apologize, in advance for these errors, as in the lifetime of your child; it’s bound to happen…at least once. Unfortunately, Fairy & Associates does not have the same funding as say, Santa Claus, and until our request for assistance gets approved (Hello! Does he really need NINE reindeer? Surely he could spare a couple…), you’ll have to have a back-up plan. In case of a missed house situation, please use your own money to fund the tooth loss and you will promptly be reimbursed for your trouble. We suggest using tactics such as hiding the money under someone else’s pillow in the house, claiming that the Tooth Fairy got confused. Feel free to have your child write a grievance letter to Fairy & Associates and leave it out the following evening at bedtime – we promise to respond promptly and often leave an extra quarter for the trouble.
Disclaimer: Fairy & Associates is not related to the Elf on the Shelf and will therefore, not be held responsible for anything that crazy little guy does, including drinking your liquor (Have you checked it lately? He’s fond of peppermint Schnapps), creating damage to your property from the zip line he had installed, or impregnating your daughter’s dolls. Thank you for your understanding regarding this matter.
Tell us, what are the Tooth Fairy or tooth-losing traditions in your home? How does the Tooth Fairy get herself out of a jam when she misses her delivery?
— Katie Kavulla
Photo via Katie Kavulla, Jenn Durfey via flickr,